Blitz Weekly

The Many Faces of

Samuel L.

Jackson

Mavericks

Last Team Standing First Team Gone

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Pat & Emmitt Smith Carrying Hope With Their Foundation

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Adam Yauch We Say Goodbye To A Beastie Boy

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May 9 - 15, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35 may 9 - 15, 2012

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On Deck

kidd’s next move

A SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Bad Boys Bad Boys 3 Health News: Sleep Apnea 4 The Apparent Demise of the Saints 5 Mavericks Season Recap 6 A Sit Down with Emmitt Smith 7 The BIG LeBonus 8 Rangers Report 8 Cover Story The Samuel Effect 9 Sam...I AM 10-11 BLITZ Entertainment Kerissa 12 Farewell to a Beastie Boy 13 Seven Things in Seven Days 13 Restaurant Review 14 Avengers vs X-Men 14 Hollywood Shuffle 15 On Set: Hottest Co-Stars 15 The Avengers Review 15 A Look Inside the 2012 Ford Focus 16 Gadgets 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 The Answer Guy 18 2-Minute Drill 18

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Graphic Designer Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mateeka Lanee, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith Contributing Photographers Joseph Dowling, Tony Fay, David Fish, Russ Glasson, JD Lasica, Mike Licht, Kate Leth, Ed Yourdo, Blake Zipoy, LINEA, Photo Giddy Contributing Writers Cote Bailey, Arthur Bellfield, Tony Casillas, Jason Fleck, FoR, Ethan Harmon, Collin Herth, Martin Iheke, Maurice, Aeryn Ripley, Brandon Watts, Blake Zipoy

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s the dust settles from the Mavericks being swept away by the Thunder, it’s time for fans to steel themselves against the criticism and look forward to the offseason. Owner Mark Cuban has made it clear that he will be focusing on assembling a better roster.

Over this past year, big changes were made and the same strong team did not return to make a run at the championship. Key players like DeShawn Stevenson, J.J. Barea and Tyson Chandler were replaced with an aging Vince Carter, Delonte West and Lamar Odom.

Cuban has recently said that his roster choices were made with the new collective bargaining agreement in mind. The goal was to keep as much financial flexibility as possible.

But with this season ending too soon, changes are likely on their way.

Overall, the team needs some youth and some of their veterans may be asked to settle for less game time.

Now that the offseason has begun, I wonder if fan favorite Jason Kidd will stay in Dallas next year.

In interviews throughout Kidd’s career he has spoke of finishing his career on his home turf in Oakland. With his impressive record, it seems a bit laughable for to join the Warriors, until now. Over the summer Cuban will probably be working on luring Deron Williams away from Brooklyn, and there are reports that the Warriors have a great interest in Kidd now that he is a free agent.

Kidd ended this year with a personal best 16 points, 8 assists and 7 rebounds in 38 minutes.

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

He has made it known that he would be willing to sign a two-year contract that would carry him through his 20th season in the NBA – but only if the money is right. Chris Mannix of Sports Illustrated tweeted the following: “Hearing Jason Kidd isn’t interested in play for a vets minimum or small exception. If he doesn’t get a mid-level type offer, he’ll quit.”

Even if Cuban Photos Courtesy: Darryl Briggs is able to sign Williams and Kidd is offered the vets minimum or exception, it may still be a good move for Kidd.

He would be the perfect backup to Williams, and the team would be a tough Western Conference opponent with two strong guards.

But then again, Kidd is 39 years old and may be ready and willing to retire.

Either way, he has served the Mavericks and the community well. Just last week Kidd was presented with the 2011-12 NBA Sportsmanship Award for his ethical behavior, fair play and integrity. Seriously, how often do we get the chance to report ridiculously positive news like that? And with his age also comes wisdom. He is able to command the ball, work the defense and take chances that a rookie wouldn’t feel comfortable with. His assists go far beyond the old pick-androll.

I’m sure Cuban recognizes this and will offer a decent yearlong deal to the Hall of Fame point guard, even if it’s a reserve spot. And although a year in the NBA is long for a man pushing 40, the sweet taste of last year’s championship may be enough to push him back onto the court, no matter the paycheck.

Not All Who Wander SavannahMcMillan-Christmas made one of the most memorable NBA cameos of all time. This past weekend at the Lakers / Nuggets game she wandered onto the court in the middle of a possession.

Christmas was arrested and released. She has a past Yay, you’re famous!

So your cellmates with stalking former Nugget will know your name! Kenyon Martin.

Uncle Walter on: The Kentucky Derby

I’d rather Kentucky Fried Chicken. I lose less money and no ugly hats.

Not seeing Eye-To-Eye Mama Kardashian, Kris Jenner, will be spending a bit of time in court. The problem started with a facelift. That’s when a product she markets called “Beautiful Eyes In A Bag” filed suit claiming her surgery hurt their reputation.

Jenner filed suit countering.

“Eye” see this one taking a while to settle.

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May 9 - 15, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35

Health news

Photo Courtesy: Sleep Test

Sleep Apnea and How It Affects You

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Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

By Jason Fleck - jason.fleck@mavs.uta.edu ore than 18 million people suffer from sleep apnea, but 90 percent of people go undiagnosed.

Sleep apnea is defined as a sleep disorder characterized by abnormal pauses in breathing or instances of abnormally low breathing, during sleep. The scary part is that even perfectly healthy people are suffering and in some cases dying due to the damage being done to the body by not sleeping well.

The most at risk category are women and men with neck sizes over fifteen and seventeen inches respectively. African Americans, Hispanics, people over 40, and those who

appliance he uses today. That device is the Herbst mouthpiece, it works by moving the lower jaw forward into a comfortable position which allows the relaxation of the tissues and ensures your tongue doesn’t fall back and block the airway. This allowed Derek to finally sleep through the night. Derek’s brother, Donald died of a major heart attack due complications of sleep apnea. He believes his brother would still be here today if he was given the apparatus. Derek now tells his story to educate others and hopefully cause them to get the help they need, so that they don’t have to suffer. Derek just wants lives to be saved.

have family history of chronic respiratory disorders are also at risk. Going untreated could cause fatigue, difficulty concentrating, memory loss, depression hypertension, heart problems, and strokes.

Now let’s get into the story of Super Bowl XXX champion with the Dallas Cowboys, Derek Kennard. Derek has struggled with sleep apnea, but has found a solution that works for him and now wants to help others to get the same help. When Derek would sleep he would wake up every one and a half to two hours, so he was never able to experience REM sleep, which is a deep sleep where dreaming occurs. Wanting to find a solution he started participating in sleep tests, where he would be wired up from head to toe, but that didn’t cause him to sleep. Next he was put in a room with a TV turned on to something boring, he still couldn’t sleep. Then they tried playing calming ocean noises in the background, but the only affect that had was on Derek’s bladder. He just ended up getting up to use the restroom. All Derek wanted to do was sleep. David Gergen came into Derek’s life and introduced him to the oral

Before the use of the device Derek used to walk around with a fog over his head throughout the day, not allowing him to be as effective as he needed to be. As a school counselor at an alternative school, there were times when he let things go because he didn’t have the energy to deal with them. With the use of this new device, all that has changed.

He now has a lot more energy, which allows him to have a much bigger effect on the children his works with. In his personal life he is also more energized and is always ready to go, which his wife really notices.

Derek believes his hectic football schedule played a huge part in his sleep apnea, joking that anybody would have trouble sleeping if they had to block Reggie White twice a year.

His greatest accomplishments in life are his marriage to his wife Denise, the birth of his three children, and of course his Super Bowl XXX championship. With the addition of the new mouthpiece to his life, he is better able to enjoy watching his son, Devon, play football at USC and is very proud of his upcoming college graduation on May 11th.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35 may 9 - 15, 2012

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Photos Courtesy: defendneworleans.com

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The Saints had a pretty good team last season, finishing with a 13-3 record and making it to the second round of the playoffs. They had their goal set on becoming the first NFL team to play in the Super Bowl that they are hosting at the end of next season. Now… several suspensions later, they are wondering if the franchise will ever be the same again.

Down...on the bayou The Apparent demise of the new orleans saints

By Martin Iheke - miheke@gmail.com a strong and lasting message must be sent that such conduct is totally unacceptable and has no place in the game,” as Goodell continued. Last Wednesday he handed out suspensions to four players: Jonathan Vilma, Anthony Hargrove, Will Smith and former Dallas Cowboy Scott Fujita. Vilma is suspended for the entire 2012 season, Hargrove suspended eight games, Smith suspended four games and Fujita suspended three games according to ESPN.com.

This is no doubt horrible for the Saints. They are not going to have their head coach for an entire season as well as a few key players. Some of their

t has not been a very good offseason for the New Orleans Saints. It was just over two seasons ago when the Saints won Super Bowl XLIV that they were on top of the sports world.

Never at any point in franchise history had they enjoyed so much success in a short period of time. Before the 2006 season, the Saints had only won one playoff game since their inception in 1967. When former Dallas Cowboys assistant coach, Sean Payton, was hired to be the head coach and Drew Brees signed as a free agent to be quarterback, the Saints went from one of the doormats of the NFL to one of the more respected ones. They made the playoffs in four of the last six seasons, winning their division three times and aforementioned Super Bowl. Everything was good and dandy until the “bounty scandal”.

The NFL discovered that several defensive players and coaches where involved in payments made to injure players from other teams during games going back to the 2009 season. Payton knew about all of this and tried to cover it up so the commissioner, Roger Goodell, decided to suspend him for the entire 2012 season and fine the Saints, $500,000, as well as strip them of their second round picks in 2012 and 2013. Gregg Williams, the former defensive coordinator, is suspended indefinitely and may be punished more because of allegations of conducting similar bounty systems when he was the head coach of the Buffalo Bills and defensive coordinator of the Washington Redskins. General Manager, Mickey Loomis, is suspended without pay for the first six games of the 2012 season. This is all according to NFL.com.

“We are all accountable and responsible for player health and safety and the integrity of the game,” said Goodell according to NFL.com.

“When there is targeting of players for injury and cash rewards over a three-year period, the involvement of the coaching staff, and three years of denials and willful disrespect of the rules,

assistant coaches will not be there for most of the season too. This could be too much to overcome.

What about Drew Brees? He will be a free agent after the season if he and the Saints cannot work out a long-term contract. It is probably good on Brees’ part not to sign right now knowing the current state of the Saints. The franchise is a mess from top to bottom and with so many distractions going into next season it will be hard for the team to be able to compete at a high level. Let us not forget the city of New Orleans will be hosting Super Bowl XLVII in February so that is another potential distraction.

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Send Your Nomination to: info@blitzweekly.com Subject Line: Dallas’ Sexiest Bartender Include: Bartender’s name & bar.

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May 9 - 15, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35 Photo Courtesies: Joseph Dowling & Darryl Briggs

MAVS season recap Will the sacrifice be worth it? time will tell Mavs reformatting their roster The 2012 season for the Dallas Mavericks will either be remembered as the year they decided not to defend their title or the year decided to rebuild on the fly. When the Mavs decided not to resign Tyson Chandler last summer it made it clear that the franchise was heading in a new direction. They realized that within the new salary cap era of the NBA the value of each dollar spent needs to be maximized to its full potential. In this new era you simply cannot overpay role players like they’ve done in the past. Looking around the league at the contending teams you’ll see a pattern emerging on how to configure rosters under this new system. The top teams all have at least three elite players that can create their own shot. While the poster child of this new era will always be the Miami Heat, I’ll argue that the trend of super teams has been building for a while. Teams may not have done it overnight like the Heat but there are many examples of the shift.

Boston teamed up Pierce, Allen, and Garnett together to win a title and the Lakers won multiple titles with Kobe, Bynum, and Gasol. The Heat will most likely win a few with their group and the Thunder has a great nucleus with Durant, Westbrook, and Harden. As you can see, the Mavs are simply trying to keep up with the joneses and who can fault them for trying to stay ahead of the curve. Yes, it was awful to see a wasted year of Dirk’s prime but in the long run if they can land some major pieces in the next few seasons it will absolutely be worth it. However, there are no guarantees in the NBA especially in free agency. Dallas is one of the more attractive destinations in the NBA but by no means is it the top.

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By Geoff Case – @GeoffCase

Who are they going after?

It’s no secret that Dallas has set its sights on Deron Williams this offseason and there is plenty of smoke surrounding the situation that could give Mavs fans some excitement. However, even if they land Williams they won’t become contenders overnight. One would have to assume the master plan involves Dwight Howard in some fashion otherwise they will simply have to wait for an opportunity to land another star.

Mavs free agents The Mavs are going to look much different in 2012-13, and that could mean four new starters around Dirk Nowitzki and a sixth man. Free agents this summer include Jason Kidd, Jason Terry, Delonte West, Ian Mahinmi, Yi Jianlian and Brian Cardinal.

However, the most important signing moving forward is Rick Carlisle.

His contract has expired because Cuban has a rule to not extend coaches until after their contract is up. He has been instrumental in the Mavericks winning a title and I believe he’s one of the top five coaches in the league. While there is no reason to believe that this won’t get worked out it still should be a concern. The two major pieces that are in question are the Jasons.

Jason Kidd says he would welcome another few years in Dallas and would even be willing to step back into a reserve role if the Mavs land Williams so that looks promising.

Kidd needs to start capping his minutes and he’d fit perfectly in a reserve role. Jason Terry on the other hand still has some good basketball left in him will be offered something by another team the Mavericks might not match. “They got a lot of decisions to make.” Terry said. “You see what happened right there, we’re not going back out there with the same look, I’ll tell you that. That’s not it.” While the Mavericks season may be over on the court, the most important games will be played when Mark Cuban and Donnie Nelson step onto the private jet.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35 may 9 - 15, 2012 Photo Courtesy: Tony Fay

D . R . I . V . EO.TNBAL.L

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YOUTH FO

CAMPS

still Running Strong

Emmitt Smith and his wife Pat’s charity knows no bounds

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ony, a two-time Super Bowl champion and College Football Hall-of-Famer, sat down and talked with Cowboys’ icon Emmitt Smith about sacrifice, charity, and of course football.

Talk about the Pat & Emmitt Smith Charities (PESC). I understand your organization has raised over $600,000 for underserved children.

I started Emmitt Smith Charities years ago during my playing days and since I’ve been married to Pat, we have really taken it to the next level.

We provide scholarships and help with financial needs for families who face hardships. Our goal is to give kids the opportunity to not go unnoticed and to have the opportunity to impact our society.

Education is very important to us!

That’s awesome! What is most gratifying about providing opportunities for others?

When I’m out in public, people will come up to me and thank me for changing their lives and giving them the chance to expand their opportunities.

That puts what we’re doing into perspective.

Ok, I know you have your annual golf tournament coming up May 12th at the TPC Craig Ranch. Is it a different theme this year?

This year marks our 20th anniversary of our 1992 Super Bowl Team, so we thought this would be a great time to celebrate the anniversary. A lot of the players from that team will be there: Troy, Michael, and a total of 25 Super Bowl champions.

I know I’m looking forward to it!

Speaking of golf tournaments, how’s your golf game?

Not bad, I’m up and down but I love the game.

When you look back, what do you think was so special about the 1992 Super Bowl Team?

Tony, when I was in high school, my coach would tell us [before our games], “Tonight is a night you will never forget.” That 1992 team was such a big part of our lives, the fans’ lives, and the whole city of Dallas. We as players will never forget what it took to win a championship: the inner workings in the locker room, the sacrifices, the adversity… that’s what we’ll always have as our unforgettable moments of becoming champions. One great

By Tony Casillas - @TCCasillas

thing about being part of championship team is that we may have not seen each other in 20 years, but our memories will pick up right where they started.

What is the biggest difference in the Cowboy teams of the 90’s and the Cowboy team of today?

With our teams, losing was unacceptable. Jimmy Johnson made it ridiculously uncomfortable; finishing second was not acceptable. Obviously the landscape in the NFL has changed; but toughness, discipline, and playing “physical” has not. We embraced it!

LEARN FROM THE PRO’S COACHES

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Space Is Limited. Enroll Today! www.drivenfootball.com

As the NFL all-time leading rusher, what are your thoughts about current Cowboy running backs DeMarco Murray, Felix Jones, and the Cowboy’s 2012 draft picks?

Obviously, DeMarco Murray had an excellent year in 2011 until he got injured. He has great vision and loves to run in between the tackles.

What’s more impressive, he loves to inflict his will onto defenders. The question is: How good will he be coming back from the ankle injury? Felix is more like a scat back; he may not have the toughness that DeMarco possesses. I guess we’ll see how he responds to DeMarco’s success and [if he] steps his game up.

I loved what the Cowboys did in the draft.

Getting a player like Morris Claiborne will help their secondary hold the receivers, so guys like DeMarcus Ware can get to the QB and not give up so many big plays. I still think they need another big time pass-rusher.

Ok, you have all the accolades: Hall of Famer, Super Bowl Champion, MVP and the NFL All-Time Leading Rusher.

But nothing could compare to winning Dancing With The Stars, right?

[Laughing] Well you’re not wearing a helmet so America gets to see your face, emotions, and dance moves. And the show embraces another audience that didn’t know me as a great football player. Fortunately, I have great rhythm and people were able to see that…and my passion.

Television is a powerful source, so I guess my legacy reached another demographic.

You’re a class act thanks for your time!

You’re welcome TC.

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May 9 - 15, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35 Photo Courtesies: Darryl Briggs

Upcoming Schedule: 5/9 @orioles 6:05 p.m.

5/10 @orioles 6:05 p.m.

5/11 angels 7:05 p.m.

5/12 angels 12:05 p.m.

5/13 Angels 7:05 p.m.

5/14 royals 7:05 p.m.

5/15 royals 7:05 p.m.

Rangers Report

road trip nets first losing week of 2012

I The Big LeBonus MLB’s incentives gone wild

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ude, it may be time to pick up the ol’ bat and glove and give this becoming a baseball player thing another shot because these guys are getting paid. Huge contracts that would make Goldman Sachs interns blush are not everything to the MLB player; it’s the incentives and clauses that make the deal worth it and according to Josh Benjamin of bleacherreport.com here are some of baseball’s best…or worst ever depending on your outlook: Driving Mister Saito The Milwaukee Brewers, Takashi Saito, ace added a special little clause in his one-year $3 million contract in December 2010 that the team would provide him with full use of an SUV. This clause makes perfect sense, it’s hard to find an SUV under $3 million.

Weighing His Options In future Hall of Famer Curt Schilling’s final MLB contract the pudgy pitcher was encouraged to shed a few pounds by the Boston Red Sox. The Sox wrote up $2 million in incentives if Schilling made weight throughout the season at periodic weigh-ins at the team’s discretion. In other words, we can weigh you any time we want to, tubby.

Land-ho Kansas City Royals legend George Brett was going through a bit of a rough contract negotiation before his all-star season of 1984. So to win over Brett, Royal’s owner Avron Fogelman decided to throw in a 10 percent ownership stake into a Memphis apartment complex on top of Brett’s already lucrative contract. Checkmate.

By Cote Bailey - comments@blitzweekly.com

Letting It Ride In 2005 when A.J. Burnett signed his deal with the Toronto Blue Jays, the Blue Jays got taken to the proverbial “woodshed.” On top of his five-year $55 million acquisition, the Blue Jays also had to pony up a limo ride from Monkton, Maryland to Toronto eight times a year. After this contract I’m sure the team started scouting more Canadianborn pitchers.

If You Build It… Roy Oswalt was sending batters back to the dugout left and right during the 2005 season for the Houston Astros. So in an effort to keep up Oswalt’s momentum in the NLCS, the Astros’ owner offered to give the mound general a bulldozer, which had been on Roy’s wishlist for a while, if he won. He won and he and the dozer have been inseparable ever since.

With Interest Bobby Bonilla is the recipient of one of the greatest baseball accounting flip-ups in history.

The legendary slugger inked a four-year deal with the Marlins worth $23.3 million. During the contract Bonilla was shipped off to the Mets then eventually placed on waivers. Here’s where things get monumentally stupid. Bonilla had $5.9 million left on his contract and instead of just anteing up the loot then and there the Mets chose to defer the money. Since 2011 the Mets have to shell out $1,193,248.20 from their bottom line every July 1st until 2035 at a whopping eight percent interest. If you put your ear to a Mets cap you can actually hear Bobby Bonilla laughing.

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t was inevitable that the Texas Rangers would finally slow down after a strong April start which is exactly what happened on the road to open the month of May. After leaving home last Sunday at 16-6 and leading the American League through April at 17-6, the Rangers lost two of three games in both Toronto and Cleveland. That put them at 18-10, behind Baltimore (19-9) and Tampa Bay (1910) but still 3.5 games ahead of Oakland in the American League West Division.

Between beating Toronto 4-1 to open the trip and the Indians 5-2 on Saturday night, Texas lost three straight games for the first time since last season.

A major reason why was the absence of third baseman Adrian Beltre (strained left hamstring) and center fielder Josh Hamilton (stiff back) from the starting lineup for parts of the week.

As the designated hitter to open the trip and a pinch-hitter the remainder of the week, Beltre still contributed to both wins with three hits Monday and a three-run, pinch-hit home run in the 11th inning Saturday. It was the team’s first pinch-hit home run in extra innings since 1993 and only the fourth in club history.

Hamilton sat out the Toronto series but was back in his usual spot in Cleveland and had a hit in each weekend game.

They weren’t enough as the Rangers managed just 10 runs in the three games.

“The biggest thing is we’re not hitting as well with guys in scoring position as we have been,” Hamilton told mlb.com. “We’re getting guys on base, we just have to do a better job of getting them in.”

Among the Rangers’ highlights for the week was starting pitcher Yu Darvish. The former Japanese star gave up just one run and four hits while striking out nine in the win over Toronto and yielded three earned runs on six hits while striking out 11 in a Sunday’s 4-2 loss against Cleveland.

Also pitching well was Derek Holland who gave

By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com

up just one earned run on five hits in seven-andone-third innings Saturday. Other starters Neftali Feliz, Matt Harrison and Colby Lewis were not able to pitch like they did in April after giving up four, eight and six runs, respectively.

First duel with Angels upcoming The Rangers conclude their Eastern road trip with the last of four games Wednesday and Thursday at Baltimore. Surprisingly, the Orioles elevated themselves to the best record in the major leagues with Sunday’s 17-inning 9-6 win against Boston.

Texas then returns home to face the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim for the first time in 2012. The Angels entered the week at 12-17 after Albert Pujols finally hit his first home run in his 111th atbat of the season in a 4-3 win over Toronto. The former St. Louis Cardinal has struggled to a .196 batting average while learning a new league.

Center fielder Torii Hunter has been the best overall Angels’ player with four home runs, 14 runs batted in and a .294 batting average. Third baseman Mark Trumbo has four HRs, 12 RBI and a .313 average while designated hitter-first b a s e m a n Kendrys Morales has rebounded from major injuries with a team-leading .318 average.

On the mound, Jeff Weaver is 4-0 with a 1.61 earned run average while former Ranger C.J. Wilson is 4-2, 2.61. Wilson is scheduled to pitch on Friday night.

After the Angels, the Rangers host Kansas City for two games. The Royals entered the week at 9-18 after splitting four games against the Yankees.

Third baseman Mike Moustakas led the Royals in batting average entering the week with at .305. Designated hitter Billy Butler topped the team in home runs with five and RBI with 20.

While the Kansas City starting pitchers have had their problems, new closer Jonathan Broxton has converted five of six save chances and yielded just two earned runs in 10 games.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35 may 9 - 15, 2012

The Sam uel

By Aeryn Ripley

9

Photos Courtesy: LINEA & Photo Giddy

Eff ect

There’s no escaping Samuel L. Jackson. Now the highest grossing film actor in history, Sam has surpassed every actor that you love: Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks, Will Smith, Christian Bale, RDJ, and everyone else. But along the way he has also found his way into every other aspect of your life.

In your iPod Sam’s voice ha s including Cyp been sampled in dozens of ress Hill’s “Mak so “Furious Anger e A Move,” Sh ngs ,” Jackson.” And and Hot Action Cop’s “Samyheim’s Sam also reco uel soundtrack of rd Black Snake M ed music for the oan.

With Mr Jac your kid been imkson is so c o LEGO mortalized ol that he h Windo several time by toymake as Nick F , Jules, and s: as Mace r can plaury. Now ev most recentl y en y with a bad your kids mutha f***a .

r Apple rtphone l spokesperson fo the a m s r u ia On yo f being an officia lso available v a On top o rsing Siri, Sam is amJackson. and endo d Andriod app iS n iPhone a

ff r time o On you cial endorser of etic n offi Sam is a t Greens, a synth pany. s m e o w c th n Sou gree d putting grass an

m At your stadiued his talents to the NFL’s an lo n so ck Sultan to Mr. Ja in 2010 as Rev. Atlanta Falcons on ticket sales. as help improve se

time At bed as special othing to There’s n bedtime stories ckson g Ja in m d a as rea That’s why S book one. the audio f le tt o li e r u ic o o y v Sleep. to be the decided Go The F__k to

In your Bible The talented Mr. Jackso n of God. In 2006 Sam is now the voice laid down his vocals for The Bible Exp eri Testament audio Bible) ence (A New .

And i Samuen your DV badde l L. Jackson D collectio , appea st mofos of one of the n all-time r e d in career , has over 1 actors and worked 00 films in h h of Kev e makes “S with so ma is in n ix y B D aco eg turkey bacon n” look like rees . low-fa t

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May 9 - 15, 2012

Mr. Jackson’s Most Badass Movie Lines

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35

SAM ...I AM: The Evolution of A Bad MoFo

By Collin Herth comments@blitzweekly.com Juice (1992) “Just ‘cause you pour syrup on something don’t make it pancakes.”

It’s hard to imagine what movies would be like without Samuel L. Jackson. The iconic actor has produced more memorable characters than Martin Scorsese and he doesn’t just recite lines; he allows everyone in the audience to feel that character emphatically and completely. Whether Sam is a hitman with a knack for Bible verses, demented police officer, Jedi Master, an archvillain, a samurai, or an Avenger one thing is certain, Sam Jackson is unforgettable. The top grossing film actor of all-time is intriguing. He is unpredictable. He is one bad mother…shut yo mouth…we’re just talking ‘bout Sam.

Jackie Brown (1997) “AK-47. When you absolutely, positively gotta kill every muthaf***a in the room, accept no substitutes.”

Snakes On A Plane (2006) “I have had it with these motherf**king snakes on this mother**king plane!”

A Time to Kill (1996) “Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!”

The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) “See you’re assuming I won’t shoot your sorry a*s…”

Photo Courtesy: Kate Leth

By Vivian Fullerlove - @musbviv

Pulp Fiction (1994) “…with great vengeance and furious anger!”

“Normally, both your a*ses would be dead as f**king fried chicken, but you happen to pull this sh*t while I’m in a transitional period…”

And of course…

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”

D

oes The Avengers live up to the hype?

Absolutely! This movie has taught me some valuable lessons this week: Mark Ruffalo is a better Banner than Edward Norton (which I can’t believe I’m saying because I LOVE Edward Norton), there is no such thing as too many super heroes in one movie, Robert Downey, Jr. did deserve the second and third chances he got to resurrect his career because he simply rocks as Iron Man, there is a time and place for spandex and leather, and most importantly that if there was ever any doubt, rest assured that Samuel L. Jackson really is one bad mother...shut yo mouth! I had the chance to sit down with Mr. Jackson who plays the cooler than cool Nick Fury to talk about the movie and if he really is anything like his on screen persona.

Your character Nick Fury is really expanded in The Avengers, what will folks learn about him that wasn’t brought out before?

Photos Courtesy: McNutt

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In this particular film, we finally find out more about S.H.I.E.L.D through Nick and what his Avengers Initiative actually is that he’s spoken about before. You see a base of operations that’s very different from the little office that you’ve seen him in before in the helicare area and you find out he has some pretty interesting toys to play with and a pretty big organization around him.

Why does he assemble the Avengers?

Loki, who is Thor’s brother has come in from some other dimension somewhere, and he’s gathering forces to invade the earth, and the only means I know of fighting them is to bring in the Avengers.

What makes Nick integral to the film?

He’s the guy who understands the threat and has to get them [the Avengers] to understand the nature of the threat [and] that we’re a lot stronger together than we are individually.

Fury seems to play by his own rules

and lives by his own instincts; is that anything like you in real life?

I’ve bent a few rules in my life. I understand the rules of the world I live in, like we tried to do in this [The Avengers movie] when Joss [director Joss Whedon] set up the standard of what this particular place was. It’s an ordinary world with extraordinary people in it. So, you try and live by and react to situations according to those rules.

Of all the Avengers, Fury seems to have the most contentious relationship with Iron Man. Can you talk a little about the dynamic between those two?

Robert always brings a specific kind of energy that people know, love and understand. It’s interesting watching the integration of his energy with Captain America, his energy with Thor. He has knowledge of Black Widow because she was in his organization for a while. He has affection for her actually. But, he has a sense of autonomy that you kind of have to break though that no matter what he’s doing it always seems like he’s an island, and even though he’s an integral part of this team, you can’t tell him he’s the most important or strongest part of the team, because then he’ll take it over. It’s just in his nature; so, I kind of have to reign him in and constantly remind him that his father and I had this relationship.

You mentioned the film’s director Joss Whedon earlier. What do you feel he brought to the film?

He brings a true understanding of what a

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35 may 9 - 15, 2012

comic book is and what comic book characters represent to the people who want to watch the film. He’s put together a film that he would pay his money to go and see, and that I would pay my money to go and see, and that understanding is quite essential to this particular film because there are so many different characters that have their own individual personalities, and he knows how to set up the conflicts between the characters and how to solve them.

And he knows how to make us all feel like a big unit when we work together.

His dialogue is comic book driven.

I don’t work with a lot of people that correct me when I’m doing my lines and say, “Well, I wrote it this way; so, try it that way, and let me hear it.” But he did that more often than not.

How collaborative was working with Whedon?

Not very. He’s a dictator. He tells you what to do, and you do it. Fortunately for us, Joss has a very clear understanding of what that world is, and how it works. And how these individuals fit in it and how they fit with each other or don’t fit in terms of

11

rubbing each other the wrong way and trying to test each other to gain a measure of respect.

What can audiences expect?

I remember how excited everyone was when we showed up onstage at Comic Con, and we were just standing in our street clothes, and I do think that they want an exciting film, a film that has some complexity. I think they want a conclusion that is extremely heroic, and not just heroic and hopefully, we’ve been able to do that.

And finally, if you had to choose between anyone other than Nick Fury, which Avenger would you be?

Probably the Hulk so I can lose it every now and then, just kind of blow it all out and tear some stuff up and then it’s all ok.

If you are one of the 15 people who have not seen this movie, what the heck are you waiting for? Go see it...today...right now!

It’s just good, old-fashioned movie going fun where you can forget about all the serious stuff going on in the world today and believe in a time when good always conquered evil in the end. The Avengers is rated PG-13 for extreme super hero action!

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35

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See more of Kerissa and others at Blitzweekly.com Model: Kerissa Photo Courtesy: David Fish www.davidfish.com Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Kerissa

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35 may 9 - 15, 2012

13

heaven just got a little cooler

mca of the legendary beastie boys succumbs to cancer

Photos Courtesy:JD Lasica

O

n May 4th at the age of 47, Adam Yauch, one-third of the iconic hip-hop group the Beastie Boys, passed away. Yauch, better known by his stage name MCA, had been battling cancer of the throat since 2009, as he announced following his diagnosis via video on the group’s website.

The Beastie Boys, a trendsetting all-white group of rappers based

Mateeka Laneé - www.mateekalanee.wordpress.com ByBy Mateeka Lanee’ – Mateekalanee.wordpress.com out of the boroughs of New York, have made history with their unique crossbreeding of street, punk, and rock sounds. In April of this year, the group was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, although Yauch was too ill to attend, or to perform at the ceremony. In a show of solidarity that night, members Adam Horovitz (“AdRock”) and Michael Diamond (“Mike D”) refused to perform as well. On the evening of May 6th, HBO re-aired the ceremony,

this time with a special “In Memory of Adam Yauch” message.

Yauch was not only a rapper, but an avid cinematographer as well, and directed many of the Beastie Boys early music videos.

In 2008, he co-founded the production company Oscilloscope Laboratories, which has been responsible for the release of the harrowing Tilda Swinton feature “We Need to Talk About Kevin”, among many other dark, quirky indie films.

While well known for his edgy, gravelly rap voice on songs like “Intergalactic”, “Ch-Check It Out”, and “Sure Shot”, Yauch was equally renowned for his activist work concerning Tibetan civil rights. After attending a speech given by the holy Dalai Lama in the early 1990’s, he converted from his Jewish heritage to the spiritual path toward nirvana, in order to secure personal peace.

Since that time, he contributed to the efforts of such organizations as the International Campaign for Tibet, working to secure the freedom and equality of the Tibetan people under rule of the People’s Republic of China. It was during his activism work that he met his wife, Dechen Wangdu, with whom he had a now-13-year-old daughter.

From the age of 22, when the Beastie Boys released their first album, “Licensed to Ill”, until the time of his last breath, Yauch was an ever-evolving, ever-growing spirit, whose work in music and social welfare will not soon be forgotten.

Photo Courtesies: FoR, Darryl Briggs, Mike Licht, Russ, Glasson, Brandon Watts, Maurice,

WED. 5/9

Extreme midget wrestling House of Blues – Dallas The name says it all.

Anyone could have midget wrestling, but do they have Extreme Midget Wrestling? These little guys are hard &*^%ing core! This is one evening to come up short. 9pm.

thurs.

5/10

Mark Bittman Temple Emanu-El – Dallas The healthiest eater at the New York Times stops in Dallas to give us his lecture entitled “Food Matters: A Guide to Conscious Eating.” Stop by and learn something…it’s free.

7:30pm.

Fri. 5/11

Angels vs. Rangers Rangers Ballpark – Arlington Are they the Los Angeles Angels, California Angels, the Anaheim Angels?

We’ve got it, they are the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim! Either way we’re gonna kick their butt and their Disney movie sucked too. 7pm.

Sat. 5/12

asian festival Main Street Garden – Dallas If you love Asian cuisine and culture make sure to be here this Saturday.

There will be live music, martial arts demos, food and a whole lot of fun.

11am.

Sun. 5/13

mother’s day jazz brunch Strauss Square – Dallas Jazz saxophonist extraordinaire Joseph Vincelli will let your mom know not only that you love her, but that you have a touch of class too and doesn’t mom deserve that? 11am.

mon.

5/14

Sheryl Crow Morton H. Meyerson – Dallas The nine-time Grammy speech reciter will be strumming her guitar for DFW. Get your tickets quick because they will probably be sold out by the end of this sentence.

8pm.

tues.

5/15

rockstar from mars McFaddens – Addison $3 imports and $5 bombs will make your Wednesday morning hangover totally off the hook! Mention Blitz Weekly and get a highfive for the cutest waitress in the place. Guaranteed.

7pm.

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May 9 - 15, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35

agave azul shaken, not stirred - Mexico style

Ever wondered where you could get a really good Mexican martini? I can think of a dozen places right off the bat, but you need to go through customs. For the uninformed, a Mexican martini is similar to a vodka martini, but you use tequila and lime. Think of a really strong margarita on the rocks, but hold the rocks. Now this kind of martini can be tricky. Use cheap tequila or just guess at how you make it, and it is not a pretty picture. Agave Azul Mexican Kitchen and Tequila Sanctuary know what they are doing when it comes to food and tequila.

By Blake Zipoy – bzipoy@hotmail.com

Agave Azul

Two Area Locations www.theagaveazul.com Carrollton (972) 242-4466 Flower Mound (972) 874-1240

ATMOSPHERE There are two locations, one in downtown Carrolton and the other in Flower Mound. Both restaurants have a rustic flair similar to an old plantation. Deep hard woods and stucco are accented by colorful artwork and sculptures by artists across the border.

FOOD First, let me describe the food. I come from San Antonio and one of my complaints is that I cannot find real Mexican food in Dallas. Agave Azul prepares their dishes like they do in the best kitchens across the interior of Mexico. The Seafood Relleno en Chile Ancho is amazing. They take a poblano pepper and stuff it with tilapia and a plethora of other ingredients, then cover it in a smooth cream sauce. The dish is pure flavor with no scalding spice that can become too common with chile releno. The dish comes with chorizo asparagus. If you like asparagus, this is a must order. The two ingredients surprising complement each other with a spicy sweet mixture. My wife ordered the Camarones al Agave, jumbo shrimp sautéed in a spicy tequila sauce. This dish has some kick to it but the spicy does not over-power the flavor of the shrimp.

Either before or after your meal, you must try

Photo Courtesy: Blake Zipoy

the Mexican martini. Agave Azul prides itself on their unique collection of tequilas. Some of the brands in their collection I have never heard of before, and I am a bit of a tequila snob. The main bartenders at both locations have a friendly rivalry about who makes the best. Your best bet is to put yourself in their care to make you their own version. You will get a different version every time, but you will not be disappointed. My wife, who does not even like tequila, had me order her one, and then she was introduced to a woman’s new favorite, the chocolate margarita. All I know is that they swirl rich chocolate in a martini glass with some unbelievably smooth tequila. It is one of those things you have to try to truly understand.

Blitz-worthy I would give Agave Azul a very “happy dude” rating. The food is authentic and reasonably priced. The bartenders are truly artists with their craft. And what is even better is that each time I have visited either location, it is like it is my first visit. Take a trip to the Agave Azul Mexican Kitchen and Tequila Sanctuary. You get all the culinary experience from a trip to Mexico and you don’t even need your passport.

What to eat: The Seafood Rellano en Chile Ancho and Camarones al Agave Who eats there: Mexican foodies, Margarita purists, and those on a Tequila pilgrimage

avengers vs. x-men marvel’s other summer blockbuster

M

arvel is already taking over this summer with the release of The Avengers. The movie is a long-awaited superhero mash-up that moviegoers have been waiting for since witnessing the end of the first Iron Man. It is an exciting event, no doubt, but let me take your eyes away from the silver screen for a moment and put a spotlight on something that you may have been ignoring: comic books. If you are going to check out The Avengers in all of its glory, I suggest that you head to a local comic book store afterward and pick up the other Marvel event of the summer: Avengers vs. X-Men. As you already know, these superheroes spawned from a long line of writers and artists who have poured detail into each character, adding history and personality to the likes of Captain America, Iron Man, and all of the other heroes that we all cherish. Each issue that comes out is an adventure into the character’s psyche, allowing readers to understand the thoughts and actions of these superheroes. Once every year or so, Marvel mixes up the game by creating a massive event that spans all of their comics, encompassing their entire universe.

This event promises to be like no other.

Marvel - just as they have with The Avengers movie - pulled

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By Mateeka Lanee’ –- Mateekalanee.wordpress.com By Ethan Harmon blackstar4556@gmail.com

Photo Courtesy: Marvel Worldwide, Inc.

out its heavy-hitters to deliver the huge comic book event of the summer. Famous comic writers Ed Brubaker, Brian Michael Bendis, Matt Fraction, Jason Aaron, and Jonathan Hickman have been paired with artists John Romita Jr., Oliver Coipel, and Adam Kubert to tip the Marvel Universe on its head. With this dream team at the helm, Avengers vs. X-Men will capture the attention of new and old fans alike.

In this epic, the misunderstood mutants have banded together, unified under the leadership of the optic-blasting Cyclops. Their level-headed leader has placed all of his hope into the “mutant messiah;” a young girl rightfully named Hope. The Avengers, led

by Captain America, have noticed a cosmic level threat headed for Earth, with one target in mind to become its avatar. With Hope being viewed as the new potential avatar for this cosmic force (known as the Phoenix), the Avengers and the X-Men see the mutant in a different light. As you may have guessed, negotiations do not go as planned, as the former allies come to blows.

This event has just recently kicked off. The twelve issue series is only on its third installment, and the two teams have already entered the battlefield. Alliances have been shattered and old friends have become bitter enemies. The story is just getting the wheels greased, for there are more twists and turns around the corner, major plot points have yet to be revealed, and of course, more battles will be fought. The bi-weekly series should be picked up by any Marvel fan (or anyone interested in comics for that matter). Who doesn’t want to see these two teams duke it out?

This is a superhero vs. superhero showdown and everyone is invited to see the carnage. In the end, who will you side with?

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35 may 9 - 15, 2012

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onset- The 3 Hottest Women to be in movies with samuel l. jackson Christina Ricci Black Snake Moan

Eva Mendes The Spirit

Scarlett Johansson Iron Man 2, The Avengers

By Aeryn Ripley– @BlitzWeekly

By Cote Bailey - @BlitzWeekly

Ashton Kutcher – Found out that it’s not so funny to do commercials in brown face. Demi’s ex filmed a spot for Popchips playing a Bollywood producer. Well, it was deemed epically racist and the ad was pulled. Poor Ashton.

Michael Jackson – May be rolling over in his grave after hearing the news that his estate inked a multi-million dollar deal with Pepsi (the same company that torched his head in a botched commercial, which led him to prescription pill dependency). The deal will feature special edition cans, commercials, and song downloads.

Linda Evangelista – Is one of the world’s most expensive baby mamas. The supermodel mother of billionaire fashion CEO Francois-Henri Pinault’s five-yearold son wants $46,000/month.

That would pay for armed guards, 24-hr nannys, a NY apartment for play dates, and a lot of lunchables.

The first Iron Man film not only set the precedent for future Marvel installments, it also teased fans with the idea of a superhero team-up. As more movies poured out of the studio, more teasers were strategically placed within, creating hype around the idea of the Avengers Initiative. Years have passed, anticipation has been building, and it has finally arrived. Marvel has released The Avengers, and let me be one of the many to tell you that it is an incredibly epic movie.

The premise is simple: Loki, an Asgardian god and brother of Thor, has come to Earth in order to enslave man and rule as king. With an alien army and a magic scepter, he plots a scheme to dismantle the forces of our world. It is up to

Earth’s mightiest heroes to band together and put an end to this menace.

The actors go above and beyond to portray the Avengers, giving them more presence on the screen than in their individual movies. Chris Evans works wonders showing Captain growing into a natural leader, while Chris Hemsworth gets to flex his muscles as the intimidating, and surprisingly caring Thor.

Robert Downey, Jr. is back as the Iron Man that we know and love. Newcomers Jeremy Renner (Hawkeye) and Scarlett Johansson (Black Widow) work well as deadly Shield assassins.

And Samuel L. Jackson gets to finally show the world who Nick Fury is and what he stands for. Credit is due for Mark Ruffalo, who takes over as Bruce Banner, otherwise known as The Incredible Hulk. Ruffalo makes the character much more sympathetic than previous incarnations.

Without diminishing the story, Whedon is able to create action sequences that perfectly fit within the film. These scenes are sprinkled throughout the movie, adding drama while also building up to the finale. The ending sequence is one of the best, if not the best, action scenes

By Ethan Harmon blackstar4556@gmail.com that have ever graced superhero films. Every member of the Avengers gets his/her moment to shine during the battle. It is a spectacle to behold.

If you are not going to watch The Avengers, then prepare to miss out on the best superhero movie that has ever hit the silver screen. Joss Whedon has created a fun, unique action/ adventure that will have people talking throughout the summer. The acting is top-tier, the action is mind-blowing, and the one-liners are hilarious. Go see The Avengers immediately!

And don’t forget to stay after the credits!

MovieReview of The AVENGERS

Dallas Polo Club

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May 9 - 15, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35

AuTOReview: 2012 ford focus The Street Rocket

Photo Courtesy: Ford Motor Company

I

’d been waiting for the 2012 Ford Focus for a very long time. Even as Ford was rolling out the red carpet on the last generation Focus compact in 2007 I was waiting for this car.

Heck, my anticipation goes back a decade.

Well, it’s here and in usual Ford fashion Focus arrived in a flurry of product placement as it has been driven on nearly every reality TV show this year.

The new NEW Ford Focus has actually been available in every market around the world except for this one prior to 2012. And Focus critics (myself included) have been constantly asking Ford why they had not yet brought the global Focus to the U.S. yet.

OK, it’s here and arrives in four-door sedan (meh) and five-door hatchback versions. I am a big fan of the hatch model and think it is

By David Goodspeed - dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com

one of the most attractively styled vehicles available right now, from any automaker.

For now, and this will change soon, all Focus models are powered by a totally new 2.0-liter DOHC fourcylinder engine with direct injection for 160hp and 146 lb. ft. of torque. Fuel economy is good at 27-mpg city and 37-mpg highway with the six-speed PowerShift automatic gearbox that our test vehicle saw. (A miserly SFE model can attain up to 40 mpg.)

But oh, that PowerShift transmission and its dual clutch funkiness – everything was going gangbusters until I put the car in gear. Right off I thought the gearbox had been seriously thrashed with adaptive shift logic tuned for Ken Brock, just lacking the guts. After a week with the

automatic I still was not enjoying the experience, in either drive or sport mode, and was wishing they had given me a stick, which by the way is an option.

I also was not too happy the subscription had run out on the SYNC/MyFord Touch satellite radio and Sirius Travel Link infotainment system. I had used this system in other Ford/Lincoln vehicles so was familiar with the technology and most recently happy to see Ford announcing an overhaul to new and existing models.

And while no reflection on Ford itself, my test vehicle did present an unusual odor every once in a while that saw me driving around most of the week with the windows open, which was no problem as we had been enjoying wonderful

Jarre AeroPad Two Let all your friends know exactly how cool you are when they see the four 30W speakers and one 80W subwoofer on your iOS device dock.

Blast your tunes and look fly all at the same time.

Grand Master Flash ain’t got nothing on you. ($919)

Belkin iPhone Shutter Grip If you’re one of the many that find capturing that perfect iPhone pic to be elusive, Belkin just may be your fairy godmother. Their LiveAction Camera Grip for the iPod Touch and iPhone makes your smartdevices work just like a camera. You can also pick up the tripod. ($40)

Magnetic Bike Lights Our pals at Copenhagen Parts have decided to light up our lives. Introducing their magnetic bike lights. These little guys automatically light up when you stick them on your steel framed bike and turn off when you take them off. Nice.

(TBA Fall 2012) Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

weather here in North Texas.

So pushing past the recurring odor, cancelled subscription and cantankerous transmission, do I still like the Focus? Absolutely and positively YES – but I would order mine with a manual.

Pricing for 2012 Ford Focus (sedan) models begins at under 18 grand with our SEL hatchback tester carrying a base MSRP of $21,065. It features Torque Vectoring Control and AdvanceTrac stability control along with a host of airbags and other safety equipment and for those “parking-challenged” individuals the new Focus offers Ford’s Active Park Assist.

And for those not content with the base powertrain output there is the sporty ST model coming as well as the Focus Electric, which we just saw pace the NASCAR Sprint Cup race in Richmond.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35 may 9 - 15, 2012

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?

A: So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What’s the difference between a donut and a hooker?

A: If you buy a donut you can’t eat the f*cking hole.

Q: What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A: Slow down and use some lubricant.

Gone Bowling A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes.

When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.

The next thing he knew it was 3:00 AM. “Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!” The girl gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!” He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.”

“Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. “Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

17

Blitz Funnys

NO RIN-TIN-TIN RERUNS HERE Do you have a dog? Do you worry about “your best buddy” getting bored while you’re away at work? If so, good news. Thanks to Gilad Neumann, chief executive officer of DogTV, for only $4.99 monthly you’ll soon be able to provide your furry four-footer with eight-hours of on-demand cable TV programming. (Cameramen get on their knees to shoot dogs’-eye-views, and music is written and tailored especially for these animals’ hearing.)

“confiscated” April, 13, 2012. What it was, following several months of surveillance, was 13 tons of miniature Eiffel Towers, widely sold by a souvenir shop owner and family at tourist spots, including the Louvre and Eiffel Tower itself ...without a permit.

Police estimate the boutique illegally earned (Euro) 1 million ($1.31 million) each year.

MORE THAN PETAL-TO-THE-MEDAL April 27, 2011 – The Chicago Sun-Times tells of Zachary P. Ramirez, 21, and his urgent need. After running a red light and a stop sign, and accelerating to 111 mph in 45 mph speed zone … he admitted to police he’d been in a hurry to “try to go have sex with a girl he liked.” (Bet she hopes he “slows down,” too.)

MINI-TOWERS EARN MILLION$ Most folks know drug smugglers make millions, but would be surprised to know what contraband Paris Police

Taurus April 20 – May 20 Celebrating your birthday this week will be a momentous occasion for all when you decide to have to it at Baby Dolls.

Leo July 23 – August 22 Unlike your favorite cat “Mr. Whiskers” you do not have nine lives, but you do share the same litter box.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Don’t worry about what tomorrow will bring, just bring a condom the next time you go out drinking.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Your idea for a “jump to conclusions” floor mat will get you fired from your job.

Gemini May 21 – June 21 Your new soul mate will be the best thing to ever happen to you. Note to self: thing…

Virgo August 23 – September 22 You’ll soon be involved in a shotgun wedding and no… you won’t be bringing the shotgun.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 One day you will learn not to run away from your problems. But not today, when your problems are angry Rottweilers.

Cancer June 22 – July 22 You will finally discover why that roll of soft paper hangs by the toilet.

Libra September 23 – October 22 Don’t bother lying to the Addison police next Friday when they pull you over. They already know that the tank was stolen.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Your “coming-of-age” story about the Girl Scouts will be rewarded with a life in prison sentence with no hope of parole.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You will be greatly relieved to learn that the Dallas Zoo newborn chimpanzees in no way look like you.

ACROSS: 1. Ottoman title 6. Vipers 10. Serene 14. Bestow 15. Affaire d’honneur 16. Curved molding 17. Sensible 19. What a person is called 20. Used to boil water 21. Central 22. Porn 23. Reasonable judgment 25. American retailer 26. As a result 30. Slanted font 32. Not western 35. Provide commentary 39. Record protector 40. Scanty 41. Deluge 43. A cowboy movie 44. Whole 46. Feudal worker 47. Fortuneteller’s card

50. Burdened 53. Defeat decisively 54. Not young 55. Discover the location of 60. Ground forces 61. Analgesic 63. Cease 64. Chills and fever 65. Sweetener 66. Rabbit 67. In order to prevent 68. 10 in a decade

Aries March 21 – April 19 That “slow children at play” sign you see while driving doesn’t mean they’re slow you idiot. .

DOWN: 1. Recreational area 2. Away from the wind 3. Thin strip 4. Party thrower 5. Coral island 6. American Dental Association 7. Handover formally 8. Seabird having a large bill 9. Sleigh 10. Sanctify 11. Small terrestrial lizard 12. Bushbaby 13. Encounters 18. Prefix meaning “Modern” 24. Martini ingredient 25. Fathers 26. Exam 27. Angel’s headwear 28. End ___ 29. Mental representation 31. Disabled

33. What’s happening 34. Lease 36. How old we are 37. Small slender gull 38. Sea eagle 42. Cultivated land 43. Married 45. Half-diameter 47. Garbage 48. Heart artery 49. Gossip 51. Antlered animal 52. Clamorous 54. Iridescent gem 56. Hint 57. Aquatic plant 58. Rip 59. Makes a mistake 62. Mesh

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18

May 9 - 15, 2012

Photo Courtesy: Ed Yourdon

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35

The CLOSER

Amsterdam Dutch Amber Lager Brewed by: Amsterdam Brewing Company ABV: 5.00% Straight out of Ontario, this brew (as the name implies) pours a nice amber color with a thick head and quite a bit of lacing. Grainy, malty aromas come through with the hops barely coming through.

It has a sweet malt taste but is sharp, might feel a bit watery.

Carbonation is good throughout and for a medium bodied beer, not bad. Try it if you’re near Niagara Falls.

Tatuaje Avion 11 Wrapper: Ecuadorian Habano Maduro Binder: Nicaraguan Filler: Nicaraguan Strength: Full-Bodied This stick is an extension of the Fausto line. The wrapper is dark, oily and lightly veined as to be expected. It’ll start off strong with lots of spices which calm down about halfway though before picking up again towards the end. Enjoy the red and black pepper, strong coffee and roasted pine nut flavors. The burn is excellent and the ash lingers (which is a good thing). The Tatuaje Avion 11 will definitely challenge your taste buds.

The

Answer

Guy with

Arthur Bellfield

The Ultimate Margarita Ingredients: .5 oz GranGala Orange Liqueur 2 oz White Tequila 1 oz Lemon and Lime Juice 1 oz Simple Syrup Mixing Instructions: Shake together with ice and strain into a margarita glass. Option: rub the cut side of a lime on the glass rim and dip it into salt; and add a lime wedge to the rim of the glass as a garnish.

Dear Arthur, My boyfriend is an aspiring painter. The problem is aspirations don’t pay the bills. He lost his apartment and had to move in with me, I have to pick up the checks at dinner and basically pay for everything that we do together. I need to know what’s the nicest way to paint the picture in his head that this thing may be over.

It may be time for van Gogh to be van gone. Help…

Signed, Painted Into A Corner

failures, only that “There are no ch Ri r pe Su ok e of a life said in his bo ogh fits the mod G n va Russell Simmons g rin pi as pirations your out-of-work between having as e nc re ffe quitters!” Sadly, di ge hu because there is a “quitter!” I say this said aspirations. something about in life and doing e. You have s life uncomfortabl hi e ak m to is y have a get rid of this gu this you have to do To . m The best way to hi r fo g in to e high cost of liv have the courage to stop paying th to move on and u yo r fo ay w ly The on heart. relationship detox. rce him from your vo di lly na io ot em kick him out is to n do for best thing you ca e th is ed ch ta at e ing emotionally un at to me once. Sh Sometimes becom ex-girlfriend do th an d in ha I ith . w em ck th stu r to help r for a year. I was a person in orde after living with he t en nd. I had tm rie ar yf ap bo r he ur much like yo s: m kicked me out of ea dr g bi d uncertainty an a comfort zone of eamer. to stop being a dr r nothing, but an ai for months with e er th is ed t in liv I po t.

The apartmen humbled my soul.

I found a cheap t. The experience se n io vis le te l al mattress and a sm ve to let go. will he, you just ha I survived and so

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Harrison Cheung

How You Know Him: The high profile publicist and author behind Christian Bale: The Inside Story of the Darkest Batman who isn’t afraid of a little danger or being trapped on an elevator with Abraham Lincoln. This is the unabridged conversation with one exceptionally cool guy…and we’re pretty sure he has an extra Batsuit in his closet too.

What was it like being a publicist for Christian Bale?

In the beginning, it was a dream come true.

Christian was marketed as the biggest star on the Internet throughout the 1990s, and the entertainment press was impressed by the novelty and the democracy of it all. Christian loved the way we used the Internet to reach people then - we were the first to have an official web site, an electronic press kit, and an online fan base. We were using the Internet in ways that no one had done before. I still remember one of Christian’s old agents telling us that the Internet was a fad!

What was the most rewarding part about writing Christian Bale: The Inside Story of the Darkest Batman?

It took years to write, and my attitude toward celebrity has changed. I hope readers will be interested about Christian’s career trajectory. I think people forget that he was a former child actor. And I think any aspiring actors out there will get a kick out of knowing that fame takes its toll and where Christian’s temper comes from. But the most rewarding part is just to get the true story out there because Christian’s fans might not have realized what a direct role they had in forging his career. Now I can move on to my next book!

Coolest Batman gadget ever…

Batmobile, man. Hands down. I’m a bit of a car guy and I’ve loved how the Batmobile has changed from movie to movie, but even when I was a kid, I had a Hot Wheels Batmobile - the 1960s one that was based on the Lincoln Futura.

Read the entire interview at BlitzWeekly.com

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 35 may 9 - 15, 2012

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