Woman Finds Out LeBron Pendant Worth Nearly $10K
BLITZ News Shorts Hollywood Profile/Movie Review Music: Shred Guitarists 101 Rangers/AirHogs/Vigilantes News Ready For Some Cowboys Football Finding Time to Workout COVER STORY: Training Camp Preview Familiar Faces in New Places Training Camp Then and Now Super Bowl Update Training Camp Battles BLITZ BABE: Samantha Take A Shot For A Buddy Food Review: Boomer Jack’s Blitz Toys The Fan Top 10 with Sybil Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes Last Call: Is There Anything Better?
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PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jennifer Wayne CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER Cover Photography: Ronnie Baker Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Kent Gilley, Tim Gravens, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Keith Allison, April Ashford-Forsythe, Ronnie Baker, David Ball, Brad Barton, Jeffrey Beall, Louise Docker, Rodrigo Della Favera, Joe Lorenzini, Jason Mahanga, Justin Proulx, Martin Re, Daid Shankbone, Craig Smith, Derrick Vanderwerf, TonyTheTiger, Alienevil, ShortstopVM, SteelCityHobbies, Vtpeters STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Eric Kendall, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Craig Smith, Joe Stumpo, Jennifer Wayne and Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Joe Avezzano, Kris Boudreau, Adam Bruster, Cassie R. Cullins, David Goodspeed, Dennis Hambright, Andrew J. Hewett, Jayson Larson, Sybil Summers ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029
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VOL. 2 - ISSUE 47
July 21 - 27, 2010 3
QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I think my first [goal] is to get the team organized and make sure everybody is on the same page and try to get a system put in where we know what we’re doing on and off the field and go from there.” –Wade Phillips
An Ohio woman paid $5 for a LeBron James pendant at a yard sale, thinking it was costume jewelry. But the International Gemological Institute said Vaneisha Robinson’s find is the real deal, ringing in at nearly $10,000. Robinson, 20, said she used to wear the jersey-shaped pendant to high school when she didn’t know its value. Then she had it appraised. Gemologist Jerry Ehrenwald said the 14-karat white gold pendant sports more than 2 carats of diamonds. The number 23 jersey reads “King” on the front and “James” on the back. Robinson, who’s an amateur boxer in James’ hometown of Akron, Ohio, listed the jewelry on eBay.
Men Accused of Beating Porky Pig at Theme Park
Police said authorities at Six Flags Great America ejected two offduty employees from the theme park after they allegedly attacked a female colleague dressed as “Porky Pig.” Gurnee Police Sgt. Jon Ward says two young men took a photo with Porky last Monday afternoon, and then punched the mascot in the head 10 to 15 times. Ward said park security detained the men until police arrived. He said the men were issued local ordinance citations for battery. He said the suspects denied the attack, but witnesses confirmed the story. The 24-year-old woman inside the mascot costume suffered headaches and a stiff neck.
Australian Bitten While Trying to Sit on Crocodile
A man ejected from a pub in Australia broke into a zoo and climbed onto the back of a crocodile named Fatso, which bit him on the leg but then let him go. Police said they’re surprised the croc didn’t inflict worse damage. The 36-year-old man, who police said had just been thrown out of a pub for being drunk, told officials he scaled the barbed wire fence surrounding the Broome Crocodile Park in remote northwest Australia last Monday night because he wanted to give the 16-foot Fatso a pat. “He has attempted to sit on its back and the croc has taken offense to that and has spun around and bit him on the right leg,” Broome Police Sgt. Roger Haynes said. The saltwater crocodile then inexplicably let the man go and he climbed back over the fence to safety, police said. The man, who was a tourist from eastern Australia and whose name was not released, suffered some “very nasty lacerations” and was taken to a hospital, Haynes said. “Saltwater crocodiles ... once they get hold of you, are not renowned for letting you go,” Haynes said. “He’s lucky to have escaped with his life.” Saltwater crocodiles are the world’s largest reptile and can grow up to 23 feet. They have become increasingly common in Australia’s tropical north since hunting that almost extinguished the species was banned in 1971.
Andrew J. Hewett
www.chewednews.com
MAYBE HE WAS “FLYING HIGH” WITHOUT HIS PLANE, ALREADY?
June 27, 2010, The Dallas Morning News told of United Airlines pilot Michael Slynn, 49, who’d been stopped while passing through security at the international airport in Rio de Janeiro. According to the report, when Slynn was asked to remove his belt and shoes, instead he dropped his pants down to his ankles, while giving security cameras a big laugh. (Slynn was allowed to fly back to Washington, D.C., but required to appear in court next time he flew to Brazil.)
HIS FREE BURIAL PLAN WAS RUINED BY AUTHORITIES
July 10, 2010, wire services from El Paso, reported Carlos Roberto Medina Bailon, 30, had escaped from federal detention by hiding inside a trash bin. He went undetected and free by way of a garbage truck....until his dead body was recaptured at a landfill in Sunland Park, N.M.
NOT THE BEST OF WAYS TO SOBER UP, ALL-OF-ASUDDEN
July 11, 2010, news services from Las Cruces, New Mexico, reported, quote: “A Dona Ana County man was severely burned when friends set his prosthetic leg on fire after he lost a drinking bet, the sheriff’s office said.” Also, according to the story, the severely burned man was transported to a Texas burn treatment center.
blitzweekly.com
4 July 21 - 27, 2010
HOLLYWOOD PROFILE
BLITZREVIEWS By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com
with Angelina Jolie
by: Vivian Fullerlove “Entertainment’s Real Critic”
When you think of kick-butt female action movie stars, inevitably two words come to mind, no make that three: Beautiful Angelina Jolie. How she manages to look like that with six kids is nothing short of a medical miracle. If I had the pleasure of cohabitating with Brad Pitt, I would be the picture of perfection, too, I’m sure! Well, Angelina is back on the big screen this week in her new action thriller SALT. Jolie plays a CIA officer who has sworn an oath to duty, honor and country. Her loyalty will be tested when a defector accuses her of being a Russian spy. She goes on the run, using all her skills and years of experience as a covert operative to elude capture. Her efforts to prove her innocence only serve to cast doubt on her motives, as the hunt to uncover the truth behind her identity continues and the question remains: “Who is Salt?” This movie combines the best of what we love about Angelina. I sat down with the actress to talk about the movie and her character the elusive Evelyn Salt. How did you prepare for your role as Evelyn Salt? We met with people in the CIA, the Russian House and ex KGB. What was the most important thing you learned from them in your preparation? You really do see the sacrifice they make. They can’t talk to their families. They can’t talk to their husbands; so, they live in this kind of isolated world where they kind of move through life, but they don’t communicate. So their commitment to their country is very different from anything that we know. The action in this film is really off the chart. How do you find whatever you need inside you to even attempt half of this stuff you do in movies? I’ve worked with the same stunt team for the last ten years. They’ve become like family, so I think they get more nervous. When I’m climbing out a window to climb onto a ledge, they’re the first ones to be like, “No, no, wait!” because we’re family, and we love each other…I know they’re going to extra check my harness and
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my safety rig, and if they say I can go off a bridge, I trust them, and that it’s okay. Another intense element of SALT is your co-star Liev Schreiber, who is an incredible actor. What was it like working with him? I love Liev’s commitment to detail. As an actor, he is extraordinarily [detailed]. By the time the film was over, he was reading in Russian. Just every detail of his performance, the why and the how [of his character is there.] And you can read that when you see the movie. You can feel it. You can check out SALT in theatres this week. The film is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action. For all of this week’s new movies and more of your favorite celebs, check out my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas programming tab, and email me your favorite Angelina Jolie movie for a chance to win a pair of movie tickets to SALT at Vivian@reelcriticstv.com!
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
With the Transformers franchise possibly ending next year, producer Jerry Bruckheimer is on the hunt for another lucrative action-adventure/fantasy series that has the ability to spawn off installments. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, which failed to deliver, marked Bruckheimer’s strike one if I were to apply it to baseball. Now comes The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, inspired by the brief animated orchestral segment from Disney’s Fantasia (1940) that featured Mickey Mouse as a magician. Unlike Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, the good news is that The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is not Bruckheimer’s strike two. The film manages to hit a few balls in this live action version about a 500-year-old magician named Balthazar (Nicolas Cage) who’s been searching for centuries to find his next apprentice. Enter Dave Stutler (Jay Baruchel), a nerdy college physics student who is reluctantly recruited to become the next sorcerer as he must help Balthazar defend Manhattan and perhaps the world from his arch nemesis Maxim Horvath (Alfred Molina). There are a few laughs and even a couple mock references to Star Wars (1977) and Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981). Instead of hitting that desperate home run out of the park that’s needed to win the game, however, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice eventually hits a foul ball.
July 21 - 27, 2010 5 blitzweekly.com
by: Eric Kendall “Guitar Hero”
Steve Vai - Fire Garden
4. Far Beyond the Sun
5. S.I.N.
Steve Vai – Most people have heard of Steve Vai. Shoot, even my mom has. It’s mainly because he’s a bit “Fabio” looking…but the man can shred. Vai got his start as a music transcriptionist for Frank Zappa. Before long he took off on his own as a soloist and also has toured with a variety of bands, like David Lee Roth and Whitesnake.
7. Race With The Devil on a Spanish Highway
John Petrucci – JP is well known as being a Prog master. Highly influenced by the likes of Rush, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd and Metallica. Put all those together and you get the sound of Dream Theater. Mr. Petrucci is such a great guitarist that he’s been invited to partake in the “G3” tour (which is basically THE best guitar masturbation concert) numerous times. Randy Rhoads – Randy Rhoads didn’t live a very long life, but did very well to leave behind a huge imprint on the metal world. Randy started out playing with Quiet Riot and Ozzy Osbourne. One of his trademark songs (and solo) is the very popular “Crazy Train.” To this day he is cited as an influence by many contemporary heavy metal guitarists, including longtime Osbourne guitarist Zakk Wylde. Dimebag Darrell – Another tragic tale in the shred world is the one of “Dimebag” Darrell Abbot. Dimebag frequently appeared in guitar magazines writing a long-running Guitar World magazine column, which was compiled into the book, Riffer Madness. He was praised for his tone and was included in “The 50 Greatest Tones of All Time” by Guitar Player magazine. Photo Courtesy: Rodrigo Della Favera, Derrick Vanderwerf, April Ashford-Forsythe, Vtpeters
Yngwie Malmsteen - Rising Force
Tired of the same ol’ same ol’ “top guitarists of all time” lists? Tired of seeing people who barely know how to operate a guitar get nominated? Well, this is a list for you! Put your big girl panties on...it’s time to shred.
Jason Becker – Once again…another virtuoso stricken by tragedy. Jason Becker started off as a neo-classical metal guitarist and composer. By the age of 16, he started Cacophony with his friend Marty Friedman. Becker continued on and released his own solo work and later joined David Lee Roth. Becker’s success was then hindered by his diagnosis of Lou Gehrig’s Disease and was given only three to five years to live. He eventually lost the ability to speak and now communicates with his eyes via a system developed by his father. Despite his disability, he continues composing by using a computer and has released Collection. Jeff Loomis - Jeff Loomis is the lead guitarist for the metal band Nevermore. He auditioned for Megadeth at age 16, after their lead guitarist Jeff Young was fired from the band. After they played a few songs together, Dave Mustaine thanked Loomis and told him that one day he would become a great guitar player, but because of his age he was not right for the position. Flash forward to now and that’s exactly what he’s become. I always think of Jeff as the guitarist from the Dark Side of the Force. For those seeking something a little heavier and a little darker…but still with some great complexity and passion, Jeff delivers. Joe Satriani – The bald-headed genius who got everyone “Surfing with the Alien” back in 1989. Satriani is a multi-instrumentalist with multiple Grammy nominations and has toured with everyone from Mick Jagger to Deep Purple. He has taught many of the best in the industry: Steve Vai, Larry LaLonde, Kirk Hammett and plenty more.
Ozzy Osbourne – No More Tears
6. Cemetery Gates
Pantera – Cowboys From Hell Al Dimeola - Elegant Gypsy
8. Touching Tongues
Steve Vai - Sex and Religion
9. Hot For Teacher
Van Halen – 1984
10. War Inside My Head
Dream Theater - Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence
Thur 7/22
Dream Theater - Once in a LIVEtime
3. Warm Regards
Cabernet Sauvignon Tasting Put a Cork in It – Fort Worth Taste Cabs from around the world. The tastings are Thursday (3-7:30pm) and Friday-Saturday (3-9pm) and always free.
Fri 7/23
July Wine Dinner The Grape – Dallas Special guest will be Oak Cliff Cellars proprietor JR Richardson. Chef/Owner Brian C. Luscher will prepare an intimate 3-course meal. Price is $45. For more info: 214-828-1981
Rock and Soul Showcase House of Blues – Dallas Blue October and Gary Kyle will be performing. Gary Kyle was raised in Kingwood, TX. Gary’s father, who died when Gary had just turned one year old, was a country/bluegrass singer and guitarist who performed for years in honky tonks and bars throughout Texas and Oklahoma. The show starts at 7 p.m.
Sat 7/24
2. Lines in the Sand
Wed 7/21
Last Girl on Earth Tour Superpages Center – Dallas Rihanna is the main event and Ke$ha opens. Random Rhianna fact: She won the Miss Combermere Beauty Pageant in 2004 in Barbados.
Sun 7/25
Ozzy Osbourne – Blizzard of Ozz
Summerfest Palladium Ballroom Dallas Schwayze, Silverstein, Senses Fail, Dance Gavin Dance, Sky Eats Airplane and more perform. The show starts at noon.
Mon 7/26
9th Annual Asian Film Festival: Ip Man 2 Angelika Film Center – Dallas The powerhouse sequel to last year’s Audience Award winner, IP MAN 2, starts at 7:15 p.m. Donnie Yen returns as the grandmaster of Wing Chun. None of that switching actors for the sequel…cough*Iron Man 2*cough.
Tue 7/27
MUSIC: Air Guitar Mix 1. Mr. Crowley
The Cool Tour Palladium Ballroom – Dallas Underoath, As I Lay Dying, Between the Buried and Me, Cancer Bats and more perform. The show starts at 3:30 p.m. Tickets are $29.50.
If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com
RANGERS:News The Boston Massacre
by: Craig Smith
“Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com
The Texas Rangers had a short week after the cycle with a grand slam. He is only the the All-Star festivities. They had a 4-game fifth Ranger to ever hit for the cycle and series in Boston and it was all definitely the largest. about the Rangers. Texas took The players in the three out of four games in the dugout were quite Boston Massacre, outscoring amused by his lack of them 22-10. Strangely, the speed. “I would have only game they lost was the bet everything I owned one Cliff Lee pitched. He that Bengie Molina pitched another complete would never hit for the game and gave up two runs cycle in his career… over 9 innings. The Red Sox ever,” Ian Kinsler said won in the 11th inning on a afterwards. Kevin Youkilis sacrifice fly. Last Sunday, C.J The Rangers were really close Wilson pitched like an to sweeping one of the best ace. In 6.2 innings, he teams in baseball which is a struck out 10, a career great sign of things to come. high, gave up only I have been a Rangers three hits and a run. If fan for years, but Friday was Lee has had some tough luck with the Rangers Wilson continues to the first time I believe I saw pitch like that and Lee the unimaginable. Bengie Molina hit for the gets some run support, the Rangers will be cycle. One of the slowest guys I have ever a force to reckon with for the rest of the seen run around the bases in major league season and playoffs. baseball legged out a triple in the eighth This weekend they will be home for inning. Since his career began in 1998, that a very important 4-game series with the is only his sixth triple. He also became only second place Angels who they lead by 4.5 the eighth player in MLB history to hit for games after last Sunday.
VIGILANTES:News
by: Craig Smith
“Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com
Photo Courtesy: Joe Lorenzini
Dallas Beats the 1st Place Chicago Rush The Dallas Vigilantes traveled to Chicago last Chicago scored with 41 seconds left and got Saturday to face the first place Rush. Dallas the 2 point conversion. Dallas had the ball came into the game with a 10-game losing 1st and goal with 14 seconds left, but after streak. The only game they several attempts for the end won this year was on April zone, they settled for a field 30th against Oklahoma goal and overtime. Brackins City. Chicago played here scored on the Vigilantes earlier this season and won first possession. The game 63-56. Dallas receivers ended when Delenall Reid Kenny Henderson and intercepted (his second of Derek Lee both went over game) the ball and returned the 1,000 yard mark for the it for a touchdown. Dallas season the previous week won 65-52. against Tampa Bay. This Saturday night is the Dallas scored first final home game of the year. when Kenny Henderson They play Utah, who has caught a 24 yard pass from only one win this season. Collin Drafts. Henderson The Vigilantes are offering got knocked over the wall $5 general admission but held onto the ball. On tickets for this game. At 4th down, later in the first halftime, the Vigilantes quarter, Drafts hit Matt will retire the #13 worn by Fields to put Dallas up 14Clint Dolezel, who finished 0. This game was close Brackins was all smiles after the Vigilantes victory his career with the Dallas all night. Larry Brackins Desperados. He retired in caught a touchdown pass with a little over 2008 after 13 seasons and a few records: five minutes left in the game as Dallas trailed the all-time Arena Football leader in passing 44-42. On the ensuing kickoff, the ball took yards with 44,559, passing touchdowns with a weird bounce off the net and was recovered 931 and eight seasons in a row with 3,000 for a Dallas touchdown by Jason Harmon. yards passing.
AIRHOGS:News
Going Through a Slump
by: Cassie R. Cullins
AirHogs Media
If you’ve ever gone speed-dating, you he’s definitely on the look-out for some may understand what it’s been like to be princes (specifically pitchers) and if these an AirHogs fan over the past two weeks. nine new faces prove themselves quickly, Encountering the dreaded mid-summer AirHogs fans can certainly look forward to slump, the AirHogs roster a marriage made in ‘Hog heaven. has undergone dramatic And who knows?—maybe even changes -- and some of the a play-off berth. new faces came and went Additionally there are faster that you could enter several AirHog players swinging their digits (6-4-3…) on the bat well, just some of the your scoresheet. timing of the hits haven’t been In the last week as beneficial as needed. The alone, nine new players AirHogs have five hitters batting were signed to the 22over .300 with 1B Greg Porter man-active-roster—which leading the way with his .379 meant at least nine guys batting average. Third baseman left, and some never had David Espinosa is holding his time to un-pack. Such is own batting .361 Rounding out the life of an independent this group are 2B Antoin Gray, minor-league ball player, OF Daniel Berg and OF Robert and on that note—also Perry. Hollimon is on the move the life of an independent Be sure to mark your minor-league manager. Just as in speed- calendars for Saturday, July 31st. The dating, you know right away if you’ve “hit original number 88 will be throwing out the it off,” a good manager knows right away if ceremonial first pitch. That’s right, you can you can hit at all. see Drew Pearson in person. To top things AirHogs field manager Pete Incaviglia off, there will be a fireworks show after the may not be exactly “kissing frogs” but game. Be there!
Photo Courtesy: Brad Barton
Photo Courtesy: Craig Smith
blitzweekly.com
6 July 21 - 27, 2010
July 21 - 27, 2010 7
by: Jennifer Wayne “Foxie and Fired up”
in the rotation Friday night against Kansas City. I am not sure the rest of the Yanks are buying that. The righthander returned to the mound in the third immediately after his tantrum, but was lifted after facing two more batters and giving up his fourth run of the game. It was Burnett’s shortest start in two seasons and the Rays ended up winning 10-5. Burnett initially told trainer Steve Donohue that he was hurt in a fall, but revealed the real story once he calmed
down. Burnett said Sunday he learned from the situation. And this ain’t no paper cut, either. Burnett was sliced in that oh-so-delicate part of the hand between the thumb and forefinger. All I do is type all day and I think I would be hindered from doing my job at normal pace, so I don’t think ol’ A.J. will be performing at the normal level of suckage from before the incident, but at a higher level of suckage. Way to go, Ace.
Ready For Some
by: Craig Smith
Photo Courtesy: Ronnie Baker
Cowboys Football? Are you ready for some football? It’s time for training camp to begin. The Dallas Cowboys first practice is Saturday, July 24, in San Antonio and will have their last practice there Friday August 6. They practice in Oxnard, California, starting Saturday, August 14 through Friday, August 27. This year they start a week earlier than everyone else because they are playing in the Hall of Fame Game in Canton against the Cincinnati Bengals on August 8. The Cowboys hope to be home at Cowboys Stadium this season for the Super Bowl. Expectations are high after last season when they got their first playoff win since 1996 by crushing the Philadelphia Eagles 34-14. Many experts are picking the Cowboys to go to the Super Bowl. There haven’t been too many changes in the off season. Gone is five time Pro Bowler Flozell Adams who was released in April. It’s about time we got rid of him and his countless penalties. Good riddance. He is currently still looking for a team. Ken Hamlin, the starting safety the last three years, was also let go in April and is now with Baltimore. Replacing him may be the only
“Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com
big change on defense. Also gone is long time disappointment Bobby Carpenter, the 18th pick in the 2005 draft. Ironically, he was traded to St. Louis for Alex Barron the 19th pick in the same draft. He is a lineman who can be used at several positions. The best news for Dallas was that Miles Austin signed his tender offer for $3.168 million to play next year. He had more than a breakout season last year. He led the NFC for the season with 1,320 yards and was named to the Pro Bowl. Not bad for a guy who wasn’t even a starter the first month and was never expected to be. Cowboy fans can’t wait to see Dez Bryant get on the field opposite Miles. He was the 24th pick in this year’s draft. He not only wears #88 but could be the new “playmaker.” He was considered by many to be the best receiver in the draft. I can’t wait for football to begin. I may just have to make that trip down I-35 and get a sneak peek of this year’s squad. The road to Arlington begins later week and ends February 6, 2011, at Cowboys Stadium.
MLB: Mets vs Dodgers Thur. July 22 – 9:10PM – Dodger Stadium – Extra Innings This is a rarity and a special treat for baseball fans as two Japanese pitchers face off in a series that could have playoff implications for both teams. The Mets send out converted bullpen pitcher Hisanori Takahashi and the Dodgers have Hiroki Kuroda. The Mets definitely have the bigger bats but Dodger Stadium is definitely a pitchers ballpark.
MLB: Angels vs Rangers Fri. July 23 – 7:05PM Rangers Ballpark – KTXA-21 Everyone knows how big this series is between these two AL West division foes. Everything is on the line when Joe Saunders of the Angels takes the mound. The Rangers will answer with C.J. Wilson who had an excellent outing against the Red Sox with a career high 10 strikeouts. The Rangers bats are alive coming out of the All-Star break.
NASCAR: Brickyard 400 Sun. July 25 – NOON – Indianapolis Motor Speedway – ESPN The Brickyard 400 is rapidly becoming one of the crown jewels of NASCAR with its flat 2 1/2 mile track. There isn’t much banking but it is still a difficult track to master. Tony Stewart and Jimmie Johnson have won the last five races between them. Who will take the checkered flag on Sunday?
MLB: Cardinals vs Cubs Sun. July 25 – 7:05PM – Wrigley Field – ESPN Albert Pujols and company close the series under the bright lights of Wrigley Field as they take on their division nemesis. They send out former CY Young winner Chris Carpenter. The Cubs will answer with Carlos Silva who has been roughed up in several of his recent outings. Grab an Old Style and a Hebrew National!
Photo Courtesy: Matt Pearce
Photo Courtesy: ShortstopVM
Sure, there are times when we all let our temper get the better of us in front of our coworkers, but here is an embarrassing work moment for the record books. Frustrated after two innings of sucky pitching against Tampa Bay, Yankee pitcher A.J. Burnett slammed open a set of double doors last Saturday, slicing both palms open on plastic lineup-card holders. That’s right…a pitcher who threw a whiny baby fit in front of his teammates injured the very tool that he needs to play the game. If that ain’t karma… Burnett said he apologized to his fellow Yankees last Sunday for his clubhouse meltdown. Donning bandages on each palm, Burnett also insisted that the lacerations won’t affect his ability to grip the ball and he will take his next turn
blitzweekly.com
Ya Get What’s Coming To Ya
Finding Time to Workout with a Busy Schedule We live in a world that is fast-paced, stressful and lacking in free time. That being said, we must find time to exercise and improve our health. We owe it to ourselves, and to our families, to get “in shape,” and stay there. An exercise routine does not have to be a long, drawn out workout that we dread; and
Even a 10 minute workout helps
if it is, we will most likely abandon it. Finding the right time of day to exercise is important. Some of us are “morning people” and enjoy waking up early and going to bed early. Exercise before work would be a good idea for this group. Wake up, eat a quick breakfast, hit the gym and you are energized and ready for work. People that stay up later and do not function well in the morning would do better with a workout at lunch or after work. The night owls can try the early morning workout, but if it is too difficult to wake up extra early and lack the energy to exercise, accept the fact that you do better in the afternoon or evening--no big deal, just as long as you do it. Escaping from work to exercise at lunch is a great way to give yourself a boost of energy for the rest of the day and also prevents you from skipping a workout at the end of long day. A common misconception about exercise is that it has to be a long and grueling workout to have any benefit…not true. Many guys that are in the gym for 1-2 hours are standing around, talking or looking at girls. Trust me, I used to do that in high school and college. I’m not saying all people waste time, because I know there are a lot of hardcore workout people out there. You can get in a great fat-burning,
by: Adam Bruster “Health Guru”
metabolism-boosting, muscle-building workout in 30-45 minutes, and even 15-20 minutes. The key is to push yourself, do not rest too long in between sets, and do not get trapped talking to the guy at your gym who is mainly there to talk and look in the mirror--most gyms have this guy! All joking aside, you will see results with high intensity, time efficient training. The most important thing to remember about exercise is CONSISTENCY. If your weekly goal is to exercise four days a week, make sure you get those four days in no matter what. Once you start skipping, it gets easier and easier to miss consecutive workouts, and all of a sudden, you’re not exercising at all. Even if you can only squeeze in a 10 minute weight workout before an afternoon business meeting, get it in and check it off your calendar--be proud of your dedication and commitment. That keeps you consistent and on the right path. I believe that exercise is essential
Can you bench your own weight?
for our well being, and should be just as important as going to work or eating. Does it make sense to skip, or never participate in something that is proven to lower risk for diseases, lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol, and improve quality of life? I don’t think so either. * Consult physician before beginning exercise
Photo Courtesy: Justin Proulx
blitzweekly.com
8 July 21 - 27, 2010
July 21 - 27, 2010 9
“Voice Out West”
Impact Players
Donovan McNabb QB - Redskins: The ‘Skins have had a rather dismal recent past in acquiring free agents and new talent, but Dan Snyder finally found a way to get a proven leader on and off the field. Donavan will have the single biggest impact to any team this year in the NFL. Washington may still miss the playoffs in the tough NFC East, but there’s no doubt the losing culture will change with McNabb behind center and Mike Shanahan.
Photo Courtesy: TonyTheTiger, Jeffrey Beall, SteelCityHobbies & Keith Allison
Julius Peppers DE - Bears: The post salary cap offseason started with a bang when Chicago signed a record contract to the 5-time Pro-Bowler. The most coveted defensive free
agent will help the 23rd ranked rush defense in the league and help put pressure on NFC North division quarterbacks Brett Favre (you have to assume he will come back) and Aaron Rodgers. Brandon Marshall WR - Dolphins: This move gives Miami a big down field threat to go along with their wild-cat formations. Chad Henne still has much to prove to whether he can lead this team to the playoffs as Chad Pennington did in 2008, but adding Marshall solidifies this receiving core. Marshall has had character problems on and off the field, but with Bill Parcells running this operation, expect a more mild-mannered persona.
Anquan Bolden WR - Ravens: Baltimore found a perfect fit when they traded for Anquan in early March. His toughness perfectly personifies Baltimore’s image and his big play ability gives the Ravens a possible double threat receiving core for Joe Flacco along with Pro-Bowl tight end Todd Heap. Santonio Holmes WR - Jets: The Jets pulled off the steal of the offseason when they received Holmes from the Stealers for a 5th round pick in this year’s draft. Of course, there was a reason why such a talented receiver can be traded for a 5th round pick. Like Brandon Marshall, Holmes has some character issues and has been arrested numerous times during his NFL Career.
Mid-Level Acquisitions
Karlos Dansby LB - Dolphins: Miami acquired Dansby after Arizona franchised him the last two years. Karlos was a leader for the Cardinals defense since he was drafted in ’04 and will be a great pickup for the ‘Fins. Joey Porter - LB - Cardinals: The Cards lose a team leader in Karlos Dansby but replace him with 4X pro-bowl veteran Joey Porter. Jake Delhomme QB - Browns: The Browns have been inept at the quarterback position since Derek Anderson’s 2007 Pro Bowl season. After Anderson signed with the Cardinals and trading Brady Quinn to the Broncos, Cleveland hopes they find a veteran that can lead the last ranked passing offense last year.
Offseason Misses
Ladainian Tomlinson RB - Jets: LT should have an even smaller role than he did last year in San Diego. Shonne Green will start and get the majority of the carries and LT’s role will continue to decline. The best the Jets should hope for is a veteran leader off the field. Jason Campbell QB - Raiders: Unfortunately, this was a necessary move after they drafted maybe the biggest bust in NFL history JaMarcus Russell in 2007. However, Campbell has been declining since halfway through the 2008 season and has never lived up to expectations. Anything behind center will be an upgrade from Russell, but Campbell certainly isn’t pushing Oakland into any sort of playoff contention.
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by: Kris Boudreau
Photo Courtesy: Ronnie Baker, Alienevil
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10 July 21 - 27, 2010 by: Joe Avezzano “The Coach”
Training camp in its old form originated in the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s (That’s 1900s). Players didn’t make a lot of money and most required off season employment to make ends meet. So training camp was designed for players to get in physical shape to play the game as well as learn the plays. This meant two-a-day practices for weeks at a time and six pre-season games to try to develop the timing and cohesiveness necessary to succeed. Fast forward to now and the entire landscape has changed for a variety of reasons. Money plays a big role in everything. Because of the enormous amount of money involved now in the NFL, teams have placed more demands on players’ time and efforts. From March to July players are involved in “voluntary” workouts and meetings at the team’s facility. Don’t for a minute think that this is voluntary. Only the most secure of veterans, of which there are far and few between, challenge that premise. Since veteran players and most draft choices are now learning the system before camp and are getting in great physical shape due to the advancements in knowledge and efforts of training procedures, then what is camp for? That’s a good question and the answer is based on “well that’s how we’ve always done it.” It used to be that every team would go to a college campus and make that their team building experience. Now half of the teams stay at home at their multi-million dollar facility that has everything needed to get ready for the season. Since there are three or four months of meetings of some kind, the playbook is basically learned and many repetitions are taken before camp starts. The players are in great shape when they report to camp so what is accomplished? Ok, Cowboy fans, your team will be in San Antonio for two weeks, Dallas for one week and then Oxnard for a few weeks. A lot of that is to sell t-shirts. The Cowboys are so popular that camp is a revenue producer. What about on the field? Mainly camp is to be used for refinement of the plays and to get used to wearing and using the pads. There are no more major scrimmages to see what we’ve got. One of the major objectives of camp is not to get anyone hurt--too valuable a commodity to lose in camp. Players who make the team? Because of all the work in the off season coaches and front office people pretty much know who is going to be on the team. There are 53 final spots and going to camp probably 50 are determined barring injury. There will be five pre-season games (really four but the Cowboys play the Hall of Fame game this year) and I fully expect in the near future there will be two pre-season games and 18 regular season games. Two-a-day practices are reduced dramatically from old days to preserve and prepare the players. QB’s: No new names will surface. RB’s: No new names will surface WR’s: Main focus will be development of Dez Bryant, how Williams does, as well as Crayton’s involvement. OL: There will be competition for the valuable backup spots of which no one will know there names or think vital. The interest will be in Doug Free’s development, which is very important. TE: No new names. DL: Nothing new. LB: Interest will be in development of Backup LBs and on draft choice Lee. DB: Focus will be on Alan Ball’s production at safety K: This will be important as they try to determine if Buehler is a reliable FG kicker as well as an outstanding KO man. This may be as important as there is in camp. The problem being there will be very few opportunities in games to truly decide. So camp is upon us and there are a few items to touch up and refine. Watch for those aspects and hope for the main objective to be accomplished with no injuries. This is a good team and being healthy is a vital contributor to success. Coach Joe can be heard on KHYI 95.3 on Tuesday nights 7-9pm and on ESPN radio. Come by and say hello at Hat Tricks Sports Bar and Grill in Lewisville--your home to great sports and great music.
by: Richard S. Pollak
“Spending the Super Bowl in hawaii”
The NFL brain trust has rejected the North Texas Super Bowl Host Committee’s proposal to allow upwards of 40,000 fans to party outside the Super Bowl at Cowboys Stadium by selling the infamous “Party Pass.” The NTSBHC was hoping to generate an additional $4 million dollars into their operating coffer with the organized tailgating plan. During the Dallas Cowboys regular season, Jerry Jones had set a league record for attendance by selling as many as 25,000 Party Passes at $40 each. Fans could attend a Cowboys game and possibly watch the game in the standing-room-only end zone sections, but with no guarantee that they would even get inside. The overflow still gladly partied outside in a Party Pass area complete with a screen to watch the game, bands, beer and, of course, $12 Cowboy-ritas. At the 2011 Super Bowl, the NTSBHC must construct 20,000 temporary stadium seats in those regular season open end zone areas. The NFL will allot approximately 5% of the 100,000+ Super Bowl tickets to the Dallas Cowboys as host team with an additional 17.5% to the NFC Representative (should the Cowboys play in the Super Bowl). Potentially, a total less than 25,000 local Dallas Cowboy football fans have a chance at seeing the game in person. I am sure that Super Bowl attendees who normally have access to the club from their ground level suites during the Cowboys game will not have the same access to the club which will be sold
separately for the Super Bowl to a corporate sponsor. During a regular season Cowboys game, the ground level suites include premium seating at the 50-yard line, plus the option to park in an exclusive underground parking lot for $300 per game. For the Super Bowl, those 50-yard-line seats and underground parking will also be sold separately from the ground level suites and not included in the package. Only 1,000 tickets are sold to the general public by a random drawing, but there will be many opportunities for Dallas fans to be a part of the Super Bowl action at the multi-media interactive NFL Experience Festival to be held at the Dallas Convention Center. The annual “Taste of the NFL” will take place in Ft. Worth at the Convention Center. If you want to be a part of this historic event, and not pay to attend the NFL Experience or Taste of the NFL, you can still be one of the 10,000 volunteers needed by the Host Committee. You will be able to catch a glimpse of the Super Bowl players by positioning yourself outside of their hotel and practice fields. The NFC Champions will be at the Omni Mandalay at Las Colinas and practicing at the Cowboy’s Valley Ranch facility. The AFC Champions will practice at TCU and their hotel will be the Omni Ft Worth. The Marriott in Solana and the Hilton Dallas/ Lakefront Rockwall are mysteriously “sold out” the weekend of the Super Bowl, according to a Dallas Hotel in- d u s t r y source. These hotels could be the unidentified sites for the Super Bowl teams to stay the night before the actual game. The best spot to see NFL past and present players will be the NFL Media Center at the Downtown Dallas Sheraton and the NFL Headquarters at the Hilton Anatole. I, however, will be skipping all this madness in favor of the Pro-Bowl in Hawaii. At least I can enjoy madness in paradise!
July 21 - 27, 2010 11
by: Geoff Case “Cowboy Fanatic”
The Biggest Dallas Cowboys Training Camp Battles
Alan Ball is a converted cornerback that was asked to fill in at safety for four games last year and impressed the Cowboys with his play. Hamlin is a second-year pro who played hard but battled through a wrist injury his rookie season. It doesn’t take a football guru to figure out who has the inside position. The Cowboys like Ball not just because he proved he can handle a position once held by Michael Hamlin, but because he proved last season he can actually play the position better than Hamlin. Ball’s strength is his range. He has the speed to go sideline to sideline which is a must in the way the NFL pass coverages have shifted in the last few years. Plus, he has cornerback skills, which means he can play the ball in the air, a major issue at this position a year ago. If Ball settles in, it would give the Cowboys more confidence to line up strong safety Gerald Sensabaugh close to the line of scrimmage which would help run support. Plus, it would free up the defensive mastermind in Coach Wade Phillips to be more creative with his coverages, with Phillips and secondary coach Dave Campo confident that Ball can
lock up a slot receiver in single coverage. Allen’s size (6’1, 190 pounds) is a cause for concern, but the toughness he showed as a member of the club’s special teams helped his cause last season. In fact, they like him so much they decided not to even take a look at the star safety O.J. Atogwe when the Rams made him an unrestricted free agent. Edge: Alan Ball
Jason Williams vs. Sean Lee Nickel Linebacker The Cowboys decided to make a change at nickel linebacker this season. The Bobby Carpenter experiment was officially labeled a failure when he was traded to St. Louis and the Cowboys will look elsewhere on the roster for their man. Second-year man Jason Williams, who is basically a rookie, will skirmish with Penn State’s Sean Lee for the job. He may not be as instinctual as Lee, but if Williams can reach a point where he is fully confident with his assignments on the field then he can turn the dogs loose. He would then be able to let his superior athleticism take over and he is unquestionably the most athletic linebacker at the position. Lee is a different type of player than Williams and breaking down the differences reveals a few things. His athleticism will reveal itself but it won’t blow you away like Williams in terms of
speed or explosion off the ball. The biggest attribute that Sean Lee has are all the intangibles that reveal themselves when he’s always in the right position and making the tackle. The word around the Cowboys is that Lee is intelligent, hard-working and a great leader. He doesn’t have the flash or potential that Williams may posess, but his reliability will be a big factor in who wins this spot. Edge: Sean Lee This one could go either way, but his intellectual game is all there right now.
Dez Bryant vs. Roy Williams Wide Reciever This will play out over the entire season as opposed to just in training camp, but it will be interesting to see if Williams’ massive paycheck keeps forcing the Cowboys to put him on the field over the multi-talented Bryant. They both have the big bodies needed for a possession receiver but Bryant has electric speed to the stretch defense opposite Miles Austin. The general consensus around the team is that Roy Williams will bounce back this season and be productive, but how many snaps do they let Bryant sit if he doesn’t turn it around? Edge: Roy Williams
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Alan Ball vs. Michael Hamlin Free Safety
www.dennishambright.com
Dipped in grease. Thrown under the bus. Cannon fodder. Usually these aren’t things you want to be, do or have done to you. But if you’re a real man, they’re badges you’ll proudly wear when the need arises. Real men know sometimes you’ve got to dive in front of that proverbial bullet and take a shot for a buddy. And if that means your buddy’s woman will wish you ill will for the rest of your life and speak your name with venomous disdain, then brother, so be it. That’s what real men do. I refer to real men when exploring this social anomaly because I’m certain we’re the only living creatures who subscribe to such ultimate friendship devotion. Have you ever seen a woman stand up in a crowd and declare, “That’s right, I’m the one responsible for that horrific odor,” so her friend’s date won’t think he’s hitched his love wagon to a swamp donkey? Hell no! Women will trample and claw and stampede all over each other to save face, because that’s more important than saving a friend. I’ve been dipped in the grease so many times to save a buddy from domestic tragedy I’ve got permanent burns on the seat of my pants, and know there are certain women I dare not be around without wearing a helmet and athletic cup. But that’s all right. That’s what real buddies do. Here are a few examples of how real men take shots for real buddies:
Photo Courtesy: lukeisback.com, Louise Docker, David Ball
Stick to the Story: Every man has ‘rat hole’ money he’s stashed away so he can buy those “unreported & undeclared” things he knows his wife will disapprove of. Understanding that women can be more tenacious than an obese IRS agent with chronic acne and no hope of a having a date until Obama coughs up his real birth certificate, real buddies always have backup stories to explain where the purchases came from. When a man gets caught with the goods, his story might be, “My buddy bought two of these off some guy in an alley, and gave me one.” If you’re a real buddy, when she calls, and she probably will, ALWAYS stick to the story… no matter how ridiculous it might be.
Be Proudly Immoral: You’re sitting in the coffee shop and your buddy’s woman comes stomping in with a ragged cardboard box full of Japanese porn, used sex toys and some leather apparatus that looks like it belongs in a circus monkey show, and flops the box right down in front of you and gives you “the glare.” Your immediate, unflinching response should be something like, “Hey, I told him to keep that in his trunk until my mother-inlaw goes back home.” Sure, she’ll think you’re the scumof-the-earth for as long as you live, but your buddy will breathe a sigh of relief because you dove on the grenade for him.
Why Do Marriages
by: Dennis Hambright
Side of the Road Savior: If your buddy comes home at some ungodly late hour and his woman is waiting to whack him with a dried-out chicken leg that was juicy and ready to eat nine hours ago, he should be able to say, “Wait a minute, I had to drive two hundred miles to help my buddy because his car broke down…and there wasn’t any cell phone service way out there.” When you get the call, you always back up a buddy’s story, even if you get the reputation of being so poor that you can only afford to drive a clunker and buy your stuff from guys in the alley.
by: Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective”
Fail?
Call me jaded and bitter, but I hate weddings, all the happiness being flaunted in front of me, the bride and groom strutting around like peacocks. Thank God for the open bar. If I get drunk enough, I might either start a fight or start thinking that marriage is a good idea. And it’s not just about love, thanks to every other movie having the character’s happiness and social status at the mercy of an upcoming wedding. But the excitement of the bride and groom is kind of cute, especially their naive, unrestrained hope that things will work out beautifully. Half of all marriages will end in divorce, so the joke’s on them. But the joke’s on me too, because of the 35 to 45 percent of marriages that do work out, the couples live longer and healthier lives, are better off financially, have a greater overall life satisfaction, and—this is the one that hurts the most—have more frequent and satisfying sex. Okay, well good for them and their happily ever after. While they’re busy riding off into the sunset, I want to know what happened with the other 50 percent of marriages that failed. Reason 1: People are much more selfish than they used to be. Happiness used to be based on community, but now it’s based on the individual. You know that self-help cliche, “You have to love yourself first before you love anyone?” Well, it really means, “I love you but I love me more.” Which means, when things get tough, when there are bumps in the road, it’s time to ride off solo into the sunset. Your needs are more important, above everything else. Plus, Americans are a lazy bunch and marriages are sometimes just too much work, which results in the blame game, instead of toughing it out and taking responsibility. Reason 2: We have become sluts. Marriage counselors report that 90 percent of their clients are sitting on their couch because of infidelity. But why do so many of us cheat? That’s a good question. You know those cute animals that supposedly mate for life, like the hippo? Well, it turns out that researchers have discovered that every once in awhile, they go off and cheat too. Reason 3: The seven year itch is no superstition, but based on scientific fact. Every seven years every cell in our body has been replaced, so we are not the same person on a molecular level, which means our minds have changed as well. I know of several couples, including my own relationship, that ended after seven years. I can name a few famous ones: Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston, Sam Mendes/Kate Winslet, to name a few. Still don’t believe me? The average marriage lasts 7.2 years. We should start calling it the seven year split. Marriage, like life, is an adventure, full of ups and downs. Even though the road might get bumpy, you still would go for it, wouldn’t you? Besides, if your beautiful newlywed turns into a 300-pound couch potato, getting a divorce isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you. We all have to take risks in life. Just make sure that the plus outweighs the minus.
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TAKE A SHOT FOR A BUDDY
July 21 - 27, 2010 13
by: Jayson Larson
“Man On The Inside”
T
here are few things on the planet that I enjoy more than a good sports bar on a night when there are multiple sporting events going on. Oftentimes in the DFW Metroplex, I find myself running into the trouble of finding the right one. There always seems to be an issue between finding a place with good food, good service, a cool atmosphere and enough TVs that not every single one is concentrated on a local team. Don’t misunderstand me, I always cheer for my hometown Cowboys, Rangers, Mavericks, Vigilantes and Stars, but believe it or not, some nights will feature sexier match-ups around the country and it’s nice to be able to watch everything. Enter Boomer Jack’s Grill & Bar in Bedford. It is located just south of 183 in a strip shopping center off Central Dr. in the spot formerly occupied by a Buffalo Wild Wings (which relocated across the highway). It’s a great central location if my buddies from Dallas want to meet up and not come all the way to my condo in west Fort Worth. Their food is outstanding. I tend to order the Cowtown Steak Fingers, which transports me back to my days as a kid when I would get steak fingers at Dairy Queen. Only these steak fingers are far and away better than the ol’ DQ. The staff is very friendly, attentive, and (oh by the way) extremely
BOOMER JACK’S GRILL & BAR
2300 W. AIRPORT FRWY STE 222 • BEDFORD (817) 267-0267 • BOOMERJACK.COM attractive. If Bone Daddy’s had a day where they let their servers wear regular clothes, it would probably look a lot like Boomer Jack’s. My favorite aspect of the place is its huge patio that has plenty of seating and usually offers a really good people-watching scene. Did someone say TVs? There are 68 crisp flatscreens for your sports viewing, thereby allowing them to display pretty much any game you would like to view. And let’s not forget their amazing drink specials. They offer Happy Hour ALL day, EVERY day featuring $2 Domestic Pints, $3 Wells and a $5 House Rita. I especially enjoy their early week deals! Mondays offer $2 U CALL IT (Crown and Down). Tuesdays have $2 U CALL IT (Crown and Down) and 49 cent wings. There is another Boomer Jack’s Grill and Bar located in Montgomery Plaza, just outside of downtown Fort Worth on West 7th. An additional Boomer Jack’s is in the works to be located in Lincoln Square near Cowboys Stadium and Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. It should be open this fall.
Photo Courtesy: Boomer Jack’s Grill & Bar
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14 July 21 - 27, 2010
July 21 - 27, 2010 15
Photo Courtesy: www.volvocars.com
by: David Goodspeed “A Heavy Foot and High Opinion”
One does not normally associate the threeletter expression of excitement and surprise with a Volvo vehicle, but the C70 hardtop convertible coupe is changing all that. Reintroduced a few years back and refreshed last year, the latest C70 is built on a smaller platform than its predecessor, sharing the global Ford/Mazda/Volvo small car underpinnings found in the Mazda3, European Focus and Volvo S40 and V50. This is my favorite compact platform and I enjoy the smooth, sporty driving experience it offers. This same experience carries over to the new C70 and now you can have the added benefit of a convertible model while still riding on a foundation of solid support. Engineers chose to utilize a power folding hardtop design for the Volvo allowing the vehicle to exhibit coupe-like qualities with the top in place (more wow). In about 30 seconds, the top neatly folds into a storage space in the trunk compartment. Yes, this does eat into cargo capacity but a movable divider will allow the use of the additional space when the top is up. Owners get the best of both worlds here.
Under the hood of the C70 is Volvo’s turbocharged inline five-cylinder T5 powerplant backed by their smooth Geartronic five-speed automatic transmission with manual shift mode. Power in the C70 is rated at 227 horses and 236 lb. ft. of torque driving the front wheels. The C70 rides (standard) on 17-inch alloy wheels shod with V-rated all-season tires and in pure Volvo tradition comes standard with such safety features as dynamic stability traction control, rollover protection system with pop-up rear roll bars, four-wheel disc brakes with ABS, electronic brakeforce distribution and emergency brake assist and a full assortment of airbags, including door-mounted inflatable curtain side impact units. Safety and security for items stored in the C70 was also priority for designers with self-closing and lockable storage bins at all four seating positions. And speaking of seating positions, consideration was given to the amount of space allocated to rear occupants. The new Volvo C70 affords some of the best rear seat space in a convertible on the market today (again, wow) and of-
fers power slide function of the front seats for easier ins and outs by rear passengers. Volvo has come up with a new material for the seats that they call Haverdal Flextech, which is combined with leather seat inserts in the C70 for comfortable, luxurious and sturdy seating surfaces. The center dash control panel is a slim design with storage space between it and the main body of the dash, which my girlfriend found very convenient to store her purse in. The new C70 comes with all of the creature comforts one would expect in a European automobile but the one that truly stood out to me, an old audiophile-head, is the 910-watt audio system featuring Dynaudio speakers (big wow). This car rocks, both literally and figuratively. Fuel economy was modest in the C70 at 19 mpg city and 28 mpg highway. Pricing begins at nearly 40 grand with our tester coming in at $45,850 thanks to multimedia, dynamic and climate package upgrades. Wow again, but you figure out which way.
Water Walking Ball
Perform your own Wayne Coyne-like stunts or just live out your own messianic daydreams inside the Water Walking Ball. Made from TPU, this ultra-clear ball keeps you in and the water out using a waterproof, air-tight zipper, giving you peace of mind that you’re sure to suffocate and die should you fall asleep inside and drift out to sea. Price - $500
Nike Pure Grip Basketball
Playing basketball outdoors is one of the highlights of summer time, but playing outside also means dealing with dirt, which inevitably finds its way onto the ball and the players’ hands, resulting in less grip and dirty Gatorade bottles. The Nike Pure Grip Basketball was developed specifically to maximize grip and minimize dirt, with an anti-static, ionized synthetic leather surface and a unique pebble pattern that repels dirt. What you do with that extra grip is up to you. Price - $35
Fingerist
Addicted to your iOS virtual instrument apps? Then the Fingerist is for you. This unique accessory is kinda-sorta shaped like a guitar, and features a built-in speaker, guitar-style volume knob, a fold-out Dock connector, a fullsize line out for connection to a guitar amp, an included guitar strap, and up to six hours of playtime from three AA batteries. Finding a group of buddies willing to jam out with such a Fingerist-wielding dork may be difficult, however. Price - $150
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A Volvo with wow factor and, Dare I Say It, sex appeal?
By: Sybil Summers
sybilsummers.com
Worst Celebrity Meltdowns 10. Kanye West - It started at the MTV Awards 2007 when he unleashed an f-bomb tirade about being “robbed” of his award. It resurfaced at the MTV Awards 2009 when he hijacked Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. 2011 is right around the corner. What’s next? 9. Lily Tomlin - I Heart Huckabees turned into I Hate Huckabees. 8. Michael Richards Kramer’s repeated use of the n-word at a comedy show quickly became more well known than his signature entrance. 7. Alec Baldwin - If only his character on 30 Rock was this interesting... 6. Bill O’Reilly - In a Kasey Kasemesque moment, O’Reilly flips out on his producer--unknowingly caught on tape. 5. Christian Bale - Yet another bigshot busted for screaming at his crew. 4. David Hasselhoff - Totally sauced and fighting a cheeseburger while his teenage daughter chastises him for drinking. Best. Video. Ever? 3. Anne Heche - What do you get when you mix Kooky with Ecstacy? A naked goddess named Celestia who offers to take you away on her spaceship. 2. Mel Gibson - Just years after drunk Mel gets arrested and spews antiSemitic slurs, he brings us more crazy deliciousness in the form of voicemails to his exgirlfriend. 1. Britney Spears - If you thought an impromptu ocean swim in bra and panties was crazy, wait’ll you see the part where she shaves her head! Oh, wait...
HORRORSCOPES Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. You will continually fail. You’re a prick.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22) You’re the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert. Your ideal sexual partner is a Golden Retriever puppy wearing fishnet tights.
FUNNIES
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered prick and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.
Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? A: Siamese twins.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Q: Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: Prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. Q: What do girls and rocks have in common? A: Everyone skips the flat ones. Q: What’s the most successful pickup line ever? A: “Does this smell like chloroform?” Going to the Club Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That’s when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asked the boy, “What’s wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!” The little boy replied, “My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I’d turn to stone...and all of a sudden, I felt something hard!”
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JOKES
July 21 - 27, 2010 17
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) ACROSS: 1. Common people 6. Wearied 11. A painkiller (abbrev.) 14. Farewell 15. Bad treatment 16. Smack 17. Divisions 19. Bigheadedness 20. American actor Clark _____ 21. Author Mark _____ 23. Freshwater clam 27. Headgear for a horse 28. Intervention 32. Ramble 33. Waste time 34. Prattle 37. Fastens 38. Competitor 39. Not Papa 40. A type of evergreen shrub 41. Claw 42. Deadly 43. However 45. Globe 48. A city in the Ukraine 49. Ply 50. Robbed
53. Gorilla 54. Alleviating fever 60. Two short of a dozen 61. Determine the number of 62. Palm cockatoo 63. Earned Run Average 64. Gray sea eagles 65. A pariah DOWN: 1. Something that is temporarily popular 2. Poetic tribute 3. Back talk 4. New Zealand parrot 5. A medical operation 6. Doorpost 7. Cain’s brother 8. A ridge of sand 9. Estimate (abbrev.) 10. Demolish 11. Not behind 12. A seal 13. Do penance 18. After-bath powder 22. Be victorious 23. Foggy 24. Unfasten 25. Scatter
26. The Caribbean and Adriatic, for example 27. Tab 29. Ancient Roman magistrate 30. Enjoy 31. Incline 34. Movable fence barriers 35. Accumulate 36. A very light wood 38. Praise enthusiastically 39. He’s a guy 41. Patio 42. National 43. Born 44. Sacred 45. Formerly, a writing tablet 46. What we write on 47. A doglike nocturnal mammal 50. Bowl over 51. Prong 52. Chooses 55. Neither ___ 56. Before 57. Faucet 58. Anger 59. Automobile
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You are the forgiving type and you don’t bear grudges. This makes you an a$$hole. For your entire life, people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you’re prone to bs and you’re a cheap bastard. You like reading “free” newspapers.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20) You have a businesslike attitude on life and a knack for making money. You’re an unscrupulous bastard who would sell a relative’s limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) You are a neurotic schizophrenic. A real friggin’ weirdo, the type of person who’d kill himself to win a bet.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20) Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you’re bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 21) You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Most people hate you but you couldn’t care less. You’re the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding.
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18 July 21 - 27, 2010 by: Pat Moran
Is There Anything Better Than Summer?
Since you first started grade school, summer was a thing that was cherished and looked forward to all year long. You freaking yearned for it; for a chance to do nothing but adventure and play... It was the best. Things have sure changed since we were kids, what with work or school or whatever responsibilities that you have, but the basics are there: sun, relaxation and endless possibilities. Well, not exactly endless, but you get the point. What better way to celebrate summer than a barbeque? It’s the American classic. But there are things that stand in the way of enjoying the summer classic, mainly endless amounts of small talk with people you don’t know and honestly, don’t really want to know. From spouses of friends to vaguely distant relatives, there are boring or annoying people who will try to spoil your barbeque experience. Well, I say that is not right. You have every right to enjoy the crap out of your summer. So here are a few ways to get out of annoying small talk situations that might crop up.
“Man on His Throne” - pmoran@gmail.com
1. Lie – The conversation is sucking the air out of the room. Nothing to talk about, nothing to say... But you feel like you are stuck there. You know what you should do? Lie. Odds are that you aren’t really ever going to see this person again, so you really don’t have anything to lose. Might as well entertain yourself... Try making up a story about a fake run in with a celebrity who turned out to be an a$$hole or how you played independent league baseball. Have fun. 2. The Fake Out – Can’t get out of an awkward mind numbing conversation? Then you need the fake out. Go with a simple “Hey, can you hold on a sec? I think I heard the phone ringing.” It gives you enough time to duck out and the mindless fool will have to find someone else to ruin their time. You can also use a simple bathroom break, beer run or fake cell phone call to work as well. 3. When In Doubt, Freak ‘Em Out – At the end of your rope with no signs of freedom? Ready for a last ditch effort? While the other person is in the middle of some ridiculous rant about their job or some sort of thing their kids did, just randomly say things that would freak them out (only mildly, so that they leave you alone), like, “You have really big eyes. Like a bug.” or “You know what tastes pretty good? Spoiled milk. Good for the skin.” or even a simple “Hey, I just totally farted. Your turn!” should make them give you enough time to grab another beer and sail off into a decent summer.
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