2013 Holiday Gift Guide

*THE RANGERS CROWN PRINCE CAMERA LIES: THE DARK SIDE OF TERRY RICHARDSON

GUYS GUIDE TO GIFTS

>MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY THROWS A HAIL MARY

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SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

DECEMBER 2013

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EN T TH

IC GERMAN STYLE B IER

-

- AU

R F O M R E I H B ERE E HT

TOUR AT 11AM EVERY SATURDAY THE BIER FROM HERE FRESHEST GERMAN BIER IN TOWN www.franconiabrewing.com • (972) 542-0705 495 McKinney Parkway • McKinney • Texas

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DECEMBER 2013

VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

1869

Year of the first college football game Princeton vs.

Rutgers University

0

Amount of points Miami put up in the first ever Orange Bowl game in 1935, while Bucknell put up 26 stone cold ones

11,520 The square footage of the JerryTron at AT&T Stadium

=720 Port-o-Potties

21.1

$17,000,000

21.1

The payout for the school that wins the Allstate Sugar Bowl

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Craig Patterson Creative Director Jette Stephens Cover Design Jette Stephens Cover Photo Photographer: Jonah Gilmore Studio Zinc Models: Summer Ayala and Christian Petrovich Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Jarrod Fresquez, Jonah Gilmore, Steven Hendrix, Kevin Jacobson, Rick Leal, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Arthur Bellfield, Geoff Case, Peter Gerstenzang, Ethan Harmon, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Amber LaFrance, Will Martin, Mark Miller, Hannah Allen White Contributing Photographers/Artists: Desi Martini, fangraphs Contributing Writers: Cote Bailey, Gary Dowell, Rodney Fisher, Andrew J. Hewett, Martin Iheke, Karina Manlove, Paul Salfen, Wendy Wyatt

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CONTACT US PHONE: 214-529-7370 • FAX: 972-960-8618 EMAIL: info@blitzweekly.com

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Number of month’s former Fiesta Bowl CEO John Junker will reside in federal prison if convicted of making illegal political contributions

The number of the highest-rated televised BCS Championship Game Texas – 41 USC – 38

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just hear me out. Sure Melky Cabrera did not do Biogenesis players any favors, but Cruz will be different. He not only has a lot to prove, but as always been a consistent hitter and good locker room guy. Some team will get him on the cheap with a short incentive-laden contract. This will be the bargain steal of the winter meetings. He will add power to the lineup in Houston and hits well in the Ballpark in Arlington.

ow that the World Series champion has been decided on the field, the front office battle between teams starts. Baseball’s winter meetings will be conducted Dec. 9-12 in Lake Buena Vista, Florida. This will be every team’s chance to add veteran pieces to their rosters in hopes that the player is the one piece needed to win it all.

In Nashville in 2012, teams like the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim made it rain for big hitters like Josh Hamilton to the tune of $125 million yet the club still could not compete for the American League West title. Other teams like the Boston Red Sox added free agent Mike Napoli for a one-year, $5 million deal were rewarded with a championship.

The Los Angeles Dodgers added Zack Greinke and made a nice postseason run, while the St. Louis Cardinals won the National League by sitting on their wallets. Nevertheless, the money fountain will be flowing. Let’s take a look at the top free agents available this winter:

1) Robinson Cano - 2B 2013 MLB Stats: BA .314, OPS .899, HR 27, RBI 107, SB 7 2014 Team: New York Yankees

8) Hiroki Kuroda - SP 2013 MLB Stats: 11-13, ERA 3.31, WHIP 1.162 2014 Team: New York Yankees The Yankees will need to re-sign Kuroda even though he declined their qualifying offer. He arguably was their most consistent pitcher this past season. If he does get away, teams will be looking to scoop up the ground ball pitcher like a slow roller.

happen very often. His agent Scott Boras will be looking to get him an above-average deal in the market, something similar to a Hunter Pence’s $90 million, five-year deal. The Astros hold the No. 1 pick in the draft and can use it to do many things this year. They have committed to spending money this offseason and this could be a good starting piece if they miss on Tanaka.

2) Masahiro Tanaka - SP

4) Brian McCann - C

Yu Darvish was second in Cy Young voting in the American League this past season adding to the hype for the next Nippon pitcher available. The current bidding system allows American clubs to blind bid against each other to have 30 days to negotiate a contract with the player. This cost the Texas Rangers an extra $51.7 million to talk with Darvish. A team will need some deep pockets and a high concentration of Japanese fans to make this work.

3) Shin-Soo Choo - OF 2013 MLB Stats: BA .285, OPS .885, HR 21, RBI 54, SB 20 2014 Team: Houston Astros Having a lead-off hitter of Choo’s caliber does not

9) Curtis Granderson - OF

BY RODNEY FISHER – WWW.REALFANSSPORTSNETWORK.COM

Once Cano threw up the Roc, meaning joining Jay-Z’s Roc Nation Sports, he might as well have thrown up the $ sign instead. The Yankees have no choice but to pay Cano $300 million for 10 years as he has requested or pretty close to it. With no rising superstars in their club system and Alex Rodriguez fighting Major League Baseball, Cano is a must resign. Get ready to pop bottles at the 40/40 club.

2013 JPPL Stats: 24-0, ERA 1.27, WHIP .943 2014 Team: Seattle Mariners

5

2013 MLB Stats: BA .256, OPS .796, HR 20, RBI 57 2014 Team: New York Yankees At age 29, McCann has made the All-Star team seven of the nine years he has played. The Yankees have been conservative by their standards in recent memory, but with possibly A-Rod and definitely Mariano Rivera coming off the books, they can spend this year. He would be a good young superstar to rally the pinstripe faithful.

5) Carlos Beltran - OF/DH 2013 MLB Stats: BA .296, OPS .830, HR 24, RBI 84, SB 2 2014 Team: Texas Rangers Beltran provides power hitting on the cheap, because he is not looking for a long-term deal after ending his 16th major league season. He played

2013 MLB Stats: BA .229, OPS .723, HR 7, RBI 15 (Only played in 61 games) 2014 Team: Chicago White Sox

DH during the World Series and will be looking to join an American League team. Rangers General Manager Jon Daniels has stated this offseason will be about adding power and Beltran can fit the bill.

Beltran averages 28 home runs a season.

6) Jacoby Ellsbury - CF 2013 MLB Stats: BA .298, OPS .781, HR 9, RBI 53, SB 52 2014 Team: Seattle Mariners Ellsbury may not be the same player from 2011 who smacked 32 homers and finished second in MVP voting, but his performance for the Red Sox in the American League Division Series made his stock rise.

He batted .500 and had an OPS of 1.137. The price tag for any team will be north of $100 million and with Scott Boras negotiating anything is possible.

The Boston Globe has reported the Red Sox front office considers re-signing Ellsbury will be a “long shot.” Many believe the Mariners have specifically targeted both Ellsbury and Shin-Soo Choo.

7) Nelson Cruz - OF 2013 MLB Stats: BA .266, OPS .833, HR 27, RBI 76, H 110 2014 Team: Houston Astros Before you consider Cruz too high on the list

After missing a third of the season to injury, Granderson never got to follow up his two consecutive 40 home run seasons in 2011 and 2012. The Illinois native always plays well in colder climates like New York and Detroit. Look for him to return to the Chicago area for around $45 million for three years. This will be his third destination in 10 years.

10) Joe Nathan - RP 2013 MLB Stats: 6-2, ERA 1.39, WHIP .0897, SV 43 2014 Team: Texas Rangers Although the right-handed pitcher will be 39 on opening day he still is the best reliever on the free agent market. He had his highest saves total (43) and highest innings pitched total (64.2) since 2009. He is showing no real signs of slowing down. In his two years with the Rangers he made the All-Star team each season and remember it is not easy to pitch in the Ballpark at Arlington. The Houston Astros also have expressed interest to lure the closer back to his hometown, but I think Nathan gives the Rangers another ride.

Other Players To Watch: Mike Napoli, Ervin Santana, Bartolo Colon, Matt Garza, Omar Infante, A.J. Burnett, Jhonny Peralta

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fangraphs

VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

The Practical Prince

BY MARTIN IHEKE – COMMENTS@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

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orn of a rare type of baseball blood, Prince Fielder’s arrival in Arlington was anything but expected.

He’s talented, temperamental, and at times brilliant. Let’s hope he speaks softly and carries a big stick.

It is vital that you get offensive production at first base and they were not getting that out of Mitch Moreland. Fielder will fill this need.

He will be hitting at the Ballpark in Arlington which plays very favorably to left-handed hitters and Fielder happens to bat left-handed.

So it is assumed that his numbers will go back up and help take some pressure off Beltre.

In perhaps the biggest move made so far in the young offseason, the Texas Rangers traded long-time second baseman Ian Kinsler to the Detroit Tigers for first baseman Fielder and $30 million in cash on November 20th. The Rangers made this move because they needed another power bat in the lineup and believe that Jurickson Profar is ready to contribute as an everyday player. It also helps that Fielder is pretty durable as he has been relatively healthy for most of his career while you cannot say that about Kinsler.

If the Rangers can re-sign Cruz, that will give them three big bats in the lineup. Last season’s acquisition of Alex Rios could also bat fifth or sixth adding some pop and speed. Pitching around Fielder could have some serious repercussions.

Before the 2012 season, Fielder signed a nine-year, $214 million contract with the Tigers.

His first season there, he hit .313 with a .412 OBP. However, his numbers were down in 2013 hitting .279 with 25 homers and 106 RBIs and .362 OBP. Now that Fielder will become a Ranger, the big question is can he help get the Rangers back to the playoffs and lead them to their first World Series title? Also, how would he compare to the newly-acquired players around town? The Mavs added Monta Ellis to help Dirk Nowitzki with scoring and so far that is going well. The Stars traded for center Tyler Seguin to help out captain Jamie Benn who are now forming a pretty deadly tandem.

What kind of impact can Fielder provide now that he will be hitting next to third baseman Adrian Beltre and if the Rangers bring back designated hitter/outfielder Nelson Cruz? I think it will be huge and he would compare greatly with those players around town assuming he produces here. Last season the Rangers struggled for the most part, offensively. Sometimes they had trouble scoring a couple of runs especially when their ace pitcher Yu Darvish was on the mound and threw a gem. It also did not help that Cruz missed 50 games in the regular season because he was suspended for taking steroids.

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Metroplex fans love winners. They love players who can come here and shine when the lights are the brightest that leads to championships. If Fielder can come here and shine helping the Rangers finally win their first title, he will instantly be revered in this town.

Legends like Roger Staubach, Troy Aikman, Mike Modano and Dirk Nowitzki immediately come to mind when it comes to the Metroplex embracing winners. Fielder could be right up there with with them if delivers a championship with his bat.

This town does not care about players putting up great numbers when it does not have any meaning to it. It is when you do it that really counts. I want to see the Rangers win the World Series especially after they came so close two years ago (one strike away twice still hurts).

I hope this move of trading for Fielder helps put them over the top. The starting pitching anchored by Darvish is still strong as well as their bullpen and defensively they look good.

General Manager Jon Daniels is now looking to improve the offense and I believe he took a huge step in the right direction with the move to get Fielder. It is time for the practical Prince to shine...

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FIGHT CLUB

UFC 168 Preview

BY FRANK LACOSTA – FLACOSTA@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

Chris “The All-American” Weidman (10-0-0) vs. Anderson “The Spider” Silva (33-5-0) This rematch for the middleweight title has payback written all over it for Anderson Silva. Hell he might even come out to the James Brown song to build up the hype. For the first time since 2006 somebody other than Silva possesses the belt when Weidman dethroned him. A little showboating by Silva left him exposed to a left hook. We’ll see if Silva is able to humble himself and refocus to regain the title from Weidman.

Silva has some clear advantages: better striker, heavier hands and much better submission defense. Oh and infinitely more experience. Weidman isn’t completely inept. He’ll bring a stronger takedown offense and is known for his submission offense. Do not expect Silva to come into this fight with his usual taunts. He’ll be strictly business. They’ll stand and bang and won’t spend much time on the ground. My prediction: Silva will throw punches and connect. He’s faster. He’ll win by knockout in the second. Anderson won’t pull a GSP and ride off into the sunset just yet. He’ll dominate the middleweight class for a few more years before becoming a hall of famer.

Josh “The Warmaster” Barnett (33-6-0) vs. Travis “Hapa” Browne (15-1-1) Battle of the big boys here.

Both will come in weighing close to 250 pounds. Browne is the younger, taller fighter with a bit more reach. He also packs a little more punch. This will be his only hope. Barnett has the better all-around ground game from submission offense to takedown offense. With age comes experience and Barnett will not want to stand and exchange punches. A shot to the chin from either fighter could be the end of the match. Look for Barnett to get this one to the ground and to his advantage. My prediction: First round will be a feeling out process with a few punches, but in the second round Barnett takes Browne down and wins via submission. A bout with Cain Velazquez could be in order after this one which would generate some interest with their contrasting styles.

Ronda “Rowdy” Rousey (7-0-0) vs. Miesha “Cupcake” Tate (13-4-0) It looks like Dana White’s goal of expanding the female fighting side of the UFC is going to take off. He’s pushed this for awhile and it’s catching on. Rousey has become the face of this component. Plus she’s been featured in Maxim. She’s got confidence on her side coming into this one. “Fight of the Night” probably not. These two combatants are evenly matched when it comes to striking, reach and taking one on the button.

Rousey though has the better takedown game and submission skills.

Tate’s strengths are defending these. They’ll throw a few jabs but don’t expect a knockout here. Neither possesses the firepower to do so. My prediction: It’ll end up on the mat where Rousey will win via submission in the third round thus increasing her popularity and waiting for her next opponent.

Disagree with me? Let me know via twitter @BlitzWeekly and we’ll see who has better picks the night of the fights.

PRESENTED BY

THE GYM 921 West Mayfield Road Arlington, TX 76015 (817) 652-1555 WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

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THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT

BY MARK MILLER – MMILLER@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

C

The long-awaited end of the BCS era

director of athletics, University of Nebraska

ollege football as we’ve known it for more than two decades is about to dramatically change to something its critics have sought seemingly for eternity.

•D an Radakovich, director of athletics, Clemson University •C ondoleezza Rice, Stanford university professor, former Stanford provost, and former United States Secretary of State

The Bowl Championship Series system that has determined the top major collegiate football team in America since 1998 is nearly history as it will determine its final champion on January 6, 2014. Replacing it finally will be a four-team playoff with the simple name (until the powers that be secure a corporate sponsor) of the College Football Playoff. The inaugural CFP title game will be held right here in DFW at AT&T Stadium on January 12, 2015.

•M ike Tranghese, former commissioner of the Big East Conference • S teve Wieberg, former college football reporter, USA Today • Tyrone Willingham, former head coach of three FBS institutions “We wanted people of the highest integrity for this committee, and we got them,” said College Football Playoff Executive Director Bill Hancock. “Every one of them has vast football knowledge, excellent judgment, dedication and love for this game.”

No longer will anyone be able to complain about football being the only college sport without a postseason playoff tournament.

That was the major criticism of the BCS and its predecessors, the Bowl Coalition and the Bowl Alliance that date to the early 1990s. While those agreements were better than when national champions were selected by separate polls of sports writers and college coaches, they still weren’t true playoffs.

Though the BCS did ensure the top two teams always met for the national title, it sometimes keep out other worthy teams. Some were undefeated. Too many were schools from outside the major conferences.

The BCS was created to attempt to solve the problem of no true national championship game because of the automatic conference tie-ins with the traditional bowl games. Back then, the nation’s top team might be bound to one bowl while the next-best squad would have to play in another bowl. When No. 1 and No. 2 didn’t meet, it prompted some split national champions.

Turns out the nation’s top two teams met just eight times in the first 56 years of postseason play. College coaches and administrators began to change that equation in a set of lengthy meetings late in 1991 and early in 1992 that created the Bowl Coalition. Directly involved were commissioners of the Big East, Atlantic Coast, Big Eight, Southeastern, and Southwest conferences plus Notre Dame. The Pac-10 and Big Ten were not included. That took place for bowls after the 1992, 1993 and 1994 seasons.

In 1995, the relationship between the conferences was modified to come even closer to matching No. 1 and No. 2. The Bowl Alliance moved the Fiesta, Sugar and Orange bowls to the front and center but with the flexibility to select their best matchups without being tied to specific conferences. That lasted for bowls after the 1995, 1996 and 1997 seasons.

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Committee members were chosen by the College Football Playoff Management Committee consisting of the commissioners of conferences overseeing the playoff.

By 1997, discussions took place to include the Big Ten, Pac-10 and Rose Bowl to forge the BCS. Only teams ranked in the top 12 at season’s end were eligible to compete for the 10 spots. Only No. 1 and No. 2 would have the chance to win the national championship as the BCS’s five-bowl showcase ultimately was designed so the top two teams could meet in the finale.

While not perfect, the BCS did a good job of definitively determining the nation’s top team while attempting to maintain the traditions of the long-time bowl structure. Still, it never met the growing groundswell of support for a true playoff. That changed earlier this year when it was announced that the College Football Playoff would begin in 2015 with headquarters in Irving.

College Football Playoffs Finally bowing to the years of pressure, college football leaders created a four-team, three-game playoff. Semifinal games will be played either New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day at traditional bowl game sites with the championship contest at a separate venue on a Monday night at least a week later.

In October, the 13-members of the committee who will chose the teams in the inaugural College Football Playoff were named. They include 10

people who played college football, two former top-level university administrators, five current athletic directors, three College Football Hall of Fame members, three former college head football coaches, a former United States Secretary of State, a former member of the U.S. Congress, and a retired three-star general.

Members of the committee and their credentials are: • Jeff Long, vice chancellor and director of athletics, University of Arkansas, chair • Barry Alvarez, director of athletics and former head coach, University of Wisconsin • Lieutenant-General Mike Gould, former superintendent of the United States Air Force Academy • Pat Haden, director of athletics, University of Southern California • Tom Jernstedt, former NCAA executive vicepresident • Oliver Luck, director of athletics, West Virginia University • Archie Manning, former University of Mississippi and all-pro NFL quarterback • Tom Osbourne, former head coach and

“They will no doubt have one of the hardest jobs in sports,” Hancock added. “But their skills and wide variety of experiences from coaches and athletes to university leaders and journalists will ensure that they will be successful. And they are committed to investing the time and effort necessary for this endeavor. We are grateful that they will be serving this terrific game of college football.”

Teams selected to partake in the new playoff will be selected by whatever criteria committee members deem important rather than the current combination of computer rankings and human polls. Those criteria are expected to include an undefeated regular season, strength of schedule and injuries.

How much money is involved with the new playoffs? According to USA Today’s George Schroeder, more than $500 million, about $470 million of which goes to the 10 top conferences.

No wonder the new system is popular.

Will the College Football Playoff please everyone? Highly unlikely since it’s virtually impossible for everyone to agree on anything.

But if done right, the College Football Playoff could become for football what the Final Four is for basketball.

So long BCS. It was nice knowing you.

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THE 10

GUiDE

DECEMBER 2013

BY ETHAN HARMON – EHARMON@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

When it comes to being a tech junkie, it’s not just about knowing how to use the latest innovations. You should have the latest and greatest in the tech world. Whether it’s a new smart phone or the latest tablet, it needs to be in your repertoire.

It may sound kind of strange, but the smartwatch has picked up a lot of steam. This watch can run apps, display your phone notifications and sound alarms, while also being completely customizable.

Where to get it: getpebble.com Price: $150

Models: Christian Petrovich and Summer Ayala Jonah Gilmore Studio Zinc

The tech world can take you into different environments. If you need to look cool, stay warm and work on some coding, then try out this jacket. It has three adjustable layers that remove moisture and generate heat.

Where to get it: shop.hellyhansen.com Price: $180 SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

For the techie that wants to represent their inner nerd, while also keeping their wallet sensibilities in order. A man can dream, can’t he?

Where to get it: ebay.com Price: $44

It’s difficult to decide which tablet is best for the job. The market is flooded with tablets, and there isn’t necessarily a “bad” one. The Surface Pro 2 is a versatile tablet, allowing for a wide variety of functions. It also has a few extra features, for those who want some amenities.

Where to get it: amazon.com or a local electronics store Price: $885

Forget the Xbox One. Forgot it?

Good. The PS4 is looking like the best of the next gen consoles so far. Free online gameplay, incredible hardware and features and a ton of games that will launch with the system. Basically, get this with Battlefield 4 and say goodbye to your social life for a few weeks.

Where to get it: It will be available at all major retailers, but you may want to grab this online on amazon.com Price: $400-$550

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The Guy He knows that Mozart was the music dude and that Chuck Norris is definitely the reason why zombies haven’t overtaken the Earth.

He likes Kung Fu movies and may or may not sing out loud to Run DMC & Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way” in the car when he thinks no one is looking. OK so what if he does. If you’re this guy, buy this stuff:

Samsung Galaxy Note Tablet

Espadin Marca Negra Mezcal One of the best spirits that you can have on your shelf is Mezcal. Its smoky bold taste makes it a top tier pour and its price tag makes it for the best of your guests.

Where to get it: marcanegra.com Price: $100

Clae McQueen Shoes Make an addition to your collection of wearables with Clae McQueen chukkas. It’s a shoe that says, “There is no way I’m going to the ballet with you…ok I’ll go. Just let me change shoes.”

Where to get it: clae.com Price: $110

Joules Foxton Jacket

Caviar Cartel Tee

It’s quilted, has a warm handle cotton lining, and the description on the website says, “For men who love living life to the full…” We’re sold.

If hip-hop is any part of your paradigm then this limited press tee from the mind of Ssur is a must have. C’mon, make your closet twerkworthy.

Where to get it: joulesusa.com Price: $203

Where to get it: : shop.ssur.com Price: $35

Gerber Downrange Tomahawk Why would you want a tomahawk for Christmas you ask? Oh right I suppose the zombie apocalypse observes holidays. Everybody knows not to fuck with the guy holding a tomahawk.

Let’s face it, college is expensive. You need books, supplies, a computer and a whole bunch of stuff that you probably can’t afford.

That’s why you should load up on scholarships and grants. If you have some discretionary money, then you should invest in these:

If laptops aren’t your thing, then you should check out a tablet. Yes, the iPad is a solid tablet, but when it comes to college, the Galaxy Note is your best bet. It is very effective when it comes to taking notes and surfing through online texts.

Where to get it: amazon.com or a local electronics store Price: $549

iPhone 5s or 5c This is a simple, yet great smart phone. Yes, everyone has one, but for good reason. They are fairly reliable, affordable and can utilize a multitude of apps. This is a great phone for the college life.

Where to get it: apple.com or an Apple Store Price: $199 and up (without contract)

Scottevest

Any external hard drive

During the colder months of the semester, you will need to wear something warm. Why not get a vest/jacket that has roughly 30 pockets?

This can hold anything from your phone to your bundle of pencils and pens.

You will be doing a lot of projects in college.

Many will consume a lot of space and clog your computer. It is a safe idea to invest in an external hard drive to save yourself some frustration. And it’s nice to have a backup of your projects!

Where to get it: newegg.com or a local electronics store Price: $50 and up (depending on amount of memory)

Where to get it: scottevest.com Price: $125

Alienware Laptop A lot of students go the MacBook route. They are slick, shiny and nice, but they are not exactly the best laptop on the market. Alienware packs a whole lot of punch, giving you almost everything you need for your classes.

Where to get it: alienware.com or MicroCenter Price: $1,099 and up

Where to get it: gerbergear.com Price: $290 WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

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DECEMBER 2013

VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

Jenna

Model: Jenna Darryl Briggs SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

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DECEMBER 2013

Your job requires you to freely fling around words like latte, spreadsheet, and cronut. These are for you.

VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

YOU HAVE

YOU NEED

A chance to impress your boss’ hot daughter at the company Christmas party and say goodbye to the copy room forever.

Etro Wool Blazer $1,430

So many credit cards in your wallet one butt cheek sticks out two inches further than the other.

COIN smart card $100

Crappy one-size-fits-all business cards that no one respects.

Terrapin Stationers Custom

A Jansport as your overnight Vegas getaway bag.

Ted Baker Mainline DRKENYD $295

Porsche 918 Spyder What’s the best part about being the 1%? The cars – and Porsche gives the valets over at Highland Park Village something to wake up for with the 918.

We couldn’t think of a better way to spend nearly a million bucks on a hybrid.

Where to get it: If you have to ask it’s probably not for you Price: $848,000

24 CT Gold iPad Air Why settle for a regular iPad, when you can have yours decked out in solid gold? Rhetorical question, we know. But still, you can have all the great features of the iPad, with the shiny beauty that comes with gold.

Where to get it: goldgenie.com/us Price: $2,006.09

The CEO If you are a CEO, money is not really a problem. You have a lot of it, you can spend it freely on whatever the hell you want. For the CEO who wants to live in style and “ball out,” check these out.

Got $1 million dollars to spend? Of course you do! You’re a CEO! Go out and get a Luvaglio laptop. It’s completely customizable, but it only comes with basic features. But hey, it’s about appearance!

Where to get it: luvaglio.com Price: $1 million

MJ-VIP Luxury Mouse

Kiton suit or tuxedo

The mouse is the most recognized part of a computer. It helps you surf the web and click on stuff. Well, now you can get one coated with real diamonds. It is compatible with both Mac and PC.

If you are a CEO, you need to dress like a CEO. Kiton makes luxury tuxedos and suits for those who want to dress to impress. These are show-stopping suits made for only the rich.

Where to get it: mouse.mj777.com Price: $34,000 and up

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Luvaglio Laptop

Where to get it: : kiton.it (you might want to download an English translation app for this site) Price: $50,000

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DECEMBER 2013

PROFILES

15

FIFTY SHADES of “hey”

22 years and 9 million ab crunches later Matthew McConaughey is still anything but dull.

BY PAUL SALFEN – COMMENTS@BLITZWEEKLY.COM Blitz Weekly: This has been a great year for you. In fact, in the last couple of years you’ve had some of your best roles yet.

Matthew McConaughey: It’s a wonderful time, man, and I’m enjoying the work more than I ever have.

I’m getting an experience from the roles and an experience from making the movies, which has always been my favorite thing to do. I always like making the movies more than I like watching them. But this one I quite enjoyed watching. It was hard to make, so there’s a team of us that know what we had to go through to get it made and now we get to share it.

BW: And talk about a transformation – it’s one thing to lose weight for a role, but to lose 50 pounds?

That’s crazy. What was that like?

MM: Part of the fun is what we get to do as actors – when you get a role that actually needs that. I wouldn’t want to do it just for eccentricity’s sake because the character didn’t need it but this character needed it so it was a pleasure to do it. It wasn’t as hard as people made it out to be. I did it the safest way possible. The body is much more resilient than we give it credit for and it was what the role needed – and it was fun. As an actor, you look for something you can singularly grab ahold of and focus and commit to for six months or whatever, that’s fun.

BW: It’s probably easier to gain it back than it is to lose it, right?

MM: It’s more fun to gain it back but it’s not as safe to gain back. That first cheeseburger – and the wheat and gluten in the bread kind of kicked back at me hard, yeah. [Smiles] BW: On The Drew Pearson Show, we ask everyone for their “Hail Mary” moment. What do you suppose that was for you?

Desi Martini

M

atthew McConaughey is having a banner year. Twenty years after breaking out in Richard Linklater’s now-classic indie film Dazed and Confused, the 44-year-old Texas native is getting into some of his best roles to date, with three films that have some strong Oscar buzz right now: Mud, The Wolf of Wall Street and Dallas Buyers Club.

McConaughey’s strongest chance for an Academy Award, though, comes from Dallas Buyers Club, the touching true story of electrician and rodeo bull rider Ron Woodruff, who, in 1985, finds out that he has HIV and is given 30 days to live. He refuses to give up and through his own research, starts to treat himself and others, battling the Food and Drug Administration the entire way.

McConaughey sat down at the Toronto International Film Festival to discuss losing an alarming 50 pounds for the role, his great year and his “Hail Mary” moment.

MM: Oh, The Hail Mary. Ooooh. I remember talking to (director) Joel Schumacher about ’95 and I was talking to him about a much smaller role for a film called A Time To Kill and our meeting was about over – and it was good, but I said, “who’s playing the lead role, that Jake Brigance?” and he goes, “I don’t know. We haven’t cast it yet. Who do you think should?” And I remember saying, “I think I should.” And he started laughing and said, “It’s a great idea but it’ll never happen. The studio won’t pay for it.” But it stuck in his mind and he called me back and I had a screen test about two months later. And it worked out. But if I wouldn’t have thrown that Hail Mary right there – I don’t know. I might not be sitting here right now.

“Dallas Buyers Club” is in theaters now.

Paul Salfen is the co-host for the “Drew Pearson Show” on FOX Sports and also co-hosts The ANE Show on Clear Channel/iHeartRadio.

McConaugheyisms: Learn From The Master • Man who invented the hamburger was smart; man who invented the cheeseburger was a genius.

• Life is a series of commas, not periods.

• Lately he has been writing bits of rap songs.

• My favorite thing to do between working is go drive around the roads and highways camping out.

• I love having my hands in dirt.

• There are certain nights you and your image aren’t in the same bed.

WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

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MAKE IT EASY ON YOURSELF

DECEMBER 2013

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GIVE ‘EM FOOD FOR CHRISTMAS VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

BY HANNAH ALLEN WHITE – COMMENTS@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

t seems like there is an awful lot of pressure put on an individual regarding purchasing and giving “the perfect gift” this time of year.

Some of us are left wondering where to buy this opulent, fabulous and elusive gift that will never be returned for store credit or re-gifted?

There is one solution that is no-fail: food gifts.

Why, you ask? Well, the main drug of this time of year is nostalgia followed closely by indulgence and thirdly by comfort and, since we’re Americans, novelty. Food gifts invariably satisfy all four of these requirements.

For the special lady in your life the focus is primarily on chocolate, the mainstay for any holiday pertaining to your feelings or interactions with her. So, once you’ve found a good local chocolateur or an international chain she digs you’re set for the whole year. Truffles always are your best bet.

bets are hitting up a good sale on nice wine or those trial-sized packs of fancy coffee. Either works well since each can be incorporated into the celebration thus making you look incredibly generous and exceptionally thoughtful.

This approach works equally well with your parents. At any supermarket or department store are pre-packaged gift baskets with several different themes (heritage, sports teams, food preference, guilty pleasures, fun, alcohol, etc.) and usually include keepsakes like mugs, glasses, plates, or whatever. Incidentally, these are perfect for the “that-guy-has-everything” person for whom you’re obligated to buy a gift.

The best part about this approach is that it’s also more than justifiable to purchase duplicates of any or all of the above as gifts for yourself because, look at you, you gift-giving-machine, you…You deserve it!

You’ll probably find yourself at any number of holiday parties and the tradition of “hostess gifts” gets particularly real this time of year. Good

RESTAURANT NEWS: SUNDOWN AT GRANADA

BY HANNAH ALLEN WHITE – COMMENTS@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

Sundown At Granada’s New Winter Menu

I

n the last year Sundown has become the dining room table the neighborhood gathers around and true to local and sustainable ideals of owner Mike Schoeder and Executive Chef Patrick Stark, they’ve rolled out some seasonal favorites.

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

New additions to every section of the menu include Duck Croquette Appetizers, a Kobe Beef Sloppy Joe topped with Smoked Gouda, house made pickle relish called Hey Joe, and Texas Striped Bass or Coconut Poached Salmon as a main course. As always the beer garden and house-made cocktails are more than impressive and their specialtyinfused liquors such as cinnamon apple bourbon and watermelon tequila are exquisite served straight-up.

blitzweekly.com

VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

DECEMBER 2013

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Good

dragon movies are Few and Far Between

BY GARY DOWELL – WWW.MOVIEINK.NET

W

e here at The Blitz were a little peeved this time last year after sitting through the interminably long first installment of “The Hobbit” for one simple reason: We wanted to see a giant flying dragon. All we got was a tease – a wing here, an extreme close-up of an eyeball there – and no fire-breathing money shot.

While waiting in anticipation of Part Two and wondering what to do in the meantime, we realized there aren’t a whole lot of dragon movies out there, let alone very many good ones. We did some brainstorming and put together a list of ones to obsess over for the past 12 months:

sleeping beauty (1959) Yep, this is an animated Disney musical, but the fluff goes out the window during the climax when the evil sorceress Maleficent changes into a kingsized fire-breathing dragon and battles a grossly outmatched Prince Phillip. It’s an intense scene – especially for a kid – and made even more so by Maleficent’s grisly demise. (A live-action version starring Angelina Jolie is due next year.)

ghidorah, the threeheaded monster (1964) Sure, this is a 60s-era Japanese daikaiju flick, not what usually comes to mind when one thinks “fire breathing dragons,” but that’s exactly what

this bad boy is. How bad? Ghidorah debuted in a feature film that gave him top billing even though he starred opposite Godzilla, Mothra, and Rodan. The space-dragon would prove to be so popular he would appear in eight more films over four decades. More important, he’s got three freakin’ heads.

dragonslayer (1981) What is arguably the best dragon movie to date – even 30+ years later – appeared in this cult-classic fantasy film, brought to life via sophisticated, realistic animatronics by Phil Tippett. The beast ravages a small kingdom during the Dark Ages, until confronted by a wannabe-wizard’s apprentice (Peter MacNicol). It also boasts the best dragon name ever: Vermithrax Pejorative, Latin for “The Worm of Thrace Who Makes Things Worse.” Fuck yeah.

q – the winged serpent (1982) In this oddball, off-beat B-movie, the winged Aztec lizard god Quetzalcoatl takes up residence in the Chrysler Building (because the Empire State Building was soooo 1930s) and begins snacking on New Yorkers, until David Carradine, Richard Roundtree, and Michael Moriarty save the day – no, seriously. A guilty pleasure, with pretty good stop-motion effects, an unexpected police procedural element, and a nice Method performance from Moriarty to off-set the B-movie cheese.

dragonheart (1996) The advent of large-scale, photo-realistic CGI effects in film made it possible to go balls-out with fantastical cinema creatures like never before, which is what director Rob Cohen (xXx, the first The Fast and the Furious film) did with this fantasy adventure. Dennis Quaid stars as a knight who enters into an unlikely partnership with the last living dragon (voiced by Sean Connery) to commit staged dragon slayings while dodging a corrupt king (David Thewlis). A modest success, nominated for the Academy Award for Best Special Effects.

reign of fire (2002) Christian Bale leads a ragtag group of survivors that includes a pre-300 Gerard Butler in a postapocalyptic world overrun by fire-breathing dragons. Yep, it’s cheesy and the plot is hard to swallow, but the dragons are impressive.

However, they pale in comparison to Matthew McConaughey’s over-the-top performance as a crazy-eyed mercenary who’s part General Patton, part Colonel Kurtz, and thoroughly insane. A guilty pleasure if there ever was one.

harry potter and the goblet of fire (2005) Our hero braves a wicked hedge maze to steal an egg from a deadly dragon (a Hungarian Horntail, to be precise) in what is arguably the best sequence in the best film of the series. Though much of the effects in the film were CGI, director Mike Newell had an actual dragon built for some of the shots in the scene, and it actually breathed fire.

beowulf (2007) Granted, Robert Zemeckis’ motion-capture animated version of the classic Anglo-Saxon epic (adapted by Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary) is better known for another eccentric performance

by Crispin Glover and a more, um, revealing one by Angelina Jolie; however, its conclusion features a gripping, brutal battle between Beowulf (Ray Winstone) and a dragon with a surprising connection to the hero.

how to train your dragon (2010) Sure, this is kids’ fare, but even grown-ups will find it hard to resist the imaginative variety of dragons featured in this animated fantasy. Plus, it’s just damn good, becoming the animated sleeper hit of the year and unseating Shrek as DreamWorks’ crowning achievement in animation. It also has vikings!

Read more of Gary Dowell’s insane ramblings at MovieInk.net, or the lizard gets it...

holiday disasters Christmas Movies to Avoid At all Costs

BY WENDY WYATT 5. Lifetime. Not a movie called Lifetime, I am talking about the channel. There isn’t just one, it’s all of them. The acting, the storylines, the unrealistic Christmas scenery … cue the ugly cries from women. And if it has Tori Spelling, Robin Givens or that chick from Full House, it’s double-whammy crap.

4. All I Want For Christmas starring my junior high crush, Ethan Randall. Parents divorce, but young heart throb and curly-q sister master a plan to get them back together by asking the jolly, fat man. Way to give false hope to all those divorcee children. Hooray therapy bills!

3. Christmas With the Kranks starring Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis. So, your daughter leaves after high school and you guys wanna plan a trip away for the holidays? We get it. Plan on Kranks, nobody is gonna miss ya. And your last name is a drug reference. Merry “High”mas.

2. Where do I begin? It’s going to be a category ALL in it’s own. Who in the flip thought Christmas-horror movies would be a good idea?! The homicidal snowman aka Jack Frost?

A serial killing Santa aka Santa’s Slay? I don’t care if this falls under the “alternative Christmas” list, you have your own GD holiday – yeah, two months earlier.

1. It’s a toss up. Flip a coin. Surviving Christmas (Ben Affleck: Let me hire a fake family because I need attention) or Jingle All The Way (Arnold.

Sinbad. ‘Nuff said).

There you have it, gals and gents.

I need to go sip my liquor out of a moose cup, eat spaghetti with syrup and ring a bell so you can get your wings. Merry Christmas to all and to all … a good drink!

You can also find Wendy on blacktipsandrelips.wordpress WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

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DECEMBER 2013

VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

BY MATEEKA LANEÉ – COMMENTS@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

FOR TERRY

How A Career In Pictures Covered the Tracks of Fashion’s Most Notorious Creep

T

here are few more dominating industries than fashion. Young people may not know how much a gallon of gas costs at the local 7-11, or who the Secretary of Defense is, but which awards ceremony did Miley Cyrus wear the Biggie and Tupac dress to? They’ll know the answer (it’s the EMA’s, by the way).

Fashion, and all of its related elements have and will continue to be the bar by which social status often is set. Price tags, fabrics, and brand monograms are, unfortunately, quick and easy “tells” that can give away a lot about a person.

There’s no faster way to pick your friends than to judge them from a superficial interpretation of their socioeconomic class, age, and level of “cool.”

It’s been this way in America surely since before the Pilgrims and the Indians feasted together and whispered about each others’ choice of outfits.

The problem with this, of course, is that clothing, rather than being simply an expression of oneself, is instead used as a sort of totem pole to illustrate power and influence. When poor kids start rocking Louis Vuitton, however, all traditional “tells” are tossed out the window.

And when a pervert somehow earns the power and influence to turn wannabe-model nobodies into fashion somebodies, it’s not just the protege whose integrity is at stake.

Terry Richardson is an internationallyrecognized fashion photographer with clients ranging from Rolling Stone to Vogue. He has worked with hundreds of celebrity models and even has done a shoot with President Obama.

Starting professional work as a partner to his schizophrenic father (who studied art with Andy Warhol) in the 90s, Richardson found SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

major career success following the first shoot he did, solo, for Vibe magazine. Since then, he has forged himself into the most prominent of fashion’s consciousness – that of imagery. Take even a glance at his impressive portfolio to see the names of both modeling giants like Coco Rocha and Kate Moss, and celebrities including Miley Cyrus and Rihanna. It’s obvious the man is talented, and no doubt hardworking. His work is often sensual, even racy. However, it has not been the final product of Richardson’s work that is most disturbing, even perverse.

In 2010, public allegations were made from various models following the release of Richardson’s solo art book, Terryworld, accusing him of sexual misconduct. Model/writer/actress Rie Rasmussen stated at Paris Fashion Week that year that Richardson’s work was “degrading to women,” stating furthermore that he “takes girls who are young, manipulates them to take their clothes off and takes pictures of them they will be ashamed of.”

Take a peek online to see reprints of some of the shots featured in the book (you can find it online for your coffee table, too, if your guests would appreciate viewing genitals with their green tea). The essence of the book is that of “American Apparel ads gone wild,” but with no apparent purpose other than shock value. At least AA is trying to sell you a good-ol’ pair of American-made shorts and knee-high socks.

Where exactly were these allegations supposed to resonate for the average magazine reader?

No one, except maybe those of us addicted to America’s Next Top Model, can understand some of the hard work that goes on behind the scenes at photo shoots. Outrageous outfits and

unnatural stunts can be pretty routine for models.

Awkward posing? Sure. But surely no 19-year-old young model walks into a shoot expecting to be asked to give oral sex to her photographer, or perhaps worse yet, to take the camera into her own hands to shoot her photographer’s junk?

These are just a couple of the disturbing tasks models have apparently been asked to complete

by Terry Richardson. In 2004, Richardson spoke in an interview with The New York Observer explaining “a lot of it starts with me saying to a girl, ‘Do you want to do nudes?’ And they’re like, ‘I don’t want to be naked,’ […] So I say, ‘I’ll be naked and you take the pictures. You can have the camera. You can have the phallus.’ ” With a possible career startup in the balance, and a room of assistants assuring you this is totally cool and normal, how could a young girl say no?

Women’s interest website thegloss.com posted an article in 2010 with the story of a 19-year-old girl named Jamie Peck, who recalled the strange requests made to her from Richardson, including that she allow him to play with her used tampon and rub him off with her hand. Other stories, similar to Peck’s appeared online and in print, and while jarring, soon faded into meaningless babble. There was a murmured notion that, if a girl felt uncomfortable, why didn’t she just leave the shoot? Moreover, what could it mean for a handful of unknown girls to accuse an internationally respected photographer, one of the best in the fashion business, of sexual misconduct? If there isn’t a gun placed to the head of a rape victim, is it still rape?

This isn’t to say that Terry Richardson is in the same realm as a rapist. However, taking

advantage of girls looking to the authority of an established fashion ingenue for guidance in their art for personal pleasure is certainly a faux pas.

Shortly after Rie Rasmussen’s outcry, several other models, many of whom are fresh-faced models looking for their “big break,” also spoke out. Several controversial editorials and interviews were printed following the debacle, a few people huffed in disgust, and then…nothing happened. Today, Richardson is almost revered by young photography and modeling hopefuls, is still booked by prominent agencies, and is still featured in multi-page spreads in the glossies.

He can be seen by a new generation of young people on Tumblr, chilling with Gaga and Daft Punk. How is this possible?

What’s up for debate isn’t whether or not these allegations are true, really. Reading through interviews of Richardson talking about his “creative process” is evidence enough. The question is, how is it that he still has a career? Is it true – well, perhaps it’s true, but is it right – that a man can manipulate and sexually harass women in the workplace with no consequences?

As fleeting as fashion’s tastes may be, those in the center of its gaze can hold more power for the average citizen than most elected officials.

No matter how strange or offensive its behavior (see the 80s, harem pants, and the outfits of Lady Gaga for examples), fashion whims hold the power of immediate influence all in the name of what is misnamed as “art.” Thus, Richardson also has acquired his omnipotent hold on mainstream photography. But, just because something is popular doesn’t make it right. When girls are objectified to shock and awe, it’s all of fashion culture that suffers.

VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

DECEMBER 2013

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Today’s Top Musical Albums a Mixed Bag

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BY PETER GERSTENZANG – PZANG7@OPTONLINE.NET

t’s a pretty well-known fact that I don’t keep up with most modern trends. In fact, it’s only in the last year I stopped calling radio, “the wireless.”

But, in any case, I thought it would be fun to look at the current Billboard Charts and see what’s popular. A pretty bold move for a guy who’s completely out of Dramamine.

Turns out it was pretty educational. For instance, they now have categories for albums that were bought, downloaded and stolen by hackers.

In any case, here are the current five most popular records.

#5- Avril Lavigne - Avril Lavigne This is a world where you’re usually a pop princess for a few months. Followed by a multitude of horrors, including drug arrests, rehab, and, when you’ve hit bottom, a role in a Brett Ratner movie. So Avril has really stuck around. But I can say the same thing about that suspicious-looking sore on my tongue. The songs are catchy. But her next single has been co-written by Nickleback’s Chad Kroeger. Who may not have killed Jesus. But was definitely seen loitering around Calvary that day. So, listeners, proceed at your own peril.

#4- Prism - Katy Perry I’m a genuine Katy Perry fan. And be glad I typed that. It means you can’t see the drool on my chin.

I haven’t heard the new album, but the reviews haven’t been kind. I’ve written Katy, offering to comfort and hug her. Yesterday, I received a response and was very excited. But it turns out,

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an Order of Protection is not as good as it sounds at first. The fact that I must stay at least 100 yards away from her? Hey, I can live with that.

#3- Duck The Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas - The Robertson Family I know you didn’t like seeing that. Hey, I didn’t like writing it. I can’t begin to think of the countless albums I would buy before purchasing this one.

But one of them is Josh Groban Goes Grunge.

And the other is by a singer-songwriter who’s a member of The Aryan Nation. Okay?

#2- Loved Me Back To Life Celine Dion I assume the title refers to Celine’s fans saving her. They saw her lifeless body just laying somewhere? And couldn’t just keep on walking?

You guys better hope there’s no afterlife.

#1- The Marshall Mathers LP 2 Eminem Although I’m an Em fan, I’m usually distrustful of sequels. And after his last few discs, this could’ve gone either way. It might’ve been the follow-up to The Godfather. It also could’ve been Caddyshack 2. Luckily, we got the former. It’s classic Eminem. Plenty of bile, funky tracks, and that fast, funny delivery. Of course, the sample credits are hilarious. More people were involved with the making of this record than who built the pyramids. But Chad Kroeger is nowhere in sight.

Right there? Reason enough to buy the album.

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DECEMBER 2013

VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

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VOL. 6 - ISSUE 11

DECEMBER 2013

Hilarious Advice From This Guy As clever as you think it is Einstein, don’t get her a PS4 for Christmas.

If you disagree with the opinions on her bumper stickers don’t date her.

By Andrew J. Hewett • www.chewednews.com

Peeing in the shower, acceptable. Peeing in the tub, not.

BULGARIA? LITHUANIA? IRELAND?

They say life isn’t about winning, but stupid people say lots of things.

So what if your underwear has holes in them – keep ‘em.

She says she likes commitment.

Any man that has a cat as a pet is 200X more likely to not save you from a burning building.

What happens if you make a mistake on your income tax? Many in the U.S. have been bankrupted by the IRS. What if the IRS makes a mistake on refunds? Last year alone they “refunded” $4 billion to stolen identities, some of the money going to Bulgaria, Lithuania and Ireland. Most ridiculous, they sent 655 tax refunds to the same address in Lithuania. FYI - Miami is the most frequent fraud form filing city inside the U.S.

Sagittarius – November 22 – December 21 Happy birthday! We feel you need to loosen up a bit. Please enjoy the bottle of stool softener we sent!

Pisces – February 19 – March 20 Your girlfriend will inform you that sex messes with her “spiritual energy” and that’s why she’ll never have it.

Capricorn – December 22 – January 19 The stars foretell that you will not be receiving the gift that you are waiting for this holiday season.

Aries – March 21 – April 19 Walking around with mistletoe in your pocket won’t improve your sex life you undesirable asshat.

Aquarius – January 20 – February 18 After arriving to the dentist late, you’ll apologize for forgetting to brush your teeth. Your dentist will reply, “It’s ok. I just took a piss and forgot to wash my hands.”

Taurus – April 20 – May 20 You will witness your roommate taking a shit in your cat’s litter box. The logic, he wants to know what it feels like to be a cat.

21

A COINCIDENCE? Gautam Sapkota, 30, known in Nepal as “charidada” or “bird brother,” claims he imitates the sounds of 251 kinds of birds.

And, while standing on stage with a microphone, cawing like a crow on Nov. 4, 2013, hundreds of noisy birds did circle above him, perched on trees and sat on roofs, astonishing his audience.

His appearance also coincided with the Hindu festival of crows, which are considered messengers from heaven and Baliraja, the king of death.

AH, NUTS As the 2013 holiday season grows nearer the price of nuts, especially walnuts, is increasing. Meaning thieves are hard at work stealing. For instance, recently in the Central Valley town of Escalon, Calif., 140,000 pounds of walnuts were stolen, valued at $400,000. Another example, last month in Sacramento 12,000 pounds of walnuts were stolen from a parked trailer, valued at $50,000.

Gemini – May 21 – June 21 Your life is about to get a lot easier.

Unfortunately the same cannot be said for your personal living assistant.

Virgo – August 23 – September 22 They say in life it’s never too late to start over, but in your case; well let’s just leave it at that.

Cancer – June 22 – July 22 You will inspire your co-workers to greatness after they learn they can do no worse than you.

Libra – September 23 – October 22 Remember when your girl asks you if there is anything that you could love more than her, bacon is the wrong answer.

Leo – July 23 – August 22 Your mom will get drunk at the family reunion and tell everyone how worried she is about how your excessive masturbation could damage the nerves in your dick and your arm.

Scorpio – October 23 – November 21 You’ll sneak into your girlfriend’s apartment to surprise her for your second anniversary only to discover that you gatecrashed another celebration she is having with her other boyfriend.

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DECEMBER 2013

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