Lord Jesus Christ Hit By Car
The victim might have forgiven the woman who ran him down in a Massachusetts crosswalk, but police haven’t. Police say a Pittsfield woman has been cited for running down a man named Lord Jesus Christ as he crossed a street in Northampton last Tuesday. The 50-year-old man is from Belchertown. Officers checked his ID and discovered that, indeed, his legal name is Lord Jesus Christ. He was taken to the hospital for treatment of minor facial injuries. Police say 20year-old Brittany Cantarella was cited for failing to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk.
BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: NOLA Jazz Fest 5 Rangers/AirHogs/Vigilantes News 6 A Woman’s HSO 7 Meet AirHog Greg Porter 8 COVER STORY: Guide to Fishing Cool Fishin’ Stuff! 9 Our Favorite Lakes 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Lauren 12 Real Man Rules 13 Food Review: Bailey’s Prime Plus 14 Blitz Toys 15 The Fan Top 10 with Sybil 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Technology Failed Us! 18
Runaway Emu Captured in South Carolina After Chase
PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jennifer Wayne CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER: Cover Photography: Kent Gilley Special Thanks: Lance’s Guide Services CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Steve Bowles, Gloria Brumagen, Manny Flores, Joanne Tenery PHOTOGRAPHERS Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Kent Gilley, Tim Gravens, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Edward Biley Andrion, Tony Barone, Cassie Cullins, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, David Goodspeed, Dennis Hambright, Andrew J. Hewett, Eric Kendall, Peggy Kilpatrick, Frank LaCosta, Jayson Larson, Pat Moran, Craig Smith, Joe Stumpo, Sybil Summers, Jennifer Wayne, Ed Westerman and Jesse Whitman ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029
www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2010 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www.blitzweekly.com.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK “If you give a person a fish, they’ll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they’ll fish for a lifetime.” -- Dan Quayle
South Korean Driver Earns License On 960th Try
A South Korean woman who earned a driver’s license after 960 tries is ready to buy a car and get behind the wheel. Yonhap news agency reported last Thursday that 69-year-old Cha Sa-soon passed the driving part of the test last month on her 10th try. South Korea requires a written test first, and Cha took it nearly daily since April 2005 before passing last year. Yonhap quoted her as saying she wanted to buy a small secondhand car to visit her son and daughter and for her business selling vegetables. Repeated calls seeking comment from her went unanswered. Officials at the drivers’ license agency in Jeonju, 130 miles south of Seoul, were not available for comment.
Why did the emu cross the street? To get away from the South Carolina police officers, animal control officers and people chasing it in Rock Hill. The Herald of Rock Hill reported the 6-foot bird ran 10 blocks through the city last Tuesday, chased by as many as 50 people. Seventy-year-old Bobby Mangrum managed to capture the bird with a fishing net and managed to tie the animal’s sharp feet. Mangrum owns two emus along with llamas and goats and took the big bird home with him while police try to figure out where the bird came from. Police Lt. Joe Johnson said he wasn’t sure how he would phrase his report, saying the animal didn’t appear to break any laws, except perhaps running from police.
blitzweekly.com
VOL. 2 - ISSUE 37
May 12 - 18, 2010 3
Andrew J. Hewett
www.chewednews.com
YOU KNOW YOU REALLY S-U-C-K WHEN.....
In a 1990 election, Oklahoma attorney Josh Evans lost his bid for office to incumbent Judge Frank Ogden III, by 91% of the vote. More unusual, Judge Ogden had died 3 months before the election.... and voters knew this very well.
PERHAPS THEY DIDN’T MEAN IT?
Author Gavin Whitsett was mugged and badly beaten in Evansville, Indiana, while bicycling alone in 1994. He is best known for writing the bestseller Guerrilla Kindness (1993), which encouraged all Americans to indulge in random acts of spontaneous kindness.
A PRIORITY LIST TURNED TOPSY-TURVY UPSIDEDOWN?
News services reported May 3, 2010, from Juneau, Alaska, a diving crew was removing more than 10,000 gallons of oil from the wrecked 369-foot Princess Kathleen. The ship had periodically leaked oil since running aground on Point Lena...in 1952.
WHEN YOU’RE HOT YOU’RE HOT, WHEN YOU’RE DEAD YOU’RE NOT
Richard Versalle, a tenor performing at New York’s Metropolitan Opera House in 1995, suffered a heart attack and fell 20 feet (6.1 meters) from a ladder onto the stage after singing the line, “You can only live so long” from the opening scene of The Makropulos Case, a Czech opera about the elixir that gives eternal life.
blitzweekly.com
4 May 12 - 18, 2010
HOLLYWOOD PROFILE
BLITZREVIEWS By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com
with Russell Crowe
by: Vivian Fullerlove “Entertainment’s Real Critic”
Russell Crowe has taken over Sherwood Forest, and this is not your mama’s fairy tale! Crowe ignites the big screen as Robin Hood in the Ridley Scott adaptation of the legendary folk tale this week, and BIG doesn’t even begin to describe the action and adventure in this movie. We talked with Crowe about becoming Robin Hood and working with Scott for the fifth time. You have literally acted out the to dedicate to becoming skilled history of the world onscreen. with your bow and arrow? How amazing is it to get to play Well, if you are gonna fire a bow and arrow these heroic, iconic figures in his- you should go and do a little bit of work tory? on firing a bow and arrow because the cirTime travel is extremely exciting and to ac- cumstances are never going to be perfect. tually get to do it [is amazing]. You know You’re gonna be firing while you’re running when you play games as a kid with the ice or while it’s raining. You have to fire at a cream bucket on your head and the broom- certain mark at a certain place; so, you need stick in your hand you feel like you really to be so familiar with that thing. Whether are a soldier in the army? This is the same it’s a violin in Master and Commander or thing only you’ve got the exact right cos- a short sword in Gladiator, you’ve got to tume because someone who has dedicated make the thing that’s part of your character their lives to the craftsmanship of that par- part of you. ticular era has created exactly what would have been used in that day and time, and Why should folks go and see this you don’t have to pretend with the broom- movie? stick anymore. It will take you to a different time period. I think that there is philosophical and spiriAnd who better to lead you into tual element to the movie that will touch these fascinating places in time people deeply. There is also real romance than Ridley Scott. in this film and true love, and one of the key I liken him to working with a great painter. things in this movie is that every single perI’ve made five movies with him, and as son in this cast had a lot of fun and I think far as I’m concerned, my job is to hold the that is probably going to be reflected in how paint. If he wants more blue, I do my best to the film comes across. try and give him more blue. Robin Hood was a master archer; so, the handling of a bow and arrow are central to the character. How much time did you have
Robin Hood opens nationwide this week. The film is rated PG-13 for violence and some sexual content. For all of this week’s new releases and more of your favorite celebs, check out my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas programming tab!
A Nightmare on Elm Street
There is only one reason why this most unnecessary remake of Wes Craven’s 1984 horror classic grossed over $32 million opening weekend making it number one at the box office. The answer has to do with Jackie Earle Haley, the former Watchmen star, who now dons the green and red striped sweater, hat and four-bladed metallic hand. I know in the minds of horror geeks, were it not for the desire to see Haley as Freddy Krueger in a role first made famous by Robert Englund back in over a handful of follow-ups the past two decades, there would be no reason to see this film. Like so many remakes of classics Hollywood seems intent in destroying all because they have run out of original ideas, this latest redo begs the question, “Why even bother?” I already know the answer. Like last year’s successful box office reboot of Friday the 13th, whose sequel is now officially dead, or the redo of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), the whole purpose of studios bringing these dormant horror franchises back to life is not just to lure a whole new generation of fans of Jason, Leatherface and Freddy Krueger, but to show how much better today’s filmmakers stupidly think these versions are when they have a larger budget to play
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with. When will horror want-to-be moviemakers learn the reason films like Craven’s original Nightmare was so effective in a creepy way, as was Friday the 13th (1980), Tobe Hooper’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), John Carpenter’s Halloween (1978), and George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (1968) was because they were made on very low budgets? This latest Elm Street reincarnation is a nightmare--the kind where you are so bored, you are actually fighting to stay awake. There are no “jump out of your seat” surprises as Freddy terrorizes his victims. Every shot of that infamous metallic clawed hand, whether it’s inside a bathtub while a teenager is dozing off or having a doctor in the emergency room give a sedative, has been shown in the trailer. For horror buffs younger than twenty with little or no knowledge that there was an original Nightmare On Elm Street decades before, they will probably be more than happy to accept Haley as their Freddy Krueger. For us old folks who tire of Hollywood revamping the old stuff, there is only ONE Freddy Krueger and he was the nightmarish ghoul Robert Englund played.
May 12 - 18, 2010 5 blitzweekly.com
photos & by: Ed Westerman www.edwesterman.com
I prefer to let the artists images speak of the experience, but three quick points: I. Put it on your “Bucket List.” Well worth the experience. II. Jazz Fest really is for all ages and sensibilities, and can be as gritty and loud, or as laid-back and easy as you want it to be. III. The fest days run from 11am to 7pm, and like I heard one stage announcer say, “The best thing about when Jazz Fest is over? You’re still in New Orleans…” I agree.
Galactic
3. Pump It Up
Elvis Costello
4. No One’s Gonna Love You
Band of Horses
5. Cut The Cake
Average White Band
6. King Tut (Bluegrass Style)
Steve Martin
7. Just Breathe
Pearl Jam
8. Something Beautiful
Trombone Shorty (w/Lenny Kravitz)
9. Way Down in the Hole
Neville Brothers
10. Skokiaan
Kermit Ruffins
Thur 5/13
Sing for the Cure 10th Anniversary Concert Meyerson Symphony Center, Dallas A choral work featuring 200 voices. The night is dedicated to remembering those with breast cancer and raising money for a cure. Tickets are $25-$100. Jazz in the Atrium: Drew Phelps Group Dallas Museum of Art Live jazz plus cocktails and dinner equals a good way to start unwinding for the weekend. Activities in the Center for Creative Connections. 5 p.m. until 9 p.m. Call 214-922-1200 for more info.
Fri 5/14
2. Crazyhorse Mongoose
Wed 5/12
Celebrate the Macallan Fashion Industry Gallery, Dallas Macallan, a.ka. the world’s most precious whiskey, is doing a private tasting of their single malt. You’ll learn about what gives whiskies their colors, aromas and flavors. Impressive! You must RSVP to attend this event. www.celebratethemacallan.com
Sat 5/15
Anders Osborne
A Night With DJ Klaas The Lizard Lounge, Dallas The remixer famous for “This Time” and “Ride Like the Wind” is headlining with DJs Raydar & Shaolin opening. Doors open at 9 p.m. and the party lasts until 4 a.m. Get tickets in advance at www.thelizardlounge.com.
Sun 5/16
Every year, near the end of April, two weekends of music, food and drinkin’ ramp up the normally festive New Orleans party scene – Jazz Fest at the infield of the New Orleans Fair Grounds Race Course, the thirdoldest racetrack in America. The first Jazz Fest was in 1970. Forty years, and one Katrina later, it is still rockin’ and funkin’ with 12 stages of music—jazz, gospel, Cajun, zydeco, blues, R&B, rock, funk, African, folk, and much more. Jazz Fest has showcased most of the great artists of Louisiana of the last half century -- Professor Longhair, The Neville Brothers, Wynton Marsalis, Dr. John, Harry Connick Jr., The Radiators, Buckwheat Zydeco, but always blended in a mix of currently popular musicians-- Miles Davis, B.B. King, Dave Matthews Band, The Allman Brothers Band, Joni Mitchell, Al Green, Lenny Kravitz, James Brown, Stevie Ray Vaughan, LL Cool J, Erykah Badu. And closing out this year at the main ACURA stage was Pearl Jam and Van Morrison.
Death of a Salesman AT&T Performing Arts Center, Dallas This is the last day to catch Arthur Miller’s Pulitzer Prize-winning drama about ol’ Willy Loman. For tickets, call 214-871-3300.
Mon 5/17
FEST
MUSIC: Jazz Fest 2010 1. On The Road to Charlie Parker
Nickel and Nickel Wine Dinner Whiskey and Rye, Fort Worth Chef Christian Marenteshas made pairings for this 5 Course Dinner featuring: Nickel & Nickel “Searby” Chardonnay 2008 En Route Pinot Noir 2008 Nickel & Nickel “Harris Vineyard” Merlot 2007 Nickel & Nickel “Branding Iron” Cabernet.
Tue 5/18
JAZZ
The Expendables House of Blues - Dallas Since 1997 The Expendables have been turning out California surf rock, blending reggae, punk rock, and 80s style dueling guitar solos. They definitely sound like summer. The show starts at 6 p.m. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com!
RANGERS:News
by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com
Rangers Winning Ways! The Texas Rangers ended play for the second consecutive Sunday with a sweep. This one was a Royal sweep of Kansas City in four games in Arlington that keeps the Rangers in first place with a one game lead over Oakland. C.J. Wilson is still on fire. Last Friday night he pitched a complete game against last year’s Cy Young Award winner and got the 4-1 win. He now leads the AL in ERA at 1.51. Rich Harden finally had a good game in a 4-2 win over Oakland. He pitched seven innings with 9 strikeouts, no runs, and only two hits. Vladimir Guerrero has been on a rampage and hit 3 home runs in a span of 4 pitches last week. He has now hit safely in 57 of 67 career games in Arlington. The Wonder Boy is now back with the Rangers after Matt Harrison was put on the disabled list. I was pretty excited when I saw Derek Holland walk out before the game
Sunday. The kid is full of spunk and has been absolutely tearing it up this year in Oklahoma City with a .93 ERA and had 37 strikeouts with only 7 walks in 6 starts. The Rangers got more good news with the possibility of Nelson Cruz returning this week. He is going to play at least 2 games in Oklahoma City on a medical rehabilitation assignment and then should be activated Thursday or Friday. Jarrod Saltalamacchia is still in Oklahoma City. He is batting .367 but is still having difficulties making throws to second base and back to the mound. He won’t be back with the Rangers until he gets his throwing back. The Rangers have a big series with Oakland at home this week and head to Toronto for the weekend followed by a pair of games against the hated Angels.
VIGILANTES:News
by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com
Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs
Turnovers Costly for Vigilantes Friday night the Dallas Vigilantes and head coach Rich Ingold were home for the second week in a row against the winless Orlando Predators. A win would move the Vigilantes season record to .500. This game was not for the weak of heart with all the scoring. It took Dallas less than two minutes to get on the board as former Desperado running back Josh White ran it in for a touchdown. After holding the Predators to a field goal, Dallas QB Collin Drafts fumbled a botched snap on the Vigilantes own two yard line turning the ball over. It proved costly as Orlando ran it in two plays later and led after the first quarter 107. Early in the second quarter White ran in another score for his second of the game putting Dallas up 14-10. Orlando struck back quickly with a long touchdown pass to regain the lead 1714. Dallas WR Larry Brackins caught a pass
for 18 yards and forced his way to the end zone as Dallas regained the lead 21-17. Solid defense from the Vigilantes resulted in a blocked kick for a safety. The two teams each scored a touchdown before half. Orlando had two penalties on the extra point and then on the third attempt they had a terrible snap that resulted in a safety for Dallas. The Vigilantes went into halftime leading 32-23. The third quarter was all offense and no defense. Dallas got another score from Brackins and two from WR Derek Lee to lead after three 53-44. The fourth quarter was full of turnovers by Drafts who threw three interceptions and had two fumbles. Brackins did get his third touchdown of the night to put Dallas within reach with 55 seconds left down 64-59 but the final turnover by Drafts sealed their fate. Orlando won 70-59. Dallas now 1-3 will play at Jacksonville this Friday.
AIRHOGS:News
by: Cassie Cullins AirHogs Media
Grand Prairie AirHogs Opening Weekend Opening weekend at QuikTrip Park has arrived against the Pensacola Pelicans. Friday night’s festivities surrounding OPENING NIGHT start at 5:30 p.m. and will include a live musical performance by R&B artist Cherisse, a six-year-old Michael Jackson impersonator and numerous on-site gags and in-game stunts. The ceremonial first pitch will be thrown by NFL Hall-of-Famer Charlie Taylor, who has decided to bring a crew of his closest friends to the game, including: former NFL players—Rayfield Wright, Tim Brown, Joe “Turkey” Jones, Anthony Jeter, Phil Lewis, Keith Washington, Chuck Beatty, Robert Newhouse, Jethro Pugh, Jr., Byron Williams; former ABA/NBA players Mike Gale, Mike Mitchell, Oliver Miller, and Larry Brown; and former Harlem Globetrotter, Ovie Dotson; as well as actor Stack Pierce. All are slated to do a brief autograph session during the game. The starting pitcher for opening night
is LHP James Paxton, a projected Top-10 MLB draft pick so expect to see 30+ scouts with radar guns behind home plate… Saturday night’s game is sponsored by FedEx Freight & KSCS… It’s the first FIREWORKS Saturday Night of the year! Come early for live music and stay late for post-game fireworks! It’s 5 o’clock somewhere …AND… It’s only a week before Jimmy Buffett comes to town so we’re getting warmed-up! – Parrothead Alert: Wear a Hawaiian shirt !.. We’ll be jammin’ to Jimmy Buffett tunes all night long! Live Music: Starts at 6 PM To close out the series it’s an AirHogs Family Sunday which means pregame catch on the field, post-game kids-runthe-bases, and player autographs! PLUS: $1 HOT DOGS and $1 SODAS! AND…Mark your calendars because it’s ACE BACON’s BIRTHDAY! Your favorite HOG will be turning 2 and he’s inviting all of his mascot friends to the party! Chick Fil-A Lil’ Hogs Club Members Get In FREE with I.D.
Photo Courtesy: Joanne Tenery
Photo Courtesy: Matt Pearce
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6 May 12 - 18, 2010
May 12 - 18, 2010 7
Photo Courtesy: Army Athletic Communications
I
“Foxie and Fired Up”
“There’s two ways that I can comment on that, and I’ll give you both of them,” Braden said. “One, I was always told if you give a fool enough rope, he’ll hang himself, and with those comments, he had all the rope he needed. No. 2, I didn’t know there was a criteria in order to compete against A-Rod.” Braden added that Rodriguez is “a selfish player.” Braden told CSN Bay Area. “He plays for the name on the back of the jersey, not the front. I don’t know if he’s noticed, but he doesn’t have a name on the back over there so he should play for the name on the front.” Ummm...he’s A-Rod... everyone knows he is a little over-confident. It’s his personality, dude. And isn’t Braden being just as ridiculous by harping on the issue and threatening violence towards ARod (which I don’t think would go as well as Braden is planning, anyway). A day after the game, A-Rod still didn’t see what the big deal was. “I was tired,” he said. “It’s really not that big of a deal. I’ve done that maybe a few dozen times. It’s the shortest route. As I said yesterday, I thought it was pretty funny.” Braden didn’t. He shouted at Rodriguez after the inning ended and postgame. Proving that he is just a cranky man baby, even if he pitched a perfect game last Sunday!
An All-American n 2008, Caleb Campbell had just finished his college football career for Army at West Point. As a safety, he was one of the top football players in the country. He wanted to play in the NFL, but as a West Point Cadet, he had obligations to fulfill on active duty. The alternative service policy gave him a ray of hope. The policy, which was established in 2005 by the U.S. Army, would allow him to play football and delay his five-year active duty military obligation. He wore his military uniform when he attended the draft at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. The Detroit Lions selected him in the seventh round and the crowd cheered “USA.” It was a dream come true for Campbell, out of Perryton, Texas, who wasn’t highly recruited out of high school and grew up a fan of the Dallas Cowboys.
by: Jennifer Wayne
In July of 2008, he went to rookie camp for the Lions ready for the challenge of making the Lions. He had a contract ready to sign, but the day before training camp was set to begin he got bad news. He never got to sign the contract. The Army policy was overruled by Department of Defense rules that prohibit graduates of all three military academies from being excused from active duty for two years. Apparently, other branches of the military got their feathers ruffled insinuating that different branches didn’t have equal opportunity. This year, he has been at Fort Sill, Oklahoma for officer’s training. The Lions, who no longer had the rights to him, brought him in for a workout in March and liked what
by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com
they saw. They offered him another contract and this time he got to sign it. He has been informed that his request for early release from active duty most likely will be granted by the Pentagon sometime in July contingent on him graduating from officer school. The price of delaying the last three years of active duty will most likely be a longer term of military service and possible financial restitution. He loves the Army and wants to stay in and even looks forward to one day being deployed. There are doubters out there who question his commitment to the military. Give the kid a break! He defends our freedom so we can pursue our goals. He deserves the right to pursue his goals.
NBA: Cleveland vs Boston Thur – May 13 – 7PM – TD Garden – ESPN One of these two teams will be playing with their back against the wall. Will the aging Celtics be on the verge of eliminating the Cavs? Will the Cavs be moving on to play the Magic like last season? Only time will tell. One thing you can count on is that there will be some great basketball played.
NBA: Phoenix vs Los Angeles Mon – May 17 – 8PM – STAPLES Center – TNT The red hot Suns travel west for game 1. Both teams will be well rested and players like Kobe and Nash will have recovered from their ailments. The Zen Master Phil Jackson will have the Lakers for battle. The Suns are energized and hungry but can they continue their hot streak?
MLB: Texas vs Toronto Fri – May 14 – 6PM – Rogers Centre – KTXA 21 Rich Harden and the Rangers start the weekend on a road trip up in Toronto against the Blue Jays. Both teams have been playing well and both pitchers haven’t given up a ton of runs. Nelson Cruz could be back with the Rangers as well. Start the weekend off with baseball and happy hour.
MLB: Philadelphia vs Milwaukee Sun – May 16 – 7PM – Miller Park – ESPN It’s Miller Time! The Phillies will start Kendrick and the Brewers will have Davis on the mound. Neither pitcher can keep the opposing line-up off the base paths. This could end up being a high scoring affair with no lead being safe. Ryan Howard and Prince Fielder could view this as extended batting practice.
Photo Courtesy: Matt Pearce & Manny Flores
Photo Courtesy: Steve Bowles
y whole career, my mom and dad have reminded me that no matter where I work or my title, someone in the office is always going to be rude to me and to not take it personal. It took awhile for this to sink in, but I understand now that some people just have an arrogant attitude and who ever gets in that person’s path gets some wrath, so it’s better to just take their words and actions with a grain of salt. Oakland Athletics starter Dallas Braden got into it with Yankee Alex Rodriguez after A-Rod ran across the mound following an out in the April 22 game in Oakland. He is now sharing with the media that he may want to “throw fists” if it happens in their next meeting July 5-7, again in Oakland. I guess his mom and dad didn’t tell him to ignore rude gestures at the workplace. Braden is taking it just a bit too seriously. “We don’t do much talking in the 209,” Braden told CSN Bay Area on last Wednesday. “The 209” is a reference to Stockton, Calif., where Braden is from. Apparently, Braden considers himself some sort of hard-ass thug. Braden said he was mainly pissed off because Rodriguez dismissed his actions and words merely because Braden hasn’t done much as a major leaguer yet.
blitzweekly.com
M
Guess Who Else Is A Man Baby
blitzweekly.com
8 May 12 - 18, 2010
by: Tony Barone “The Senior Sports Authority”
Porter Brings a Winning Attitude to the AirHogs
After 10 years in baseball, how did you end up signing with the Grand Prairie AirHogs? Being a local resident and expectant father (1st child due in September), I wanted to stay close to home base. I called Coach Pete Incaviglia and realized we had a lot in common. Fortunately, we were able to work something out.
You were also drafted by the Houston Texans in 2003 and went through training camp. What was that like? I actually made the team as a flanker. As I was deciding whether to pursue a playing career in football or baseball, I asked the team owner if I was his son what would he advise me to do? After that talk, I decided to pursue baseball.
Last year, you were the American Association Player of the Year. What was the key to your breakout performance? The key was getting the opportunity to play every day and having a great supporting cast, coach, and keeping a positive attitude. To be honest, I was unaware of how good my numbers were during the year as I was focused on winning.
What are your goals with the AirHogs in 2010? Try to put up some good numbers, win some games and use my experience to try and help out some of the younger players on the team.
In 2001 you were drafted in the 45th round by the Anaheim Angels. What do you remember about that day? Actually, I did not want to get drafted. I was playing baseball and football at Texas A&M and did not want to leave. After thinking about it for a while, I decided that signing a baseball contract was best for me and my family and spent seven seasons in the Angels organization.
Photo Courtesy: Gloria Brumagen
You played for the Wichita Wingnuts in 2009. How was your time there? It was interesting; the team had a great year, yet no players were picked up or moved during the season. Everyone stuck together and the support we got from the fans was unbelievable. You were a standout 2 sport athlete at Texas A&M. What are your memories about A&M’s spirit and traditions? I was a captain on the football team when the bonfire fell. The way the entire community stopped and came together during that tragedy reenergized my belief in the human spirit.
The DFW fans are very familiar with team manager Pete Incaviglia. Have you been able to spend much time with him yet and what are your impressions? As I mentioned, Pete is a big reason I am here. He is a class act and is well respected in the baseball community. What do you think the biggest misconception is regarding the level of play for independent baseball? There’s not much difference in the level of play wherever you are in baseball. Whether you have a pitch coming at you at 89 or 94 mph, the bottom line is it gets there quick and you have got to react accordingly. Blitz Weekly is adopting you for the season. Any last words for your new fans as you start the season? Get out here and enjoy yourself. You can bring the entire family to the ballpark for a reasonable amount of money and watch some entertaining baseball.
The Grand Prairie AirHogs recently announced the acquisition of 2009 American Association Player of the Year Greg Porter. Porter, a ten year veteran who was a two sport star at Texas A&M and resides in Keller, sat down with the Blitz Weekly prior to the start of the season.
May 12 - 18, 2010 9
UV Blast! Worm Dip
Humminbird 161 GPS Fishfinder
UV Blast! is a clear overcoat that can be applied to any lure to reflect critical UV light. Your lure will flash even in dark, murky water where UV light, but not visible light, penetrates. Research continues to show that fish see and are attracted to UV light. And with UV BLAST! you get the strongest UV enhancer available today. So why let your lures get lost in the dark? Fire them up with UV BLAST! Worm Dip with UV Blast is an easy method of adding UV reflection to your existing plastics collection. Extremely fast drying, Worm Dip will enhance the underlying pigment of the plastic lure and give it the critical UV reflection that fish can see. Available at Barlow’s Tackle, 451 N. Central Expressway, Richardson – 75080. Price - $6.89
Still using the fishfinder that came on that boat you bought five years ago? It’s time to trade up! Fisherman everywhere are posting rave reviews about the high performance 161 all-in-one Combo with high resolution monochrome display and GPS Chartplotting with the built-in UniMap. Here’s what you need to know about it: • • • •
The Yeti Tundra Cooler
•
So this may not help you catch a bigger fish, but it ain’t gonna hurt your chances either. The Yeti Tundra Cooler is for outdoorsmen and adventurers who seek extremes. Desert sun has scorched these coolers. Blizzards have frozen them. Bears have gnawed on them…but Tundra Coolers “keep their cool.” I prefer the look of their Realtree camo special edition (so you don’t need a separate cooler during hunting season). Here are some of the best features: • • • • • • •
• • • •
blitzweekly.com
Cool Fishin’ Stuff!
We all know the reason anyone goes fishing is to try to catch the biggest mother of a fish, so we can brag about our mad skills. The following items are not only going to help you catch some goods, but they are so cool that they are worth bragging about on their own.
Convenient tilt & swivel quick disconnect mount are included. Real Time Sonar™ instantly captures the action under the boat. Sonar Echo Enhancement™ reveals the smallest details - even your jig! One-Touch Zoom and Bottom Lock enhance resolution and separate fish from structure. X-Press™ Menus access the most important controls with fewer button presses. Microdynamic transducer slices through water for reliable readings to 70 mph. Fresh and saltwater options for optimal performance in any environment. Adjustable backlight for night fishing. Fully gasketed, waterproof construction - they float!
Available at www.boatersworld.com. Price - $329.95
One piece roto-molded UV polyethylene construction is extremely durable. Constructed of food grade material that is dry ice compatible. 3 inches of insulation in the lid and 2 inches in the walls provides superior insulation. Freezer style sealing gasket locks out the heat. Full-length, self-stopping hinge can’t hyper extend and break. Non-slip, non-marking rubber feet help keep the cooler where you put it. Drain plug and rubber washer guarantees leak-proof reliability.
Berkley Gulp! Alive Shrimp
The next generation in Gulp! technology. These baits come floating in “Magic Gravy,” enabling you to recharge your bait by putting it back into the bucket. The company says they are at least 20% more effective at attracting fish and have 34% better swimming action. I think they just look really cool. The 3” long shrimp come in a one quart size. Available at www.overtons.com Price - $39.95
Available at www.yeticoolers.com Price - $279.99 for Realtree Special Edition
by: Jennifer Wayne “Foxie and Fishing It Up!”
Don’t Go To The Lake Without This… Life Jackets Wearing a life jacket may seem a little uncool at times, but it’s cooler than drowning. Plus, it’s a Coast Guard requirement to have one per person on board your vessel. If you’re embarrassed because you are not an expert swimmer and you don’t want to wear a bulky vest, try an inflatable one designed to inflate once you hit the water. They are designed to look like a traditional fishing vest. Sunscreen It’s amazing how ten minutes of unprotected exposure can damage your skin in the Texas sun. Make sure you reapply throughout the day to ensure you don’t leave the lake looking like a tomato.
by Eric Kendall & Jennifer Wayne - “Shipwreck Survivors”
Countless times we have gone to the lake, only to say minutes after arriving at the boat ramp, “Oh crap, I forgot….” Even to this day, no matter how prepared we think we are, we still find ourselves needing one more thing. Here are the top ten things though that we have decided we just can’t leave home without:
First Aid Kit Sometimes you’ll find more than sunken treasure in the lake. You may get lucky and step on a sharp rock or someone’s discarded beer bottle. That’s when you become the hero for bringing the band-aids.
Tool Kit Nothing is more of a let down than hauling your lake toy out to the lake only to have it break down on you. Save yourself the long trip home and come prepared. Sometimes a pair of pliers can save the day.
Koozie Everyone likes cold beverages, but they won’t stay cold for long when its 100+ degrees outside. Those Rocky Mountains on your can won’t be blue for long!
Towels Just when you think you have enough, you need another one. Bring more than you think you need and you will probably end up just right. Towels are helpful for keeping that “lake smell” out of your vehicle too.
Bottled Water Sure you are surrounded by water but I wouldn’t drink it. It’s also good to have clean water to wash your face and hands.
Extra Shoes/Flip Flops Ever had a flip flop float away when you weren’t looking? Watch out for that rock… see number 3 if you forgot your extra pair.
Non-perishable Snacks A few hours at the lake can quickly turn into a full day at the lake. It’s good to have snacks on hand to keep your energy levels up, not only to have fun, but in case of emergency. Extra Gas Can If you are taking the boat out it’s easy to underestimate fuel consumption. There are so many factors to consider that can affect fuel economy. Sometimes just 2 gallons of gas tucked away can mean you can make it that extra distance to the marina.
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10 May 12 - 18, 2010
Lake Ray Roberts
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Location: On the Elm Fork of the Trinity River, 10 miles north of Denton off FM 455. Description: 25,000 Acres, Maximum depth of 106 feet. Angling Opportunities: Guided trips for largemouth bass, catfish, and crappie are popular on this lake. There are many good spots to fish for largemouths. White bass fishing peaks in the spring during the spawning run up tributaries, and again in the summer when bass school in the main pool off the dam. Crappie produce best in winter, and catfishing is great all summer, especially in early June when feeder creeks carry runoff. Tips & Tactics: Largemouth bass angling seems to peak in the spring and fall, but most trophy bass are caught in February and March. In June, big bass can be found at the base of flooded trees in 25 feet of water. There are also many good spots to fish for white bass on this lake; once you visit here you will understand.
Lake Lav
Location: In Collin Count northeast of Wy 15 minutes east
Description: 21,000 Acres, M
Angling Opp This lake is note winter and sprin fish, and blue ca ties. Striped bas They have not r tion provides so are plentiful, wit cies.
Tips & Tactic Outflow from th east side of the e ter, when ambie along the dam p mouth bass, cha the winter, crap usually found ar south-facing sho
May 12 - 18, 2010 11 by: Eric Kendall “Master Boater”
Location: On the Elm Fork of the Trinity River in Denton County near Lewisville Description: 29,000 Acres, Maximum depth of 67 feet
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Angling Opportunities: White crappie and white bass provide the most angling activity on Lake Lewisville. Largemouth bass, the most popular fish in Texas, is also popular at Lake Lewisville. Hybrid striped bass have been stocked and provide anglers with another open water sport fish. The blue and channel catfish fisheries are excellent. Tips & Tactics: Largemouth bass can be found around timber in coves or along the shoreline. White bass school in the main lake during summer; follow the gulls. Crappie fishing is excellent under bridges that cross arms of the lake. Hybrids are found around humps and ridges on Hickory Creek and the main lake. Catfishing is good near the old Lake Dallas area.
von
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ty northeast of Dallas and 4 miles ylie, off Texas Highway 78. About of 75 in Plano.
Maximum depth of 59 feet
portunities: ed for crappie fishing, especially in ng. Largemouth bass, channel catatfish offer good angling opportuniss were stocked in 1989 and 1994. reproduced, but a sizable populaome recreational angling. Sunfish th good populations of several spe-
cs: he electric generating plant on the east arm can attract fish in the winent water temperatures dip. Rip-rap provides excellent habitat for largeannel catfish, and sunfish. During ppie school in deep water and are round deep structure, especially on orelines.
Lake Ray Hubbard
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3 4
5
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Location: In Collin, Dallas, Rockwall and Kaufman counties, one mile west of Rockwall on the East Fork of the Trinity River Description: 21,000 Acres, Maximum depth of 40 feet Angling Opportunities: Hybrid striped bass and blue catfish have become the most abundant sportfishes in the lake in the last few years. With submersed vegetation becoming more abundant largemouth bass angling has improved. White bass, channel catfish and white crappie fishing continue to be good. Tips & Tactics: In the area above Interstate 30, standing timber is the most abundant structure and cover in Lake Ray Hubbard. Hydrilla is found in certain areas and attracts largemouth bass. The rock rip-rap along roadways that cross the reservoir is excellent for
Lake Tawakoni
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Location: In Van Zandt, Rains and Hunt counties, 15 miles southeast of Greenville on Caddo Creek and the South Fork and Cowleech Fork of the Sabine River. Description: 37,000 Acres, Maximum depth of 70 feet Angling Opportunities: Striped bass, hybrid striped bass and white bass are vital to the local economy, providing excellent fisheries especially in the lake’s open water areas. Striped and hybrid bass are stocked annually to maintain the fisheries. Channel and blue catfish are abundant, along with limited numbers of flathead catfish. Largemouth bass is also a popular sportfish in this reservoir. Crappie fishing can be good around standing timber, bridge pilings, and artificial fish attractors. Tips & Tactics: Catfishing is one of Lake Tawakoni’s sure bets. Largemouth bass anglers should concentrate their efforts around available cover such as piers, boat houses, vegetation and trees along the shoreline. Peak times for fishing include spring for spawning fish and fall for schooling fish. In spring and summer, surfacing schools of striped bass, hybrid stripers and white bass can be caught. Crappie fishing is often concentrated near bridge pilings, submerged trees and brush piles in late spring and fall.
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Lake Lewisville
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May 12 - 18, 2010 13 www.dennishambright.com
I.
REAL MAN RULES:
DATING MY DAUGHTER
I don’t know what’s going on these days. Sure, the divorce rate is skyrocketing, and there are lots of families where dad is ‘out of the picture’, but even factoring in the handful of homes with ‘two mommies’, there still seems to be a big shortage of real men watching out for who’s dating their daughters. I look at some of the ‘normal looking’ high-school-age girls that are out-and-about, and then look at some of the knuckle-heads they’re dating, and all I can think is, “What the hell?” I heard a comedian (I think it was Chris Rock) say that once his daughter was born, he realized his purpose in life was to “Keep her off the pole.” I agree 100%, but before a daughter even gets to that age, I think our first job is keeping her away from guys that would end up asking her to ‘work the pole’, so he could stay home and hang out with his buddies and drink beer and play video games all day. You know, LOSERS! I know that no dad thinks that anybody’s ever going to be good enough to date his ‘little angel’, but they’re going to grow up some day, and we’re just going to have to deal with it. So we might as well have some ‘Real Man Rules For Dating My Daughter’….
Be A Gentleman: Even if you’re not a gentleman, it’s a good idea to learn how to act like one. Don’t pull into the driveway and honk your horn and flash your lights and wait for her to come out. Besides being a good way to get your headlights shot out, it’s just rude. Come up to the door and say, “Hello,” then walk her out to the car and open the door for her. II. We Ain’t Buddies: I might smile and be nice, but we ain’t buddies. I know what you’re thinking…I was once young and dumb and…well, you know the rest, and it’s all I can do to keep from punching a dent in your forehead every time I think about what’s on your mind. So, don’t call me ‘Bud’ or ‘Bro’…‘Sir’ will get you a lot further. If you don’t respect me, I’ll assume you won’t respect her. Bad idea. III. Appropriate Attire: It might be stylish to wear your pants slung down low off your hips and cock the bill of your hat sideways on your head, but here’s a little suggestion; hitch up your britches and tighten your belt. I don’t care about seeing your underwear, and I damn sure don’t want my little girl to be peeking at your skivvies. A real man takes his hat off when he comes into the house. So, if you leave your cap on and wear it crooked, I guess you’re just asking me to twist your neck around to straighten it all up. Either way, it works for me. IV.Do Unto Others: Hey, here’s an idea. Don’t do anything to her, you don’t want me to do to you. Keep that in the back of your mind when your ‘octopus hands’ start waving around. The term ‘prison rules’ might be something else to keep in mind. V. The Deadline: If I say have her home by 11:00, I don’t mean 11:01 or 11:15. I mean 11:00. In fact, 10:45 would even be a safer goal. You know, in case there’s traffic. I promise, you don’t want me coming out to ‘hunt you down’. Hmmm…I guess that’s why they put the word ‘Dead’, in ‘Deadline’.
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by: Dennis Hambright
The Art of Objectifying Women by: Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective”
Guys, listen up. You are going to love what I have to say here. Ladies, you probably won’t. Maybe it’s the latent lesbian in me or my classical art background or maybe I am just not so damn uptight. But my point is that women have got to learn to objectify other women. There…I said it. Many of my girlfriends are so insecure when they go out that it’s a grudge match immediately. Face it; guys look at other girls. Smart guys have learned to be sly about it. Dumb guys can’t help but ogle a hot chick if she comes within 20 yards. In a case like that, maybe he should not be with any girl until he learns to grow up a little. But the universal fact is that guys look at other women just like they did you. It’s natural and they can’t help it. So here is a solution for the ladies. Women need to learn how to objectify women. I know girls do it all the time when going through those stupid tabloid magazines. That is what those periodicals are all about. But I am talking about in public. In the real world, girls have got to stop projecting that blond b!tch Heather Grey who in the 8th grade took Michael Kant’s attention off you at the spring dance. Women are objectified to death in our culture; see Blitz Babe of The Week right here in this paper. I know it is tough to start looking at women without the habit of seeing one’s own personal flaws in the perfections of models or the hottest chick in the
room. But this is flat out immature. C’mon! Your body is your own and you can’t start swapping it for Angelina Jolie’s. You are probably not getting paid to model lingerie or swimsuits, so it’s pointless to compare. So transfer that frame of thinking when out in public. Accept other women as people first and then start objectifying them. Yes, that can be crude but it can also be a very helpful tool in the relationship you have. As I pointed out, if he is looking too lustfully when he is given the freedom to look around then you may want to reconsider spending any future time with him. This guy may be ripe for the tree of infidelity. There is some fun too in letting the dog off the leash in a way men may not be too eager to jump at. So, let’s say you’re looking at women at the party and sharing with your boyfriend who you think is the prettiest girl and who is a stuck up b!tch by the way she carries herself. It can be fun little banter. Then ask your man who he thinks is the handsomest man at the party. I am betting 9 times out of 10 that will make him very uncomfortable. For some reason, men seem to be so insecure about their own heterosexuality when suddenly confronted with the notion of finding a man good-looking. This I don’t get, but maybe judging from the two guys who started wrestling on the carpet at last week’s Cinco de Mayo party, I am getting a better idea.
blitzweekly.com
14 May 12 - 18, 2010
by: Jayson Larson
“Man On The Inside”
2901 Crockett Street • Reservations: 817-870-1100 • www.baileysprimeplus.com
The Neighborhood:
The exciting West 7th neighborhood in Fort Worth is quickly becoming Cowtown’s answer to Uptown in Dallas. It has a prime location - nestled directly between downtown Fort Worth and the city’s Cultural District. West 7th has some really cool places to live in: Museum Place, The Lofts at West 7th, So7 and Montgomery Plaza. Within walking distance of these places are bars galore from Poag Mahone’s and 7th Haven to the Pour House and over to the Capital Bar. Restaurants range from Eddie V’s to Macs and Gloria’s to Boomer Jack’s and Tillman’s Roadhouse.
The Look and Feel:
Now you can add another element to this up and coming area: Bailey’s Prime Plus Steakhouse. Does Fort Worth really need yet another steakhouse? In this case, yes! Bailey’s is an upscale steakhouse concept created by prominent Dallas restauranteur Ed Bailey. The Fort Worth chapter is a welcome addition to the restaurant scene. It is evident upon entering off Crockett St. that Bailey’s is not a typical steak place. The entrance of the 8,000-square-foot restaurant is taken over by a glass wine cellar that extends all the way into the ceiling and holds thousands of bottles of wine. To the right is the bar/lounge area that has several flatscreens, as well as live music on the weekends. The main dining room to the left of the entry has high ceilings and chandeliers that sparkle. While many upscale steakhouses are overwhelmingly dark, Bailey’s bright colors add to the laid-back experience. “The concept of the ambiance really deals with making it a very female friendly restaurant,” said owner Ed Bailey. We were seated next to the front window in a booth that was referred to as the “couples table.” The table did carry an exclusive, private vibe as it was hidden around a corner from the remainder of the dining area and offered us a picturesque view of the downtown Fort Worth skyline in the distance.
The Food:
The kitchen, under the direction of Executive Chef Pete Harrison, works with prime Allen Brothers Steaks (both dry- and wet-aged). Even though this is a steakhouse, they have an exceptional eclectic choice of seafood. My date had Sol fish and “That Salad.” Of course, I had to try the steak, which was a Rib-eye with really good flavor.
The Drinks:
The wine cellar holds thousands of bottles from the finest wine regions worldwide. The wine list can be a little overwhelming, so just let your server make a recommendation to fit your order. The bar features comfortable Venetian red velvet lounge seating and a wall of illuminated stained glass. Oh and there is alcohol, of course! Ladies will go ga-ga over their extensive list of signature cocktails.
The Final Word:
The service was right on the mark. Bailey’s stands out in Fort Worth’s coolest neighborhood. They also have the capability to host your next party with private dining rooms accommodating from 10 to 80 guests.
May 12 - 18, 2010 15
F
A Real “Ego” Boost
ord’s new engine technology-– dubbed “EcoBoost”-–might be a bit misleading to some underestimating driving enthusiasts. “The power of a V8 with the fuel economy of a six” may not have motoring maniacs lining up at Ford and Lincoln dealerships, but it should. My first experience with EcoBoost was in the new Taurus SHO, and, more recently, I received both a Ford Flex and Lincoln MKS sporting the twin-turbocharged V-6 powerplant, and in all of them, I was most pleasantly sur-
prised. The driving experiences brought to mind a term I had not used in years: “street sleeper.” This was a phrase from my bench racing days used to describe a vehicle that by all outward appearances was mild and timid, but stomping the accelerator brought
out hidden demons lurking beneath a modest hood. I liken that to the Flex and MKS outfitted with EcoBoost, especially. The vehicles are outwardly attractive for their respective classes, but the drivetrain places them in much sportier company. We’re not talking Mustang or Camaro here, but these models will be the “must-have” classics for future collectors. Ford delivers a new generation of premium performance and fuel economy with the 3.5-liter EcoBoost V-6. This engine truly offers V-8 levels of power (355 hp and 350 lb. ft. of torque) without compromising its V-6 fuel economy (17 mpg city/25 mpg highway for the MKS). EcoBoost engines are backed by an enhanced six-speed SelectShift automatic transmission with control paddles mounted on the steering wheel, in combination with a sophisticated torque-sensing allwheel-drive system. EcoBoost technology will play a key role as Ford moves toward the tighter fuel economy restrictions being brought by the feds and soon we will see four-cylinder EcoBoost engines and perhaps someday even an EcoBoost three-banger. Personally, I would love to see the V6 version under the hood of a Mustang and backed by a slick six-speed manual gearbox-
The Art of Networking
Over the last month, I have received a couple of emails and Facebook requests as a result of this column. Many of you have talked about yourselves, your businesses and your interests. If you caught my column over the last month, you may have noticed that each one contained a little personal or professional information on me. Ordinarily, others might chalk up these exchanges of social interactions to common threads or interests. I continue to discover that these fun facts about my readers are of great use to me. They help me know my readers and turn some of them into future business alliances or partners. Keith Ferrazi, New York Times Bestseller, author of Never Eat Alone and Who’s Got Your Back understands and teaches this concept to everyone from CEOs to high school students. Ferrazi’s concept of “Generosity in relationships as the cornerstone of success” does not seem novel by any means, but then again as I said last week in my Living Life with Clichés column, not everyone gets it...even when spelled out for them. Anyone who knows me will tell you “Ed gets involved in everything.” I get involved in multiple industries, jobs and
by: David Goodspeed “Heavy Foot and a High Opinion!”
-now that would be sweet! For the 2010 model year, EcoBoost is about a five grand bump in price over the base V-6 and front wheel drive drivetrain combination in the Ford Flex and is not offered on entrylevel models. On MKS it brings pricing up around $7,000. Aside from the new EcoBoost powertrain option, little has changed from our first visit with both the Ford Flex and Lincoln MKS models (including our opinions). I am a huge fan of the Flex and wish it came from the factory with a pair of surfboards on the roof. See previous Ford Flex and Lincoln MKS reviews. If you are in the market for a modern “street sleeper” check out something with the new EcoBoost technology under the hood: EcoBoost = “Ego”Boost. by: Edward Biley Andrion eandrion@blitzweekly.com
organizations because of an insatiable intellectual curiosity, as well as the sheer enjoyment of a great new experience. Last week, I spoke of how my father would tell me that sticking to one thing would be a good professional move. What I failed to add was that my father also marveled at the network I have created over the last twenty years. Perhaps he advocated staying in one place because the barriers to entry into many other places were too high. When your friends and colleagues lower the barriers, work and life become much easier. Experiences over the last couple of weeks in the entertainment industry here in Dallas clearly illustrate my point. While many aspiring producers and directors spend years toiling away as production assistants obligatorily paying their dues, I managed to serve as a shadow/apprentice to prominent directors, producers, and other high-level production personalities based on my circle. Friends remain amused at the level of ease at which I can do this. Then I realize, while many people have skills in account-
ing, technology, or another technical discipline, my skill is in bridging gaps. Periodically, friends of mine on Facebook will see new profile pictures of me and buddies. We are either traveling somewhere or attending a great event. Many of these events come with a high cost of entry for the average person. Trade and owed favors often turn into comps and privileged access. Call it something of “Godfather Economics.” Whether you have an Ashton Kutcher-like social network of 3 million plus on multiple mediums or have a group of friends that you can count on one hand, networks help. Email me and let me know how we can shrink the world for each other.
“Generosity in relationships as the cornerstone of success”
“Don Edoardo Andrione” has spent the last ten years in private equity, entertainment, consulting, sales, the United States Navy, marketing, advertising, and high-level analyst work. Each experience allows him to grow his network and shrink the world.
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EcoBoost:
By: Sybil Summers
sybilsummers.com
Top 10 Signs She’s a Freak in the Sack 10. She Rides Motorcycles - It means she’s adventurous...and she obviously likes to ride things. 9. Anklets - There’s something skankyyet-intriguing about a chick in an ankle bracelet. 8. She Dances Alone - She just wants to have fun, and she doesn’t care if you’re doing it with her. 7. She’s a Single Mom - Well, you already know she puts out. 6. Funky Nailpolish - When all clothing’s off, this is the one decoration that still remains. 5. Hip-Swivel-Walk - As my buddy says,”You can tell by the strut, if she’ll be a slut.” 4. Her Undies Peek Through - Whether it’s the bra straps falling off her shoulder or the g-string sticking out of her pants, this girl doesn’t care. Because she knows you’ll be seeing it later. 3. Arch of Her Eyebrow - She can say “come hither” with her eyes alone. 2. Oral Fixation - Be it lollipops, beer bottles, the end of a pen, she’s always putting stuff in her mouth. That means she wants to put other stuff in there too. (Wink.) 1. Tattoos/Piercings - Nothing says easy like a tongue ring and a tat that says “D.T.F.”!
HORRORSCOPES Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
Your current outlook is bleak. Filling your eyesockets with oregano may seem like a good idea. You may find yourself reincarnated as a mushroom.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 21) Positive attitudes and chicken suits will remind you of coal miners and peanuts. This is a sign for you to start vomiting on dogs in public.
Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22) Romantic prospects will soar this week so its better to be in a position where you can at least develop strong enough chin muscles to perform Shakespeare on stage using only a toilet brush.
FUNNIES
Q: Why don’t they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can’t get the smell out of the tuna.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22) Rubbing yourself with castor oil will not protect you from aliens. But you may notice an increase in the number of horses which can poop out gold ingots.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: Why are Arkansas boys so confused? A: Because every night their uncles keep asking, “Who’s your daddy?” The Fishing Trip A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye-bye.” She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?” “Oh” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
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JOKES
May 12 - 18, 2010 17
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) ACROSS: 1. Last Supper cup 6. Letter before iota 11. P 14. Nigerian monetary unit 15. Competitor 16. Abate 17. Assignment 19. Slang for “Head” 20. Dromedary 21. US bird symbol 23. Rock fragments and pebbles 27. Overseas 28. Terminology 32. Intense feelings of suffering 33. Palm cockatoo 34. Permit 37. Peewee 38. Ancient upright stone 39. Expunge 40. Chair part 41. Odd-numbered page 42. Heathen 43. Certify 45. A heart condition marked by chest pain 48. Egg dish 49. Acquire knowledge
50. Adhesive 53. Obtain 54. Unforfeitable 60. Summer refresher 61. Book of fiction 62. Prepare 63. S 64. Say hello 65. German iris DOWN: 1. African antelope 2. Fled on foot 3. A hand 4. Outrage 5. Thievery 6. Streetcar 7. Go backpacking 8. Wickedness 9. A browning of the skin 10. Mathematics 11. Former Hungarian monetary unit 12. Hemorrhagic fever 13. Receded 18. After-bath powder 22. Metric unit of area 23. Knot 24. Scoundrel 25. In the midst of
26. A hole for the escape of gas or air 27. Emanation 29. Lock 30. Mountain crest 31. Claw 34. Licit 35. Cheer up 36. Article of faith 38. Stiff hair 39. Small European freshwater fish 41. Hurrying on foot 42. A type sweet pepper 43. What we breathe 44. Carry 45. Seaweed 46. Requires 47. Movable fence barriers 50. Asphalt 51. Sheltered, at sea 52. Sediment 55. Neither ___ 56. Arranger (abbrev.) 57. Tavern 58. Fifty-two in Roman numerals 59. N N N N
As a gay prostitute, you have a need to escape the hustle and bustle of daily life, and relax and collect yourself. Bobbing for corndogs could be the highlight this weekend!
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You feel love, affection and harmony with others at the Blue Oyster Bar. Those chaps with your ass hanging out will make you the rage! Do not bend over...
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Be on guard for time wasters who divert your attention from the matters at hand by leading you to believe that their agendas are more important. It’s your turn in the Glory Hole!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You may want to call or write someone you love, simply to cheer them up or tell them you love them. Because herpes lasts forever.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) A scheme that’s hanging around in the back of your mind is starting to take shape. Don’t rush it, let it develop naturally...err. Wait a minute. That’s not a scheme, that’s a tumor.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) You may experience a passing notoriety, an unexpected word lets you know they’re watching you, and not always when you’re expecting it. Being on “To Catch A Predator” is your 15 minutes of fame.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20) Since you’re unemployed, this is a dynamic and exciting period in your life. Take advantage of any unusual offers or opportunities. Harry Hines has some great deals!
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) It only takes a second to replace your shoes with radioactive bananas. Smile at everyone you meet and gently proclaim, “I am a filthy crackwhore with 35 tapeworms up my ass!
blitzweekly.com
18 May 12 - 18, 2010
The Machines Have Failed Us! So, my phone died yesterday. No, it didn’t break, it DIED. It cowardly plunged from the depths of my jacket pocket where it was safe and sound, smashing itself on the sidewalk below. It’s easy to believe this stuff just happens by chance. Accidents happen all the time right? Yeah, I don’t think so. If it was the first phone or piece of expensive technology that broke for no reason, I would call it an accident. But think back... How many phones have you owned in your life? From the old rotary phones to the Iphone...How many computers, printers, cameras, cd/mp3 players? The number just keeps rising and rising at an exponential pace. Remember how much you paid for each thing? Holy crap, right? That thought has been haunting me all day long. I went to get a new phone, saw the prices and then it hit me.... What’s the point? Why get a new fancy phone that will be obsolete in three weeks? Why buy a new computer when it will crash on you tomorrow? Why the hell would any-
by: Pat Moran “Man on his Throne” - pmoran@gmail.com
one buy an Ipad? It’s not worth it to me anymore. The machines have failed us. Technology rules our meager livelihoods, but I for one am not impressed. I’ll buy a used flip phone that weighs a brick... Not because I like them, but because it’s a freaking tank. Who cares if it doesn’t check email. If you drop it on your foot, it’s not going to be the phone that breaks. I’m over it. Screw you Technology.
Crossword Solution