Blitz September 2014 by Blitz Weekly

MISUNDERSTOOD CONTROLLING GENIUS CRAZY GREEDY

WE ALL THINK WE KNOW

JERRY JONES

…BUT THE TRUTH IS WE DON’T HOW THE CFP WILL RULE YOUR LIFE LEARN THE RULES NOW GUY CODE’S ANDREW SCHULZ IS A BRILLIANT IDIOT

We Contemplate the Women We Can’t Live Without + Scarlett Johansson + Beyoncé + Lucy Hale

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SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

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2014

SE PTE MBE R

Blitz

INTELLIGENCE

5 Chin Up Mayweather Floyd has to dodge more than punches to remain number 1. 6 The Redemption of Jerry Jones Love him, hate him, or really hate him Jerry just wants to win. 8 Year 1 College Football has changed. Are you ready for that? 10 Ronda’s World Ronda Rousey’s only competition may not even be of the same gender. 14 Women We Can’t Live Without The Best of The Best. 16 Inside Andy Andy Schulz is as irreverent as ever.

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Craig Patterson Features Director Amber LaFrance Copy Chief Mark Miller Creative Director Jette Stephens Cover Design Jette Stephens Photo Editor Darryl Briggs

Staff Photographers Dominic Ceraldi, Steven Hendrix, Michael Kolch, Rick Leal, Sandy McAnally Staff Writers Peter Gerstenzang, Ethan Harmon, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Amber LaFrance, Lance LeVan Will Martin, Mark Miller Contributing Photographers/Artists: Zennie Abraham, Steven Doyle, Pedro Gaytan, Lies Thru A Lens Contributing Writers: Arthur Bellfield, Steven Doyle, Andrew J. Hewett, Kendrick Johnson, Zach Walker

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CHIN UP MAYWEATHER OR THE CROWN

SLIPS

With every day that passes, Floyd “Money” Mayweather inches closer to retirement. Can he remain perfect until then?

BY KENDRICK JOHNSON – @KENDRICKJOHNSO On Sept. 13, 11-time world champion Floyd “Money” Mayweather will give fans all around the world what they want to see.

for-pound champion. I was close to ending his reign last time. On Sept. 13, he will not get away undefeated.”

To see him go head to head one more time with Marcos “El Chino” Maidana after their thrilling first fight last May left sports fans clamoring for more. Thanks to Mayweather in September, we will have “MAYHEM: Mayweather vs. Maidana II,” with Mayweather’s welterweight world championships on the line.

Maidana’s chance to redeem himself and earn a victory against the undefeated champion will again take place in the storied MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas, live on Showtime PPV. The event will start at 8 p.m., instead of the usual 9 p.m. kick-off.

“The reason I chose Maidana for a rematch is because of the fans,” Mayweather said at the Los Angeles stop on the media tour. “The bar is set so high for me, the fans expect so much out of me.” Back in May, Mayweather was in a rough-ntumble affair where many ringside observers, including me, had it scored 3-3 after six rounds and he was cut by a head-butt in the fourth round. Using his typical animalistic style, Maidana attacked Mayweather with punches from all angles and by the end of the night, had landed more punches on Mayweather than any other opponent Mayweather faced throughout his undefeated career. Like he has done his whole career, Mayweather adjusted to Maidana’s style and was able to find his rhythm and use his expert technique to keep Maidana’s aggression from getting the best of him. The adjustments showed the world why Mayweather is the best boxing savant to step in the ring by taking a majority decision victory (114-114, 117-111, and 116-112) to go to 46-0. “The rematch with Mayweather is the only fight that really motivates me,” Maidana said. “I feel I earned it in the ring and Floyd owed it to me. I’ve already proved that I don’t care if the man I have in front of me is the best pound-

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“It is to improve the customer experience,” Showtime Sports head Stephen Espinoza said. “This exciting rematch will serve to test the skill and will of both men and finish what was started last May.” Despite all the attention and built up animosity surrounding the two camps this time around one thing is for certain: If Maidana tries to make the fight a brawl or MMA type match like he did the first time, the undefeated Mayweather will be well prepared to deal with him. “I think that every time that Maidana has gone out and fought opponents, other opponents and even myself, he’s done the same thing,” Mayweather said after a recent workout. “Whereas out of the 45 that I’ve faced, I was able to do different things. I can box. I can counter punch. I can box on the move. I can counter punch on the move. The only way that he can fight is to slug.” Kendrick Johnson writes for a daily newspaper and is an independent print journalist and sports television reporter who has covered the NBA Finals, NFL, NCAA football, MLB, NHL, championship boxing and UFC Fights. He’s done numerous interviews with some of the biggest names and personalities in sports. He can be reached at kendrick_e_johnson@ yahoo.com or on Twitter @kendrickjohnso. WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

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THE

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REDEMPTION OF JERRY JONES BY ZACH WALKER – @ZACHWALKERDB7

Bills. The tandem proved it wasn’t a flash in the pan, by winning the Super Bowl the following season, once again, over the Bills. The Landry days were then, long gone.

NARROWED DOWN FROM 500

here are two types of Dallas Cowboys fans, those who aren’t bothered by Jerry Jones, and those who would rather floss with barbed wire than hear him verbally pamper the Cowboys into headline news. There’s no doubt that the biggest Cowboys fan is Jerry Jones, because Jerry doesn’t see a half-full glass for this season, because I believe Jerry would say, “No one’s taken a drink yet,” and I agree, fake-Jerry Jones in my head. But the reality is that the defense hasn’t got a single proven player on it, it’s all players with something to prove or a stigma to break, and General Manager Jerry Jones is the bulls-eye for everyone to chunk darts at if this team crumbles. But Jerry Jones has changed the way he’s putting players on the field over the last few seasons, a different type of player. Jones’ players are going to have to take a page from his book, and change the hearts and minds of Cowboys fans everywhere, and have people believing that this season will be different.

STARTING OFF TOO STRONG… Jerry Jones bought the Cowboys in 1989, and shortly after the acquisition, he fired Tom Landry, even though it wasn’t really a task that he had to undergo, but Jerry Jones seemingly wanted to usher in a new era for the Dallas Cowboys. But when a legend, and the franchises only coach is tossed, no matter how he was removed, is going to rub people the wrong way. Jerry made no fans by getting rid of Landry, but Landry had moved on from on field success and winning had passed him by. And bringing in a hot-shot college coach Jimmy Johnson, when at that time, college coaches hadn’t ever fared well in the transition into the NFL, and also having personal ties to Jerry Jones maybe made fans uneasy about their new power pair. Fans weren’t stewing about Landry for long, because four seasons in, Jones and Johnson turned picks into players, and players into legends by winning Super Bowl 27, in a landslide 52 to 17 victory over the Buffalo SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

But the brilliant tandem of Jones and Johnson wasn’t set in stone, and perhaps just as they were unlocking what their team could become, the two spilt and went their separate ways. It was a clashing of egos, a strained butting of heads, and Jimmy Johnson took his team building talents back to Miami, this time to coach the Dolphins. It’s a generally held belief that it was Jerry’s “meddling” that led to Johnson taking a walk, but the facts are that Jimmy Johnson had never stayed at a single head coaching position for more than four years, and for him, it was time to move on. But that’s below the surface information, on the surface, it appeared that Jerry had scared away his meal ticket. Pulling Barry Switzer out of retirement, or a coaching hiatus, didn’t sit well, even though the Cowboys were just months removed from winning a second Super Bowl. But the words of Jerry Jones would hold water,” I think there are five hundred [coaches] who could have coached this team to a Super Bowl.” After a defeat in the NFC Championship game in 1994, the Cowboys would make it to Super Bowl 30, and win 27 to 17 over the Pittsburgh Steelers. Point, Jerry Jones.

A DOWNWARD SPIRAL The Cowboys would only win two playoff games after Super Bowl 30, but between those two victories would be unbelievable moments. Those 90’s Cowboys were excess, they embodied it on and off the field. Someone could write a book about those Cowboys, and thankfully Jeff Pearlman’s “Boys Will Be Boys” is just that, a telling of the best band of functioning addicts in NFL history. But shouldn’t the GM put a foot down, and put an end to his players shining a negative light on his franchise? Nate Newton and Michael Irvin separate run-ins the law for drugs, Erik Williams’ car crash which cost Canton a Hall of Famer, the death of Mark Tuinei in 1999, Dwayne Goodrich’s manslaughter arrest in 2003. The discipline was no-where to be even reached. Following the Dave Campo era, which was three straight 5-11 seasons, and a time period in which saw the dismantling of the triplets, by every way possible, redemption for the whole franchise was needed. Jerry brought in Bill Parcells, and he brought, if anything, discipline back to Dallas, but even he couldn’t do better than second in the NFC East and lost both playoff games he coached the team to. Wade Phillips was brought in following Parcells, to sort of liven the place up a bit after four years of discipline. Wade was a great defensive coordinator, but left much to be desired in terms of fiery style, but it brought the wins, and Wade’s .607 win percentage is the best since Switzer. But Wade’s loose leash soon backfired, and in a Sunday night shambolic ass-kicking

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versus the Packers, Wade lost the team and his job. Operating with Jon Kitna, due to Romo’s broken collarbone, Jason Garrett salvaged the season and led the Cowboys to 5-3 record in the final eight games to reach a 6-10 record, and that sort of turnaround earned Garrett a turn at the wheel.

THE RED ONE COMETH Garrett’s tenure hasn’t yielded results on the field, a perfect 24-24 record as full time head coach, with each season ending at the hands of a divisional opponent, but the pieces that he has put in place through the draft, that’s where, I believe Jerry Jones will keep him around. The reason that it’s taken so long to get back to the playoffs on a consistent basis is because of misses in the draft. DeMarcus Ware, home run but pair that pick with the average-at-best Marcus Spears and it’s a push, though that 2005 draft was good. But if you miss on an entire draft, even during that year, it resonates, and that 2009 draft by the Dallas Cowboys, might be a top-5 worst draft classes in NFL history. Not getting a single, even serviceable player, that sets the team back a full season, and I believe not getting anything out of that draft is still hurting the Cowboys today. But Jerry’s guy, Jason Garrett and his staff are pushing for a different type of player, solid leader-types. “The right type of guys,” is essential for building a good team, and with Garrett, putting cornerstone pieces on this roster is what he’s done. Tyron Smith is now a top-2 jersey player on this team, and I still believe is underpaid. Travis Frederick is making the front office guys and Jerry Jones feel very smart for his pick and his play. But then there’s Morris Claiborne, who shouldn’t be given up on by fans, but the stamp is dripping with ink to label him a bust, because injuries are just compounding upon him, but he was a unanimous top cornerback in his draft. And now it seems that fans want to attack Jerry Jones for being now too money conscious, especially when taking about his cutting of DeMarcus Ware. Yes, Ware had earned his money, and he didn’t have to take a pay cut because of what he had done in the past, but he wasn’t a fit for what the Cowboys were trying to become, and that’s a 4-3 defense. But I believe his short dealings with Ware were a compound result of past burnings by contracts. Jerry has thrown money at players before, the mega money to Ken Hamlin springs immediately to mind, but the turned blade was Jay Ratliff. 18 million dollars in guaranteed money, on a contract that didn’t need to be made. Then he got banged up and missed ten games, no news there, players get injured. But that’s just the surface, underneath, there’s an altercation in the locker room between Ratliff and Jones, then there’s the DWI that he got, would be less of a big deal, if not for less than two months ago, Josh Brent’s

SEPTEMBER 2014

involuntary manslaughter, now that’s just being stupid. But the cherry on top, was the fact that the Cowboys cut him because of injury, and he signed a week later with Chicago Bears after being medically cleared. That’s a major middle finger to Jerry Jones’ face, who is seeking a chunk of the money paid to Ratliff back.

THOSE 90s

COWBOYS

WERE EXCESS. THEY EMBODIED IT ON AND OFF THE

Jerry Jones has burned himself with bad contracts, bad drafts, and will probably get under your skin at least once, but I think with Garrett building the right sort of team, Stephen quietly making more moves, and him handing out less big money contracts after the Ratliff deal, I think year 25 and beyond for Jerry Jones will be smoother. He’s an old dog, but he’s learned the new tricks necessary to keep the ball rolling in the Cowboys favor. He’s spent time working out the draft process, so now, there are no more excuses. But I know that the big money, franchise sinking contracts that favor the elderly players of yesteryear are over, pay them young and get the years’ worth out of them, then when they’re 33-ish, see what value they have left. Nothing is impossible for Jerry Jones, and if he continues to surround himself with people who want success for the Dallas Cowboys, he and the team might be redeemed.

Darryl Briggs

FIELD.

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YEAR As the era of the College Football Playoff system kicks off, we want to make sure that you can navigate the terrain BY WILL MARTIN – MRWILL316@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

rom 1998 to 2014, the nation’s best college football team was determined by placing value on a slew of bowl games along with a championship game between the two bestranked teams at a site rotated between four Bowl Championship Series Bowl sites. Now, those of you who have spent year after year beseeching the powers that be to devise a true playoff system finally have your wish. In essence whosoever shall be deemed the top four teams in the country shall meet in a semifinal format with the No. 1 seed facing No. 4 and No. 2 battling No.. 3. The winners will meet at AT&T Stadium for a national title game to determine the national champion.

Playoffs…Playoffs? Playoffs! There will be a 13-person committee that shall rank the top 25 teams in college football starting at midseason and then determine the top four at season’s end. We all know how long and arduous the whole process can be of knocking out 34 bowl games in two-and-a-half weeks.

Hosting Rotational Parties What if I were to tell you that the feature spots of the semifinal games were to be played on a rotational basis New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day? Those you have long known such as the Cotton, Peach, Rose, Sugar, Fiesta, or Orange Bowls will now be the sites of these determining matchups. SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

This year’s semifinals shall be in Pasadena, Calif. (Rose). and New Orleans (Sugar) on New Year’s Day before the Jan. 12, 2015 national championship in Arlington. Each year the four-team seedings and matches shall switch off amongst the bowls mentioned to end or welcome a new year. The national championship game shall then be played one week after the semis. Interested parties wanting to host the national championship game can do by submitting a bid. After Arlington in 2015, Glendale, Ariz. will host the 2016 game followed by Tampa, Fla. in 2017. In keeping with the rotation for each year’s semifinal hosts think the Rose and Sugar, Orange and Cotton, then Fiesta and Peach Bowls. Of interest now with this new tradition, each of these games shall be played within a 36-hour time period in back-to-back-to-back fashion.

Selection Committee Members of the selection committee include former players and former coaches, former administrative directors and student athletes for a duration of three years. The basis for consideration to serve on this board is to exhibit integrity and to not be involved in the college game in any capacity mentioned heretofore. Some of these names you will indeed recognize:

Selection Committee 1. Tyrone Willingham (former coach) 2. Barry Alvarez (Wisconsin athletic director) 3. Archie Manning (former NFL quarterback) 4. Condoleeza Rice (former U.S. Secretary of State) 5. Tom Osborne (former coach/athletic director) 6. Jeff Long (Arkansas athletic director) 7. Pat Haden (USC athletic director) 8. Mike Tranghese (former Big East commissioner) 9. Oliver Luck (West Virginia athletic director) 10. Steve Wieberg (former USA TODAY sportswriter) 11. Dan Radakovich (Clemson athletic director) 12. Lt. Gen. Mike Gould (former Air Force Academy superintendent) 13. Tom Jernstedt (former NCAA executive vice president)

Objectives of the Committee The group of 13 shall meet during the season to track and rank the top 25 teams in the land and ultimately work toward determining the four-team playoff. Members also will decide which teams will play in the bowl games where the semifinal games will not be played.

When Do the Rankings Begin? The selection committee will release its first top 25 ranking Oct. 28. Throughout the season new rankings shall be released until the regular season ends. Once all conference championship

games have concluded the committee will select the semifinal seeds. We will all find out by the good people over at ESPN.

What Will be the Criteria? Conference champions, strength of schedule, win-loss records and head-to-head results, among other factors. You also will not have automatic qualifiers for a team to advance into the Final Four. Imagine if all of your top qualifying teams came from one conference. There is no cap or limit on the number of teams of any conference.

Happy New Year Each Year? Not exactly. Think of this rotation as follows: If the Rose Bowl is one of the hosts for semifinal play then indeed the New Year will begin with the lather of playoff football. Otherwise two out of every three years the elimination games will now take place on New Year’s Eve.

The Price of Determining a Champion ESPN forked out $7.2 billion for the right to cover this tournament of champions. In the event the format stays at four teams in the current 12-year pact that equates to a cost of $200 million per game! That in itself can lead to a lot of hangovers before and after the year has begun.

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A Windfall for the Networks/ Universities?

home game. This could fare well if you’re a No. 4 so to speak.

It is being conjectured that the BCS format for the title game brought home $180 million. The new playoff format is expected to generate in the neighborhood of $600 million. That’s not exactly chump change and a heck of an economic benefit for the host cities of these events. I am already imagining all the headaches for proposed cities to host the championship game.

Okay, But What About a Potential Conflict of Interest? What If We See a Manning or a Luck in These Games?

Is There a Benefit to Using a Selection Committee Compared to Previous Methods? No more computers, no more coaches, no more polls. Good enough, I’d say!

Is There Anything Special About the Title Game We Need to Know? In the BCS period a team in the championship game was required to account for 17,500 tickets. Now for a semifinal game and title match the numbers a school needs to remember for representation are 12,500 and 20,000. Put another way 32,500 seats and you’re set if you get to the Finals.

Will the Rose Bowl’s Luster Be Lost in Non-Title Years? When there is no semifinal in Pasadena you can continue to enjoy the tradition of a Big Ten and Pac-12 matchup on New Year’s Day.

With So Many Games to Monitor in the Course of the Fall, How Does the Committee Track Each Game? Each member of the selection committee will be fitted with iPads and special software to be able to watch any game at any time at their leisure.

Is There a Possibility of ‘Home Field Advantage’ to a Semifinal Game? If you are a team like LSU or USC there’s always that possibility. This is not to say however that a No. 1- seeded team won’t be protected from a

As stated in the rules any committee member who receives compensation from a school or has a family member then that member must remove himself/herself from voting/deliberating on said school.

What Will a Playoff Game Cost Me? Let’s see, if you include traveling expenses and wanting to attend the semifinals ticket pricing will be more costly than the face value amount of $800+ you see for Super Bowl tickets. Invest in a piggy bank and rob the 401K.

Will It Make a Difference Which Conferences Get the Final Nod? The likelihood that teams from the Big Ten, Big 12, or SEC will have the higher visibility when the rankings come out each week is possible. There is however no limit to the number of teams from a conference.

So What Have We Learned About the Fall of the BCS? • An elimination round now exists in college football.

• A selection committee will pick the top 25 teams in the country and seed the playoff. • Six prestigious bowls will take place on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, broadcast by ESPN. • The Rose Bowl and Sugar Bowl will host this year’s semifinals on New Year’s Day. • This year’s national championship game will take place in North Texas. • No more polls, no more computers, no more coaches with pull. Now it’s 13 people who are a part of the process. If you are the kind of person inclined to go out and ring in the New Year the good news is that you can get your bowl game fix on New Year’s Eve before the buzz of forgetfulness kicks in two out of three years. The third year you can plan on awakening to a blitzkrieg of action as your mind tries to focus and sober up. This indeed is a money grab. There will be controversies, there will be interest, there will be excitement and confusion. But in the end there will be a definitive winner to determine a champion in the world of college football. * Committee members who are paid by a school or have any family members paid by a school and/or provide any services to a school can’t vote for that school or help decide what bowl game that school will play in.

The DECIDERS College Football Playoff Committee Members and Their Affiliations Jeff Long – Chairman* Arkansas Barry Alvarez * Wisconsin Lt. Gen. (Ret.) Mike Gould* Air Force Pat Haden* USC Tom Jernstedt Oregon Oliver Luck* West Virginia Archie Manning* Ole Miss Tom Osborne* Nebraska Dan Radakovich* Clemson Condoleezza Rice* Stanford Mike Tranghese St. Michael’s College Steve Wieberg Mizzou Tyrone Willingham Michigan State

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IC EN T H T

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Some athletes come along and you can tell right away there is something different about them. You can tell by watching them compete in their sport that they possess a higher level of skill than most others. Several examples immediately come to mind such as Mike Tyson (boxing), Joe Montana (football), Andre Agassi (tennis), and Nolan Ryan (baseball). The first time I saw any of these athletes, I could instantly tell they were different and destined for greater things. The UFC is no different. Some fighters just stand out, head and shoulders above the rest of the competition. Ronda Rousey, the current reigning women’s bantamweight (135 pounds) champion, is this type of athlete. Let me say for the record, I am not a Ronda Rousey “fan.” She has had 10 professional fights…and she has won all 10 of them. Not only has she won all 10 of them, but she has either submitted her opponent in every fight or finished by KO/TKO. These stats are VERY hard to overlook. She has finished off 100 percent of her opponents. She has won every single one of her matches. Only one of her matches has gone past the first round. In 80 percent of her bouts, she has finished the fight with her staple, the dreaded “arm bar.” She is one of the most focused athlete/fighters I have ever watched. Shortly after she defended her crown for the first time in the UFC, fans started throwing around statements like “Ronda is the greatest fighter of all time” and “Ronda is the best pound-forpound fighter ever.” I laughed when I heard these statements. I laughed because she has only been fighting professionally for a little over three years. Usually, to label someone as the “Greatest of All Time,” that person has to have been competing for quite a while and been at the top of their sport for a large percentage of that time.

PRESENTED BY SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

BY LANCE LEVAN – @LANCELEVAN1

Zennie Abraham But then I started thinking…she has been at the top of the MMA world since Day 1. She has beaten every fighter she has faced. She has never declined a fight or dodged anyone. She always has wanted to fight the best and beaten them all. Just because I am not a fan, that doesn’t mean that she’s not the best. The more I look at it, I couldn’t find a reason to deny her that label. She is proving, day after day, that she has the skills and the staying power to continue to reign for a long time to come. So, do I think Ronda Rousey is the greatest female fighter of all time? So far, yes I do. You cannot argue with her stats nor her performances. Do I think Ronda Rousey is the best pound-for-pound fighter? No I do not. There are several other fighters who are much more dynamic and exciting to watch. She will, without a doubt, go down as one of greatest female fighters of all time and one of the greatest fighters of all time. But no matter how good you are, no matter how awesome you are, there always is, ALWAYS someone better who comes along. The question now is “how long will Ronda’s reign last?” We will have to wait and see. At this time I do not see anyone challenging her throne anytime soon, but you just never really know do you?

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Rosie

Model: Rosie Lies Thru A Lens

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

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BEYO

NCÉ

“I’m crazy and I don’t pretend to be anything else.” – Twitter, 2010

of ink h t e l. mor anima e l p y o l, “Pe s a part selfima a a n a e m a m ty ch, I ed par ardest i h h W m ’ll the clai pro ’m also on you I rs but ing pe k wor know.” 3 r 201 , s eve ew TV N M –

Rihanna

ON HER SEX LIFE WITH JASON SUDEIKIS – DAILY MAIL, 2012

“[MEN] ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE THE ONLY ONES THINKING WITH THEIR GENITALS,”

CYRUS

CAMERON DIAZ

Katy Perry

OLIVIA WILDE

“...most booties that propel girls are usually the bigger booties. I have a little tiny one, but” — she drops a register for gravitas — “it is, nonetheless, juicy” – Harper’s Bazaar, 2010

“Beautiful mind, tortured soul. I do have to figure out why I’m attracted to these broken birds,” on dating bad boys. – Rolling Stone, 2013

“THE MOST ALLURING THING A WOMAN CAN HAVE IS CONFIDENCE.”

MILEY

he following women have a few things in common. Yes, they’re stunningly beautiful and wildly successful in their respective industries. But it’s their guile, charm and razorsharp wit that earns them a special place on our list. These bold, brave women aren’t afraid to stand out or stir the proverbial pot. Their ability to inspire us to chase our dreams while remaining true to ourselves is what resonates so strongly for us.

– COSMOPOLITAN UK, 2011

WOMEN WE CAN’T

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

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SEPTEMBER 2014

“Life is short and you should do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy and enjoy your life...And if you can afford it, why not?” on paying for sex – E! News, 2014

“That audition was so uncomfortable…there were some things that I was so embarrassed to be reading out loud,” on her audition for 50 Shades of Grey – Cosmopolitan, 2014

Lucy Hale

Scarlett Johansson I definitely believe in plastic surgery. I don’t want to be an old hag. There’s no fun in that. –New York Times, 2003

– Radar Magazine, 2008

KIM KARDA SHIAN BY AMBER LAFRANCE – ALAFRANCE@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

“I now think of the Internet as a perverted old man with candy.”

“I picked up an issue of Cosmopolitan the other day that had tips for job interviews, because I was like, ‘I need to get better at interviews.’ The article was basically about how to get someone not to hate you in 20 minutes. Every single thing they told you what not to do, I was like, ‘I do that every day.”

– Interview Magazine, 2010

OLIVIA MUNN

“If Paris Hilton thinks my butt looks gross, I really don’t care. At least I have a butt.”

Sofía Vergara

– Complex Magazine, 2010

Jennifer Lawrence

LIVE WITHOUT

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SEPTEMBER 2014

ANDREW SCHULZ

DOESN’T F*&K WITH BOBCATS BY ARTHUR BELLFIELD – ASKARTHUR@BLITZWEEKLY.COM Andrew Schulz is the type of comedian who comes along once a decade. He’s flawed and honest and doesn’t get caught up in the trappings and stigma of a seasoned New York City comic. He’s just Andrew and right now he’s having the time of his life getting people used to seeing his face – a feat that he accomplishes in a multitude of ways including hosting a stable of shows for MTV. Currently Mr. Schulz can be found on dating show The Hook Up, Guy Code, Guy Court, and Jobs That Don’t Suck. Now add in his busy touring schedule and his own podcast Brilliant Idiots and you have one of the hardest working comics in the country – and one of the funniest. The thing that everyone should know about interviewing a comedian is that you have no control over the interview, and they will talk about whatever the hell they want to – why? Because as the late Robin Williams said “comedy is acting out optimism” and who better than one of Twitter’s Top Five Comedians to bless the pages of Blitz and talk about whatever he fancies – with or without optimism. Immediately after a couple of pleasant greetings he asked me have I seen the show Friday Night Lights and went on to tell me how he went to a small public high school where his coach was the husband of his social studies teacher and was amazed at how they didn’t have enough money for a guys and a girls basketball team and they had to rent out a gym to play and their home games weren’t even at home. They didn’t have an offensive coordinator with an Andy Reid mustache “That was impressive to see!” This reminded me of a bit from his stand-up where he stated that growing up in New York City doesn’t prepare you for certain things – like going to Iowa.

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Blitz: I think the worst is on Valentine’s Day when one of your male friends is texting you ‘how’s your Valentine’s Day?’ I don’t even know why someone would do that, unless its sarcastic. I don’t even think I wish my mom happy Valentine’s Day. Blitz: If they made a Celebrity Guy Court which celebrity would you not defend? Everyone is gonna say Drake, so I’m trying to think of another celebrity I couldn’t defend….Prince William. You’re bald, give up. Stop trying not to be bald; just shave it and you’re good to go. That shit just pisses me off, just get the hard plugs or something like that or just own it. Stop trying to trick. That’s breaking guy code when you’re trying to trick everybody into thinking you have hair with a combover or whatever but you’re a fucking king. You don’t need hair. Stop trying to look so distinguished. Blitz: He doesn’t want to give up the hair dream, that’s why he’s still trying to rock it. I don’t know man. If I were a king you couldn’t even put me in a suit. I would be wearing pj’s all day and flip flops, I wouldn’t give a fuck because you couldn’t get fired from being a king. It’s like a Supreme Court justice...except you’re just born into it. There’s nothing they could do. You could kill someone and still be king. They don’t take that shit away. Blitz: These days it’s kinda of boring being king. It’s not like Game of Thrones but if you look at history they were killing wives and raping people but now they do nothing but play golf.

Schulz then relaxes a bit and thinks back and said, “Texas is a little bit easier because there isn’t as many animals all around. When I was in Dallas it just reminded me of the city.”

I wonder if they sit around and think about that: Oh the good old days when we used to kill bitches and rape them. It’s boring and shit but whatever they’re still kings at the end of the day. He went to school with a friend at Saint Andrews and he tried to put his hand down her pants and she stopped him. I was like ‘are you out of your fucking mind?’

I then reminded him that we have wild animals here like bobcats and possums which are bigger than cats.

Blitz: I would have let him.

“I don’t fuck with possums,” he replied. “And, I don’t know anything about bobcats. I hear people talk about it, but even to this day I just block it out. I just don’t think it’s a real thing – as long as I can’t imagine what it looks like – it doesn’t exist!”

Exactly! I would have let him in a second. You have like student loans now, just think about that. He’s the fucking prince of England and you owe money to Sallie Mae – put that in perspective. Let your fucking dignity go!

With that said I knew this would be an interesting interview.

Blitz: That reminds me. I was watching your podcast Brilliant Idiots and you were telling a story about how you were with a girl and you thought you were sleeping with a transsexual.

“It was an eye-opening experience dude, very eye opening,” he responds.

Blitz: I know that’s right as long as I don’t know what it looks like it can’t mess with me, I say. Exactly! I absolutely believe that. It’s like if you’re in a bad fucking neighborhood and you’re some dopey tourist no one is gonna mess with you. They’re gonna be like ‘oh he’s innocent. He doesn’t know any better.’ But, if you’re walking around looking nervous like you’re gonna get robbed then you’re gonna get robbed. Blitz: Right, because the people in the neighborhood are going to be like he’s not from around here, he doesn’t look comfortable – let’s mess with him. He’s uncomfortable but when you have some dumb tourist walking around in klogs and shit it’s like fuck it, let’s fuck with him. They’re not gonna rob him because they’re gonna be like what are we gonna do with Euros. Blitz: What is the biggest Guy Code violation that he keeps seeing repeated? Oh God there are so many. Let me think of one that I violate as well...I think the way I text my girlfriend is just a violation. First off my girlfriend is in my phone as Sugarplum Princess Fairytale – it’s just a huge violation. And, constantly the way you text your girl. I’ve been with my girl for years, but a lot of texting your girlfriend is reassurance. You know what I mean? Blitz: Exactly. That’s why we text our girls different from the way we text our boys. I don’t need to reassure my buddy that me and him are still friends. I don’t need to text my boys like ‘I’m thinking about you dog!’ Blitz: My thing is that I don’t think guys should be texting each other period unless it’s something like “I’m going to be at the bar at 3 o’clock. I’ll be there.” Or unless there’s a strong philosophical disagreement. Like we need to have a disagreement on sports, we need to have a disagreement on life or culture or something like that. I’ll get into a long conversation with the guys about something like that, but it’s never like ‘so bro how is your day?’ SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

You know that line that girls got in between their butt cheeks that if you pull open their butt cheeks that little line, it’s a natural line that I thought was a scare? Blitz: It’s stuff like that that you can’t make up, that’s reality. That was frightening bro, because I did it. There’s no coming back from that. It is what it is. It’s not like you’re gonna kill yourself or something because it’s too late you’re already in there. Blitz: It’s like Charlamagne (Brilliant Idiots co-host) said you should finish and you ask questions later. He cut me off but that’s exactly what I was thinking at the moment, which made me question a lot about me, you know what I mean? Because I care more about that nut than the truth. Blitz: I learned a long time ago that when it comes to the kink factor you don’t care about how the chick looks as long as she’s into that kinky thing you like, you’ll still hit it. You might not tell anybody about it but you’ll still hit it. There are so many reasons why we’ll have sex with a girl. Put it this way, we’ll have sex with any girl. We just might not have sex with her again. That’s what it really comes down to. That’s when girls have game. If they can get us to fuck them again then they must have something special. Once, that’s nothing. I’ll fuck a homeless lady once just to see what it’s like. Blitz: I do want to ask you about your stand-up a bit. What moment made you want to get on stage and do stand up? “Funny on Command” I call it. That’s the difference. A lot of people are funny, but being funny on command is what makes it hard. I’ve always loved stand-up ever since I was a kid. I was managing a restaurant in California while I was going to school and they had a comedy night and they asked me to try it. I was like ‘fuck it let’s go!’ I tried it out. I think I did OK my first night. And I think I bombed pretty bad my second night. But, I kept at it. I keep grinding. I love stand-up. That’s why I do all of this to be honest.

SEPTEMBER 2014

REASONS

BY PETER GERSTENZANG – PZANG7@OPTONLINE.NET

udging from the e-mails I’ve received regarding this column, it’s come to my attention that some readers find my outlook excessively sarcastic, lowbrow and just plain mean. And that’s the fan mail! I can’t reveal much regarding the negative suggestions. Except to say, I like gerbils, just not in that way. Regardless, I’ve decided this piece will concentrate on the positive things happening in rock. It’s taken me much of the decade, but I’ve found a few. Although I hear Creed is recording a new album. Which should set the record industry hurtling back to the Han Dynasty. Still, here’s the nice stuff. 1. No rumors there will be a Hootie and the Blowfish reunion. And you thought there were no concrete reasons why the Dow was so high.

The Singer Porsche 911 Indonesia is ready for its solo

BY C.CRAIG PATTERSON – CPATTERSON@BLITZWEEKLY.COM

ots of people have called the Singer 911s “Frankencars” because of their piecing together of different models to get a desired experience. I see it to be more refined than that. Symphonic even. After all, we are not sitting out back with beer in hand reminiscing about when a friend of ours threw a supercharger in our car behind a shed. We are discussing the revival of a 20-year-old 964 model Porsche. Just as a variety of instruments are needed to produce the overture of Mozart’s Opera 7, former Rockn-Roller Rob Dickinson and the engineers at Singer meticulously orchestrate the right blend of harmony on the road. That is the 911 Indonesia – a powerful coupe encased in a dark grey exterior with fire

engine red inlays and crafted around supple Recaro seats. The Indonesia’s maestro is a 3.6-liter flat-six that makes music fine enough for the Performing Arts Center, a 6-speed manual transmission worthy of its German heritage, an overhauled chassis, and premium suspension. Dickinson has optimized every corner of this vehicle and when that much concentrated thought is poured into it a car ceases to be a car and becomes something else entirely; something greater than just the sum of its parts. What that is varies from person to person, but for me the Indonesia has a little bit of the soul of the builder between the wheels. And if you just listen close enough you can hear Mozart scream. We’re not saying that there aren’t other cars out there worth the $350,000 that it’ll take to park the Indonesia in your garage. We’re just asking why would you want them?

TO BE CHEERFUL

MASTERCLASS

HIGH NOTE

“

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2. Nashville Outlaws: A Tribute To Motley Crue: Yes, this does sound like the worst Pu Pu platter since Pat Boone sang Heavy Metal. But there’s a bright side here. This album is like having your appendix out or getting a prefrontal lobotomy. It can only happen once. 3. Pearl Jam is re-releasing its entire catalog. With one major change. The group is going to turn the tapes around. Meaning Eddie Vedder won’t be singing backwards anymore. Unfortunately, his lyrics are worse when understood. 4. Lindsay Lohan is so busy not making movies that she’s also not making records. 5. Congress lately has vetoed virtually everything. However, without even considering it, that also includes drum solos. It’s now illegal to perform one.

7. Kanye West hasn’t done anything obnoxious in months. I’ve changed my mind. Babies are wonderful. 8. Courtney Love says she blew $27 million bucks in the last few years. The good news is, she’s giving household budget tips to Iggy Azalea. That’ll fix her. 9. The Stones will be touring again soon. But tickets will be affordable. That’s what happens when you’re sponsored by Metamucil. 10. Madonna is no longer playing guitar onstage. Hey, if you think it’s easy to lip and strum-sync at the same time, you try it. 11. To thank those Outlaws for doing their songs, Motley Crue is going out soon and playing nothing but country songs. But all shows are down South. Expect the entire band to be shot to death during the first number. 12. Bruce Springsteen will be singing like a regular Jersey guy on his next record. Explanation? He’s completely sworn off watching Yosemite Sam cartoons. 13. Don’t ask me how, but I’ve gotten possession of Michael Jackson’s nose. Ebay, I’ll take that in stock thank you. 14. Due to an executive action by President Obama, there will be no more, That’s What I Call Music albums. Wait, Congress vetoed it. Mitch McConnell and 17 others have just been indicted. There’s just so much Americans can take.

6. Kid Rock just became a grandfather. Retirement is close behind.

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SEPTEMBER 2014

WELCOME TO THE CLUB

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Stephan Pyles Steven Doyle

Rookie Food and Beverage Establishments Making a Name for Themselves

DALLAS BY STEVEN DOYLE – WWW.CRAVEDFW.COM

he Dallas dining and drinking scene continues to grow at rampant rates with no end in sight and as the new spots take their place in our weekly rotation we all come out as winners. This month we want to highlight some of these better places and welcome them to the neighborhood. In the list that follows you will be able to savor the finest in food and libations. Make a date with your favorite person and be sure to nab reservations as these places open just a few short months or less already are overflowing:

San Salvaje 2100 Ross 214-922-9922 sansalvaje.com Take flight to the Central and South Americas at Stephan Pyles’ latest restaurant where you can enjoy the results of his years of travels and tastes south of the United States. The name San Salvaje means “wild saint” which could definitely describe Pyles, who has been a relevant patron saint of dining in Dallas for so many years, and has kept his concepts fresh and inviting. Pyles literally has written the book on tamales and also has a few choice versions on the San Salvaje menu. Some are filled with wild mushrooms, others with lobster or wild boar. All are very delicious. You will find these listed in the same section as the crispy squid tacos which can be found next to the cabrito or smoked duck tacos. Those tortillas are stone ground and rolled out in house and worth the price of admission alone. Heavenly. SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Stock and Barrel

Scotch and Sausage

316 Davis Street 214-888-0150 stockandbarreldallas.com

2808 Oak Lawn 469-802-6753 scotchandsausage.com

Located on Davis Street on the cusp of the Bishop Arts District, Stock and Barrel is owned and cheffed by Jon Stevens who has been part of the Dallas dining scene for some years now.

Imagine all the scotch and sausages you could ever desire. Try more than 20 handmade sausages featuring beef, chicken, venison, quail, antelope and more. All sausages are priced $8 and below. They are an all-natural, small batch production with no by-products.

Stevens told us recently, “65 to 70 percent of the menu is based on the wood fire grill. We also have this rotisserie that we will be using more,” he said. “But a lot of the proteins are coming off the grill, with some sautéed items. A lot of fresh, light salads. A lot of lighter fare in general, pairing with the things coming off the grill. We are doing our own house-smoked bacon. We cold smoke some fish for some different things on the brunch menu.” Look for some terrific items such as the large lump crab fritters which are light and addictive. Also the meatloaf is one of the most popular dishes and is baked then grilled and served with bacon, potato caramelized onion hash and finished with a cream peppercorn sauce. The sauce is a standout.

The Ivy Tavern 5334 Lemmon Avenue 214-559-4424 theivytavern.com Check into this delightful neighborhood watering hole where you will want to be a regular. The friendly staff serves up an interesting mix of clientele which come from several demographics surrounding the bar. The large back patio area will remind you of a late night party at your favorite friend’s house with old wood trees and fun games, along with a cute outdoor bar. The service is quick, and the food is pretty darned good. The burgers are served on Texas toast for a bit of change of scenery, and some damned good wings. Whatever you do, try the now legendary creamed corn with the pimento cheese. The brisket is a hard item to keep in stock. The place also serves some pretty tasty drinks and always has Peticolas Velvet Hammer on tap.

There are just a few other menu items available besides sausages. The Scotch Egg surely is delicious, and made up of a sixminute egg covering of homemade sausage then rolled in corn flake crumbs then fried. The result is a crispy outer layer with a slightly oozing yellow center. This definitely will make you smile. Your vegetarian friends also will feel at home with the menu as there are friendly sausages and Scotch Eggs for them as well.

Scotch and Sausage Steven Doyle

Oh, and there are more than 120 whiskeys in the house. Go get ‘em.

TJ’s Seafood Market 6025 Royal Lane 214-691-2369 tjsseafood.com There are but a few real fishmongers in the DFW area, and TJ’s is the mother of them all. Fresh fish is flown in many times daily guaranteeing the ultimate in freshness. Back in August the flagship location at Preston and Forest moved (there also is a smaller version located on Oak Lawn), and reopened at the new location with 80 seats, a giant fresh fish counter loaded with oysters, and massive specimens of sea critters, all at their peak of freshness. You may take home the seafood to cook or grill as you wish, and the store is extremely helpful with instructions even going as far as to offer grilling classes each year at no cost. The real thrill is to sit and dine in, enjoying the long-time family recipes, and the new chef’s creations made up on the fly each day depending on what type of catch he has on hand. The new location has a full service bar with a proud selection of beer, wine and cocktails all ready to pair with your platter of divine seafood.

The Ivy Tavern Steven Doyle

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SEPTEMBER 2014

WATCH THE COWBOYS!

GREAT FOOD - SURLY WAITERS - FULL BAR SERVING UP BBQ PORK RIBS, HONEY GLAZED or bbq CHICKEN, GOLDEN CATFISH, CRAB CAKES, RIB EYE STEAKS, CRAB LEGS, FRIED SHRIMP AND MUCH, MUCH MORE!

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SEPTEMBER 2014

STUPID AND INBREEDING ILLEGAL Hoping to stop women from making the same mistakes over-and-over-and-over-and-over-again, Kentucky has made it illegal for them to marry the same man more than three times. While in Utah, cousins cannot marry each other unless they are at least 65 years old.

Joke: 9 Facts About You Fact 1: You are reading this. Fact 2: You can’t say the letter ‘m’ without touching your lips.

Andrew J. Hewett www.chewednews.com

Fact 3: You just tried it. Fact 4: You’re smiling. Fact 6: You’re smiling or laughing again. Fact 7: You didn’t notice I missed fact 5. Fact 8: You just checked it. Fact 9: You’re smiling again.

SHE MUST BE A REAL STINKER Norma Brewer, a deputy county treasurer in Stillwater County, Mont., had just used a courthouse toilet and walked outside, when it exploded. Pressure buildup was blamed.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22 You’ll get drunk, break up with your girlfriend and send her nude pics. In the morning you’re grandma will call asking you what’s up with the selfies.

Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21 You’ll try skydiving for the first time. The professional that’s attached to you will have a boner the whole way down.

Libra: September 23 - October 22 Your girlfriend will take your prank war way too far by sending a package to you. Upon opening it you will see a dildo and a bottle of lube.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 Your doctor wasn’t kidding when he said “sudden diarrhea may occur” with your new medication. You’ll learn this while walking your dog a mile away from your house.

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 You will finally work up the nerve to talk to the girl you’ve liked. After awkwardly managing to work up a nice conversation, you’ll think everything went well. Until you get home and realize that she stole your wallet.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 Your blind date will show up blind drunk to the restaurant, puke all over the table and leave you there to pay the bill.

THIS MOTHER DIDN’T TALK BACK Chava Stirn, 28, still lived with her mother. Problem was, when the smell from their Brooklyn apartment became stronger than neighbors could stand, 911 was called. And, when police were unable to get a response, the door was broken down …where they found Ms. Stirn living with her mother, Susie Rosenthal; who’d been dead so long the flesh had fallen from her bones.

Pisces: February 19 - March 20 After months of dinners, coffees, drinks, and a few nights together, the girl of your dreams will tell you about the awesome guy she met recently.

Gemini: May 21 - June 21 You’ll spend a weekend rummaging through old jeans and other pants due to being broke and needing cash for ramen noodles.

Aries: March 21 - April 19 You’ll wake up to the sun shining, birds tweeting and police sirens wailing at a drug bust next door.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 After 11 months of being with your girlfriend you’ll learn that she is finally ready to have sex. You’ll discover this by walking in on her and one of your friends.

Taurus: April 20 - May 20 Your boss will inform you that you’re too ugly to meet clients and that you should stay in the office to do paperwork. In other words, you’re a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Leo: July 23 - August 22 Next weekend you’ll spend three hours creating a Wikipedia page of yourself. Three minutes after publishing, it will be deleted due to you being a “Nonnotable person nobody’s ever heard of.”

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SEPTEMBER 2014

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

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SEPTEMBER 2014