Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

VOL. 2 - ISSUE 36

Andrew J. Hewett

BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: Final Level 5 The Cliché Effect 6 Arena Football is Back! 7 Mavs and Rangers News 8 The Low Down on Dog Parks 9 COVER STORY: Party on the Patio! Our Favorite Spots 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Jennifer 12 UFC 113 Preview 13 Restaurant Review: Parigi 14 Blitz Toys 15 The Fan Top 10 with Sybil 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Gut Bomb! 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jennifer Wayne CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER: Cover Photography: Matt Pearce Special Thanks: The Water Hole CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Keith Allison, Stephenson Brown, Steven Hendrix, Eric Kendall, Regis Lachaume, The Bum PHOTOGRAPHERS Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Kent Gilley, Tim Gravens, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Edward Biley Andrion, Brian Beard, Geoff Case, Cassie Cullins, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Rich Hancock, Andrew J. Hewett, Eric Kendall, Peggy Kilpatrick, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Craig Smith, Joe Stumpo, Sybil Summers, Jennifer Wayne, Jesse Whitman and The Bum ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” -- Andy Rooney

www.chewednews.com

Woman Bites Man After Being Called “Fat”

Texas Crew Demolishes Wrong House

A woman was trying to figure out what to do after a demolition crew wrongly tore down most of her house, instead of one across the street. Francis Howard told the Denton Record-Chronicle that “I don’t have the words to say” about what happened to her family’s longtime home. The 69-year-old woman, who lives with her son in Frisco, said last Monday that the family had resided in the Denton home for 47 years. Much of the house was demolished April 21. City records show the house that was supposed to be demolished was ordered in January to be repaired or torn down due to unkempt lawns, outside storage, junked vehicles and failure to secure the structure.

Police say a 24-year-old man is missing a chunk of his right ear that was bitten off by a woman who didn’t like being called “fat.” Police spokeswoman Katie Flood said officers were called to a Lincoln hospital around 3:25 a.m. last Wednesday to talk to the injured man. He told them that he’d been bitten at a party. Flood said officers later learned that the injured man and two others had been arguing with other people at the birthday party. Flood says the man told 21year-old Anna Godfrey that she was fat. Officers said Godfrey then tackled the man and took a bite. Flood said the ear chunk was not found. Godfrey was arrested on suspicion of felony assault.

Vomiting Dog Causes Crash

A man has a pretty good excuse for why he crashed his car into a utility pole in Winona: his dog puked on him. The Winona Daily News reported police found the car unattended last Thursday morning against an Xcel Energy pole. Witnesses told officers they saw a man leaving the area and walking a beagle. The 18-year-old, who does not have insurance or a Minnesota driver’s license, called police about four hours later to confess. The man told police he was driving when his dog started “throwing up all over him.” Deputy Police Chief Tom Williams said the story checked out–police found vomit in the car. The pole had only minor damage. The man was cited for driving without insurance or a license.

SHE MADE THEM MOVE ON, TO HEAVEN

Nannie Doss (1906-1965) of Tulsa, Oklahoma, nicknamed “Arsenic Annie,” “The Giggling Granny” and “The Jolly Black Widow,” was arrested in 1954 for murdering her 5th husband, Samuel, by feeding him stewed prunes with arsenic. She finally confessed to 10 other murders, including her mother, three husbands, two infant children, two sisters and a nephew of a previous husband.

”I WRECKED MY CAR SINGING THIS SONG, TRA-LA-LA-LA”

Reuters News Service reported in 2003 Geely Group, the only privately owned automaker in China, had rolled out the Beauty Leopard model, their first car equipped with karaoke. For 150,000 Yuan Renminbi (about $18,000), the car was complete with phone, navigational gear and a karaoke machine. But the operator’s manual failed to explain how dangerous driving can be.....if the driver watched the little “TV” screen providing song lyrics, while driving and talking on the cell phone, all at once.

DULL BLADES CAUSE FOLKS TO DROP THEIR HEADS MORE SLOWLY

Jean-Baptiste Carrier (1756-1794), French revolutionary, considered the guillotine too inefficient and elected to have his victims packed into barges, towed into the middle of the River Loire, and drowned. Couples were stripped naked and tied face-to-face. Some records say the waters became so polluted with human corpses that fishing was banned.

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE

BLITZREVIEWS By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com

with Robert Downey, Jr.

by: Vivian Fullerlove “Entertainment’s Real Critic”

Now, I am not afraid to own up to being a girly girl. But, there are few things that I enjoy more than an action-packed, explosive-laden, kick-butt Marvel or DC Comics adaptation. Iron Man was simply one of the most entertaining movies I’ve ever seen, and my expectations are crazy high for Iron Man 2. Robert Downey, Jr., reprises his role as billionaire turned super hero Tony Stark. In part two, Stark must contend with deadly issues involving the government, his own friends, as well as new enemies due to his superhero alter ego Iron Man. We talked to Downey about tackling the new Iron Man saga and working with director Jon Favreau. Let’s start by reflecting on the first Iron Man. Were you surprised by the success of the movie? I’ll never forget it. It changed my life. I remember Jon Favreau and I were driving around to theatres, and they kept rolling over Iron Man into other theatres, and it was like watching the train schedule change. It was just so palpable. I guess people reacted as much to me and the character, and there was just a tone to it that people enjoyed. In most of the movies, keeping the “real” person’s identity separate from their super hero persona is crucial. Why did you all decide to tell the world that Tony Stark was Iron Man? We knew when we did that it kind of took away a bunch of opportunities, but then we thought, well no, it actually affords us more because now we have to explore what does it mean to say something but not really know what you are saying at the time. In other words, he says it because in the moment he feels that he can be direct and honest with the public, and that it’s going to serve him. Truth be told, it kind

of does but then it starts bringing some characters from his family’s past looking for him. No action movie is complete without the faithful sidekick, but there was a cast change between part one and part of the film for the character Rhodey. What was it like having Don Cheadle take over that role? I have always admired him a lot. Again to up the stakes there, anyone who looks at the poster for Iron Man 2 knows that the story is about two iron men. One of my happiest remembrances is how we actually really were able to craft that taking place. Once again, it could have again been two dimensional. We had to really see Rhodey’s conflict, and the way it unfolds is more interesting than you might think. In the theatres checking out Iron Man 2 is where we all belong this weekend. The film is rated PG-13 for sci-fi action, some violence and language. For all of this week’s new releases and more of your favorite celebs, check out my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas programming tab!

The Losers If I had any hope The Losers might be an enjoyably fun, brainless popcorn movie, that was all lost within the first ten or 15 minutes of the film when 25 innocent kids are killed after being rescued by a CIA black ops team. I get no joy out of watching a film where young children are killed, much less seeing an 11-year-old girl kill every bad guy like what happens in Kick-Ass. “That was supposed to be us,” says Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), the leader of the group that includes another loner named Rogue (Idris Elba), a computer-hacking expert named Jensen (Chris Evans), who loves jamming to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”, a pilot (Columbus Short) named Pooch and an expert marksman named Cougar (Oscar Jaenada). I suppose I’d want revenge too if I assumed the kids were being safely flown out of the danger zone only to watch the chopper carrying them get blown out of the sky. Therein lies the entire plot of The Losers, which includes lots of guns blazing, sometimes in slow motion. For fans of Maxim magazine who thrive viewing

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scantily clad celebrities on a monthly basis, the film also provides some female cheesecake in the form of Star Trek’s Zoe Saldana as a mysterious operative named Aisha who, like Clay and his band, also has a personal score with Max (Jason Patric), the mastermind behind the botched operation. That should suit viewers who can’t get enough of such tiresome action sequences like this just fine. For me, I expect more from a brainlessly fun popcorn movie like oh, maybe some characters I can root for or see the villain steal the show with the best lines, if not rejoice when he eventually gets his just desserts. None of that happens here, at least from a positive emotional standpoint, that is, or one where I felt the price of admission was well spent. The film ends with the notion there will be a sequel, but given its opening in fourth place last weekend, I don’t think the studio Gods will be too keen on giving the green light to a second outing. If there is anything unique about The Losers, it is that instead of being a winner, the film lives up to its actual title of being a loser.

5 by: Jennifer Wayne “The Foxie Rocker”

2. Telephone Song

Stevie Ray Vaughn - Family Style

3. Tyler

Toadies - Rubberneck

4. This Love

Pantera - Vulgar Display of Power

Photo Courtesy: Eric Kendall

5. Dearest

Buddy Holly - Dearest

6. Bag Lady

Erykah Badu - Mamma’s Gun

7. Bodies

Drowning Pool - Sinner

8. Fully Alive

Flyleaf - self-titled

9. Punk Rock 101

I like metal. But not just any metal. I like that metal that has a passion and a force behind it. Those songs that make you instantly say, “That’s what I am talking about.” Those riffs that make you grit your teeth and say, “Hell, yeah!” And those beats that make you bang your head and smack your thighs. If this sounds like your kinda metal, too. You need to check out Final Level. Final Level Vocalist AZ Zane and bassist Tim Bond had been searching for the right mix of musicians for over a year. After a couple of incarnations, including drummer Rick, who joined almost a year ago, they found the right mix with new guitarist Luther, who came on board around the first of this year. I caught up with them at their first gig together as the current Final Level last week at Skillman St. Pub.

What is your fave song to play? Rick and Tim (agreeing): “Let It Rain,” followed closely by “Push.” By the way, you can watch our video for “Let It Rain” on youtube. Just type in “Let It Rain Final Level” and turn it up to 10! Any groupies? Tim: None that we are aware of, but it is early. Rick: But we are taking applications. Send your resume via www.myspace.com/ finallevelband. Auditions this Saturday

Vanilla Ice - To The Extreme

HELLYEAH, featuring former Pantera/Damageplan drummer Vinnie Paul Abbott alongside members of Mudvayne and Nothingface.

Thur 5/6

Cinco de Drinko Plush, Dallas

$3 Dos Equis and $5 Patron...we won’t tell them that “cinco” means five. Free champagne for ladies until 11 p.m. $15 for guys, $10 for gals.

Fri 5/7

Tequila Dinner Gaylord Texan Resort, Grapevine

The Gaylord Texan Wine & Food Society is having a Tequila Dinner for their May dining event--an exquisite meal, especially prepared to accompany a variety of tequila beverages, by Executive Resort Chef Ty Thoren. Special guest speaker Tania Oseguera. $90 per person.

Sat 5/8

Wine on the Roof East Lake Pet Orphanage, Dallas

If Final Level was an adult beverage, what would it be? Rick: A shot of tequila because it kicks you in the teeth and burns like hell but it feels so damn good you gotta have more.

This wine dinner will feature a silent auction and raffle. Texas Animal Advocate Kinky Friedman will be given the orphanage’s John LaBella award for kindness to animals for his Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch, a no-kill shelter. For more info, 214-349-3576.

If you could open for anyone, who would it be? Tim: Drowning Pool, Hell Yeah, Five Finger Death Punch...

Seventh-annual CityArts Festival Fair Park, Dallas

If someone offered you a million dollars to play a set naked in Alaska on the set of a gay porn, would you? Rick: Yes. We’re all about experiences and so long as all we’re doing is playing a set and not part of the movie action, why not? It’s a million freaking bucks! And we could all hide our freezing cold junk behind our instruments, except for AZ, who’d just let his love gun flop around in the arctic breeze because hey that’s what a frontman does. It’s hard to tell how old you all are? You think you could hang in the metal world these days? Or do you have to be home by 9 pm otherwise you are no good the next day? Rick: What do you mean COULD we hang? We DO hang. Although it is sometimes interesting trying to function in the real world the next day.

Sun 5/9

It’s Mother’s Day. If you’re a cheap bastard, this event won’t set you back much, but it will impress your mom that she raised such a cultured child. Admission, entertainment, demos and most of the activities are free; vendors and restaurants will sell and sample food; artist vendors will sell fine art and original pieces.

Mon 5/10

Describe your sound? AZ: We have a raw, sexual, heavy groove with hard rock/metal riffs. The music is heavy enough that the guys dig it but there’s also something in there the chicks dig, too. Tim: Confessional Melodic Metal.

night at O’Riley’s after our 9:00 p.m. gig!

10. Hooked

Pappa Roach with HELLYEAH Palladium Ballroom, Dallas

ICP with Coolio and Kittie Palladium Ballroom, Dallas

Kittie was founded in 1996 by sisters Mercedes and Morgan Lander when they were not even 18. Their first CD Spit was quickly Certified Gold and to date, they have sold well over a million albums...and now they are legal. 7 p.m.

Tue 5/11

Totally generic question, but I have to ask for those who haven’t heard you yet: Who are your influences? Rick: Each band member has different influences in their background...Led Zeppelin, Van Halen, Dokken, Ramones, Alice in Chains etc. For the band itself, we tried to model ourselves like Chevelle, Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin... modern rock with heavy tendencies...with a touch of classic metal. What ended up happening is all four personalities came together in this bastard amalgamation called Final Level.

Bowling For Soup - Drunk Enough to Dance

Wed 5/5

ZZ Top - Tres Hombres

MUSIC: Texas Musicians 1. La Grange

Beer Pong Night OE Penguin, Dallas

OE Penguin invites you to “come get your balls wet” at Beer Pong all night long, plus Happy Hour from 5 p.m. until 11 p.m.

If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com!

by: Edward Biley Andrion eandrion@blitzweekly.com

The Grand Prairie AirHogs Are Ready For Lift-Off by: Cassie Cullins

Photo Courtesy: Regis Lachaume

AirHogs Media

Living Life According to Clichés

hy is it that when people speak with clichés, people tend to tune out? Many individuals I encounter seldom seem to relate to the teaching or even understand it. Personally, I think there may be a gold mine here. Could I start living life with clichés as my blueprint? Maybe I employ the advice, become successful, and then write a book or, maybe even less ambitiously, a collection of sayings and short stories that people can relate to. Besides, if Oprah recommends the book, I become a New York Times bestseller overnight. I know that I already have a few favorites. Take for instance this one, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Is that any different from what your financial advisor preaches in their recommendation for diversification? Nope. Wait a second, I allow myself to give my advisor all this credibility and all he is really doing is telling me what to do with my “nest eggs”? This actually made me think about some advice my dear dad used to give.

He would say, “Edward, it’s better to be really great at one thing than do be okay at many.” A longtime friend and prominent Dallas photographer echoed these same sentiments the other day. “If you’re really good at one style of shooting, there’s a good chance the client chooses you over someone else.” I can see how so many would make use of this philosophy, after all Henry Ford and his production lines and specialization seem to be a testament to the idea. In today’s economy, I find that the more well-rounded you are, the more likely you can find work. I guess since the cliché worked for me it was brilliant like some ubiquitous horoscope or fortune. Whether you agree or not the cliché actually made me think of another favorite. My wife mocks me at times since I speak in clichés so often. I think it actually makes for insightful conversation. One former educator considered the following cliché when molding minds of impressionable youth. “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for

a day, teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime,” says James Edward, former PISD alternative program teacher. “My goal was to inspire and teach the kids to make great decisions,” says Edward. While the cliché may be more biblical than colloquial, I think it speaks well to doing things for others versus teaching them to do it for themselves. As a father, I am always a proponent of teaching my children and making them responsible citizens rather than spoon-feeding them everything they will eventually need to learn. Whether it is financial advice or teaching methods, I think there is definitely something that can be said for age-old adages. Send me your favorite clichés, because they may turn into my future financial fundamentals or the blueprints to raising my kids. Edward is a father of four who often resorts to clichés when raising his children. When not doing that, he works as a business development consultant, where he uses clichés ad nauseum.

With spring training under way, the team has welcomed new additions, including LHP James Paxton, a candidate for a Top 10 MLB Draft Selection, OF Greg Porter, former Texas A&M wide receiver turned baseball player (and 2009 American Association Player of the Year), and 3B Juan Camacho, a .300 switch hitter and former New York Yankees prospect. Entering his third year as skipper, Incaviglia has shown a knack for acquiring and developing talent, having had ten players already acquired by Major League clubs and at least one (Paxton) expected to jump early this season due to the draft. Having been a top prospect himself while at OSU (he still holds the NCAA records for career home runs and for home runs and RBIs in a season), “Inky” will return to his college roots this summer when he is inducted in to the Oklahoma Sports Hall of Fame in August 2010. Scheduled to begin the season at home on Friday, May 14th, the fanfare surrounding the opening weekend festivities will include

live music, on-field performers, fireworks and post-game kids-run-the-bases. More wacky promotions are on tap this year including “Hogs Fly Free” Night (June 2) in which the AirHogs will take on the price-gouging airlines and charge fans for carry-ons (proceeds benefiting FlyersRights. org) and the “Twilight Saga (Eclipse) Blood-Drive Night,” – Vampires Welcome (June 22) in which blood donors get-in-free. Next Game: Friday, May 14 vs. Pensacola Pelicans Gates Open: 5:30 p.m. Game Time: 7:05 p.m. OPENING NIGHT! Sponsored by Republic Services and the City of Grand Prairie… Gates open at 5:30 p.m. with live music at the front gates and a 2010 Magnet Schedule Giveaway to the first 1,500 fans. Arrive early for exciting pre-game festivities including a ceremonial first pitch by NFL Hall-of-Famer Charley Taylor! For tickets, visit www. airhogsbaseball.com

by: Craig Smith

On Friday, the Dallas Vigilantes played their home opener against their Southwest Division rival, the Oklahoma City Yard Dawgz, at the AAC. Dallas came into the game 0-2. Most of the lower level seats were full and many fans wore Dallas Desperados gear. Dallas received the kickoff and it didn’t take long to score their first home touchdown in franchise history. Collin Drafts threw a nine-yard pass to Larry Brackins for the score two minutes into the game. The extra point was missed. On the Vigilantes next possession, former Dallas Desperado Josh White ran through defenders on a short run for the touchdown. After another stop, Kenny Henderson returned a kick from end zone to end zone to make it 20-0. The Yard Dawgz finally got a score and then after a Dallas fumble, they got a long TD pass to make it 20-14. White fumbled inside 10 for the Vigilantes and the Yard

Dawgz returned it for a touchdown with 2:21 in the half to take 21-20 lead. Dallas fired back quick with a touchdown pass to Derek Lee with 49 seconds left to regain the lead 27-21. Chris Brown of the Vigilantes then intercepted the ball for another score with 12 seconds left. One play later, another touchdown to Brackins with two seconds left puts Dallas up at the half 41-21. The second half wasn’t nearly as exciting. Dallas scored on the opening drive on a pass to Lee, but the second half was all about the defense. Dallas got their first franchise win 55-34. During their bye week, 15-20 Vigilantes players played a small role in the HBO series Entourage filmed at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington. The scene involved Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones and will be aired this summer. This Friday they play at home against Orlando Predators.

Dez Does Dallas I watched the first round of the NFL Draft hoping the Dallas Cowboys would select Dez Bryant, the best receiver in this year’s draft. Once they got into the 20’s of the first round, I thought we had a chance to get him. I thought it was too good to be true that he was still there. I was concerned that Baltimore would take him with the 25th pick, two spots ahead of Dallas, to replace the aging Derrick Mason. Apparently, Jerry Jones was wanting the same guy because Dallas traded up to get the 24th pick. I then knew that the guy I didn’t think would possibly slip to us would soon be announced as the Cowboys pick. He is the first pick in years for Dallas that I am really excited about and a steal for the 24th pick. Bryant is a big receiver at 6’2 and 225 pounds with great speed. He is good enough to make an instant impact. He has great hands and is especially adept at going up and getting a high pass. He runs aggressively after the

catch and is hard to bring down in the open field. As a sophomore at Oklahoma State in 2008, he was a consensus All-American as a receiver and was named the Big 12 special teams Player of the Year. He finished second nationally with 19 touchdown receptions, third with 113.9 yards receiving per game and third with 17.94 yards per punt return. He had two 200-yard receiving games. I can’t wait to see him lined up opposite Miles Austin! He only played three games his junior

by: Craig Smith

MLB: Texas vs Oakland Wed, May 5 – 2:35 PM – OACC – FS SW Just when things looked bleak for the Rangers… they end up in first place. Unfortunately, at just 1 game over .500 they aren’t too far ahead of the pack. Oakland is currently in 2nd place and right on the Rangers tail.

NBA: San Antonio vs Phoenix Wed, May 5 – 8:00 PM – US Airways Center – TNT Most of us would like to see the Spurs choke, right? Well, this could be your chance. Ginobili, Parker & Duncan all scored 20+ points each in game 1 but they were still no match for the blaze of the Suns. Steve Nash showed up with a double-double, scoring 33 points.

“Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

season after being suspended for lying to NCAA officials about dining with Deion Sanders. I am pretty sure he is not the only college student or athlete to lie in the past year. Teams passed on him after being labeled with “character issues.” How can you be labeled that way when you have never been in trouble with the law, tested positive for drugs or been known for having a bad attitude? He did have a rough upbringing with his mother being incarcerated and his father not being around. The simple fact that he has overcome that and put himself where he is now, shows me a hell of a lot of character. If you heard his press conference at Valley Ranch or any of his recent interviews, you have heard the numerous times he said “yes sir” and “no sir.” That shows not only character, but courtesy. Jerry Jones says the Cowboys aren’t going to keep a watchful eye on him and they shouldn’t. Don’t judge him until you get to know the real Dez!

NBA: Cleveland vs Boston Fri, May 7 – 6:00 PM – TD Garden – ESPN The series is tied at 1-1 and the Cavs march into the Garden to take on the Celtics. Will Lebron & Co get bounced again? Thanks to Rondo’s 19 assists & 13 in game 2, the Celtics pounded the Cavs and proved that they were anything but old & slow. It’s going to be harder on the Cavs this time around.

NBA: Los Angeles vs Utah Sat, May 8 – 7:00 PM – Energy Solutions Arena – ABC Game 3 of this series should be a good one. The Lakers defeated the Jazz, 104-99, in Game 1. Honestly, the Jazz let this game just slip through their fingers. Kobe Bryant led the way for the Lakers with 31 points. The Jazz are going to have to come up with a better way to guard Kobe if they want a chance.

Photo Courtesy: Gregg Case

Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

“Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

by: Geoff Case “NBA Analyst”

RANGERS:News

Season Recap: Mavs Not Built For Playoffs Sweepness in Seattle! The Mavericks’ GM Donnie Nelson grew up watching his father Don Nelson put rosters together built to make the playoffs. The problem is he never got to experience one that was built to win the playoffs. Donnie is tops in the NBA in almost every other category of the GM trade but ultimately fails to put together a roster that goes all the way. The Dallas Mavericks are a finesse team that all too often opts to take the jumper rather than the collision course to the basket. The common misconception is that this because their best player Dirk Nowitzki is primarily a jump shooter. The problem is not Dirk Nowitzki shooting too many jumpers because he’s freakishly efficient, it’s the Mavs have surrounded him with a support group of players that do exactly the same thing. The team is one dimensional and while they are very good at that one dimension, it fails to produce in the post-season where defenses are allowed to be more physical. The simple fact is that we have a collection of jump shooters with questionable defensive skills that can’t regularly get to the line or penetrate

to the basket. In this format, the Mavericks will only advance in the playoffs until their shot gets cold. If you look at the blueprint that San Antonio has built multiple championship playoff runs around, it becomes simple. Combine two slashers (Ginobli, Parker) with a guy that can get tough baskets in the half court (Duncan) and fill the perimeter with three-point specialists (Barry, Hill, Horry). Build the foundation of the roster on athletic defensive-minded role players and you become a tough match-up for anyone. The Mavericks 2006 Finals run was built on slowing the game down and using Dirk as our primary threat in the half court and using Devin Harris as the slasher. Coincidence? I think not. Dirk is a great way to get tough baskets in a slow half court game, ask Avery. In fact, he’s the greatest bailout option for a slasher in the NBA. Imagine swapping Dirk for Tim Duncan with the Spurs current roster. They would be odds on favorite outside of LA to win the title. Normally, it’s tough to get a truly great slasher but this off-season features multiple options to pursue.

On Sunday, behind another strong pitching performance from C.J. Wilson, the Rangers completed a three game sweep of Seattle and took over first place in the American League West. Wilson pitched seven innings and gave up only one run. His ERA for the season is now 1.65, which puts him in the top five in the American League. Feliz Cumpleanos to Neftali Feliz who turned 22 on Sunday and got his fifth save in six chances in the 11th inning. They beat three of the top pitchers in baseball three games in a row. I have to give a lot of credit to Manager Ron Washington. After a slow start to the season, he has got this team turned around quick. He said before the season started that it’s about winning championships now and apparently he meant it. He has made bold moves to put his team on a winning track. He made Neftali Feliz the closer in the first week after Frank

by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

Francisco blew two saves. He moved Julio Borbon from lead off hitter to ninth and Elvis Andrus into the lead off spot. He sent Chris Davis and Taylor Teagarden to Oklahoma City after struggling at the plate. Colby Lewis was named the Ranger’s Player of the Month for April after going 3-0 and is currently second in American League in strikeouts. Darren O’Day is one of four relievers in the American League who have not given up an earned run in at least eight innings. He averages 12.9 pitches per inning this season, which is the lowest of any American League reliever. Since the beginning of last season, he has the third lowest ERA among all relievers with at least 50 innings pitched. This weekend they will be home against the Royals. Saturday, it is Michael Young jersey giveaway for 13 and under and reusable bags on Sunday for Mother’s Day.

Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison

MAVS:News

To ensure a clean park, there are always several poop bag stands, so when your dog does their business, you are supposed to pick it up and throw it away immediately. Trust me…if you don’t, you will get glares from other dog owners. Most dog parks are separated into different sized areas. One for small dogs (up to about 25 lbs), one for big dogs (anything from a 30 lb puppy to a 150 lb Great Dane), as well as a little area if your dog is aggressive with other dogs, but you still want him to get some exercise. Most people who have not been to dog parks don’t realize that there is usually nobody running them. They’re just like city public parks--free of charge and free of any employees. Because of this, you and only you are responsible for your dog and their behavior. You may think your dog is the sweetest thing on earth, but when it’s around unfamiliar dogs, you never know what could happen, so always be prepared for your dog to become aggressive or protective of you. It happens. Most dog owners understand, but taking your dog to a park is always a risk. People in the past have been sued for dogfights.

by: Peggy Kilpatrick

Photo Courtesy: Nathaniel Chadwick

“Girl with Taste...and a Dog”

If you’re like me, then you’re a huge dog lover. If you’re like me, your house/ apartment isn’t big enough for your dog to run around and play for hours at a time. If you’re like me, then you take your dog to the dog park. A dog park for dogs is like a giant playground with the biggest, baddest and coolest jungle gym ever for kids. And that’s what our dogs are, right? Our children. Dog parks have become more popular and people-friendly. Instead of taking your dog on a walk around the park, he/she can run around off the leash in an enclosed area with all different kinds of dogs for as long as you’d like. There are usually a lot of trees and park benches, so you can sit down and read if you’d like. There are drinking fountains on the ground for the canines, as well as human ones.

“Wiggly Field” in Denton is located just off Ryan Rd. and Country Club Rd. Behind the park is wooded trails that lead out to Hickory Creek Rd. There is also a small pond where dogs can swim and cool off. At the City of Denton website (www.cityofdenton.com), you can read the rules and regulations. Another well-known dog park is in Fort Worth, called “Fort Woof.” It is located at Gateway Park, north of I-30 between Beach Street and Oakland Blvd. You can find out more at www.fortwoof.org. There is also a much talked about dog park at White Rock Lake in Dallas. This dog park also has section with a small lake where the dogs can play in the water. Check out the website at www.whiterockdogpark.com Most dog parks are outdoors and part of the city parks, but you can really only go there when the weather is right. Good thing Dallas has its very own indoor/outdoor dog park. At Unleashed Indoor Dog Park, you can bring your pups to play in a beautiful and supervised, state of the art, 50,000 square ft. facility, while you shop or dine. Although there is a small fee per dog every time you come in to play, it may be worth it on a rainy or cold day. The facility also holds a doggy daycare, offers grooming, and a dog friendly lounge and café. To learn more about this awesome dog park, check out www.unleashedindoordogparks.com.

II Brothers

8308 Preston Road, Suite 198 • Plano 927-712-8308 www.iibrothers.com Patio Holds: 100

You may be surrounded by dozens of shops and restaurants, but you’d never know it. This patio is fenced in and filled with tropical greenery. It’s like going on a mini vacation! There’s live music every Friday and Saturday and sometimes on Thursday. Hit it during happy hour (Mon-Fri 11 a.m. until 7 p.m.) and enjoy $3 margaritas.

Big Shucks Oyster Bar

6232 East Mockingbird Lane • Dallas 214-887-6353 www.bigshucks.com Patio Holds: 150

Seafood and patios are meant to be together and no other place in the metroplex does this as well as our friends at Big Shucks. Right now crawfish season is in full effect. So grab some friends and some cold ones! Besides the staff wears t-shirts that say: What the Shuck?

Frankie’s Sports Bar and Grill

2516 South Stemmons Freeway • Lewisville 214-488-1100 www.frankiesbar.com Patio Holds: 300

This patio is like an outdoor living room with plush couch-like benches and flatscreens, as well as high-top tables and bar stools. There’s plenty o’ parking, 20 types of beer on tap and either a DJ or karaoke for your listening pleasure. On Tuesdays, they have free pizza with a drink purchase!

J. Pepe’s Tex-Mex Grill & Bar 3619 Greenville Ave. • Dallas 214-821-6431 www.jpepesgreenville.com Patio Holds: 125

It’s the only patio on Greenville Avenue that has its own swimming pool. Sit out front and relax while taking in the atmosphere, then go out back for a swim. Live music, water volleyball and Tex-Mex…the Three Amigos are on their way! Beware of fat guy doing cannonballs.

Lemon Bar

3699 McKinney Avenue, 106 B • Dallas 214-443-6043 www.thelemonbar.com

Patio Holds: 50

This will remind you of a Parisian sidewalk café from a James Bond movie. The little bistro tables are perfect for an intimate date or a chat with a good friend. Located in the West Village, this is a great place to people watch. Try the frozen lemonade. It packs a big punch.

Sports Page Bar

3300 West Mockingbird Lane Dallas, Texas 75235 214-654-1021 Patio Holds: 30

Pack your bags…it’s on! The Sports Page Bar is literally across the street from Love Field. That means you can party here before flying out. Nothing beats the feeling of getting some rest and relaxation. Hot stewardesses nearby is a good thing. Enjoy the drink specials!

Ozona Grill & Bar

4615 Greenville Ave. • Dallas 214-265-9105 www.ozonagrill.com

Patio Holds: 300

Outdoor fireplace, giant trees and an ambiance that can’t be beat. Some say that it has a Barton Springs (Austin) kind of feel to it. Plus you don’t have to go inside for a drink, they have a bar outside. Apparently lots of SMU co-eds like this place. Nice!

San Francisco Rose

3024 Greenville Ave. • Dallas 214-826-2020 www.sanfranciscorose.com Patio Holds: 75

For starters, it’s the Home of the “Pimp C” and has been a staple of Greenville Avenue nightlife since 1977. You can watch the big game on their flatscreens while taking in an ice cold PBR. It’s pet friendly…so yes, bring your four-legged friend and watch as he gets more attention from the ladies than you!

Sol’s Nieto Mexican Grill

6434 E. Mockingbird Lane, 101 • Dallas 214-826-5564 Patio Holds: 50

This is the only spot in Lakewood that we know of that serves Tex-Mex on a patio! They have a great jukebox and really cool art work. Sol’s has real margaritas and Mexican Beer to consume so say “adios” to stress and “hola” to good times.

The Water Hole

3620 Raider Drive • Hurst 817 -354-7888 www.waterholestop.net Patio Holds: 150

This patio is a great place to hold a cook out with your buds. With two grills on hand, you can bring your own burgers, brats and buns and have at it! There are tables with umbrellas to keep the hot sun at bay, plus a patio bar and horseshoes! Be sure you bring plenty of food, though, because this is a spot where the regulars are friendly and you are bound to meet a few friends.

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by: Jennifer Wayne - “The Foxie Foodie”

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by: Brian Beard “Ultimate Fighter”

Lyoto Machida vs. Mauricio “Shogun” Rua:

This is an interesting fight as not only a rematch, but it could be a repeat of their last fight. These two had such a close fight last October that the UFC has decided that Rua deserved another title shot right away. I agree seeing as he got butt fu*ked out of the decision in the last fight. I believe that he outfought Machida, 100% without a doubt. Rua will have a chip on his shoulder this fight, but it won’t matter and I’ll tell you why. Machida is an extremely intelligent fighter and he will have the perfect game plan for this fight. This will make him less willing to engage and more cautious. He will win another decision but it will be a rather boring fight. Rua will try to decapitate Machida but Machida will allude and win.

Josh Koscheck vs. Paul Daley:

These two cats have talked a lot of sh!t and really do not like each other. Kos has predicted that he will choke Daley out and Daley is predicting a knock out via his explosive right hand. Koscheck is a phenomenal wrestler and has really improved his striking since coming to the UFC. Daley is extremely athletic and a very explosive striker who has one punch KO power in his right hand. He also kicks like a fu*king mule. Most of Daley’s problems in the past have come from good ground fighters, which Kos is pretty damn good. If Kos is smart and does not stand and trade, his prediction will come true and he will choke the piss out of Daley. If he decides to bang it out, he will be outclassed and will get KTFO. I’m going to call Daley by vicious knock out.

Kimbo Slice vs. Matt Mitrione:

Not a lot of experience from either one of these fighters; however, both are very good athletes and are very explosive. If you don’t know who Mitrione is, I forgive you. If you have never heard of Kimbo Slice then you have been living under a rock and should probably go back. If you really don’t know, Google him, b!tch. Kimbo has always been one dimensional and really isn’t ready for the big show that is the UFC. I do have to commend him on his willingness and ability to learn. He has what it takes to be a great fighter and is surprisingly humble. I like the cat. He gets most of his wins by head hunting and overpowering his opponents and I don’t think he can do that in this fight. Mitrione is a former NFL player who is very athletic and hits/kicks HARD. He will catch Kimbo on the button and put him to sleep. Kimbo will become obsolete. It’s a shame; the guy could have had a good career had he been molded properly. Either way he will get his bread!

Presented By: The Gym • 921 West Mayfield #112 • Arlington, Texas 817-652-1555 • www.thegym.org

One Less Stroller It’s coming. It is inevitable to mother, but I can tell you I so many guys and it’s either by: Jesse Whitman more often than not are an“A Woman’s Perspective” coming from her, your mom noyed as hell at the presence or maybe your own instincts. of kids. You know exactly I am talking about fatherhood. Sometimes what I am talking about. Kids are obnoxguys don’t plan on it, but more ideally, it ious, loud and undisciplined little creeps is a very planned and thought out defining that can destroy the mood of any situation. life decision. In fact, nothing in our lives I know that because I live and breathe in defines us more than being a parent and America. nothing changes us more profoundly than What I don’t know firsthand because I am having a child. not a parent is how much of a task having On the other hand this is the 21st century a kid is. You have to wipe their butts, feed and the world is not the same as it was dur- their faces, entertain them, clothe them and ing the baby boomer generation. The role the wardrobe needs to be updated constantof men and women is a lot different these ly! That’s just the early years when you days than when your mom and dad were don’t get any sleep at night and the woman debating having you and your siblings, or goes through postpartum depression. How did they? Today, it’s a lot trickier. are the pre-teen years going to work for Fred Pearce, the author of “The Coming you when these kids are screaming for the Population Crash: and Our Planet’s Sur- latest XBOX or begging for plastic surgery prising Future,” makes a case that our out before they are fourteen? of control world population is stabilizing So I look to my friends Steve and Lisa and will even drop not necessarily because who are in their late 40’s. They have been of famine and war, but in part of changing married for 10 years and party with the social dynamics globally. best of them. They are one of the happiest Sometimes it amazes me how many couples I know and they don’t have kids. young women I speak with have such di- Happy? That sounds very good. vergent ideas about motherhood. Some In a study from Florida State sociology girls have already picked out names for department back in 2005 looking at 13,000 their future kiddies and I mean first, mid- households, the simple truth came out. Pardle and even last (not all of these girls are ents experience lower levels of emotional attached yet). Other women are sure of well-being, less frequent positive emotions one thing and that is not to have kids. and more frequent negative emotions than Well, I am personally relieved to hear their childless peers. other women give their support to the Maybe being happy is not what parenthood motherless team. A 2008 study showed is all about, but from over here, I think I that childless couples were happier than will settle for happiness. parents. I don’t know because I am not a

photo and story by: The Bum

www.dallasrestaurantsreview.com

Parigi

3311 Oak Lawn, Dallas, TX 214-521-0295 â&#x20AC;˘ parigidallas.com

by: Rich Hancock

Photo Courtesy: Gregg Case

rich@rationalradio.org

By: Sybil Summers

sybilsummers.com

Most Fascinating Serial Killers 10. Harold Shipman - AKA: Dr. Death. He murdered his patients with poisonous injections. Although the fatality rate is high, the method was too tame to warrant a higher ranking. (Body Count: 215) 9. Alton Coleman - No one was safe-men, women nor children--when this partially-retarded rapist went on a killing spree along with his girlfriend Debra Brown. (Body Count: 8) 8. Dean Corll - This creepo had a private dungeon complete with an airhole-poked box for waiting victims to witness their predecessors being tortured. (Body Count: 27) 7. Gary Ridgway - AKA: The Green River Killer. Preyed on prostitutes, then strangled ‘em. (Body Count: 71) 6. Dennis Rader - AKA: BTK Killer. Successfully led double life for 31 years--even hiding his quest for flesh from his wife--while subsequently taunting police with frequent letters and tips. (Body Count: 10) 5. Joe Ball - Texan who was notorious for feeding his victims to alligators. (Body Count: 22) 4. Ted Bundy - One word: Necrophiliac. (Body Count: 37) 3. John Wayne Gacy - Was able to get clearance from Secret Service to accompany Jimmy Carter’s wife-unfortunately NOT while dressed as a clown. (Body Count: 33) 2. Jeffrey Dahmer - Pedophile? Check. Cannibal? Check. Thick-ass rapist glasses? Double check. (Body Count: 17) 1. Ed Gein - This graverobber stole corpses so he could construct a skinsuit. In his house, police discovered furniture made of body parts and a “box of vulvas.” Weird, right? What if I told you one of them was his mom’s? (Body Count: 15+)

JOKES

HORRORSCOPES

FUNNIES Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why is the government like a prostitute? A: You’re always getting screwed and you have to pay for it! Q: Why is it difficult to solve a redneck murder? A: There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same. A Visit to the Doctor

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants off; she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing,” asks the doctor. “Yes, checking for abnormalities,” she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra. She takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?” She replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.” Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?” She replies, “Yes, getting herpes - that’s why I am here!”

ACROSS: 1. Smooch 5. Exchange 9. Run off to marry 14. Once again 15. Not wild 16. Energize 17. Sheet of glass 18. Inspiration 19. Alter 20. Ruthless 22. After dinner candies 23. What we chew with 24. Article of faith 26. Before 29. Sign up 33. Cassock 38. Record player 39. Arch type 40. Take as one’s own 42. A title of address 43. Called 45. Thick dark syrup 47. Ancient ascetic 48. Apiece 49. Tiny parallel grooves 52. S S S S

57. Without delay 60. Being on a very small scale 63. Beauty parlor 64. Ends a prayer 65. Coastal raptor 66. Unsuitable 67. Nerd 68. Matured 69. Concur 70. Likelihood 71. Not more DOWN: 1. Not working 2. Silly 3. Detect 4. Used a broom 5. Mix 6. Dry riverbed 7. Catkin 8. Wampum 9. Chemical 10. Infinite 11. Roasting appliance 12. Confined 13. Concludes

21. Throat-clearing sound 25. Snuggle 27. A literate person 28. Conclusion 30. Colored part of an eye 31. Arid 32. “Little piggies” 33. Cast a ballot 34. Auspices 35. Collections 36. It helps you see the stars 37. A male cat 41. Dad 44. Accord 46. Neighborhood 50. Insect stage 51. Directed 53. Rob 54. Billow 55. Gray sea eagles 56. Beginnings of plants 57. Largest continent 58. Twinge 59. Winged 61. Require 62. Writing fluids

by: Pat Moran

Crossword Solution

“Man on his Throne” - pmoran@gmail.com

Much has been written about KFC’s new “Double Down Sandwich,” which in essence is a chicken sandwich, except instead of bread they have added two pieces of fried chicken. Coupled with two strips of bacon, extra cheese and some so-called “special sauce,” this tanker of a gut bomb clocks in at 540 calories and a sweaty palm-inducing 1,380 mg of sodium. Holy crap, right? The “sandwich” has caused an uproar across the country, with media outlets from The New York Times to the Huffington Post remarking at how terrible it is. People are pretty upset that in a time where our country’s waist line is expanding at a hilariously fast rate, a fast food company can pretty much just laugh in our face. But I disagree. This stuff is hilarious. This ridiculous sandwich is more of a metaphor than a threat. Honestly, if you want to eat this thing, go ahead. Please, by all means, eat it. That is your right as an American. It is also your right as a fat ass. Don’t think you are a fat ass? Well, did you happen to get excited when you heard the words, “Substitute fried chicken for bread”? Did you think up an argument about how you are go-

ing to go to gym tomorrow, after you’ve had your Double Down? Yep. Fat assery abound. To me, this sandwich serves as both a litmus test and an IQ exam. It’s almost as if it was invented to literally separate the wheat from the proverbial chaff. If you eat this sandwich, you are probably showing the world that you will never be considered for any sort of Lifetime Achievement Award, never break out of your current tax bracket and if you ever get on the news, the caption describing you will read simply, “Local Man” or “Area Woman.” Pretty much the most unexceptional person. But it’s okay. We can’t all be up for the Medal of Valor. And I would be a damned hypocrite if I said that I was intrigued as to how it tastes. Even Peabody Award winners The New York Times and Huffington Post all had their food critics eat one of the sandwiches before writing their columns. So go ahead. Give it a shot. Have a Double Down. But remember, with each and every bite, you are slowly saying good bye to your potential and saying hello to a world of elastic waist bands and unplaceable odors. Bon Appetit!

The Beautiful People

@ the Magnolia MONDAY, MAY 10TH • 7PM DALLAS, TX. MONDAY, MAY 10, 2010 - Kitty Glitter Productions in conjunction with Witkowski Johnson Productions will be premiering the indie episodic The Beautiful People at The Magnolia Theater in the West Village (3699 McKinney Ave. suite 100, Dallas, TX). This 45-minute premiere launches the first episode of The Beautiful People, a horrifically beautiful tale of blood, lust, Hollywood, a brother, a sister and an empire. The Beautiful People promises to leave its audience thirsting for more! Red carpet arrivals begin at 7pm with pre-show cocktails followed by the official after party at LEMON BAR. The public and press are invited to join Dallas talents Morgana Shaw, Regan Adair, and Liz Mikel for this all-star launch of The Beautiful People!

RSVP by Friday, May 7th to kittyglitterproductions@gmail.com