Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

VOL. 2 - ISSUE 51

Andrew J. Hewett

BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: Paper Tongues Hit The Scene 5 Rangers/AirHogs News 6 The Greatness That Is Emmitt Smith 7 Great Texas Ranger Pitchers 8 COVER STORY: Guide to Sports Bars Our Favorite Venues 9-11 BLITZ BABE: Julia 12 Health & Fitness 13 Food Review: Javier’s 14 Blitz Toys 15 The Fan Top Ten 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Can The Rangers Do It? 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jennifer Wayne CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Kent Gilley, Tim Gravens, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Keith Allison, Rich Anderson, Andrew Bardwell, Brad Barton, The Bum, Andrew Gray, Chelsea Kennedy, Shannon E. Renfroe, Phil Stanziola, John Trainor, Ignis STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Eric Kendall, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Craig Smith, Jennifer Wayne and Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Adam Bruster, The Bum, Cassie R. Cullins, Andrew J. Hewett, Jason Miller, H. Todd J. Moore ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I only drink on two occasions - When I am thirsty and when I’m not thirsty.” -- Brendan Behan

www.chewednews.com

HE TRIED TO “CLEAN UP HIS ACT” THE HARD WAY

Man Sentenced for Faking Seizures

A Baltimore man has been sentenced to a year and a half in jail for faking seizures to get out of paying restaurant bills. City prosecutors said 43-year-old Andrew Palmer pleaded guilty last week to one count of theft scheme, and a judge agreed to impose an 18-month sentence--the maximum Palmer could have received. Prosecutors said Palmer ate and drank at several restaurants between April and July, and when he couldn’t pay, he would feign a seizure that required medical personnel to respond. The maximum penalty for each individual offense was 90 days in jail because the value of each meal was less than $100. Court records show Palmer has a long criminal record that includes 40 convictions for theft and dozens more arrests.

Drunken Man Marks Prison Release with Crash

Police said a man who had been drinking alcohol to celebrate his release from prison crashed his bicycle into a railroad crossing gate in northwestern Indiana. The engineer on a South Shore commuter line train saw the 49-yearold man ride into the crossing gate and fall from the bike last Monday evening. The train stopped to check on the man, who was on the ground next to the tracks in Hammond. Police said the man was drunk and that he told officers he had been trying to beat the train but didn’t know how he wound up on the ground. The man’s brother told police that he had been drinking all day after his release from prison.

Men Stopped from Parachuting Off Cell Tower

Police said two men climbed a central Indiana cell phone tower with plans to parachute from it before they were stopped by a sheriff’s deputy. The Johnson County Sheriff’s Department said the two men were spotted going over the fence surrounding the tower last Sunday night and then started to scale it. Police were called to the site near Bargersville, and the men climbed down after a deputy shone a spotlight on them. Both men were wearing parachutes and told the deputy that they had planned to jump from the tower. The men, ages 26 and 32, were arrested on preliminary misdemeanor trespassing charges.

On August 5, 2010, police in Edinburg, Texas, arrested 18-year-old Joel de la Rosa on charges of drug possession and evading arrest. After three hours in his cell, though, de la Rosa decided that was enough. What he did next was soak a roll of toilet paper in water… before stuffing it down his throat until he choked to death.

SO THAT’S WHAT CAUSES ALL THAT WIND

Nebraska’s Uncle Joe Cannon was Speaker of the House in 1904. He loved bean soup, so one day in the House restaurant, when they had no bean soup, he rose to his feet and bellowed, “From now on....hot or cold....rain or snow or shine....I want bean soup on this menu each day!” Since that day, bean soup is always served. In fact, in 1907, the Senate menu added the same.

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

Paolo Veronese, the great Venetian master, once aroused the ire of the clergy when he painted clowns, dwarfs, drunks, and shady ladies into his version of “Our Lord’s Last Supper.” To escape severe punishment, he simply changed the name of his painting to, “Banquet in the House of Levi.” Today, it hangs in the Academy of Venice.

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with T.I.

by: Vivian Fullerlove “Entertainment’s Real Critic”

Hundreds of fans showed up at the AMC Valley View Mall location last week to get a glimpse of “The King of the South,” hiphop artist turned actor, Tip “T.I.” Harris, who was in town for a red carpet screening of his new movie Takers. The film stars just about every hunk in Hollywood and has one of the best opening action sequences I’ve seen in a long, long time. Paul Walker, Hayden Christensen, Michael Ealy, Chris Brown, Matt Dillon and Idris Elba, star alongside T.I. in this action crime drama about a group of bank robbers whose $20 million dollar heist is foiled by an insider and a detective determined to bring them down. I sat down with T.I. to talk about his new film and where his career is taking him.

Was acting always part of your overall vision for your self as an entertainer?

I read the script, and I was instantly intrigued and pulled into the story. There were so many different dynamics and such a diverse set of individuals. You wouldn’t necessarily see this group of guys just hanging together at any bar or any club; so, you know that there’s something huge that brought these different guys from different nationalities and different walks of life together. You assume they have to be up to something pretty big because they don’t seem like they’d just organically click. And on top of that my character was interesting and it challenged me.

I would just like for people to appreciate my work. For people to know that I put 100% of myself into all of my work. I didn’t half-ass once. Everything that I connected my brand to, my face and my name to that I was sincerely supportive of it.

I knew it was something that I had the potential to do, but I did not pursue it. The first opportunity I got to be in a film, they called my manager and asked me to come and read for a part in a film called Barbershop. I went and read for it, and they loved me, but it was between me and another guy (ironically that other guy was his Takers co-star Michael Ealy who ultimately landed the role in the film) After that, that’s when I said, “Cool, I want to do that.”

When it’s all said and done, and you look back on your career, what do you want How did you get involved with your legacy and contribution to be in the entertainment this movie? The script was presented to me in 2007. industry?

Takers opens nationwide on August 27th. The film is rated PG-13 for intense scenes of action, some violence and language. See more of T.I. on my show Reel Critics along with more of your favorite celebs on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas programming tab!

by: H. Todd J. Moore “Freelance Hubrist”

The Expendables

The box-office take of The Expendables action film with a screen filled with explosions is expected to help Lions Gate fend off a and inarticulate grunting and growling during hostile takeover, taking in over $35 million muscle-bound, largely meaningless violence, this past weekend.. With a big name cast and with bad acting and a plot written by a blind a pyrotechnic budget nearing the military person shaking a pencil at paper. What I got bill of Ecuador, The Expendables creates an was a lot of what I expected. Jason Statham, atmosphere of mindless action, explosions, of course, delivered finesse and impact. and everything else you’d expect from a Terry Crews’ character “Hale Caesar” pulled Sylvester Stallone movie from the 1980’s. audience laughter walking through the wetscape, you know, the cannon fodder, with And that’s OK. The cast has Sylvester Stallone as his auto-assault shotgun. The female roles “Barney Ross,” the leader, because he just had were damsels in distress. Lacy (Carpenter), who Buffy/Angel to be. Jason Statham as “...The Expendables creates fans will remember “Lee Christmas,” who, I have to admit, really an atmosphere of mindless as Cordelia Chase, was Jason Statham’s is pretty cool. Jet Li action, explosions, and damsel. Lacy’s new as “Yin Yang” who gets beat up by Dolph everything else you’d expect...” boyfriend gave Lacy a black eye, so Lee Lundgren and kills bad guys. Dolph Lundgren as “Gunner Jensen” helps Lacy’s new boyfriend find his Inner who betrays the group, beats up Yin Yang, but Hurt. Even Sandra, who bravely refuses to gets invited back to the clubhouse in the end. be rescued early on, definitely needs rescuing Because you don’t want to disrespect Dolph later. There are moments worth the price Lundgren. Giselle Itié as “Sandra,” daughter of General Garza and damsel in distress. of admission such as: The Mickey Rourke Eric Roberts as “James Munroe,” the evil scenes. Statham hurting people. Charisma CIA renegade controlling a banana republic. Carpenter. Explosions. The cameo with Mr. See? I told you about the plot. “Stone Cold” Church (Bruce Willis) and Trench (Arnold Steve Austin as “Paine,” a bad guy who gets Schwarzenegger). You will like this movie if you liked to beat up Sylvester Stallone before dying. David Zayas as “General Garza,” Munroe’s Stallone in all of the Rambo movies. You pawn. Garza is the bad guy you almost feel liked Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan the sorry for. Charisma Carpenter as “Lacy,” Barbarian, Terminator, Predator, Commando, playing Statham’s girlfriend. Mickey Rourke and Raw Deal. Even though he only has a as “Tool,” a retired “Expendable,” who holds cameo, The Expendables just feels like an down the clubhouse, err, tattoo parlor. Rourke “Ahnold” movie. You liked Bruce Willis in the does most of the actual acting work, so if you Die Hard movies. Jason Statham in Crank(s), like that sort of thing, look for his scenes. Transporter(s), Death Race, and The Bank Randy Couture, an MMA pro, as “Toll Road,” Job. Or because you need some inarticulate, meaningless violence because television just who has an almost-funny story about his ear. What I expected to see was a large-budget isn’t delivering.

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by: Jason Miller “Music Enthusiast”

3. Ride To California

Paper Tongues – Paper Tongues

4. Get Higher

5. What If

Photo Courtesy: Octone Records

he band Paper Tongues are going to be superstars. That’s a bold statement to open up with, but I have no doubt that it will soon become fact. This seven piece electro rock band from Charlotte, North Carolina has created a juggernaut of a debut album. Their self-titled release is a genre bending ten song opus that effortlessly fuses together hip-hop beats and rock ‘n roll melodies into an instantly likeable new favorite album. Their song “Soul” was posted on the band’s MySpace account four years ago. “MySpace is the reason that Paper Tongues exists today and how we got signed,” says lead vocalist Aswan North. A chance encounter with superstar producer and American Idol judge Randy Jackson would change everything. Aswan wrote down his band’s MySpace music address and handed it to Jackson at a trendy LA restaurant. Jackson called the band two weeks later raving about the music. He began coaching them and to this day is the band’s manager chatting with them on a daily basis. Aswan explains where the band’s sound originated. “If you listen to our record, every song is coming at you from a whole different angle; it’s a very different record. There are seven of us in the band, so there’s all these different vibes, lifestyles and different genres influencing the record.” Aswan is an extremely energetic and outspoken singer but very humble at the same time. “We were in a small town in the Midwest and heard ‘Ride to California’ between Nirvana and Metallica. I’m not sure we belong there, but we were very thankful and grateful.” He goes on to tell me about how he discovered legendary arena rock band Journey a bit late. “I was raised on country, hip-hop and R&B; I did not get to hear Journey until around 2001 and then could not stop listening to it.” Missing out on the sounds of Steve Perry

Paper Tongues – Paper Tongues

6. Soul

Paper Tongues – Paper Tongues

7. Everybody

Paper Tongues – Paper Tongues

8. Strongest Flame

Paper Tongues – Paper Tongues

9. Rich and Poor

Paper Tongues – Paper Tongues

10. Love Like You

and crew is looking like a positive thing for Aswan. His vocal abilities are tremendous as he justifiably transitions from AC/DC like rock screams to smooth vocal croons. He almost makes it a one man show but then his six band members put together a wall of sound that back his versatility perfectly. Standout tracks on the album are “Soul,” “Get Higher,” “Trinity” and the infectious and electrifying “Ride To California.” “Ride” is the kind of song you hear one time and immediately hit repeat. A song that resonates and will surely fire up the charts as a perfect end of summer anthem. When asked about the band’s favorite show so far this year, guitarist Devin Forbes responds, “We played with Muse at the Hard Rock in Vegas (along with Cage The Elephant). I always tell people if there is any one show that sticks out as the favorite, it was the be all end all of shows for me, amazing.” So what’s on the horizon for the band? A Remix of “Ride to California” from Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.I.Am. and 18 more months of touring. As for the next album, “We have 15 songs ready for record two and 8 songs ready for record three” Aswan excitedly announces. Check them out at papertongues.ning.com and www.myspace. com/papertongues.

Paper Tongues – Paper Tongues

Absinthe Lounge—Dallas This is a more interactive type of karaoke with props and contests. Plus, they have $2 draws, $3 wells, $4 calls and $5 martinis from 4-9 p.m. if you need to get sauced up to sing.

Thur 8/19 The Ruby Revue Burlesque Show

Paper Tongues – Paper Tongues

House of Blues—Dallas The Ruby Revue Burlesque Show presents the Michael Jackson Tribute Show in the Cambridge Room at 9 p.m.

Fri 8/20 One Night with Elvis

Irving Arts Center Donny Edwards is the most sought out Elvis tribute artist in the world. Recently, he was a finalist on ABC’s “The Next Best Thing.” Donny will take you through the early years and Elvis’ Las Vegas era! Opening the show will be Sundance Head, a 2007 finalist on American Idol, at 7 p.m.

Sat 8/21 SonsStock 2010

2. For The People

Wed 8/18 Trainwreck Karaoke

Sons of Hermann Hall—Deep Ellum A gathering of musicians and artists who will play acoustic music and sell arts & crafts for the benefit of the Sons of Hermann Hall Lodge 66. Acoustic music will be played throughout the day in various locations in the building around the electric campfires. Sale Items to include the art work of SOH members, rare records, posters, signs, tie-dye goods, woodwork, pottery, paintings, prints and more.

Sun 8/22 Carnival of Madness Tour

Paper Tongues – Paper Tongues

Verizon Theater—Grand Prarie The show starts at 5 p.m. For more info, call (972) 854-5111.

Mon 8/23 The Art of Disguise

Dallas Museum of Art This exhibition, with approximately fifty objects from the Museum’s collections and on loan from local collectors, will reveal the function, meaning and aesthetics of African masks.

Tue 8/24 Wonderland Adventure

MUSIC: Paper Tongues 1. Trinity

Gaylord Texan—Grapevine The unique artwork, created by a group of individual artists in a variety of media, includes the Hatter’s Mad Tea Party in sand, the Cheshire Cat in flowers, a 256-sq-ft chess set in teak wood, the Gryphon in balloons, the Snap-Dragon Flies in mixed metals, the Flamingo and the White Rabbit in topiaries and the Caterpillar in high density EPS foam.

If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com

Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison

Rangers on a Roll

by: Craig Smith

“Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

The first place Texas Rangers keep on rolling a stolen base. He will be hard to beat for the on their way to the playoffs. As of Tuesday American League MVP. morning, they have an eight game lead over The Chuck Greenberg-Nolan Ryan the second place Angels. The home crowd ownership wasted no time this last week was big as they had a sellout three games in making the ballpark atmosphere a better in a row for the first time since 2004. Last one for the fans. They slashed prices for week, they played five games against the the remainder of the year. Parking went hated Yankees and from $12 to $10, many Red Sox and won concession prices dropped, three of them. David bottled beer from $7 to $6, Murphy had a big 22 oz souvenir beer went night last Tuesday and from $7.75 to $7 and hot was a big reason they chocolate (if ever needed) pulled out the win from $3 to $1. T-shirts over New York. In the will now be thrown out to fifth inning, he gunned all levels of the stadium, down Nick Swisher at the radio broadcast will be the plate, had a 2-run played on the concourses homer in the sixth, and new stuff will be “The Murph” was the reason Texas split the and had a gameadded to the video boards. series with New York last week winning single in the It feels great to finally tenth. Last Friday, Josh Hamilton may have have owners who care about the fans. This week starts out on the road against had the best game ever for a Ranger. Playing centerfield, he had a diving catch early in a tough Tampa Bay Ray team and then to the game and then in the sixth jumped at the Baltimore for a four game series. Last time fence to take away a Boston homer (#1 play we faced the Orioles, they swept us here in of the day on ESPN). He was 4 for 5 at the four games, but this is a more focused team plate, scored four times, had a home run and now.

AIRHOGS:News

by: Cassie R. Cullins AirHogs Media

10 Out, 10 Games To Go… The AirHogs may have slipped out of 5-3. It was a close game with the ‘Hogs playoff contention but nonetheless can jumping out to a 1-0 lead at the end of the tout several things about the 2010 season, first. That lead was extended in the fifth to including their three-almost-four-man 100 2-0 on Aaron Garza’s RBI double. The Cats Hit Club, which includes Greg Porter (122), stormed back by tying it up. The ‘Hogs David Espinosa (113), Antoin Gray (101), would retake the lead 4-3, but in the eighth and soon (hopefully), Ft. Worth managed to Robert Perry (91). Porter bring in two more runs. (.371) and Espinosa The top of the ninth (.356) have been steady allowed an insurance on the league leader run to cross the plate and board, currently batting Grand Prairie couldn’t 3rd and 4th in the recover. league, respectively. Saturday and The addition of former Sunday, the Cats really TCU coach Lance poured it on winning Brown as pitching coach both games and getting was another notable the sweep. Saturday Tacker leads the team in wins this season highlight of the season, they blanked the ‘Hogs and his development of the pitching squad 6-0 and on Sunday won convincingly 8has proved RHP Ryne Tacker among the 2. The AirHogs were off on Monday and league Top-10 pitchers with his 7-5 record, needed some rest. They play El Paso at and 81 strikeouts in 14 games started. home on the 18th and 19th before taking off Friday the 13th lived up to it’s moniker on their final road trip of the season. The as the AirHogs had their winning streak ‘Hogs play the Cats three more times in Ft. end against their cross town nemesis. The Worth on Friday and Saturday. Saturday is Ft. Worth Cats also ended their three game a double header. Then head off to Pensacola losing streak to Grand Prairie by winning to do battle with the first place Pelicans.

Photo Courtesy: Brad Barton

RANGERS:News

by: Craig Smith

The Greatness That IsEmmittSmith Emmitt Smith played in the NFL for 15 seasons. He was labeled as “too small” and “not fast enough” to play in the league. What he lacked in size, he more than made up for with heart and determination. The Dallas Cowboys selected him with the 17th pick in the first round. That means 16 teams passed on the future all-time leading rusher in league history. I can still remember his first press conference for Dallas after being drafted in 1990. He was wearing a hideous polka dot jumpsuit and didn’t look the least bit intimidating. I was a huge fan of his throughout his career. His jersey was the first one I ever owned and I still have it today (and it fits). Watching him and the Cowboys in the ‘90s was a special time. I was there the day he broke the rushing record and doubt I will ever see another sporting event in person as cool as the one I did that day. I can’t tell you how many arguments I had back in the day on who was the better running back: Emmitt Smith or Barry Sanders. The thing you don’t hear enough about in regards to Emmitt is how good of a person he is. He was just inducted into the Hall of Fame and his speech

is already being called one of the best of all time. His 22 (ironic number that matched his jersey number) minute speech was full of emotion and showed his passion for the game. He didn’t use any notes. He just spoke from the heart. I have to admit parts of his speech got me a little choked up. It was really cool to see a guy who I followed for his whole career finally make it to where he belongs. He spoke of how at the age of 20 he wrote down things he wanted to achieve. He wanted to graduate from college, play in a Super Bowl, win an MVP and to become the all-time rushing leader in the NFL. I guess that’s what you call setting your goals high. He is the last of the “Triplets” to become enshrined. The highlight of the night was when he asked Daryl Johnston to stand up. He could hardly get the words out as he broke out in tears as he expressed his gratitude for what “Moose” meant to his career. He is a class act on and off the field. I doubt his rushing title will ever be broken. Almost every team has moved to using two running backs. The days of the workhorse back seem to be coming to an end. Thanks for the memories, Emmitt.

MLB: Rangers vs. Orioles Fri. August 19 – 6:05PM Camden Yards – KTXA-21 The Rangers continue their road trip and will be in the middle of a four game series when they send Colby Lewis to face the Orioles. He is still trying for his tenth win of the season. The Orioles have been performing much better under new skipper Buck Showalter. The last time the two teams faced off, the Orioles swept the Rangers in four straight.

NASCAR: Irwin Tools Night Race Sat. August 21 – 6:30PM – Bristol Motor Speedway – ABC This is the race that the drivers covet as a testament of their driving skills. It’s a short track with some of the highest turns in racing. It’s the first race of the season that ABC will be airing in Prime Time. Kyle Busch won it last year. He’s the man to beat since he has won it three times over the last 10 races.

NFL: Cowboys vs. Chargers Sat. August 21 – 8PM – Qualcomm Stadium – KTVT The Cowboys head south from Oxnard for this one. It’s week three and they are playing their third preseason game. With a 1-1 record, everyone is looking for improvement. For the first teamers they have to find the end zone and Tony Romo needs to find his groove. Chargers RB Ryan Mathews will give us a glimpse at the man who replaced LT.

MLB: Angels vs Twins Sun. August 22 – 7:00PM – Target Field – ESPN The Angels wrap up their series with the Twins and the game is of importance. The Angels are still trying to hang on to their post season goal and the Twins want to put some distance between them and the ChiSox. This game also provides a preview for the Rangers match up with the Twins the next night.

Photo Courtesy: Matt Pearce

Photo Courtesy: John Trainor

“Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

8 by: Frank LaCosta “Frozen Pizza”

Texas Rangers and Their Greatest Pitchers

The Texas Rangers have been known throughout their history as a team that carries a big stick and hits well. The offensive prowess of the team is well documented and their list of MVPs are well known. They’ve had five of them. Jeff Burroughs won it in 1974. Juan Gonzalez got a pair in 1996 and 1998. Pudge won it in 1999 and A-Rod took home the award in 2003. Baseball is touting that this is the year of the pitcher. Keeping that in mind, let’s look back at the greatest Texas Rangers pitchers and their accomplishments.

Gold Glove

Pitching Awards

Only one pitcher in Rangers lore has received the Gold Glove Award and that belongs to “The Gambler” Kenny Rogers. He won four of them for his on field mastery in 2000, 2002, 2004 and 2005.

Rolaids Relief Man of the Year

The Rangers have two recipients of this title. The first being Jim Kern in 1979. “The Great Emu” had a superb season with 13 wins, 29 saves, 1.57 ERA and 1.126 WHIP. We would have to wait another 10 years before Jeff Russell brought the title back. That season he won 6 games, had 38 saves, 1.98 ERA and 0.950 WHIP.

The Sporting News Comeback Player of the Year

In 1974, “Fergie” Jenkins won the award after being traded from the Chicago Cubs. In his first season with the Rangers, Jenkins started 41 games. He had 29 complete games and won 25 of them while pitching over 328 innings. Jose Guzman is the other recipient. He won the award in 1991. He started 25 games, won 13 of them while sporting a 1.32 ERA.

DHL Hometown Heroes

In 2006 MLB announced a list of players for each team and one would be selected as their team’s award winner. Fans were asked to vote for the most outstanding player in the history of each MLB franchise based on on-field performance, leadership quality and character value. Almost 17 million votes were cast. The Rangers nominees were Rusty Greer, Ivan Rodriguez, Jim Sundberg, Mark Teixeira and Nolan Ryan. Ryan was the Rangers winner. He also won it for the Astros, being the only player to win it for two teams.

1) Charlie Hough – 139 2) Kenny Rogers – 133 3) Bobby Witt – 104 4) Fergie Jenkins – 93 5) Kevin Brown – 78

Career Strikeouts – Top 5 1) Charlie Hough – 1452 2) Bobby Witt – 1405 3) Kenny Rogers – 1201 4) Nolan Ryan – 939 5) Fergie Jenkins – 895

Career Saves – Top 5 1) John Wetteland – 150 2) Jeff Russell – 134 3) Francisco Cordero – 117 4) Ron Kline – 83 5) Darold Knowles – 64

Career Complete Games – Top 5 1) Charlie Hough – 98 2) Fergie Jenkins – 90 3) Gaylord Perry – 55 4) Kevin Brown – 40 5) Joe Coleman – 36

All-time Leaders Career Shutouts – Top 5 1) Fergie Jenkins – 17 2) Gaylord Perry – 12 3) Bert Blyleven – 11 4) Charlie Hough – 11 5) Dick Bosman – 9

Perfect Game

Kenny Rogers Jul. 28, 1994 vs. California Angels

No-Hitter

Jim Bibby Jul. 30, 1973 vs. Oakland A’s Bert Blyleven Sept. 22, 1977 vs. California Angels Nolan Ryan Jun. 11, 1990 vs. Oakland A’s Nolan Ryan May 1, 1991 vs. Toronto Blue Jays Kenny Rogers Jul. 28, 1994 vs. California Angels

Photo Courtesy: Andrew Gray

Career Wins – Top 5

Addison Point

Buffalo Joe’s

The oldest bar in Addison is a classic with its fun filled atmosphere. With 12 well-placed TVs, there is always a good view. They also have the Sunday Ticket and College Game Plan. After the night’s games, feel free to partake in the Karaoke to keep the party going. On Sundays, enjoy $5 domestic pitchers and $2 wells. For the Monday night games, come in early for their $2 Half Pound Famous Point Burger and Fries from 4-10pm while sipping on $1 domestic drafts.

Located in North Dallas, Buffalo Joe’s is the only sports bar that we know that carries all the UFC fights and HBO Boxing. They also have all the sports packages you can think of. They have over 40 TVs and an amazing sound system. There is no better place in the area to catch a sporting event. They also have the hottest bartenders in town!

4578 Belt Line Road - Addison - 75001 (972) 661-2230 – addisonpointbar.net

Angry Dog

2726 Commerce Street - Dallas - 75226 (214) 741-4406 – angrydog.com

There is no better place in Deep Ellum to take in the game than the Angry Dog. They’ve been there since 1990 and deserve your business. We like the fact that local teams take priority and they have the NFL Ticket and College Game Plan. The Angry Dog has a semi-private area to accommodate 25 of your closest friends and over 100 different bottled beers. Get their Superhot Wings and catch the game!

3636 Frankford Road - Dallas - 75287 (214) 483-5225 – thebuffalojoes.com

Cape Buffalo

17727 Addison Road - Dallas - 75287 (972) 381-9796 – capebuffalogrille.net

The website describes the atmosphere to a tee: “The Cape Buffalo is also known as the water buffalo because during the day they tend to take things a little slower and rest in the ponds. At night it gets cooler, they come out to eat and play. During the day you will find us a great, slow, comfortable place to relax and enjoy. At night you will find we too are ready to play and provide you with all the excitement you desire.”

The Back 9 Sports Grill

4060 Belt Line Road - Addison - 75001 (214) 272-7028

Where can you get a taste of Southern rock and Southern hospitality with your sports? The Back 9. Co-owned by Pantera drummer Vinnie Paul, the walls are adorned with both Pantera and sports memorabilia. The staff is super friendly and will be glad to help you decide (because it is extremely tough to) between the healthy entrée you know you should order and the gigantor hamburger your stomach is begging for. Save room for the carrot cake, though.

Bobby V’s

4301 South Bowen Road - Arlington - 76016 (817) 467-9922 – bobbyvsports.com

This is more like a sports museum with a restaurant. Bobby V’s has one of the largest public collections of sports memorabilia in the DFW area. Plus, it’s the only restaurant in town where you can dine in a boxing ring. They are home to Iowa Hawkeyes game watching parties as well as for Denver Broncos fans.

Christies

2811 McKinney Avenue - Dallas - 75204 (214) 954-1511 – christiesportsbar.com

The “Cheers of Uptown” has been family owned and operated since 1991. Christies offers 38 HD TVs with three of them being 10 foot big screens. Their saying “If Christies doesn’t have it, nobody does!” is a testament that they are serious. Ole Miss and Vanderbilt fans call this their second home as do Texas and Kansas State fans. On Sundays, they have a huge following for the Lions, Packers and Vikings. Christies has every vodka known to man and they offer more than pub grub. Check out their new menu!

Duke’s Original Roadhouse

Hat Tricks Sports Bar & Grill

It’s where your friends are and you should be there too! They have several flat screen TVs throughout the dining room area and at the bar. Wherever you sit, you’ll be able to take in the game. Enjoy a “Tower of Power” which equals 104 ounces of your favorite brew. Plus, they have damn good food!

This is Coach Joe Avezzano’s place and that alone gets our seal of approval. The Coach has taken great measures to make sure that his sports bar is done right from the memorabilia to the drink specials. They are everything football and believe it or not, a popular destination for Raiders fans.

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4180 Belt Line Road - Addison - 75001 (972) 503-2337 – dukesoriginalroadhouse.com

101 E. Corporate Dr. - Lewisville - 75067 (972) 315-8406 – hattricksdallas.com

Heroes Sports Lounge

7402 Greenville Avenue - Dallas - 75231 214-750-6800

On a budget, but still want to go out and watch the game? When this place says cheap drinks, they mean it. On Thursdays, margaritas are just $2. Too good for the house margarita? Well, you can have Patron in yours for just $5. Oh and they have free appetizers until 11 p.m.

The Hideaway Frankie’s Sports Bar and Grill

3227 McKinney Avenue - Dallas - 75204 (214) 999-8932 – frankiesbar.com

Frankie’s Sports Bar and Grill has been described as “hip, but not snooty” by our friend’s at the Dallas Morning News. This upscale yet casual neighborhood hangout is a great place to catch most any sporting event. The 34 televisions (including two 10FOOT high definition TVs), with 20 Satellite receivers, ensure that virtually every game will be on. The state of the art Bose sound systems make this place unique from all the other sports bars.

FOX Sports Grill

5741 Legacy Road - Plano - 75024 (972) 312-1369 – foxsportsgrill.com

This is one swanky sports bar. If you have trouble getting your lady to agree to go with you to watch the game, this is a place you can both agree on. With its trendy lighting, plush seating and martini menus, your gal will swear you took her to a hip lounge rather than a sports grill.

Gators Mardi Gras Dallas

2720 N. Stemmons Fwy - Dallas - 75207 (214) 634-9669 – mardigrasdallas.com

With a name like Gators Mardi Gras, you know that they are all about New Orleans and Louisiana. They are the home to Saints, LSU Tigers and Ragin’ Cajuns fans all the time as well as the Dallas Cowboys. They serve up great Southern Cuisine and have the largest patio in Dallas. They also have a 30 foot outdoor patio screen and a 10 foot indoor screen. Mardi Gras in Dallas during football season? See for yourself.

14902 Preston Road - Dallas - 75254 (972) 661-1194

Dallas’ newest sports bar is conveniently located off of Preston and Belt Line and has plenty of TVs (over 20 of them) for your viewing pleasure. A great hangout for Texas, OU and SMU fans. Their friendly wait staff will make you feel right at home. They’ll even get the beer for you! Their game day specials include .50 wings all day on Saturdays and Sundays. They also have $2 domestic bottles all day on Saturdays, Sundays and on Monday nights after 7pm. Happy Hour is everyday from 11-7pm. Plus, they have a really nice smoke friendly patio that’s not to be missed.

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Lakewood’s 1st & 10

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One of the oldest sports bars in Dallas and a Blitz Weekly favorite, 1st and 10 is your sports headquarters. They are huge supporters of the Cowboys, Rangers, Mavericks, Stars, SMU Mustangs and Texas Longhorns. They always have the big game on and have great meals and appetizers for you to enjoy. Plus, this cool spot has been in a few movies.

6465 E. Mockingbird Ln. - Dallas - 75214 (214) 826-0110 - 1stand10dallas.com

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Logan’s

TimeOut Tavern

This sweet spot in Dallas is right off of the Tollway and Belt Line. The ambiance is great and with all of the TVs, you’ll be able to catch all of the action. It gets crowded at times so get there early for a table. Logan’s definitely has a college sports bar feel and that’s a good thing. Dallas Cowboys, Chicago Bears, Longhorns, Sooners and Red Raiders fans are known to make Logan’s their game watching destination. Their mixed drinks are priced affordably and the “tall beers” are 24 oz of greatness.

A great place for all of you armchair quarterbacks! Since 1998 TimeOut Tavern has been serving up a superb atmosphere for watching the game and getting to know the regulars. They have a pool table and shuffleboard. SMU fans call this their second home.

5290 Belt Line Road - Dallas - 75240 (972) 503-5603

Milo Butterfingers

5645 SMU Boulevard - Dallas - 75206 (214) 368-9212

Right down the street from Southern Methodist University, Milo’s is a hot spot for the college crowd. You’ll find billiards and darts in the back, but get there early as those activities get long lines as the evening matures. Amidst the neon glow and year-round Christmas lights, you’ll always find the televisions tuned to your favorite sporting event. It’s a laid back sports viewing atmosphere filled to the brim with cute co-eds.

National Sports Lounge

3606 Greenville Avenue - Dallas - 75206 (214) 887-9500 – infonsl.com

National Sports Lounge is your destination for sports. There are TVs (52 of them) everywhere…even in the restrooms! The wait staff is attentive and courteous and they wear cute little uniforms. They have a huge smoke friendly patio. Lots of beer on tap and the fully stocked bar rocks. Catch all the UFC fights here and on Wednesdays enjoy the $2 Crown & Downs!

Northwest Point

4578 Belt Line Road - Addison - 75001 (972) 661-2230 – nwpointdallas.com

Northwest Point opened its doors back in May 1985, so you’ll notice an older clientele of regulars and an “everyone knows your name” feel. Sometimes you just need to go to a place that’s as comfy as your own living room, but without the distractions of your dog/wife/girlfriend/children/roommate.

5101 West Lovers Lane - Dallas - 75029 (214) 956-9552

Point After North

601 Cross Timbers - Flower Mound - 75028 (972) 539-1717 – pointafternorth.com

The “Point After North” has been taking care of sports fans since 1984. They have 22 TVs that proudly show all of the games. Fans of the Steelers, Bears, Packers and Vikings are known to gather so get here early since the seats fill up fast. Texas and OU fans also frequent the bar. “The Point” serves up real bar food for real sports fans. Their wings are the largest around and the Point Burger lives on! They have 2010 Golden Tee, Big Buck Safari and Pool tables as well.

San Francisco Rose

3024 Greenville Avenue - Dallas - 75206 (214) 826-2020 – sanfranciscorose.com

Recognized a fine Lower Greenville neighborhood bar and grill, the San Francisco Rose has a tradition of satisfying the needs of their patrons since 1977. Hang out in the renovated “Thorn Room” and watch the game on their 10 foot projection screen. They have eight 50 inch HD plasmas and 30 TVs throughout the bar. They have the NFL Ticket and College Game Plan. They are also an official Texas Tech watching party location. Stay late for the karaoke! Good times!

The Wild Turkey

2470 Walnut Hill Lane - Dallas - 75229 (214) 351-5383 – thewildturkey.net

The Wild Turkey has been serving Dallas for quite some time. They have several TVs and some classic memorabilia on the walls. They show the UFC fights and have bar size pool tables and video games to boot. Affordable beer prices and a great happy hour make this a must. They have home cookin’, seafood specialties and fajitas!

Sports Page Grill

3300 Mockingbird Lane - Dallas - 75235 (214) 654-1021

This hidden gem is located adjacent to the Wyndham Dallas Love Field. They have twelve large flat screen TVs and a great sound system. Their Sports Page Platter is a must while watching the big game. Did we mention their fully stocked bar? Lots of import and domestic beer on tap. Loads of free parking and their patio is awesome, as well.

3rd Base Sports Bar & Grill

821 Six Flags Drive - Arlington - 76011 (817) 638-8720 – thirdbase-sportsbar.com

It’s hard to watch the thirty 42-inch HD LCD and 110-inch HD-projection TV with all of the gorgeous waitresses walking around! The Arlington location is just minutes away from Cowboys Stadium and Rangers Ballpark, so it’s a great place to get some affordable pre-game grub or catch the highlights after the game.

West End Pub

1801 N. Lamar - Dallas - 75202 (214) 748-5711 - westendpubdallas.net

The West End Pub has been taking care of sports fans for over 20 years. From having “the biggest screen in the West End” to being voted “The Best Sports Bar 2009” they have many claims to fame. We like the fact that they have plenty of Craft Beer offerings and a fine Scotch is never far away. Great place to start and finish when going to Mavs and Stars games.

Vary Your Workout Routine and Reap the Benefits by: Adam Bruster “Health Guru”

Many people find a specific workout routine that they enjoy, and strictly follow it on a weekly basis. It is wonderful to have a consistent workout schedule; just keep in mind that adhering to a well-rounded approach to fitness will best serve you. There are five components of fitness to be aware of when developing an exercise regimen: 1. 2.

Photo Courtesy: Shannon E. Renfroe, Chelsea Kennedy

3. 4. 5.

Muscular Strength: The ability of the muscle to exert maximal force (lifting heavy weights with low repetitions) in a short time period. Muscular Endurance: The ability of the muscles to apply a sub maximal force for a certain period of time (10-15 repetitions or more). Cardiorespiratory Endurance: Ability of the circulatory and respiratory systems to supply oxygen during sustained physical activity (running, cycling, swimming). Flexibility: Ability of the joints to move through a full range of motion. Body Composition: The body’s relative amounts of fat and fat-free mass (muscle, bone, water).

***David C. Nieman, Exercise Testing and Prescription, 5th Edition** Most people that exercise regularly tend to fall into one of the following categories: • Weight training • Cardiovascular training only (walk, run, cycle, swim) • Weight training and cardiovascular training • Yoga • Pilates • Swimming • Stretching • Cardiovascular training and stretching

You should do more than lift weights

13 After years of working in the fitness indus- starting a resistance training program and try, I have noticed a lot of things in the gym, flexibility work. If you are someone who and one that sticks out is an individual’s has been exclusively participating in Yoga/ workout routine. When I see a familiar face, Pilates, do yourself a favor and work in a I can usually predict exactly what they are few resistance training sessions each week. going to do (and not do) on that day. I see Cross training with the above activities will people that lift weights result in great benefits, and and never stretch, walk, will enhance your overall perjog, or cycle; people formance. that only do Pilates/ Exercise is something Yoga class, or stretch that should make everyday on their own; people life easier and more enjoythat swim/cycle/jog/ able. People should be able to walk and never do any walk up a flight of stairs or to type of resistance traintheir car without gasping for ing--some of these inair, lift a TV or other heavy dividuals do flexibility objects with proper form work and some do not. and without injury, have the I truly respect evstrength to easily get in and eryone that dedicates out of a chair or car seat, and time to exercise, but have the flexibility to reach there are some areas in high above their heads or their workout that need lean over to lace up a pair of Cardiovascular training is good for you to be altered for their shoes. own well-being. It is essential to cover all When an imbalance of strength or flexifive components of fitness so that you are bility occurs, the body compensates in ways not doing yourself an injustice, while ensur- that leave the lacking area further behind. ing a well-balanced routine. Do your best to Incorporate resistance, cardiovascular, and not go too extreme in one direction while ig- flexibility training into a weekly routine to noring all of the other aspects of health and comfortably perform all of the tasks that life fitness. dishes out, and become a healthier, stronger, People that only weight train most likely well-balanced person. need to add in flexibility and cardiovascular training, and consider a Yoga/Pilates class. * Consult physician before beginning an exOthers that stick to running, walking, cy- ercise program cling, and swimming also need to look into

by: The Bum

Photos Courtesy: The Bum

www.DallasRestaurantReviews.com

Javier’s is perfect for a business dinner or that extra-special Mexican meal. It serves great Mexico City style food – which means no enchiladas, no tamales, no tacos and no tortillas (except tortilla soup). This well-known restaurant has been pulling in the crowds since 1977.

A 1930’s building (with original pressed tin ceilings) on the edge of elegant Park Cities. The interior has 60 year-old brick walls, heavy woods, Mexican tile and a great copper-topped bar. The entrance is actually on the back side (on McKinney Ave., not on Cole). Valet only.

This is not Tex-Mex. Javier’s specializes in upscale Mexican-style steaks, seafood, fowl, and even mushroom crepes (a side item with the Corazon de Filete, a tenderloin steak which is my personal favorite). I also love the Filete con Champinones (sautéed tenderloin, bacon-wrapped with mushrooms and brandy sauce) and the Red Snapper Mojo de Ajo (fresh Gulf snapper sauteed in a garlic-lemon sauce). Entrees run $20$29. The Tortilla Soup is one of the best, and the Caldo Xochitl (“SO-she-til”) – a spicy chicken soup with minced onions and cilantro – is outstanding. When they bring the hot sauces (plural), there will be two of them, a red and a green, served warm.

Javier’s house margarita is as good as a

Javier’s 4912 Cole Avenue • Dallas 214-521-4211 • www.javiers.net top-shelf margarita at most restaurants. The top-shelf is even better. For an afterdinner show, order one of the two special coffees spiked with several liqueurs. Your waiter will prepare it table-side – flaming the brandy and pouring the flames from glass to glass. It’s a great finish to the dinner, and it’s great theatre. Javier’s also has a sizable wine list, including 15 by the glass, and an excellent selection of cognacs and ports. There’s even a secluded cigar bar, far in the back, if you ask.

There is a subtle mystery about Javier’s. It starts with the ever-present Ferrari parked at the door – Javier’s, I presume. Then there are the maze of rooms, secluded corners, second bar, and the old carved woods from Mexico. The decor is elegant but rustic, with vintage photos and even a few stuffed animals. The crowd is typical Park Cities: stylish and casual. Service is smooth.

Recommended: Open for dinner only.

There is no higher-class Mexican restaurant in Dallas than Javier’s.

You didn’t really think the world was going to let GM bring back the Camaro without creating a Firebird-like counterpart, did you? The Firebreather is as close as you’re going to come to a 2011 Firebird, with a modified body that goes as far as you can into F-bird territory without running into GM design patents, a supercharged, 6.2L V8 good for 599 rear-wheel horses, a custom interior and custom 20-inch wheels. Price - $60,000

Remember back when the “Helmet Cam” was a big deal? As you can tell from the Oregon Scientific HD All Terrain Video Action Camera, things have progressed a little since that time. This helmet-ready, waterproof HD camcorder can catch 1080p video at 30fps or 720p video at 60fps, and features microSD card storage, a G-Sensor to record the G-force levels while recording, HDMI output, a 1.5-inch LCD, a 135 degree field of view, and a laser pointer for some odd reason. All of that, and no heavy VCR backpack required! Price - $300

I Can’t Believe I Ate the Whole Thing… Contact Info: Kenny’s Burger Joint 1377 Legacy Drive #120 Frisco - 75034 (214) 618-8001 kennysburgerjoint.com

by: Richard S. Pollak Traveling “Gorging” Gourmet

Pimp your poolside hangout with a Kalamazoo Outdoor Pizza Oven. Made from stainless steel for outdoor endurance, but built with an old-world mentality with an arched roof, professional composite baking stone, up to two gas burners, an integrated wood tray for authentic taste, a digital thermometer and the joy that comes from knowning your pizza oven is worth approximately 5,000 Totinos Party Pizzas. Price - $4,800-$6,500 For the last four weeks, I was dieting in preparation for a two week vacation at an all-inclusive resort in Cancun. In the back of my mind, I was also plotting to not only write an article, but compete in the Kenny’s 7 lb. El Jefe Grande Burger eating contest. I am an avid follower of Man vs. Food on TV, where host Adam Richman takes on an eating challenge. Plus, I am card carrying member of the International Federation of Competitive Eaters, watching the Nathan Hot Dog Challenge religiously. I was ready for the El Jefe Grande Burger challenge since I was denied the opportunity to compete at the Great State Fair of Texas Fletcher’s Corny Dog Challenge because I supply entertainment to the Fair! My appreciation for the sport gave me the competitive inside track. I knew that the key was to eat as much of the hamburger patty hot because it weighed the most and once it got cold would be inedible in editable. I could not believe that my competitors were graciously cutting their burgers into sections and eating them eloquently like on a Sunday afternoon stroll. I was the only one to immediately separate my 7 lb behemoth removing the 2 lbs of Texas Toast to the side to stay dry and crisp and then started stuffing burger into my mouth with two hands. The 7’ 3 in tall Texas Legends NBADL Basketball Player (new Mavs minor league team in Frisco) from Botswana sitting across from me was a vegetarian and daintily ate only the lettuce and tomato with a knife and fork. I

was starting to put on a show for the FOX 4 cameras and the crowd, stuffing more and more burger in my mouth and washing it down with the lettuce, tomato and onions. I had to remove the jalapenos immediately at the start because I couldn’t handle the bitter heat spreading all over my food. I knew it was who eats the most and that no one was going to finish it so I was going to eat the heaviest ingredients first for as long as I could, making sure I wasn’t going to chuck. My only mistake was that I should have also eaten the chili soaked French Fries while they were still hot on top of my hamburger patty instead of pushing them to the side for the end. By the last 20 minutes, I knew I had eaten far more than anyone else. I didn’t want to finish the cold chili (the only part of the challenge that wasn’t so good tasting) to make me throw up. Kenny leaned over to me with about 10 minutes to congratulate me on winning and saying it was our “Jewish” heritage for eating that I was able to do so well. I spent those last 10 minutes cleaning myself up for the TV interviews and photo ops, looking for hot women to give me congratulating kisses (which none did). I had eaten over 5 of the 7lbs of the El Jefe Grande Burger by finish. You will be able to see my photo on the Wall of Fame at Kenny’s. I am hoping that the Travel Network responds to my first 40 emails and sets up a Man vs. Food challenge in Dallas for me and Adam Richman.

Foods That Make Me Gag 10. Dairy Queen’s FlameThrower Burger - Half a pound of beef, special sauce, pepper jack cheese, jalapeno, bacon, tomato, lettuce, bun. You could eat this or have 5 small chocolate milkshakes for the same amount of fat. 9. Jack-N-Grill’s 7-pound breakfast burrito - 7 potatoes, 12 eggs, a pound of ham, onion, cheese and chili. 8. The Luther Burger - Ground-beef patty, topped with cheese and bacon between two donuts instead of a bun. 7. Eskimo Ice Cream - This frosty native treat is made from reindeer fat, seal oil, salmonberries and blackberries. 6. Hardee’s 2/3 Lb. Monster Thickburger - Two 1/3 pound beef patties, 4 strips of bacon, 3 slices of American cheese, mayo, sesame seed bun equals the fat in six regular Hardee’s burgers. 5. RU Hungry’s Fat Darrell - Chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, marinara sauce, French fries on a roll. No wonder Darrell was fat. 4. Livermush - Pig liver, assorted other pig parts, cornmeal, pepper, salt. It’s 30 grams of fat before you make it into pizza and omlettes like some folks do. 3. Ruby Tuesday’s Triple Prime Bacon Cheddar Burger - 8 ounces of beef, cheddar cheese, applewood smoked bacon, lettuce, tomato, mayo, a.k.a 115 grams of fat--the limit for about two days. 2. Bob Evans’ Sausage Biscuit Bowl - Home fries, eggs, sausage gravy, sausage, cheddar cheese, scallions and margarine in a biscuit bowl. Bowl made of biscuits: genius! Sixty one grams of fat: deadly. 1. Brunchbox’s Redonkadonk - Egg, ham, Spam, bacon, and American cheese on a beef patty, between two grilled-cheese sandwiches. It’s well over 150 grams of fat, but how much over, no one will ever know since the exact amount of each ingredient is undisclosed.

JOKES

HORRORSCOPES

FUNNIES

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? A: She still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Q: How do you know when it’s time to get a new dishwasher? A: When the old one expects you to “do your share”. Fire Truck A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says “Hey little girl. What are you doing?” The little girl says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!” The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says. “Thanks mister,” says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it’s testicles. “Little girl,” says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck, I think you could go faster.” The little girl says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

ACROSS: 1. Chop finely 6. Backside 10. It smells 14. Beautify 15. Rodents 16. Nile bird 17. Glacial ice formation 18. Excretory opening 19. Nerd 20. A shallow drum 22. Possess 23. Registered nursing assistant 24. Located below or beneath something else 26. Motion sickness 30. Encounters 32. Expel 33. Purposes 35. Task 39. Delicacy 41. Earned Run Average 42. Safe place 43. Not late 44. Astringent 46. Act 47. Big name in computers

49. Recompense 51. Peril 54. 7 in Roman numerals 55. Test 56. Apparent 63. 53 in Roman numerals 64. Swerve 65. Nonsense 66. Wench 67. Historical periods 68. Do penance 69. Wings 70. A Roman emperor 71. Trousers DOWN: 1. Sail holder 2. Notion 3. Standard 4. Fourth sign of the zodiac 5. A call for more 6. Palm cockatoo 7. Hindu princess 8. Render senseless 9. Ancient ascetic 10. African holly 11. A religious cult 12. Strainer

13. Glacial ridge 21. A Central American sloth 25. Carve in stone 26. Memo 27. Certain something 28. Utilizer 29. Spikes on the floors of caves 30. Blackbird 31. Jacob’s brother 34. Secure against leakage 36. Roasting appliance 37. Marsh plant 38. Concludes 40. Sort 45. Principal 48. Established beyond doubt 50. Accident 51. Triangular formation 52. Lengthwise 53. Nigerian monetary unit 54. Left-hand page 57. Arid 58. Rip 59. Bit 60. Blessing 61. Gave temporarily 62. Visual organs

18 by: Pat Moran

“Man on His Throne” - pmoran@gmail.com

Photo Courtesy: Rich Anderson

Can the Rangers Do It?

Uhh...Has anyone seen the standings lately? I mean, it’s not April so it’s probably not some gigantic joke...right? I mean, being a sports fan in a so-called “small market,” we are lead to believe that sports are penance; like living in a dark comedy where everything goes wrong for our hero and the popular guy always steals the girl. But have you seen the standings? Are the Rangers really leading the West? Look, we all know what month it is. Nobody wins championships in August. So much is said throughout the year; predictions rambled out ad nauseam by lame “experts.” As fans, we don’t get to have our say. We have our team. We have our record. We have our hope. But we also have our history. And that history is a bit skewed in the “no hope” category. But who cares? Pick a small market

Crossword Solution

team in any sport and compare their championships. It’s a huge task and by all means, it is not impossible. It’s not super probable, but whatever. Who cares! That’s why this is pretty damn cool. Don’t worry. I won’t jinx it by actually saying any specific words that might come back to haunt me, but I’ll take a season like this after all that has happened in the past over any one of these slapped together, prefabricated teams that swallow up free agents and payroll like a $5 hooker on her way to a political convention. There are still many games left to play and October seems like decades away rather than a few months. But for once, we can really talk about the end of the season and not feel like we are going to puke. Well, at least we won’t be barfing out of self-loathing and heartbreak...KNOCK ON WOOD.

Training Day

The Ireland trip was still a few weeks away so I had a few more doors to knock on and a few more oil change coupons to sell before I had enough money for pints of Guinness. So my brother Casey and I were driving in his rust-colored Nova, which he—a little too enthusiastically—referred to as his “golddigger repellent,” although I think “snaggletooth magnet” is much more appropriate. Now, most people just drive to work. They grab a cup of coffee and head down the interstate. But not in my brother’s business. The first detour was a surf shop storefront where my other brother Dalen had been picketing by himself for the past three days. Apparently, he had recently purchased some flip-flops that fell apart after a few days and they refused to give him an exchange or refund. Casey just saw it as an excuse to skip work, but Dalen insisted it was all about principle. Either way, the picketing was ineffective, mostly because the sign he was holding up didn’t make any sense. Even if it were legible, it looked like some incoherent scribbling of a homeless man. Writing was never his strong suit. Still, he stood his ground and chose to continue for the third day, with an eye roll from Casey and more whining from his sidekick Crispy, who had accumulated a giant pile of sunflower seed shells on the

by: Jesse Whitman JWhitman00@gmail.com

sidewalk. “Dude, they’re just flip-flops. I’ll buy you a new pair. We’ve been out here for three days,” Crispy said while Dalen continued to chant, “Don’t buy shoes here if you want to get ripped off!” Finally, we’re on the interstate and I’m starting to think the day might go smoothly…then another detour. After the incoherent one-man picket line, I’m afraid to ask. “I have to pick up the new guy. He’s training today,” Casey explained. Okay, that sounds pretty normal, except that he left out the part that we were picking him up from a half-way house. Only truly desperate people like ex-cons and couch-hopping drifters like me do door-to-door sales. The trainee we picked up looked like he had been sleeping in a gutter for the past week. If he knocked on my door, I would call the cops. Casey had his work cut out for him. But just as Casey was about to go into his whole Jesus-went-door-to-door speech, an enormous black woman with “Chocolate Thunder” tattooed on her chest came charging after the car yelling, “Raymond! Raymond! Raymond!” Casey asked if he wanted us to stop and Raymond looked back and shook his head, “Just keep driving. Just keep driving.”