Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

VOL. 3 - ISSUE 2

Second Time Ohio Woman Gives Birth in Vehicle BLITZ News Shorts Blockbuster Video/Movie Review Music: Working With The Stones Rangers News/TCU/SMU/UNT Previews Dungy Does Dallas COVER STORY: Cowboys Football Preview NFC East Preview Play For Real Cowboys Offense Cowboys Defense BLITZ BABE: Kristin Dublin Town Food Review: Y.O. Ranch Steakhouse Blitz Toys The Fan: Cowboys Luncheon News Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes Last Call: Open Letter to Hangovers

3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jennifer Wayne CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER Cover Photography: James D. Smith Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Kent Gilley, Tim Gravens, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Michael W. Benutzer, David Goodspeed, Sami Keinanen, Chuck Majors, Stu Pendousmat, James D. Smith, Jim Summaria STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Eric Kendall, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Craig Smith, Jennifer Wayne and Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Joe Avezzano, Kris Boudreau, David Goodspeed, Andrew J. Hewett, Jayson Larson, Larry Ray Loebig, Wally Lynn, Gilbert J. Moses, Jr., Joe Stumpo ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “We’re going to be fine...We’re going to have a good football team.” -- Wade Phillips

For a second time, an Ohio woman has given birth to a baby who couldn’t wait and arrived on the drive to the hospital. Christina Schuler’s 8-pound, 11-ounce son was born last Tuesday in the front seat of the family’s pickup truck. Her husband pulled over less than a mile from their hospital in southwest Ohio’s Clermont County. The woman from Bethel says her labor was even shorter than it was in December 2006, when she gave birth to her son, Ethan, in a car. The Schulers also have one other child. The father, Nathan Schuler, says if the couple has any more children, they’ll have to leave for the hospital a lot earlier. They haven’t decided on a name yet for the new baby.

Homeless Man Calls 911 from Hot Tub Seeking Cocoa

A homeless man who called 911 from the hot tub of a suburban Portland home and asked for towels, hot chocolate and a hug got arrested for trespassing instead. Beaverton police say Mark Eskelsen called 911 from his cell phone, identified himself as “the sheriff of Washington County,” and asked for medical help. He later admitted he wasn’t the sheriff but informed the dispatcher he’d been “yelling for about an hour and a half.” The man said in his Sunday morning call that he’d been in the water about 10 hours and his towels had gotten wet. As he put it, “I just need a hug and a warm cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows in it.” The Oregonian newspaper says arriving officers arrested Eskelsen for investigation of second-degree criminal trespass and improper use of 911.

Busted Pot Growers Mistake Wardens for Suppliers

California wildlife officials say two men are in custody after a group of marijuana growers started to toss bags full of pot into a pickup truck belonging to game wardens they mistook for their suppliers. State Department of Fish and Game spokesman Pat Foy says two wardens in Tehama County were looking for deer poachers last Monday night in the Shasta-Trinity National Forest when they heard footsteps behind them. They turned and saw five men hauling large military-style duffel bags and sleeping bags. Foy said the men approached the wardens’ truck as if to toss the bags in the bed. The wardens began shouting commands at the group and managed to handcuff two, one of whom was carrying a shotgun. Three others escaped into the forest. The warden’s recovered 127 pounds of processed marijuana.

Andrew J. Hewett

www.chewednews.com

THIS DRUG ROSE BEYOND EXPECTATIONS

In 1992, Pfizer (the world’s largest research-based pharmaceutical company) tested a new drug on a group of citizens in the Welch village of Port Darwin, hoping to treat angina. Though the test failed for treating chest pains, most of the men in the test group refused to stop taking their medication. Why? That reason is why Pfizer now markets that drug under the name Viagra, used for erectile dysfunction.

YEAH, THOSE EXAMINING ROOMS CAN BE MIGHTY COLD

A Ft. Worth emergency physician, Allen Roberts, was shocked to see one female patient. When she was told to put on a hospital gown before examination, the patient did...but then modeled it worn over her dress and coat.

LITTLE DID HE KNOW

On July 4, 1776, King George III of England noted in his diary: “Nothing of importance happened today.”

Blockbuster Video: A lot like working at everyone’s favorite TV bar

by: Gilbert J. Moses, Jr.

by: Joe Stumpo

“I think, therefore I write”

Photo Courtesy: Stu Pendousmat

www.darthstumpo.com

“The times they are a-changin.” Such was the line from that famous Bob Dylan song. When it comes to the variety of options consumers have now to rent movies, the times really are a changing and it’s not for the better for Dallas-based Blockbuster Video. If the video retailer’s announcement last September that it may close as many as 960 of the more than 4,300 stores the company operates in the country as a result of continuing low profits and the massive beating from competitive rivals Netflix, Inc. and Redbox is any indication, it looks like “the Buster” is well on its way to becoming a dinosaur. Of course, it wasn’t always like this. Working for “the Buster” from 1988 to 1996, I can’t tell you how many times I heard the comment that Blockbuster’s days in being one of the top video store chains was numbered thanks to upcoming technology that would make renting movies easier than having to go to your local video store. What amazed me was every time someone said such a comment, the CEO’s and executives for Blockbuster managed to prove the naysayers wrong. I equate working for Blockbuster those eight years like being a member of a successful long

running sitcom. I looked at Blockbuster as that of being like working at a popular bar, like Cheers. In addition to the Norm Petersons, there was even a Carla Tortelli behind the counter who didn’t get off on being chained to the front register for eight hours checking out customers. She, or he, as I am not going to reveal names, referred to them as cattle and felt it was their responsibility to get the mass herds out the door by any means necessary. Customer service was not high on her’s or his list. The last time I was inside a Blockbuster Video was in the summer of 2008 and that was to return some late dvds I had sitting in the car for a couple weeks. I didn’t pay the late fee either. Sure, there were several movies I’d like to see that I missed at the box office. What do I need Blockbuster for when I got a wireless internet/cable service provider and can just order the titles from them off their VideoOn-Demand stations, record them on DVR and watch them later? I predict the day will come when the brick and mortar video store I referred to as the place “where everybody knows your name” will play out a scene similar to the one in the last episode of Cheers. Except in this case, the stores will never reopen.

Takers

If you are a fan of the crime drama genre then nothing in the plot of Takers is going to blow your mind. All the standard elements you love are there: hot shot bank-robbing crew, one last big score that’s too good to be true and too big to ignore, crooked cops, lovers scorned, revenge, double crossing. You name it, Takers has it. Takers manages to take your favorite elements from every bank robbery movie you have seen and combine them with a stellar cast and 90 minutes of pure adrenaline to deliver a fast paced thriller you will not soon forget. The movie opens by introducing us to a crew of criminals mid-robbery. From the moment they step on screen, Gordon Jennings (Idris Elba), A.J. (Hayden Christensen), John Rahway (Paul Walker), Jake (Michael Ealy) and Jesse Attica (Chris Brown) let us know that they are the best at what they do: “taking.” When Ghost (Tip “T.I.” Harris), a former member of their crew, is released from prison and convinces them to take on the job of a lifetime, things start to get interesting. For the majority of the movie, Jack Welles (Matt Dillon) and his partner, Eddie Hatcher (Jay Hernandez), push the boundaries of the law, while trying to foil the Takers’ plan and put them behind bars.

What separates Takers from the pack, other than a healthy dose of pure unadulterated action, is a great cast. While no one actor was extremely breath-taking, as a whole they work well together to make the movie enjoyable. Hayden Christensen has come a long way from his days as a Jedi apprentice and steals the show when onscreen and creates a lovable criminal in his character, A.J. T.I. does a brilliant job in his first on-screen appearance since American Gangster, creating a villain that you will love to hate. The writing team does their best to add to the movie by trying to create an emotional connection with Gordon Jennings and Jack Welles’ characters by introducing some dark family drama, but ultimately fail to make us feel connected to either character. All in all, Takers is an action packed film with everything you’ve come to expect in a movie about bank robberies. Good news is it does most of these things very well and wraps up with an action-filled climax that you will be kicking yourself over if you miss out on. “What’s my take on Takers?” you may ask…if you’ve got the time and the cash to go see a movie this weekend and you want to have an edge-of-your-seat good time, Takers is the way to go.

Photo Courtesy: Jim Summaria

by: Larry Ray Loebig “Backstage Pass”

Eagles – Hotel California

3. Bohemian Rhapsody

Queen – A Night at the Opera

4. Sympathy For The Devil

Rolling Stones – Beggars Banquet

5. Free Bird

Lynyrd Skynyrd – (Pronounced ‘Leh-’nérd ‘Skin-’nérd)

6. Slow Ride

Foghat – Fool for the City

7. Hold Your Head Up

Argent – All Together Now

8. Dream On

Aerosmith – Aerosmith

9. Wish You Were Here

Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here

10. Kashmir

Led Zeppelin – Physical Graffiti

and James Cotton Blues Band Winspear Opera House – Dallas Kicking off the 2010-2011 “Jazz Roots” season are two generations of blues stars: The Blues featuring Shemekia Copeland and the James Cotton “Super Harp” Blues Band. 7:30 p.m.

Thur 9/9 Freedom Run and Festival

Dallas City Hall Unite in celebration of our freedom and honor those who lost their lives on 9/11 with this 5K run/walk and mini-festival. For more information, call (214) 670-3011.

Fri 9/10 XLV Countdown Live from

2. Hotel California

Wed 9/8 The Blues featuring Shemekia Copeland

Cowboys Stadium Dallas Cowboys Stadium – Arlington Grammy Award-winning country artist Tim McGraw will headline this star-studded celebration which will also feature seldom-seen NFL Films archival footage projected onto massive screens and the Cowboys Stadium scoreboard accompanied by the XLV Symphony Orchestra and a rare performance by Ft. Worth’s own Van Cliburn.

Sat 9/11 11th Annual Pickups N Panels Classic Truck

Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin IV

and Car Shoot-Out Farmers Branch Historical Park Featuring cars and trucks 1985 and older. You’re welcome to walk the vehicles and talk to owners about these models of transportation from yesteryear. If you have an old Ford, Dodge, Studebaker or any other vehicle you are welcome to enter it into the shootout to be judged.

Sun 9/12 Sunset Movie Series at Central 214

Hotel Palomar – Dallas The movie for the night is Old School. Enjoy a special priced late night menu and great drink specials. Entry is free, so arrive early for best seating. Show starts at approximately 9 p.m.

Mon 9/13 Mark Williams:

MUSIC: ‘70s Mix 1. Stairway to Heaven

Small Drawings and Studio Notebooks Hawn Gallery – SMU This exhibit is being held in conjunction with “Exquisitely Calibrated: Recent Paintings by Mark Williams” at SMU’s Pollock Gallery. None of the books exhibited have ever been out of Williams’ New York studio.

Tue 9/14 Blue Man Group

he last time we talked about music, we talked about Waylon & Johnny Cash. We’ll go to rock & roll now. In the ‘70s, we all got an ear full of the greats like Zeppelin, CCR, Bad Company, The Doors and disco. But a lot of us knew that the Rolling Stones followed the Beatles and were rolling from the ‘60s to forever. Get Yer Ya-Ya’s Out, Sympathy For The Devil, Get Off Of My Cloud to the decadence on and on. The Stones were the sign of the times in changing rock & roll. Mick said they were the first punk rock band ever. Stones followers heard blues, country, jazz, rock & roll, disco and more. We were rolling ourselves from festivals to concerts and loving what the next shows were bringing and the part we may play. Already sparked as an artist in the ‘60s by Jimmy Hendrix (met his dad in Seattle), I turned pro playing drums, harmonica, plus, writing and singing. My younger brother David was working for a promoter in Florida who booked stadium rock shows. The Stones were booked and I was on my way to meet the staff. The sun was hot in the stadium as cold rain came in over the red rocks that left a chill till Eddie Money, the ex-New York cop brought in his smokin’ hot sax and Two Tickets to Paradise. That jacked up the crowd until the Stones took over. I had made it my business to meet the crew and stage hands, aka roadies, knowing I needed to be a part of this touring tripped out circus. (I have to keep some things cool, such as names, dates and R-rated conquests left for my book in progress, Backstage Pass.) There was an air of real danger and intrigue with this musical circus. I respect the hell out of the people that came together this quickly for a show of this magnitude. The crowd was made up of kids, hippies, bikers, and grandparents. I became a promoter’s assistant with my other brother and we were running our butts off. In the beginning of contract signing, there were high level discussions about the bands and guests personal needs (our job). Then came the talk about the opening act. They decided on California’s Van Halen. The gifted and older Alex Van Halen rocked the drums and lil’ brother guitar-slayer Eddie who was about 19 or 20 at the time. They took the opening job with a vey limber lead vocalist, David Lee Roth who could wail. They did more than warm up the crowd for the Stones. My brother and I had the pleasure of setting up dressing rooms, VIP areas and “meet and greet.” We set up some crazy stuff, including wrapping Van Halen’s trailer with colored paper mache. We installed a rock-your-socks-off sound system. Valerie Bertinelli and friends showed up in a separate limo followed by the band. We blew the doors off, cranked Aerosmith and they dug it. We wanted them to feel welcome. They were nice guys excited about their gig with the Stones. My brother spotted Mick and went over to greet him. There was a security buzz and protestors in the street. We were sent to check it out and found mostly women protesting some nasty, sexual lyrics pertaining to women on the “Some Girls” album. After telling the Stones, the band decided to start the set with Under My Thumb. Pure decadence... pure in your face Stones. I was to bring Heineken beers to the Stones and wait for Van Halen to finish. Then it was time...Mick called for “his” drummer. Charlie then called for “his” singer. We all laughed and then Mick gathered the band and took the stage.

Winspear Opera House – Dallas Escape the ordinary and surround yourself in an explosion of comedy, music, and technology. If you’ve never seen Blue Man Group, it’s a mustsee. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com

RANGERS:News

by: Craig Smith

by: Tony Barone – “Senior Sports Authority”

“Sportsologist”

Photo Courtesy: Matt Pearce

Putting the Ordinary into Extraordinary The first place Rangers have struggled leaping into the center field wall to make a mightily as of late, yet they still maintain a catch. He made another one last Saturday seven game lead in the division. Suddenly, night against the Twins and had to come out an extraordinary team has become an of the game. He is now out for an extended ordinary team. This past week, they won period of time with a bruised ribcage. A two and lost five, healthy Hamilton is a including being swept must for the playoffs. by the Twins. They have Elvis Andrus is also out only won three games a couple of games with out of their last ten, but tightness in his hamstring. the three other teams The injury has been in the division have all bothering him for a few only won four each in weeks and caused him to the same time frame. leave the game Saturday With 24 games left, after the third inning. they should not have Cliff Lee has been a problem making the scratched from his next playoffs, but I guess you scheduled start Tuesday can never say “never.” because of a strained One thing I know for muscle in his lower back. sure is they need to start The Rangers need Hamilton back in a bad way. This might not be a playing better or the bad thing considering playoffs will be over fast for the Rangers. he has lost his last five starts. He has not The Rangers are getting decimated exactly been the “Ace” we thought we with injuries. With less than a month to go were getting. They now head to Toronto until playoffs, the most important thing for for a four game series and then back home the team is to rest and get healthy. Josh for three against the hated Yankees before Hamilton continues to do it all, including hosting the Tigers for two at home.

Sat. Sept. 11: 6pm – WBAP 820 @ Amon Carter Stadium Andy Dalton ran for two touchdowns and threw for another as No. 6 TCU opened the season with a 30-21 victory over No. 24 Oregon State in the first ever Cowboys Classic witnessed by 46,138 fans at Jerry World in Arlington. Dalton overcame two interceptions and became the school’s winningest quarterback, recording his 30th victory and snapping a tie with TCU Legend “Slingin’ Sammy” Baugh, who had held the record since the mid 1930’s. TCU sophomore running back Ed Wesley turned in a solid performance rushing for 134 yards and a touchdown. TCU receiver Jeremy Kerley caught a 1-yard touchdown to tie the game at 14 midway through the second quarter, and then set up another score before halftime with a 34-yard punt return. Ryan Katz made his first start at quarterback for the Beavers and was 9 of 25 for 159 yards and two touchdowns. He also had to kick the ball out of the back of the end zone for a safety after a snap over his head with four minutes left in the game, which sealed the win for the Frogs. TCU’s next opponent is the Tennessee Tech Golden Eagles. The Golden Eagles lost their season opener to the Hogs of Arkansas 44-3.

by: Craig Smith – “Sportsologist”

Sat. Sept. 11: 6pm – KWRD 100.7 @ Fouts Field The SMU Mustangs are coming off their best season in 25 years, but they didn’t start this season off with a win. Kyle Padron was inconsistent in the season opener at Texas Tech, throwing three interceptions. They made a valiant comeback but came up short 35-27. Kicker Matt Szymanski kicked a 61-yard field goal which is a new school record. This Saturday is not only the first home game of the season at Ford Field, but it’s also a conference game against UAB. Last season, the Mustangs won a thriller at UAB 35-33. The good news is that quarterback Joe Webb, who was named Conference USA’s Offensive Player of the Year, was a senior. This is an experienced team that returns a majority of their starters. The Blazers had a gamewinning field goal blocked on the final play of the game last week and lost 32-31 to Florida Atlantic. UAB quarterback David Isabelle only had 79 yards passing but rushed for 214 yards and three touchdowns. The Mustangs defense must contain the athletic Isabelle to win and Padron must cut down on the turnovers.

by: Craig Smith – “Sportsologist”

Sat. Sept. 11: 6pm – KWRD 100.7 @ Fouts Field Saturday night is the first home game of the season against the Rice Owls. This is the final season North Texas will play at Fouts Field which opened in 1952. The two teams have only played each other twice and the series is tied 1-1. Rice is coming off a respectable 34-17 loss to the Texas Longhorns. The Owls played solid defense considering the powerful opponent and kept quarterback Garrett Gilbert to 172 yards and no touchdowns. The Mean Green are coming off a 35-10 loss against Clemson in Death Valley. Nathan Tune led the offense to 462 yards of total offense. He only started two games last year but looked comfortable throwing for 240 yards and hitting 9 different receivers. Lance Dunbar picked up where he left off last year rushing for 116 yards. He will be the difference maker in this week’s game. Rice won’t put a lot of points on the board so if Dunbar can find the end zone North Texas will have a chance to win it.

Dungy Does Dallas

On August 26th, Tony Dungy was at the Hilton Anatole in Dallas to speak at a luncheon for the SMU Athletic Forum. SMU Head Football Coach June Jones and Pat Summerall sat at the head table. Dungy is one of three people to have won the Super Bowl both as a player and as a head coach. He became the first African-American head coach to win the Super Bowl when the Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears in February of 2007. He went on to coach two more seasons before retiring. He is now a studio color analyst for NBC Sports. He has also released four books, including a children’s book, that have reached the top ten on the New York Times Best Seller list. He started out the speech by saying that being a former Pittsburgh Steeler player and coach that he wasn’t used to getting good hospitality here in Dallas. It was kind of a downer for him driving by the spot where Texas Stadium used to be. His first

NFL interception was there against Roger Staubach in 1978 and he still has the ball. Growing up as an athlete, he dreamed of catching a touchdown pass in the Super Bowl but not of coaching in the NFL. He said his parents had “encouraged us to dream big and think outside of the box and not let people tell you what you could or couldn’t do.” He started playing football in sixth grade and was a quarterback. It was the only position he ever played all the way through college. He had two choices coming out of college, play in the Canadian Football League for $50,000 a year or try to make the Pittsburgh Steelers for $2,000 and another $18,000 if he made the team. He chose playing against the best competition over the money. Since they had Terry Bradshaw, they moved him to defense a position he had never played. He was used in one game as the emergency quarterback after the first two were injured and became

Football Season Equals Pizza Season Like every other girl that you know, I am constantly on a diet. However, it is hard to say no to pizza every single Sunday when we gather with our friends to watch the Cowboys. And I don’t want to say no because it is tradition amongst my crew to gather around a pie and some brew and root for God’s team. I did some internet research on the nutritional content of common ingredients pizza places provide and here are some of the healthier alternatives: Ham: Yeah, I know…you want the meat lovers. Do you want a spare tire on your spare tire and a heart attack, too? Ham is lower in fat than sausage, ground beef or bacon; it also contains more protein with about seven grams of fat per three ounce serving.

Dallas Polo Club

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Pineapple: Goes great with the above plus one cup contains 100% of your daily recommended intake of manganese, which is a nutrient that helps the body make energy. It also contains a substantial amount of vitamins C and E, which supports eyesight and the immune system. Parmesan Cheese: While it won’t have the same gooey-ness as mozzarella cheese, it’s a more nutritionally sound choice. It’s higher in protein and lower in fat. Pappa John’s does a blend with mozzarella and parmesan on one of their specialty pizzas. Tomato Sauce: To add more flavor to your pizza, especially if you are cutting the amount of cheese you use, add extra tomato sauce. It’s a rich source of lycopene which is said to prevent cancers of the lungs, stomach and prostate gland. At

by: Craig Smith

“Sportsologist”

the last person in NFL history to catch and throw an interception in the same game. He said the question he gets asked most is people wanting to know about Peyton Manning. “What is he really like and do all those gestures really mean something?” Dungy said he was great to coach and that he is like you see him in commercials always joking around and yes, the hand signals do mean something. He ended by saying his Dad was his biggest influence. He complained to him one day that he wasn’t getting enough playing time. His father said, “Life isn’t always fair but don’t complain. Look at what you can do to make it better.” by: Jennifer Wayne “Foxie Foodie”

only 79 calories per whole cup…it won’t make you have to add another hole in your belt with a screw driver again. C’mon… we have all done it. Mushrooms: Mushrooms are another food that’s recommended for males to use to help prevent prostate cancer. They contain just 15 calories per cup and two grams of protein. Spinach: One of the nutrients found in highest concentrations in spinach is vitamin K, which is important for making sure the blood clots effectively. Which is good for when you and the guys take to the field in an attempt to reenact plays. Spinach contains over 13 different flavonoid compounds that work to help prevent the occurrence of cancer.

NFL: Vikings vs Saints

Thur. September 9 – 7:30PM – Superdome – NBC Finally, the first game to kickoff the new season! A rematch from last season’s NFC Title game. The offenses will be a bit out of synch but the defenses should be full throttle. Questions abound regarding Brett Favre’s ankle and if the old man still has it. Adrian Peterson should put on a show. The Saints have Brees and his well oiled machine. What will X-factor Reggie Bush do?

MLB: Yankees vs Rangers

Fri. September 10 – 7:05PM – Rangers Ballpark – KTXA-21 It’s always big when the Yankees come to town and this series is no different. A-Rod is back from the disabled list and Mark Teixeira is all too familiar with the stadium. This could be a preview for the first round in the postseason between the two teams. Javier Vazquez takes the mound for the Yankees and C.J. Wilson for the Rangers.

College Football: Penn State(19) vs Alabama(1)

Sat. September 11 – 6:00PM – Bryant-Denny Stadium – ESPN Two storied schools match up for the big game. It’s a game with National Title ramifications involved. The first true test for Alabama to defend its title. JoePa and his coaches will do all they can to scheme against the Tide. Robert Bolden who is a freshman will have his hands full. He’ll need help from his o-line for the running game to be effective. Look for Bama to just roll like they always do.

NFL: Cowboys vs Redskins

Sun. September 12 – 7:20PM – FedEx Field – NBC The first Sunday night game of the season will be a good one. Can the Cowboys offense move the ball effectively? Will they be able to score in the red zone? How will the revamped o-line perform? For the Redskins, it all comes down to McNabb. How will he handle the defense and the blitz! Will Haynesworth be effective?

by: Jayson Larson “Man on the Inside”

After winning the division last year, the Cowboys are the favorites going in, but have had a miserable preseason that included injuries on top of uninspired play in the exhibition season. They will be looking for several players to step up, notably LT Doug Free and S Alan Ball to replace the departed Flozell Adams and Ken Hamlin. Rookie WR Dez Bryant has attracted a lot of attention as he brings his play-making ability to QB Tony Romo and the offense. WR Miles Austin is hoping to build on his breakout season of a year ago and the triple threat of Jones, Barber and Choice makes for a strong running attack. On defense, the dynamic duo of DeMarcus Ware and Anthony Spencer may be the best tandem of outside pass rushers in a league that has fallen in love with throwing the ball. Not to worry; if the opposing team’s QB gets the ball in the air, the Cowboys have a pair of Pro Bowl corners in Terence Newman and Mike Jenkins in the defensive backfield. If the Dallas Cowboys can buck the preseason trend and remain healthy, they could be the first team EVER to play in a Super Bowl in their home stadium.

NEW YORK GIANTS

(second place, 10-6)

The highlight of the Giants 2009 season may very well have been their victory in the inaugural game at Cowboys Stadium. In what was the team’s final season in Giants Stadium, they got off to a 5-0 start before finishing 3-8 and finishing third in the division. Tom Coughlin’s team missed the playoffs after playing in the postseason the previous four years. If they are going to return to their dominating ways of the past as they open their new stadium, the Giants will have to improve on running the ball. RB Brandon Jacobs will have his hands full as all of their starting linemen have missed time this preseason. RB Ahmad Bradshaw presents the elusiveness that Jacobs power running lacks and may be a major factor in whether Eli Manning and the Giants return to prominence or fade to oblivion. If the Giants can stay healthy, or relatively healthy, they should be able to squeak into the playoffs.

With all due respect to Jim Zorn, the biggest difference is that the Washington Redskins have a real head coach now that Daniel Snyder has brought in, former Denver Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan. The future Hall of Fame Coach who has two Super Bowl championships on his resume, immediately addressed the need at quarterback by bringing in Donovan McNabb to replace Jason Campbell. Look for a lot of play action from the Redskins to take advantage of tight ends Chris Cooley and Fred Davis. And don’t forget the weapons already on the roster in RB Clinton Portis and WR Santana Moss. New defensive coordinator Jim Haslet has switched things up to a 3-4. But the toughest task at hand is dealing with DT Albert Haynesworth and his near-comical distractions this entire preseason. If – and that’s a big “if” – Haslet can somehow persuade Haynesworth to be a team player, he would join Andre Carter and London Fletcher in what would be a very intimidating defense. It would also go a long way in helping the ‘Skins improve on last year’s 4-12 mark.

This has all the makings of a transition year for the Eagles as they bid farewell to quarterback Donovan McNabb and tailback Brian Westbrook. However, Andy Reid’s team is still loaded at the skill positions with WRs DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin, TE Brent Celek and RB LeSean McCoy. The big question mark is the starting QB, fourth-year player out of the University of Houston Kevin Kolb. Will Kolb step out of McNabb’s shadow ala Aaron Rodgers with Brett Favre in Green Bay? Can the offensive line protect him to allow him the chance? And there is always the secret weapon waiting in the wings: QB Michael Vick. The Eagles defense under Sean McDermott did not have the same smash-mouth feel as his mentor Jim Johnson brought to the game. They drafted heavy on defense and picked up LB Ernie Sims from the Lions as they attempt to bolster their defensive unit. Look for Kolb to have some growing pains in this very tough division as this very talented squad finds themselves hovering around .500 and finishing the season in last place.

Photo Courtesy: James D. Smith

by: Joe Avezzano “The Coach”

Finally we get to see a real full-tilt ballgame that counts for real. After the longest training camp in a long time, due to the Hall of Fame game in Canton, the Cowboys get to go through a normal week of preparation and get ready for the opener against Washington. Let’s wrap up camp. What has been accomplished? The main objectives of camp are to get the starters in sync and evaluate the youngsters. I believe the sync part is coming along well on defense as they have had the opportunity to work everyone together from the unit that produced excellent results from last season. The question mark on Defense was FS Alan Ball. He’s answered the challenge well and now the focus becomes the youngsters. This has been a good part of camp as newcomers Church, McCann and Owusu-Ansah, as well as LB Lee, look to be good additions to the depth of the Defense. This is important because Defense can be ahead of the offense early in the year and the more depth the better and to help on Special Teams. The offensive sync job has been spotty at best in terms of what we’ve seen in preseason games. This unit has talent as demonstrated by last year’s production but it’s been dismal in games so far. Reason for panic? No, but go ahead and semi-panic if they look that way against Washington. The main unit that is suffering is the O-line as they deal with injuries. The offensive line does not have to be great to succeed but they do have to be cohesive and hard working to succeed. No question on the work ethic, but with Holland replacing Kosier

for a while and the uncertainty of Colombo, it means the working together part for the starting five needs to hurry up. Time is needed for this to happen but time is short. The main addition to the offense will be Dez Bryant. There is no question he is the real deal and can help this team. His injury has curtailed his progress and remember that he is a rookie. The last great rookie receiver was? He will help; it’s when that no one can answer. So camp is over and now it starts for real. Washington will be an improved football team because it appears they finally have an organizational structure that gives them a chance. Mike Shanahan as Coach and Donovan McNabb at QB make them automatically better than in recent years. Will they be better for the opening game? Probably not. They’ll be better as the season goes along and the system sets in for the long haul. However, on September 12th there will be about 90,000 people cranking up the noise and then it will be for real. I will say again that overall the Cowboys will go as far as Romo takes them. That’s a good horse to ride. With the help of a number of good players, the Cowboys should beat Washington. Finally, for real! Join Coach Joe at Hat Tricks in Lewisville for all the great sports and fabulous music. Check hattricksdallas.com for info. You can also hear Coach Joe on Tuesday nights on 95.3 for his Country Music show and on 105.3 The Fan for Dallas Cowboys pre and post game shows.

10 Tony Romo has been anything but spectacular this preseason. The first team offense has a hard time finding the end zone. He is the most important part of this offense and will have to have a good season if the Cowboys are to have any chance of reaching the Super Bowl in Arlington. Last season, Romo was one of the top passers in the league. Only two quarterbacks had more passing yards and surprisingly, he was one of four regular starters to throw less than ten interceptions. He will have most of the same weapons back this year and has added Dez Bryant to his arsenal. He has thrown at least 26 touchdown passes the last three seasons and I think he will be in the mid-thirties this season. As long as he has time to throw and stays in the pocket, he should once again be amongst the top in passing yards. If Romo ever goes down, the backup is 37-year-old Jon Kitna who didn’t even attempt a pass in ‘09. He probably isn’t the player you want to have to depend on for more than a game or two. If Kitna is on the sideline, then fans should be happy. This may be the most talented group of backs in the league. Marion Barber has been tabbed the starter but has failed to reach double digit touchdowns the last two years. He is beginning to lose his edge on the other two in the group after battling injuries the past two seasons. For him to be effective in this offense, he has to return to being Marion the Barbarian. It’s been a long time since you just gave him the ball and watched him bulldoze defenders in his way. He will be used for goal line carries. Felix Jones is the favorite of fellow Arkansas alum Jerry Jones. He will be used as the change of pace runner who, if healthy, is very dangerous in the open field. Last year, he had four runs of 40 yards or more and had an impressive 5.9 yards per carry. I think he’ll become the starter at some point this season because he’s too talented to have on the side lines. He can score any time he touches the ball. Tashard Choice seems to make things happen every time he enters the game. He energizes the offense and runs the Wildcat offense from time to time. He deserves to be on the field more but is the third man in this talented backfield. This is another deep and talented group. Miles Austin was the biggest surprise on this team in years. He barely got on the field the first four games, but after he got his first career start against Kansas City, a star was born. He went on to make the Pro Bowl after finishing third in the league in receiving yards and receiving touchdowns. Dez Bryant was an absolute steal with the 24th pick in this year’s draft. He was a fan favorite in training camp before sustaining a high ankle sprain. He will be a big part of this offense and make it impossible for opposing defenses to double up on Austin. He may remind fans of a former receiver who wore #88. Roy Williams must perform much better this season or it will likely be his last one with a star on his helmet. He must develop stronger chemistry with Romo and perform the way he did when he entered the league with the Lions. Jason Witten is about as solid as they come. The last three seasons he has averaged 90.3 receptions and 1,042 yards. The team will try to get him more involved in the red zone. This is the biggest area of concern for the team. They’re a huge part of the reason the offense has been ineffective this preseason. Losing left tackle Flozell Adams could prove costly. Doug Free will fill that spot after proving his worth and should do well in run blocking. Marc Colombo had his knee scoped in the middle of August but is set to be ready for the season opener. He’s a vital part of this line and must stay healthy. Kyle Kosier suffered a sprained MCL in August and could miss up to the first four games of the season. Leonard Davis made his third consecutive Pro Bowl appearance last season. Andre Gurode returns at center and has made four consecutive Pro Bowl appearances. If they can keep Romo off his back and create holes for the running backs, this team has as good a shot as anybody to be in the Super Bowl.

Photos Courtesy: James D. Smith

by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist”

11 The Cowboys ended the 2009 season with one of the most feared defensive lines in the NFL, helping the team lead the league in sacks with 52 and dominating the stretch run of the season. Since 2005, their 3-4 defense has been anchored at the nose tackle position by Jay Ratliff. His penetration through the line with seven sacks, eight tackles for losses, and 33 quarterback pressures helped him to back-to-back pro bowls and undoubted leader of the D-line. Igor Olshansky, without question, is a beast when it comes to pure strength. As one of the strongest players in the NFL, according to bench press (41 reps of 225 lbs at the 2004 combine; 505lb bench press in college), he had his most productive year in his career after signing a four-year contract with Dallas in 2009. He helped Dallas forget about Chris Canty by setting a career high in tackles with 76, good enough for third on the team. Marcus Spears rounds out the starting D-Line. Backing up these three are: Stephen Bowen, Josh Brent and Jason Hatcher. If this unit remains consistent and add pressure to opposing offenses then things will really open up for the linebackers. It is hard to find a better linebacking corps in the NFL with the Cowboys returning all four starters from the 2009 team. Four-time Pro Bowler (20062009) and three time All Pro Selection (2007-2009) DeMarcus Ware anchors not only the backers, but the defense as a whole, and has proven to be one of the most dominating players at any position in the NFL. Anthony Spencer showed his full potential in 2009 playing across Ware due in large part to staying healthy and starting every game for the first time in his career. Spencer had fed off of Ware well as an edge rusher getting to the quarterback with his team-best tackles for loss of nine, six sacks and 36 pressures. As long as coaches continue to game plan for Ware, Spencer should get plenty of opportunities to pressure the quarterback and cause havoc in the backfield. Five-time Pro-Bowler Keith Brooking and Bradie James anchor the inside of the linebacking corps. Brooking signed a three year contract with the Dallas in 2009 and showed no signs of slowing down while emerging as a vocal leader on the defense. The defensive secondary is going to play an extremely important role in the success of the defense as a whole because of a pass heavy NFC East. With proven veterans Eli Manning, Donavan McNabb, and highly touted first year starter Kevin Kolb in Philly, the secondary could be the difference between a playoff team and non-playoff team. Gerald Sensabaugh will start at Strong Safety with rookie Barry Church out of Toledo backing him up. Starting Free Safety Alan Ball is being inserted for the departed Ken Hamlin. Mike Jenkins seems to be the biggest turnover threat in the secondary accumulating five interceptions in 2009; however, Terrence Newman is the leader of the secondary entering his 8th year, all with Dallas. Orlando Scandrick will assume his role, as has been the case since his rookie season, in nickel situations.

by: Kris Boudreau “Voice Out West”

Special Teams will play an important part of the team’s success. David Buehler was a nice find last season and will not only continue his booming kickoff duties but will also handle field goal attempts. Gone are Nick Folk and Shaun Suisham and their inconsistencies. Sure preseason doesn’t have the same pressure as the regular season, but so far Buehler has proven his merit. Australian Mat McBriar returns as the punter. Last season, he had 38 punts downed inside the 20-yard line which was a club record. He is also responsible for holding the ball on field goals and extra point attempts. Felix Jones will take over on kickoff returns and Dez Bryant for punt returns. L.P. Ladouceur returns as the long snapper. Special teams are critical for field position and by doing their job well could be the difference maker in games.

Photo Courtesy: Sami Keinanen

13 I arrived in Dublin all wide-eyed and bursting with hope just as the cool winds of fall were blowing away the last bit of heat from the summer. As I skipped around this new city, I had no idea nor was I prepared for what lay ahead: the painfully cold winter, the bed bugs and substandard heat in hostels, the series of bad jobs and boyfriends, running out of money. Oh, how wonderfully intoxicating naivety and unrestrained hope can be! I’ll just be honest. I came to Dublin to drink. I’m Irish after all, and although they say Irish are drunks and English are snobs—which neither side will deny—I didn’t intend to guzzle down bottles of whiskey and pass out in the gutter. I wanted to experience the pub culture that my ancestors experienced, the civilized way, not the binge drinking, beer-funneling way of my underage college coeds. I wanted to drink but it was more than that. I wanted to do pub-crawls and walk on the cobblestone streets. I wanted to hear the street musicians play their particular style of Dublin blues. And I wanted to drink Guinness--which is really good for you by the way, due to the iron content--but it is definitely an acquired taste, especially since they serve it at room temperature. Not only did I acquire a taste for it, but it has been encoded into my DNA. Whenever I see Guinness on tap at a bar, I get excited even though it will most definitely be watered down. When I drink it, it brings me back to that special time when I was wandering around Dublin, practically broke, almost homeless and having the time of my life. I was staying at a hostel overlooking the Liffey, which is the river that runs through the center of the city. The locals joke that you can find your way home just by following the stink of the river. My guides home were the tower cranes that I later learned had been there, unused for the last 20 years,

hovering ironically over half-constructed structures. They even put Christmas lights on them. The Irish are world-renowned for being the worst carpenters, both in work ethic and workmanship, so the cranes on the horizon of the city are a constant reminder. I was sharing a bunk bed with a young woman from Australia. She had a job lined up and a place to stay, and me having none of those things I envied her. I was excited to finally be here, but I had that all too familiar feeling nagging at me, and it was getting stronger and stronger as the days passed by and my money began to dwindle: find a job or starve. But I still had some money left, so eating was first priority, and my hunger led me to a little convenience store across from Trinity College and to the best sandwich I’ve ever had. For a pound and a half, you get an enormous sandwich with buttered bread and all kinds of strange but delicious toppings. This was the Dublin sandwich and you could get it at any little corner bodega. These sandwiches kept me from starving, soothed my aching bones on the coldest winter days and cured the worst hangovers. To this day, I have been in search of such a miraculous sandwich, but none have even come close to the one I had in Dublin. The sandwiches are so amazing that I would travel back there just to have one and the Guinness would be an afterthought. My first Dublin sandwich calmed my fears and anxieties for the moment, but I still wasn’t ready to face the bulletin boards and classifieds. Just a few more days of exploring the city and then I would venture into the unknown abyss of the Dublin job market. To be continued...

by: Richard S. Pollak

“The Traveling Gourmet”

Y.O. RANCH: WILD ABOUT WILD GAME Long before anyone else in Dallas was even thinking about serving any fourlegged animals as an entrée that didn’t moo or oink, Y.O. Ranch founding Chef Matt Martinez was serving Venison, Buffalo, Pheasant, Quail, Elk and Frog Legs to a naive Dallas beef and pork culinary crowd. Today, internationallytrained Chef/Proprietor Tony Street extends that founding tradition bringing an impressive culinary heritage to the West End. His Texas culinary roots started in London at Gene Street’s famed Texas Embassy Cantina and traveled world-wide all the way to five star French kitchens.

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We started our Wild West dining experience with Louie’s Venison Roll Ups: bacon-wrapped Axis venison, jalapeño and smoked mozzarella, grilled and brushed with molasses Dijon dressing. Chef Tony then sent us a plate full of locally grown heirloom tomatoes with fresh goat milk mozzarella from Paula Lambert’s Mozzarella Kitchen. The atmosphere at the Y.O. Ranch is West Texas Rustic and comfortable with large private dining rooms for special events and an old time Saloon atmosphere for cocktails.

Land:

Our featured entrée was a platter full of wild game including Venison Chops with mushrooms and green peppercorn sauce and grilled sweet & spicy Quail in a Port wine plum sauce. The Buffalo Filet Mignon we scarfed down was featured on the Food Network. In Search Of… host Jim O’Connor said Y.O. Ranch’s steak

Y.O. Ranch Steakhouse 702 Ross Ave. • Dallas—75202 (214) 744-3287 www.yoranchsteakhouse.com was “the best he has ever eaten, with each cut perfectly cooked and dripping with flavor.” He also called the Y.O. Steakhouse “one of the nation’s finest.”

Sea:

Our Chilean Bass was superb. Normally, a steak house with over eight cuts of Prime Beef doesn’t fare well with fish, but Y.O. Ranch also has trout, lobster, shrimp and salmon for the non-carnivorous diner.

Drink:

The wine list is bold to stand up to all that game. Separated by OLD WORLD and NEW WORLD, the Y.O. wine list features popular half-bottle service. Some picks from the Blitz Weekly staff are Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin “Rosé,” Masi “Masianco” Pinot Grigio and Domaine Lafond “RocEpine” Rose Tavel.

Sides:

All of the side dishes were amazing, especially the Baked Sweet Potatoes and the Gouda Mac & Cheese, as crazy as it sounds for Christina and I to eat all side starches.

Desserts:

Chef Tony’s wife from Thailand, prepares all of the salads and a killer Banana Foster made of caramelized bananas in butter and brown sugar flambéed with Myers Dark Rum, Banana Liqueur and served with Henry’s Vanilla Bean Ice Cream.

The Bottom Line:

Y.O. RANCH Restaurant knows how to treat its wild game before or after a wild game at the American Airline Center, so stop on by!

Apple downsizes its mid-range iPod, but upsizes the awesomeness. At about half the size and weight of its predecessor, the iPod Nano 6 shrinks down and gets a new Multi-Touch display, a polished aluminum and glass enclosure with belt clip, and a built-in FM radio (with ability to pause and resume playing FM), a builtin pedometer and support for Nike + iPod. Your choice 8GB or 16GB sizes in silver, graphite, blue, green, orange or pink. Price: $149-$179

Have a need to carry an entire 12-pack into the backyard battle? Forget the big-pocketed cargo shorts and grab yourself a Hops Holster. This tactical drinking apparatus lets you carry 12 beers, Rambo-style, on your torso. Because you can never have enough PBR on hand. Price: $30

As with any Dremel tool, the new Dremel Trio is more than meets the eye. This handheld helper functions as a spiral jigsaw, edge sander and detail router, with features like a 90-degree pivoting handle for moving from horizontal to vertical surfaces in a flash, a speed range of 10,000 - 20,000 rpm, an on-board dust extraction attachment, and, since it is a Dremel after all, a whole line of accessories and attachments including a vacuum, a compact depth guide and a circle/edge guide. Cut through wood, plastic, drywall, metal, wall tile or use it to make your Thanksgiving turkey presentation that much more badass. Price: $100 by: David Goodspeed “A Heavy Foot and High Opinion”

Well, I did it. I drove the new Chevy Volt extended range electric vehicle that will be available later this year. What is it? In many ways it is similar to the current Toyota Prius Hybrid. It features a battery pack that powers an electric motor that turns the wheels to make the thing go. It has a combustion engine powered by gasoline that charges the battery pack when voltage drops too low. Where it differs from the current breed of hybrid electric vehicle is that the combustion engine does not propel the Volt at all – it is completely disconnected from the drivetrain. We were invited to Austin to get a little seat time in the Volt. The tester was still a pre-production unit and we were reminded that some things could be subject to change between now and initial launch late this fall. The Volt is built on a modified GM Delta global chassis (similar to that underneath the upcoming Cruze compact) and is a front-wheel drive four-seater with a hatch at the rear. The electric motor and the gasoline-powered generator are under the front hood and the new lithium-ion battery pack occupies the “transmission tunnel” running down the center of the vehicle front to rear.

The electric drive unit generates some 16 kWh of power or about 150 horsepower and some 273 lb. ft. of torque. That torque can certainly be felt with a firm press of the accelerator pedal. Almost silently and instantly, occupants are thrown back in their seating positions as if one were watching an action film with the volume turned way down. The range of the battery pack is said to be approximately 40 miles on a full charge. Speaking of charge, make friends with your electric provider or, better yet, install a windmill in the back forty. The Volt re-charges on either 110 or 220 volts AC. A charging cord is supplied and stows in the rear cargo floor. It plugs into any conventional 110v outlet and through a converter box supplies the battery with DC voltage through a charging port in the front left fender that is hidden by a second fuel filler door. When the battery reserve reserve drops too low while driving, the gas generator motor kicks on and starts sending electricity back to the pack. The range of the vehicle when including the generator motor is in the neighborhood of 300 miles. A small on-board fuel tank supplies the gas pow-

ered generator. Final capacity of this tank has not been released but is said to be in the eight to nine gallon range. Volt is not designed to be a long range vehicle. It is focused at those who drive less than 40 miles in a day, which is said to be quite a few of us. Total recharge times are estimated at around three hours when using 220v and at least eight hours on a 110 line. How does it drive? Pretty much like a hybrid vehicle running in full electric mode. Silent and peppy with a different brake and steering feel given they are controlled electronically instead of hydraulically. We did not get any highway time or high speed passes in the Volt, our course was limited to a closed mall parking lot. Pricing and exact release date is still to be determined and Volt will only be launched in select markets initially, with Austin among those.

Photo Courtesy: James D. Smith

Cowboys Annual Luncheon News By: Wally Lynn The Cowboys just put the wraps on their annual kickoff luncheon. For the first time, they had it at the new stadium with 2000 people on the field. Very cool. It lasted about two hours, but was a lot of fun. The award winners included… Offensive MVP Miles Austin Defensive MVP Jay Ratliff Ed Block Courage Award Kyle Kosier Legend Award Charles Haley I bumped into Haley and had a chance to visit with Barry Switzer, who presented Haley as the Legend Award winner. At 72 years old, he is still sharp as a tack. Sez he thinks Nebraska’s move out of the Big 12 makes the conference “anti climactic” ...and he was kind of sad over the fact that they are leaving. Funny Note: I was standing with Jerry, Wade, Tony Romo and Stephen Jones as they were presented one by one into the stadium. Me: “So Wade, what are you going to say?” Wade: “Oh I make it up as I go along.” Stephen Jones: “We will be scouring the waiver wire for a tight end and possibly other positions.” Jerry Jones on crying: “Yea that Susan Komen Foundation got to me yesterday. Not the first or last time I will cry over stuff. The Salvation Army stuff gets me every time too.”

JOKES

HORRORSCOPES

FUNNIES

Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails? A: To hide the valve stem!

Q: What is a criminal lawyer? A: Redundant. Q: What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? A: Beer nuts will cost you at least one dollar, while deer nuts are always under a buck. Q: What do girls and rocks have in common? A: Everyone skips the flat ones. Black Eyes A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.” The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?” “Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

ACROSS: 1. Flying honker 6. Construct 11. Deface 14. Use to one’s advantage 15. A small insectivorous American bird 16. President Lincoln 17. The process of giving birth 19. Law enforcement agency 20. Periods of discounted prices 21. Descendant 23. Dried grape 27. Buccaneer 28. One by one 32. Kinswoman 33. Imps 34. A scientific workplace 37. Drench 38. Outer or exterior 39. Wise men 40. N N N N 41. Smells 42. Adult females 43. Capable of winning favor 45. Loath 48. Come up with 49. Heavy pin

50. Bet 53. East southeast 54. Excitant 60. Not pro 61. Ganders and goslings 62. Express a thought 63. Paintings 64. Gray sea eagles 65. Increase DOWN: 1. A narrow opening 2. Egg cells 3. Paddle 4. Seat oneself 5. Difficult to detect or grasp 6. Wickedness 7. Ritual 8. Goddess of discord (Greek mythology) 9. Chief executive officer 10. These are often removed in childhood 11. A crime syndicate 12. Monastery head 13. French for “Queen” 18. Hindu princess 22. Bawl 23. Shampoo and _____

24. Negatively charged particle 25. Notions 26. Ill 27. Begged 29. Interior decoration 30. Far beyond the norm 31. Stop (nautical) 34. Female demon 35. Spy 36. Pig out 38. Border 39. Bit of dust 41. Performing 42. Soldier 43. Anger 44. Chilled 45. Betel palm 46. Eyeshade 47. Happening 50. At which time 51. Backside 52. Comes and ____ 55. Apiece 56. Resort 57. Three in Roman numerals 58. Autonomic Nervous System 59. C

18 by: Pat Moran

An Open Letter to Hangovers “Man on His Throne”

Dear Hangover,

I would ask how you are doing, but it’s pretty obvious that you are feeling smug and self righteous, lording over some poor sap who had the gall to go out and have a fun evening at the bar. You waited around, hiding in the shadows; ready to pounce. And once their eyes opened the next morning, you decided the best thing to do would be to share a splitting migraine and a wonderful need to vomit. Hangover, who the hell do you think you are? Huh? I’m getting sick and tired of having to deal with you every time I have one too many PBR’s. Yeah, I know, I have to drink some water after every drink and pace myself if I want to avoid you, but really, how stupid is that? Drinking booze is an absolute American pastime just like baseball, apple pie and over-drawn bank accounts and what this economy needs right now is for you to pack your bags and get on the first greyhound back to hell. Again, Hangover, it’s not me, it’s you. I want to have a good night without having to spend an entire day clutching porcelain. I want to be able to wake up and smile, remembering, holy sh!t, was that fun? But no. I can’t do that. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Not Your Friend, Pat P.S. - You can take your friend Drunk Goggles with you too.

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