UNPROTECTED SHIELD
Roger Goodell’s decisions have turned the NFL into a house divided
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step The bestwayto go on game day!
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Ride DART to the AT&T Red River Showdown.
Fans: Be sure to allow plenty of travel time so that you arrive by kickoff.Also, sign up for text alerts so you’re in the know, on the go! Just text DARTTXOU to 41411. Full color
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INTELLIGENCE
5 Texas & Oklahoma Prepare for Battle We break down the Xs and Os of the Red River Rivalry 6 Fallen Mark Miller Delves into the folly of Roger Goodell 10 42 Years After Jackie Why Black America is leaving baseball behind 17 Arctic Arrival Dallas Stars newest addition is a big one 18 Steven Craves Dallas Steven Doyle shows where to get hungry in Dallas 20 Fall Style Guide Prepare to chill
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Wonderland Boudoir
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OCTOBER 2014
Oklahoma and Texas have played at Fair Park since 1929. The significance of that location has to do with the stadium, the Cotton Bowl, being halfway between Norman and Austin, with Dallas serving as a huge alumni base for both schools.
In 2012, the universities re-negotiated terms and demanded the city make more improvements to the recently-refurbished stadium. The city once again responded in kind by spending $25 million to spruce up the amenities.
Adding to the game’s pageantry is the fact it always takes place during the State Fair of Texas. Three trophies are exchanged depending on the outcome of the game.
The stadium’s entrances now feature new floors with Cotton Bowl logos. New banners and signage are more pronounced and placed more frequently throughout the stadium. Exposed pipes in the concourse ceilings are enclosed and there are twice as many televisions near the concessions stands.
There’s a gold, 10-gallon cowboy hat called “The Golden Hat,” the Red River Showdown Trophy kept by the student government of the winning school, and of course the Governor’s Trophy. The state governor on the losing side presents something to the other, usually a slab of the finest steak in the state.
BY LANCE RINKER @LANCEMRINKER
C
onsidered one of the greatest rivalries in all of sports, the Red River Rivalry has certainly captivated audiences worldwide. But the importance and value of the annual University of Texas-University of Oklahoma matchup goes beyond how many people watch. This rivalry is known by many different names, including the Red River Showdown, the Red River Shootout, the Texas-OU Game, or even the OUTexas Game. The name is derived from the Red River that forms part of the boundary between Texas and Oklahoma that has in the past caused conflict between the two states, most notably the 1931 Red River Bridge War. The matchups over the years have been legendary, with the annual battle swaying back and forth like a swing in the wind. Storylines such as Texas coach Darrell Royal taking on his mentor, Oklahoma coach Bud Wilkinson and Barry Switzer, when he coached Oklahoma, going up against Texas running back Earl Campbell, whom he tried to recruit. Then of course there was the record-setting matchup that saw Oklahoma quarterback Jason White shred the Texas secondary with a barrage of passes, leading to a 52-point margin of victory and the Heisman Trophy for White.
But the football programs themselves exude excellence, regardless of all-time standings, point differentials or even the storylines. OU has supplied the NFL with more than 360 players all-time in the draft, the fourthhighest total of all schools. The program also has groomed 38 first-round picks, including three No. 1 overall choices in quarterback Sam Bradford (2010), running back Billy Sims (1980), and defensive end Lee Roy Selmon (1976). Brian Bosworth was the No. 1 pick by the Seattle Seahawks in the 1987 NFL Supplemental Draft. The Longhorns have had more than 330 players’ names called on draft day, including a record 17 players drafted in the 1984 draft alone. The program also has had at least one player selected in 75 consecutive drafts from 1938 to 2013, which is a record. Among those draft choices, 43 UT players have been selected in the first round with three of those former Longhorns – Kenneth Sims (1982); Earl Campbell (1978), and Tommy Nobis (1966) – earning the honor of being the first players selected overall. The historical and economic factors involved with this intense rivalry shouldn’t be ignored either.
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The fans in attendance always are perfectly defined by color, with half-crimson, half-burnt orange taking place on their respective sides of the stadium and split down the middle at the 50yard line. The game has been a sellout every year since 1941, with capacity for the Cotton Bowl Stadium currently at 92,100. Dallas Mayor Mike Rawlings is a huge fan of the rivalry himself, and appreciates what it brings to the city of Dallas. “The Red River Shootout is important to Dallas because it has been part of the culture here for nearly 100 years and it brings millions of dollars in economic impact to the city every year,” he said. “The rivalry between the Longhorns and Sooners is special because Fair Park is almost exactly halfway between the two universities and the game is played at such a fantastic venue during the State Fair of Texas.” Each school receives direct payments of $500,000 for playing in Dallas, along with a split of the ticket sales. Dallas officials have estimated that the game provides an economic boost of more than $20 million in Dallas County each year. To show how committed the city was to keeping this rivalry in Fair Park, it spent $57 million on improvements that were completed in 2008. The upgrades amounted to a major overhaul, with the addition of 16,000 more seats and the installation of new scoreboard.
Facades cover the outside of the end zone stands, better blending the stadium with its historic surroundings. The press and game-official rooms were updated and expanded, and nearly 340 club-level seats were installed, providing prime seating for boosters. The 109th edition of this classic football clash will take place on Saturday, Oct. 11 with kickoff time being decided closer to the date of the game. Oklahoma is the home team for the 2014 game and will wear its white jerseys. The Sooners will occupy the sideline below the press box. OU always is the home team in even-numbered years. In an atmosphere that arguably is more unique than that found at any other game, this rivalry is one that marks time and gives players and fans alike experiences for a lifetime.
Total meetings 108 Series record Texas leads, 60-43-5 First meeting Oct. 10, 1900 Texas 28, Oklahoma 2 Last meeting Oct. 12, 2013 Texas 36, Oklahoma 20 Next meeting Oct. 11, 2014 Largest win Oklahoma, 65-13 (2003) Longest win streak Texas, 8 (1940-47, 1958-65) Current win streak Texas, 1 (2013-present) Trophy Golden Hat
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“HERE’S A GUY WHO REPORTEDLY EARNED
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And if true, how can you in good conscience turn a blind eye to an organization that might seem more intent on protecting its precious brand than innocent peoples’ lives?
$44.2 MILLION IN ANNUAL SALARY, BONUSES AND OTHER
The Rice and Adrian Peterson cases are among 24 domestic violence cases involving NFL players in recent years. While arguably the most high profile recent off-the-field incidents, they are far from the only ones as this quick look at some others suggests:
• Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay was suspended six games
COMPENSATION LAST YEAR, AND DIDN’T OFFER TO DONATE $1 MILLION OR SO OF HIS OWN MONEY TO
and fined $500,000 for violating the league’s personal conduct policy when he pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of driving while intoxicated.
• Denver Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker originally was suspended for four games for violating the league’s performance enhancing substances policy for using amphetamines.
• Dallas Cowboys nose tackle Josh Brent was suspended 10 games after serving time on his manslaughter charge in the death of teammate Jerry Brown Jr.
DOMESTIC ABUSE CAUSES
• San Francisco 49ers linebacker Aldon Smith was suspended nine games for off-field legal issues.
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• Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon was suspended for 16 games for repeated marijuana test failures.
pen mouth, insert foot, chew vigorously. That’s what National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell keeps doing, especially after being grilled by the national media at a press conference Sept. 19 in a New York City hotel.
These “crimes” follow the 2012 bounty scandal against the New Orleans Saints in which head coach Sean Payton was suspended for the entire season. All penalties were handed down by NFL czar, we mean commissioner, Roger Goodell.
Arriving 15 minutes late, the embattled Goodell spent much of the 45-minute session apologizing for how he initially handled the Ray Rice domestic abuse incident in a former Atlantic City casino/hotel. When asked if he ever considered resigning, he brushed off the suggestion. Queried about the owners firing him, he said it was a hypothetical question.
Maybe that pattern of inconsistency shouldn’t be surprising in light of Goodell’s handling of a more serious situation with Rice. This summer, several months after an initial security video showed Rice dragging his unconscious then-fiancée, now wife Janay Palmer through a hotel elevator, the Baltimore Ravens star running back only received a two-game suspension. Early in September, Goodell changed that to an indefinite ban after the release of a TMZ video showing Rice actually striking Palmer.
What Goodell failed to do was the one thing he could have to rebuild some trust with the fans and sponsors. He didn’t discipline himself. Here’s a guy who reportedly earned $44.2 million in annual salary, bonuses, and other compensation last year and didn’t offer to donate $1 million or so of his own money to domestic abuse causes. Couldn’t he and the owners have worked it out to at least suspend him for a month without pay and have someone else do his job? Apparently when someone like Goodell helps earn the league $10 billion a year, the answer is no. Maybe in the interest of protecting women and children, the NFL needs to lose its status as an unincorporated non-profit trade association that pays no income tax because it technically doesn’t make a profit. But you might be one of those sports fans who just want the games to be played. Perhaps you’d rather not have to hear about or form an opinion on what’s happening off the field? You’d then be in the 86 percent who in a recent poll said what’s been happening in the NFL will not affect their choice to watch games and see how their fantasy teams fare.
The league has yet to levy any punishment against Greg Hardy of the Carolina Panthers and Ray McDonald of the San Francisco 49ers who also are facing ongoing domestic violence cases. Fortunately the Panthers took matters into their own hands by deactivating Hardy for their Sept. 14 game, the same action the Vikings did the same with Peterson who has been charged in a child injury case. The 49ers, however, allowed McDonald to play. While Hardy already has been convicted of his charges, Peterson and McDonald have yet to go to a trial. Surprisingly, all are still being paid. Add in the proposed $765 million settlement with former players relating to concussions and other head injuries and it’s been quite a two years for the league and Goodell.
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became commissioner in 1960, there were 12 teams and overall attendance was 3 million. When he retired in 1989, there were 28 teams with combined attendance of 17 million. The NFL Properties and NFL Charities divisions started on Rozelle’s watch. Under Rozelle’s successor, Paul Tagliabue, television contract revenues skyrocketed and six new franchises were introduced to six different cities and initiatives to increase the number of minorities in key league and team management positions was instituted. Following Rozelle’s admitted mistake of playing games two days after the Kennedy assassination, Tagliabue canceled the entire slate scheduled the weekend after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. He also was praised for helping institute the strictest substance abuse policy in professional sports. Criticisms of Tagliabue centered more around football and business issues including relocation, expansion, revenue disparity, strict rules on taunting and other actions that brought some fans to call the NFL the “No Fun League.” But that was about as controversial as it got under Tagliabue. There were no player strikes or lockouts during his tenure. There were few, if any, off the field troubles with players and team officials. The same can’t be said for Goodell. Though since taking over in 2006 he has emphasized safety, problems have clouded his tenure nearly since the beginning. These started with significant offthe-field transgressions that led to the announcement of the NFL Personal Conduct Policy in 2007. That same year he disciplined the New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick for trying to videotape the defensive signals of the New York Jets known as Spygate. There also were the 2011 player and 2012 referee lockouts. So maybe, just maybe, we should have seen something like what’s been happening lately coming. With weekly rosters of 53 players and practice squads of 10 more, the National Football League easily features more players than any other major professional sport. That’s more than 2,000 highly-paid athletes playing a very violent sport. If even 1 percent of them mirrored the ills of society in general, there would be at least 20 major incidents each year. In short, the big stage of professional sports magnifies what happens every day throughout the country and no sports stage is bigger than the NFL. Amid all the recent turmoil, there’s been a variety of reactions. Mark Stevens, marketing CEO for MSCO, said on a recent CNBC interview that Goodell shouldn’t lose his job because of what he means to the brand. “When you have a brand in turmoil, if he leaves, you have even more turmoil,” Stevens said. “All brands have ebbs and flows. We’ve seen a lot of ebb and flows in the NFL in recent years. If he goes, the issues going around the NFL are not going to go away. It’s a unique situation and to inflate the issue now will be dramatic for the brand. In two weeks, this will not be a story.” Mark Epner, a former federal prosecutor, had a different take.
But if you think questionable decisions are new for the NFL, think again. Beloved Commissioner Pete Rozelle regretted his initial choice to play games two days after the assassination of President John F. Kennedy in 1963.
“In two weeks he no longer will be the commissioner of the NFL,” Epner said. “There are two possibilities. Either he lied or he was very economical with the truth when he said he and his front office hadn’t seen the video. If it was a consultant who saw the video, he should be fired for hiring that consultant.
Rozelle also had to deal with drug scandals in the 1980s but is credited with elevating the NFL to its current status. When he
Boy were both of them wrong.
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Former NFL player and now ESPN analyst Mark Schlereth said the league let he and other former players down along with every fan, coach, and current players. ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith said even though he believes the league lied about the second tape, Goodell shouldn’t lose his job. ESPN’s Skip Bayless had a different take when he said “this commissioner didn’t drop the ball; he chose not to pick the ball up in this situation. It was willful negligence. The league tried to steer clear and not get involved in domestic violence cases.” ESPN’s Keith Olbermann said all included should resign from the Atlantic City police to Ravens officials to the NFL. He said everyone is covering up the incident. The women’s advocacy group UltraViolet took its views to the skies above four stadiums, most notably MetLife Stadium in New Jersey before the New York Giants-Arizona Cardinals game. Its flying banner there stated “@UltraViolet: #GoodellMustGo.” Believe it not, there actually were Ravens fans interviewed before the Sept. 11 game against Pittsburgh who thought Rice was the victim because he was defending himself after his now wife hit him. One even said he was an upstanding person in the Baltimore community. You cannot be serious? Jena McGregor of the Washington Post noted the dramatic leadership contrasts of Goodell and National Basketball Association
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the Donald Sterling situation with racism. McGregor pointed out how Goodell has made his decisions in reaction to public opinion and additional information. Silver was decisive and proactive with his choices. That certainly differs from the way Goodell has made many of his disciplinary decisions. Despite all the negative vibes, some positive things have occurred. For example, Google Trends reports the most attention to domestic violence in nine years. Also, the National Domestic Violence Hotline asked visitors how the news about Rice affected them. The recent issues also appear to have opened some dialogue among NFL owners on what future action to take. It has been reported that at least five want Goodell out for the good of the league. But it would take another 17 owners agreeing with them to oust the current commissioner and that’s unlikely to happen. One owner who needs to go is Baltimore’s Steve Biscotti, along with his team president Dick Cass, and general manger Ozzie Newsome. After hearing about the Feb. 15 incident in the casino elevator, they did everything they could to convince both the NFL and Atlantic City police to be lenient on Rice, the face of the franchise for six years. About the only person who didn’t have that opinion it has been reported was head coach John Harbaugh who immediately wanted Rice cut. He was overruled by his bosses.
• Pepsi-Cola, which has a $100 million deal with the NFL, said in a Twitter statement “Domestic violence is completely unacceptable. We are encouraged to see the NFL is now treating this with the seriousness it deserves.”
• Campbell’s Soup Company said “Domestic violence is abhorrent. We are watching developments closely and look forward to the findings of the independent investigation underway. Upon completion of the investigation, we expect the NFL to take appropriate action. We have shared our views with the NFL.”
• Then there was Proctor and Gamble which on Sept. 19 canceled an on-field breast cancer awareness promotion with the NFL. “The brand has decided to cancel on-field activation with NFL teams,” said spokesman Paul Fox in a statement. “Domestic violence is completely unacceptable and we have strongly urged the NFL to take swift and decisive action to address this issue... Our decision to cancel this on field activity was related to this ongoing issue.” Since it appears Goodell will not resign and it is unlikely he will be fired, the ultimate decider of his fate may come down to sponsors. If more act like Proctor & Gamble and pull away from the league, he’ll be in trouble. If they like the future changes in policy, he’ll likely still be around. No matter what, to truly maintain its brand and grow a great relationship with its fans, sponsors and others, the NFL can’t maintain the status quo. Analyzing, changing, and implementing a new personal conduct policy by the Super Bowl in February is a start. Stripping Goodell of his powers as disciplinary judge, jury and executioner would be another. Let’s hope the NFL takes it a step further by creating the first true domestic violence policy in major American professional sports and enforce it to the letter. Now that would be a real way to improve your brand.
“THERE ARE TWO POSSIBILITIES. EITHER HE LIED OR HE WAS VERY ECONOMICAL WITH THE TRUTH.” Omunene Commissioner Adam Silver, who was praised for how he handled SMARTER, SHARPER MEN
Even some of the league’s highest-profile sponsors weighed in:
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(NEARLY) BROUGHT DOWN ROGER GOODELL
HOW
BY C.CRAIG PATTERSON – CPATTERSON@BLITZWEEKLY.COM
G
iants should be wary of the spotlight; their shadows may reveal them to be much smaller men.
The National Football League’s commissioner probably needs some aspirin this morning – and likely every morning for the foreseeable future. Roger Goodell, the leader of the largest and most lucrative sport in America, found himself dead smack in the middle of one of the worst weeks of his life. Beginning on Sept. 9, a five-day flurry of round-the-clock news coverage nearly dethroned the single most powerful man in sports. And it all started with three minutes and 30 seconds of elevator security camera footage posted by TMZ. When the dust settled the commissioner still had a job, but had shown his discomfort when the attention turned towards him. Goodell, once an unstoppable juggernaut now had become all too human and a website that was taken as a joke had become the more credible of the two. To fully appreciate what TMZ was almost able to accomplish, we have to take a step back to get a better understanding of who Roger Goodell is and how he got to his position. The son of a Rockefeller-appointed New York senator, Charles Goodell, Roger got his degree in economics and found a job as an intern for the NFL in 1982. The younger Goodell had a knack for making the league money. He was promoted several times before making an impression on then-commissioner Paul Tagliabue. Goodell then went on to oversee the league’s business ventures and did his job well; earning the respect of the league’s owners, who appointed him commissioner upon Tagliabue’s retirement. From there, he did what he was elected for… grow the business. Over the next eight years Goodell solidified football’s dominance in the American economy; pushing TV ratings miles above expectations, opening the door to the film industry with the Kevin Costner movie Draft Day, and making the NFL a $10 billion a year company. If there were a way to increase revenue, the commissioner was exploring it. The bottom line wasn’t the only place where Goodell was succeeding. He ruled the front office with an iron fist. It became routine to see the commish levying harsh penalties against those who ran afoul of the league’s guidelines. Illegal hit? Five-figure fine on your first offense.
Substance abuse? Season-long suspensions. And then there was Ray Rice. On Feb. 15, 2014 inside of an elevator at the former Revel Casino in Atlantic City, N.J., Rice pummeled then-fianceé Janay Palmer to the ground rendering her unconscious. Both were arrested and charged with assault and the normally quick-to-action administration of Roger S. Goodell waited nearly five months to make the misstep heard ‘round the world. Two games – a laughable suspension. The man who struck a woman and then dragged her limp body into a hotel lobby was given a shorter sentence than if he had taken a steak dinner from a booster while at Rutgers. Public outrage ensued, the recipient of Rice’s physical aggression married him a month later, and Goodell’s logic and motives were questioned. After some time passed, Goodell tweaked his domestic violence policy and the league seemed to have escaped the ordeal relatively unscathed. Then the morning of Sept. 9 arrived. At 1 a.m. PDT, TMZ, the most popular gossip website in the world that was also responsible for the original Ray Rice footage in February, released the never-before-seen footage from inside the elevator. Video that displayed what most would agree was the definition of domestic violence. The grainy images showed the 5-foot-8inch, 206-pound Ravens running back striking the much smaller Palmer and then casually standing over her body and looking into his phone after pulling her three-quarters of the way into the lobby; her legs askew. The video emerged as if out of thin air. ESPN didn’t have it, NBC didn’t have it, CNN didn’t have it, the NFL claimed it didn’t have it, but the website better known for covering the rants of Kanye West did. Their team worked on the story for seven straight months and refuse to reveal their confidential source, but one thing we did learn from TMZ’s investigation: Roger Goodell had some explaining to do. The “journalists” at a celebrity news site had unearthed what others could not and the sports world’s largest titan appeared to have been bested by the most unlikely of giant slayers. But how? If you knew TMZ’s recent history perhaps its role in the biggest NFL story of the past five years would have been less of a surprise. The website named after the historic Los Angeles studio Thirty Mile Zone has had its hand on the pulse of celebrity news for quite some time now.
It boasts a top-rated site, popular TV show, bus tours, popular app and merchandise. It rewards handsomely for tips on the famous and infamous. All these things combined equate into a vast intelligence network that spans coast to coast comprised of people who are comfortable with giving them exclusive information. The everprogressive mind of managing editor Harvey Levin has capitalized on the public’s willingness to hand him secrets and launched TMZ Sports; vying for the same power over leagues and athletes that he holds over studios and actors. In the past year alone, Levin and TMZ have broken the news on the sexual assault charges brought against Florida State quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s racist voice recordings, and the child abuse charges against Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson. They have taken down a team owner and celebrated players, but never a league head. The Ray Rice video threatened to change that.
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Roger Goodell, purveyor of punishments, had become target of some very real and very justified interrogations. In just a week’s time Congress, journalists, and an internal investigation have scrutinized him. The same man who came down hard on New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton just a couple years ago for the now infamous bounty scandal even though Payton claimed to have had no direct knowledge of it was now pleading ignorance himself. Goodell told the press and anyone who would listen that he had never seen or requested the tape and therefore could not have been held responsible. The public unanimously disagrees. Luckily for the commissioner, he keeps the owners very wealthy and they have no interest in changing that and by proxy, him. He may have survived his worst personal public relations nightmare, but TMZ, like the rest of the country, has seen that he is a man with much to hide and everything to lose. TMZ will be ever vigilant awaiting his next misstep with its wallet open to pay whoever can give it the story first. So we shouldn’t be surprised to hear our favorite ESPN anchors and analysts, local sports columnists, and radio personalities direct us to stories that originate on the familiar celebrity gossip site because the times have changed and TMZ has risen to become the watcher of the watchmen and has yet to find a giant too tall to be put under its spotlight. WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM
42 Years Since Jackie Robinson Last Laced Up His Cleats, Where Have All the African-American Baseball Players Gone? 10
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BY KEYSHA HOGAN – @THEKEYSHA
B
aseball is nothing more than another classroom in the educational process. Really, baseball is a metaphor for life.” –Augie Garrido, University of Texas baseball head coach. Every year players across Major League Baseball wear No. 42 jerseys as a gesture of respect and remembrance of Jackie Robinson. And every year there is hand-wringing and worried looks as everyone questions how few African-American players, coaches, managers and owners are in the league. Skeptics will point toward the dwindling numbers of white players in the National Basketball Association as a clear reason why these questions should never be raised. But instead of relying on empty gestures and defensive posturing, we owe it to the legacy of a legend to look at how we made it to this place, and where we need to go.
The younger Robinson followed his dreams all the way out to the University of California-Los Angeles. Eventually the money ran out and he left school right before graduation. Still dreaming of earning a living playing sports, Robinson tried his hand playing football in Honolulu and Los Angeles. His time with the pigskin was cut short when the country entered into World War II and Robinson was drafted. Soon after being commissioned, he was assigned to the Army base in Fort Hood, Texas. All accounts point to Robinson having a promising military career, but on July 6, 1944 he first dared to take a stand on race relations. Robinson was court marshaled on trumped up charges for refusing to give up his seat on a military bus. Word spread through the ranks of what happened,
doubt that race still matters in America even 67 years since Robinson entered the league and 40 years since Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth’s career home run record. But as the number of AfricanAmericans in MLB continue to dwindle, many wonder how this happened. Last year Commissioner Bud Selig formed a prestigious 17-member committee to examine why young African-American players ventured into other sports. He would have received better results by skipping the committee and just asking some black people. This slow-moving train-wreck has been spanning the last 20 years, and like most things the root cause is money. Baseball is played on diamonds with manicured lawns, and that requires not only the space but the ongoing maintenance.
with incentives to focus on Latin locales. In the past, players from Latin countries could be signed at younger ages, were not subject to the draft, and were free from limits on signing bonuses. That way of doing business fosters a system that has a focus on spotting talent at an early age and supporting its development. And unlike some other sports, baseball is built on the principals of mentorship. A naturally athletic kid can hone his talents in high school and expect to be recruited by colleges to play basketball and football. The particular set of skills that are needed in baseball are usually taught at a young age in backyards after school. And unfortunately AfricanAmerican children are more likely than any other race to be raised in a low-income, single-parent household, and may not ever get the chance to play a little catch to build those skills.
ON THIS YEAR’S OPENING DAY
only 8.3% of players were African-American, which is down from 19% in 1986. A Look Back Robinson was baseball’s first African-American player, breaking the color line when the Brooklyn Dodgers brought him into an all-white league to play first base. It was 1947, and players of colors had been relegated to competing in the Negro leagues for nearly 60 years. Starting in the 1860s, these Negro leagues served as a pastime of pride for ex-soldiers and officers who served in the Civil War. They had won their freedom, but were far from welcomed into the established society. So, in the midst of a nation rebuilding, they sought to create something for themselves. Sports in general serve that need by creating a resilient sense of self and community. Baseball became a safe haven and way to foster and support young black talent. And that community, built on the backs of men who fought for their freedom in the Civil War, would eventually welcome Jack Roosevelt Robinson into their ranks. Robinson grew up in Georgia in relative poverty and made the best of things by playing football, basketball, track and baseball in school. His older brother Matthew was a constant source of inspiration. Matthew was a track star who won a silver medal after placing right behind Jesse Owens in the 1936 Olympic Games in Berlin, Germany. SMARTER, SHARPER MEN
and those who tried to personally attack Robinson were swiftly shot down. His reputation was pristine, and along the way he became friends with prominent clergy and the NAACP. Together they exposed the injustice, and Robinson was acquitted of all charges and released from the service with an honorable discharge. After his military stint, Robinson began his time in the Negro leagues. After his very painful and public transition onto the Brooklyn Dodgers roster, he was praised for his strength of character and talent. While the story of Jackie Robinson usually ends at this point, many fail to realize he continued fighting for equality by using his new-found fame to petition presidents and Congress for civil rights legislation. The world of baseball owes a debt of gratitude to Robinson for crossing the color-line of baseball with grace and dignity. But the entire country was ultimately the true benefactor. He used the game of baseball to slowly expand the minds of millions. Over time he showed white America that he was not only capable but gifted, and he showed black America that a new day was just ahead.
The Issues It’s 2014 and this long summer fueled by highprofile demonstrations and protests left no
Next up there is the matter of equipment. Cleats, bats, and gloves can deter some from joining the sport when a good pair of basketball shoes can serve as school, work and play shoes. It costs hundreds of dollars just to outfit a Little-Leaguer these days. Youth bats can run up $300, and gloves can run into the hundreds. And why would a parent pay that much on equipment? Probably because they paid close to $1,500 for entry into tournaments and fees. And as the farm systems have turned into payfor-play leagues, many from low-income areas are kept out of the sport. As baseball player LaTroy Hawkins once said, “Baseball in the United States has become a sport for the rich.” For a young player who shows promise as a pitcher, his folks may decide to send him to a pitching school. On average, three days of instruction can run $1,500 and the costs can balloon once you add in travel, lodging and meals. These large investments are being made as down payment on a future MLB career, but also mean if your parents can’t fork up the cash, you probably won’t play. And like most things race related, there often is an institutional bias that leads to these type of situations. When it comes to player development, MLB has constructed a system that provides teams
The most glaring reason why most AfricanAmerican kids aren’t excited about the game is… well…it doesn’t seem cool. There are few things that are inherently cool, but just about everything else is strategically marketed to their audience. We live in a fast-paced world that is looking for the next celebrity and football and basketball have consistently sold them to us. Whether it’s the newest gladiator in football, or the flashiest basketball player with the killer sneaker game, we know their names and feel their presence in pop culture. These sports have capitalized on their unique attributes to build a diverse fan base. So, when marketing efforts don’t reach out to the African-American community, there will inevitably be less fans, and with less fans you’ll inspire fewer future players. The recent departure of Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington gives us plenty to reflect upon. The nature of the game for most players and coaches is suffering it out in the minors, being passed around from team to team, until after a few years, if you’re not hurt, you’ll finally have a breakthrough. If those kids can manage to stick with baseball through college they still can’t catch a break. National Collegiate Athletic Association Division I colleges can only offer 11.7 baseball scholarships
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per year. Instead of recruiting with the lure of a fullride, schools are forced to slice and dice up those 11.7 packages into small percentage packages to sustain a team of 25 players. If you’re coming from a tough financial situation, why would one want to risk their body and time struggling?
Renteria of the Cubs and Fredi Gonzalez of the Braves. On this year’s opening day only 8.3% of players were African-American, which is down from 19% in 1986. Unfortunately, this downturn comes as Commissioner Selig completes a victory lap on his way to retirement in 2015.
The best legends of the inner city are the ones about young talented kids who were able to make the instantaneous jump from amateur to pro at a young age.
Throughout his rein Selig promoted the legacy of Jackie Robinson, and encouraged the league to champion minority hiring. He has tried to implement new ideas from the league commission on diversity, but a majority of those ideas will need to be implemented immediately to see the first results in 10-15 years.
The Future Currently Lloyd McClendon of the Seattle Mariners is the last African-American manager in MLB. Recently McClendon said, “It’s concerning, not just from a managerial standpoint but from a player standpoint, in what’s happening with baseball in the inner cities.” As minority players dwindle, so will the number of minority managers and coaches. The only other minority managers are Rick
Moving forward, owners have come together to tackle the issues of signing bonuses and have pushed for Latin players to be included in the draft. Hopefully those type of early growth promotional programs that have been used to foster talent in Latin America will be brought back to our shores and used in low-income areas. And that type of
strategy is not only a benefit to African-American kids, but will increase the overall talent pool and usher in a new era of diversity in the game. Former African-American coaches and players have started youth baseball academies in underserved communities in New Orleans, Compton, Calif., and Houston. They have taken the lessons of mentorship to heart and provided equipment, facilities and instruction to these communities. When the all-black Jackie Robinson West team won the U.S. championship in the Little League World Series, Orioles All-Star Adam Jones explained why in this game mentorship matters. “Sometimes it’s not necessarily about giving money. It’s time,” he said. “A lot of my friends who are African-Americans in baseball, they’ve given money to their respective leagues where they came through. But they’ve also shown face, going down there and interacted with the kids,
hit B.P. with them, ran around with them. Smiled and laughed with them. Showed them that we’re humans. We’re not just going to write a check. You need to put in the time physically.” The fact of the matter is African-Americans are not obligated to play baseball. Yes, Jackie Robinson crossed the color-line in baseball, but he also turned the dial forward on race relations that allowed African-Americans to enter formerly segregated spaces. There are teachers, police officers, journalists, basketball and football players who benefited from his accomplishments. If the MLB wants to properly celebrate the legacy of Jackie Robinson then it must make sweeping changes to the culture of baseball to ensure access continues to be available to any young player, regardless of color and especially income. Baseball truly is a metaphor for life. Two-thirds of the time you’re striking out, and the luxury of money can open any door.
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FIGHT CLUB
UFC 179 Preview BY LANCE LEVAN – @LANCELEVAN1
UFC 179 is being held in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, on Oct. 25. In my opinion, this is a very “top heavy” fight card. The top three fights have five fighters in the Top 20. Four of the fighters are in the Top 10. It looks to be a very exciting, action-packed night of fights. And the Brazilian fans always are very vocal and loud for these fights. The arena will DEFINITELY be rocking. (C) Jose “Junior” Aldo (24-1-0) vs. (No. 1) Chad “Money” Mendes (161-0) This is going to be a five-round featherweight (145 pounds) title fight. This definitely is one of those fights that you have got to watch. I have been waiting for this rematch since January 2012 when Mendes lost to Aldo for the title. This has been Mendes’ only loss in his career and in my opinion, this is going to be a slugfest! Obviously, Aldo is awesome. HE’S THE CHAMPION! Both of these fighters like to throw punches and both like the ground-and-pound aspect of the fight. Mendes is a wrestler and Aldo is a world-class black belt in BJJ. I don’t think they are going to be on the ground very much…but if they are, expect a lot of speed and movement. I think Mendes is looking to avenge his only professional loss. I think Aldo knows this and has been training extra hard for this fight. This is an especially tough match to try and predict. But I think, in this instance, I am going to side with the champ. He has more experience and has successfully defended his title nine times. Clearly this is not his first rodeo. However, I believe that Mendes is one of the only people who can honestly challenge Aldo. My prediction: Aldo wins by split decision. (No. 4) Glover Teixeira (22-3-0) vs. (No. 6) Phil “Mr. Wonderful” Davis (12-2-0, 1 NC) This is a three-round, light-heavyweight (205 pounds) fight. Teixeira is going to be a crowd favorite since he is Brazilian. He also is a seconddegree black belt in BJJ…not to mention, he loves to strike. Davis was a National Collegiate Athletic Association Division 1 wrestler and has his purple belt in BJJ. This is another fight that I don’t think is going to go to the ground very often. I think these guys are going to be throwing LOTS of punches, kicks and elbows. Both of these guys have fought very highlevel opponents. Teixeira has won 20 of his last 21 fights. His most recent loss was to Jon Jones (for the title). Davis has won three of his last four fights…but almost all have been a “who’s-who” of the light heavyweight division. If either fighter decisively wins this fight, he may move further up the rankings ladder…closer to a title shot. I think this is going to be a good test for both fighters. However, once again, I have to go with the experience and the higher level of BJJ. My prediction: Teixeira wins via submission in the third.
(No. 15) Scott “Young Guns” Jorgensen (15-9-0) vs. Wilson Reis (18-5-0) This is a flyweight (125 pounds) fight that should be action-packed. Historically, the lighter division fighters usually are much more active and faster than their heavier counterparts. These guys are extremely fast and very technical…which makes for some very fast action in the Octagon. Jorgensen was an NCAA Division 1 wrestler and is a purple belt in BJJ. Reis is a black belt in BJJ and has won several high-level BJJ world titles. Reis has won six of his last seven fights as a professional fighter. Jorgensen has dropped five of his last seven fights in the UFC. I know that he is ranked No. 15 (which I am not sure why), but he could be on the proverbial “chopping block” if he doesn’t win this match in the eyes of Dana White and the UFC. An impressive win here could get him back on track in the rankings. A decisive win for Reis could propel him into the Top 20 and get him on track to move up the ladder closer to a title shot, somewhere in the future. Either way, this is going to be a fast-paced fight and it will be very entertaining to watch. We’ll see what they bring to the cage that night. Will they try to win by “not losing” or will they leave everything they have in the ring for 15 minutes. My prediction: Reis wins via TKO in the third round.
Disagree with me? Let me know via twitter @BlitzWeekly and we’ll see who has better picks the night of the fights.
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SpEZZ VOL. 7 - ISSUE 9
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ARCTIC ARRIVAL
Jason Spezza’s acquisition provides Stars with veteran depth
Sports with ke Martin Ihe
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am sure you have heard by now that your Dallas Stars had a very busy but productive offseason. One of the big moves they made was trading for forward Jason Spezza from the Ottawa Senators. He is big and a very good skater at 6 feet 3 inches and 220 pounds. He fills a big need on the Stars roster. He will be the secondline center which will allow head coach Lindy Ruff to move forward Cody Eakin down to the third line and take some pressure off forwards Tyler Seguin and Jamie Benn. Spezza is used to being the No. 1 guy and the pressures that come with it. Coming down here to play for the Stars will not carry as much pressure especially now that he will not be “the guy,” but here to help the franchise win another Stanley Cup and he is okay with that. “If you look around the league, the best teams have depth,” Spezza said according to dallasnews. com. “They can hurt you in more ways than one. That’s what I was looking for as a fit for me too, somewhere where I could go and be a part of the group and be just kind of a piece of the puzzle and add to it. “If you look at the best teams in the league, they’re usually deep up the middle and have more than one line that can score on you so I hope I can bring that here.” Spezza is used to being in the national spotlight as well, ever since he was little. At age 1, he won a baby contest that started his youth modeling career. He was the poster boy for Baby, a Broadway musical that played at Toronto’s O’Keefe Center when Spezza was 13 months old. According to Canada.com, at age 4 he appeared in a Minute Maid commercial and two years later modeled clothes for K-Mart and Woolco. After that, he transitioned to the sport of hockey as he became a highly-touted prospect in Canada which led to the Senators selecting him with the second pick in the 2001 National Hockey League Draft. It was the only team he played for in his first 12 seasons before being traded to the Stars. He has played in 686 regular-season games with
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251 goals and 436 assists. He has 17 goals and 35 assists in the postseason and led the Senators to the 2007 Stanley Cup Finals. Spezza is a two-time all-star and was named the eighth captain for the franchise before last season. Despite this all, he became frustrated with the way things were going in Ottawa and ended up requesting a trade. On July 1 of this year, the Senators granted him his wish by sending him to the Stars and he could not be happier. “I’m probably as excited as I’ve ever been going into a season,” Spezza told dallasnews.com. “It’s a different feeling being around the rink with a new group of guys and you kind of feel like a rookie again, you don’t know anybody and you want to get to know guys. But it’s an excitement that I’m happy to have. “I wanted a change of scenery out of Ottawa and I’m thrilled to be a Dallas Star now. I think we’ve got a great young team and I think we can do some damage.” That has to be quite the compliment for the Stars thanks to what owner Tom Gaglardi, general manager Jim Nill and Ruff are assembling here. The foundation they are building is catching a lot of attention from around the league. “It’s definitely a team that got a lot of buzz and a lot of attention around last year after missing the playoffs for four or five years and I think it was a rejuvenation for the organization and Dallas used to be looked upon as one of the best places to play,” Spezza said. “Any team that has had Joe Nieuwendyk, Mike Modano and Brett Hull, you’re attracting top-notch players. I think the organization had it in them, went through some financial stuff but we hope we’re on the upswing now and can be one of those places that’s attractive to guys.” Spezza, who has transitioned himself from being a baby model to an NHL all-star, is hoping he can be a part of a great team that will win a lot of Stanley Cups.
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Out of the Ordinary Restaurants Worth the Effort to Visit
Dallas is chock-full of burgers, pizza and steaks, and everyone has their own opinion where to find the best of each. But when it comes to the bit more exotic fare, you need to scratch the surface to find some of the more interesting and unusual. This month we searched the city for the best biryani, kick-ass dumplings and matzo ball soup that will make your grandmother cry. Be prepared to dine in high fashion on a budget, these items historically cost very little. Our list not only will save you a few bucks on your next date, but also will impress your dining partner. Be adventurous and try the items on the menu that you have never tried before. It is always fun to make a great new discovery. Also, it is generally proper etiquette when visiting a true “mom-and-pop” restaurant, as many of these on the list will be, to pay in cash. Often times that is all they accept, so it is good to be prepared. Good dining!
Chameli: Who doesn’t love a good hearty and economical biryani, especially when one bowl can feed a family of six rather easily? Chameli has been a long-time favorite. Biryani is a flavorful Pakistani rice dish packed with choice ingredients such as chicken or mutton, kicked up with a delicious sauce and topped with an egg. This dish starts at $4 a bowl. Also while at the restaurant try the superb butter chicken or others such as the tikka masala or korma with a side of naan bread. Located in Richardson at 201 South Greenville Avenue, chamelionline.com.
banh mi in Dallas. A banh mi is the Vietnamese sandwich made with a delicious baguette stuffed with slices of roasted pork, a slathering of pork pate, and innumerable crispy vegetables such as daikon radish, carrots and pickles. The sandwich costs but a few dollars, and you can buy a bag full for less than the cost of a pizza. Order a banh mi and a small bowl of pho for less than 10 bucks. Located at 9780 Walnut Street in Dallas.
Maharaja: Plano is steeped up in some pretty fantastic Indian restaurants, but Maharaja has stood the test of time. The owners have had this restaurant, and one located in Fort Worth, for the past 25 years. That is like a century in restaurant years. Throw a dart at any menu item and you will not lose. For the Indian uninitiated start with the tandoori platter. This is a combination of meats, including kabobs and chicken, cooked in the charcoal tandoori oven. The dish comes out sizzling and surrounded by onions and peppers. Call it the fajita of India. Instead of tortillas, wrap your food in naan bread, also made in the tandoor. Order from the list of many sauces including masala (slightly spicy and smooth tomato), saag (creamy spinach), korma (very creamy curry), and vindaloo (the spiciest of all the sauces in house). The breads are amazing. We mentioned naan, but also look for roti (puffier bread) and parantha (buttery crisp bread that can be stuffed with tasty ingredients). Find Maharaja at 4152 West Spring Creek in Plano, maharajadfw.com.
is one of our favorite movies, it also tops the list of our favorites at this tiny neighborhood restaurant. The English spoken word can sometimes be precarious at this Richardson restaurant, and the menu can sometimes be confusing (many of the dishes listed in Chinese have similar descriptions), but you will walk away satisfied with a hearty smile on your face just the same. Be prepared for sightings of large haunches of pig and hanging ducks in the entry way. It is your passage to another time and place where the food was king. The food is meant to be shared, thus the portions are large. You will find your typical orange chicken on the menu, but please order one of the specials for a better experience. And the duck soup is divine. Located in Richardson at 111 South Greenville Avenue, firstchinesebbq.com.
Kirin Court: Kirin is a beautiful restaurant that serves all day, seven days a week, some of our favorite Chinese dishes. However, the best part of Kirin is during the day up until 3 p.m. where dim sum is served. These are the rolling steamer carts filled with dumplings of all sorts, steaming vegetables, and interesting bits of meat and pastries. Most items come in bites of three or five, and are meant to be shared. Be sure to ask what each cart has available, they will all have something different. Grab as many as will fit on your table, be willing to share with your mates, and realize that each dish costs between $3 and $6. During the week it is half price. On weekends the better dishes are serviced instead of the standard fare, and the lines to gain entry can be horrid. Go very early, or very late. Weekdays it is a snap to get in. The English spoken word is difficult at best, so pointing is just fine. Be sure to order the sticky rice stuffed with bits of Chinese sausage, wrapped in a banana leaf. Kirin Court is located at 221 West Polk in Richardson, kirincourt.com.
La Me: This strip-mall favorite is the perfect
Royal China: Very mainstream, but
spot for soup and a sandwich. But in this case the soup is pho, and the sandwich is the best
considered the oldest Chinese restaurant in Dallas. The look is very modern as it was recently
First Chinese BBQ: Duck Soup not only
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remodeled with the addition of a noodle bar. Be sure to grab a seat at the bar, or within eye shot to watch the noodle master at play. Dinner and a show! The soups are large and amazing, and you cannot miss with any dish, especially if it has fresh noodles. We are sending you here this month for the xiao long bao, or soup dumplings. These are tiny mouthful dumplings filled with a meatball and a load of soup. The trick is to load a dumpling in a large spoon, nibble a bit off the top, slurp out some of the soup (and release some steam), douse a bit of the black vinegar into the dumpling, then shove the entirety into your mouth. Repeat. Royal China is located at 6025 Royal Lane in Dallas, royalchinadallas.com.
Kalachandjis: Visit this beautiful temple with respect, but enjoy the cuisine which actually is vedic. This is a healthy take on Indian with similar flavors. The dishes all are either vegetarian or vegan, but meat eaters will not miss cow for this one meal. In fact, you will go away surprisingly happy and content. The menu changes daily, and is listed on the website. Lunches are served buffet style which is perfectly fine since everything is kept fresh. It also is a great way to discover what you like best. Enjoy the crispy pappadams, pumpkin sabji, pakoras, dal soups and much more. Afterward, be sure to stroll through the Krishna temple. You will be very welcome. Located at 5430 Gurley in Dallas, kalachandjis.com. Deli News: Many people bemoan the fact that Dallas is lacking in a true New York-style deli. This is true, except Deli News is pretty amazing. Enjoy the mile-high pastrami sandwiches here,
along with one of the finest bowls of matzo ball soup. The matzo balls are huge and light, with a savory clear broth that skyrockets this meal to heavenly heights. The breakfasts at Deli News are superbly special as well. Deli News is located at 17062 Preston Road in Dallas, delinewsdallas.com.
Kuby’s Sausage House: It’s a meat market, a grocery, and a restaurant. It’s really a slice of old world German deliciousness. Kuby’s is known for its many, many handmade sausages which truly are the very best in Dallas. Kuby’s serves breakfast, lunch, Sunday brunch and dinner and the most popular dish is the the Wurst teller (sausage plate) with homemade sauerkraut, hot German potato salad and red cabbage. Other popular items include Oma’s Potato Pancakes, schnitzel, Reuben sandwiches and homemade soups that change daily. The dinner menu changes monthly and features traditional favorites such as Rouladen, Schweinebraten and Bayerische Spaetzle. Kuby’s is located at 6601 Snider Plaza, Dallas, kubys.com. Monkey King Noodles: Rounding off our list, which could literally go on forever, is the new guys on the block, Monkey King Noodles. Located in Deep Ellum at 3014 Main, this small noodle house has the very freshest of noodles made in front of you while you wait. Try the spicy beef noodle soup with a side of the soup dumplings. The beef noodles also can be ordered without both and is laced with a spicy sauce. Either way, it all spells delicious. Grab a seat on top of the roof, or take to go in case of unsavory weather. Go visit online at monkeykingnoodlecompany.com.
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FALL FASHION TRENDS BY AMBER LAFRANCE – ALAFRANCE@BLITZWEEKLY.COM
Fall is just around the corner (regardless if it is 100 degrees outside...again) which means one thing: No silly, not just the return of football, but it’s time to start daydreaming of fall fashion and cooler climates. And just like any sport, you definitely want to come out looking like a fashion winner this fall and not the fashion loser in his over-sized, buffalo-wing stained jersey. Follow the trends below and you may just get a few extra looks from the ladies.
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Culture Hype 01 You don’t have to be an outdoorsy Bear Grylls type to wear flannel — a flannel shirt works on a date when you pair it with a leather jacket. Try to find unique flannel patterns, since they’ve been popular since the 1990s. You definitely don’t want to end up matching your best friend at the bar. This Target flannel is unique with its dip-dyed style and decently priced at $32.99. We also dig the idea of being bold in flannel or checkered pants and mixing patterns. 02 Ties are a dime a dozen, but a horizontal striped tie is key for fall. Inside the office or out, little style evolutions like this make all the difference in an outfit. Every woman loves a man who pays attention to detail (wink wink). This Paul SMARTER, SHARPER MEN
Smith tie from Nordstrom is a little more pricey at $125, but its Italian wool material and square shape will give you a stylish edge. 03 Bland, boring sweaters always seem find a way into everyone’s wardrobe, which makes a patterned knit an exciting breath of fresh air. You can pair with a blazer or collared shirt underneath to make it look less like something your mom bought you for Christmas. We love this J. Lindeberg camouflage sweater because camo is still in for fall and it’s super comfy. 04 Handbags are not just for the ladies anymore. Whether you’re going on a business trip, weekend getaway, or just the gym, bags are smart
accessories for any man this fall. Don’t worry, we won’t suggest that you sport a fanny pack. Go for a classy leather piece that you’ll be able to use forever, or shop a more budget-friendly item like this tan faux leather H&M bag. 05 Afraid of turtlenecks? Don’t be! The 1960s are back and being able to pull off a turtleneck is all about the way you wear it (and confidence of course). Pairing the turtleneck under a stylish leather jacket or blazer will make you look put together and on trend. We love this beige GAP lambswool turtleneck, or a classic black version. 06 I’m a big fan of man jewelry. No, seriously! Being a bit of a jewelry addict myself, my favorite
thing to buy for a man is a great piece of jewelry. Eddie Borgo and Miansai by designer Michael Saiger make some of my favorites, but there are also less expensive options. I tend to gravitate towards a spike necklace or bracelet that will last a lifetime and can be paired with your favorite watch, but places like H&M have great options as well. Jewelry is a great way to accessories an outfit and add a little something extra to your look. If you have great jewelry, she’ll probably assume you know how to pick out something for her as well! It’s time to step up your wrist game this fall.
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YouTube
OCTOBER 2014
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The Unhappiest Place on Earth-Shattering
BY PETER GERSTENZANG – PZANG7@OPTONLINE.NET
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ot long ago, my only worries about visiting YouTube centered around musicians. Legendary moralist that I am, knowing the artists weren’t making money from people watching their videos upset me terribly. So much so that if I ordered McDonald’s hotcakes for breakfast, I usually was unable to finish the sausage. However, like many modern events, that terrible injustice has been replaced by one even worse. No, it’s not that every site has someone who’s written that the band you’re listening to isn’t as good as Rush. Although that happens a lot. No, YouTube now is the repository for racists and homophobes worldwide to type every bigoted term they know. And worse? Misspell them. And it’s not just the spelling, which would have to improve about 50 percent to qualify as dyslexic. It’s that the sickening sentiments expressed on YouTube seemingly are made by grown-ups. And posted while these wackos, wearing “I Love Cliven Bundy” tee shirts, are at work. Often in the customer service or billing departments. So, if you’re calling some large utility to ask for help and get put on hold for 20 minutes, while listening to Margaritaville, then get hung up on, it’s because of these Mensa members. It’s not that they can’t help you. It’s that they’re too busy in the “Comments” section of a Smiths’ song, reminding everybody of the earth-shattering fact that Morrissey is gay. Plus, they spell “Morrissey” incorrectly. Not to mention “gay.”
Of course, many of these geniuses also are typing such disparaging remarks instead of straightening out your utility bill. Which explains why, two weeks later, your gas and electric come to $2,200. Even though you live in a studio. Also, from what I’ve seen, racists and antiSemites are equally well-represented on YouTube. Making you think the only people who go there are either members of The Klan, Isis or The Palin family. Which also means they’re secessionists. At almost every site, from Jackson Browne to The Jackson Five, I’ve also seen President “Obummer” blamed for everything. Usually from people pissed they’ve had to wait too long for everything they ordered. From their Girl Scout cookies to their AR-15. As for the anti-Semitic stuff, check out anyone sporting a Jewish name, from Leonard Cohen to Asher Roth. They’re all called “Zionists.” And, you guessed it, it’s spelled wrong. Still, when things seem bleakest, you discover the slightest sliver of hope. Take the video for Jimi Hendrix’s psychedelic rocker, Freedom. One day, as I listened to it, I read the accompanying comments. Every one was positive. They sported words like “outtasite” and “inclusive” to describe this groovy tune. As Freedom neared its end, I thought, maybe not everyone who goes to YouTube actually is a bigot, boob or Bundy-lover. Now, if only Jimi had also been Jewish and gay, as well as black. Then I could’ve really tested my theory. But for now? I’ll take what I can get.
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VOL. 7 - ISSUE 9
OCTOBER 2014
The Wisdom of Louis C.K.
HE SHOULD SUE HIMSELF Gainesville, Fla., resident Joseph Carl, 48, was drinking when he drove his pickup into a vehicle stopped at a red light. Apparently hating to take the blame under his condition, he next jumped from his vehicle and began banging on the female driver’s car, leaving his own vehicle in gear... causing it to run him over. Later, after being treated at a hospital for a fractured hand and foot, Carl was charged with DUI and DUI property damage.
People say, “My phone sucks.” No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone. I’ve started to kind of hate people, and it’s not because I have anything against them. It’s just, I enjoy it. It’s recreation. God is like a shitty girlfriend. Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
Chloe Cushman
There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars.
Libra: September 23 - October 22 Everyone will forget your birthday. Don’t feel bad though, your dog will leave you a nice, big present on your bed. Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 Your horrible boss will send you a Facebook friend request for the fifth time, not only to bother you at work but also through social media. Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21 You’ll notice that you aren’t scheduled for any shifts at work for the next two weeks. Thinking nothing of it, you’ll check with HR only to discover that you’ve been laid off and that they “forgot” to tell you.
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Andrew J. Hewett www.chewednews.com HOPE HE DON’T COME UP “SHORT” You’ve probably heard of singer Chubby Checker, now age 72, who popularized a dance with his hit song The Twist in 1960? Well, in February 2013 he filed a lawsuit against Hewlett Packard and its “Palm unit,” also named Chubby Checker, a software app that measures the size of a male’s external reproductive organ.
WAS HE PLAYING CALL OF DUTY? Guess who Syracuse, N.Y., police officer Robert Harrington, 35, ran into? That would be 51-year-old Detective Edward MacBlane. Harrington was responding to a suspicious person complaint, without his vehicle’s siren or emergency lights on, while looking at his computer, when he ran the red light and hit MacBlane’s unmarked car.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 The huge zit between your eyebrows will earn you the nickname “The North Star”.
Aries: March 21 - April 19 Your cat will decide to use your bowl of Rice Krispies as his litter box.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 While consuming a large pizza and a pint of ice cream, you’ll get around to reading about the workout and weightloss plan you ordered.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20 Damn the luck! Your ass will decide to delete the 650 photos saved on your cell phone.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20 Thanks to Dropcam you’ll learn that your roommate licks all of the flavoring off of the Doritos and puts them back in the bag.
Gemini: May 21 - June 21 After buying some noise-canceling headphones you’ll discover that they work all too well when your mom walks in on you jacking off to porn.
Cancer: June 22 - July 22 You are so desperately lonely that you’ll beg the telemarketer not to hang up on you.
Leo: July 23 - August 22 Apparently mentioning out loud that you would like to “stick it to her” in your sales contest will earn you a trip to HR.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22 Somehow, some way financial success remains out of your grasp on that new mustache-ride business.
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