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October 17 - 23, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6 october 17 - 23, 2012

n OD eck

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

The Enemy Within

G SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Jerry’s World 4 Big 12 Preview 5 SEC Preview 5 SMU Preview 5 Out of Left Field 6 Kenny Powers 7 Better Than Tony 8 Cover Story The Truth About PEDs 9 - 11 BLITZ Entertainment Jessica 12 Real Magic 13 Think Ink 13 Crave BW 14 Troy Marshall 15 Gearshift 16 Driving Me Crazy 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Pocketful of Peens 18 The Answer Guy 18

reat potential and endless talent is almost meaningless when teams fail to win games. Last week’s Cowboys loss to the Baltimore Ravens was particularly frustrating because success was within reach. In the last eight minutes of the game, the offense seemed disorganized as they began to implode. Players were taking their time out of the huddle, and collectively they racked up 35

details, which in turn create bigger problems. For example, not paying attention to the game clock and mismanaging time outs or being preoccupied with everyone else’s job and position and not catching the ball. And while I’m doling out blanket diagnoses, I’m pretty sure that fans, especially those of you with JerryWorld tickets, have become ambivalent about our team. When former Cowboys’ QB

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yards in penalties on a single drive, but eventually fought their way into the end zone. After this small taste of victory, the hits just kept coming. Dez Bryant dropped the two-point conversion and time outs were mismanaged. Under pressure, their leaders panicked and the team was backed into a hurried 51-yard field goal attempt. There was clearly no plan and the clock expired. So what happened? All of the interceptions, dropped passes and unfocused playing has to be attributed to something. Each year focus shifts from the QB, to Jerry Jones and to the coaching staff trying to figure out what needs to change in order to win some ball games. Is it possible that failure has finally become familiar? Or maybe it doesn’t matter how well the first half goes because they’ll just allow self-sabotage to rear its ugly head? I’m willing to bet that in many in the Cowboys organization are traditional “Type A” personalities. They are the bunch that is made up of the competitive, proactive, ambitious workaholic multi-taskers. Often they miss simple solutions to problems because they are overlooking important

and Patron Saint of WingStop, Troy Aikman stopped by The Ticket last week he spoke about the how quiet it is during the game. “I don’t think Dallas has ever really had a great home field advantage,” said Aikman. “There was no way you could go down there near the goal line and use a hard count in an opposing stadium and yet in Texas Stadium, teams did it all the time.” I know that after shelling out for high-priced tickets and sitting in front of that ginormous screen, it’s easy to kick back and enjoy the show, but c’mon we’ve got to turn this thing around. It’s tough to decide if we, as increasingly fickle and hostile fans, are the enemy or the players’ crippling mental mindsets. But we must find the answer. Face it, we are the kid whose older sibling is using our hand as a weapon and screaming “Why are you hitting yourself!?” Something is forcing our hand to do make these mistakes. With any luck, we’ll get out of our own way to deal with these issues before something extreme happens and we spend another playoff season upset and regretful.

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Steroids in Sports

Steroids? I worry about hemorrhoids in my pants! What a pain in the ass!

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October 17 - 23, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6 Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

By Jay Betsill – @thefamousjay and Scott Holub – @tcowboytrivia

Cowboys Play Their Best and Still Lose

he good news from the Dallas Cowboys trip up to play the Baltimore Ravens is that they played their best game of the season. The bad news is that they still lost, 31-29. After all of their mistakes and several questionable calls by the officials - due in large part to how poorly the Ravens played - Dallas still had a chance to win at the end. Following Bryant’s touchdown on a 4-yard pass from Romo with 32 seconds left to make it 31-29, the 2-point conversion pass went through Bryant’s hands in the front left corner of the end zone. The Cowboys had a chance to pull out a win as they recovered the onside kick, but Dan Bailey’s potential gamewinning 51-yard field goal with two seconds to play went wide left after some very questionable clock management by the Cowboys and their coaching staff. “I’m sick about losing this game,” Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said after Sunday’s 31-29 loss to the Ravens. “I feel good about this team. Even though we’re 2-3, I feel good about the way we held up, stayed in there, fought, the way we did some things, executed, the way our offensive line played. There are some things I really feel good about our future with, our future being this year.” The Cowboys gained 481 yards against the once-mighty and currently beat-up Baltimore defense and (thanks in part to the strong performance by the offensive line) held the ball for more than 40 minutes. Dallas totaled 227 yards rushing, the most against the Ravens since the franchise arrived in Baltimore from Cleveland in 1996. Baltimore’s defensive unit lost cornerbacks Ladarius Webb (right knee) and Jimmy Smith (lower leg strain), along with middle linebacker Ray Lewis (triceps). Webb could have an ACL tear, coach John Harbaugh said. Lewis had an MRI on his triceps Monday, according to ESPN and is out for the season.

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Tony Romo went 25 for 36 for 261 yards and two touchdowns, a performance of pure redemption after his five interception performance in Dallas’ last game, two weeks ago on Monday Night Football against the Chicago Bears. DeMarco Murray ran for 93 yards, Felix Jones had 92 on the ground and Dez Bryant caught 13 passes for 95 yards and two TDs. Murray left in the second half with a foot injury and was set to undergo an MRI on Monday. “I felt we fought really hard and well through a lot of different adversities in all three phases,” Cowboys coach Jason Garrett said. “(The Ravens) have been awfully good for a while. This team’s been awfully good in this place for a while. We gave them everything they could handle.” Ray Rice scored two touchdowns and Joe Flacco threw for a score to help the Ravens secure their fourth consecutive victory. The highlight from Baltimore’s side came when Jacoby Jones tied an NFL record with a 108-yard kickoff return. The victory was for their 14th straight regular-season home win, the longest current streak in the NFL. Dallas’ next game is another road contest at the Carolina Panthers. Carolina is coming off its bye week after falling 16-12 to the Seattle Seahawks. Seattle held the Panthers to 190 yards of total offense as Newton threw for a career-low 141 yards on 12-for-29 passing, and he was sacked four times. He also ran for 42 yards. “When you know what guys are doing and you still can’t beat them, they’re just good at what they do,” said Newton, last year’s No. 1 overall draft pick. “Let’s call a cat a cat and a dog a dog. They’re a great defense. We knew what they were going to do before the game even started.” The Carolina game is the second in Dallas’ brutal five game stretch that includes a home game against the Giants and road games at Atlanta and Philadelphia.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6 october 17 - 23, 2012

SMU SEC BIG 12 Game of the Week Game of the Week

Mustangs

By Jason Fleck – jason.fleck@mavs.uta.edu

Wildcats Remain on the Prowl

very week the Big 12 standings have looked different and every week a Big 12 title contender is taken down. Halfway through the season we are now trying to figure out if the Big 12 is really as tough as it seems or are all the teams just that inconsistent? So far only one team has remained con-

Photo Courtesy: The U.S. Army

sistent for the entire season. That team is Kansas State. From their Big 12 opening game, taking out down preseason favorite Oklahoma to holding off Iowa State this past weekend to move to 6-0 overall and remaining at the top of the Big 12 standings with 3-0 record. Unlike every other team in the conference they haven’t wavered, you can expect the same team to show up every weekend. Collin Klein can be expected to hurt you with both his legs and arm. And their defense actually plays defense. Meanwhile, West Virginia’s defense won’t hold anyone and the offense will have to be counted on to keep them in the game. So this weekend when No. 4 Kansas State meets up against No. 17 West Virginia, it will be a matchup between the most consistent overall team against the most consistently poor defense in the Big 12 this year, then again it is the Big 12 so what can we really expect the outcome of this game to be? Most are expecting Collin Klein to literally run all over the West Virginia defense, just like he has against every other team. Others will be looking for the man under center for the Mountaineers, Geno Smith, to be back to his supernatural form after being held in check for the first time this season, passing for only one touchdown and putting up only 14 points against Texas Tech. Since Kansas State knows how to hold the ball and wear out opposing defenses and West Virginia hasn’t shown they can win without Smith having to carry them. The expectation will be that Smith won’t be on the field enough to have a big game, the Mountaineers’ defense will look even worse than normal, and the Wildcats will pull out another road win and gain even more ground in their inevitable run for a National Championship/Big 12 title. Game Info: #4 KANSAS STATE vs. #17 W VIRGINIA SAT. OCT. 20 – 6:00 PM / FOX MOUNTAINEER FIELD

By Stephen Evans – comments@blitzweekly.com

Amazing Johnny Football Takes on the Tigers

or the fourth consecutive weekend, the SEC schedule features a contest pitting two top-10 ranked teams when No. 9 South Carolina travels to take on the third-ranked Florida Gators in an SEC East clash. But leave it to Johnny Football to steal the spotlight from Steve Spurrier’s return to The Swamp. Texas A&M’s freshman superstar quarterback Johnny Manziel continues his assault on the SEC record books and enters Saturday morning’s tilt against the sixthranked LSU Tigers as the reigning Walter Camp National Offensive Player of the Week after accounting for six touchdowns and 576 yards of total offense in A&M’s 5957 win over Louisiana Tech. Manziel passed for 395 yards on 24-of-40 passing, including three touchdown strikes, while rushing for 181 yards and three more scores. Manziel’s total offensive yardage was the third highest ever among NCAA FBS freshmen and set an SEC record for most total offensive yards in a single game (breaking his own record of 557 set earlier this season against Arkansas).

Frank LaCosta – flacosta@blitzweekly.com

Thursday Night Football with the Cougars

here are no sure bets in this world. Not that I’m advocating wagering on college sports but what looked like a sure thing for the SMU Mustangs turned out to be a shocking a loss. The Mustangs took on a team that had lost its previous 15 games and found a way to lose. After three quarters, SMU found themselves in a 20-9 hole before rattling off a pair of touchdowns and another field goal. This gave them a 26-20 lead with a 1:22 left in the game. Tulane QB Ryan Griffin marched the Green Wave from their own 32 down to the SMU 16 yard line before hooking up with WR Robert Kelley for the game winning touchdown. After the final whistle the score was a 27-26 victory for Tulane and the end to their losing streak. Now the Mustangs are 2-4 with a 1-1 conference record. They host the Houston

Photo Courtesy: Joseph Dowling

Photo Courtesy: SD Dirk

Manziel also became the first player in SEC history to record two games of 500+ yards of total offense in a single season. But can Johnny Football produce similar feats of greatness against a battle-tested defense that annually ranks among the nation’s best? Clearing that hurdle is the next challenge for Manziel and Aggie head coach Kevin Sumlin, who has already acquitted himself well in his first season in the league. Against Florida, another supreme defense, Manziel passed for 173 yards and rushed for 60, accounting for just one touchdown. Certainly that’s respectable, but it wasn’t enough to allow the Aggies to upend the Gators in A&M’s first-ever SEC game. Now LSU comes calling to renew a oncelively rivalry. The Tigers dominated the Aggies in their most recent meeting, a 4124 beat down in the Cotton Bowl following the 2010 season. That was the 50th game between the teams, though Saturday marks the first regular-season meeting since 1995. A&M has won the past five regular-season games against the Tigers, and if the Aggies can make it a sixth straight regular season win in the series, the legend of Johnny Football is destined to grow even more.

Cougars for a Thursday night game which will be aired on FSN. Where do the Mustangs go from here? How will they bounce back from their recent shocking loss? How do they shore up their porous defense? QB Garrett Gilbert still has more interceptions than touchdowns thrown. The running game ranks 104th nationally which is a serious black eye considering they have a bruising back in Zach Line. The o-line needs to protect Gilbert better and open up more running lanes for Line. The Mustang defense is abysmal at this point. Only when facing weak offenses have they produced. If they cannot keep the game close then more losses are sure to follow. The Cougars have won three straight and are sitting at .500 for the season with a 2-0 conference record. QB David Piland hasn’t turned the ball over in back-to-back games and has improved on his completion percentage. RB Charles Sims has three games in a row of rushing for over 100 yards. Coincidence? When the Cougars run the ball well they win games. If the Mustangs don’t find a way to shut down Sims then this will be another loss in what is quickly becoming a disappointing season. Game Info: HOUSTON vs SMU THU. OCT. 18 - 7:00 PM / FSN GERALD FORD STADIUM

Game Info: #6 LSU vs #20 TEXAS A&M SAT. OCT. 20 – 11:00 AM / ESPN KYLE FIELD Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

October 17 - 23, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6 Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com

Where did we go wrong?

ast year it was one strike. This year it was one win. Either way the Texas Rangers came up short of their overall goal to win a World Series. While it was tough enough watching the team just miss winning the 2011 Fall Classic, seeing what happened to them the last 10 games of 2012 was harder to take. That’s how short of a time it required to tear down what they had spent the first 152 games building up. When the Rangers beat the surprising Oakland Athletics at home Sept. 24, they seemed in great shape with a five game lead with nine games left to play. They also were the top team in the American League. Because the Rangers had played so well for so long made losing eight of their final 10 contests puzzling. They had always prided themselves on their resiliency, their ability to bounce back when down. For some reason that trait failed them in the end. Was it because of the fatigue manager Ron Washington and general manager Jon Daniels discussed in their closing news conference last week? Maybe. You can bet Washington will give his regulars more rest next year. How about the absence of starting pitchers Colby Lewis and Neftali Feliz, which put pressure on the No. 5 spot in the rotation to produce. Perhaps since Scott Feldman and Martin Perez struggled in that role. But I think the following statistic may be the most telling. The team that always has put pressure on opponents with its running game managed just two stolen bases in those final 10 games and only seven in September and October, far below any other team in baseball. That meant too much relying on base hits and home runs. Good Things Despite the final result, there were numerous bright spots: • The team won 93 games, three less than last year’s record 96, and led the division for 178 days. • Yu Darvish had a strong rookie season with a

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16-9 regular season record and 3.90 earned run average and saved his best for September and October. • Matt Harrison won 18 games, equaling a team record for left-handers, and a 3.29 ERA. • Adrian Beltre had a most-valuable player-type year with a .321 batting average, 36 home runs and 102 runs batted in. • Josh Hamilton mostly shined with a .285 average, 43 HRs and 128 RBI. Records were set for total attendance (3,460,280), sellouts (38) and crowds over 40,000 (59), proving baseball can succeed in Texas. The Future Make no mistake there will be major changes for 2013. Hamilton most likely has played his last game as a Ranger as someone will offer him far more than Texas rightfully should pay him. The same could be true for Mike Napoli and Mike Adams, also free agents. Also likely gone is starting pitcher Ryan Dempster, whom the Rangers figured was a rental for the last two months and the playoffs. Feldman also will depart as the Rangers will not pay a $9.25 million option. Closer Joe Nathan will be back but who sets up for him will depend on who Daniels signs in the off-season. Besides dealing with the outgoing free agents, Daniels must find a better bench. This year’s reserves provided nothing, possibly one reason why Washington felt obligated to play his starters so much. The good news is Oakland will not catch people by surprise like this year. The bad news is don’t count on the Los Angeles of Anaheim missing the playoffs again. So the Rangers have many questions to answer this winter, which will make the coming months even more interesting than in the recent past.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6 october 17 - 23, 2012

The Prolific Prose of Powers By Cote Bailey - @BlitzWeekly

erhaps no player from the land of make believe is more quotable than Kenny Powers from HBO’s Eastbound & Down. The mullet wearing, dimwitted, Major League pitcher-turned-middle school P.E. disaster machine has unleashed more vocal gems on the world than Joe Biden after a Jäger chugging contest. So we thought it would only be right to share some of our favorite Powerisms in this the most sacred month of baseball. Children, grandmas, and people with IQs over 118 just go ahead and turn the page.

to tell you all that Kenny Powers is officially accepting the position of PE Coach here at Jefferson Davis Middle School.” “Sitting here, waving around her cervix like it’s the hottest ticket in town.” “Ask anybody out there, and they’ll tell you that the foundation of a great baseball player starts with an understanding of some basic fundamentals. Running, stretching, physical conditioning. These are the things that prepare your body for the many challenges a baseball player faces. I heard that bullshit thrown at me all my damn life. You know what Kenny Powers says? Fundamentals are the crutch for the talentless.” “People often ask me, ‘Kenny, what are your weaknesses? Do you have any?’ I would say that my biggest flaw, my achilles heel, is my tireless work ethic.” “I never got into the Native American mythology. You can smoke the peace pipe till your d*ck falls off, but I’m not dancin’ with any wolves no matter how high I get.”

“Hello. School, can you hear me? Good morning, students, teachers, faculty members, lunch ladies, janitors. This is Kenny Powers, professional baseball player, and I got something I wanna say. A lot of you m**herf*ckers think you know who Kenny Powers is. Well, I’m here today to tell y’all you don’t know sh*t.” “Ooohhh... I recognize your scent. Do you recognize my essence? Yeah? Yeah, that feels familiar? I think I’m going to need to change my pants. I’m just playing, I didn’t come in my pants.”

“If there’s one thing I hate it’s losing. If there’s two things I hate it it’s losing and getting cancer.” “So in closing, I’d like to give big ups to God, Buddha, L. Ron, whoever. Hell, maybe I just need to thank me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all my adventures and conquests is that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great. I just am great.”

“A true champion faces his enemies and he conquers them. And that is why I’m here today Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

October 17 - 23, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6

Better Than Tony

By David Beasley - comments@blitzweekly.com

The way that this season has been going one can’t help but wonder what if someone else took over as QB?

Betty White – No one’s better than Betty.

Honey Boo-Boo Child

would get us going.

James Bond – If he can’t save us, no one can.

Lindsay Lohan – At least if she sucks we could blame it on the drugs.

Mitt Romney – He would flip flop on receivers until

– The Go-Go Juice

he found one he liked then deny passing it to him.

Flava Flav – Hell why not, a loss is a loss. At least it would be entertaining.

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6 october 17 - 23, 2012

The Pink Elephant In The Locker Room By C.J. Gardner - cjgardner80@ou.edu

s sure as the initial poke from the tip of the syringe, the truth about doping and sports stings. We have watched as heroes that once stood as tall as mountains are reduced to repentant mounds of rubble of their former selves. And turned on our TVs to see government agencies breach their realm of jurisdiction in witch-hunts that cross the globe in pursuit of finding those they believe to be guilty of violating the sacredness of sports. The truth about performance enhancing drugs is that they are here to stay. Needle for needle, pill for pill, indictment for indictment this issue is putting up Hall of Fame numbers.

teroids and performance-enhancing drugs in sports have become a problem that is starting to pop up everywhere across the sports world. From the Olympians to NFL linebackers, steroid use is becoming a bigger problem with each passing year. And it seems that as competition continues to grow so will the need to obtain “an edge” on that competition. Even with leagues across the board testing for a list of various PEDs, athletes are risking their reputations, as well as, their freedom in pursuit of being a little faster, a little stronger than the next guy. Unfortunately with each name that is added to the list of cheaters they take a little bit of the integrity of the sport with them. Their choice to cheat affects more than just themselves; the sport suffers, the fans suffer, and young athletes that grow up watching their favorite athlete face grand juries and vehemently deny any wrong doing definitely suffer. The ripple effect that is started once the decision is made to cheat knows no bounds. So if you won’t choose to rethink that option even with the knowledge of the lasting, negative effects to your body including health problems and possibly death, perhaps the visualization that your decision will cause some aspiring high school athlete to believe the only way to succeed is to take the easy way out – like you did. Regulation in attempts to prevent the spread of drug use throughout sports have come up all but fruitless. Even with professional leagues trying their best to get them out of sports all together by testing and punishing those athletes who test positive. It’s simply far too ingrained in the culture with the history of performance-enhancing drugs being used in sports goes all the way back to the 1800s. According to a story done by Sports Illustrated, Arthur Linton died during a race and even though the cause of death was reported as typhoid fever, he was believed to have taken trimethyl, which is a stimulant and undoubtedly assisted in his untimely demise. In 1935, Adolf Butenandt led a group of

German scientists to develop anabolic steroids as a way to treat hypogonadism, a testosterone deficiency. These steroids were initially started to help people with certain health problems, but as with other tools developed, people found out the other uses for their new super drug. People cheating and trying to gain a bigger advantage is something that has been going on for as long as their has been competition; steroid use just expedited the process. One incident that shows how PEDs are ruining sports was MLB slugger Melky Cabrera’s 50 game suspension earlier this year. At the time of his suspension on August 15th, he had a .346 batting average. At the end of the season his average was the highest batting average in the league. This brought up the dilemma of whether a player who had tested positive for PEDs should be allowed to win any sort of accolade for his season performance. MLB and Cabrera did the right thing though and set a precedent that players who test positive for PEDs will not be eligible for any awards for his performance. Let’s go a step further, this rule should also be used for career records. If you admitted to using PEDs

during your playing years and you set a record, it should not count. There’s no better deterrent than the threat of wiping your very existence off the face of the map of history. Athletes are putting up numbers and breaking long-standing records because they are benefiting more from using these drugs to increase their productivity. I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of cheating. The wayward moral compasses of athletes who quite frankly don’t deserve to be in the sport are sullying the sanctity of those records that were earned with talent and dedication. One thing that has come out of the professional leagues trying to get PEDs out of their sport has been the witch-hunt-like search of users. Because of all the people using various substances of ill regard across all sports, everyone and anyone is now a suspect. It would be unfair and reckless to say that anyone ever accused of cheating is/was in fact guilty. If anyone has a down year or big year people talk about them going off of PEDs or are starting to use them. Player’s reputations are being tarnished just because people are being overly skeptical and accusing athletes of using PEDs even though there is no proof of them

ever doing so. An example of this was earlier this year with future Hall of Famer Derek Jeter. After having a good season after a couple of down years by his standards, ESPN talking head Skip Bayless came out and said that he thinks that Jeter was using PEDs with no proof whatsoever. Bayless made this comment just because that is the way people think now. Fans and pundits now just think that unexpected talent equates to cheating in some way, shape or form. Baseball, cycling and Olympic sports have been the sports most caught up in the PED talk, but the use of these drugs isn’t prejudice to any sport (heck, don’t be surprised to see a beefed up chess master). It affects the way fans view the sports they watch because they see athletes that have no respect for their selves. Fans like to see everyone getting an equal chance to succeed, instead of some gaining an advantage by the tip of a needle.

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October 17 - 23, 2012

Faces of Steroids Lyle Alzado NFL

Arnold Schwarzenegger Body Building Marion Jones Track and Field Ken Shamrock UFC Jose Canseco MLB Shawne Merriman NFL

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6

They’re Just Your Friendly Neighborhood Cheaters Chuck Cipione - @chuckcip Photo Courtesy by hdnux

Alright guys, time to talk about steroids. Yes it is indeed the most controversial issue in sports today is back again in dramatic fashion. Performance enhancing drugs have been taking up a big chunk of the national news machine recently and are not failing to bring up the regular questions of morality, fairness, and cheating that follow the topic like a roaming pack of ravenous dogs. We are all aware of the dangerous cocktail that’s created when PEDs mix with professional sports and as we speak a fellow Texan is the Ace of Spades in the USADA’s most wanted deck. When this story broke it must have caught every sports fan in America, heck even worldwide, totally off guard. It’s hard to believe, but it really happened. Recently Golden Boy Lance Armstrong’s 16-year pro cycling career, one that earned seven-Tour de France titles, is in severe danger of being flushed down the toilet. Lance Armstrong was the undisputed poster-boy of American cycling and the single best athlete in the history of his sport, but it’s officially time to reconsider folks. I know, I don’t want to deal with the mental torture of a complete polar reversal of a hero’s image either, but the facts are already out there and we must. Ok, here’s what we know, last June the USADA accused Armstrong of testing positive for a drug called EPO, the drug boosts the amount of red blood cells and is also known as “blood doping”, and other forms of steroids too. Hindsight is always 20/20, but it seems foolish now that we ever believed Lance’s feats were drug free. Unfortunately that’s not all, it gets much worse. Putting steroids in your own body is one thing, but our boy Lance is accused of putting them in others people’s too; he allegedly ran the biggest doping network in history, Heisenberg style! There’s even a rumor that Armstrong and his teammates created a song to the tune of Jimi Hendrix’s Purple Haze that replaced references to Jimi’s drugs of choice with the cyclist’s favorite, EPO. If that is true, besides adding a bit of humor to this mess also adds severe character questions as well. But how did he fool us all for so long? The fact that he did is nearly as impressive as what he did on a bike. I still don’t want to lose Armstrong in this mess, his former teammates think differently though, as nearly all of them have thrown Lance

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“under the bus” so to speak in attempts to salvage what they can for themselves. The whole ordeal seems surreal, like a bad dream. Back in reality the USADA came to a verdict of stripping Armstrong of his seven Tour titles, a decision which Lance ultimately decided not to appeal. Technically the USADA is not in charge of that decision though, but his decision not to appeal was viewed as an admission of guilt by the French Cycling Federation. So there you go, kiss those awards goodbye as if they never happened. So what happens to Mr. Armstrong, who has now won as many Tour titles as the rest of us? Well, first off his character, accomplishments, and legacy will be thrown in the sports garbage can alongside highly regarded athletes such as Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, those evil Commie Eastern Bloc Olympic teams, and so many other athletes that suffered the same fate. Additionally he will be ineligible to compete in any sporting event that follows the World Anti-Doping Code, which means things like Ironman triathlons and other endurance competitions. I want to blame everyone but the man who is ultimately responsible. How did coaches and officials allow the free trade of illegal drugs during competitions? How did Lance’s failed drug tests not come to light until recently? Why do they have to erase a sports legend from history? Well I don’t know, but I do know that cycling is the dirtiest sport in the world in terms of steroid use.

There is little doubt in my mind that the number of professional cyclists using some sort of PED is much closer to 100% than it is to 50 or even 70%. The amount of

Photo Courtesy: Eugene Wei

athletes that are testing positive in this niche sport is absolutely astronomical, which makes me wonder what the motive was behind continuing this investigation two years removed from his last Tour appearance. Riding for a government sponsored team (US Postal Service) for the bulk of his career could’ve spurred it, but in an event where 20 of the previous 21 riders that reached the podium have been caught doping one way or another one might think the sport could use a “clean” spokesperson or role model for appearance, even if that man cheated in reality. Tour cyclists continue to pass these drug tests during and before competition only to be caught in further investigations later. Note Floyd Landis, another American, was stripped of his 2007 title after testing positive for synthetic testosterone. These occurrences are all too common and bring into question the methods of testing, or that the so called “bad guys” are smart enough to stay about twenty steps ahead of the authorities. If these medical sports specialists are able to outsmart drug tests so easily it also makes me wonder how seriously the big wigs behind the scenes actually care. This is a tragic story that’s stolen a local hero from us in the middle of the night and made us all a little more cynical at the same time. The only way I can deal with this devastating story is to take some advice from another known drug user and think to myself, “That’s the way cycling go.”

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6 october 17 - 23, 2012

Injecting Life Back Into Sports By Jan Hubbard - comments@blitzweekly.com

sed properly, steroids are great. Ask Magic Johnson. They have been a big part of the regular medical cocktail he has taken to combat the Human Immunodeficiency Virus that he discovered he had in 1991. At the time, the worst was feared. We thought he’d shrivel up and die. But more than 21 years later, he seems healthier than ever. Steroids have other great uses – as an anti-inflamatory, in treatment of breast cancer, and even to treat eye infections. Steroids have gotten a bad name, however, because of people like Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire, Jose Canseco, etc. The qualities that make steroids so effective become negative when overused and the result is, more often than not, when we think of steroids, we think of scandal. Nowhere is the debate of steroids more heated than in cycling. The latest scrawl on the dominant sports cable channel was that 11 former teammates of Lance Armstrong have accused him of using steroids, which is nothing new. Armstrong has been battling charges for years. If Armstrong is guilty, he is the most sophisticated PED user in human history. As he often says in his defense, he’s never tested positive for any type of drug. He says that makes him clean; his accusers and former teammates say it makes him clever. Here’s the odd thing about steroids. As dirty as they make the sport, they have also made the

ratings fell that year and they remained at levels below where they had been for three years. Then 1998 arrived and McGuire and Sammy Sosa engaged in a home run derby that symbolized the romance of baseball. First of all, they were chasing Babe Ruth, which, of course, made their competition for the home run title nothing less than, well, Ruthian. They also were chasing Roger Maris, whose record of 61 home runs in a season had lasted for 37 years. Babe Ruth was an icon, but Maris was notable in his own right because he was so tortured by greatness. There were numerous stories of the verbal and emotional Photo Courtesy: “The Boys of Bummer” Kerrtoons abuse Maris was subjected to while pursuing Ruth’s record sport. And I’m not talking about bodybuilding. and, well, that made for even more compelling Consider baseball and cycling. reading. In 1994, major league baseball players went It has long been said that chicks love the long on strike in mid-August, cancelling the last two ball, but as it turned out, so did everyone else. months of the season and the World Series. Ratings ballooned like McGuire’s and Sosa’s When the labor dispute was settled in April bodies. McGuire hit 70 home runs; Sosa hit 66 1995, fans were ticked. Attendance and TV and baseball suddenly was “in” again. Sosa

never admitted steroid use but McGuire did in 2010. While neither player will ever get in the Hall of Fame, together, they boosted baseball back to its pre-strike levels of popularity. Now consider cycling. Or as Allen Iverson might say: Cycling! For seven consecutive years, America was mesmerized by a bicycle race in Europe. Are you kidding me? But it was Armstrong, an American and a cancer survivor who gave the sport credibility. Ratings weren’t exactly as sky-high as the Alps, but without Armstrong, they would have been closer to zero in the U.S. And it was only with Armstrong that cycling became a front-page sport. So if he did in fact take steroids and then do a masterful job of hiding them, it did not diminish what he did for his sport. And as it turned out, a number of other racers also admitted they were using PEDs – including some of Armstrong’s accusers – so if there was steroid abuse, it looks like everyone was doing it. Armstrong simply did it better. I’d never argue that illegal steroid abuse is anything but bad. But it is odd how that abuse led to increasing popularity in some sports.

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October 17 - 23, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6

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Jessica

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6 october 17 - 23, 2012

Real Magic

By Drew Davis - svo1905@gmail.com

girlShow co-organizer David Rodriguez

verwhelming, visually overwhelming is the best way to describe ARTLOVEMAGIC’s girlShow:Rewind on October 20. The local, female artists will be on-site displaying both their work and their creative processes as the event combines both gallery and art studio. As co-organizer David Rodriguez puts it, “In a gallery you can see the aftermath of the magic, here you can see the magic as it happens.” The Fifth annual girlShow celebrates local female artists, designers, poets, musicians and performers. This year’s theme “rewind,” “comments on women who have had artistic achievements throughout history.” It is also a chance to honor the past participants of this annual event. Although girlShow:Rewind features the female perspective it doesn’t create a narrow alt.fem, Lillith Fair style. According to Rodriguez, the centerpiece of this show is in fact its diversity. The extensive preview on the girlShow:Rewind (www.girlshowblog.wordpress.com) features more variety than my browser could keep up with. The show is divided into three areas. At the heart is the bustling main area, a bazaar of visual artists; there is also a music stage and the (over 21) Blue Room. The Blue Room (a new addition this year) will feature burlesque, latex and vintage fashion. In contrast to the mingling, churning of the main

Photo Courtesy: Carolyn Collins Photography

area – the Blue Room is a place to lounge and to try to take your eyes off of the edgy on-stage entertainment. While the entire event is estimated to attract close to 1,000 people, the capacity of the blue room is limited to just 200. If combing a gallery event, and a studio event wasn’t enough, audience participation is also a staple of these events. “Don’t be surprised if an artist hands you a brush,” advises David Rodriguez. This is an environment that encourages spur of the moment collaboration among artists and audience participation. ArtLoveMagic is committed to bringing live art events to the community, having delivered over 100 events in their five years. Their experience

gives them a deep Rolodex of up and coming local artists and the expertise to deliver on their vision. They are especially well known for their Kid’s Workshops – free events that allow kids to experiment and collaborate with different artistic mediums. Art is subjective and with so much and so many different kinds of art at girlShow:Rewind, everyone is bound to find something that touches them. Beyond being captured by those personal treasures, are events -- moments when people are swept up into a collective energy. girlShow:Rewind promises to deliver on both counts.

GirlShow:Rewind will take place on Saturday, October 20, from 8pm to midnight at South Side on Lamar, 1409 South Lamar Street, Dallas 75215. General Admission Tickets are $10 and Gen + Blue Room access are $25 and going fast. For more information http://artlovemagic.com/ main.html

Photo Courtesy: Carolyn Collins Photography

Reality TV, INKorporated By C. Patterson - cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

allas-born and bred tattoo artists Ron Givens and Clint Cummings are taking on Spike TVs Ink Master and though only one man (or woman) can prevail on the show both of these young guns are staking their reputations on being permanently creative.

Ron Givens

What was the experience like competing on Ink Master? Eye opening. Really. How so? I wasn’t really expecting some of the things that were going on like the hours and being around that many people – trapped in a cage so to speak. What has been your favorite part of being a tattoo artist? Meeting new people and being able to create. 10 years ago the “tramp stamp” was the lower back tattoo. What is the 2012 tramp stamp? Ribs. Everybody wants their ribs done and it’s one of the toughest spots to get a tattoo and give a tattoo. What’s one thing that we will learn about you in the show? I don’t stop smiling, no matter what I don’t stop smiling.

Clint Cummings

Craziest off-camera experience Me, Steven, Jesse and a couple other guys went bowling and got crazy hammered [laughing]. We were working so much so when they finally said we’ll give you guys a break and let you guys go out, we just wild’d out. With the counter-culture of tattooing now being so mainstream is tattooing still looked at as rebellious? No, not at all. That’s a good and a bad thing because for so many years tattoos were a reserved industry. It was something that was meant for certain people – bikers, sailors, military…things like that. It was bound to happen that one day they would crack the mold

and the general population got a hold of it. Now I tattoo kids because they want to fit a certain look or scene rather than get tattoos to remember certain things in their life or never forget where they have been, something of that nature. You can find tattoos now on t-shirts and lunchboxes and hats. Its good and bad. Good because so many good artists are getting their names out there so people can know who they are and experience that persons art. It’s bad because it opened up the door for people to see tattooing as something easy they can get into and now it’s driving the industry down due to the amount of people doing tattoos that aren’t artistic at all.

Photos Courtesy: Spike TV

Worst celebrity tattoo Just about 90% of the players in the NFL have shit tattoos. You would think if you’re getting paid $6 million dollars for a threeyear contract to play cornerback, which means all that you’re doing is running up and down the field. On your offseason you would figure you would be smart enough to be like, “hey I’m going to get a rockin’ ass half sleeve.” But they don’t. They go get some bullshit guy who doesn’t know art from anything and I can’t believe it. Tune into Ink Master Tuesdays at 9c only on Spike TV

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October 17 - 23, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6

By Steven Doyle - www.cravedfw.com

here is not a day that passes which doesn’t give pause to some sort of homage to one of our favorite foods. In recent weeks we celebrated National Taco Day and National Cupcake Day. Some of these celebratory food days we can rally for the cause, others not so much. But seriously, who doesn’t love a day of non-stop tacos? With food nationalism in mind, we are particularly excited to celebrate National Pizza Month. One of our favorite foods is so magnanimous that we can celebrate a full 31 days of noshing our way through a list of our favorite pies. This is ideal since there are so many varieties of pizza out there to enjoy, and Dallas has some fine examples to enjoy. This week share a handful of our favorite pizzas. Neapolitan: This pizza is all the rage and there are many spots opening across the city that features Neapolitan style. The VPN is an Italian pizza regulatory commission that approves this specific pie, and to gain the approval you must meet strict guidelines such as using only San Marzano tomatoes and hand-stretched mozzarella, a baked in a wood-fired oven for a mere 2 minutes or less. Visit our favorite in North Dallas, Dough Pizzeria located at Preston and Forest Lane. New York Style: New York has a certain distinction unlike any other pie. The pizza is massive, the crust is thin and the sauce is tangy. The New York style has plenty of mozzarella, and is scattered with a handful of toppings. Visit Serious Pizza in Deep Ellum for their manhole cover-sized pizzas that are hand tossed before your eyes, old school. A single slice is cheap and

enough to satisfy a lunch hunger, or temper a 2am beer blitz. Happily they are open until 3am on weekends. Chef Pizza: These are made by real chefs in fancy restaurants. We have a few decent versions in Dallas, but our favorite is at the Highland Park restaurant, Nonna. The restaurant is owned and cheffed by Julian Barsotti, and the man makes the finest white clam pizza you may ever taste. Order this pie to share with the table before ordering Barsotti’s other killer Italian dishes. Dive Bar Pizza: If you ever visit Boston you will witness a phenomenon called “bar pizza”. Every bar has their specialty, and the locals have their favorite. Dallas makes some special bar pizzas, and our go-to is Bryan Street Tavern. Made in a stone oven that has seen some major action, Bryan Street’s pizza is perfect as a shared bar snack,

Photo Courtesy: Steven Doyle

or a full on dinner. The pizza takes on a slight smokiness and has a perfect thin crust crunch. Enjoy this bar pizza with the vast selection of local beers found on tap. Chicago Style: We are talking about the crazy thick pizza style that the good people of Illinois seem to appreciate more than most. The Chicago style or pan pizza is generally 3 inches tall and loaded with pounds of cheese and other toppings. The sauce is thick and chunky and packed with flavor. Find a great example in Plano at Chicago Street Pizza or in Fort Worth at a Chicago original, Pizzeria Uno. Other great pizzas in Dallas include Louie’s for their irreverence to mankind and ultra-crunchy thin style. We also enjoy Campisi’s for their rectangular blast from the past, and Coal Vine’s off-the-menu meatball pizza that is wacky good.

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Photo Courtesy: Steven Doyle

CRAVEdfw

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6 october 17 - 23, 2012

A Moment with Mr. Marshall By C. Patterson - cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

y encounter with a man viewed by many as a legend in the music industry showed me an individual who was candid, talkative, intelligent, and driven. Troy Marshall’s purpose in life is you – well not ‘you’ per say, but the music ‘you’ hear. He has built a career that has seen stars like Mary J. Blige, Lady Gaga, Common, 50 Cent, Lil Wayne and many others counted among those who respect him. In speaking with him I found a man who is a loving father and dedicated fiancée, a man who reflects as much on his life at home as he does on his life in the industry. His efforts become your iTunes playlist and he never asks you to thank him. In the ever-changing world of music one thing you can be sure will remain the same, Mr. Marshall. His experience is his constant system of checks

and balances of the hypocrisy of the industry as he steps out of the realm of the major labels into the uncharted waters of the indie scene. Farewell to the ancien régime of music executives, Troy Marshall is the future. Did you always have great ambitions? Actually I have always loved music since I was a kid growing up in Los Angeles. There was this radio station called 1580 KDAY and it use to have [Bobby] Jimmy and the Critters, Greg Mack and a lot of hip-hop and west coast music got exposed through that particular radio station. So I became so entrenched with listening to that radio station and loving music that it always stayed with me. From there I went to UCLA and pledged Alpha and I became in charge of our school dances for our fraternity. Those turned out to be very successful and through that I was able to get different artists to come to the campus. I then went on to teach high school. I wound up taking an internship at a record label because I knew that’s what I wanted to do as far as my career. What’s been your favorite part about the job? You know the thing that I like the most about the job and the thing that gives me the ultimate high is to take an artist that no one knew two years ago, three years ago, service their record, service their imaging and their brand to the tastemakers like the DJs and the radio stations and the bloggers and the street team guys to get them to buy into that artist. What artist surprised you the most by their success? Common is one because at the time Common, The Roots, and Jill Scott were considered backpack rappers and we were able to get them to structure some records that we were able to take to radio. The Roots had

“You Got Me”, which was actually written by Jill Scott, but they had Erykah Badu [sing] the hook because Erykah was very popular at that time. And if you really listen to that record you’ll hear the female rapper is Eve before she was Eve of Ruff Ryders. Also you have Common and we did the record called “The Light” and Erykah played the leading love interest in the video and it wound up being Common’s biggest record helping Like Water for Chocolate become a platinum album. From that stand point of knowing where they had come from and what they have grown to – look at Common in addition to music he’s now a successful actor and his career has grown so much and I knew I was a part of that whole thing and that really makes me proud. Where is the craziest place music has taken you? An MTV performance with Mary J. Blige and we were in Rockefeller Center and she was rehearsing and I was way in the back and she was up on stage and said “hey Troy I see you up there”! She and I have very special relationship. She’s a Capricorn, I’m a Capricorn and I have been involved with her projects for a long, long, long time. Since you have been in the industry for over two decades, you’ve have been on the frontlines to see the changing landscape of the business. How has social media affected everything? The whole social media and online aspect is such a blessing and is such a curse it’s not even funny. The downside of it is that people are downloading music and we are trying to get them to go buy singles and albums. The benefit of it on the flip side is if you have the right imaging, the right marketing, and you’re out there blasting it out to the world then you can reach hundreds of thousands even millions of people with your artistry. It’s a double-edged sword and you have to take the good with the bad.

boys. My oldest has been the road manager for Cali Swag District for the past three years. This past week he has gone to Europe, Amsterdam, Dubai, and Germany so just to see the second generation being in the music business and travel the world like that because of music makes me very, very proud. I love my kids to death. My middle boy is over at Howard University in his second year and he’s a business finance major there. My daughter wants to be a singer, so I have to get her in the studio. That’s what I enjoy. The keys to success in the music industry... Hire the right people. I have been working at record labels for 22 years and now that I’m totally independent and sitting down meeting with different clients and perspective people to work with the one thing that they always say is they have been burnt by spending $20K here, $30K or $40K there and have nothing to show for it. So the first thing you want to do is hire someone who has the expertise and the knowledge, but more importantly the relationships that can help you build your artistry. The second thing is you have to have good music. At the end of the day it’s about the music. That is what people are going to gravitate to – they will gravitate to the beat, to the hook, and they are going to gravitate to what that artist is saying.

Besides promoting what else do you do to stay busy? I enjoy my kids. I have a fiancée, who has two little boys that I adore and I have a 13-year-old daughter that I’m raising and I have two older

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October 17 - 23, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6

Gearshift: 2013 Mazda CX-5 C-ing is Believing

he all-new 2013 CX-5 crossover utility vehicle from Mazda faces a daunting task – it is replacing not one but two models in the automaker lineup this year as both Tribute and CX-7 have received pink slips. CX-5 is also the first Mazda to take full advantage of the automaker’s new SKYACTIV technology that incorporates powertrain and chassis components working harmoniously. “The 2013 CX-5 is the vehicle compact SUV shoppers have been asking for – that only Mazda can build,” said Jim O’Sullivan, president and CEO, Mazda North American Operations (MNAO). “Poised to join a fast-growing and increasingly competitive segment, the all-new CX-5 offers more than just flash and features. Consumers also receive the performance and driving dynamics that have become synonymous with the Mazda brand. With its SKYACTIV underpinnings and best-in-class fuel economy, CX-5 proves that ‘fun’ needn’t be sacrificed for efficiency and that ‘compact’ doesn’t mean compromise.” I had been looking forward to testing the CX-5 since its introduction and during my wait have seen the new ride garner quite a few accolades

Photos Courtesy: Mazda

By David Goodspeed - dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com

including beating out segment stalwarts in headto-head competition. This is the real deal, this CX-5. While I will miss the turbo four of the CX-7 I am quickly introduced to one of the best on-road driving experiences in a small utility – ever. The CX-5 more than makes up for limited power output by delivering a smooth, well controlled ride that even hints at sporty and delivers at least one big ZOOM of the automaker’s “zoomzoom” philosophy. Making up for the limited power output (155hp) of the new SKYACTIV 2.0-liter inline four-cylinder engine is the delivery of at least 31 mpg on the highway (we averaged more than 33 most of the week in our AWD tester) and that is with the AC on full blast. Mated to the new engine is a sixspeed automatic gearbox with manual shift mode although we found keeping the gear selector in “D” was more than adequate all the time. Our Grand Touring AWD test model rolled on 19-inch wheels and tires and featured four wheel disc brakes, front and rear independent suspension, front and rear stabilizer bars, and electric power assisted steering for fine tuning at all speeds and reduced engine drag.

The level of safety equipment on our CX-5 really surprised me, especially the blind spot warning system on a vehicle in this segment. Mazda also equips CX-5 with dynamic stability control, traction control, hill launch assist, and a full complement of airbags. The CX-5 seats five and rear seat comfort does not take a back seat in the new model with headand legroom more than ample. The new Mazda features all of the latest technology and creature comforts one would expect not only at this level but in a premium vehicle as well.

Mazda did its homework with the CX-5 and delivers a great vehicle. The brand is often overlooked when folks head out to look at new vehicles and that is a shame as so many models in the Mazda stable will stack up against the segment sales leaders. For me, I would take the CX-5 over the Honda CR-V any day of the week and twice on Sunday – it’s that good. Pricing begins at just over 20 grand for a base 2013 CX-5 with our loaded Grand Touring AWD tester rolling in here at $30,415.

.com

Driving Me Crazy

Range Rover

The all-terrain wallet drainer averages $4,214 in repair costs in first five years and above average fuel costs (nearly $22,000 in fuel in five years) due to its 12 MPG.

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Audi A8

Cars That May Break The Bank

Iron Man’s Sunday ride boasts a cringe worthy average of $7,370 in maintenance over five years. No wonder Tony Stark would rather fly.

Nissan GT-R

The $100,000 Nissan will wind up costing you a bit more in the long run with an average of $10,043 in maintenance over a half decade plus a staggering $22,334 in insurance costs for five years.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6 october 17 - 23, 2012

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A: Full! Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing? A: He didn’t have any arms. Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A: A salad shooter. Q: Hear about the bukkake party that was a disaster? A: Nobody came!

Two women go out one night without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my panties...” so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...” The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, “We will never forget you.”

Libra September 23 – October 22 Your spouse fails to find the humor when your box of clown porn is discovered under the bed. Scorpio October 23 – November 21 They say we can’t control the ones we love, but you have that blow up doll doing things no one ever thought possible. Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 This is a good week for romance in the workplace, which is exactly why everyone at the YMCA is nervous.

Blitz Funnys

Girls Night Out

A MEAL TO CRAWL OUT HIS NOSE West Palm Beach, Florida, resident Edward Archbold, 32, ate something which apparently did not agree with him. Friday night, October 5, 2012, he and about 30 other contestants competed in a cockroach eating contest. Shortly after the contest, Archbold died, leaving authorities to wait for an autopsy to determine the official cause of his passing. POLITICIAN SAYS “UP YOUR NOSE” Carme Cristina Lima, 32, campaigning for councilor in Itacoatiara in northern Brazil, allegedly handed out cocaine in

exchange for votes on election day, Sunday (October 7, 2012). Seeing a group crowded around her vehicle, police became suspicious. Looking inside the hundreds of leaflets Lima was distributing, they found each contained a packet of cocaine. POLICING THE POLICE Remember in September 2012, due to growing amounts of crime and corruption, Detroit’s rank and file police force was removed and replaced? Well now, as of October 9, 2012, even the police chief, Ralph Godbee, is fired for having sex with a female officer. Meaning, Detroit’s next chief will be its 10th since 1991, many of which were also forced out due to allegations of wrongdoing.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You have a powerful thirst but you won’t relive it by drinking all that Buffalo Trace, as a matter of fact, you’ll become even more dehydrated.

Aries March 21 – April 19 You’re wasting your potential by living your life as you do now. But you’re wasting even more potential energy by living your life as you do now.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Let’s be honest: You’re the reason the Dallas Cowboys lost last week.

Taurus April 20 – May 20 When you get pulled over next week, do not ask the cop if it will be another warning.

Leo July 23 – August 22 You’ve been wrestling with the idea of being a better person. This Saturday you’ll be wrestling some extreme midgets.

Gemini May 21 – June 21 They say that hard work never hurt anyone, but that was before they knew about you and power tools.

Virgo August 23 – September 22 You’ll get to know DART intimately on Friday when you get hit by a DART bus.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 It’s never too late to make changes in life for the better. Except in your case, where you should be looking into cremation services.

ACROSS 1. Cite 6. Connecting point 10. Kiln-dried grain 14. A kind of macaw 15. God of love 16. Dogfish 17. Harbinger 19. Hazard 20. Not greater 21. Mineral rock 22. Small island 23. Kingdom 25. Units of medicine 26. Close 30. Guiding light 32. Render unnecessary 35. A short novel 39. Douse 40. Expound 41. Kaffir corn 43. Sparrow hawk 44. Emissary

46. Countercurrent 47. O xygen and helium, for example 50. Payola 53. Largest continent 54. Missing In Action 55. Field day 60. Subconscious 61. Nonsectarian 63. Border 64. Identical 65. Run away to wed 66. Clairvoyant 67. Thin strip 68. Feel

Cancer June 22 – July 22 Surprise! Your Facebook friends will throw a surprise party that you won’t be invited to.

DOWN 1. Train track 2. Sea eagle 3. Crazes 4. Twin sister of Ares 5. Formula 1 driver 6. Mesh 7. American songbird 8. Gatekeeper 9. Feudal worker 10. String puppet 11. Awry 12. Fine thread 13. Seizes 18. Metric unit of area 24. Honest ___ Lincoln 25. Birds of peace 26. Gestures of assent 27. River of Spain 28. Affirm 29. Instigator 31. Cypher 33. Pains

34. Goon 36. Piecrust ingredient 37. Misled 38. Friend 42. Sorcerous 43. New Zealand parrot 45. Wound 47. Contests 48. Comment to the audience 49. Burn slightly 51. Enemy 52. Melodies 54. Untidyness 56. Scrabble piece 57. Computer symbol 58. Short sleeps 59. Delight 62. Got together

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October 17 - 23, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6

The CLOSER

Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

Give Me Back My Plate Just when I think my luck is changing, I receive the gift of another peen. Wouldn’t I be used to it by now? Ladies and gents, this one is fresh and I’m still scratching my head. A week ago, I was crushing hard on a new guy. Now, he is basically a dickish little ghost because his ass is as good as gone. I must start out with the positive attributes of this guy. He got my digits from our mutual friend and called me almost immediately after. I appreciated him calling and not starting with that texting crap. He left a very grown-up voice mail. In fact, it almost sounded dad-ish. He seemed eager but not in a desperate way, so I was digging it. We decided to engage in a weekday date and he would pick me up. From the one photo I’d seen of him, he wasn’t necessarily Hottie McBody, but was bookish instead. I adore the bookish ones, so my fingers were crossed he’d be a keeper. From the initial day of correspondence leading up to our date, he texted me every day. We got tangled up in the wittiest banter. I knew I had this lover boy wrapped around my finger and thought, “wait ‘til he sees me in action in my five inch heels.” Eat your heart out bookish boy! I also liked that he rang my doorbell and didn‘t text me from the curb when he arrived. He had reservations scheduled and offered my roommate a firm handshake with strong eye contact. I told him I didn’t know if I should shake his hand or hug him so he grabbed me and offered up a big squeeze. A man with a plan! Plus, he was much more handsome and impressive than the photo. Through out dinner, we are laughing and I’m definitely

feeling the chemistry. I think to myself, “There are no red flags with this one. Maybe he will be the guy who breaks my streak of 545 days without sex.” Yes it’s been that long, but completely by choice I’ll have you know. Plus he complimented me on my figure, eyes and face. Thank you good sir- I accept. We concluded our date and he dropped me off and got out of the car to hug me. He told me to text him any time and I inform him I prefer to let the guy initiate post-date correspondence. He whipped out his phone then and there and texted me the word “initiated.” Ten minutes later, he texted me again, thanking me for such a fun night. Yep, this boy is smitten. A week passes and he’s blowing up my phone every single day. Even when he was out of town on vacation, he was faithfully texting. We plan for a second date and my feelings for him are definitely progressing. If I may be vulnerable for a moment, I have to admit I was sincerely excited about this guy. I described him as the kind of guy I’d been hoping for, but didn’t think really existed. In fact, out of all the guys I’ve dated the past year, he made my heart flutter the most. That was before he decided to be a real piece of work. Our second date went wonderfully. When he picked me up, I gave him a plate of cookies I made in honor of a friend’s visit to town. I was a little hesitant to put them on a plate I knew I wanted returned, just in case the date went horribly. However, I knew we were both into each other so I assumed there’d be a third date followed by many more. As the night progressed, he put his hand on the small of my back, was a little more touchy-feely and got me a little bit drunk. Oh! And I accidentally told him I rarely wear underwear. I promise it came up organically in the conversation, I wasn’t being a little cock tease. But between getting me liquored up and my commando comment, I bet he was thinking I was a sure thing. It’s the end of the date and we arrive in front of my house. He doesn’t budge. I linger for a second just in case he wants to offer up a tiny smooch. Nope. He’s not even going to get out of his car and walk my panty-free ass up to the stoop. I’m a little thrown off, but shake it off, flashing him one more smile and scurry up to my door. As I brushed my teeth, I anticipated a slumber that most likely involved him starring in

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a sex dream. And then I heard my phone ding the sweetest little sound…a text message from him! It was the standard, “Thanks for a fun night…blah blah blah. Get some sleep Ms. Earlybird.” I was slightly concerned about the Earlybird comment and realized I was yawning on the way home in the car. Was it possible he was wanting me to invite him in? Surely not since he didn’t even walk me to the door. I brushed it off, as I recalled him saying he wanted to take me out again and he’d text me the next day. At this point, he had never done anything to disappoint me. So naively, I let my guard down and thought his word was oak. More like rotten, beat to shit oak. The next day passed and no texts. And then came another day with no texts. I was starting to freak out. Was it the underwear comment? Surely not. Wouldn’t that be every guy’s dream? By the third day, I was a wreck, drizzling self-doubt all over myself. I was definitely offended and pretty sad. How could someone be borderline obsessed with you, blow up your phone every day and then suddenly stop? My friend encouraged me to make the first move and send him a text to let him know I was thinking of him. She thought perhaps he thinks I’m not into him since I was yawning on the way home. I gritted my teeth as I typed out the text message, because I feared he would not respond. Luckily, he texted back an hour later and mentioned the cookies I gave him. I thought, “You better return my plate you little gypsy thief!” He kept the convo going that day, but I haven’t heard from him since. So, I am still very baffled. That’s totally cool if you’re not into me and don’t want to pursue me. But even if he despised my personality, wouldn’t he try to get in my pants first? He invested time and money into pursuing me so wouldn’t he want to yield a strong ROI? Perhaps I was such a drag that he can’t muster up the energy to seal the deal in the sack. However, I do feel that I’m owed some form of an explanation. And I sure as hell want my plate back. That’s the last time I let a potential lover enjoy my Betty Crocker skills and my dinnerware. Good riddance to you and your cowardly, bookish ass. You don’t have the decency to say it to my face so piss on you and mail me the damn plate.

The

AnsweR Guy with

Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur, My husband use to consider himself a “social drinker” but it seems like he is socializing a lot more often. Whenever I bring up the subject he gets upset. What do I do? Signed, Gloria Thanks for writing Gloria! One thing that I’ve learned during my drunken nights socializing with the in-crowd and bohemians of the night is that there’s no such thing as a “social drinker!” There is of course those among us who are so hell bent on self-destruction that we’ll do anything to escape familiarity of our friends and family. Strangers tend to be less judgmental and more willing to cheer for the underdogs, even if we’re half-ugly and drunk and speaking Spanish to Middle Eastern housewives. There’s a certain ignorant charm and rhyme to it all that’s both unforgivable and forgivable. Sometimes going home just isn’t an option that we want to explore! Your husband may indeed want to become the Prom King of his local bar, however have you stopped to ask why? We live in an age where digital communication has replaced the awkwardness of actual conversation and human interaction. You can have entire households sitting together in silence glued to their virtual machines of choice, texting and chatting away the night. Or, the scene can be the nightly argument over something that your husband may not deem as important as spending a few minutes in solitude so that he can detox away the day’s stress before putting on his Superman cape and saving your day. Sometimes having that extra time to socialize isn’t such a bad thing. Have I ignored the “drinking” aspect of your question? Nah! I’m just merely pointing out there is always a root cause to any situation. Once you know the CAUSE the SOLUTION is forthcoming! Keep me posted!

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 6 october 17 - 23, 2012

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