Blitz January 2014

THE THINGS EVERY MAN SHOULD KNOW

COOL OFF

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Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Craig Patterson Creative Director Jette Stephens Cover Design Jette Stephens Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Staff Photographers Jarrod Fresquez, Jonah Gilmore, Steven Hendrix, Kevin Jacobson, Rick Leal, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Arthur Bellfield, Peter Gerstenzang, Ethan Harmon, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Amber LaFrance, Will Martin, Mark Miller, Hannah Allen White Contributing Photographers/Artists: Scott Audette, Stan Balazia, Robert Bejil, Koko Chanel, Kyle Christy, Michael Kolch, Gus Philippas, Katelyn Rose, Mark Shannon, Brandon Showers, diskychick, Sister72 Contributing Writers: Cote Bailey, Gary Dowell, Andrew J. Hewett, Karina Manlove

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2012 REVENUE FOR TAKE2 INTERACTIVE, THE COMPANY THAT OWNS THE NBA 2K SERIES

$1,214,048,000

2013 was the year Madden was dethroned as King of Sports Games with the successful coup of NBA 2014. In honor of the new regime here’s the Cliff’s Notes:

80 10

RATINGS NUMBER THAT EVERY NBA PLAYER WANTS TO BE ABOVE ON THE GAME

AMOUNT OF GRAMMY-WINNING ARTISTS ON THE GAME’S SOUNDTRACK AS OF 1/1/2014

28

NUMBER OF DESIGNER BASKETBALL SHOES TO CHOOSE FROM INCLUDING NIKE, UNDER ARMOR, ADIDAS, BRAND JORDAN, AND LI NING

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NUMBERS OF COPIES SOLD WORLDWIDE

JANUARY 2014

$5,000,000 +

4

$250K – $1M EXPECTED PAYDAY FOR ANY PLAYER TO MAKE IT ON THE COVER

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THE COOLEST

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Photo by: Scott Audette

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GIRLS ON ICE

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The Incredibly Talented

BY WILL MARTIN – MRWILL316@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

W

oe are you long suffering Stars fans.

You have been agonizing over the absence of a playoff visit for quite some time. Back in 2008 there were dreams of “1999” dancing in the hearts and minds of Stars fans when the team fell one game short of a Stanley Cup showdown. It has been a drought that has created quite a thirst.

Mr. Seguin

If one were to address allegations of a lifestyle of a 21-year old with all the talent in the world with a penchant for seeking a good time you might be a little off the mark. Kids will be kids after all. I defy anyone to have the kind of success Tyler Seguin had in three years under the tough microscope of Boston

That kind of letdown has been hard to stomach for five years ...but there is hope.

A new star is rising. Tyler Seguin at 21 years of age with his speed, creativity, and aptitude makes this all the more interesting.

It was speculated

turning 18 (he turns 22 on January 31st). All that early success for a youngster is enough to make most old people resent the fruits given to the kid.

Time has a funny way of evening things out and revealing the truth. While 2013-14 will go down as a season with new realignments and matchups and rivalries, we also are seeing an incredible amount of talent in the Western Conference as the Stars will be hard-pressed to keep up and make the playoffs in 2014. Yet many of the chess pieces are in place for multiple checkmates.

With that said one might wonder how excited and how dedicated Tyler Seguin was to want to connect with Jamie Benn on the front lines as the No.1 line as little as four months ago in training camp? Any pressure to perform alongside the captain, Tyler?

“We’re becoming good friends off the ice and I think that’s only going to translate to good things on the ice. Through training camp, preseason, I feel like every day with practices we’re getting to know one another and we bring two different games to the table,” said Seguin.

Michael Kolch that Tyler Seguin needed a new start after an interesting three-year run in Beantown which included trips to the Stanley Cup. What was his reaction to the news of the trade at the time?

“I am very excited for the new experience [in Dallas]. I am very excited in earning the respect of my new teammates, the management, and definitely the fans,” said Seguin.

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

and not get into an occasional run-in with those whom we deem a ‘hater’ of incredible talent!

In today’s information age there is always smoke but rarely fire as in a story but not necessarily proof. Imagine yourself getting drafted at age 17 by the Boston Bruins and then you are hoisting a trophy mere months after

Boston is renowned for being a passionate but tough sports town. Was there a level of pressure that allowed him to thrive while there and thus be ready for whatever challenges Dallas presented?

“I think that over the course of my short career, I guess you could say that I’ve seen all types of pressure, whether it’s been the regular season or playoffs not producing or the Stanley Cup final, you’ve just got to go the same way. You’ve got to be putting enough pressure on yourself as it is.

You’ve got to perform and stay consistent. It was nice to get things going,” said Seguin.

Back in October there was a week of reunion road trips for a few of his teammates and himself for a game with the Boston Bruins. More than a few people in the media made a big deal about the idea of having a clean slate in Dallas.

The return trip to Boston was a good one as he would figure in the win with a nice goal near game’s end. It would seem more than plausible that the team of Seguin and Benn were thinking back to September and finding the right mix of kryptonite and gunpowder.

It happened again December 7 as Seguin would get a natural hat trick with a four-goal outburst in the second period of a 5-1 victory over the Philadelphia Flyers. The first win over the Broad Street Bullies at home since March 13, 2007 - the week Mike Modano became the all-time American scoring leader.

This is the very thing the Dallas Stars have been enjoying when Number 91 is on his game and utilizing his speed and agility. It might not be this year with the new realignments, but the Dallas Stars have a hell of a duo a la Ruth-Gehrig, Durant-Westbrook, McGwire-Canseco, KobeShaq, Swann-Stallworth with the line of Benn and Seguin.

The Dallas Stars – injury depleted though they may be sans Stephane Robidas and Trevor Daley– now serve notice to the rest of the NHL that the old guard gets deputized in the new southwestern baptism of trial by ice.

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FIGHT CLUB

UFC 169 Preview

BY FRANK LACOSTA – FLACOSTA@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

Benson “Smooth” Henderson (20-5-0) vs. Josh “The Punk” Thomson (19-3-0) The main event pits two relatively evenly-matched warriors.

Henderson is coming off of a recent submission loss to Anthony Pettis. Prior to that he was on a roll defeating the likes of Nate Diaz, Frankie Edgar (back-to-back) and Clay Guida. Benson is the younger fighter and possesses better striking and takedown ability. Thomson on the other hand is coming off of a series of recent alternating wins and losses. He is taller and has the reach advantage if they decide to stand and brawl. My prediction: Henderson is no dummy and will take this one to the mat as quickly as possible with a win via decision.

Darren “The Damage” Elkins (18-3-0) vs. Jeremy “Lil’ Heathen” Stephens (22-9-0) This fight has “grinder” written all over it since both fighters have a wrestling background. Don’t look for them to stand and bang too long. It’ll be interesting to see who has the upper hand once this one gets to the ground. Stephens will come out and throw punches since he has reach on his side though and if he gets lucky he ends this fight early. My prediction: Stephens doesn’t have luck on his side and Elkins dominates him earning the decision after all is said and done.

Stipe Miocic (10-1-0) vs. Gabriel “Napao” Gonzaga (16-7-0) Miocic is a relative newcomer with a boxing and wrestling background. Physically speaking he has a bit of a height advantage but his real asset is his reach and power. When he connects it hurts. However he is still learning and that should play into Gonzaga’s hands. Napao is the quicker of the two and will want to keep the fight on his feet. My prediction: Expect this one to go three rounds with Miocic winning via the knockout. Take it to the bank. That’s all I’m saying.

Disagree with me? Let me know via twitter @BlitzWeekly and we’ll see who has better picks the night of the fights.

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How The Cowboys Are Killing Their Fanbase: An Unbiased Tale

BY MARK MILLER – MMILLER@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

diskychick

A

s a North Texas resident for just five years and a Green Bay Packers fan for life (I promise not to rub it in about the December 15 game), I certainly have no expertise whatsoever into what it means to be a Dallas Cowboys fan.

I can’t directly tell you the psyche of these people who have endured enough emotional roller coasters to keep the psychiatric profession in business for many years to come. I’ve not personally experienced the highs of the eight Super Bowl appearances and five Super Bowl victories or the lows of the late 1980s and the past 18 years.

Landry’s last three teams of 1986-88 failed to even get to the .500 mark, much less to the playoffs.

“But I don’t remember that. If the last Cowboys Super Bowl victory was on January 28th, 1996, I was 12 days away from being 3 years old.”

It appears to an outsider like me that the team’s success between the 1970 and 1995 seasons – eight Super Bowls played in, five won – set a standard for a generation of fans that’s fallen far short ever since.

Blueberryicedcoffee points out that in his lifetime, the Cowboys have only won one playoff game that he can actually remember.

With only four playoff appearances in the past 13 years, exactly how has the Cowboys mediocrity affected the typical Cowboys fan?

Sky Mirror Fire Head Coach

Run Pass Play

Considering the Alternatives

Coddle son Stephen

Build New Stadium

Fire Defensive Coordinator

But it’s pretty apparent that Cowboy fans today put plenty of blame on the team’s charismatic owner/general manager.

“You can’t win the Super Bowl with a part-time general manager,” said Jim King of New Braunfels, a lifelong Dallas fan whose dislike for Jones goes beyond that. “I lost my passion when Jerry Jones fired Tom Landry. My mother had been a longtime season ticket holder and sold them and I went from an ardent fan to a casual fan like so many others.”

Whether you listen to ESPN, The Fan, or The Ticket, hosts and callers alike seem to blame Jones for most of the team’s ills since he bought the team in 1989. They quickly forget that

Make Papa John’s Commercial

Start the Wave

So we can’t pin such bragging on Jerry Jones.

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

“Come this off-season, I’ll regain my interest in the Cowboys,” he continued “I’ll research draft prospects like a mad man, and follow every move they make. But to watch the Cowboys totally collapse in every aspect of the game, and

Jerry Jones Game Control

Fortunately, I know a bunch of people who have been through this ringer. And thanks to sports radio and social media, finding the pulse of the average fan today is easier than ever. So it was to those avenues I turned to when asked to write something about what has so long without even a chance at winning the Vince Lombardi Trophy done to the diehards who follow “America’s Team.”

First, I wondered who gave the Cowboys that moniker? I mean, what right do they have to call themselves that. Following small-town Green Bay better known back then as Titletown, we always thought the Packers were “America’s Team.” Turns out it was one of those deep-voiced announcers on highlight films from the 1970s that gave Dallas its title because of its frequent appearances on television back then.

Sister72

Trade for Wide Receiver “I don’t make plans to watch the game like I used to and don’t have Cowboys’ watching parties like I did in the 90s,” said Carrollton’s Mike McCormick, who moved to Texas from Illinois in 1973. “If they’re on a Sunday or Monday night game, I’ll tape it and watch something else. I’ll follow it on Twitter to see if it’s worth turning on the game.”

On the message board at Dallascowboys.com the day after the loss to Green Bay, fan Blueberryicedcoffee said for the first time in his life, he didn’t watch the Cowboys. He went sledding instead.

“I’ve gotten to the point this season that I’m almost completely disinterested in the Cowboys,” he said. “I know there are a bunch of guys here in their 30s, 40s, and 50s who remember the glory days, and want the team to be dominant like that again.

everyone just blame it on Tony Romo like usual, is tiresome and disheartening.”

A person named JP_Balfour mirrored those thoughts.

“Sad thing is there’s an entire generation of fans like you out there,” he said. “I was born in 82 so I was in the prime of my childhood when the Cowboys were at their best in their history.

“Sad thing is...as diehard as I’ve been, I can feel my fandom starting to waiver. I actually didn’t even get mad at the end yesterday (against the Packers). It was expected. This team is losing me, albeit slowly, but they are losing me nonetheless.

It would have been easier if we were 4-12 and a young team building up...at least that would give me excitement. All this team does now is give me an empty feeling year after year.”

At least the Cowboys aren’t like my favorite pro basketball team, the Milwaukee Bucks.

With just one National Basketball Association championship (1971) and a handful of conference finals appearances (the last in 2001), they have for years fallen into the black hole of irrelevancy. Too many fans show up dressed up as empty seats or don’t make much noise when they are there.

The same held true for the football Cardinals when they were located in St. Louis. They always seemed to finish somewhere either side of .500 and hardly ever made the playoffs. Only after they moved to Arizona did that franchise come back on the national radar and appear in a Super Bowl.

Since the Cowboys continue performing to standing-room-only crowds and will not be leaving Arlington any time soon, what will it take for them to return to their glory days? Better players say most people, ones preferably acquired by someone other than Jones.

“As long as Jerry Jones is calling the shots we won’t be deep enough to go very far,” King said. “We can’t afford to have injuries like some folks can.”

The Colony’s Chris Broerman feels the same way.

“It goes back to the general manager and his decisions,” Broerman said.

“Romo is doing all he can. Maybe he’s trying too hard because he has to do too much.

“The problem is his (Jones’) boys are in the business too. They could never get a job in the league anywhere else.”

Talk shows before the Green Bay game also discussed the lack of depth. Jones received blame for not stocking enough high draft picks to provide quality back ups.

One host on The Ticket went as far as to suggest Jason Garrett would make a better general manager than a head coach. Of course as long as the Jones family runs the show, it’s likely nobody outside the clan will be in charge.

So history will ultimately tell us if that’s good or bad for the Dallas Cowboys and their fans.

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DFW

hip-hop scene is at an interesting crossroads

BY ARTHUR BELLFIELD – COMMENTS@BLITZWEEKLY.COM “Hip hop in Dallas has been stronger in years past, but this entire city has failed to support its own. I think the underground scene was affected by the closing of several hip hop spots in Deep Ellum. It’s hard to find venues to hear new and upcoming talent.”

-Colby Savage, rapper I couldn’t have said it better myself as I look around the Dallas hip hop community, and wonder where does it go from here? However, before I or anyone else can truly answer that question we have to take a brief look back at where it’s been.

A few years ago Mr. Pookie and Mr. Luccie were the talk of the town, and local favorites like Pikahsso Allen Poe, Steve Austin and Money Waters were on the verge of greatness. At one point almost everyone who rapped or produced was affiliated with Clout Records – or against them.

Those days are long gone along with DFWhiphop.com, Dallashiphop.com, a host of forgotten websites dedicated to promoting local rappers, and several online communities for their fans. Also gone are a slew of radio shows, Final Fridays, ciphers, and clubs that catered to a hip hop hungry crowd.

Currently there’s no major online outlet for DFW hip hop fans. However, there are a handful of online radio shows that have stepped up to support local hip hop due to the lack of true support from local radio. Among these are: Grass Root Salute Radio hosted by Hunter and Brenian Swift on DeepEllumOnAir.com and Yessurr FM; Living the Hustle hosted by Ms. Mischa tha Diva and Mr.Lth; and The Street Committee both on thaafterparty.com The DFW Cypher is another avenue that many emcees are exploring to test their talents and make a name for themselves in the city. And, of course events like the recent Lamar Street Festival continue to help the cause of putting Dallas hip hop on the map.

Lyrical legends in the making such as Al Lyric, Merk, King Corleone, Drama tha King, Word Life, Blaze Won, Snow Da Product, and more are still fighting the good fight to put Dallas hip hop on SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

the map. Hopefully the Teddy Cool documentary “We From Dallas” will help the rest of the world see our vast and talented artists.

There was hope that rapper Dorrough would become the first DFW artist to truly make it big. He released two albums via E1 Music and worked with the likes of Soulja Boy, E40, Yo Gotti, and Slim Thug, however, he failed to gain the popularity to surpass that tipping point into becoming more just another southern rapper.

And, honestly like so many other local rappers he never gained a strong following in his hometown.

Big Tuck, Tum Tum, PPT and a small cast of others also have suffered a similar fate.

Perhaps it will be up to moguls in the making like Damon Crenshaw and his Crenshaw Entertainment group who have their hands in almost every aspect of the music business, to mold the next Jay Z, Wale, or Andre 3000.

“I think there is still a market for DFW hip hop, but sometimes an artist needs to step back and realize they need management that can help them through the storm,” Crenshaw said. “If you been rapping for a while and still no financial progress, you have to learn to step your game up with the big boys. That means after the recording have your music mastered and submitted to your local radio stations. Sometimes an artist can only do so much.”

Another mogul in the making is K. Edward Ross, owner/talent manager of Yessurr FM. “The hip hop music community here in Dallas is similar to any other major metropolitan area,” Ross said. “I feel independent artists everywhere suffer from the same isolationist mentality.

It is the same problem that the Republican party suffered from during the last presidential election. The Republicans listened to their own pundits, pollsters and internal yes men. They had no idea what was happening in the real world because they did not talk to every day people nor do they care what the “little” people think.”

The “real world” in which Ross speaks did produce the fantastic production duo of Play n Skillz, who were positioned to put Dallas on the map. But, after taking Lil Wayne to court over unpaid royalties they have almost abandoned hip hop in favor of pop and dance music.

Many people have speculated they have been blackballed by the hip hop elite.

Dominque Shelton, D Slim, and Jaems IV go crate digging at CD Source on Greenville Ave.

Koko Chanel Which brings us back to the original question of where does the hip hop scene go from here? And, more importantly, which artist has the best chance to break out?

When I sent the word out that I was writing this article a few artists stepped up to let the world know how they feel about their own projects as well as “whose got next?”

Don Shelton, who is known as a thinking man’s rapper, said: “I think right now we have such a diverse mix of spiritual awareness and consciousness from different spectrums there are lots of ways that I can answer that question. I think probably the most likely breakout stars that we have are Tonk, A. Dd+ and all of Brain Gang.”

Actor and much-talented lyricist Jaems IV, whose new video “Evrywerdatigo” has almost 90,000 YouTube views, had a slightly different opinion.

“I don’t really know who has industry appeal as far as Indie acts fully by name which goes back to my last answer we need an outlet the allows us as artists and fans to connect and become familiar with our own,” he said. “But there is myself of course Iike this artist Annonymous Culture he is pretty dope!.”

Bigg Jams of Foshoboiz Records kept his answer simple foreshadowing a future that may come sooner than many of his haters realize.

“Foshoboiz Records, cuz we’ve been grinding and gonna keep on grinding until we get signed,” he said.

It’s that hunger or “hustle” as many people call to be authentic and noticed within the music industry that lives inside of rapper D Slim. After mentioning that his Dollaz n Sense and Yea I Said It mixtapes

are available he added that he’s also developing a mini-movie to tie into his next album.

In conclusion I would like to say the following; we live in a post hip hop summit reality, and Russell Simmons isn’t coming back to town anytime soon. Erykah Badu has done all she can to help uplift the social consciousness and profiles of area musicians and rappers, but she can’t help everyone’s career nor should we expect her to. It’s time that members of the DFW hip hop community realize their biggest obstacle is themselves.

They’re complaining about venues not letting them do shows due to artists not being able to generate enough buzz and pack clubs and bars.

However, just going to the studio and uploading your new single to the Internet isn’t going to bring all the ladies to the bar. And, if I’ve learned anything from watching Bar Rescue it’s that men will come wherever the pretty ladies are.

Also, to piggyback on what Crenshaw said about the artist needing management, they also need a solid public relations/social media team behind them to let magazines, blogs, record labels, etc. know who they are and what they do.

I checked several artists’ Twitter, Facebook, and Reverb pages and most of them had less than a thousand followers. Step up your social media game. However, don’t just rely upon social media alone. Get out and hit every open mic you can to solidify your core fanbase.

Lastly, I want to say that I love the high level of talent in the area, however, no one is hearing the music. And, if the DFW hip hop scene is going to rise and become something so great and notable, then people are going to need to hear the music.

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BY C. CRAIG PATTERSON – CPATTERSON@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

A

question arose at a dinner party one night on whether or not my grandfather if injected into the present as the same age as me ‘could he beat me in a fight?’ Of course, the overtly alpha-male inside me immediately responded with “I could take him” – probably fueled by the Nespresso espresso I had just chugged. But after analyzing all the available data, I began to reconsider.

Here are the facts: At 30 years old I spend about 4-6 hours a day in front of a laptop sipping Redbull. At 30 he was fighting in Korea in a plane with a red bull painted on the front. Score 1: Grandpa. I have a closet full of designer dress shirts. He wore basically four shirts his entire life and none had the word dress in front of it. I’m lactose intolerant. I watched this man while in his 60’s syphon his own gas – with his mouth – when he thought it was a bad batch. Yeah, he would have beaten the crap out of me. It would be horrific.

The whole scenario brings up the conundrum of modern manhood. We have lattes and Twitter. We are guilty of knowing at least three reality TV stars’ names and retweeting things called memes. The evolution of the current incarnation of man has made us virtually unrecognizable to our old stereotypical standards of what it took to be manly. Today’s man is expected to be a well-read, multi-tasking pop-culture quoting regurgitator, and stylish overachiever as well as a political zealot who counts his carb intake.

When or where did things get so strange?

On the following pages we’ll explore some of the intricacies of manhood.

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The 5 Exes That You’ll Probably Meet

What is a

MAN? I

inhell

BY KELLY REED – KREED@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

nevitably every man stumbles upon two questions: What is a man? And do I have what it takes to embody that? Well those questions have been sitting in the back of my mind for quite some time. It’s nearly taken over my existence. Over and over I play it out. When I looked across the dinner table at my wife.

When playing with my son. When I walked my dog at night. While staring off into space at an intersection. What is a man? I swore I knew the answer only to find unsure. Certainly the masses would be able to validate my thoughts.

B

ecause it’s better to have loved and run for the hills than to have never loved at all and your fondness for gin in dimly lit rooms, it may be time to come to grips with your odds of spending the afterlife in a slightly warmer climate. And if Hell is half as bad as we’ve heard, these are your exes who surely are waiting to re-torture you. Yeah, it’s going to be a rough eternity.

I’d mention this out loud in line at the post office. A woman, in her mid-30s would turn around and give me her unbiased opinion. “I’ll tell you what I like,” she said. “I like honesty, men today lie too much. Real men are honest.” With that she was off to her business. I found it an interesting enough thought.

The One-Night Stand That Stuck Around You remember, one night in college when you hooked up with that quiet girl from Introduction to Astronomy and left before she woke up only to realize that you left your favorite sweatshirt.

She spent the next six-weeks trying to return it… guess what she’ll be wearing when she sees you.

The Girl Whose Heart You Broke In High School You invited her to the dance and then wound up making out with her friend behind the bleachers.

Expect the Prometheus liver/eagle treatment except you are Prometheus and the liver is your family jewels and the eagle is her swift kick.

The Insanely Hot, Crazy Chick

The Ex-Wife

This girl was 10 years out of your league. She owned a copy of the Kama Sutra that had handwritten page critiques inside and was absolutely bad news everywhere she went.

Besides her role as the Patron Saint of Evil Things and the taker of the house, the dog, and half your collection of Aerosmith records, she also serves as ruler of Dante’s Ninth-Circle of Hell. Just imagine a castration with a jagged rusty nail that lasts from now until to let’s say forever.

The One That Got Away Oh she won’t actually be there. There’ll just be a beautiful portrait of her in the room where the other women are torturing you.

Things Man Should Eat

Right Now!

+ Words Unknown By Men 5 Years Ago

Gluten – Kimye – Selfie – Foodie – Bromance – K – Twerk SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Over a lunch meeting I again would ask this simple question to a young man, probably in his early 20s. Between French fry infused smacks, he gave it some thought – undoubtedly trying to recall a movie quote or something he saw on Twitter to be able to reply with some bumper sticker-esque wisdom. He finally came up with, “Man that’s tough. One word…Confident.” Not to leave me with such a cliffhanger, he followed up with, “when you’re confident, people follow you. They don’t question you. Then you know you are the man.” Well that helps, sort of.

Not exactly satisfied, I kept thinking it over. A couple of weeks later I was able to pose the question to a friend over a couple of beers. Now being a man of a higher moral fiber and amble life experience to pull from, he came up with “being responsible,” since it implies so much.

“A man makes sacrifices for the betterment of others,” came out of his mouth as the bottle tapped the table. He would enumerate about how his dad always provided for the family and put up with a bunch of crazy shit that only kids can create.

My definition of manhood was sufficient, for now at least.

The moments that I spend now looking at my son and thinking of the future full of advice, wisdom, stern-talkings to, perspectives, reassurances, attaboys, and what were you thinkings that we have ahead of us show me exactly what my manhood is all about.

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12 Lessons Ron Burgundy Learned From His Father …and you can too

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Become the Best Version of

You

BY AMBER LAFRANCE – ALAFRANCE@BLITZWEEKLY.COM All right guys, if you’re looking for love, this list is definitely for you. If you have a lady already and somehow tied her down without doing the 11 things below, please take notes on how to keep her around. Don’t worry about stealing your little sister’s “Cosmo” to try to get into the mind of women, I’ll save you the trouble and tell you how to make yourself more attractive to women right now.

1. Chivalry is not dead: Open the door for her.

The car, the house, the store, or the restaurant. It’s not hard and it doesn’t cost a thing. Every time a man opens the door for me I literally swoon. It makes me want to push a guy against the car and kiss him right there.

2. Go to the gym: Don’t get me wrong, Jonah Hill is charming and funny but so is Ryan Gosling (and then some). You do the math. Beer bellies are not very attractive from, you know, that angle.

You don’t have to be a body builder, but taking care of yourself will go a long way in my book.

3. Leave the pessimism at the door: If you’re the type of dude who hates on everything under the sun STOP right now. Nobody wants to be with a man they think is too hard to please. A guy who is fun to be around instantly moves to the top of my list.

On career

On self-esteem

Just love scotch and the companionship of small dogs. Do those two things and the news will do itself.

Even if all the Roman gods had engaged in sweet love making with the entire Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue of 1964, a more spectacular spawn could not have been created.

On selflessness I once saw my father get the wrong order from China Palace…he ate it anyway. He despises spring rolls. The man was a saint.

On relationships

Once a month I hug a hobo so they can smell like success for a moment. It’s not tax deductible, but it’s worth it.

If a smelly pirate can get a hooker son, so can you.

On the meaning of life There are two things that matter in this life and one of them is both of them. They both may or may not be naked fly-fishing.

On Style He looked me right in the eye and said, “Son, craft a good mustache, an honest mustache, and women will take you home and have hot filthy sex with you.”

A copious amount of chest hair is a sign to any mate that you can forage and provide.

Never date a woman who uses a shampoo you don’t approve of – it shows poor critical thinking.

On getting older Bathe with a dozen puppies. It steals their youth and gives it to you. How else do you think I keep the exuberant glow of a majestic lion?

On conflict resolution When in combat with an enemy, latch unmercifully onto their testicles until they declare you the victor. That’s how wars are won.

There are times in life where you have to be the better man and there are times when you gotta have a good old fashioned blindfolded broken bottle fight to the death.

4. Leave the cross-trainers at home: A man’s shoes say a lot about him. Some girls won’t even give you a chance if you don’t have good shoes.

Honestly, I’m not a big fan of tennis shoes either way, so invest in a nice pair of wingtip dress shoes or smoking flats. Don’t know what smoking flats are? Look it up. If you wear Crocs EVER….I’m sorry but it’s not happening.

8. Put on an apron: A way to a woman’s heart is her stomach. If you don’t know how to cook, take a class, record an episode of Roger Mooking’s Everyday Exotic or just check out his recipes online (rogermooking.com). Even if it’s something as simple as homemade brisket grilled cheese, she’ll appreciate the effort.

9. Just breathe: No seriously! Before you whisper in her ear or lean in for that kiss, go to the bathroom, put your hand in front of your mouth and just breathe. Bad breath is a true deal breaker and mood wrecker. I recommend flossing and using a tongue scraper daily. Keep a pack of mints or breath strips in your pocket always. You’ll thank me later.

10. Confidence is key: Who cares if you don’t drive a Lamborghini? Even if you’re rolling in a used Honda, if you’re confident you’re light years ahead of the game. Be comfortable in your own skin and you’ll make us feel more comfortable in ours.

11. For the love of God, please take a bath or shower: …like daily. You’re not in college anymore. You’re an adult and the whole “I haven’t showered for weeks” look is so not sexy.

As always, it’s been a pleasure.

Amber

5. Be Polite: If you’re rude to the waiter, the receptionist, whoever that’s a reflection on the kind of person you are. Stay light-hearted and understand things happen and often are out of your control. There’s no point in taking it out on the waiter, that’s a big red flag that you’ll take it out on me.

6. Stop talking about yourself and just listen: While they won’t admit it, women love to talk about themselves. Let them talk, listen, and enjoy the view.

7. Shut it down: You’ve both had a long day of work and have finally been seated to enjoy a good meal. I know your friend posted a hilarious picture of his dog on a skateboard and the Mavs are winning, but please put the phone on silent or simply turn it off. As I mentioned before, we love attention. Please don’t make us feel like your cell phone’s mistress.

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Films have taken different routes when a star died before completion The Three Stooges Shorts (1956). When “Shemp” Howard died from a heart attack in 1955, it left Moe and Larry one stooge short and contractually obligated to deliver four more shorts to Columbia Pictures. Budget cuts forced the other two Stooges to complete Rumpus in the Harem, Hot Stuff, Scheming Schemers, and Commotion on the Ocean via use of stock footage, a stand-in, and dialogue dubbed in from previous shorts. Shemp was replaced by Joe Besser later in 1956.

Saratoga (1937). The original platinum blonde starlet, Jean Harlow, had experienced a meteoric rise to stardom before her tragic death from kidney failure at age 27. Though the movie was 90 percent finished, Universal Studios wanted to re-shoot it with another actress. Harlow’s fans protested, and the film was completed with body and voice doubles.

(Co-star Clark Gable likened it to performing with a ghost). The movie was released less than two months after her passing.

Giant (1956). James Dean had just one film (East of Eden) in theaters and two more (Rebel Without a Cause and Giant) on the way when he died behind the wheel of his Porsche 550 Spyder in 1955, cutting short one of the most promising acting careers of the era at age 25. Dean still needed some voice dubbing on Giant as co-star Nick Adams impersonated his voice in Dean’s climactic final scene.

BY GARY DOWELL – WWW.MOVIEINK.NET

W

hile Paul Walker’s death in November devastated the friends and fans of the popular actor it also put the future of the ”Fast and Furious” franchise in limbo.

The seventh film in the series, intended as a starting point for a third trilogy of “F&F” movies – was in mid-filming when Walker died, and the actor still had several major scenes to shoot. The release date has reportedly been pushed back a full year while director James Wan and Universal Studios execs discuss their options, which range from heavy rewrites to starting the production over from scratch.

It’s a difficult situation, and one that sadly occurs from time to time. Following are some past instances when a star died during production, and how filmmakers responded to the challenge: SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959).

Legendary schlock director Ed Wood had been working with Dracula star Bela Lugosi on a number of low-budget projects when the latter died of a heart attack in 1956. Wood handled the situation in his own inimitable style by writing Plan 9 aka Grave Robbers from Outer Space, working his unused footage of Lugosi into the film, and using footage of his wife’s chiropractor as a stand-in, even though he bore little resemblance to Lugosi (a problem “solved” by having him hold a cape in front of his face much of the time).

Something’s Got to Give (1962). Marilyn Monroe already had been fired from and re-hired to this troubled remake of My Favorite Wife when she committed suicide shortly before filming resumed. Twentieth Century-Fox overhauled the film with an entirely new cast and released it as Move Over, Darling in 1963. Monroe’s footage remained unseen until 2001, when it was digitally restored and assembled into a 37-minute segment and released on her 75th birthday.

The Game of Death (1978). Bruce Lee had completed Enter the Dragon and filmed roughly 100 minutes of footage for Game of Death when a cerebral edema claimed his life in 1973. The epic action centerpiece of the latter (which included battles with Hugh O’Brien and Kareem AbdulJabbar) had been completed but most of the rest of the film was not. Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was hired to finish the film via use of stand-ins (including a cardboard cut-out in one shot), archive footage, and (questionably) footage from Lee’s funeral.

The Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983).

This anthology film directed by John Landis, Steven Spielberg, Joe Dante, and George Miller was almost scrapped when a helicopter crash during a stunt sequence took the lives of actor Vic Morrow and two child actors (who had been illegally hired). Morrow’s segment was left slightly incomplete, and all the scenes featuring the children were removed. Litigation over the incident lasted for nearly a decade.

Brainstorm (1983). Special effects wizard Douglas Trumbull’s haunting sci-fi drama was nearly scrapped when lead actress Natalie Wood drowned during a boat trip with husband Robert Wagner and co-star Christopher Walken. Wood had already completed her major scenes, but MGM used her death as an excuse to shutdown the over-budget production. Lloyd’s of London stepped in to finance the remainder of the filming, and Trumbull completed it with rewrites and a body double.

The Crow (1994). In a cruel twist of fate, Bruce Lee’s son Brandon died during the filming of what would have been his breakthrough role, killed in a freak accident involving a prop gun.

The movie went into limbo until Miramax picked it up; some script rewrites allowed for it to be completed with minimal use of a stunt double and CGI. Wagons East! (1994). John Candy didn’t want to appear in this western comedy, but was contractually obligated to do so. After his death from a heart attack mid-production, his few remaining scenes were either not filmed, rewritten not to involve him, or were filmed using a stand-in. (One sequence simply re-used footage from an earlier one.) Despite being Candy’s final role, it was a box office bomb, and currently holds a 0 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Gladiator (2000). Oliver Reed’s death during the filming of Ridley Scott’s historical epic created an unexpected and tricky post-production hurdle

for the crew, who created a digital double for the remaining scenes involving his character by photographing a live action body-double and mapping a three-dimensional CGI mask of Reed’s face onto him. The estimated cost – $3.2 million for two minutes worth of footage.

Queen of the Damned (2002). Budding young singer-actor Aaliyah was barely into a promising career that included three studio LPs and a feature film Romeo Must Die when she died in a plane crash at age 22. Queen of the Damned was largely complete at the time, though her brother Rashad re-dubbed some of her lines during post-production. She had been cast in a small role in the Matrix sequels, and was subsequently replaced by Nona Gaye.

The Matrix Revolutions (2003). Gloria Foster died before she could complete any of her scenes as the Oracle for the final film of the Matrixtrilogy or its video game spin-off, Enter the Matrix. Her friend and colleague Mary Alice took over the role, with the change explained in-story as a disguise of sorts.

The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus (2009). When Heath Ledger died suddenly in 2008, his work on The Dark Knight was fully completed. Director Terry Gilliam, whose bad luck during filming is almost legendary, was not so fortunate, having just begun work on this fantasy.

Gilliam found a novel solution involving neither CGI nor doubles. Instead, he rewrote Ledger’s character to morph into others as he traveled through a dream world; each incarnation was played by the actor’s friends, Colin Farrell, Jude Law, and Johnny Depp, all of whom donated their paychecks to Ledger’s daughter.

Iron Cross (2009). During the filming of writer-director Joshua Newton’s Holocaust drama in 2009, leading man Roy Scheider (Jaws) died of multiple myeloma – the same disease that killed Newton’s father (upon whom the story is based) nine months earlier. His scenes were completed with the now-standard use of CGI and a stand-in.

Dark Blood (2012). River Phoenix’s fatal drug overdose in 1993 left George Sluizer’s drama only partially finished, and the project was virtually abandoned for 18 years. Sluizer held onto the footage until recently, re-editing it and replacing the unfilmed scenes with narration – a solution some critics described as surprisingly effective, though it still technically is an incomplete film.

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Making New Year’s Resolutions –

Rock and Roll Style

BY PETER GERSTENZANG – PZANG7@OPTONLINE.NET

R

JANUARY 2014

19

ock and Roll Resolutions are really no different than the regular kind. Meaning, you have to get rid of bad habits, ones that are doing you real harm. Clearly, some of them are easier to jettison than others. Like listening to James Blunt. Still, as the New Year begins, I’ve made a list of things I’ve grown used to and must change to save my soul. Those last three words remind me that nothing is impossible. Meaning, I tossed out the Jewel album in 1996. So, you see, it can be done.

Resolution No. 1: It’s okay to throw the Devil Horns, as long as you’re careful to whom. In other words, I promise it won’t ever happen again, Father Murphy.

Resolution No. 2: I vow to not read any more interviews with Joni Mitchell. I’m tired of her whining, complaining and putting everybody down. I’m gonna stick with somebody who’s got a positive, more balanced view of life. Yep, tomorrow, I start reading Sarah Palin’s book about The War On Christmas.

Resolution No. 3: Remember to not buy tickets for Rod Stewart and The Faces reunion for 2021. No rush on this.

Resolution No. 4: Try and keep an open mind about Miley Cyrus. After all, I couldn’t stand her father when he started out. And now....oh who am I kidding?

Resolution No. 5: Stop hoping Bruce will realize he needs to start singing again like a guy from Jersey and not like Yosemite Sam. Bruce, stop it. I’ve been in the audience. There ain’t no varmints out there!

Resolution No. 6: Everyone knows that Kanye West is thoroughly obnoxious. And that Lou Reed said, before he died, that West was a “genius.” So I resolve to get the rapper to do a duet with Lou. You can take that any way you want. But regarding Kanye? I resolve to make the whole thing look like an accident.

Resolution No. 7: I plan to get Adam Levine to stop doing what he does. As soon as I find out what it is that he does.

Resolution No. 8: I hope to get Lindsay Lohan a three-album and two-book deal. Whatever it takes to keep her so busy, she never appears on the screen again.

Resolution No. 9: I hope to get Jared Leto six movies in 2014. Whatever it takes to keep him so busy, he never makes an album again.

Resolution No. 10: Send congratulatory telegram to Eminem for his success this year. But tell him to please not call the next record The Slim Shady LP 2. That would really be cheesy. Then, expect return telegram from Em, saying he is going to stab me and put me in the trunk of his car. Send back a telegram that says, “That has so already been done.” If I turn up missing, please start the questioning with Eminem.

GRANADATHEATER.COM ||| 214-824-9933 ||| 3524 GREENVILLE AVE.

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S

o, last month I decided to give a guy a second chance. He’d contacted me through Facebook and apologized for being a douche to me last year, so I took him up on his offer to take me out.

The verdict is in: I won’t see him again. It’s not because he isn’t nice, or isn’t attractive enough, or anything like that. It’s because he talked about himself all the time. He did that last year, too. He’d go on and on about whatever subject or issue, and I’d want to interject, but every time I tried, he talked over me. It happened on the date: Him: “Yeah, and then I lost about 30 pounds.

I think the last time you saw me I was over 200, and now I’m at 185.”

Me: “Oh, wo--” Him: “I cook all the time and rarely go out to eat anymore.”

Me: “Tha--” Him: “I bought some exercise equipment and work out at home.”

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THE DOS & DON'TS OF

STILL SEARCHING

on about his ex-girlfriend who was now dating and living with one of his friends (yes, again! He brought up his ex again!) and the home gym he’d set up, I ordered a slice of pumpkin cheesecake. I thought, you know what, screw it and screw this date, and I’m going to eat some of this delicious cheesecake and go home and vent to my housemate.

Well, the venting didn’t happen until later, because he wanted to see a movie with me. I must have looked like a deer in headlights when he mentioned it. After leaving the restaurant I said that I’d had a long day and he said, “Aw, I really wanted to see a movie with you.” Awkwardly I agreed that I could stay awake long enough to see a movie even though I thought there was nothing dazzling about sitting in a dark theater for two hours with him, especially after a 45-minute dinner during which he talked about himself 95 percent of the time and only mentioned that my salad looked really good. I wasn’t flattered and the salad probably wasn’t either.

When the movie started I realized that a movie isn’t the most social thing, and it’s really not the best activity if you’re trying to reconnect with someone

BY KARINA MANLOVE – COMMENTS@BLITZWEEKLY.COM Me: “Awes--” and in my head ‘dude...still?!’ you pissed off. Plus there’s that awkward grabbing of Try having a conversation with someone who does my hand in the dark or the wannabe slick put-thethat for more than 10 minutes and you will have the same thought I had:“WTF?! Can I say ONE THING?!” arm-around-my-shoulder move to worry about, both of which he tried and I refused to do. I wrapped After 30 minutes of it all I really wanted to do was say “it’s really rude of you to invite me out and talk myself in my scarf and he said “if you’re cold you can come closer to me.” Come on, really? Why would I about yourself the entire time,” say thank you and leave, however, I didn’t have the nerve to do it. Every want to do that? time I wanted to comment on something like his successful weight loss, decision to start working out So, please...if you take a woman on a “whoops, I messed up the first time and I feel bad about it, so I again, or favorite recipes, he’d have moved on to a different subject. It was honestly boring! I should want to take you out again” date, don’t talk about your ex, don’t command the entire conversation so have yawned – maybe that would have given him a clue. (On second thought, probably not). she can’t fit a word in edgewise, and don’t expect that just because you paid for dinner this time that When we’d finished with dinner, the waiter came by and asked if we would like any dessert. I really she’s going to want to snuggle up to you in a cold movie theater for two hours. And don’t expect that wasn’t planning on having dessert at all, but I figured at this point, after listening to him go on and she wants to kiss you afterward.

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

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Hilarious Advice From This Guy Telling a woman to “calm down” when she’s mad is like trying to baptize a cat.

When she says, “Do whatever you want.” Don’t.

That whole New Year’s resolution crap, screw it. You’re perfect just the way you are: fat, depressing, and inadequate.

Kids that sleep with electric blankets don’t wet the bed.

Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

If your buddy buys a pair of skinny jeans, it’s time for you to go shopping too…for new friends.

By Andrew J. Hewett • www.chewednews.com DADDY HAD HIS HANDS FULL Michael Niccole, a plastic surgeon in California, allowed his 10-year-old adopted daughter, Charm, to have cosmetic procedures. Now, 15 years later, Barcroft Media reports, Charm and her sister, Brittani, both 25, have gone under their father’s knife multiple times -- getting breast augmentations and Botox injections. Charm says, “Since I had my boob job all my friends tell me that I look great.”

Capricorn – December 22 – January 19 You will quickly learn that no matter how nerdy a girl may seem she will kick you out of bed as soon as you start speaking Klingon during sex.

Aries – March 21 – April 19 Your literary career will stall as you fail to impress the publisher with your first draft of A Brief History of Ass in which you reminisce about your anal sex adventures.

Aquarius – January 20 – February 18 This month you will discover that your dad is actually your uncle and vice-versa.

Taurus – April 20 – May 20 How dare they accuse you of shoplifting due to your jacket being “too chunky.”

You’re not a thief, you’re a fat ass!

Pisces – February 19 – March 20 Sucks to be you since your girlfriend will send her new boyfriend to your place to break up.

Gemini – May 21 – June 21 Your girlfriend will inform you that the thing she loves the most about you is how similar you look like her cousin.

21

“GRAB YOUR ANKLES, BOY” David Eckert, 54, filed a lawsuit against police and doctors in Deming, New Mexico, in August 2013, after being pulled over for failing to come to a complete stop while exiting a Walmart parking lot. After a police dog sniffed the car seat where his butt had been, Eckert was taken to a hospital and forced to undergo eight drug searches - including digital penetration of his anus, three enemas, two X-rays and a colonoscopy.

HE GOT “LAID” THE WRONG WAY Ed Orris entered his 86-year-old grandfather, Johnny Orris, in a Howard Stern Show radio contest called “I Want To Get My Grandpa Laid,” and the old man won sex with two prostitutes at the famous Bunny Ranch in Nevada. Unfortunately, after meeting the two beautiful girls, old man Orris went out to eat and choked to death on a steak. But, under the circumstances, the owner of Bunny Ranch, Dennis Hof, let young Ed use his grandfather’s coupon with one of the women.

Cancer – June 22 – July 22 Congrats! You now have a Sex Rewards Chart based on the amount of favors and chores you do around the house.

Leo – July 23 – August 22 Thoughts of faking your own death will creep in just so you can get away from your girlfriend and her insane family.

Virgo – August 23 – September 22 Since you and three other people at your office share the same first name, you’ll be known as “the ugly one.”

Libra – September 23 – October 22 You will receive the following email: I have a very lucrative deal to transact with you please contact me urgent for more information through my private email if you are interested. General Abdul Aziz Jassem al-Shallal.

Scorpio – October 23 – November 21 You will have nightmares in which you are haunted by the ghost of your foreskin.

Sagittarius – November 22 – December 21 One of your friends will hijack your Facebook account and post stories about how you’ve finally come out of the closet.

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Brand Development and Creative Marketing 469-877-1533 info@culture-hype.com

Parting Shot SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Robert Bejil

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