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October 24 - 30, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7 october 24 - 30, 2012

n OD eck

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

Armstrong Stretches the Truth

I SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Jerry’s World 4 Big 12 Preview 5 SEC Preview 5 SMU Preview 5 UNT Preview 5 Crazy and Jerry 6 The High Price of Championships 6 World Series Preview 7 Mavs Season Preview 8 Cover Story 10 Sexiest Women (Not) Alive 10 - 11 BLITZ Entertainment Johanna 12 A History of Horror 13 6 Zombies You’d Rather Not Run Into... 13 Crave BW 14 Seven Psychopaths 15 Gearshift 16 Halloween Survival Gadgets 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Pocketful of Peens 18 The Answer Guy 18

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Creative Director Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Chuck Majors

n 2005, Lance Armstrong stood at Paris’ Champs-Elysees after his seventh Tour de France win and said: “The people who don’t believe in cycling, the cynics, the skeptics; sorry for you. You need to believe in these riders. I’m sorry you can’t dream big and I’m sorry you don’t believe in miracles.” Believing in miracles is never a stretch for sports fans, but keeping faith

Staff Writers Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Ethan Harmon, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller Contributing Photographers

Keith Allison, Matt Dixon, Joseph Dowling, Steven Doyle, Matthew Lynch, Sandy McAnally, Christina Metcalf, Posie Pockets, Dave Schlafman, Jose V. Vallejos Contributing Writers Cote Bailey, Arthur Bellfield, Jay Betsill, Steven Doyle, Stephen Evans, Jason Fleck, Scott Holub, Jan Hubbard, Martin Iheke

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Photo Courtesy: José (Pepe) Vásquez Vallejos in our heroes is a losing battle. This week the International Cycling Union will either affirm or appeal the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency’s 1,000-page report that lays out a case against Armstrong for systematic doping. If the allegations are deemed credible, medals and titles will be lost. He will also face potential

lawsuits from a London newspaper that he successfully sued for libel over doping claims; and a Texas indemnity company that rewarded him a $5 million bonus for winning consecutive Tour de France titles without doping; and the U.S. Justice Department may seek repayment of over $30 million in federal funds that financed his U.S. Postal Service cycling team. Over the past week sponsors have being doing their best to divorce themselves from the Armstrong/Livestrong brand. Many were quick to criticize Nike for allowing other troubled athletes, like Michael Vick and Tiger Woods to return to their good graces after contracts were ended. But remember you can indulge in any vice you want, but if that vice taints the presumed “sanctity” of sports, they will ‘Just Do It’ and shut you out. For fans, dealing with the disjoined image of the allegations versus who they knew Armstrong to be must be difficult. Trying to reconcile the image of your hero while at odds with the reports of bullying and his pathological upkeep of ego may cause the casual fan to rethink wearing those bright yellow bands with pride. This past Monday roughly 4,300 cyclists met in Austin to celebrate 15 years of fighting cancer under the LIVESTRONG charity. They sat poised at the start with yellow shirts and helmets tightened because their lives had been touched by cancer, not because the man who united them under one banner was there to speak. Those who have had to fight for their lives and their loved ones rode out of gratitude for the organization’s many good works and support over the years. In the coming months, we are going to learn more about the dark side of cycling than we ever cared to know. And in the end, I want to know why officials ignored three different suspicious drug test results. Was it because the governing body accepted donations from him and his organization? Or was it easier for us to believe the hype and embrace the legend of a cancer survivor doing the impossible? By far the most powerful drug at Armstrong’s disposal was his story. Believing in miracles and dreams was easy for us all when a local returns from 5,000 miles away as a champion.

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October 24 - 30, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7 Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

By Jay Betsill – @thefamousjay and Scott Holub – @cowboytrivia

Cowboys Get the ‘W’ Against the Panthers

“

Candidly, the win, to get out on the upper end of that score, was beautiful to me,” Jerry Jones said after the Dallas Cowboys 19-14 victory on the road against the Carolina Panthers. “There wasn’t one thing ugly about it to me.” Tony Romo threw for 227 yards and a touchdown and Dan Bailey had four field goals as the Cowboys defeated the Panthers for the ninth straight time in the regular season and snapped their two-game losing streak. Tailbacks Felix Jones and Phillip Tanner combined for only 74 yards on 28 carries. Jones was ineffective in the second half, when he gained only eight yards on seven carries. “You know that every week you’re either great or terrible -- or at least semi-terrible or semi-great,” Romo said. “What you find in this league is all you need to do is figure out how to get better and play your best football when it counts.” Rob Ryan’s defense played well, holding the Panthers to 112 yards rushing that included several scrambles by Panthers quarterback Cam Newton. Tailback Jonathan Stewart rushed for 35 yards on 10 carries, including one for a 20yard gain. In his return from a strained pectoral, linebacker Anthony Spencer had six tackles. “When you think about some of the adversity we’ve encountered this season, our focus remains on just getting better,” said Cowboys linebacker DeMarcus Ware. “We have been doing that, and this week being able to go out and close a game let us know that hey, we can do it.” The Cowboys committed penalties on the first three special teams plays, but nothing that they could not recover from as in early instances this season. Kicker Dan Bailey bounced back from missing the potential game-winner last week against the Baltimore Ravens, going 4-of-4 on field goals. Punter Brian Moorman had a net average of 49.3 yards on four punts that included two inside the 20 yard line.

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The Cowboys will host the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants this week. The Giants are 3-0 at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington and coming to town fresh off a comeback victory over the Washington Redskins. The winning drive was the 22nd of Eli Manning’s career in either the fourth quarter or overtime, his second this season and eighth over the past two seasons. Manning’s 77-yard pass to Victor Cruz with 1:13 to play gave New York a 27-23 lead and overcame a late touchdown pass by Redskins rookie quarterback Robert Griffin III. MORRIS CLAIBORNE GETS A PICK The Cowboys secondary hadn’t had an interception since Orlando Scandrick’s in the fourth quarter of the Nov. 20 win against the Redskins. That streak came to an end Sunday in Charlotte when rookie cornerback Morris Claiborne picked off Cam Newton to end the Panthers’ 74-yard drive. During the Dallas defensive back’s dry spell, linebacker Sean Lee had the Cowboys only interception. PHIL COSTA INJURED Cowboys center Phil Costa was carted off the field in the second quarter with his right leg in an air cast. Costa has a severely sprained right ankle with a partial dislocation and Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett said there is no timetable for his return. Ryan Cook replaced him in the lineup. Cook, who had a hamstring injury the last two weeks, was a game-time decision to play and had not practiced all week. “It looked very severe to me from where I was sitting, and when they bring the cart out and they immobilize it [and] all of those things,” Garrett said. “He’s a tough kid. When he came inside, it still looks like a pretty significant injury. We’ll monitor it day-to-day, but it looked really severe when it first happened.”

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7 october 24 - 30, 2012

North Texas

SMU SEC BIG 12 Game of the Week Game of the Week By Jason Fleck – jason.fleck@mavs.uta.edu

Double Dipping

his week Big 12 teams will be participating in two colossal games, not just one, that will have huge implications on both the National and Big 12 pictures. The first matchup will place No. 4 Kansas State against No. 15 Texas Tech. Kansas State keeps it going each and every week. After last

Photo Courtesy: Matthew Lynch

weekend’s win against West Virginia, they look absolutely unstoppable. They ran over a West Virginia team that had one of the best offenses in the nation and a QB who was looking like a lock for the Heisman and they went in and took the win with little or no resistance from the Mountaineers. They caused Geno Smith to throw his first two interceptions of the season and their quarterback Collin Klein took over the top spot as the Heisman favorite. Klein has done it all by being an underrated QB, before this season he was known more for his rushing than passing, but has come into his own and turned into a complete quarterback that is doing anything and everything to carry his team to the promise land. Before this week everyone was talking about Geno Smith, but Klein went into that matchup and threw for a career high 323 yards while accounting for seven of Kansas State’s touchdowns, four rushing and three passing. If he and the Wildcats keep playing the way they have been they will remain unbeatable. The primetime game will feature the No. 8 Oklahoma Sooners against the No. 5 Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Oklahoma has been running over everybody since their loss and have been looking like the Sooner team that was predicted to take the Big 12 title this year. They will take on the challenge of upsetting a surprising Irish team that has come out of nowhere to becoming one of the best teams in the nation. Notre Dame will feature the nation’s second ranked defense allowing only nine points per contest while Oklahoma has put themselves into the Top 5 offensively while also playing extremely tough defense. Oklahoma actually goes in as the favorite playing at home and playing as well as they have been recently. This looks to be a defensive battle where every score will mean so much. If Oklahoma can pull out the win they will shake up the BCS standings and put themselves in a great position to play in a BCS bowl. This game has so much on the line and neither team can afford a loss. Game Info: #5 NOTRE DAME vs. #8 OKLAHOMA SAT. OCT. 27 - 7:00PM / ABC OKLAHOMA MEMORIAL STADIUM

By Stephen Evans – comments@blitzweekly.com

Best in the SEC West

on’t look now but the Mississippi State Bulldogs are knocking on the Top 10 door. But does the resurgence of the Dogs, the surprise team in the SEC to date, reflect a meteoric rise or merely a beneficiary of a weak schedule? We’re about to find out. Mississippi State has run up an undefeated mark and a glitzy national ranking, but upon further review of the Bulldogs wins, it’s easy to see how things have gone so well in Starkville. Mississippi State’s wins have come against Jackson State, Auburn, Troy, South Alabama, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Middle Tennessee State. Entering this weekend, those foes have a combined record of 19-32 and are a combined 10-21 within their respective conferences. This week, the Bulldogs travel to Alabama. The good news is Mississippi State is 3-0 against teams from the state of Alabama this season. The bad news – this is the No. 1 ranked, defending national champion Alabama Crimson Tide on deck…in BryantDenny Stadium.

Mustangs Mean Green

Frank LaCosta – flacosta@blitzweekly.com

Back in the Saddle

Winning Old School Style

he Mustangs are back in the saddle after defeating the Houston Cougars last Thursday night 72-42. They went into halftime with a two-touchdown lead and then erupted for 31 points in the third quarter. It was a game in which the Mustangs never trailed. The game was also the last for the two teams as Conference USA opponents since both schools will join the Big East Conference next season. The Mustangs still need three more wins to become bowl eligible and that has to be the team’s goal with five games remaining on the schedule. QB Garrett Gilbert had more passing touchdowns (4) than interceptions (2) and completed 23 of 38 passes for 265 yards against Houston. The offensive line did their job in protecting Gilbert and finally opened up some

Game Info: #13 MISS. STATE vs. #1 ALABAMA SAT. OCT. 27 – 7:30PM / ESPN BRYANT-DENNY STADIUM

resh off of last Tuesday night’s primetime exposure on ESPN with a victory Coach McCarney knows that he still has a long way to go. The 30-23 victory over Louisiana-Lafayette could be the turning point that McCarney has been looking for. The Mean

Photo Courtesy: Sandy McAnally

Photo Courtesy: Joseph Dowling

In addition to its lofty ranking atop all major polls and the BCS, Alabama leads the nation in pass efficiency defense, rushing defense, scoring defense, and total defense and is third nationally in turnover margin. What’s not fair is Crimson Tide quarterback AJ McCarron also leads the nation in passing efficiency and the Tide ranks among the nation’s leaders in passing offense and scoring offense. Yes, this will pose a test for Mississippi State, which opened as a 24-point underdog. Despite the enormous obstacle before them, the Bulldogs can be credited for stepping up and meeting every challenge that has come before them this season. That is a victory in itself for Mississippi State, a regular bottomfeeder in the SEC. There is a reason why MSU head coach Dan Mullen’s name is mentioned for nearly every high profile head coaching position that comes open. With his work this season, don’t expect that to change any time soon. And if somehow, some way, he can get his Dogs out of Tuscaloosa with an elusive win over the defending champs, paint him the front-runner in Austin. And let the college football chaos begin.

running lanes for Zach Line. Line was back to his old self with 22 carries for 113 yards and found the end zone twice. The “Johnson and Johnson” receiving duo each had a great game with Darius Johnson leading the way with nine receptions for 110 yards and a pair of TDs. Jeremy Johnson followed suit with nine grabs of his own for 94 yards and a TD. The defense was the main reason for the victory. They forced nine turnovers and returned four of them for scores. They capitalized on the Cougars mistakes and were often at the right place at the right time. The Mustang defense still allowed the Cougars 560 total yards and five touchdowns. The defense still has a lot of work to do but June Jones will take his victory any way he can get it. Next up are the Memphis Tigers sporting a 1-6 overall record. After the Tulane debacle, June Jones and the team will not overlook the Tigers. Junior QB Jacob Karam is a pocket passer who does not make many mistakes. He likes to dink and dunk his way down the field. Jai Steib who hasn’t put up impressive numbers this season handles the running game. The Tiger defense has given up double-digit points in every game this season. Game Info: MEMPHIS vs. SMU SAT. OCT. 27 – 2:00PM / TW TEXAS GERALD FORD STADIUM

Green trailed at halftime 13-6 and had three unsuccessful trips in the red zone resulting in a pair of field goals and a turnover on downs. A few minutes into the third quarter UNT found themselves down 20-6. UNT rallied behind big scoring plays from RB Antoinne Jimmerson and WR Brelan Chancellor to knot the score at 20 a piece at the end of the quarter. UNT would take the lead on a Zach Olen field goal only to watch the Ragin’ Cajuns even the score with three minutes left in the game. Jimmerson stepped up and delivered a 78-yard touchdown catch and run for the game winning score moments later. It was a memorable night for Jimmerson who has become a difference maker for UNT. It was an old school victory for McCarney by playing ball control offense without any turnovers. They lined up and rushed the ball on 52 offensive plays. This opened up the passing game for the offense. QB Derek Thompson connected on 17 of his 28 attempts for 282 yards and a pair of TDs. WR Ivan Delgado led the team with five receptions and some key first downs. Antoinne Jimmerson performed well as an outlet receiver with two receptions for two TDs and 106 yards. The running game has morphed into a threeheaded beast with Brandin Byrd getting the bulk of the carries. However Jeremy Brown also had significant carries while Jimmerson is emerging as a nice third down back. This week UNT goes on the road to take on the Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders who are coming off a 45-3 beat down from Mississippi State. Prior to that loss their offense had put up some nice numbers. Logan Kilgore at QB, who has a rifle for an arm, leads them. Look for RB Jordan Parker to get the bulk of the carries. WR Anthony Amos is definitely Kilgore’s favorite target. This one could easily become a shootout. Game Info: UNT vs. MIDDLE TENNESSEE SAT. OCT. 27 – 2:30PM FLOYD STADIUM

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October 24 - 30, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7

The Reluctant Retirement of the NFL’s Most Powerful GM By Martin Iheke - miheke@gmail.com

f there is one problem the Dallas Cowboys franchise has right now, it is the gaping hole in their front office. A hole that in 31 other cities across the country is filled with individuals with varying degrees of football knowledge that are brought in to construct franchises. This position is aptly titled general manager (probably because they generally manage). Our current general manager happens to be none other than Jerral Wayne Jones, Sr. aka Jerry Jones. In most cities owners own teams and hire other people to run them – not true in the Big D, the city where our

owner does everything but paint the end zone and we are not entirely sure that he doesn’t do that as well. When the road gets rough for the Cowboys and you are reminded of why they haven’t seen the Promised Land in 16 seasons, you can complain about the current group of players and coaches like quarterback Tony Romo and head coach Jason Garrett all you want. At the end of the day, Jones steers the ship. Unfortunately it’s often into barrier reefs, monsoons and the occasional Kraken. Jerry loves to be in complete control of things. That is all he really knows. It is how he has become a very successful businessman and an owner in the NFL. The problem is that when it comes down to it he’s just not very good at running a franchise in the facet of being a GM. He is almost terrible at it. He doesn’t evaluate talent very well and almost breaks out into hives when head coaches like to do crazy things like coach the football team. Little Jerry was probably that kid in the sand box that beat you with the little plastic shovel if you tried to show him the best way to make a castle. There was a time when owners were owners and coaches were coaches here, 1989-1993 the beloved Jimmy Johnson era. It’s now a time that seems almost as mythical as unicorns or Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety. In those years Jimmy chose the players and coached the team and the Cowboys won, and they won a lot. But inevitably when those teams started turning it around, it was assumed that Johnson not Jones was the biggest

reason the success. You can be sure that that opinion didn’t sit well with a guy who is known to leave his owner’s box and stand on the sideline behind quarterbacks who don’t play well. After winning back-to-back Super Bowl titles, it was to the point that Jimmy and Jerry could no longer co-exist. Jimmy left and since then Jerry has reigned supreme over the day to day front office responsibilities of the Dallas Cowboys. The day of democracy was over and the almost endless night of tyranny began. The decision to part ways with Jimmy left the Cowboy faithful, including myself, baffled. How could you get rid of a coach who just won back-to-back Super Bowl titles? It was obvious why; Jerry could not stand not getting all the credit for the success. His record as GM would be resume suicide for any one else in the league. Jerry is too stubborn to admit that he has been a total failure as GM since Jimmy left in 1994. Sure they won one more Super Bowl, but shortly after that those great teams of the early to mid ‘90s started to erode in Greenlandic glacier proportions. Since the start of the 1997 season, the Cowboys record is 123-123 with only ONE playoff win. For one of the league’s most storied franchises, this is absolutely unacceptable. Now who is the only person that is currently with the Cowboys that has been here that long? You guessed it, Jerry Jones. If any GM around the league had this type of track record, he would have been given the proverbial heave-ho and would most likely be residing in Cleveland by now. Unfortunately for the Cowboys, the owner has chosen not to fire himself. At some point, Jerry is going to have to realize that being GM is not what is best for the team. There have been seven different head coaches under Jones since he bought the team in 1989. Before that, the Cowboys only had one, Tom Landry. This should tell all Cowboys fans something. Right now, everyone is mad at Garrett because of his inexperience as head coach which shows in the questionable play calling and horrible clock management. Everyone is mad at Romo because of his inability to get it done when it matters the most. That is fine and all, but everyone needs to look at the big picture. Garrett and Romo have not been with the Cowboys for the last sixteen years. It is time the media, locally and nationally as well some of the former players, start calling Jerry out for the terrible job he has done. Since he will not swallow his pride and fire himself as GM, I do not believe the Cowboys will win anytime soon and as a fan I hate to admit that. Based on his track record, I do not know how any Cowboys

The High Price of Championships: MLB Salaries, A-Rod and More By Jan Hubbard - comments@blitzweekly.com

ne of the more impressive athletic feats over the last few weeks was turned in by Alex Rodriguez, who demonstrated that no matter what the situation is, he is totally focused on getting laid. In Game 1 of the American League Championship series last week, Rodriguez was replaced in the eighth inning because of acute incompetence. In similar situations in the past, players have kicked walls, thrown bats, smashed water fountains and generally made a spectacle of their displeasure. Not A-Rod. After going 0-for-3 at the plate and leaving six runners stranded in a game the Yankees would not only lose 6-4 but also lose Derek Jeter to injury, Rodriguez tried to hit a home run with two women near the dugout, sending them a baseball and asking for their phone number. Presumably Rodriguez was shooting for something more uplifting than a platonic relationship. Here’s a guy on the fifth year of a $300 million contract not that interested in what’s happening on the field. But perhaps we should be more understanding. A man does have his needs. After going 2-for-16 against Baltimore and 1-of9 against Detroit, speculation is that Rodriguez is headed out of town. A number of publications h a v e

Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

quoted sources saying Miami has interest, despite Rodriguez hitting only .272 during the season. At age 37, he is obviously on the downside of his career. But someone will take Rodriguez and continue the shaky practice of employing severely overpaid players. The results on such endeavors are mixed. The Yankees have a roster full of expensive players and the most expensive payroll in baseball at $197 million. In one way, they got their money’s worth. Their 95 victories were the most in the American League this season. But in the ALCS, they were swept by the Tigers, who benefitted in part from signing free agent Prince Fielder to a nine-year, $214 million contract last off-season. If the Tigers win the World Series, it will be money well spent. But they have to win. Simply getting there is not a good payback – even though compared to the Angels, it is great. The Rangers’ main rivals in the West spent savagely, giving Albert Pujols a 10-year, $254 million deal and C.J. Wilson $77.5 million. The result? Third place in the AL West with no playoffs. Meanwhile, the Cardinals didn’t even miss Pujols, although it should be noted they are not exactly a team that doesn’t spend. St. Louis ranks ninth in the majors in total payroll at $110 million so the Cards are not opposed to paying huge money to their players. They simply took a stand that they weren’t going to make that sort of commitment to a 32-year-old player and although there is still ample time for the Angels’ investment to work out, it looks overdone about now. That is more often the case than not. Consider the Phillies and Red Sox. They had the Nos. 2 and 3 payrolls this season at $174 million and $173 million. Philadelphia finished with a .500 record and the Red Sox finished 24 games under .500. They were the most reckless spenders since Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne stumbled onto large cash in Dumb & Dumber. From a broad perspective, we do know that spending has paid off this year. The four teams in the two league championship series were all among the top nine in payrolls. Interestingly, the other six teams that made the playoffs were all in the bottom half of the league in payrolls – Atlanta (16), Cincinnati (17), Baltimore (19), Washington (20), and Oakland (29). So this year at least, it paid to be a big spender. But you look at some of those deals – Pujols, Jose Reyes ($100 million in Miami) and A-Rod – and the production hardly seems worth the money. With all due respect to A-Rod’s considerable seductive skills, if you’re going to pay guys outrageous money, you’d rather have them scoring on the field instead of off it.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7 october 24 - 30, 2012

World Series Preview Tigers, Giants match stellar pitching staffs By Mark Miller - mmillar@blitzweekly.com

Strange Days Baseball Weirdest October Moments The Buckner Curse October 25, 1986 Game 6 of the Fall Classic saw the birth of one of the most infamous screw-ups of all time, the Buckner Bumble. The Red Sox nation will never forget the error heard ‘round the world. Bug Out October 5, 2007 The Indians and Yankees were in Game 2 of the ALDS when bugs straight out of the book of Exodus descended upon the field. It was so bad that then manager Joe Torre asked for the game to go on Bug Delay. Shake State October 17, 1989 The Loma Prieta earthquake interrupted the World Series between the Giants and the A’s. Because of the game it became the first major quake in the U.S. to be on live TV.

o how are the Detroit Tigers and San Francisco Giants, neither with even the second-best regular-season records in their respective leagues, playing in the World Series? In a word, pitching, especially starting pitching. Consider the following statistics: • Detroit’s Justin Verlander captured the 2011 American League Cy Young Award while San Francisco’s Tim Lincecum won it in the National League in 2008 and 2009. Verlander also was the American League’s most valuable player last year. • Verlander threw no-hitters in 2007 and 2011. Teammate Anibel Sanchez did the same with Florida in 2006 while San Francisco’s Matt Cain had a perfect game on June 13. • Detroit ranked third in the American League with a 3.75 earned run average and has shined in the post-season with a 7-2 record and 1.69 ERA. • San Francisco was fifth in the National League at 3.68 and gave up just one run in its final three games against the St. Louis Cardinals in the league championship series. • Want more? Verlander has won his last seven games including the post season with a 0.69 earned run average. Teammate Max Scherzer went 16-7 with a 3.74 ERA and was 6-1 with a 1.77 ERA in his final nine regular season starts. Though he was 10-10 with a 3.45 ERA overall, Doug Fister was 8-3, 2.51 after the All-Star Break.

• Cain had a 16-5 regularseason record and 2.78 ERA. Ryan Vogelsong was 14-9, 3.37, Madison Bumgarner 16-11, 3.37 and Barry Zito 15-8, 4.08. The main question mark for Detroit is its bullpen, especially closer Jose Valverde who has yielded seven earned runs in 2.1 innings this postseason. San Francisco’s Sergio Romo has given up just one run in 7.1 innings after emerging from the pack with 14 of 15 save opportunities in replacing the injured Brian Wilson. Based on all these numbers, don’t be surprised if the 2012 Fall Classic that begins Wednesday in San Francisco is low scoring. Offense no slouches While pitching dominates, the teams have enough offense to be dangerous. The Tigers feature third baseman Miguel Cabrera, the first Triple Crown winner in 35 years with a .330 average, 44 home runs and 139 runs batted in and first baseman Prince Fielder, who added 30 HRs and 108 RBI plus a .308 average. Detroit also includes center-fielder and Denton native Austin Jackson (.300, 16, 66) and leftfielder Delmon Young (.267, 18, 74). For the Giants, catcher Buster Posey returned to

his 2010 form with 36 homers, 103 RBI and a .336 average after missing most of 2011 with an injury. Third baseman Pablo Sandoval (.283, 12, 63) and second baseman Marco Scutaro (.362 average in 61 games after coming over from Colorado) provide additional spark. Scutaro had a record six multi-hit games in the N.L. Championship series to help the Giants overcome a 3-1 deficit and beat the defending World Series champion Cardinals. That followed a league division series where San Francisco won three straight after losing the first two to Cincinnati. Managers Both Detroit’s Jim Leyland and San Francisco’s Bruce Bochy are seeking their second World Series titles in their third attempts. Bochy lost to the Yankees 4-0 with the San Diego Padres in 1998 and beat the Texas Rangers 4-1 in 2010. Leyland won with the Florida Marlins in 1997 in a 4-3 thriller against the Cleveland Indians and lost 4-1 to the St. Louis Cardinals in 2006. Prediction Because the Tigers have had five days off after sweeping the New York Yankees in the A.L. Championship Series and the Giants used so much energy against the Cardinals, look for Detroit to win the 2012 World Series in six games.

GODD*MMITT BARTMAN October 14, 2003 In the eight inning of Game 6 of the NLCS it finally looked as if the lowly Cubs were finally going to break a curse that had started in 1908 – well that was until the world was introduced to Steve Bartman. The life-long Cubs fans accidently deflected a fly ball and sent the team into a tailspin causing them to lose the game, then the series. Bowling For Zimmer October 11, 2003 Roger Clemens’ high and hard pitches to Manny Ramirez during the 2003 ALCS prompted one kooky moment in sports history when a bench clearing brawl broke out. The Yanks and the Red Sox melee took a turn for the hysterical when 72-yearold Yankee bench coach attacked Pedro Martinez and Pedro tossed the grandfatherlike gladiator to the ground. Say it Ain’t So October 9, 1919 The White Sox and Reds had just completed a World Series that will live on in infamy. The Chicago team, which included Shoeless Joe Jackson, had successfully handed over professional baseball to the mob by throwing the World Series in exchange for $10,000 each.

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October 24 - 30, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7

2012 Dallas Mavericks Season Preview

he Dallas Mavericks ended last season getting swept by the much younger Oklahoma City Thunder. It seemed that all the clutch end of the game sequences that the 2011 title team was known for was gone. Whispers around the team suggested a better than average chance of landing Deron Williams that failed to happen. The Deron sweepstakes didn’t come true this summer but the Dallas Mavericks have set themselves up with a talented and dangerous cast heading into next season. Placing that number two All-Star, a Robin next to Dirk Nowitzki turned out to be a mirage but Mark Cuban and the Mavs have set themselves up nicely to compete next season and have flexibility for the summer of 2013. In fact, the Mavericks have the youngest roster they’ve had in the last four seasons averaging 28 years, 116 days. Despite failing to nab a true superstar to help Dirk ride into the sunset, the Mavericks have set themselves up very nicely with a roster full of one-year contract mercenaries. O.J. Mayo, Chris Kaman, Darren Collison and Elton Brand represent a great roster especially since it was put together on the fly this offseason. This Mavericks team doesn’t possess the talent or pedigree of the Los Angeles Lakers in the West, but the Mavs do have a great core. New Faces: Darren Collision Collision will try and fill the shoes of Jason Kidd playing the primary role of shot creator. The former Indiana Pacers point guard lost his starting spot late last season. Of all of possibilities of redemption stories for the Mavericks heading into the season, Collison’s may be the steepest. He’s got a roster full of new faces that have yet to really log that many minutes together. The emphasis in Rick Carlisle’s system will be on Collison’s speed and quickness and praying he finds holes on both ends of the court.

By Geoff Case - gcase@blitzweekly.com

order for Dallas to truly contend in the upcoming season, Mayo must prove to be a consistent scorer and shot creator. With the departure of Jason Terry, Mayo will have to fill the Robin to Dirk’s Batman role. At just 24-years-old and with plenty to prove, there is enough smoke to believe that there might be a potential fire here. O.J. Mayo might be poised for a breakout season. Chris Kaman Kaman has an opportunity in Dallas to become the secondbest center in franchise history. Kaman played with Dirk on the German National Team and that combo is something that Dallas is counting on to be one of the team’s biggest strengths this season. However, Kaman must stay healthy and play a majority of the season (70 games) – something the seven-footer has accomplished just four times in his nine-year NBA career. Kaman has proved more than capable throughout his career of being a key cog if he can stay on the court and we’ve seen the rewards of the Dirk/

O.J. Mayo After breaking out in a starting role with the Memphis Grizzlies team in his first two seasons, Mayo begrudgingly accepted the sixth man role during the 2010-2012 seasons. His numbers took a dive as the sixth man, but he is now penciled in as a starter once again in 201213 for the Mavericks. Mayo has the opportunity to prove that he has the ability to be a productive starter on a playoff team. Something people have questioned since his arrival in the league. In Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Kaman combo in international play. His ability to knock down open jumpers and grab tough boards will play a huge role in whether the Mavericks will be a true contender this season. Key Departures: Jason Kidd, Jason Terry, and Brendan Haywood The Mavs will have to replace Terry’s scoring and Kidd’s court awareness. Baskets will come harder this season and from different areas of the court. Key Questions: Can the new look Mavs keep the boat afloat until Dirk makes his return?

marksmanship will play a big part, and Rick Carlisle with help some with stellar coaching adjustments but the Mavs will struggle to begin this season. The real question is whether they can keep the squad above .500 to start the season. Are the Mavericks a true contender?

The championship in 2011 still sets the bar in Dallas despite regressing this past season with the noticeable loss of defensive stalwart in the middle Tyson Chandler. Now, the Mavericks have reloaded and are looking to be legitimate contenders once again in the retooled Western Conference. That’s going to be easier said than done with a bevy of top heavy teams littered throughout the conference. Notably the Lakers, Thunder and the Spurs.

Dirk Nowitzki, who just underwent arthroscopic surgery on his bothersome (swelling) right knee will keep him out for six weeks. Dirk is Dallas is banking on already at 43,595 comeback seasons from career minutes and players like Mayo, he’ll be asked to Collison and lead the reformed Kaman with Dallas Mavericks hopes that right back into the playing in championship a contract hunt another year will time during harvest the the 2013-14 best from each season. Larry of these players. Bird played The Mavericks 41,329 minutes have put together in his career, a quality team combining but chemistry and playoff and health will be major postseason totals if that factors in defining the gives you any indication of ceiling for the squad. They how durable and effective should make the playoffs after the big German has been for Dirk returns and will be a tough Art Courtesy: Dave Schlafman this franchise. team to outfox in a seven games series. After 2011, that might be all that the Dirk is the team’s best player and the squad’s Mavs fans need to hear. schemes and spacing come as a result of the attention paid to its best player from that high elbow. It’s true that Chris Kaman’s perimeter

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7 october 24 - 30, 2012

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10 sexiest 10

October 24 - 30, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7

Selena

On the list because: She was Billboards Best Selling Latin Artist of the 90s and her legacy remains almost 20 years later. How she died: At 23 years old the gorgeous Texas-born songstress’ life was cut short by the hands of the president of her own fan club.

WOMEN I not I

ALIVE

It’s Halloween so why the hell not make a list of some of the hottest zombies out there?

By Blitz Weekly Staff - @BlitzWeekly

Marilyn Monroe

On the list because: Besides having the attention of every man with a pulse due to being the hottest woman on the planet, Monroe also was married to Jumping Joe DiMaggio and “allegedly” shagging the president. How she died: The blonde that gentlemen preferred slipped into the great beyond in 1962 at 36 years old after an apparent suicide from a barbiturate overdose.

Anna Nicole Smith

On the list because: She was the 1993 Playmate of the Year…and pretty hot a couple of other times too. How she died: The troubled beauty was found dead at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel at 39 years old from a drug overdose.

Sharon Tate

On the list because: Check her out in The Fearless Vampire Killers and you’ll see why the Dallas-born knockout is here. How she died: The pregnant Golden Globe nominated actress was murder in a horrific stabbing by the Manson family.

Jayne Mansfield

On the list because: She was beautiful plus being known as the “Queen of Sex and Bosom” gets you on the list automatically. How she died: The “Working Man’s Marilyn Monroe” untimely demise at the age of 34 came as a result of a car accident.

Aaliyah

On the list because: Besides going Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7 october 24 - 30, 2012

platinum with every album that she had ever put out, “Baby girl” was regarded as one of the hottest women in music. How she died: The five-time Grammy nominated songstress died in plane crash in the Bahamas.

Whitney Houston

Brittany Murphy

On the list because: The lovable actress was as hot as she was cool and playing Luanne in King of the Hill makes her a legend in Texas. How she died: This outgoing girl’s life was interrupted by pneumonia and severe anemia in 2009 at the age of 32.

On the list because: Before her substance abuse problems of the 2000s, Whitney’s greatness was undisputable. How she died: The most awarded female act of all time’s life came to an end with the accidental combination of several drugs. She was 48 years old.

Lindsay Lohan Amy Winehouse

On the list because: While her time with us was short, her effect was immeasurable due to her larger than life persona. The tattoo-sporting, harddrinking Brit will forever be a legend. How she died: The holder of the UK’s bestselling album of the century (Back to Black) went to the great rehab in the sky at the tender age of 27 as a result of alcohol intoxication.

Aw c’mon you all were thinking it…

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7

WE ‘VE GOT

BEST

HAMBURGER! — READER’S CHOICE POLL DMN

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QUICKLY BECOMING FAMOUS LATE NITE MENU ON THUR - FRI - SAT AFTER 10PM See more of Johanna and others at Blitzweekly.com Model: Johanna Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs / www.darrylbriggs.com Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Johanna

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7 october 24 - 30, 2012

A Horrible History Lesson

s the month of October enters its final days, a craze runs rampant throughout the streets. Carved pumpkins are illuminated with candles and placed on display on porches. Sinister depictions of monsters, spirits, and evil creatures are etched into the front of houses, creating a fitting atmosphere for the chilly weather. And to top off the madness, candy is purchased and stockpiled and bizarre costumes are worn to celebrate the end of the month. Of course, I’m talking about Halloween, the strange holiday that forces any and all to dress as some sort of fantastical creature, knock on doors around the neighborhood, and receive mountains of sugar-filled treats. It’s a harmless, fun holiday for families, and one that is celebrated every year. But the idea of Halloween is a bit strange, isn’t it? Costumes and candy just because it’s October does not make a lot of sense. As it turns out, there is a story behind this wacky holiday. Halloween’s origins date back roughly 2000 years ago. The Celtics, who lived in what is now Ireland, the United Kingdom, and Northern France, celebrated their new year on November 1st. The day was a sign that the seasons of

harvest were at an end and the winter was soon approaching. Because the winter season was associated with death, the Celtics believed that lingering spirits would be present. So, the night before the New Year (October 31st), the Celtics held the festival of Samhain. Sources detailing the activities of the festival vary. Some say that food and drink were laid out as offerings to either help passing spirits or ward them off. Others believe that makeshift costumes were donned. All sources seem to agree that bonfires were ignited and fortunes were told. The Celts were eventually completely conquered by the Roman Empire. The Romans combined two of their traditional celebrations – Feralia, a late October festival commemorating the dead, and Pomona, a day of celebration for the goddess of fruit and trees – with the

By Ethan Harmon - eharmon@blitzweekly.com Samhain festival. Eventually, Christianity spread throughout the lands, but the church did not like the Pagan roots of the Samhain festival, so All Saints Day was established (originally on May 13th) and moved to November 1st. The idea of All Saints Day was to praise the dead Christian saints and martyrs. The day was also known as All Hallows or All Hallowmans. Samhain was still practiced in amongst small groups, and because the day came one day prior to All Hallows, it was dubbed All Hallows Eve. November 2nd was eventually declared All Souls Day, which would start a familiar tradition. The poor would go door to door and ask for food, drink, or money. In return, prayers for the family’s departed would be shared. In the American colonies, Halloween was not widely celebrated. Small pockets of

villages would celebrate certain customs. Some events, called “play parties,” became common. These parties involved singing, dancing, and fortune-telling. The holiday was not widely received in the U.S. until the mid-1800s when many Irish immigrants arrived to escape famine, bringing their traditions with them. Eventually, the traditions became secular, community-centered events. After years and years of the celebration, myths and stories were added to the legend of the holiday, creating many of the popular staples and traditions that we are accustomed to. Of course, the idea of this holiday is not so much of a celebration of the dead, but more of a family-oriented holiday that everyone can enjoy together. But, it is to be noted, that very old themes are still present in Halloween today: costumes, door-to-door receiving, festive song and dance (parties). Of course, the holiday is nowhere close to what it used to be, and that is due to its long history of being passed between cultures and combined with other celebrations. Regardless, when it comes down to the core, this holiday should be celebrated with friends and family. Remember its roots, but also go have fun! Trick-or-treat!

Photo Courtesy: Matt Dixon

6 Zombies you don’t want to run into... when the sh!t hits the fan

By Cote Bailey - comments@blitzweekly.com

hould the night of the zombie apocalypse happen to fall on us this Hallow’s Eve here is my personal list of reanimated corpses you may want to steer clear of – in keeping that we are using the logic that zombies are able to keep the physical attributes that they possessed while living…because you know the belief in reanimated corpses roaming McKinney Ave. for a mobile meal is completely logical. Totally.

Zombie Bruce Lee If you are in a dark alley and you see the undead Dragon creeping out of the mist, aboutface and run like hell because there is nothing like a spinning roundhouse kick to the face before your brains get chewed out.

Zombie Troy Polamalu Just give up. You won’t get away. He will catch you, hit you and eat you, but you will become protein for his luxurious Z-fro.

Zombie Steve Jobs If you happen to escape him he will undoubtedly come up with a way to catch and devour you in 8 bites, 16 bites, 32 bites or the more economical 64 bites.

Zombie Bane While living, the guy could snap Batman’s back like a KitKat bar so you may want to think twice before trying to go all Walking Dead on his ass.

Zombie Clint Eastwood God help you if there are any chairs around…that would make his day. This zombie will most likely skip the good and get straight to the bad and ugly.

Zombie Elvis The bad news for you is that The King was known to have one heck of an appetite and have mesmerizing hip gyration…two things that I’d want no part of, no siree!

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7

By Steven Doyle - www.cravedfw.com

aking a cue from nature we seek out a room with a view this week and discover some of the best patios in Dallas to enjoy our favorite brew or to dine al fresco. Food just seems to take on an elevated flavor when dining outdoors. This is why those Ballpark hot dogs you burn on a camping venture never go to waste. There are many options for great patios in Dallas and we have the list.

you will enjoy dining and libations poolside as you oversee the lights of the city. Experience the best view of downtown Dallas and the Vegasstyle neon of the Omni. What to wear: Anything goes, including your favorite bikini

Lee Harvey’s: The patio at Lee Harvey’s is expansive with a slight sense of prison camp, but once you settle in to hear the latest band playing you can sip one of the requisite dive bar selections of beers. There are plenty of picnic tables scattered outside, and when the evening takes on a slight chill they provide fire pits. Don’t forget that Lee Harvey’s has a fantastic burger and street-style tacos. What to drink: Canned PBR

BarBelmont: Located above the front desk at the Belmont Hotel in West Dallas, the BarBelmont has another amazing view of Dallas from the highest point in the county. The patio is now screened in for year round enjoyment. This is a fantastic spot to enjoy après dining at one of the top restaurants in Dallas, Smoke. Who to bring: First date for top romance factor

Katy Trail Ice House: There is a reason why this ice house sells more booze than any other bar in the state. The location is killer for people watching, staggering bouts with an amazing beer selection on tap, and the burgers. The patio scene here is off the chain good. What to eat: The best kept foodie secret in Dallas Is Katy Trail’s BBQ they serve up only on the weekend. NYLO Dallas Southside: This is the latest entry in to the patio world as the NYLO just recently had their grand opening. Located next to the Southside on Lamar, the rooftop bar is where

Del Frisco Grille: This baby Del’s is located on McKinney Avenue and is ripe with action. The drinks are pretty awesome, and the food is more relaxed than the steakhouse. The balcony bar opens up to an airy patio that oversees McKinney Avenue’s frenetic energy, and sports a fire pit that spans across the walls to keep things warm in the winter.

Photo Courtesy: Steven Doyle

How to drink: Kilt Lifter which is Hendrick’s Gin, St-Germain, splash of Tabasco, and a squeeze of lemon Sundown at the Granada: We love this newish patio because it is large and comfortable. The upstairs bar serves crazy good drinks that are not pretentious in price. Starting October 25 the bands that played at the Granada will be playing at Sundown… for free. Check out their website for more information. What to listen to: Austin Indie band Rocketboys play at 11pm for free on the patio October 26 Sisu Uptown Resort: This is the latest poolenhanced patio to arrive in Dallas. This is the latest hot spot to hang on a Sunday afternoon and sip margaritas while working on your Fall tan, or hiding away in one of the many private cabanas. The food is light, the drinks are heavy handed. This place is ripe for mixing it up with the opposite sex. Located across from the Crescent on Maple. What to eat: Pork belly sliders

Photo Courtesy: Steven Doyle Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

CRAVEdfw

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7 october 24 - 30, 2012

Seven Psychopaths Review By Ethan Harmon - eharmon@blitzweekly.com

ndependent films have a very love-it-or-hate-it relationship with audiences. Movies like The Master and Arbitrage score big with critics, but let-downs like Killer Joe leave a bad taste in the mouth, making viewers wonder if they should see another indie-affair. Because of the questionable nature of the indie genre, and the mass appeal of the more mainstream titles, most will likely flock to the cheap scares of Sinister instead of giving into curiosity and watching Seven Psychopaths, which would be a huge mistake. In this twisted dark comedy, Marty (Colin Farrell) is a recently dumped, alcoholic screenwriter who is attempting to write his latest and greatest script, titled “Seven Psychopaths.” There is only one problem: he only has the title. Realizing that his pal is running into a bit of writer’s block, best-friend and dog-napper Billy (Sam Rockwell) attempts to help with the process, suggesting some psychos to add into the story. But things become too crazy when Billy snatches the wrong dog, placing mad gunman Charlie (Woody Harrelson) on their trail. Scared and on the run, Marty alongside Billy and fellow dog-thief Hans (Christopher Walken) try to figure out their situation while writing the perfect

ending to the screenplay. A movie as crazy, surreal, and hilarious as this could only come from the mind of writer/director Martin McDonagh. Layering the film with some very humorous – and at some moments, very dark – situations, McDonagh has crafted one of the most enjoyable films that has been released this year. The director has a clear story in mind, and he creates it with ease by setting up fantastic, emotional scenes throughout the film. This movie succeeds not only because of its story, however. The starpower from each actor is what truly makes this film shine. Colin Farrell plays his role

well, making Marty the most relatable, rational character present. But it is Sam Rockwell who steals each and every scene. He plays Billy with

RIP Big Tex...for now

y now everyone knows the cataclysmic bookmark in the story of Big Tex’s life, so I won’t address the obvious. But what I will touch on is my own personal experience with the tallest Texan. Being a recent Dallas transplant I didn’t know Tex as intimately as some. My first State Fair experience was a mere year ago and like most foreigners (i.e., anyone not from Texas) the ten-gallon hat, Dickie suit donning, 52-foot tall edition to the Cotton Bowl skyline struck my curiosity to say the least. Sure it was a bit peculiar or dare I even say strange, but Tex was so much more than fiberglass; he was Dallas’ own Colossus of Rhodes. There in that place as so many before me, while tasting my first ever Corny Dog, I got a first hand glimpse of the power of Big Tex. From the dozens of impromptu awkward family portraits taken in his shadow to seeing any children within my line of sight reciprocate

Photo Courtesy: Christine Metcalf

gusto, creating a very psychotic, funny, witty, and charming individual. His “proposal” for the screenplay’s ending is one of the funniest and most memorable moments in the film’s 110 minute runtime. Christopher Walken is great as, well, Christopher Walken. It’s not something that hasn’t been seen before, but he still pulls off his scenes with flair. Small moments with Woody Harrelson and Tom Waits (the bunny-petting Zachariah) are fun, if not totally gruesome. Seven Psychopaths is not your typical comedy romp. It is not full of lame jokes or cheap gags. It is, however, an adult, dark comedy with very humorous scenes, meta references, surreal storytelling, gory confrontations, all centered around an A-list cast. Ditch the regular movie-going experience and take a trip on the wild side. Go see Seven Psychopaths, but first, make sure your dog is safe. You don’t want Billy or Hans to take it.

By C. Patterson - comments@blitzweekly.com

the waves of the protector of the Midway every time a Hoooowwwdeee could be heard. Tex had in my mind, in that short time, made that pivotal transition from a character to a symbol – He was more than just entertainment, he was substance. No, he wasn’t as entertaining as Batman or as eloquent as a Shakespearean hero, but he was a symbol nonetheless. His presence gave comfort and his absence brought grief. Are those not the attributes of someone great? And make no mistake about it

Tex was a someone and not a something. With all the hoopla that has surrounded Big Bird in recent weeks, I can’t help but think Tex, in Texas at least, merits the same respect especially being 17 years and 43-feet and eight inches greater than the lovable yet persecuted winged one. How many children have waved at the Fair’s biggest friend only to grow up and watch their children wave at Tex with those same eyes that embody the emotion of wonderment? My guess would be more than enough to make him immortal. Stronger than steel, faulty wiring and flames, because even when forged through the fire Tex remains taller than ever in our minds and in our memories. Tex, you’ll be a giant again soon. See you in 2013.

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7

Gearshift: 2012 Subaru Outback Aussie-some

f I were told today to choose only one vehicle that I would drive for the rest of my life – not knowing what the rest of my life would entail – that vehicle might very well be a Subaru. And tempted as I would be to pick something like the WRX STi or BRZ, in the end my decision would probably be the Outback. Billed as the “world’s first sport utility wagon,” the Subaru Outback offers a range of features that would cover most driving situations I might be faced with in the future. Perhaps my being an Eagle Scout tilts my decision towards that of “being prepared” or maybe my age is telling me to weigh all possibilities and trust instincts based largely on experience. Either way, I think I would prefer the Subaru Outback, a sort of “Swiss Army knife on wheels.” I recently spent time with the latest edition of the now fourth-generation model outfitted with the 173hp 2.5-liter four-cylinder horizontally opposed “boxer” engine backed by CVT gearbox with steering wheel paddle shifters. (Those of you preferring to handle the gearshifts yourself can opt for a manual slushbox behind the 2.5 engine.) And, being a Subaru, of course

By David Goodspeed - dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com

there is the symmetrical all-wheel drive that I (and so many others) love so dearly. Seems every time I receive a Subaru model from the press fleet squadron I go out of my way to find driving conditions that would trip up most daily drivers but Subies always manage to shine like a new penny. Getting back to the recent 2013 Outback tester, we enjoyed all the amenities afforded by the Limited package it arrived in. This includes leather seating, dual-zone climate control, Bluetooth connectivity, XM Satellite radio, 17-inch alloy wheels, power moonroof and the outstanding harman/kardon 440-watt nine-speaker audio system. Outback models still have only two rows of seating but five adults will ride in comfort in this vehicle. This is the roomiest Outback ever and rolls on a very stable platform that is scarily smooth and well balanced. It also features some of the best ground clearance in anything closely resembling a wagon. Road manners are always minded and the new Outback provides one of the most comfortable driving experiences of any utility-something on the road today.

The powertrain combination is deceptively smooth four a four-banger and fuel economy is a very acceptable 24 mpg city and 30 mpg highway. All things considered though I still would rather opt for the 3.6-liter boxer six that Subaru offers on this platform, gladly trading the added “oomph” for a few ticks off the gas gauge. Perhaps the biggest news in the 2013 Outback is the debut of the Subaru’s new EyeSight driver assist system that integrates adaptive cruise control, pre-collision warning and braking and lane departure warning. A pair of forward-looking cameras straddling the rearview mirror feed information to a computer to identify vehicles, obstacles, and traffic lanes and below 19 mph will even bring the vehicle to a complete stop if the driver fails to brake

Photos Courtesy: Subaru

in time. Another cool function of the Eyesight system is alerting the driver when heavy traffic in front begins to move again and the driver is not reacting accordingly and will also reduce throttle response when it detects the vehicle approaching upcoming traffic too quickly and the gas pedal is still being pressed. Pretty cool stuff if I do say so myself. Pricing for the 2013 Subaru Outback 2.5i Limited we tested begins at 29 grand and change with our test model rolling in at $33,830 thanks to the added option package that includes voiceactivated nav, power moonroof, and EyeSight. If I were told the Subaru Outback would be the last car I would ever drive I would not be disappointed, not one bit.

.com Crovel Tactical Shovel, crowbar, axe, steel pick, and saw all in one…looks like it won’t be such a long wait until dawn after all. ($110)

Halloween Survival Gadgets

Cold Steel Gunstock War Club Show those ghouls and goblins that you ain’t screwing around by plunging a three-inch tall carbon steel blade right into their cranium. ($28)

Manticuda Knife A knife with a pistol style grip to help you jab, poke and slice your way to safety. Think of it as your zombie bayonet. ($275)

….chop chop edition Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Innovation Factory IF-221 Trucker’s Friend AllPurpose Tool The purpose for that night will be bashing the skulls of whatever looks like it came to eat you. ($50)

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7 october 24 - 30, 2012

Q: Why did the leper crash his car? A: He left his foot on the accelerator. Q: What’s brown and sits on a piano bench? A: Beethoven’s First Movement. Q: What do gay kids get for Christmas? A: Erection Sets.

The Silver Thermos A blonde was shopping and came across a silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. “That’s a Thermos,” the clerk said. “It keeps some things hot and some things cold.” “Wow,” said the blonde. “That’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!” So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. “What do you have there?” he asked. “Why, that’s a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied. Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?” The blond replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”

Q: What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market? A: Morning ladies!

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Your hopes of aging with grace and dignity will be cast aside when you celebrate your birthday this week. Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 All the prayers in the world can’t save you now. It’s time to turn to voodoo before it’s too late. Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You have the uncanny ability to bring out the best in your local police and fire departments.

Blitz Funnys

A TOUCHY FEELY KIND OF GUY Running for a school board seat in Granite, Utah, Richard Wagner Jones told reporters in June of 2012, since his job would mainly be about taxes and budgets, he would not be required to visit schools directly. And that’s a good thing, considering Jones was a registered sex offender barred from schools. BLACK MARKET THEM AS MANIKINS? On Sunday night, October 14, 2012, German thieves stole three vans. So, what makes that unusual news? Under the headline “Car Thieves Stole My Mother’s Body,” Berlin’s Bild newspaper

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 All of your hard work and dedication will finally pay off this week when you’re accepted to the University of Phoenix. Going to school in your pajamas is mandatory. Pisces February 19 – March 20 The little voices you hear in your head are making things difficult on who you should shoot first. Aries March 21 – April 19 Your dream of a three-way will come to fruition when you receive not one, but two inflatable dolls in the mail this week.

reported one of the vans, originally en route to a crematorium, had disappeared containing 12 coffins and 12 corpses. NO KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN? The huffingtonpost.com tells of Zimbabwean Jabulani Ncube, 40, a husband who openly admitted to assaulting his wife, Nomusa Sibanda, 24, after she served him chicken for dinner, but saved the breast and a drumstick for herself; leaving him with only the gizzard, wings and the other drumstick. The following morning Ncube reported his wife’s disrespect to a tribal court, which found her guilty. NahandaRadio.com reported this caused her to be fined one whole chicken.

Taurus April 20 – May 20 Fear and Jealousy will rip you apart this week when the respectively named gorillas that escaped from the Dallas Zoo cross your path.

Leo July 23 – August 22 Let’s face it: you might be a little intimidated, nervous and scared but the fact is those women are just as scared of you as you are of them.

Gemini May 21 – June 21 You’ll be at your wits’ end when deciding which 7-Eleven cup best sums up your political preference.

Virgo August 23 – September 22 You won’t think it’s funny when you’ve been selected to bring up the rear at the Back Door Comedy Club this Saturday night.

Cancer June 22 – July 22 The human mind is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately yours is filled with useless trivia and disconnected phone numbers.

ACROSS 1. T hin piece of wood or metal 6. S leep in a convenient place 10. Mother 14. Not tight 15. Cain’s brother 16. Weightlifters pump this 17. Nimble 18. Hawkeye State 19. Satisfy 20. Evil 22. Team 23. OldWorld vine 24. Delicacy 26. Black Sea port 30. Angler’s basket 32. Circumference 33. Sandglass 37. Anger 38. Burdened 39. Away from the wind

40. Stetched 42. ___ alia 43. Rubber wheels 44. No particular person 45. G-string 47. 54 in Roman numerals 48. A swinging barrier 49. Appraisal 56. Decorative case 57. Lampblack 58. Vernacular 59. Plateau 60. Audible exhale 61. Annoyed 62. Biblical garden 63. If not 64. Units of medicine

Libra September 23 – October 22 You’ve never worked a day in your life but that is mainly due to the fact that you’re working the graveyard shift at Walmart.

DOWN 1. Close violently 2. Roman robe 3. Agitate 4. Small island 5. Cranky 6. Every day 7. Double-reed woodwind 8. Stitched 9. Streetwalker 10. Assortment 11. A kind of macaw 12. Sacred song 13. Again 21. Egg cells 25. Regulation (abbrev.) 26. Monster 27. Found on rotary phones 28. Therefore 29. Loud 30. Cyphers 31. Regretted 33. Despise

34. Countertenor 35. Observed 36. Arid 38. Generous gifts 41. Martini ingredient 42. Handicap 44. Ambition 45. Lugged 46. Home 47. Flexible 48. A territorial unit of Greece 50. Dirt 51. Clothing 52. Novice 53. Writing fluids 54. Curved molding 55. Gestures of assent

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7

The CLOSER

Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

The Cockblocking Wingman With A Girlfriend I am not one to be shaking my hips and batting my lashes towards a taken man; even if he is winking my way first. The thought of infidelity makes me so mad I could spit nails. So this tale of a peen leaves me annoyed and even more paranoid about unfaithful men who find rubbernecking to be their favorite pastime. I was meeting a group of friends in Ft. Worth for a birthday celebration. We were all meeting at a hotspot downtown for dinner and of course I was running late so I snagged my own cab to the restaurant. Side note, I had this crazy witch feeling I would see my ex-flame there. Sure enough, his ass was the first thing I saw when I was fixing to get out of the cab. I clutched onto the taxi driver’s seat and told him I didn’t want to get out of the car because my ex-boyfriend was right outside. The driver pumped me up, told me I could do it and took my cash. My legs trembled as I peeled myself off the car seat. I opened the door and I’m pretty sure the wind picked up just so I could have a “sexy, wind in the hair” entrance. I glossed right by my exlove and his new flame of the week. This was simply the cherry on top of a weird, unsettling night. On to the real purpose of this passage: to highlight the shady actions of another fella. At the oversized dinner table, I found myself sandwiched between two cute boys. One I knew had a girlfriend and the other was a wild ass single boy. I had my body positioned towards the wild ass. Nothing wrong with a healthy dose of tipsy single flirting. The boy with a girlfriend kept chatting me up though. I almost exclaimed, “Quit cockblocking me!” The cockblocking turned

into a platonic, interesting conversation. I found the attached guy quite interesting and thought to myself, “I hope to find a nice, handsome guy like this some day.” Through out the night I kept telling him how much I adored his girlfriend and I wished she was there for the birthday celebration. Eventually, I caught onto weird facial gestures he’d make when I mentioned her name. I was a little tips, but recognized this was not appropriate boyfriend behavior. If the guy I was in love with was running his mouth that he wasn’t that into me, I’d dropkick his ass and it’s sayonara sucka! As the night progressed, he kept encouraging me to take shots and claimed he was the best wingman a girl could ask for. No offense, but no guy is going to buy my ass a drink when you’re hip to hip with me buddy. Take it down a notch and scoot on back. I kept bringing up his girlfriend, in an effort to not blur any lines of inappropriate activity. Every time I said her name his face twisted as if he just tasted fish guts. Each time he warped his face, I became more and more sad. I finally said, “If you feel like this, don’t be dragging her around, wasting her time. She deserves better.” He would quickly change the subject and let another shot scurry down his throat. At the third bar, I created some distance between us and was dancing like a loon. We were all being silly and awkward, having the time of our lives. Pretty soon, the birthday girl came up to me and told me my cockblocking, wingman friend had the hots for me. He was babbling on to her how bored he was with his girlfriend. She said he went on for five minutes that he was jealous I was dancing with other guys. Some piss-poor wingman. I don’t think they’re supposed to get jealous… you’re enlisted to line ‘em up and I‘ll do the picking. If I may be honest, for a second I was flattered by this news. This seemingly interesting, handsome guy was into me. The chorus of Robyn’s “Call Your Girlfriend” began blasting in my head. But then I was overcome by annoyance. It occurred to me this guy was ranting about his unhappy relationship to anyone who would listen. That’s not a salt of the Earth man. That’s some baby sissy shit a girl would do. I don’t like that. Plus, you can bet your bottom dollar I’m not the “next best thing” that comes along. Don’t choose me just because you’re bored with you

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and your girlfriend’s sex life. I ain’t after some shot in the dark, sheet-twisting, one night stand. Every girl wants to be pursued and not while the guy is drunk and “committed” to another girl. I acted like I didn’t know the new piece of info and kept my boogie shoes on. As the group strolled on back to the hotel, I was so excited for a king size bed all to myself. I would sleep in, order room service and watch TV late into the morning. The wingman guy walked me to my door, plopped a pathetic peck on my cheek and left for his shared room upstairs. As the door shut, I paused and thought, “That was weird as hell…time for my fluffy big bed!” A few minutes later after all make-up was removed, I hear a tap tap tap on the door. I opened up and it was him. Images of how this could potentially play out flashed in my head. Luckily he was accompanied by a super drunk friend. The friend curled up on a chair and the wingman guy helped himself into my bed. They claimed the upstairs room was way too crowded. I placed a barricade of pillow between me and the man in my bed. Being a bit of a prude, I haven’t shared a bed with many a men. It had been quite some time so I’m sure if this cat was single, I would have had my legs wrapped around him like an octopus. The morning came and I dashed out. I felt like it was an awkward one-night stand. I’d never had one of those little sex flings, so I imagined that’s how the morning after would play out. I quickly slipped out and let the sleeping men lie, pissed that I didn‘t get the morning to myself. That afternoon, I was totally expecting a Facebook friend request offering to help pay for the room. Nope. Silence. I thought, “Surely in a couple weeks he’ll break up with his poor girlfriend.” Nope. They’re still together. I feel sorry for her because she is incredibly sweet, vibrant and kind. Hope she wises up, but I’m sure not going to be the one to break the news her boyfriend is dickish.

Read the rest of Pocketful of Peens online at: Blitzweekly.com

The

AnsweR Guy with

Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur, What are some telltale signs that your girlfriend is cheating on you? Signed, She probably is Sometimes people are better at relationships and other times people are better at sex. If you can find someone who is the perfect balance of the two, then by all means keep that person in your life! The majority of cheaters in the world have reached a comfortable acceptance with their shitty relationships, but are living sexually unfulfilling lives. It’s like watching a romantic comedy, where the “romantic” part has been omitted as we slowly watch two self-serving idiots dance around the obvious conclusion to their lonely lives. The telltale sign of infidelity is that in most cases it boils down to boredom. A lot of advice columnists will state that everything revolves around communication breakdowns and there was a time that I would agree, however I’ve had sex since then. I come with new levels of insight! Many of us can fake our way through a relationship. We know the rules of engagement when it comes to the male-female dynamic. Yet, surprisingly most people are bored with their sex lives especially if they’ve been with their partner for a long period of time. There is a reason why the erotic thriller Fifty Shades of Grey, which is filled with sexual episodes of sexual dominance and bondage, has sold over 40 million copies worldwide. That is the reason that people long for the escapism of sexual fantasies that are dipped within the taboo and unorthodox. Being good at sex is like saying you’re good at relationships, it’s BORING and lacks imagination! A woman wants you to bring out that naughty side of her.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 7 october 24 - 30, 2012

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