Blitz May 2015 by Blitz Weekly

MAY 2015

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

VOL. 8 - ISSUE 4

MAY 2015

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VOL. 8 - ISSUE 4

2015

MAY 2015

MAY

Blitz

INTELLIGENCE

7 Unconditional Love The sister of Aaron Hernandez’ victim can’t separate herself from the Patriots 9 Here To Stay Jordan Spieth is making a habit of being great 10 Digital Undivide The line between this world and the online one is disappearing 11 Log Men Are you a Lumbersexual?

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16 Hungry Steven Doyle takes on DFW’s best food one bite at a time

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Publisher Staff Photographers Kelly G. Reed John Breen, Dominic Ceraldi, Editor-in-Chief Jarrod Fresquez, Michael Kolch, C. Craig Patterson Rick Leal, Sandy McAnally Staff Writers Features Director Peter Gerstenzang, Keysha Hogan, Amber LaFrance Martin Iheke, Frank LaCosta, Pop Culture Editor Lance LeVan, Chris Sick Ethan Harmon Contributing Sports Editor Photographers/Artists Lance Rinker Keith Allison, Jerod Davies, Steven Doyle, Cindy Higby, kgreene Copy Chief Mark Miller Contributing Writers Sarah Badran, Jay Betsill, Steven Doyle, Creative Director Erika Hayes, Andrew J. Hewett, Jette Stephens Roy Wood, Jr. Photo Editor Cover Image Courtesy Darryl Briggs Gwyn Fisher

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VOL. 8 - ISSUE 4

UFC 187

Preview BY LANCE LEVAN – @LANCELEVAN1 Ultimate Fight Championship 187 is being held in Las Vegas on May 23 and it looks like this is going to be a very good fight card. The top three bouts are going to be serious battles. The top two fights are title fights. A title belt or two may change hands and some fighters may move up (or down) in the rankings. All of these fights have the makings for “Fight of the Night.” (C) Jon “Bones” Jones (20-1-0) vs. (No. 1) Anthony “Rumble” Johnson (19-4-0) This is going to be a five-round light heavyweight (205 pounds) title fight. Nothing has changed since January of this year. Jones is the current champion. His striking is very unconventional and difficult to duplicate in training. His ground and pound and his deadly elbows are legendary. Those elbows can quickly end a fighter’s night. Jones’ wrestling and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu background make him comfortable if the match goes to the ground.

Johnson is a former National Junior College Athletic Association wrestling champion and also is not scared of going to the ground. Johnson’s pure aggression and violence once in a dominant position is something for which most fighters have not figured out how to compensate. One of the biggest factors in this fight will be the reach difference between these two fighters. There is a 6.5-inch reach difference, which means that Jones can throw punches from a LONG way away. If Jones finds his range, he will stop throwing punches and will throw elbows in the clinch. Those elbows can open huge cuts very quickly and end the fight. If Johnson can stay away from the deadly elbows of the champion, I think he has the ability to stand and trade punches. If the fight goes to the ground, I have to give the advantage to Johnson who is a finisher. He is not going to allow an opportunity to end this fight pass him by. My prediction: Johnson wins via TKO in the second round. (C) Chris “The All-American” Weidman (12-0-0) vs. (No. 3) Vitor “The Phenom” Belfort (24-10-0)

Weidman is a former National Collegiate Athletic Association Division 1 wrestler and a brown belt in BJJ. Belfort is a black belt in BJJ, a black belt in Judo and a blue belt in Shotokan. Both of these fighters are very good on the ground. However, I would prefer to see these warriors stand and trade punches. I want to see what Weidman is made of. I think it is going to be a good test of his skills, fighting a seasoned veteran such as Belfort. Weidman is undefeated. Belfort has only lost twice since 2007. Once was to Anderson Silva and the other was to Jon Jones. I think this fight is going to be a complete battle from bell to bell. My prediction: Belfort wins via TKO in the fourth round. (No. 2) Khabib “The Eagle” Nurmagomedov (22-0-0) vs. (#3) Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone (27-6-0 1NC) This is a three-round lightweight (155 pounds) fight. This is going to be an awesome fight. I have to admit that I am a big fan of one of these fighters. Cerrone’s kickboxing career is legendary and he is on a seven-fight win streak in the Octagon. He has great stand-up abilities and has a sick submission game from bottom. Nurmagomedov has a slightly higher KO/ TKO rate than Cerrone, but The Cowboy has a higher submission rate than The Eagle. I am very interested to see what Nurmagomedov brings to the table in the way of his stand-up game. We all know what a great striker and kick-boxer Cerrone is. Nurmagomedov is up-and-coming and a decisive win here will catapult him into title contention. Cerrone winning here also definitely would move him that much closer to a shot at the belt. My prediction: Cerrone wins by TKO in the third round.

This is going to be a five-round middleweight (185 pounds) title fight. I am kind of torn on this match-up. I am not a big fan of either of these fighters. Weidman has never done anything that is “stellar” and to me, Belfort is a steroid junkie. Disagree with me about the UFC 187 matches? Let me know via Twitter @BlitzWeekly and we’ll see who has better picks the night of the fights.

PRESENTED BY THE GYM 921 West Mayfield Road • Arlington, TX 76015 (817) 652-1555 SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

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MAY 2015

The Most

DIE-HARD FAN

in All of American Sports BY ROY WOOD JR. – @ROYWOODJR Earlier this month, former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was sentenced to life in prison for the murder of an associate, Odin Lloyd. The trial dragged on for much longer than it needed to and like most court cases in this country, all sides spoke their piece once a verdict had been handed down. Attorneys spoke, jurors spoke, but the most interesting thing said at the conclusion of the Hernandez trial probably was by the relative of yet ANOTHER MAN who Hernandez is believed to have murdered. Susan Vincente said “I’m still a Patriots fan. (Aaron) was just one person.” Excuse me?... Murder is no joking matter, which is why I find it so AMAZING that anyone with ties to the hurricane that is Aaron Hernandez still would have enough love in his or her heart for the New England Patriots. Susan Vincente officially is the most die-hard fan in all of American sports. She’s more die-hard than the Raider fans in the black hole who paint their face. The Dawg Pound in Cleveland has nothing on Susan Vincente.

Philadelphia fans love to prank around and act like they’re the best sports town with the best fans. I’m sorry, Susan Vincente just sewed up the victory for the city of Boston. Though he’s yet to be brought to trial for the murder, Susan Vincente believes Aaron Hernandez killed her cousin and CONTINUES to root for the Patriots. In a world where sports fans will turn their backs on a team for something as fickle as changing the logo (I’m looking at you Dolphins fans) what Susan is doing is nothing short of amazing. LeBron James left Cleveland and people lost their mind. I was INFURIATED when the Charlotte Hornets left for New Orleans. The Hornets were my National Basketball Association team, but the moment they moved I tore down my Mugsy Bogues poster. I threw away my Alonzo Mourning Trapper Keeper and I was DONE with basketball for life. That’s all it took was the team changing cities. Larry Johnson didn’t come to my house and slap me around. Mourning did kick in my front door and demand I give him my money. They did nothing to me and I hated them.

Sure, the league has since given me a franchise back in Charlotte again. I root for them, but it‘s not the same… just ain’t.

we’re signing up for. Through thick and thin NO MATTER WHAT you root for that team. Very few sports fans understand that.

I’m a fan of the Miami Dolphins, and let me tell you something if our star tight end decided to murder one of my family members, not only would I wage war against him and the Miami Dolphins, I would wage war on ACTUAL dolphins. I would get a boat, a baseball bat, and a case of dynamite and row out into the Caribbean and just chunk sticks of dynamite over board. Whatever floats to the top would get beat with that bat.

Susan Vincente does. And that’s what makes her the Most Die-Hard Fan in all of American Sports.

Would there be collateral damage? Of course. A few manatees, maybe a porpoise, a sea turtle, but hey it is what it is. War is ugly and this dolphin has to be brought to justice. WRITER’S NOTE: This is all fantasy, no aquatic mammals were harmed in the writing of this article. When we choose a sports team to pledge allegiance to, very few of us realize what it is

WRITER’S NOTE: It’s important that I make the distinction that Susan Vincente is the most die-hard fan in all of AMERICAN sports. Soccer fans overseas still take the cake because they murder strangers and remain at the stadium AFTER the murder, to catch the second half of the game.

COMEDIAN ROY WOOD JR. HAS BEEN FEATURED ON NBC’S LAST COMIC STANDING, TBS’ SULLIVAN AND SON, AND ESPN’S SPORTSNATION

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MAY 2015

VOL. 8 - ISSUE 4

{In-depth}

At 75, Merry Mex Lee Trevino Continues Charming People

istening to and looking at Lee Trevino is like being transformed back in time.

It’s as if it were the 1970s again with the Dallas native holding court after winning another major golf tournament. Though the Hilton Anatole conference room wasn’t filled with media people, the man affectionately known at Merry Mex was as animated as ever. Yes, his 75-year-old hair is grayer but time has been good to him. He still plays golf daily though not in professional tournaments since 2000 and with a cart. He continues to live in his Preston Hollow home with second wife Claudia, with whom he’s been married since 1983. Trevino stays in good health by running on a treadmill, lifting weights and doing plenty of upper body stretches. That’s what someone does after four back operations including one to implant steel rollers, plus screws placed in his throat and thumb after being struck by lightning in 1975. He also remains spry thanks to a couple of young adult children and a schedule that still has him speaking at corporate events like the March 31 AT&T Luncheon that was part of Southern Methodist University’s Athletic Forum. What has changed is the downward trend in participation in his beloved game. Since peaking at just above 30 million players in 2003, it’s now at about 27 million. Trevino cites three reasons why. “The golf courses have become too hard for people to play,” he said. “It takes time. If you’re going to play golf now it’s going to take at least six-and-a-half hours for you to leave the office, play, take a shower, and go back. And it’s become really expensive not only equipment-wise but extremely expensive to belong to the clubs.” How does he think the trend can be reversed? First, by having groups like United States Golf Association, Professional Golfers Association of

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Keith Allison

BY MARK MILLER – @MARKMYWORDSTEX

America and The First Tee Foundation obtain distressed golf courses and allow youth to play for free aided by donations. “We have to find a way to bring up the kids who don’t have the means to play this game,” he said. “We’ve got to find a way to get the caddie back into the clubs. Let these kids caddie in the summer time and on the weekend where they can make a few bucks and you never know, they might fall in love with it and have a passion for it.” While Trevino didn’t have the means growing up, he did have the love developed after sneaking into area clubs to play. He later became a caddie at the old Dallas Country Club where he honed his unorthodox flat-swing style for which he became famous. He worked on his game during a four-year stint in the U.S. Marine Corps and again while doing construction at a golf course before eventually becoming a club pro in El Paso. His game improved enough to where he qualified for the U.S. Open in 1966 and 1967 with his fifth-place finish in the latter attempt earning him Rookie of the Year honors and enough money to make golf his full-time job. Over the next 30+ years, Trevino won 29 times on the regular PGA Tour and another 29 on the Champions circuit. That included six major championships and 1971 PGA Player of the Year. He also played in six Ryder Cups. Now the man who has traveled the world and golfed with U.S. presidents and other dignitaries would just like those coming up behind him to develop a love for the game like he had. “How you become good at this sport is you have to have a passion for it,” he said. “You go way beyond where you have no coach, you have nobody pushing you just on your own. Kids who have a passion for a sport, especially an individual sport, it’s pretty difficult. Golf, if you have a passion for it and want to pursue it, you do a tremendous amount of sacrificing. It’s there for the taking.”

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ordan Spieth emerged on the Professional Golfers Association Tour scene in May 2010 as an amateur when he was awarded an exemption into the Byron Nelson Championships in Las Colinas. That followed in the footsteps of the Dallas tournament’s previous exemptions such as Tiger Woods. The then Dallas Jesuit High School star became the sixthyoungest player to make the cut at a PGA Tour event, going on to finish in a tie for 16th place. He was offered another exemption into the tournament in 2011, when he again made the cut and finished in a tie for 32nd before heading to Austin to play for the University of Texas.

He would spend three semesters in Austin before turning pro at age 19 and it was not long before he tasted victory on the PGA Tour. Two weeks before his 20th birthday, Spieth won the John Deere Classic in a three-way, sudden-death playoff on the fifth playoff hole against defending champion Zach Johnson and David Hearn. After holing out of a greenside bunker just to reach the playoff, he would go on to become the fourth-youngest PGA Tour winner and the first teenager in 82 years. Spieth was named PGA Tour Rookie of the Year and selected to the United States President’s Cup team by captain Fred Couples. But perhaps more important, his tour win earned him entry into the Masters. His debut at the Masters introduced him to sports fans who don’t necessarily follow golf as he played in the final group on Sunday with eventual-champion Bubba Watson. Spieth finished in a tie for second, becoming the youngest runner-up in Masters history. He won his second pro tournament at the Emirates Australian Open and in the final round shot a course-record 63 to win the title by six strokes. In the process, he stole the show from Rory McIlroy and Adam Scott. A week later he dominated Woods’ Hero World Challenge and set a tournament scoring record of 26-under par.

UP SWING Spieth’s Masters Journey Started the Same as Tiger’s BY JAY BETSILL – @THEFAMOUSJAY

That set the stage for this year’s appearance at the Masters. Following a win at the Valspar Championship and back-to-back seconds at the Valero Texas Open in San Antonio and Shell Houston Open, he came into the Masters as the hottest player on the planet. What followed was a tournament of historical proportions, as he would become the first wire-to-wire winner since Raymond Floyd in 1976. “This was the ultimate goal in my golf life,” Spieth said, while clad in the green jacket. In addition to tying Woods’ all-time Masters scoring record, 18-under, Spieth became the secondyoungest behind Woods to win the event. “Last year was pretty surreal, but not winning it was probably the best thing to ever happen to him and certainly all of that experience came into play all week,” Spieth’s caddie Michael Greller said. “We talked about how cool it was to hear those roars and to see Tiger and Rory making charges and you want to play against the best at the Masters, fortunately he was able to close the deal.” The relationship between Spieth and Grellar, who left his job as a sixth-grade math teacher to caddie for Spieth, has been well documented. Grellar was the first person Spieth thanked after receiving his green jacket. “You kept me strong and you were the reason the dream came true,” Spieth said. Following Spieth’s triumph at Augusta National, Jack Nicklaus released a statement on the latest Masters winner: “Masters champion. I think Jordan Spieth is a great person – just as Rory McIlroy is – to carry the mantle for the game of golf...There are some terrific older players who have been terrific for a long time, but actually this might be the time for the young guys to take over.” Spieth is expected to play in both the Crowne Plaza Invitational at Colonial in Fort Worth and the AT&T Byron Nelson in Las Colinas the last two weeks of May.

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Life Online You Never Know What You’re Going to Get BY CHRIS SICK – @CHRISSICK

VOL. 8 - ISSUE 4

t had taken a little more than two months from the first messages exchanged to setting up the first date. We had shared what could, maybe, amount to a few hours of faceto-face conversation, distributed unevenly over a few weeks’ worth of text messages. The communication only had picked back up after a lull in which she hadn’t responded to my last message for a week or two.

In an indeterminate space like the Internet, it’s always tricky trying to read meaning into silence. There’s hundreds of possible reasons someone on a dating site might never respond, both after an ongoing exchange or an initial introduction, and only most of them boil down to “not interested.” I took a calculated risk that she wasn’t signaling disinterest, and that I wouldn’t look like a creep for sending another message. Her response was perfect for a dating site, a mixture of charming, self-effacing, and unequivocally interested: “Gah! I suck at this website… I’d love to hear more about you. Text me…” Reading between the lines of flat text, without the benefit of verbal and physical cues, is a constant challenge on the Internet. Research shows that in the online world, a new medium of indicators and cues arises. Online daters carefully examine not just the profiles and messages of potential matches, but scrutinize their own every bit as much, if not more. Information about how frequently someone is online might signal that they’re either desperate or unavailable. A message bearing a late-night timestamp might signal insomnia, add some typos and it might be read as indicating a drinking problem. In the online dating sphere, now a $2 billion industry, questions of self-presentation are agonized over with an obvious end goal of establishing a romantic relationship, for the night, at least, if not necessarily the long term. Elsewhere on the Internet, people are after more serious pursuits, like threatening women with rape and bomb threats over such burning topics as ethics in video game journalism. One noted commentator had the audacity to write about issues like racism, body image, and sexism, and in response earned an Internet troll using the name and image of her dead father. When the author, Lindy West, contacted her tormentor directly, she was shocked to get a heartfelt message back. Her personal troll copped to the fact that he was taunting her not because of any disagreement with her comments or positions, but mostly because of his own self-loathing and envy of her apparent happiness. It’s easy to attribute the disturbing behavior of trolls to the anonymity of the Internet. To point out that people are more inclined to shout epithets at other drivers from the protection of their cars, and likewise to say things on the comments section of their local paper they’d never say to their neighbor. But the

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indeterminacy of the messages found on drawn-out comment fights on Politico or The Atlantic can require the same level of parsing people spend on online dating messages. When Gawker exposed famed Reddit moderator “Violentacrez” what was most interesting wasn’t that a man in his late 40s would spend his spare time going on the Internet and posting misogynistic, racist, and sexual images, but that he was proud of himself. Michael Brutsch, the real name behind the so-called “biggest troll on the web,” didn’t hide his activities from his wife or teenaged son, instead each had their own Reddit accounts, with names that made their connection to Brutsch clear. When journalist Adrian Chen sought to expose Brutsch, he didn’t express remorse or guilt over his activities, he justified his affinity for posting “jailbait” photos – sexualized images of scantily-clad underage girls – by pointing to society’s own fascination with sexualized youth and teens. As distasteful as Brutsch might personally be, it’s worth noting that PornHub tracks search terms, and for as long as it has the most-searched porn term in the U.S. is “teen.” The messages on the Internet often are fuzzy, soft in a way that makes it difficult to discern their edges and meanings. For online daters looking for love, they read into every piece of information present, looking for some sign of deception or cue that they’re being led on. When arguing about politics on the Internet, people seek out information to confirm their tribal affiliations, finding the most impressive seeming sources of information they can to “prove” to their opponents that climate change is a myth, while reinforcing their own identity among the pack. And sometimes, fairly disgusting Internet trolls inadvertently make strangely salient points about how bizarre it is that our culture sexualizes young girls, by actively justifying their sexualization of young girls. As the Internet becomes more ubiquitous and part of daily life, discerning the hidden meanings underneath and behind those messages will become a bigger part of our social interactions. How we think of ourselves is more than ever being outsourced to a media platform we access online. Our identities are being intentionally constructed, through “self-summary” entries and selfie posts and check-ins, even as we seem to be unaware that’s what our Facebook is doing for us. The average American now has unprecedented access to a level of narrative tools with which to define themselves while they live and after their deaths. To tell their own story, even as they’re unaware of what it is they might be saying.

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The

E V O L U T I O N

of the

BY ERIKA HAYES @BLITZWEEKLY

L U M B E R S E X U A L

roles in films such as The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, easily upgraded both his beard and cinematic performances to that of legendary status.

f you occasionally step outside of your residence and it isn’t a rock, you may have noticed the latest fashion revolution, the Lumbersexual. According to the Urban Dictionary, a Lumbersexual is a metro-sexual who has the need to hold on to some outdoor-based ruggedness, thus opting to keep a finely-trimmed beard. In layman’s terms, subtly trimmed beards left with just enough edginess to be classified by the talking fashion heads as “on trend.”

Jerome John “Jerry” Garcia

From corporate America to the big screen, men have graciously put down their razors and permitted their facial hair to grow, just wild enough to possess an unorthodox flair. I know what you’re thinking. “I’ve been growing my beard long before this fad.” I’d thought you might say that.

Jonathan Goldsmith

As much as you would love to take credit for your keen style intuition, it looks like a few individuals have beaten you to the punch. As it turns out, there appeared to be Lumbersexuals before the term was even coined. Here are nine famous individuals (19th century through present day) who blazed the Lumbersexual trail before its existence. (Disclaimer: The following men were and are highly unaware of the trend to which they are unintentionally attributed).

Abraham Lincoln Yes that’s correct, as in the 16th president of the free world for you history buffs out there. Four score and seven years ago, President Abe Lincoln, a.k.a. the “Forefather of Lumbersexuals” revolutionized facial hair as we know it. He singlehandedly proved that bearded fellows could rule the world, besides, would you trust him without it?

Walt Whitman Those who possess innovative talent tend to catch criticism for their unconventional ideas and unsettling appearances. So it should be of no surprise to you that Mr. Whitman has made the cut. The 19th century poet and essayist became synonymous with his unkempt, long, white beard in his later years. Despite his exterior, Walt was celebrated as one of America’s notable literary talents. I guess people were afraid they would end up on the naughty list if they didn’t embrace him.

Charles Darwin This naturalist’s facial mane evolved just as frequently as his theory on the evolution of man. Darwin’s scruffy beard could have possibly placed him in direct competition with Whitman in the Kris Kringle look-alike contest of 1870.

Clint Eastwood Who could forget about Dirty Harry? As a western movie icon, Mr. Eastwood’s jagged, unfiltered

The deceased Grateful Dead rocker unapologetically dawned a head and face full of ruffled dark hair in his heyday. Garcia’s beard not only became a trademark of the talented musician but it also became a symbol of individualism and freedom during a period of civil unrest in our nation’s history.

If you’re a whiz kid with television taglines, or just an avid beer guzzler, you know this man. Goldsmith plays a debonair gentleman, who was dubbed by the Dos Equis advertising campaign as “Most Interesting Man in the World.” Goldsmith’s silver beard has given a new meaning to aging gracefully. His gray facial hair serves as a beacon of hope to millions of “mature men” who have been fighting the inevitable war against their natural color progression. Stay hopeful my friends.

Matthew McConaughey Women can’t get enough of his rugged good looks. If you consider yourself a “Lumber Servant,” he would be your “Lumber King.” McConaughey resuscitated the state of the modern beard in his most recent advertising campaign for the 2015 Lincoln Balance and critics are digging the new look. Spelling pop quiz, what do the letters b-e-ar-d spell? Success.

Ryan Gosling If Gosling had no retirement fund prior to the 2004 release of The Notebook, rest assured he does now. His unconventional, rugged and croon worthy appearances in this flick stole the hearts of women around the world, and solidified his sexual iconic status in Hollywood. His popularity soared after his romantic flick, and he went on to make a number of box office movies, arguably making him the most relevant Lumbersexual to date. What’s that noise? Sounds like razors dropping into bathroom trashcans across America.

James Harden The Houston Rockets shooting guard is a newcomer to the Lumbersexual society. Both Mr. Harden’s phenomenal basketball skills and his wildly kept beard command attention as he barrels down the court. Rumor has it that he first began growing his facial hair because he was too lazy to shave. His facial mane has become both a personal trademark and a corporate sponsorship goldmine to brands such as Nike and BodyArmor SuperDrink. WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

MAY 2015

VOL. 8 - ISSUE 4

THREE UT O B A S THING TIFUL A BEAU N WOMA

RACHEL SARGENT What confuses you the most about men? When they have double standards in relationships.

OUR PEDIGREE D MAGAZINE READERS CHOICE “BEST HOT DOG” 2014 BLITZ WEEKLY BLITZIE AWARD “BEST HAMBURGER” 2014 URBAN SPOON “MOST POPULAR HOT DOG” 2013 D MAGAZINE READERS CHOICE “BEST HOT DOG” 2013 BLITZ WEEKLY BLITZIE AWARD ‘BEST HOT WINGS” 2013 DALLAS OBSERVER READERS CHOICE “BEST HOT DOG” 2013 DALLAS MORNING NEWS “BEST BURGER IN DFW” 2013 BLITZ WEEKLY “BEST SPOTS TO WATCH THE SUPER BOWL” 2013 HOW ABOUT WE “TOP DALLAS DATE SPOT” 2013 CRAVE DFW “BEST DOGS OF DALLAS” 2012 DALLAS MORNING NEWS “BEST BURGER IN DFW” 2012 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST BURGER” 2010 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST GREASY SPOON” 2009 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST NACHOS” 2009 D MAGAZINE “D-BEST HAMBURGER” 2006 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST BURGER” 2006 AOL CITY GUIDE “BEST CHEAP EATS” 2006 AOL CITY GUIDE “BEST LATE NIGHT DINING” 2005 AVID GOLFER MAGAZINE “BEST WINGS” 2004 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST HANGOVR THERAPY” 2003 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST HOT DOG” 2002 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST HAMBURGER” 2002 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST PLACE TO BUY A DOG” 2001 D MAGAZINE “BEST HANGOVER HELPER” 2001 THE MET “BEST BAR FOOD” 2000 D MAGAZINE “BEST WINGS” 2000 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST WINGS” 1998 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST HOT DOG” 1994 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST WNGS” 1992

Have you ever gotten something for free, or out of a ticket, because of your looks? Yes, but that’s not how I like to get things in life. Personality and hard work is something I really value. Favorite sports team: The Rangers. Who doesn’t love the good American sport of baseball?

Jarrod Fresquez Model: Rachel Sargent Make-Up: Makeup Junkies, INC. - Jai Okoli Hair: Makeup Junkies, INC. George Graham Wardrobe Stylist: Becca Jett

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MAY 2015

Jerod Davies

BY SARAH BADRAN – @BLITZWEEKLY

{The ART}

Jerod Alexander Davies: The Man Behind the Pabst Can

few weeks ago I was doing my usual Facebook trolling and a picture of a shiny new Pabst beer can graced my screen. I took a closer look at the photo and realized that a friend of mine had actually designed this killer piece of work now displayed on the side of SIX million cans worldwide.

Can I tell you I wasn’t surprised? I met Jerod Alexander Davies three or four years ago at an event that paired Just-Us League, a freestyle art squad raising funds for charities that the artist founded, and local art collective and non-profit ArtLoveMagic together for a collective mural at the Hilton Anatole. I always have been impressed by his incredible artistic ability and his magnetism as he works live, bringing audience members in and making them like they were a part of the piece that was created. “You quickly put up a silhouette and everyone’s like ‘Oh, it’s going to be a body!’ then you fill it in and it becomes something totally different,” Davies said. “You have to stage yourself so that it’s appealing as it morphs. “I like to freak it out at the end. These people think they have you pegged and know what the piece will look like at the end, but you’ve gotta freak it out. I’ve had a couple of people over the years not like my freak out at the end.”

Davies has even created an irreverent casual clothing line called Giant Nacho and has started working on a new menswear line called 4 AM that puts the Davies twist on classic pieces. Davies thrives on the unexpected, the strange. He finds beauty in objects that most people pass by. I mean, the guy strapped a half-rotted cow skull onto the front of his four-wheeler after finding it in the woods and turned it into an art project. This kind of artistic hunger has come off as odd to certain people, but I find it fascinating. “I took it home and bleached it, then meticulously geometrically fragmented the skull,” he said. “I saw it and thought to myself ‘Oh my God, I need this so bad.’ I have parts in my backyard like the spine that I’m going to turn into a glorious beautiful thing.” Even after getting to know Jerod in the local art scene, seeing him out at events and even hiring him to paint a daycare for a client of mine, I didn’t know the full extent of his affair with the arts. He doesn’t just paint live or serve as emcee of a Dallas-based hip-hop graffiti crew, it’s so much more. The 35-year-old artist calls himself “an environmental/color specialist” and has 16 years of commissioned experience under his belt. It’s clear that others have discovered his unbelievable potential, after learning that his work has been commissioned by big names like the City of Dallas, the Dallas Museum of Art, the Dallas Mavericks, Erykah Badu and Modelo Especiale. That’s right, the Davies brothers were even asked by Modelo to design custom pint glasses for the brand.

Live demo painting came from a need that Davies and his brothers Joshua and Isaac realized and soon filled. Someone would ask them if they could paint live at a party and they just ran with it. Now they’re what you’d call live demo experts after more than a decade of this kind of art entertainment.

“They saw that we were bursting at the seams with ideas,” he said. There’s a lot of wheat and Fleur-de-Lis in the design. Nature is a common theme people can relate to. The ode to nature that I wrapped the stranger things in, like a light pole dripping ink, makes it widely acceptable.

I didn’t realize that I had only scratched the surface of his creative abilities until I sat down with him at his downtown Dallas home. Even Davies’ parents were artists, an interior designer/architect/upholsterer and portrait artist to be exact. Since childhood, his parents encouraged him and his brothers to express themselves creatively.

“It was an alignment of the stars,” said Davies when asked of the Pabst PBArt win. “A friend mentioned the contest to me, I looked on the website and the contest had already ended. I went back to the website later that day and it said that the entries were extended until Monday at 5 p.m.”

“I was born constantly challenged and inspired to create,” he said. “My dad would ask, ‘What do you need to make that, Jerod?’ and go get the paint that night. I grew up thinking anything is possible. Each of us has a different style but a universal style together.”

Naturally, he whipped up the design in a matter of hours and turned it in within an hour of the contest ending. He was chosen as the winner of the design contest, out of more than 500 entries from every state in the U.S.

As he and his brothers grew up, the colorful trio grew artistically both individually and as one. Their expertise ranges from paintings to murals, sculpture, collages, 3D art, detailed body painted illustrations, live demo painting and installation art. “I’m still exploring different facets of the gem I’m trying to polish”, said Davies of his artistic career. “Me being creative is just me being creative. I’m not confined to a twoword type of art. It’s my blessing and my curse, but I enjoy juggling my styles.”

Jerod Davies

“He’s literally a living Pabst beer can come to life,” said Davies of the new can, which incorporates the brand’s logo into every aspect of the design. His illustration “Diving for Liquid Gold” currently is featured on cans worldwide and will grace six million 16-once tallboy cans over a three-month period. You can celebrate the local artist by popping open a can of PBR, now available anywhere tallboys are usually sold. WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

MAY 2015

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

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MAY 2015

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THE STATE OF THE DALLAS RESTAURANT SCENE 16

MAY 2015

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LAST YEAR BROUGHT US SOME BEAUTIFUL NEW RESTAURANTS such as Gemma, that amazing New American-style restaurant open until 1 a.m. nearly every night of the week; Knife, Dallas’ brightest new steakhouse run by John Tesar and featuring a crazy-good 240-day aged ribeye (more on Knife in this issue); The Blind Butcher, one of our very favorite eclectic bars on Greenville Avenue featuring homemade sausages and duck poutine to name a few dishes; Bishop Art’s Stock and Barrel for amazing grilled features; and CBD Provisions located inside the Joule – one of the best places to order an enormous pig head accompanied with a stack of freshly pressed tortillas. This year also has seen some terrific successes open in Dallas. We will be seeing more restaurants in several key areas including the Design District, Lowest Greenville Avenue, Downtown at the Farmers Market, and a refreshing new area in West Dallas called Sylvan | Thirty, which is located, well, on Sylvan near I-30. So far a ramen restaurant simply named Ten has opened, setting off a fresh battle for the top ramen title in Dallas. You will be seeing more ramen hotspots open in our city very soon, rounding up the ramen count considerably, and hopefully catching us up on that trend which has been waning a bit in other large cities across the country. Ten already has been enjoying a modicum of success, and is no doubt the quirkiest restaurant in the city. Here you may find beautiful and large bowls of house-made ramen for a mere 10 dollars each. There is no seating, and no to-go bowls allowed. You will need to eat standing, or pull up a piece of cement outdoors. Ten also only takes cash. But all is forgiven because it is run by the same cheffy genius who operates Tei An, Teiichi Sakurai, and he can make a mean bowl of soup.

BY STEVEN DOYLE – CRAVEDFW.COM

IT HAS BEEN AN UNUSUAL YEAR IN THE FOOD WORLD, AND THE DALLAS AREA CERTAINLY IS NO DIFFERENT

Since our last restaurant edition of The Blitz, we have suffered as a city when it comes to high-end seafood with the losses of Tesar’s Spoon and Driftwood in Oak Cliff. We still have some wonderful choices if you happen to be a pescetrarian or seafood aficionado. Look towards East Dallas for a restaurant called 20 Feet Seafood which not only has amazing fresh seafood choices, but also a bowl of pork ramen for an aha moment. We still love TJ’s Seafood Market on Oak Lawn, and this past year the folks there have opened a second and extremely larger location on Preston and Royal. Sit and eat freshly-prepared dishes, or peruse the case for fresh catches to take and make at home. Rex’s Seafood on Lovers Lane also is expanding to the Dallas Farmers Market and another space in East Dallas for total seafood domination. Beef has been having a great year so far. Certainly with the aforementioned Knife, with all of its glorious beefy options, but also the many more burger spots that now avail themselves to the burger-loving public (which apparently is all of us). The most interesting of all the places offering beef has been Luscher’s Red Hots in Deep Ellum. Owned by Brian Luscher of The Grape, Luscher’s offers snappy housemade smoked hot dogs, pulled pork sandwiches, a hot dog with pulled pork, a homemade gyro, a seriously good burger, a classic Chicago-style Italian beef sandwich and so much more. Consider this the place in Dallas to find insanely good meat on a budget. This also might be where you want to break up with your vegan girlfriend. The Chicago-born Italian beef sandwich seems to be trending hard currently, not only with Luscher’s version, but also since Al’s #1 Italian Beef opened a location in Addison. Another iconic Chicago restaurant chain is making headway into North Texas with the addition of Gino’s East which will first appear in Arlington, then in Dallas and Fort Worth. For those unfamiliar, the Italian Beef is thin slices of beef wedged into a firm Italian roll, then soaked in a natural beef jus for an incredible mouth full of beefy flavors. It has been a fantastic year for those who hobby around in restaurants, dining their way through the latest trends and openings. We look forward to many more this year, and will certainly keep you informed in coming issues.

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

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MAY 2015

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However, and more important, Tesar was the wizard behind Spoon, a now-defunct seafood restaurant elevated to the heights which Dallas have never seen. The restaurant closed for several reasons, but none having to do with the amazing quality of the meals he was producing. Tesar claims we will see this restaurant once again at a more high profile location. Tesar also operates Knife, the beautifully refreshing steakhouse located in the Highland Dallas Hotel on Mockingbird. Knife actually is a steakhouse meant for all people from every economic stature. Sure, you may enjoy a giant haunch of ribeye that has been aged for 240 days in the Tesar meat locker, and sells for $80 per inch. But you also may select from a large grouping of “new school” cuts including a beautiful Tri Tip ($25), a Flat Iron ($25) and one of our favorites, the Grilled Short Rib ($29). All come from the beef experts at 44 Farms.

CHEF TESAR CONTINUES DISPLAYING HIS GENIUS AT NEW KNIFE RESTAURANT BY STEVEN DOYLE – CRAVEDFW.COM

immy was a brilliant cook. He’d come up with Brendan Walsh at Arizona 206, and the food he turned out in his brief time working there was so good. I’d stay after my shift was over, sit at the bar and order dinner and pay for it. Seeing what Jimmy could do in the kitchen really inspired me; I’d been slinging hash for way too long, and tasting a real demi-glace again, eating new, exciting food, seeing new presentations, made me remember what I’d enjoyed about food in the first place. – Anthony Bourdain, in his expose on his cheffy exploits, Kitchen Confidential. In Bourdain’s more recent book, Medium Raw, we learned that this “Jimmy” he refers to in his first novel is Dallas’ very own chef John Tesar, who Bourdain claims is the “best chef but with a selfdestructive streak.” For the uninitiated, Tesar is the crazy-good chef who made a huge splash as the oldest casted contestant for Top Chef in Season 10. He has more recently been embattled with Dallas Morning News food critic Leslie Brenner which has made plenty of national headlines. SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Each setting is adorned with a plate of iced crudité paired with a slab of house-made beef jerky. Fantastic touch, which is the genius part of Tesar. He truly thinks of every moment of your dining experience. No meal at Knife is complete without experiencing the platter of bacon that is a representation of five different styles of bacon, and varies depending on what is available. It is interesting to enjoy this grouping of bacon, and define the differences. The bacon board also comes with a warm pile of bacon jam meant to be spread on the various slices of breads that are offered. In addition to a large offering of steaks, you will find Tesar is the master at the burger. Look for several versions, including the Magic which is a throwback to his burger-flipping days as a child in the Hamptons. We asked Tesar a few questions: What is the best dish you have eaten? Everything I eat at Le Bernardin or at Mugaritz in Spain. I have a hard time deciding. Where do you get your inspiration? Traveling and eating in the best restaurants in the world and from “real authentic ethnic and street foods.” What was your childhood ambition? Pro surfer-skate boarder-snowboarder and a rock star. When I go back home to the Hamptons every summer I still surf and jam with the boys. How many drinks does it take for Anthony Bourdain to pass out? Flaco would never pass out. Or throw up for that matter. It’s against his religion.

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MAY 2015

BEST PATIOS IN DALLAS

BY STEVEN DOYLE – CRAVEDFW.COM

not only is dog friendly, but cat friendly – so bring your favorite well-behaved pet.

Cindy Higby

What to Order: The wings!

South Side NYLO Hotel Rooftop This patio is replete with a swimming pool and a few games to play. This is the best rooftop bar view in Dallas with a view you often do not see – the back side of downtown Dallas. Peel off the clothes, slip into a swimsuit, jump in the pool and enjoy a cocktail. What to Order: A Manhattan straight up.

The Ivy Tavern When the new owners of this hot spot took it over, it was possibly the saddest patio in Dallas.

allas does love its patio bars, and as the weather continues to soar upwards, many will be seeking the best places to grab a few rays of sunshine, a cool drink and the best spot to see and be seen. We have compiled a list of a few of our favorites.

look to launch their latest offering here. The patio is typically packed all day and night, and the beers are priced right at $5 each.

The Rustic

HG Sply Co

What to Order: We love the house-smoked pastrami sandwich.

Perhaps the largest of all the patios in Dallas, The Rustic is a great place to not only people watch, but to enjoy a great bite and a beer. With one mammoth stage that can be viewed from both indoors and out, you will enjoy the cool breezes as they wash across the cascading lawn. On busier nights you will find several beer stations outdoors, plus you have the huge main bar area with quick service and a willing wait staff.

This is a Greenville Avenue hotspot that has a beautiful and ever-expanding rooftop bar. Before publication the roof expanded across three businesses, and rumor has it that there is another expansion project in the works.

What to Order: The drink of the day is definitely a beer, and the Peticolas Velvet Hammer is the most popular.

Possibly the second-largest “patio” behind The Rustic, The Truck Yard offers a cool treehouse bar, hundreds of quirky seats, a stage, three food trucks, and indoor bar, a permanent Cheesesteak resto, an ice cream shop and a place for your pup to cool off on a hot Dallas day.

LUCK Located in Trinity Groves LUCK features 40 beers from the surrounding area only. The selection of local beers is phenomenal, and many breweries

What to Order: One of the many infused boozy cocktails.

The Truck Yard

What to Order: A PBR and a cheesesteak.

Katy Trail Ice House Another mammoth piece of real estate that is excellent for people watching, beer swilling, and a place to relax while doing a little of both. As the name suggests the property is on an expanse of the trail, so you will often find cyclists and joggers pass by. What to Order: The BBQ smoked only Friday through Sunday.

Lee Harvey’s What a beautiful evening it is to listen to a band, sip a strong cocktail and play with your favorite pet. This sprawling bit of outdoors is packed with picnic tables and features a free juke box. What to Order: The burger all the way, with a side of half fries/half onion rings.

Ten Bells Tavern Found in Bishop Arts, Ten Bells has great food, quirky (but fun) people, pretty damned good cocktails, and a decent beer selection. This patio

After many improvements it now is one of the most enjoyable and interactive patios around. Enjoy an outdoor pool table, a huge outdoor bar, shade under a beautiful oak tree, and plenty of parking. The food rocks it, too. What to Order: The brisket stuffed onion rings and a Community Brewery Mozaic IPA.

The Grapevine This solid bar makes powerful cocktails, has a decent local beer program, and the best set of regulars around. No food is served, so feel free to bring a picnic lunch (we suggest a cheese basket from nearby Scardello), or order a pizza. Watch out for runaway basketballs on the small court on the patio. What to Order: The Everclear Bellini.

Good Friends Beer Garden and Burger Bar This East Dallas Beer Garden has an incredible beer selection and wacky good burgers. The patio is hopping and the seats are a premium. On a clear day arrive early and stay late. What to Order: Whatever rare beer your barman suggests and the brisket topped burger.

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MAY 2015

12 Must Try Dishes

VOL. 8 - ISSUE 4

BY STEVEN DOYLE – CRAVEDFW.COM

We are out each night taking on the calories, sifting through the good, the bad and the delicious so you don’t have to. This means dozens of doughnuts, hundreds of burgers, plenty of steaks, a whole aquarium of fish, and a few loaves for good measure. All this to be able to report back to you the best of everything edible. In the past year, since our last big, splashy food edition at The Blitz, we sampled just about everything Dallas has to offer and have a list for you to try out this coming year. This is a no-fail list that will make you smile and your belly shake with joy. Here are some of our favorite dozen not-so-fancy dishes in Dallas that you might not have thought about, but should definitely try. We recommend one a month, but what the hell do it all in one long weekend for extra points.

THE FRIED CHICKEN AT REMEDY

DUCK POUTINE AT BLIND BUTCHER

PHILLY CHEESESTEAK AT THE TRUCK YARD

SMOKED FRIED CHICKEN AT CLARK

CHICKEN FRIED STEAK AT ALLGOOD CAFÉ

FRIED PIES AT FEARING’S

One of the newest additions to the food scene. A fantastic burger, cool drinks and a plate of fried chicken that is amazing. The chefs first confit the chicken. The pieces are then battered and fried for the most tender and flavor packed chicken experience you will ever encounter.

If unfamiliar, poutine is the unofficial dish of Canada that consists of French fried potatoes, squeaky cheese curds and brown gravy. The Blind Butcher has several versions, the duck does it for us with duck fat fries, cheese curds, duck fat gravy and a duck egg.

The Truck Yard offers at least three food trucks each day, but also has a built-in ice cream stand and a Philly Cheesesteak bar. Slices of ribeye are smattered on a grill and covered with onions, peppers, jalapenos, and mushrooms. Order the damned Cheez Whiz! It’s a must!

I guess we like the lowest Greenville area quite a bit. Only available at brunch on Sunday, the smoked then fried chicken at Clark Food and Wine will curl your toes.

It is the best chicken fried steak in Dallas. Period. Available all day, and at breakfast with a pair of eggs. Located in Deep Ellum.

There are plenty of iconic dishes at Fearing’s, located in the swank environ at Ritz in Uptown. Certainly Chef Dean’s tortilla soup, and his fried chicken. But Dean once told us that his pastry chef, Jill Bates, will never take off his favorite fried pies.

CHILI AT STAMPEDE 66

GENERAL TSO QUAIL AT FIVE-SIXTY

MEATLOAF AT STOCK AND BARREL

Stephen Pyles has this Texified restaurant wedged between Uptown and Downtown. Here he prepares his own chili, then cans it, then opens it tableside for the very best version of Frito Pie. His legal department renamed the dish Freeto Pie, but you get the idea.

Revolving restaurants always suck. Good rule of thumb to live by, except when it comes to Five-Sixty at the iconic Hyatt Regency. So many good things to choose from, but the quail always is a winner.

Bacon-wrapped and grilled, this is not your mother’s meatloaf. Enjoy the slab of meat at one of the premier restaurants in Bishop Arts where everything is pretty damned good.

LOBSTER ROLL BRISKET STUFFED ONION RING STICKY BUN AT TJ’S SEAFOOD MARKET AT IVY TAVERN AT CROSSROADS DINER Look high, look low. You will not find a better example of a lobster roll in Dallas. A pair of locations waiting to serve.

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

This is what State Fair genius is all about. Exactly as it sounds, this dish is house-made brisket plunged into the heart of a large onion ring, battered in Panko, then fried.

You will not want to pass up breakfast at Crossroads Diner without one of these massive sticky buns. They are as delicious as they are large.

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MAY 2015

Steven Doyle

7 BURGERS WE LOVE MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF

WALKING DISTANCE TO THE AMERICAN AIRLINES CENTER

KITCHEN OPEN LATE FRIDAY & SATURDAY NIGHTS! KITCHEN - TILL 1am BAR - 2am

THE DICK’S CHEZ BURGER COMES FULLY LOADED! ALL THE MUSTARD, MAYO & KETCHUP YOU CAN DRINK!

TOP BUN!

WHATEVER THAT IS! LETTUCE, TOMATO, PICKLES AND ONION!

CHEESE!

BY STEVEN DOYLE CRAVEDFW.COM

BOTTOM BUN! The burger continues its stride as one of the favorite iconic meals in Dallas. We either can bemoan or embrace this idea, but the fact is the burger stretches across all economic barriers. There virtually is a burger for everyone, and we have a list of some of our favorites to prove that point.

and fries will tip the scale just over a single pound. Good luck with that.

Note that some of these burgers are made by chefs in glorious restaurants, and others made by what we like to call burgermeisters whose sole position in life is to make you a delicious burger.

The Dairy-Ette drive-in located in East Dallas has been around for more than 55 years serving terrific burgers and homemade root beer. Yea, it is still good. On the smaller side of burgers, the meat is heavily seared on a grill that has been producing burgers for half a decade, and the bun is a mere Mrs. Baird’s variety. It screams delicious.

Off Site Kitchen: Located just on the outskirts of the Design District, the humble building offers the single best burger in Dallas. And humble it is with a thin, freshly-ground patty, a firm but stately bun, and several fresh ingredients such as tomato and lettuce. The Do It Murph Style is without a doubt our favorite, but there other versions on board. All good.

Knife is the latest to join our list of best burgers with several versions we love so much including The Magic which is bunned by an English muffin and has freshly ground 44 Farms beef. So good.

Henry’s Majestic is one of our favorite cheffy burgers. “We use the same Akaushi beef that we use for our steaks. We trim the beef and use the scraps, then mix in bone marrow,” said Henry’s chef Roe DiLeo. The magic doesn’t stop there. The chef tops the burger with caramelized onions, aged cheddar cheese, and a farm fresh egg, all sandwiched up with a big and beautiful brioche bun. If a burger could swagger, this one would do so with a cane and top hat.

%100 BEEF PATTY!

PROBABLY MOST LIKELY THE BEST BURGER YOU’LL HAVE ALL DAY! *THE DICK’S CHEESEBURGER LOOKS NOTHING LIKE THIS BURGER, BECAUSE IT’S A DRAWING.

2211 N. LAMAR ST. DALLAS, TEXAS 75202 214-747-0001 Happy Hour Monday-Friday 4:30-6:30pm 1/2 Off ALL Apps • $2 Domestic Pints & Bottles • $4 Wells & Lube Drinks 5/2 6pm Cinco de Mayo Celebration “Pinatas, Pooches & Pints...Chihuahua Races” Open to all breeds of dogs under 25 pounds 5/6 6pm Harley Davidson Bikini Bike Wash with Band Kim Younkin 5/12 7-9pm AEI Monthly Jeep Meet 5/13 6pm Bike Nite with Band “Hair Ballad Allstars” 5/19 7-9pm Modern Muscle Car Meet 5/20 6pm Bike Nite Biker Games with DJ Rodney 5/27 6pm Bike Nite with Sun Bru Bikini Bike Wash 5/30 6pm North Texas Modern Mopar Show & Shine

Monday 8-10pm Bike Nite Wednesday 6-10pm Bike Nite Thursday 7-9pm Weekly Jeep Nite Friday 7-9pm Bike Nite Saturday 8-12am Diesel Truck Nite Sunday 12-2pm “Paws on the Patio Yappy Hour” Sunday 4-6pm Amleon Sunday Meet All Years, Makes & Models Welcome! Sunday 6-10pm Nebraska Furniture Happy Hour

I DECLARE THESE BURGERS DELICIOUS!

Good Friend Beer Garden and Burger House has pretty damned good burgers. There are even new versions offered on occasion just to confuse your burger palate. Savor the El Jefe which is laden deep with slices of smoked brisket, bacon, jack and swiss cheeses. Fantastic beer list, and each burger is offered a suggested pairing for good measure.

Wingfield’s continues to warm our hearts (and most assuredly clog it with the burger’s mammoth delicious patty). Extra points for frying what would be very typical Ore-Ida crinkle cut fries in a vat of bacon-flavored oil. A single burger

Luscher’s Red Hots sounds like it would merely serve up a great hot dog, and it does. But Luscher’s also has one terrific burger. This Deep Ellum burger includes two Wagyu patties from McKinney’s Local Yocal market, prepared mustard, grilled onions and horseradish pickles and American cheese on a bun from the local La Francaise French Bakery.

Home of the 100oz Lube Tube!!! GREAT Specials EVERY Day!

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MAY 2015

VOL. 8 - ISSUE 4

ROCK AND ROLL PROVES GOD EXISTS BY PETER GERSTENZANG – PZANG7@OPTONLINE.NET

f you’re the sort of person who takes note of the evils and injustices of the world, it’s easy to look around and feel this is a Godless universe. There’s endless genocide. Climate change. You go to the supermarket and they’ve got Josh Groban singing Vincent. If there was a God, would he allow such atrocities? Especially that Don McLean cover? But recently, rock and roll has managed to provide reasons to believe in a Supreme Deity. Like when Billy Joel announced he wouldn’t be writing any more songs. At least, until The Rapture. Or we, as a nation, recovered from We Didn’t Start the Fire. Whichever comes first. Here are more rockin’ examples of why I’m now certain there’s a God. Ted Nugent – Sure, he spews forth so much hateful propaganda that Joseph Goebbels would’ve told him to cool it. He’s got more guns than the entire Mid-Atlantic region. And he’s making big bucks. But the joke’s on Ted. His music career is now officially over. Except for that prestige gig he has this summer. Playing in the circus sideshow for Jo Jo the Dog-Faced Boy. Way to go, God! Motley Crue – The fact that this musical version of The Killing Fields finally broke up is irrefutable proof of a higher power. Then again, it’s also freed Vince Neil to go solo. Making him the first vocalist to sing the national anthem and change keys with every word. So, it must be acknowledged: yes, there’s a God. But Satan is still giving him a run for his money.

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Pharrell Williams – Successfully sued for stealing a big chunk of Marvin Gaye’s Got to Give It Up to make Robin Thicke’s hit Blurred Lines. Which was originally titled Blurred Lines (Between Honesty and Being Incredibly Skeevy). Pharrell is furious about this Marvin Gaye comparison. And said it will all be settled with his next song, Sexual Healing. Williams also has a back-up plan, judging from his hat. If this song tanks, he’s going to return to his original job: being a World War I Doughboy. Kevin Costner/Jeff Bridges – All so busy, not one of these guys has been able to make an album for years. Please keep sending them scripts to read. Long ones. With sequels. And anyone even suspected of encouraging these evil twins to record again will be very sorry. Go ahead and laugh and claim you don’t believe in God’s wrath. Yes, those are locusts in your backyard. And festering boils all over your back. The Kanye West Backlash – Scheduled to headline at England’s Glastonbury Concert, the British have collected 60,000 signatures protesting the talented, but obnoxious rapper from topping the bill. If this sort of thing keeps happening, Kanye will only be able to get a gig headlining one tour. That’s right, Ted Nugent. Who will be playing nothing but the finest rib fests and gun shows. Vengeance is mine, Saith The Lord!

STRANGE BEDFELLOWS VOL. 8 - ISSUE 4

MAY 2015

NOW THAT STAR TREK AND STAR WARS ARE IN BED TOGETHER DOES THE ARGUMENT MATTER ANYMORE? BY ETHAN HARMON – EHARMON@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

f you haven’t noticed – and it’s hard not to notice at this point – the new Star Wars film is making its big screen debut at the end of the year. J.J. Abrams and his company, Bad Robot, are trying their best to build up enough hype to get people interested, while attempting to wash away the bad taste of the prequels out of the mouths of fans. With just a single teaser trailer, and an official trailer on the way, it’s safe to say that the hype train is running at full speed. On the opposite end of the spectrum…Well, not opposite, but hardcore fans will beg to differ…Star Trek will experience a huge anniversary next year as it releases its third film following the disappointing Into Darkness. Of course, these releases are going to reinvigorate an age old debate: Star Trek or Star Wars, which is better? My question is, “Why does it matter anymore?” Look, I get it. These are two franchises that have revolutionized television, film, pop culture, and almost every aspect of media. Simply say to a Wars fan, “do or do not, there is no try,” and there is a guarantee that a Yoda voice will accommodate a response. Tell a Trek fan, “engage,” and they will reply “make it so.” At this point, it feels like splitting hairs especially since both franchises are in the hands of Abrams and his Bad Robot imprint. Both franchises are wonderful for different reasons, but they captivate audiences worldwide and send them on a journey into space, seeing new aliens, experiencing new worlds, and feeling a fresh adventure unfold. But die-hard fans of either series will fight to the death defending their favorite and explain why the other is the inferior narrative. Okay, let’s say I bite and try to pick a side. Care to join me on a really annoying journey? I cannot remember which I saw first, but I grew up on both. My mother had me watching the original Star Trek series and the films Next Generation and Voyager, while my father would sit me down and have me view the original Star Wars films. This is just a bit of backstory before I dive into the nitty-gritty. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, I wanted to defend Star Wars. No one can deny its grasp over the movie genre, after revolutionizing the way

movies were viewed and how plots unfolded on the silver screen. Hell, the first film was Episode IV. This franchise gave us the Millennium Falcon, the Death Star, Vader’s horrible respiratory problems, Empire Strikes Back, “I’m your father,” the fantastical and bad-ass nature of the Force, and mother-flippin’ light sabers. Even with the failure pile that was the prequels, the franchise set box office records, and captured the imaginations of several generations. Though certain parts of the story fell flat, it’s impossible to deny the incredible grasp Star Wars has had on media, culture, and fandom. Comic conventions are dedicated to it, people revere (for some reason) George Lucas as a godlike being, and even with disappointment from the prequels, people cannot help but feel excitement for the new films. It’s easy to find a reason to love the sci-fantasy (it’s sci-fi, but people want to split an already split hair even more) series.

On the other hand, Star Trek has outlasted Wars. And, we can argue this all day, but it’s hard not to admit that Wars took a lot of influence from Trek, and A Princess of Mars. Star Trek was the first show to truly create significant social commentary – Twilight Zone aside – by showing a future where humanity came together to explore the galaxies together. Sulu and Uhura became integral members of the Enterprise, and are now held in high regard. It was the first science fiction television series to truly bring families together to explore the cosmos together, and with subtle social commentary and well-written stories, became a household staple. It pushed sci-fi to the forefront of accepted and cherished genres. After decades of not being on the air, Trek pulled millions to theaters to watch movies about a one-off character taking his revenge on Kirk, the search for a dear friend, and a voyage back home involving whales (if you didn’t see it, don’t ask).

And, arguably, Trek inspired more innovation in pop culture than Wars, i.e. iPhones, holograms, etc. Now, here is my point. Picking a favorite should not be an issue. Both franchises have their ups and downs. Wars has the prequels, and Trek has Enterprise, and prequel series. Both offer amazing character-driven science fiction tales. These stories captivate our imaginations and take us on a journey to a final frontier, or a galaxy far, far away. Both have insanely large followings with dedicated fans, and both fan bases will defend their turn to the end. Just because these franchises have differences – light saber this, Vulcan pinch that – they ultimately create the same experience. These stories allow us to escape into a different universe, where technologies beyond our comprehension are possible, beings never seen can be friends and enemies, and we all can surf the stars together on faster-than-light transports. It’s time to bury this argument, dammit. As a fan of both, I’m tired of being pushed to a “side.” If a Star Wars fan takes a huge dump on Trek, I’m going to stick up for it, and vice versa. I don’t want to be stuck as a fan of just one. Both have inspired my writings and both are cherished stories to me. Wars and Trek are part of my childhood and they remain inspirations today. These stories have taken me on a journey, one that I’ve shared with friends and family, and I hope to continue to do so in the future. Will I see Star Wars: Episode VII on opening night? You bet your ass. Am I excited to see the new Star Trek film when it hits screens next year? Hell to the yeah. Let’s stop bickering amongst each other, and let’s embrace both franchises at what they have become. These are beloved stories the world over, and just because some like one a little more than the other, it doesn’t mean the other is completely null. Our inner-nerd wants to like both, so let’s be open about it. We like both franchises and both are important to all of us. So, stop these stupid arguments about which is better, and go watch these shows and movies. They are made to entertain (and provide a moral), so go watch and have fun! WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

MAY 2015

VOL. 8 - ISSUE 4

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VOL. 8 - ISSUE 4

MAY 2015

Bits of Wisdom…Eddie Murphy The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice. I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

Andrew J. Hewett chewednews.blogspot.com

If all else fails, kick him in the ding-ding. Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten. Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, “Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?” And the rabbit says, “No.” So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 After visiting the dentist for the first time in years the first comment you’ll hear upon inspection of your teeth is: “Meth. Helluva drug.” Gemini: May 21-June 21 Later this month you’ll learn that turkeys can actually fly. You’ll also learn how much a new windshield costs. Cancer: June 22-July 22 Congrats! You’ll accept a promotion for a position that requires longer hours and more work for less pay.

TWITTER NOW: I SCREWED UP? A Mansfield, Texas, teenager was fired from a local pizza parlor the day before she started work. This happened after she tweeted, “Ew I start this f*** a** job tomorrow.” Another employee alerted Robert Waple, the owner of Jet’s Pizza, of the offensive tweet and Waple responded with a tweet of his own: “And….no you don’t start that FA job today! I just fired you! Good luck with your no money, no job life!”

Leo: July 23-August 22 Your life will reach a new low when you discover there’s a Facebook page for people who’ve been “hurt” by you.

Virgo: August 23-September 22 The stars predict that since you and your roommate are so broke, you’ll end up going to Narcotics Anonymous for the refreshments.

Libra: September 23-October 22 Choose your words wisely since you don’t have many left.

SOME WRONGLY SUCK Automatic vacuums needing no human operator have become very popular. The U.S. firm iRobot alone has sold more than 10 million. But they’re not perfect. After falling asleep on the floor, a 52-year-old South Korean woman named Yoon awoke in great pain and called the Changwon city fire department. Her vacuum had confused her hair for fluff. It took the crew half an hour to disassemble the machine and free her. WRONG END DUMB BUTT SELFIE Donald Harrison, 22, was so proud he’d escaped assault charges for hitting a Beaver County, Pa., woman, he took a selfie from inside his Greyhound get-away bus. Then, adding a message he was headed for South Carolina, he posted it on Facebook. After his arrest along the route, a local police chief stated, “We like it when dumb criminals assist us.”

Scorpio: October 23-November 21 The money gods frown upon your offering as you lose another damn quarter to the cushions of your sofa. Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 Your home is your kingdom. Prepare for the barbaric onslaught of junk mail and bills that soon will arrive. Capricorn: December 22-January 19 You’ll soon become a YouTube sensation when someone captures your reaction to a feral possum climbing on your back.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18 Now that your personalized license plate has been approved, the Metroplex will be amazed by your scintillating wordplay. Pisces: February 19-March 20 Your decision to exercise more, eat healthier and drink more water will end your reign as Buffet King. Aries: March 21-April 19 Now is as good a time as any to start that new project, as long as it doesn’t take more than four days and won’t gross out those who find your body.

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MAY 2015

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

VOL. 8 - ISSUE 4

MAY 2015

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