Blitz June 2014 by Blitz Weekly

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7 Things Every Man Should Know This Month The X-Games are coming to Texas on June 5-8. The world’s best skateboarding, BMX, Moto X, and Rally X – not to mention music – descends on Austin. Those hippies’ll never be the same.

Sir Paul McCartney takes over the American Airlines Center June 16 (If he stays healthy).

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Craig Patterson Creative Director Jette Stephens Cover Design Jette Stephens Cover Photographer Jarrod Fresquez Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Staff Photographers Dominic Ceraldi, Steven Hendrix, Michael Kolch, Rick Leal, Sandy McAnally

Staff Writers Peter Gerstenzang, Ethan Harmon, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Amber LaFrance, Lance LeVan Will Martin, Mark Miller, Hannah Allen White

The people of Earth’s fate will be in the hands of Mark Wahlberg and Optimus Prime June 27 when Transformers 4: Age of Extinction hits theaters. It’s sure to bring good vibrations (we couldn’t help ourselves, sorry Mark).

4 On June 27, Les Misérables begins its run at the AT&T Performing Arts Center and if you are one of the handful of people who still pronounce it “Less Mi-ser-ables” buy your tickets immediately.

5 Hip-hop’s favorite bully and graduation missing dad, 50 cent, releases his fifth solo album on June 3.

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Contributing Photographers/Artists: Bruce Chandler, Jarrod Fresquez, Jonah Gilmore, Michael Kelly, Korin Reese, Nathan Rupert Contributing Writers: Andrew J. Hewett, Brittney Nakamura, Lance Rinker, Browning Stupp

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Neil Patrick Harris was born June 15, 1973.

The USA takes on the rest of the planet in the World Cup June 12-July 13. The best part about winning is that it would piss the whole world off because we call it soccer…Go USA.

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JUNE 2014

WORLD CUP 2014 BLOIRTTZS

SP AL SPECI

A N D A L L T H AT Y O U N E E D T O K N O W

The greatest sporting in the world will soon be upon us. 32 games in 32 days kicks off in Brazil on June 12 and ends July 13 with a new World Cup soccer champion. Think Super Bowl, the World Series, and March Madness all rolled up into one and it only happens once every four years.

BY BROWNING STUPP – COMMENTS@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

More than one billion people will watch the World Cup in soccer-crazy Brazil this summer where beautiful women, carnival-like parties, and soccer go hand in hand. Brazilians love their national soccer team so much that every time it plays it is a national holiday. The world’s best players like Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar, and a host of other superstars will try to lead their nations and vie for the ultimate sporting prize – the World Cup trophy.

Must See Games

What about the United States’ chances in 2014? The U.S. has perhaps its most talented team ever, but will that be enough to survive the ominous “Group of Death?”

2. Spain vs. The Netherlands. This is a June 13 rematch of the 2010 World Cup final in only the third game of the tournament.

After two years of qualifying rounds and virtually every country in the world competing, 32 countries and their teams were divided into eight groups of four. While Team USA won the CONCACAF or the North American qualifier, it was placed in arguably the toughest group during FIFA’S World Cup draw in December.

3. Brazil vs. Mexico on June 17. Mexico only made the World Cup as a wild-card but with the luck of the draw by beating powerhouse Brazil could win the group.

Group G, better known as the Group of Death, features four teams that could advance but unfortunately there’s only room for two. European powerhouse Germany leads the group followed by Portugal, better known as Ronaldo and 10 other men. Also included is Ghana, Team USA’s nemesis by virtue of eliminating the Americans in the last two World Cups. Then there’s quite likely the most talented U.S. team in soccer history led by captain Clint Dempsey, Michael Bradley, who could start on any World Cup team, and goalkeeper Tim Howard.

5. England vs. Italy. This June 14 match should be a good old fashioned slug-fest with the winner more than likely capturing the group.

The Other Groups The rest of the pairings include Group A consisting of host and favorite Brazil, followed by Mexico, Croatia, and Cameroon. Group B is led by current World Cup champion Spain, The Netherlands, 2010 World Cup runner-up Chile, and Australia. Group C features Columbia, Greece, Ivory Coast, and Japan. In Group D there’s world powers England and Italy, followed by Uruguay and Costa Rica. Group E includes France, Switzerland, Ecuador, and Honduras. Group F has Messi’s Argentina, Nigeria, Iran, and Bosnia and Herzegovina. And lastly Group H sports Belgium, Russia, South Korea, and Algeria. The top two qualifiers from each group advance to the knockout stages ultimately leading to the World Cup Championship on July 13. The world’s best players will be on the biggest stage in sporting history including Messi, Ronaldo, Dempsey, Neymar – Brazil’s next soccer god – Germany’s Mesut Ozil the ever-controversial and ever-biting Luis Suarez of Uruguay, Mexico’s Javier Hernandez – better known as Chicharito – and the aging Wayne Rooney of England and Andres Iniesta of Spain.

Do your best to catch these stars and these five must-see games: 1. U.S. vs. Ghana on June 16. Not only is it a must win and the opener for both teams, there really is bad blood between them.

4. Germany vs. Portugal on June 16. Germany is rated No. 2 in the world and Portugal No. 5 with the loser facing the U.S. in a must-win game later in the first round.

Where to Watch If there ever was a time to travel to Brazil and be surrounded by beautiful women watching the World Cup this summer would be it, but if you can’t make it there check out these five soccer crazy venues in DFW.

• Trinity Hall on Upper Greenville. Lift a pint or a few and enjoy a rowdy raucous time watching the matches.

• The Londoner has five locations throughout the Metroplex that bring the British experience of pubs, pints, and the pitch together.

• The Dubliner on Lower Greenville always is a good bet to enjoy a raucous time watching a game.

• The Ginger Man in Uptown provides copious amounts of beer on tap and is a great place to watch the games.

• Sherlock’s in Addison and Arlington also is a great place for watching a game at the bar or on the big screens.

All games will be broadcast on ESPN and ABC. Check out FIFA’s or ESPN’s websites for a full schedule. Here’s hoping the U.S. survives the Group of Death and that North Texans don’t miss out on the greatest sporting event in the world this summer.

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n the way to the moral high ground there often can be a nasty battle of capture the flag. Every single involved party will challenge each other, just for the chance to take a swing at the king of the mountain. In February, when Adam Silver became the fifth National Basketball Association commissioner, little did he know he’d be embroiled in a scandal where he could easily play the hero and lay the foundation for a legacy of swift justice in his first 100 days in office. Unfortunately for Silver, when the battle centers on issues that test everyone’s convictions, sometimes the punished push back and refuse to be sentenced. Silver levied a $2.5 million fine and a lifetime ban against Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling who responded by sending a letter to the league basically saying, “Uhh…no.” Sterling and his legal team contend that he was not in violation of any article of the NBA constitution. The league will claim that Sterling actually did violate Article 13(d) by saying that he “engaged in unethical conduct or took positions adverse to the NBA.” Proving this will be tough since the racist comments were captured in a secret recording. In the letter, Sterling’s lawyer also thinks his client was denied due process, since the investigation and ruling came without any formal proceedings. But the NBA is a private association, where Sterling’s membership already has obligated him to going along with league rulings, with or without due process. The letter ends with Team Sterling categorically rejecting the ban, refusing to pay a dime and threatening a battle-royale lawsuit. For Silver to reign with authority, those in the league must comply with his actions. But, in this case not many are going along with him. Now that the spectacle is calming down, the press conference that seemingly sealed Sterling’s fate may have endeared Silver to the public, but his actions may have had no teeth. The future of Sterling and the Clippers is far more dependent upon many long conversations

that will be held in NBA boardrooms and courtrooms than it is upon Silver’s actions. News outlets have reported that the team is held in a family trust, with Sterling and his wife Shelly having equal ownership. So, did Silver know this little fun fact? Did he think that Shelly would comply with the ruling and have no desire to take over a team worth nearly $1 billion? Silver made it clear that the sanctions only apply to Donald Sterling, so how can they force Shelly to sell if she isn’t the one being reprimanded? Shelly attended the playoff games despite a lot of hand wringing from the NBA, and she’ll likely go to the mattresses to keep the Clippers in the family. And let’s just say Shelly pulls an upset and takes over the franchise. Would the other 29 owners forgive her involvement with those old (and just as racist) housing lawsuits, and hand over the team to an ex-owner’s estranged wife? According to Silver, “The NBA Board of Governors is continuing with its process to remove Mr. Sterling as expeditiously as possible.” But it’s certain that some of those owners are quietly revisiting the skeletons in their own closets and wondering if one day they’ll be in the spotlight for bad behavior and have their teams taken away. Now that the playoffs are over for the Clippers the clock is ticking away. Members of the league and players’ union have worked together to come up with plan that doesn’t include a boycott, and every day that goes by without a resolution just puts them closer to the start of next season.

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Meanwhile, just 350 miles north of the Sterling fiasco another storm is brewing for Silver. Just a few weeks ago the Golden State Warriors announced their plans to move from Oakland to San Francisco in 2018. Growing a franchise is usually good news, but back in 1996 Oakland issued $140 million in bonds to improve the home court. Once the team moves, the City of Oakland and the County of Alameda will be on the hook for roughly $60 million in debt. That much money could put a lot of officers on the streets and teachers in the classrooms, but now the already struggling area will have to plead mercy to Silver and he’s likely to respond with a shrug.

Commissioner Silver became “The People’s Commish” in a way that predecessor David Stern never could. His face already is appearing on t-shirts and he received praise for dealing with the national outrage in a very public way. He offered players and fans a sense of justice when this all could have been handled behind closed doors. After serving up the fate of Sterling and the Clippers to the deciding parties, all that awaits Silver now is a final judgment on how this league will bend to his will.

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JUNE 2014

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IS THERE LIFE FOR VINCE YOUNG BEYOND BY LANCE RINKER– LRINKER@GMAIL.COM

here once was a time when you couldn’t turn on a television without seeing former National Football League quarterback Vince Young on the screen. If you weren’t seeing some highlight reel play then you were listening to sports analysts talk about him on sports talk radio. He was the LeBron James of Houston when he came out of high school and began his college football career for Coach Mack Brown’s University of Texas Longhorns. Young’s list of accomplishments as a college quarterback is seemingly endless. He was the first player in National Collegiate Athletic Association Division I-A history to pass for 3,000 yards and rush for 1,000 yards in the same season. He was the first quarterback in UT history to earn consensus first-team All-America honors. In addition to 15 other UT records, he holds a number of Bowl Championship Series and Rose Bowl marks. Additionally, no other UT player will wear the number 10 because it was retired by the university. Young was drafted third overall by the Tennessee Titans in 2006, won the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year Award, went to the Pro Bowl twice, won Sporting News’ comeback player of the year award in 2009, has appeared on the cover

of Sports Illustrated six times, was on the cover of Madden in 2008, and earned nearly $34 million in salary playing in the NFL. His rise to stardom was quick and his fall out of the spotlight occurred over the course of several seasons. It happened due to a combination of off-field and on-field issues including constant arguments with then-head coach Jeff Fisher. There also were legal problems, and ultimately he became a joke among NFL fans as a former first-round quarterback who flamed out due to a myriad of poor decisions and appearing to not be as passionate about playing the pro game as he was in college. Young hasn’t started an NFL game since December 2011 when he started three games for the Philadelphia Eagles (as the backup to Michael Vick who was out with an injury), passing for 866 yards with four touchdowns and nine interceptions. Since then his career has floundered as he has struggled to prove he is capable of being more than a practice squad or third-string quarterback for teams like the Buffalo Bills (2012), Green Bay Packers (2013), and most recently the Cleveland Browns (2014). For all his accolades in college and the NFL, Young has squandered the nearly $34 million he

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THE GRIDIRON?

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earned as a player and no longer is employed by an NFL team. He has stated multiple times that the Canadian Football League is not a consideration and that if his NFL career is over then he has a position at the University of Texas waiting for him. He turned down a two-year contract offer by the Montreal Alouettes in November.

wants to play, if he still has that passion and drive to prove those assessing his current skill-set are wrong, then he will.

“No disrespect to Canada,” Young told FOX 26 in Houston last month. “They’ve got some great players that I know play out there, great sport as well, but it’s never been an option for me.”

That great job Young spoke of would involve serving as an ambassador for the university, take part in speaking engagements, and possibly help recruit.

It’s possible that Young is allowing his ego to get the best of him. He’s accomplished more as an NFL quarterback than the majority of quarterbacks drafted in the first round. You can’t fault him for feeling that he remains a capable quarterback option for quarterback needy NFL teams. But if Young wants to prove to the NFL that he’s worth taking another shot on him then he needs to be willing to prove the ability is still there wherever the opportunity presents itself – right now, that opportunity appears to be in the CFL.

While Young continues to hold out hope he can continue his NFL career, he did go back and finish his four-year degree in May 2013. Oftentimes, former NFL players have no plan to support themselves or their families outside of football but Young is separating himself from that group by completing his education.

What it boils down to is Young needs to make a decision about whether he wants to play football or not, whether it’s in the NFL or the CFL. If he

“If football doesn’t work out for me, the university has a great job for me,” Young said in April at the Touchdown Club of Houston luncheon featuring new UT coach Charlie Strong.

After turning age 31 on May 18, if the NFL isn’t knocking on Young’s door by now then they likely never will. Perhaps it truly is time for him to move forward and begin that next phase of his life and career, outside of professional football. After all, football seems to have moved on from Vince Young so perhaps it’s time for Vince Young to move on from football.

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The

UFC 174 Preview BY LANCE LEVAN – @LANCELEVAN1

( C) Demetrious “Mighty Mouse” Johnson (19-2-1) vs. (#4) Ali “Puncher” Bagautinov (13-2-0) This is a flyweight (125 pounds) fight for the title. Johnson has been the champion since September 2012. He has defended his title three times and all three were spectacular fights. Johnson is very athletic and likes to push the pace in every single round. Bagautinov is kind of a newcomer to the UFC, with only two fights under his belt in the octagon and both of them were by decision. Bagautinov is a sambo/ wrestling fighter coincidentally; Mighty Mouse also has a wrestling background. It will be interesting to see if this fight goes to the ground…and how long it stays on the ground, if it does. This is not a fight that you will want to miss any of the action. In the end…I think Johnson has the experience and the speed to take this fight anywhere he wants to go. I’m sure that Bagautinov is a formidable opponent…I just don’t think he is at Mighty Mouse’s level yet. My Prediction: Johnson via submission in the third round. (#2) Rory “Ares” MacDonald (16-2-0) vs. (#3) Tyron “The Chosen One” Woodley (13-2-0) This is not a title fight but it is going to be a fight to watch at welterweight (170 pounds). I am a big fan of both of these fighters, so it is going to be extremely difficult to predict this one. I am going to have to rely a lot on the stats for my help. On paper, almost every factor leans in MacDonald’s favor. Not to mention the fact that he is 3” taller than Woodley. MacDonald has fought a “who’s-who” of opponents in the UFC. Woodley has not been in the UFC as long, but he has also fought some big names (and won). With MacDonald holding a black belt in BJJ and Woodley having his brown belt (not to mention, he’s a wrestler), I can definitely predict that, at some point, this fight will go to the ground. Rumor has it that Rory’s chin is made of glass. And Woodley has awesome hands. I think Tyron is just hungry enough to take this fight from standing. My Prediction: Woodley wins this fight via TKO in the second.

(#10) Ryan “Darth” Bader (17-4-0) vs. (#12) Rafael “Feijao” Cavalcante (12-4-0, 1NC) This light heavyweight fight is going to be extremely entertaining. Both of these fighters like to throw punches, even though Cavalcante is a black belt in BJJ and Bader is a wrestler. Neither fighter is scared to go to the ground…but I think that these guys will spend most of their time standing up and trading punches. Even though they are No. 10 and No. 12, I think that Bader has better stand-up and submissions. Cavalcante doesn’t have that many fights in the UFC and I don’t think that he is at Bader’s level yet. Again, I am certain that getting to this level, Cavalcante has awesome skills…seeing how all of his wins are via TKO. I’m just not sure that he’s well rounded enough to handle the likes of “Darth” Bader. I don’t think that Bader will need to use the “force” to win this one. My Prediction: Bader wins by submission in the third round.

ON CARS

>Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat >Nissan 370Z Nismo >Time to go fast Both cars wanna go fast and have owners that stay as far away from the far right lane as possible, but how do you know which of these street demons to park in your driveway? Well, start here.

Nismo

Hellcat Damage to your wallet

Low to mid-$50,000 range

Type of women you’ll attract

Women who will Women who have eventually upgrade bottle openers on their to a guy that drives a key chains Ferrari

Likelihood of getting speeding tickets

80%

115%

Pothole invincibility

Fairly resistant

Not a chance

Base $44,000

More useful in a getaway attempt

Cargo capability

Full load of groceries

A box of hot pockets and a six pack

For the guy who enjoys

Dukes of Hazard and beef jerky

Illegally downloaded movies

Most likely default radio station

99.5 the Wolf

Anything with dubstep

…Winner

Disagree with me? Let me know via twitter @BlitzWeekly and we’ll see who has better picks the night of the fights.

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Women Who Captivate Us …in Summer Movies

When it comes to summer blockbusters there’s no shortage of special effects, gratuitous violence and of course beautiful women. But these days it takes more than just a pretty face to make a lasting impact.

MILA KUNIS

ANGELINA JOLIE

They fight. They laugh. They dance. They save the day. They…stole our hearts. These beautiful woman can handle everything from repetitively killing Tom Cruise to traveling across the universe with digitally animated space raccoons. Is there anything that these ladies can’t do?

ZOE SALDANA

NICOLA PELTZ

A genuine and passionate soul, who is a real actress’ actress, Zoe makes every movie – even Colombiana – watchable. Saldana becomes the green-skinned warrior Gamora in James Gunn’s adaptation of Guardians of the Galaxy (August 1). We loved Mila long before she was carrying around little Kuthcers in her belly. As one of the most all-around generous and beautiful women in the business, we’ll forgive her for being in a movie with Channing Tatum. Jupiter Ascending (July 18)

Aside from being one of the biggest humanitarians on the planet, a mom, a writer, a director, and a Golden Globe winning actress, Angelina still finds ways to amaze us. Angie goes evil with Disney’s Maleficent (May 28). Tell your wife you only went because the kids wanted to see it.

IRINA SHAYK

MEAGAN GOOD Nicola has graduated from hanging with Norman Bates in A&E’s Bates Motel and into kicking ass with Optimus Prime and Mark Walberg in Transformers 4: Age of Extinction (June 27). SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

The 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model has spent the past few years ripping runways and posing with Portuguese footballer Cristiano Ronaldo in VOGUE España. Shayka makes her film debut opposite Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in Hercules (July 25). Not bad for a Russian coal miner’s daughter.

With 34 films and a couple dozen TV shows under her belt Mrs. Good is indeed that. This summer we’ll watch her comedy chops as she reprises her role in Steve Harvey’s Think Like A Man Too (June 20).

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JUNE 2014

2 BY BRITTNEY NAKAMURA Wardrobe Stylist and Writer for Fashion Art Network

Short sleeve button up Ted Baker $148 Meeting friends for happy hour and need a quick change out of the work wardrobe? Short-sleeved button ups are not limited to only “hipsters.” It’s summer, the weather is sunny and warm outside. Get creative with patterns and colors, you cannot go wrong. A short-sleeved button up does double duty, trend on point and you are not burning up! -tedbaker.com

Within the seven basics, you must have a classic. The classic white tee can carry you season-toseason, year after year. Can’t decide what shirt to wear? The clean white tee is always a fresh look…you can’t go wrong. The trim fit cotton is a nice lightweight option for the hot summer days. Once the tee starts to get discolored, it’s time to update! -jamesperse.com

4 Summer slip on Prada $450

Espadrilles are not just for women; it’s a summer shoe. SUMMER, not year around. The rope sole helps ventilate the foot and makes the shoe more comfortable due to the flexibility. Torn between a sneaker and flip-flop? This is the go-to shoe for summer, looks great with virtually any outfit. No hesitation when grabbing a shoe, wear them with pants or shorts. -nordstrom.com

Classic Tee James Perse $74

Aviator sunglasses Ray-Ban $150

Lots of people think too much about their sunglasses. Keep it simple, aviators look good on everyone. Do not forget about the practicality of sunglasses. More than none, you can find a great looking pair of sunglasses that are polarized. Nothing is worse than still not being able to see in the sunlight with sunglasses on. Not sure? Stick to aviators; chic, classic, fashionable, and practical. -nordstrom.com

Camo Pant Urban Outfitters $74

Summer time and the living’s easy… When it comes to casual wear for the summer, stick to the seven basics starting from the bottom. Instead of gravitating towards a khaki or colored pant, try a print. Don’t be afraid of prints, this is an easy way to add detail to a simple outfit. A neutral print can play the part of a neutral basic. -urbanoutfitters.com

Light acid wash denim J Brand $198

Being fashionable doesn’t mean you must wear every trend. Fashion is very tumultuous, very up and down; some things are easy to follow, but some have you thinking “what?” Every trend doesn’t fit everyone, hint: skinny jeans are NOT for everyone. Relaxed, lightwashed denim is a great look for game day along with sporting your favorite team tee shirt. -bloomingdales.com

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Jamie

Model: Jamie Michael Kelly SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

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2014 SWIMSUIT SECTION B E AC H

Three Sheets Model: Toni Martin Jarrod Fresquez

R E M M SU !

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STARRING SWIMSUITS WHERE YOU’D NEVER EXPECT THEM. TAG ALONG WITH BLITZ MAGAZINE AS WE TAKE A TRIP THROUGH SOME OF DALLAS’ LOUDEST, COLORFUL, AND MOST RECOGNIZABLE PLACES SANS PANTS. FROM MCKINNEY AVENUE TO THE STOCK YARDS, THERE WASN’T A PLACE IN THE METROPLEX THAT WE DIDN’T ATTRACT GAWKERS AND APPLAUSE AS OUR MODELS RAISED THE CITY’S TEMPERATURE.

SUNSCREEN IS REQUIRED.

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VOL. 7 - ISSUE 5

2014 SWIMSUIT SECTION B E AC H

no where South Dallas Model: Kaylee Jonah Gilmore of Studio Zinc SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

VOL. 7 - ISSUE 5

JUNE 2014

2014 SWIMSUIT SECTION B E AC H

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JUNE 2014

VOL. 7 - ISSUE 5

WHY

K C RO M

S E I V O SUCK

BY PETER GERSTENZANG – PZANG7@OPTONLINE.NET

f you’ve been paying attention, you know most movies about rock are as accurate as Dick Cheney with a hunting rifle. Coming soon are biopics about Brian Wilson and Marvin Gaye. Which should be lurid enough to attract lots of viewers. In the way stray dogs come running when they hear Geddy Lee sing. Here are some reasons why rock films usually suck. And not well. No Humor Unless It’s Unintentional – One of the more popular recent movies in this genre was Rock Star. At first you think, Lauren Bacall only agreed to be in this ode to metal because she forgot to take her Alzheimer’s medicine. Then you realize, the tool in the wig and leather duds is 4-foot-6 Mark Wahlberg. This fictionalized version of the Judas Priest story is so reverent, you wonder when Wahlberg will perform the Sermon on the Mount. Still, this movie must’ve been hard to make. Heavy metal’s already a parody. How do you parody a parody? Bertrand Russell once asked that. Wait, it was Bill Russell. Or Nipsey. What were we talking about again? Drugs – I’m sure Ray Charles and Johnny Cash played music. But according to the movies, they only squeezed it in. When they weren’t getting twisted to the tits. The best thing about the Cash movie (starring 4-foot-9 Joaquin Phoenix), is, if you forgot the title, every 10 minutes, June Carter says, “John Cash, you’re never gonna walk the line!” Watching Ray makes you wonder: did Charles make music when he wasn’t shooting heroin? What was it like? Neither The Dalai Lama nor The Shell Answer Man knew the answer. I asked! Bump Off Some Relatives – Ray’s brother dies. Johnny’s brother dies. If you can’t knock off a sibling, bump off the star. Ritchie Valens and Buddy Holly got killed in the same plane crash. And they made two different movies about it.

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Hey, if you want a movie that ends better, see something lighter. Like Oedipus Rex. Find An Actor Who Can’t Lip Sync – It’s hard to accept a movie when the star can’t lip sync. Oscar-worthy work is done in this category by Ileana Douglas, in Grace Of My Heart. You hear a female voice sing a line from God Give Me Strength. Then, two days later, Douglas’s lips move. For a change of pace, sometimes her lips move two days before the vocal. Now, that’s riveting cinema. Then again, I think English voices dubbed into Mothra Versus Rodan is riveting cinema, too. Get A Musician To Play…A Musician – When rockers become stars, instead of taking good supporting roles, they always end up starring as musicians. Like the Shakespearean, Hard To Hold. Starring Rick Springfield as, uh, Rick Springfield. Which is so phony, it makes Ray look like a Ken Burns documentary. Rick’s so squeaky clean, you long to see his character take drugs. He doesn’t. So, after watching the film, you take drugs. All in all, not a bad deal.

VOL. 7 - ISSUE 5

JUNE 2014

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Gemini: May 21 - June 21 You’ll come home from work to see your wife day-drunk and trying to vacuum the front yard. Cancer: June 22 - July 22 You’ll wake up and stumble over to the window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine will be lovely, the sight of your elderly neighbor doing some kind of nude yoga won’t be. Leo: July 23 - August 22 You will soon discover that even though your roommate doesn’t buy alcohol, he isn’t above stealing yours and slowly replacing it with water.

garbage bag. And when an employee checked the toilet he discovered the commode’s water storage tank was gone.

Andrew J. Hewett www.chewednews.com AN UNUSUAL TO-GO BAG After a man ordered food for his family at a West Seattle Subway restaurant, he went to the restroom and stayed so long his wife banged on the door asking what was taking him so long? Getting no answer and tired of waiting, she loaded the kids in their car and left. Surveillance later showed him rush through a side door with a large plastic

IT’S PARTY TIME! PIG OUT! A 911 call reporting a screaming assault in progress in the little town of China, Maine, sent four state police troopers rushing to the “crime scene,” a home situated on a pig farm. There, the farmer explained to the troopers all that noise was coming from a pen out back, which contained one male hog and five sows “in heat.” SHE SWELLS UP AT PARTIES Sarah Beal, 43, of Arley, Warwickshire, England, has a skin condition doctors call “Etch A Sketch condition” (formally, dermatographia). When she writes on her skin those letters and words puff up for about an hour. But despite the pain, she says that’s “cool” and a popular party trick.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22 Your job at McDonald’s will sink to a new low when you are called into the men’s bathroom to break up sex between two homeless people.

Sagittarius: November 22 December 21 You’ll walk in on your mom showing her friends that she can deepthroat a banana.

Pisces: February 19 - March 20 Your mom will invite you over yet again so you can practice your culinary degree by making an exquisite, gourmet meal for her dog; a three year old Pomeranian who pees in your shoes.

Libra: September 23 - October 22 Your grandmother will politely let you know that since your dad was a mistake that by default you are also a mistake.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 Your girlfriend will admit to you that she sees you as nothing more than a dildo with annoying emotions.

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 While taking a piss a mosquito will come out of nowhere and head straight for your dick. In your startled attempt to ward it away, you’ll piss all over everything including yourself.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 Your girlfriend will suggest you try something new and spontaneous. Excited to find out first-hand, you’ll hurry over to her place only to find out that she’s just taken up vegan cooking.

Aries: March 21 - April 19 The stars predict you will retrieve the wrong luggage from an airport carousel making you the owner of two waterbras, a false beard, a bag of cat litter, and some anal beads. Taurus: April 20 - May 20 You’ll bring your girlfriend of a year and half to meet your parents. It turns out that she actually dated your dad previously. He’ll be glad to give you some pointers on the DL.

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JUNE 2014

VOL. 7 - ISSUE 5

2014 SWIMSUIT SECTION B E AC H

Parting Shot

no where South Dallas Model: Kaylee Jonah Gilmore of Studio Zinc SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

VOL. 7 - ISSUE 5

JUNE 2014

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