VOL. 2 - ISSUE 33
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Judge fired over teen arrest for overdue DVD
BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: The Murderdolls 5 Rangers News 6 Take These Broken Wings… 7 Samsung Mobile 500 Weekend 8 COVER STORY: NBA Playoffs Battle For I-35 9 NBA Playoff Preview 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Haley 12 The Infidelity Boondoggle 13 Food Review: Capriccio Ristorante 14 Blitz Toys 15 The Fan Top 10 with Sybil 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Tiger Didn’t Win... 18
A longtime Colorado judge has been fired after issuing an arrest warrant for a teenager over an overdue library DVD. Municipal Judge James Kimmel issued the warrant after 19year-old Aaron Henson failed to show up in court Jan. 14 over the overdue DVD “House of Flying Daggers.” On Jan. 25, police stopped the teen for speeding and held him for nearly eight hours after discovering the warrant. Henson had moved and hadn’t received the summons to court. The teen said he had packed the DVD in a box, and returned it about a week before Henson issued the warrant. The library notified the judge the DVD was back. The Littleton City Council fired Kimmel, a judge for nearly 30 years, at its meeting last Tuesday night.
Andrew J. Hewett
www.chewednews.com
Would You Like a BlowDry...or 20 Years?
Time magazine reported May 18, 1992, Pennsylvania Judge Charles Guyer had resigned after hidden video cameras recorded him offering an unusual pleabargain to a 21-year-old male defendant. What he’d offered was a lighter sentence...if the young man would let His Honor shampoo his hair. He also offered an even lower sentence should the defendant bring his male friends to have their hair washed.
PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jennifer Wayne CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER Cover Photography: Gregg Case Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS BigBen212, Keith Allison, David Herrera, Joe Lorenzini, Jerome Patrick PHOTOGRAPHERS Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Kent Gilley, Tim Gravens, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Edward Biley Andrion, Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Adam Colborne, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Matthew Grunewald, Dennis Hambright, Andrew J. Hewett, Eric Kendall, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Craig Smith, Joe Stumpo, Sybil Summers, Jennifer Wayne and Jesse Whitman ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029
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Photo Courtesy: Gregg Case
QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I think we got a good shot at it this year, so hopefully, we can give it a good run.” -- Dirk Nowitzki
women hold topless march in maine
About two dozen women drew a crowd of onlookers when they shed their shirts and marched downtown in Maine’s largest city to promote what they call “equal-opportunity public toplessness.” Organizer Ty MacDowell said the point of last Saturday’s march in Portland was that a topless woman out in public shouldn’t attract any more attention than a man who walks around without a shirt. The Portland Press Herald reports that by the end of the march, more than 500 people had amassed - a mix of marchers, young men snapping photos, oglers and people just out enjoying a sunny, warm day. It’s not illegal for a woman to be topless in public in Maine, and police said there were no incidents or arrests.
women arrested for taking corpse onto plane
Police arrested two women at a British airport after they reportedly tried to smuggle a corpse onto a flight. Police said last Tuesday the women were detained at Liverpool’s John Lennon airport “on suspicion of failing to give notification of death” of a 91-yearold man. The BBC and other British media reported that the women placed the man, a relative of theirs, into a wheelchair and covered his face with sunglasses in a bid to get him aboard a flight to Berlin. The women, aged 41 and 66, were detained last Saturday and have been released on bail. They have not been charged and police say inquiries are continuing.
This leader really had his hands full
The president of Uganda, Idi Amin (1925-2003), had more than 250,000 people murdered or executed between the time he seized power in 1971 and the day he was deposed in 1979. Reports say he enjoyed crushing the genitals of victims with his bare hands.
HER LOVER GOT PICKLED, BUT NOT ON BOOZE
Russian czar Peter the Great had his wife’s lover’s head removed, then preserved inside a clear glass jar of alcohol. For the rest of her life, Catherine I was forced to sleep each and every night with this pickled face “watching” her.
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HOLLYWOOD PROFILE
BLITZREVIEWS By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com
Wa s t i n g o u r m o n ey s o yo u d o n ’t h a ve t o !
with Nicolas Cage
by: Vivian Fullerlove “Entertainment’s Real Critic”
“How come nobody’s ever tried to be a superhero?” That is the question asked in the new action adventure movie Kick-Ass. The answer: “Because it hurts!” The film is the big screen adaptation of the comic book by Mark Miller and John S. Romita Jr. The story is about a New York teenage and rabid comic book geek who decides to become a crime fighting vigilante after purchasing a green and yellow wetsuit on the internet. His alter ego moniker: Kick Ass! He soon finds out he’s not the only superhero on the block. The fearless and highly-trained father-daughter crime fighting duo of Big Daddy and Hit Girl have been slowly but surely taking down the empire of the local criminal Mafioso. We talked to Nicolas Cage, who plays Big Daddy, about the movie and his character’s interesting take on parenthood. Tell me about Big Daddy. I play Big Daddy, who is also Damon. Big Daddy is, I guess you could say, the superhero version of Damon. I’m a loving father as Damon, but the character is also quite disturbed. He has a very unique way of parenting his daughter. In a lot of ways, I think there are a lot of parents who think they are doing the best for their children, but they’re actually doing the worst for them. This is sort of an extreme example of that. This is an extreme take on a father who thinks he is protecting his child by teaching her to be a vigilante, but it’s actually the worst thing he can do. How do Big Daddy and Hit Girl come to join forces with KickAss? He’s aware of our presence and doesn’t talk about it or give us up, and I see that he is okay, and he becomes someone that my daughter has a crush on; so, I have to
tolerate that, but he gets us into a world of trouble. How so? Kick-Ass is a funny character. I mean, he’s such an innocent and is completely lost in his imagination of being this superhero, and he gets himself into a lot of hot water. Do you think there are any modern day heroes? All the comics are what empower people. I know people who are paramedics who are in the ambulance with the Superman t-shirt on underneath their uniform. I know these people exist. Kick-Ass opens nationwide this week. The film is rated R for violence, sexuality, nudity and language. For all of this week’s new releases and more of your favorite celebs, check out my television show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas programming tab!
Clash of the Titans: The first sign that the Clash of the Titans remake is not your daddy’s 1981 fantasy adventure comes within the first half hour when Perseus (Sam Worthington), a demi-god and mortal son of Zeus, is about to embark on a perilous journey along with a handful of Greek soldiers to save the city of Argos. As Perseus grabs an assortment of weapons, he comes across a living mechanical droid owl and is told by one of the soldiers to toss it back in the box. I have not yet seen the 1981 original. Thanks to the trailers I saw back then, however, not only do I recall seeing a few notable actors like Laurence Olivier donning white toga garb, I also remembered there being a flying, mechanical droid owl. Seeing Worthington’s Perseus toss that poor owl back in the box, I got the impression this was director Louis Leterrier’s way of saying to fans of the original to forget everything they remember about the ‘81 version. This is a Clash of the Titans for a new generation. Titans is an often fun, mindless twohour getaway fantasy adventure. If it lacks anything it is that I failed to find myself rooting for Worthington’s hero Perseus much less loathing Hades (Ralph Fiennes). There is a lot I liked about the film, in particular, Neeson’s and Fiennes’ performances as the gods, both of whom sport long beards. Neeson’s Zeus dons metallic armor resembling a knight while
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Fiennes talks in such a gruff, parched voice as Hades that half the time I could not tell if it was really him speaking--my guess is there is no water in Hell. I find the two ways a fantasy movie like this can work is: 1) if the actors look as though they are enjoying themselves regardless how outlandish the storyline is; and 2) if they can get through uttering ridiculous dialogue and make what they are saying sound convincing. Worthington, Neeson and Fiennes all succeed. In particular, Neeson, who is no stranger to uttering silly dialogue in previous movies he’s done that I am sure when he reads the scripts, he asks himself how could he say this on screen. I recall the scene back in Star Wars – Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) where his Jedi Knight character explains to young Anakin Skywalker about how people in that “galaxy far, far away” are born with “Midichlorians.” Fans might have died laughing watching that but I was convinced there was such a thing thanks to Neeson’s way of delivering the lines. Now compare that scene with the one in the Clash of the Titans trailer where we see Neeson’s Zeus utter the line, “Release the Kraken!” Like the “Midichlorians,” up until I saw Clash of the Titans, I had no idea what a “Kraken” was except to assume that when Zeus gives the order, whatever a “Kraken” is can’t be good news for anyone.
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by: Jennifer Wayne
Marilyn Manson – Lest We Forget
4. White Wedding
Murderdolls – Beyond the Valley of the Murderdolls
5. Cars
Fear Factory – Obsolete
6. Shapes of Things
Black Stone Cherry – Roadrunner Undercover
7. Summer Breeze
Type O Negative – Bloody Kisses
8. You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)
Dope – Felons and Revolutionaries
9. Word Up!
Korn - Single
10. Smoke on the Water
The Murderdolls are back. Their first album in eight years, Women and Children Last, is set for release this summer through Roadrunner Records. Murderdolls are the brainchild of Joey Jordison and Wednesday 13. The band sees Joey step away from his day job and masked role behind the kit in Slipknot to playing lead guitar, while Wednesday serves as the frontman. Joey and Wednesday are excited to bring back their revamped musical monster. “We don’t look at this as a return...this is REVENGE! The music scene today is as boring and stale as it was in 2002, when we first formed the band. This time around, everyone is the enemy!” Joey says, “We’ve waited eight years to make sure, but this is the perfect time to bring Murderdolls back to the world. We’ve got nothing to lose and nothing to prove.” Murderdolls first arrived on the scene in 2002, hammering one final nail into nu-metal’s coffin and building a formidable fanbase of loyal ‘ghoulscouts’ with their single “Dead in Hollywood” and their take on Billy Idol’s “White Wedding.” The band caused a stir across the pond in the UK, headlining the 5500-capacity Brixton Academy, as their debut album, Beyond the Valley of the Murderdolls, earned a silver certification in the country. The band also picked up the “Best Newcomer” award at the inaugural Metal Hammer Golden Gods Awards.
British indie band Goldfrapp has a new album out. They are one of those bands that is “big in Japan.” You probably wouldn’t know about them unless you hang out at Good Records and are 19-years-old. They are worth checking out, though. Head First is a good mood-lifter with its “speedy rush of synth optimism, euphoria, fantasy and romance” and “life-affirming lyrics.” Also in their collection of electronic balladry, as they call it, is the Mercury-nominated debut “Felt Mountain” and “Supernature,” which came out in 2005 and went on to sell over a million copies worldwide. Their “Black Cherry” album is good for doing cardio or for impressing chicks you give a ride home to from the club.
If you find yourself walking around chanting “Baby Baby Baby,” you have French electro duo Make The Girl Dance to thank for that. The song is featured in the latest Victoria’s Secret commercial and the latest Guitar Hero commercial and their sexy, funky music video has had over 2.2 Million YouTube views. Make The Girl Dance’s (Greg Kozo & Pierre Mathieu) video has inspired countless homemade parodies, too. The all-in-one-take video features the time-honored combination of humor and nudity. It could also be considered the most enthralling karaoke prompter ever.
Metalium – Millenium Metal Chapter 1
Thur 4/15
3. Tainted Love
Dallas Center for Architecture 1909 Woodall Rodgers Frwy - Dallas Sketches of Frank Gehry Sydney Pollack explores the signature style of his friend, architect Frank Gehry—whose famous works include the Fish in Barcelona, the Walt Disney Concert Hall in Los Angeles and various residences. 7:30 pm. RSVP to info@DallasCFA.com. Admission is a $10 donation. Refreshments will be provided. Dallas Arboretum 8525 Garland Rd. - Dallas “Cool Thursday” concert featuring Hard Night’s Day voted “Best Cover Band in Dallas”; this Beatles tribute band draws from a catalog of over 200 classics.
Fri 4/16
Nokia Theater 1001 Performance Place - Grand Prairie Gallagher is smashing watermelons starting at 8 p.m.
Sat 4/17
Children of Bodom – Skeletons in the Closet
Ridglea Theater 6025 Camp Bowie Blvd - Fort Worth The Sight and Sound of Pink Floyd: a light and laser show using the album “Wish You Were Here” in celebration of its’ 35th Anniversary.
Sun 4/18
Wed 4/14
August Burns Red – Punk Goes Pop 2
2. Lookin’ Out My Back Door
One Arts Plaza 1722 Routh St. - Dallas One Arts Plaza is throwing its first annual block party featuring live cooking demonstrations from each of the One Arts Plaza restaurants and musical performances throughout the day. 11-6 pm. Free and open to the public.
Mon 4/19
Absinthe Lounge 1409 South Lamar St. - Dallas Mellow Monday: R&B and Old School, hosted by Tony Bee from 94.5 KSOUL. DJ C Love spinning. Happy Hour from 4 p.m. until 9 p.m. with $2 draws, $3 wells, $4 calls and $5 martinis.
Tue 4/20
MUSIC: Rockin’ Cover Songs Mix 1. Oops! I Did It Again
“The Foxie Rocker”
Sprinkles Cupcakes 4020 Villanova Drive – Dallas This is where you will find the classiest of munchies on 4/20! Among their Tuesday flavors: Chocolate Marshmallow, Lemon Coconut, Peanut Butter Chip and Strawberry.
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And The Winner Is...Dallas RANGERS:News When moviegoers think of the independent film industry, they often think of the major film festivals: Cannes, Sundance and Tribecca. The Dallas locals have their own film festival. The Dallas International Film Festival, formerly AFI Dallas, runs April 8-18. The festival has evolved over the years, with each year a better turnout, better films and now different branding. If you were to walk up to the festival one might see, in no particular order, the red carpet, the galas, the screenings, the fans, producers, directors, actors, volunteers and panels. Everyone benefits from a great festival. The festival does its job of promoting the festival locally and nationally, with hopes of a great turnout from the filmmakers and the fans. Future filmmakers sit in on panels to essentially learn from the up and coming to the well established veterans. Actors mingle with the filmmakers on other executive teams to land their next roles. The volunteers consist of enthusiastic fans to those just looking to soak up the atmosphere while freely giving of their time and talent. The directors and producers look for anything from distribution to media buzz. The fans, as always, want a great show. One such fan, Patrick Kerstens, a US Navy sailor stationed at nearby NAS Ft. Worth, couldn’t wait to attend. “I just have to ask the boss [referring to his wife, Anne Frank] what she wants to watch and I’ll be there.” The fans came out with great fervor to the eandrion@blitzweekly.com
festival. Many of the elements of the festival go completely unnoticed to the average fan. Actors and directors have invested considerable amounts of time and money into bringing their dreams to the screen. Local actor and Baylor alum, Andrew Worley, co-stars in Split, a short film directed by James Lentzsch and combined with other short films in the North Texas Short Film category. “For a very short film it’s a very character driven script and I’m excited to see what James could do with this if it was a feature. James was great to work with. He’s all about the actors.” James Edward, a Dallas photographer attending the festival, had been disappointed in recent Hollywood releases. “I watch big budget major movies all the time. They’re becoming formulaic. What do the execs think, if they add 3D it’s a hit with the fans? I’m tired of that and am interested in what fresh minded indie filmmakers can do. I’m a photographer who shoots headshots for actors. It’s nice to be able to see the work these guys and gals are part of.” With only a few more days of the festival, Dallas has already won. Those of you still looking for something to do this week should definitely catch what may be the independent film festivals’ little secret. Edward is a staff member of local talent agency, Core Talent, where he works as the business development director and facilitates the talent development program of the agency.
Not Too Shabby
The Texas Rangers ended opening week with a convincing 9-2 win over Seattle. They finished the week with a 3-3 record, which is not as good as everyone had hoped for, but it’s .500 ball. The surprise of the week was Joaquin Arias, who is filling in for the injured Ian Kinsler at second base. He has exceeded expectations by becoming a singles machine and batting a whopping .500 during the first week. The Rangers are hoping Kinsler will be ready April 20th when they start the series in Boston. Vladimir Guerrero showed exactly why the Rangers signed him to be their designated hitter. He has played in all six games and is batting .500. Nelson Cruz looks like he is well on his way to his second consecutive All-Star appearance. After the first week, he is leading the American League in RBI’s, tied for first in AL in home runs and is the fourth highest in batting average. C.J. Wilson looked great in his first start since 2005. He pitched a strong seven
“Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com
scoreless innings with nine strikeouts. The problem came when usually reliable closer Frank Francisco took the mound in the ninth to preserve the 1-0 lead. He got rocked for three runs and four hits as the Rangers lost 3-1 to the Blue Jays. Last Saturday night, Francisco came into the game in the ninth inning with a 3-1 lead over Seattle. Surely he wouldn’t screw it up again. Wrong answer. He allowed three runs on three hits as the Rangers lost 4-3. Ron Washington has decided to give Neftali Feliz a shot as the closer and move Francisco to middle reliever for the time being. On Monday, in his first ever career save opportunity, Feliz threw 6 of 18 pitches at 100 mph or better and recorded his first save. The defense has been solid and had two throw outs at the plate this week from Josh Hamilton and David Murphy. They will have their hands full this weekend, as they will be in New York to face the Yankees. Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison
by: Edward Biley Andrion
by: Craig Smith
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Joe West is Also A Man Baby
Everytime I go to a Rangers game, I expect to be there at least three hours. Last week, I only sat through four innings and that was two hours right there. So when I heard that umpire Joe West said the Yankees and the Red Sox play too slow, I was a little confused. He made these comments to the Bergen Record last Wednesday after the Red Sox and Yankees played a 10inning affair that went 3 hours and 21 minutes: “They’re two of the best teams in baseball. Why are they playing the slowest? It’s pathetic and embarrassing. They take too long to play.’’
West has been an MLB ump for 32 years (4,000+ games). I think that this dude is just sick of his job (like most people). I mean, I’m sure he has seen this length of play before. Lord knows, I have and I haven’t even been to 4,000 games. Last season, the Red Sox and Yankees played each other 18 times. Eleven of the games went longer than 3:21. The longest was 5 hours and 33 minutes and went 15 innings. One nineinning game went 4 hours and 21 minutes, which was the longest nine-inning game played in the majors in 2009. So maybe
the ump has just had enough, but his little comments have caused an uproar. Red Sox manager Terry Francona called the remarks “troubling,” but second baseman Dustin Pedroia was a little more upset. “To call the Yankees and Red Sox, two of the best teams in baseball, ‘pathetic’ and ‘embarrassing,’ that’s just ridiculous.” Pedroia continued, “If he doesn’t want to do Red Sox and Yankee games, he should tell the umpires’ union. Then when we’re in the World Series, he’ll be out of that assignment, too.” Pedroia said it was wrong for an
by: Jennifer Wayne “Foxie and Fired Up”
umpire to criticize teams when he’s supposed to be impartial. Well, technically he wasn’t being partial to one team or the other. He actually appears to equally dislike both teams, yet thinks they are the best. And if he thinks three hours and 21 minutes is long for a baseball game, I would guess he doesn’t like baseball either. He was simply saying they need to hurry their asses up. And the last time I checked, free speech is permitted. And I don’t think the Red Sox will be in the World Series, Pedroia.
MLB: Texas vs New York Fri, April 16 – 6:05 PM – Yankee Stadium – TXA-21 Despite being early in the season, it’s perfect timing to see the Rangers take on the Yankees. Can lefty Matt Harrison out duel Yankee Ace CC Sabathia? It sure would be nice to see Nelson Cruz continue his hot streak!
MLB: Texas vs Boston Tue, April 20 – 6:10 PM – Fenway Park – FS SW So after the Rangers take a run at the Yankees, what else could you look forward to? How about a run at the Red Sox? Sounds pretty good to us. It’s one helluva road trip. The Green Monster, Pedroia and a chance to beat the Red Sox.
“Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com
The Philadelphia Eagles did the unthinkable. They traded their star quarterback for the last eleven years to a hated rival within their own NFC East division. Who does this? The move has probably ruffled a few feathers in Eagle-land although this is a city that booed him on draft day when they selected him. He was always under-appreciated. This move is like trading Dirk to the Spurs! Would Mark Cuban do that? Hell, no! He didn’t become a billionaire by making stupid decisions. A year ago, they let Brian Dawkins, the heart of their defense for thirteen years, go sign with the Denver Broncos. They probably could have used him when Dallas was scoring at will on them last season. Last month, they released versatile running back Brian Westbrook, who, along with McNabb, has carried this
lackluster offense for years. Either the economy has hit Philly pretty hard or someone is making some poor decisions in the front office! The Eagles have made the playoffs 8 of the last 10 seasons, but that run looks to be over. They are handing the ball over to Kevin Kolb, an unproven youngster who has only thrown 130 passes in his career and has more interceptions than touchdowns. I bet McNabb can’t wait to start the season. I felt a little bit of animosity at his press conference. He seemed happy…and defiant. “They’re rebuilding,” McNabb said with a hint of sarcasm. “They’re going
young. I never knew 33 years was old, but I guess I’m too old.” He may not admit it, but I know this has to hurt a little. He will have a little fire in his belly come next season. He doesn’t have the best receiving corp in the league, but he rarely had much to throw to in Philly and always made something happen. He wanted to end his career in Philly. He could have walked away from the game, but I feel he still has more to add to his legacy. New Washington head coach Mike Shanahan first coached John Elway when he was 34 and then went on to win two Super Bowls together. That’s something he never could achieve as an Eagle. Only time will tell, but one thing is for sure: he no longer has to worry about the annual talks of him being traded.
NBA: San Antonio vs Dallas Wed, April 14 – 7:00 PM – AAC – KDFI The Mavs have been playing hot this last week and have been showing up when they need to. It’s the last game of the season and could be a preview for the playoffs. The “Battle for I-35” continues!
NBA: Phoenix vs Utah Weds, April 14 – 9:30 PM – Energy Solutions Arena – ESPN The Jazz are trying to clinch a number two playoff seed. It will be tough going up against the Suns and trying to make this happen. The Jazz are also right on the heels of the Nuggets in the Western Conference. This game could be another playoff preview. We shall see...
Photos Courtesy: Gregg Case & Jerome Patrick
by: Craig Smith
8 by: Tony Barone “The Senior Sports Authority”
by: Jennifer Wayne “Foxie with an Indoor Football Team”
Texas Governor Rick Perry, Fort Worth Mayor Mike Moncrief, native Texan NASCAR drivers Bobby Labonte and Colin Braun, Speedway Motorsports, Inc. Chairman Bruton Smith and Texas Motor Speedway President Eddie Gossage are all scheduled to be on hand Thursday, April 15, in downtown Fort Worth to celebrate the kickoff of the 2010 race season at TMS. The public is invited to this special event scheduled to begin at 3 p.m. Governor Perry and Mayor Moncrief will issue proclamations to TMS to celebrate the start of the track’s race season with the Samsung Mobile 500 NASCAR doubleheader, as well as acknowledge its place as a major economic engine in the community. Corpus Christi’s Bobby Labonte, the 2000 NASCAR Sprint Cup Series champion, and Ovalo’s Colin Braun, a rising star in the Nationwide Series, will kick off the event by getting behind the wheel of two “Molly The Trolleys” and driving the dignitaries down Main Street to the stage located between Third and Fourth Streets. The trolleys will be NASCAR-themed, including an oversized racing spoiler on the rear and life-size decals of Sprint Cup Series stars, driver window netting and tire rubs. Race fans will be able to ride on these trolleys during race week. TMS is partnering with 95.9 The Ranch and 92.1 Country Legends, which will be promoting the proclamation and giving away tickets to the various races. On the day of the proclamation, both stations will have tents near the stage and the first 150 people attending the event will receive two free tickets to Friday’s qualifying day for the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series and Nationwide Series as well as the Rattlesnake 150 ARCA race. Samsung Mobile 500 Weekend Schedule Here are some events for the Samsung Mobile 500 weekend (April 15-18) at Texas Motor Speedway. For tickets, visit www.texasmotorspeedway.com or call 817-215-8500. Weekend on-track schedule (courtesy of Texas Motor Speedway) Note: For a more complete schedule, including campground access, go to www.texasmotorspeedway.com
Photo Courtesy: Joe Lorenzini
April 16 9:30 a.m. Gate 4 opens 9:30 a.m. – 10:50 a.m. NASCAR Nationwide Series final practice 11:30 a.m. Gates 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, North Tunnel, luxury suites and Victory Lane Club open Noon – 1:30 p.m. NASCAR Sprint Cup practice 1:45 p.m. NASCAR Nationwide Series qualifying (all positions) 3:40 p.m. NASCAR Sprint Cup Series qualifying (TV: TBD) 6:30 p.m. ARCA Rattlesnake 150 (100 laps, 150 miles)
April 17 10 a.m. Gates 1-8, 11, North Tunnel, luxury suites and Victory Lane Club open 11:30 a.m. – 12:15 p.m. NASCAR Sprint Cup practice 12:50 p.m. – 1:50 p.m. NASCAR Sprint Cup final practice 2:30 p.m. NASCAR Nationwide Series O’Reilly Auto Parts 300 (200 Laps, 300 Miles / TV: TBD, Radio: KRLD/105.3 FM) Post Race Live NASCAR Memorabilia Auction benefiting Speedway Children’s Charities (location: Village of Champions) 6 p.m. Legends Races at Lil’ Texas 1/5 Mile 7 p.m. – 10 p.m. Team Texas Race Car Rides April 18 9 a.m. Legends Races at Lil’ Texas 1/5 Mile 10 a.m. All gates open, luxury suites and Victory Lane Club open Noon Pre-race show begins 12:30 p.m. Concert by Peter Frampton 2 p.m. NASCAR Sprint Cup Samsung Mobile 500 (334 Laps, 501 Miles/TV: KDFW/Ch. 4, Radio: KRLD/105.3 FM) *Schedule subject to change
April 15 12:30 p.m. Gate 4 opens 12:30 p.m. – 2:30 p.m. ARCA final practice 4:30 p.m. ARCA qualifying 6 p.m. – 7 p.m. NASCAR Nationwide practice 7:15 p.m. Gates 3, 4 and 5 open for Fandango 7:30 p.m. Fandango (season-ticket holder event)
Arena Football is the brainchild of James J. Foster, Jr. A light bulb went off while he was watching the Major League Indoor Soccer All-Star game on Feb. 11th, 1981, at Madison Square Garden Arena. He and another colleague of his from the NFL’s front office came up with the game and wrote the rules down on the outside of a folder (which now sits in the Arena Football Hall of Fame…yes, there really is one). It took five years for Foster to create a more detailed set of rules, playing field specifications and a business plan to launch a small league to “test” the concept nationally. After securing a network television contract with ESPN and an initial group of national corporate sponsors including, United Airlines, Holiday Inn and Hardees Restaurants, Foster, the league’s founding commissioner, established a league office in Chicago. On June 19, 1987, the Pittsburgh Gladiators hosted the Washington Commandos in the first league game after only a two-week training camp for the four-team league! The other two teams were the Chicago Bruisers and the Denver Dynamite, the Arena Bowl I Champions. The AFL eventually grew into an established league with nearly 20 teams under the leadership of league Commissioner C. David Baker (1996–2008). The establishment of the AFL as a major market league spawned another league in 2000 that Foster also co-found, a minor league called Arena Football 2 (af2). It was set up for medium-sized markets under the guidance of af2 President, Jerry Kurz. It, too, is continuing to grow each season. The entire AFL has changed ownership and is now technically called AF1. The Desperados are now the Vigilantes. They didn’t carry on the Desperados name with this new league because former Desperados owner Jerry Jones (yes, that Jerry Jones) maintains the merchandising rights to that name. Jones had based a lot of the Desperados branding on the Cowboys, including the colors and a Cowboys “Double Star” on the front of the Desperados’ jerseys, making the Cowboys and Desperados brandings very hard to separate. The franchise is now owned by Revolution Sports and Entertainment, which is led by former Tampa Bay Storm owner Peter C. Kern and original Buffalo Destroyers head coach Dave Whinham. To avoid any legal action over logos or anything of that nature, the Vigilantes (after initially opting to use the Desperados name in December) chose a new name and a new logo. They will be the only team in the New AFL to not have their name based off of a previous professional football team (thirteen other teams based theirs on either an AFL or af2 predecessor, while the Jacksonville Sharks took their name from a World Football League team).
they’ve met in the post-season. Yet, the rivalry might be put on the backburner if the Spurs can’t put Tim Duncan back together. The next team the Mavericks might be kindling a rivalry with is only 207 miles north on the same stretch of road that goes through San Antonio and Dallas. The Oklahoma City Thunder are having a breakout season with former Texas Longhorn Kevin Durant scoring at will. The young and talented roster has been maturing and “putting it all together.” The Mavericks have had their way with the Thunder/Sonics in recent history, but everyone could see the talent and potential the Thunder had on the roster. It was only a matter of time before the young team started to get enough games under its belt to gain the necessary NBA experience to truly become a threat to the perennial powers. While Durant has yet to put on a performance against
Photo Courtesy: Gregg Case
9 The battle of I-35 goes back to the first days of professional basketball in Texas when the Dallas Chaparrals of the American Basketball Association were moved to San Antonio in 1973 (eventually becoming the hated San Antonio Spurs). In 1980, Dallas finally got its chance at another basketball franchise when the league approved the expansion team at the NBA All-Star game. In the Mavericks’ debut game, taking place in the brand-new Reunion Arena, the Mavericks stunned the Spurs, 103–92. In the last decade, since Mark Cuban took the reigns, a red hot rivalry has flamed with our former franchise. In the last 10 seasons, the Spurs and Mavs have each won at least 50 games and always engaged in a tight division race and some epic playoff battles. The Spurs have managed to achieve four titles in that era, but have been sent home by the Mavs the last two times
by: Geoff Case - “NBA Analyist”
the Mavs that is typical of his usual nights around the NBA, his team has split the season series with Dallas. In fact, the Thunder secured their first playoff berth with a win in Dallas on April 4th. It was a moment that mirrored the Mavericks rise during the 2000 season when that young team lead by Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki and Michael Finley completely changed the direction of the franchise. In that light, the Thunder become the “little brother” to Mavs fans and some may even root for them a little bit. The Spurs are always going to be public enemy #1 in the DFW area, but if the Thunder dispatches the Mavericks in the playoffs, you can expect the sweet sentiment for the team to evaporate. The Thunder have got a long way to go to match the success of the Mavericks run of 10-straight 50-win seasons but the pieces are in place to head in that di-
rection. The Mavs roster is chalked full of salty veterans oozing with experience but have logged some heavy mileage. Put that against a young determined squad of up and comers and you’ve got a great playoffs series, experience versus energy. However, it almost makes me pause and think of the Utah Jazz in 2000 that the young Maverick team upset in the first round. Surely the Mavericks are in better position player-wise than that Jazz team, but the implications would be the same. Out with the old... in with the new. The Mavericks will always be competitive with Mark Cuban’s determination and financial commitment and the Thunder might be set-up for a dynasty with players coming into their prime around the same time. The Mavs/ Thunder could be the next big rivalry in the Western Conference and the source of great moments and intriguing story lines.
TOP TEN Foreign NBA Players International players have a huge impact on the NBA. In the 2009 NBA Finals alone, Spain, Turkey, France, Slovenia, Belgium, China, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines and Poland were represented. Here are our picks for the Top 10 imported NBA players of all time:
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by: Craig Smith
Photos Courtesy: Gregg Case, BigBen212, David Herrera and Keith Allison
h & Geoff Case
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13 by: Dennis Hambright www.dennishambright.com
by: Matthew Grunewald Told by: Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective”
Men shouldn’t cheat. If you’re going to be in a committed relationship, then be committed. You shouldn’t be out ‘dinkering’ around and sewing your wild oats and seeing if the grass is greener on the other side of the hill. But, you shouldn’t rob banks or fudge on your taxes or steal pencils out of the office supply room, or try to peek down your secretary’s blouse, either. Wrong is wrong. That’s the real bottom line. Men cheating has become the ‘sin du jour’ these days. Pick up any popular magazine or grocery store tabloid, or turn on an entertainment news show, and the headlines are often about who cheated on who, and who they cheated with, and how many times they did it, and how they did it, and so on and so on. Truthfully, I don’t get it. I mean really, who cares if someone went on a ‘weenie-waggle adventure’? If it’s not your partner doing the ‘carnal wandering,’ then why is it any of your business? And for those meddling old crones who point judgmental fingers and fan the flames of someone else’s misery while expounding the ‘morality clause,’ isn’t there something in the list of ‘moral standards’ about being a gossip or judging other people, that falls on the ‘whoops’ side of life’s ledger? A glass house is probably a dangerous place to live. Yeah, men shouldn’t cheat. But I also know that what men should do, and what they actually do, aren’t always the same thing. So, if you’re going to stray into ‘other pastures, here’s a few things you should have learned from some of the ‘headline cheaters’ who’ve already slung gas on the ‘Infidelity Boondoggle’ fire: The Clinton Principle: When Good Ole’ Bill got caught ‘diddling’ the help, if he’d just manned-up and said, “Yeah, I did it,” who would have really cared? Sure, Hillary would
Hero Joins ExtenZe Racing as Honorary Crew Chief at TMS
by: Adam Colborne www.exclaimracing.com
have him sleeping on the Presidential couch and brow-beat him for the rest of his life, but there wouldn’t have been all the investigations and hearings that ultimately proved he did it anyway, and then branded him not only as a cheater, but as a really bad liar. Once you’re caught in the headlights, you’re better off planting your feet, gritting your teeth, and getting hit by just one speeding vehicle, than you are dancing around in traffic, trying to dodge the inevitable, getting painfully clipped and thumped by a whole convoy, and then ultimately getting run over anyway. The Techno-Monkey: Before, as long as you didn’t get lots of late night hang-up calls, leave strange panties in your coat pocket or come home with lipstick on your collar, chances of getting caught were pretty slim. Nowadays, with e-mail and text messages and video cameras and GPS trackers, it’s like having a drunk techno-monkey marauding the countryside with a loaded shotgun, just waiting to blast your ‘marital-nads’ off. If you’re too dumb and too cheap to buy a throw-away cell phone, and have a Jack Bauer-encrypted e-mail account to communicate with your on-the-side-paramour, then don’t act so surprised when you get caught. 3) The Selective-Negative Memory Factor: It doesn’t matter that Tiger Woods blasted through racial barriers and became one of the greatest golfers of all times. Or that Jesse James created man’s man institutions like West Coast Choppers and Monster Garage, or if they gave money to charity or inspired young people around the country. The really sad thing is, years from now, when some women see their pictures, the only thing they’ll remember is, that they cheated on their wives.
When a small plane was intentionally crashed into the IRS’s Austin building, Robin De Haven was on the scene and rushed to aid people. For his bravery, 28-year-old De Haven has been named an ‘ExtenZe Local Hero’ and will be the ExtenZe Racing Honorary Crew Chief at the upcoming Texas Motor Speedway NASCAR Sprint Cup weekend. On Feb. 18, De Haven, a windowglass repairman, was on his way to a job site when he saw a plane flying uncomfortably low. The plane soon disappeared and black smoke began to fill the sky. Unsure of what happened, De Haven drove over to investigate. De Haven was met with smoke, flames and chaos. He pulled into a parking lot, spoke with a 911 operator, and learned from bystanders that people were trapped on the building’s second floor. He grabbed a 20-ft. long ladder from his truck and hastily placed the long ladder against the building and managed his way up unsteady rails. Upon reaching the second story, De Haven pushed by a shattered window and entered the building. There he found six people trapped
with no exit due to a smoke-filled hallway. After calming them, he realized the precarious ladder he came up wouldn’t do the trick getting everyone to safety. The stranded group then broke through another window and De Haven climbed out on a skinny ledge. He hollered to people on the ground and had them move his ladder to a fastened position. De Haven then helped all six people shimmy to the ground and was the last person down the ladder to safety. “Policemen, firemen and everyday people rushed to the aid of those in trouble that morning in Texas,” said Kevin Conway, driver of the ExtenZe Racing No. 37 Ford Fusion. “Robin was asked to join the ExtenZe team not only because of his bravery and outright guts, but also as a representative for everyone that stepped up that day to lend a hand.” Fans can visit ExtenZeRacing.com to nominate their own local heroes or review who has been previously chosen.
Stop. I must slow down. It’s time to become responsible, but how? My life is a blur, partly from the speed at which I live it and partly because I have drank half way through it. Back in Atlanta and back to the story of how I ended up in Japan teaching English, I am putting on my tie for another stupid Monster.com found corporate American lackey job. One I will surely hate but good enough that my parents and friends will respect. It will be the beginning of my journey back too--ok for the first time—to responsibility. The interview goes great; they love me. I rock at interviews. I can bullsh*t with the best of them. Whatever they want to hear; I am one step ahead. Except for that really fu*ked up question. How many pennies can you fit in a room if you were to stack them from floor to ceiling? I still have not figured out the right answer to that. I guess that’s why I am applying for lackey positions, not Investment Banking type sh*t, where the real money is. But let’s face it, I could never work that hard anyway. My ashtray is filling up. Ok it’s not an ashtray. It’s a small glass with the British Flag on it and it’s not full. It simply needs more water so the butts don’t catch on fire. I have to get up. No wait, I have an idea. I pour a small amount of Vodka in the glass. Problem solved. My laziness has no boundaries not even that of wasting perfectly good vodka. Let’s get back to the corporate lackey job thing. It’s been a week since my interview. They called me to let me know that they want me for the position. We are waiting on a background check. It should be no problem. I once had a run in with the law over a coke bottle being thrown through a window when I was 16. I was arrested for a house party when I was 20, but all that was in the past and the charges have either been dropped or sealed. I should be fine. I am falling asleep in my drug addicted, rehab-attending niece’s bed when I remember that a few months earlier I was arrested outside a bar for arguing with a cop. Sh*t. Could this be a problem? Now, I can’t sleep. Here is the situation. The Ritz is the most popular bar in Jax Beach, Florida. There are many bars in Jax, but a majority of the people (especially hot chicks) end up in the Ritz every night. The Ritz knows this and because of this they treat the customers like complete pricks. In other words, we are all merely cows waiting in line to be slaughtered or in our case get slaughtered (the Ritz sells pints of liquor for $2.25). Anyway, they hire cops to walk around and be d!cks when the bar is closing. I am a little drunk. Ok…I am f*cked up. So I can’t drive and that means I am really f*cked up. I have no cell phone so I ask the pig to call me a cab. He says he can’t do it. I tell him it is his job to protect and serve. It says so right there on his car. He arrests me for trespassing. I am too lazy to argue with the judge in the morning. So here I am, awake at night worried about some stupid trespassing from a few months ago. Two days pass. I don’t get the job. Apparently trespassers are not employable in corporate America. F*ck them. I hate this country and their inability to employ misdemeanor criminals! Now the Japs are shooting fire works. These people are crazy. I should fit right in. F*ck the Russians for puking on the street! I would like to go Moscow one day though, that would be cool. I bet they would let me drink vodka with them, which reminds me it’s time for another drink. I keep thinking about Piano man, something about “sharing a drink we call loneliness,” but f*ck me, I have no one to drink with.
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by: Richard S. Pollak “The Traveling Gourmet”
Capriccio Ristorante 5301 Alpha Road Dallas - 75240 972-991-3939 www.capriccioristorante.com
I didn’t know what to expect from Capriccio Restaurante in North Dallas except that Chef Tony Gardizi’s invitation to sample his new menu would be an experience. His long-side-burned Elvis resemblance was the first clue that we weren’t in for a night of heavy pastas with thick hearty tomato sauces, but an exciting and unique evening of Italian dining. Owner Najam Jaffri relocated his original Capriccio from its Flower Mound outpost to the new prime location on Alpha Road at Noel across from the North Dallas Galleria. The décor and atmosphere exceeds the original with even more vibrant colors and a true feel of visiting an old world Italian villa. With an exceptional bar, several private dining areas and, most enjoyable, a large main dining room where the noise makes you feel like you are part of a much larger Italian family feast. We had the opportunity to sample the first bites of Chef Gardizi’s new menu that, according to our expert server, Adam, “is the chefs’ new, fresh, lighter menu with portions to reflect what diners are looking for.” We started the evening with a fresh baby Spinach Salad accompanied by crumbled Gorgonzola cheese and an ever-so-light tomato coulis dressing on the side. Chef Gardizi also served a jumbo Sea Scallop, perfectly grilled, on a bed of sweet sautéed red cabbage and drizzled with fine-aged balsamic vinaigrette. Hot and cold Antipasti on the menu feature Crab Cakes, Prawns, Calamari and Prosciutto with Melon. There are still the classics: Minestrone Soupe, Caesar Salad or Pears with aged Gorgonzola drizzled with raspberry vinegarette. For our main courses, we were presented with a perfectly grilled tender Filet Mignon, freshly hand cut and served with a rosemary brandy sauce and a triangular cut of stacked scalloped potatoes. We applauded the recommended wine, a robust and fruity Laterre Cabernet. I had to forfeit all of my sampling of the freshly made in-house Spinach Ravioli that was gently covered in a rich tomato cream sauce with a basil leaf to my wife in exchange for having both terrines of Fresh Escargot in the white wine garlic sauce served over roasted mushrooms. They were already taken out of their shells and I was sopping them up with the fresh warm Italian bread served with Pesto Butter. The Pasta menu, which are naturally all homemade, is filled with standard Lasagna, Fetuccine, Angel Hair and a Lobster-filled Ravioli, which I am coming back to try. On April 22nd, Capriccio’s will host an extraordinary Vodka Dinner, featuring 360 Eco-friendly pairings. The $45 four-course Italian meal will start with Pan Seared Ahi Tuna with basil Gnocchi salsa and a 360 Wasabi-tini. The Insalata of grilled Pears and tear drop Tomato Salad with Mozzarella over bulls blood micro greens will be matched with a double chocolate stuffed Jalapeño Popper. The second course, a Beef Tenderloin marinated in 360 Cola is served with Rosemary Potatoes and a wild mushroom ragout, featuring a Mother Earth Ginger Cola. For desert, Chef Gardizi is preparing an adult Chocolate Shake with 360 Double Chocolate Vodka. For those who prefer ordering off of the main menu, the selections of second courses feature a fresh Fisherman’s Seafood Stew, Salmon, a Porterhouse Pork Chop and a large Rib Eye Steak. This new, fresh, light menu truly responds to what today’s customers want in an upscale Italian ristorante and the Vodka dinner will be a not-to-miss unique Italian treat.
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Not the First…Not the Last If you go to any entertainment news outlet on the internet reporting about Best Actress Oscar winner Sandra Bullock’s marital troubles, there’s a good chance you will see dozens of comments posted by users. Some of which, span over 20 pages! A lot of the comments offer support for Bullock. As for her motorcycle-riding, cheating husband Jesse James, who had an 11-month affair with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, a San Diego tattoo and fetish model, fans offered everything negative short of suggesting he be castrated. I can’t say James doesn’t deserve the backlash... “There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me,” James said in a statement to the press. “It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.” I have gotten to the point where I no longer care (or am shocked) when the tabloids report that another Hollywood marriage is in trouble, whether it’s the result of infidelity or severe “irreconcilable differences.” Putting marriage and Hollywood together is like combining gasoline with alcohol--it adds up to a deadly, if not combustible, combination. Marriage in Hollywood has always been taboo. Aside from the blockbuster movies and television shows one churns out, I am convinced you’re a no-
body in Hollywood unless you’ve been married and divorced at least once. People have gotten so transfixed by the Hollywood elite, that they can probably name over a dozen actors, actresses and directors who’ve filed for the overpopular “d” word. Yet, if you asked them what celebrities have managed to stay together “till death do us part,” I’d be surprised if they can name even one. I can name maybe ten, but a few of those people are dead, so I am not sure they count. Hence the reason I wasn’t the least bit surprised after hearing actress Kate Winslet and director Sam Mendes were separating after seven years of marriage. The entertainment media didn’t seem too phased by it either days after the March 7th Oscars. They started asking if a curse comes with winning the best actress Oscar, citing examples of other winners, such as Halle Berry, Helen Hunt, Julia Roberts and Hillary Swank, all of whom divorced their significant other years later. So why all of a sudden do fans care? Is it because women who’ve been cheated on by their husbands can identify with the pain of betrayal Bullock is feeling now? Do some men identify with James in that they have a hard time staying faithful and often think
by: Joe Stumpo www.darthstumpo.com
too much with the thing between their legs versus their actual brain? P e r haps it has to do with the little amount of bad press, if any, Bullock has received from the tabloids over the years. The worst press she has ever received is about some of her movies. Even then, the best actress winner of The Blind Side has showed us she knows how to be a good sport. Bullock graciously accepted her Worst Actress and Worst Screen Couple wins at this year’s Razzies for her performance in 2009’s All About Steve. “She’s never done a sex tape, there’s nothing scandalous, and she plays these sweet roles in movies -- there’s nothing negative to say about her,” said Cooper Lawrence, a relationship expert and author of “The Cult of Celebrity.” The fact is what goes on behind closed doors is no one’s business. I believed that after hearing about former senator John Edwards’ affair. I believe that now in the case of Tiger Woods. The same goes for Bullock.
By: Sybil Summers
sybilsummers.com
10. Khloe KardashianShe fixed her body. Can she fix her face? 9. Chelsea HandlerOh, Chelsea. Goodfigure-bad-stylehilariously-funny, Chelsea. 8. Kirsten Dunst- She should’ve borrowed Spidey’s facemask. 7. Bethenny FrankelDespite being pregnato, she has a sweet bod and I’m sure she’ll bounce back two weeks after delivery. 6. Heidi Klum- The accent is cute. The body is bangin’. The face? Eh. Not so much. 5. Sarah Jessica Parker- Type “Sarah Jessica Parker” into Google, and the second auto-fill option is SJP...”looks like a horse.” ‘Nuff said. 4. Lady Gaga- Aside from the penis, Gaga has a rockin’ body. 3. Rachel UchitelBut she’s still hotter than the IHOP waitress. 2. Tila Tequila- I’m sure she looks great in the dark. 1. Fergie- I vote that we rename it “Fergieface” instead of “Butterface”.
JOKES
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FUNNIES Q: What is a brunette between two blondes? A: An interpreter.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer miles. Q: What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator? A: “This place rocks!” Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? A: Homeless. How Much? A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy his wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, “That’s not quite what I had in mind.” Frantically, he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, “That’s not quite what I had in mind.” Curious, he asks: “What did you have in mind?” She retorts, “I’d like a divorce.” He answers, “I hadn’t planned on spending quite that much.”
ACROSS: 1. Cobras 5. Protuberance 9. Accumulate 14. Airhead 15. Largest continent 16. Pertaining to ships at sea 17. Wings 18. Female chickens 19. Munchkin 20. The male head of family 22. Not married 23. Tendency 24. US bird symbol 26. Be in debt 29. Pantry 33. Dreamer 38. American songbird 39. Mats of grass 40. Approaches 42. Resorts 43. Make less taut 45. Cellar 47. Shorttail weasel 48. Cheat 49. Play a guitar 52. Acclaim
57. Formerly, a writing tablet 60. Marinate 63. Heathen 64. Helen’s city 65. Any minute 66. Happening 67. Otherwise 68. Disallow 69. Fritter away 70. Marsh plant 71. Biblical garden DOWN: 1. Customize 2. Derived from the sun 3. Dish 4. Back of the boat 5. Laugh 6. Utilizer 7. Chop finely 8. Ottoman title 9. Sharp-cornered 10. Foible 11. Acknowledge 12. Identical 13. Sleigh 21. Graven image
25. Lustrous 27. Victor 28. East southeast 30. Fool 31. Distinctive flair 32. Repose 33. Part of an archipelago 34. A swinging barrier to a room 35. Ancient Biblical kingdom 36. Helper 37. Bar bill 41. Tattered cloth 44. Accord 46. Sword 50. Speak 51. Blackbird 53. Desire 54. Delineated 55. An obsolete name for nitrogen 56. Part of a joint 57. Gush 58. Magma 59. Matures 61. It smells 62. Turned blue, maybe
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So Tiger Didn’t Win the Masters
Can we get back to not caring about Golf? The game itself is amazing. I love playing golf; it’s one of the most plaid sports in the country among people who can legally drink. It’s pretty great. But it’s pretty damn boring. Especially to watch. Tiger is the most dominant competitor in the past few decades, but he does it in a sport where the casual fan could only name a handful of the players. Yeah, he slept with a bunch of porn stars. Yeah, he screwed up (pun intended). But that doesn’t matter. It’s like the Favre retirement crap. It really doesn’t matter, so lets stop talking about it. Every two seconds, someone on ESPN or Sports Radio chimes in with some sort of idiotic take on Tiger’s “situation.” It doesn’t matter. Golf is still boring. But focusing on who a golfer has sex with makes the game even more boring. It might be better if the announcers were able to use golf phrases for sexual euphemisms (words like balls, rough, shaft and in-the-hole could spice up any broadcast for topical sincerity). But in the end golf will be golf... A great game to play but one that doesn’t need to be mentioned every freaking second.
by: Pat Moran “Man on his Throne” - pmoran@gmail.com
Crossword Solution