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October 31 - November 6, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8 october 31 - November 6, 2012

n OD eck

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

Top Sports Halloween Hooligans

T SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Jerry’s World 4 Big 12 Preview 5 SEC Preview 5 SMU Preview 5 UNT Preview 5 Jason Garrett’s Fate 6 Hoop Dreams 7 AAA Texas 500 Preview 8 Cover Story Dirty Birdies 9 Vote For Me: Through Obama’s Eyes 10 Vote For Me: Through Romney’s Eyes 11 PoliFlicks 11 BLITZ Entertainment Christina 12 Not Just Another Pretty “Radio” Face 13 Crave BW 14 It Girl: Madalina Ghenea 15 Hollywood Profile 16 Respect the Tech 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Pocketful of Peens 18 The Answer Guy 18

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Creative Director Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Chuck Majors

here are some people that you just don’t !#$& with: Chuck Norris, Kimbo Slice and, of course, the Wu-Tang Clan. Throughout the year we take time to celebrate the heroic good-guys in the NFL, but this Halloween let’s focus on the downright dirty players we love to hate. Randy Moss Since joining the NFL 1998, Moss has carried the reputation of a great wide-receiver who will play only when he feels like it. His attitude has placed him firmly in the ranks of diva wide-receivers who are known for disrespecting his QB, coach and team. And much like Terrell Owens, it’s easier for players like him to forget it’s a team effort and blame everyone but themselves. Ndamukong Suh This Detroit Lions defensive tackle has built up a formidable reputation for playing dirty. Last Thanksgiving he soured a national holiday by turf stomping a lineman in front of a national audience. In the first year and half of his career he racked up a whopping $42,500 in fines for three violations. And if his reputation isn’t scary enough for you, if you sign up for the Suh Fan Club on his personal website you’re eligible to win a giveaway (which feels like code for a punch to the face.) Ben Roethlisberger “Big” Ben has certainly turned a corner in recent years. In Super Bowl XLV, he was voted most hated player in the game. Allegations of two separate sexual assaults have plagued the

athlete as he’s attempted to rehab his image. He just seemed like he doesn’t understand how serious the claims were, and offered this apology: “So for all the people who still don’t like me, let me say: ‘I am sorry for all of the raping I have done in the past. I’m going to do my best to not do more raping. I hope we can all move past the raping now. That’s all I will say on the matter.’” Michael Vick Just five short years ago, QB Michael Vick was public enemy #1. His war on Cujo is well documented, but did you know that before the dogfighting he allegedly went by the name “Ron Mexico.” Reports claim that Mr. Mexico used the name at clinics to receive treatment for genital herpes. Catching a disease is certainly not a crime, but Vick settled out of court after being sued by a woman claiming he infected her while knowing his diagnosis.

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New Orleans Saints Bountygate Crew Everyone involved in Bountygate receive an automatic honorable mention for bad behavior. They built a culture that rewarded players for vicious hits and cruelty and forced the country to face the barbaric turn this sport can take. And after it was revealed that the coaches and front office were involved, the country was shocked at the Godfather-like levels of power and money involved. Commissioner Goodell’s only choice was to respond with the most severe punishments for in-game misconduct in the history of the league.

Staff Writers Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Ethan Harmon, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller Contributing Photographers Martin Arete, Joseph Dowling, Steven Doyle, David Fish, A Kato, Joe Lorenzini, Matthew Lynch, Sandy McAnally, Veronica Navarro, Boris Rasin, James D. Smith, DonkeyHotey, Horsey Contributing Writers Cote Bailey, Arthur Bellfield, Jay Betsill, Bruce Cameron, Stephen Evans, Jason Fleck, Vivian Fullerlove, Ethan Harmon, Jan Hubbard, Posie Pocket

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The Election

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October 31 - November 6, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8 Photo Courtesy: James D. Smith

By Jay Betsill – @thefamousjay

Cowboys Rally Falls Short Against the New York Giants

o simply say that the New York Giants won their fourth consecutive visit to Arlington with a 29-24 victory over the Dallas Cowboys does not do the Week 7 NFL contest justice. While it was the 20th time in Eli Manning’s career that the Giants rallied in the fourth quarter to win, it is safe to say it is the first time it has occurred after New York blew an early 23-0 lead. New York led 23-0 just two minutes into the second quarter when Tony Romo’s third of four interceptions was returned for a touchdown by Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul. The Giants would not score again until Lawrence Tynes made a 43-yard field goal with 10:20 left for a 26-24 lead. He would add a 37-yarder with 3 1/2 minutes remaining in the fourth quarter for his fifth field goal of the contest. In between, the Cowboys put on an offensive display with Romo passing for a career-high 437 yards while completing 36-of-62 passes. Tight end Jason Witten broke his own team record with 18 catches, which resulted in 167 yards. According to Elias Sports Bureau, they were the most catches by a tight end in NFL history. Miles Austin had nine catches for 133 yards while Dez Bryant added five catches for 110 yards. After falling down by 23 points, Dallas had clawed back to take a 24-23 and the crowd that had booed the very sight of owner Jerry Jones - when he appeared on the stadium’s huge video board during a breast cancer spot - was back in the game and believing in America’s Team. When Dez Bryant had seemingly caught the game-winning touchdown, the game that could not have began any worse (on the FOX broadcast, Troy Aikman had hinted that perhaps it was time that Romo should be replaced by backup Kyle Orton, if only for this game) was shaping up to be one of the greatest comebacks in the storied franchise’s history. Officials reviewed and overturned Bryant’s apparent 37yard touchdown catch (ruling his hand hit out of bounds) and the crowd booed so loud one had

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to look to see if Jerry Jones was back on the video board. Dallas was unable to get into the end zone and after one last gasp possession, the defending Super Bowl champions found themselves with a commanding lead in the NFC East as the only team in the division with a winning record. “Just tough when you think you’ve won the game,” Romo said. “It switches at that moment. You put a lot into it, obviously. We put a week’s worth (of emotion) in that one game.” Dallas outgained the Giants, 434-293, owned the time of possession, 32:17 to 27:42, and had fewer penalties, three to five. But, the Cowboys’ barrage of six turnovers for the game were simply too much to overcome. “I’m very disappointed right now,” Jones said. “I thought after all that, our defense played well enough, our offense kept going and I thought we were going to get a chance to pull one out.” Next up for Dallas (3-4) is a trip to Atlanta for a date with the undefeated Falcons at 7:20 p.m. on NBC’s Sunday Night Football. The Falcons are 7-0 for the first time in the franchise’s 47year history and fresh off a 30-17 beatdown of the Philadelphia Eagles. Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan finished 22 of 29 for 262 yards and three TDs. Ryan and his targets Roddy White, Julio Jones and Tony Gonzalez should give the Cowboys secondary all they can handle. The Falcons scored on their first six possessions against the Eagles defense and Ryan’s 137.4 passer rating was his highest of the season and the third highest of his career. Offensive Milestones The only Dallas Cowboys with more passing yards in a game than Romo’s 437 against the Giants are Don Meredith (460 in November 1963) and Troy Aikman (455 in November 1998). The only other time the Dallas Cowboys had three 100-yard receivers was November 10, 1963, at San Francisco.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8 october 31 - November 6, 2012

North Texas

SMU SEC BIG 12 Game of the Week Game of the Week By Jason Fleck – jason.fleck@mavs.uta.edu

Bigger Than Texas

his week will feature an all Texas matchup between Texas and Texas Tech in Lubbock. Texas leads the alltime series with a record of 46-15, but that record is almost irrelevant with Tech finally coming into its own when it comes to football. Both teams will come into this game

Photo Courtesy: Matthew Lynch

with the exact same 6-2, 3-2 records, but their seasons tell two completely different stories. Those years when all the Longhorns did was put up points and kept anyone from scoring are long gone. Their offense has struggled at times, but with a defense that can actually keep opponents out of the end zone, they have managed to pull out some pretty big wins. Tech has been a lot better than most would have expected them to be, with their biggest wins so far coming against No. 5 West Virginia and No. 23 TCU, but most recently losing to the No.3 ranked Kansas State Wildcats, in a game they let slip away in the second half. They started out quick but made some big mistakes that would cost them the game. The turning point was the fumble by Seth Doege caused by the Kansas State defense at the end of the first quarter. They would be outscored 52-17 from that point on. They will be looking to repeat the performance they had against West Virginia, but with the way Texas has looked, they probably won’t need to look that good to get this win. While Texas has underachieved so far, going 0-2 against ranked opponents so far this season and having to comeback to win two games on their final drives. Their most recent final drive win coming against a bottom-feeding Kansas team, in which backup QB Case McCoy took the reins and led his team on a 70 yard drive and connected with D.J. Grant for the game winning 1-yard touchdown with 12 seconds remaining. Question marks have floated around this team all season. At the start of the season it was the question of who their starting quarterback would be, now that question may come up again with McCoy producing two quick touchdown drives to get them bowl eligible. All season long there have been the questions about turnovers and making tackles. With their season looking to end in disappointing turmoil, they need this win especially with a tough Iowa State team, TCU, and Kansas State remaining on their schedule after this game. A loss would be devastating and could cause them to end with a miserable 6-6 record. Game Info: TEXAS vs. #20 TEXAS TECH SAT. NOV. 3 – 2:30PM / ABC JONES AT&T STADIUM

By Stephen Evans – comments@blitzweekly.com

Saturday Night in Death Valley

hen is a college football game bigger than just a game? When ESPN requests 48 credentials, which is in addition to those requested by the local ESPN radio affiliate and the local ESPN-branded team website. In fact, the Worldwide Leader will devote every page of an upcoming edition of ESPN The Magazine to this year’s LSU-Alabama tilt. And oh yeah, the gang from ESPN’s College Gameday will also be broadcasting live from Baton Rouge all day Saturday. Such is what this SEC rivalry has developed into - a super-hyped, over-analyzed week of build-up that no game can ever really live up to. But there are huge stakes surrounding this bayou showdown, and each team knows this game will have huge ramifications on the ultimate outcome of this season. For the Crimson Tide, this contest represents the biggest speed bump in their race for a second straight national championship and a third in four seasons. For LSU, Saturday’s game provides an opportunity for the Tigers to take back the swagger that was ripped

Mustangs Mean Green

Frank LaCosta – flacosta@blitzweekly.com

Bring on the Knights

Getting Ready for Homecoming

he Mustangs have found their offense for the second straight week and have put up impressive numbers. They won the turnover battle once again by recovering two Memphis Tiger fumbles. The kicking game came through with three Chase Hover field goals and successfully converted five PATs. QB Garrett Gilbert for the first time this season performed well and didn’t have any interceptions. However the game ball for the second straight week goes to the defense. With the aforementioned fumble recoveries and holding the Tigers to only 4 of 13 third down conversions the defense looks like a strong unit. This was another game in which SMU took the lead and never played from behind. The aerial attack orchestrated by QB Gilbert appears to be coming into its own. Against

Photo Courtesy: Joseph Dowling

Photo Courtesy: Martin Arete

from their souls in January’s 21-0 debacle in the national championship game. LSU has not quite been the same since, despite still being one of the elite teams in college football. Even bigger, the SEC’s streak of six straight national championships could be in jeopardy Saturday night. If the Tigers can pull off the upset, it could land a major blow to the SEC’s chances for a seventh straight championship, even if one or both teams were to win out the remainder of the season. That’s heady stuff, but if the Tigers are to pull the upset, it will take another dominant defensive effort and an offensive output unlike any we have seen from that struggling unit this season. Victories for visiting teams on a Saturday night in Death Valley are about as rare as a still undecided voter in Tuesday’s upcoming presidential election. But Nick Saban has his program on an unprecedented roll that even the Tiger Stadium mystique will be hardpressed to derail. It all sets up for an epic showdown between the Tigers and the Tide. Let the hype begin. Game Info: #1 ALABAMA vs #5 LSU SAT. NOV. 3 – 7:00PM / CBS TIGER STADIUM

Memphis, Gilbert put up respectable numbers by completing 25 of 35 attempts for 353 yards and a touchdown. He spread the ball around to six different receivers. The “Johnson and Johnson” duo combined for 15 of those completions for 207 yards with WR Darius Johnson having a big day including a 70-yarder. Gilbert also used his legs in this one by providing two TDs in the red zone. Zach Line continues to be the workhorse for the rushing attack. He carried the rock 23 times for 127 yards and found the end zone once. The success on offense can be directly linked to the o-line which protected Gilbert well and opened holes for Line throughout the game. This week the Mustangs go on the road for a pivotal match up with the Central Florida Knights. The Knights have a potent offense and put up a lot of points. They are led by QB Blake Bortles who is methodical in the passing game. Look for him to target wideouts J.J. Worton and Rannell Hall. Their two-headed rushing attack will also ground and pound. Senior Latavius Murray has back-to-back 100+ rushing games. When he needs a breather the Knights will turn to Storm Johnson. Like it or not, this game will come down to SMU’s defense. If the Mustangs can win this one, they’ll be looking forward to a bowl game and building some serious momentum. A loss here and SMU will be on the outside looking in. Game Info: SMU vs UCF SAT. NOV. 3 – 6:00PM / CBS SPORTS NETWORK BH NETWORKS STADIUM

ith four games remaining this season, UNT sports a 2-2 Sun Belt Conference record which is their lone positive at this point. Their 3-5 overall record is a much more telling story. The team has yet to put up con-

Photo Courtesy: Sandy McAnally

secutive wins nor find any consistency that is needed. The loss to Middle Tennessee hurt the program in many ways. Instead of building on their nationally televised win over the Ragin’ Cajuns, the Mean Green followed up with sloppy play. They doubled the Blue Raiders in penalties and penalty yardage. Whereas Middle Tennessee played turnover free football, UNT had four of them – three interceptions and a fumble. By halftime, the Mean Green were in a 24-0 hole only to watch the deficit increase to 31 before getting on the scoreboard. The end result was a 38-21 loss for UNT. So much for momentum… Football is a team sport, but when your starting QB has three interceptions on the day; the burden put on the whole team is simply too much. Derek Thompson only completed 17 of 29 attempts for 221 yards and a TD which isn’t enough for this team. The Mean Green did find success on the ground. The stable of running backs put up over 200 yards rushing. Brandin Byrd continues to be the featured back and Antoinne Jimmerson still has the hot hand (two rushing touchdowns). Jeremy Brown rushed the ball six times for 50 yards on the day. It was too little, too late. Arkansas State is a pass first oriented team. QB Ryan Aplin makes great decisions with the ball. He’s only thrown two interceptions all season. Even against superior defenses he completes over half his passes. In the three games RB David Oku has been kept out of the end zone this season the Red Wolves have suffered losses. He’s a sound back and hard to tackle. WR J.D. McKissic is clearly Aplin’s primary target. He leads the team in receptions and yardage. This week’s homecoming game against Arkansas State is “make or break” for the Mean Green. The scheduling gods didn’t do them any favors with Louisiana-Monroe and Western Kentucky to end the season on the road. UNT needs to win their home games to squeak into a bowl. That would be a huge accomplishment for McCarney and his staff. Game Info: ARKANSAS STATE vs. UNT SAT. NOV. 3 – 4:00PM APOGEE STADIUM

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October 31 - November 6, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8

Should He Stay or Should He Go? Jason Garrett’s Fate By Jan Hubbard - comments@blitzweekly.com

hen he first took over as head coach of the Dallas Cowboys, Jason Garrett wanted to make sure ever yone understood that he was indeed the man. The first time the Cowboys lined up in the tunnel before the game, Garrett positioned himself in front of the team and jogged ahead of them as they took the field. That is very unusual for a head coach. At best, he demonstrated that he was the new man at charge. At worst, it was incredibly arrogant to think that somehow, he is more important than the players. Garrett has continued that practice and if the results had been a little better, it might be something we could admire. You know, there goes Jason Garrett and the Cowboys. There goes Jason Garrett, the respected and beloved leader. It does seem, however, that Garrett is much more accomplished at being a symbol of leadership than actually being a leader. In losing to the Giants on Sunday, the Cowboys are 3-4 with road trips to Atlanta next week to play the unbeaten Falcons and Philadelphia the week after that. The Eagles are as inconsistent as the Cowboys so Dallas has a chance in that one, but if the Cowboys are 3-5 going into the game, how good are their chances of making the playoffs or – as Jerry Jones has stated publicly – compete for a championship? Some make fun of Jerry’s enthusiasm, but I enjoy it. You can look at Cowboys Stadium and see that Jerry dreams big, so why not dream of a title? But Jones is going to face a harsh reality at the end of the season and I wonder what he is going to do. Jerry just turned 70 earlier this month. Although it wouldn’t be surprising to see him live to be 100, you have to wonder if his patience of waiting for Garrett to be as good of a football coach as he was a student at Princeton is running thin. Jones has always put Garrett on a pedestal, undoubtedly impressed by Garrett’s intellect and Ivy League background. Garrett was also a player who overachieved – how many quarterbacks from Princeton make the NFL, even as a reserve? But when you watch the Cowboys play so sloppy with pre-snap penalties, infractions on important plays, dropped passes and bad routes

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run, you have to wonder how much of it is coaching. Isn’t part of a coach’s job to instill discipline? Aren’t silly penalties and broken plays the result

Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

of a lack of discipline? Are there any repercussions for stupid plays? Would Bill Parcells, Jimmy Johnson or Tom Landry have just shrugged their shoulders and spouted some platitudes about getting better? Or would they have blistered the players? At the end of the season, Jones will have given Garrett two full years and you have to think that a record below or even close to .500 will dampen even Jerry’s enthusiasm for Garrett’s potential. Will he look at Garrett and still believe Garrett will evolve as a head coach? Will he look at Garrett and believe that he is the guy who can win a Super Bowl? Or will Jones reach the conclusion that those of us with far less invested have reached? That Jason Garrett is not a head coach. That he may not even be accomplished enough to be an offensive coordinator. That at best, Garrett might be a decent quarterback coach. Critics may fault Jerry on a number of issues, but not for his willingness to spend whatever it takes to pursue a championship. At the end of the season, we’ll see the conclusion Jerry has reached on Garrett. Can he lead the Cowboys to a championship soon? Or is his leadership nothing more than symbolic?

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8 october 31 - November 6, 2012

By Geoff Case - gcase@blitzweekly.com

Mavs open with limited options

o Dirk Nowitzki for 4-6 weeks means the Mavs will be behind the 8-ball offensively when the season starts. The last few weeks of preseason has seen some key players that were going to help weather the storm get dinged up and even released. What does all this mean? We may be giving Eddie Curry significant minutes? Grab a tissue Mavs fans, the injury bug just feasted on the roster. We are going to take a look at who’s missing, who’s gone and who is coming to the rescue. Let’s break down who the key players the Mavs will be missing when the season opens on Tuesday against the Lakers. (Sans Nowitzki) Chris Kaman - Center The Mavs center was deemed inactive for Tuesday night’s game in LA meaning questions are arising about the pivotal position. Throughout Kaman’s career the one thing that has kept him from being an elite player is his ability to stay healthy for 82 games. Kaman has missed the last three games while nursing a strained right calf. The 7-footer also missed a few days of practice earlier in camp due to a sprained back. Timetable to recover: Day to day Delonte West – Shooting Guard The team released the tough and feisty guard last week. “We have suspended D e l o n t e for conduct detrimental to the team,” GM Donnie Nelson said “The suspension is effective immediately and no other statements will be issued.” While the Mavs remained tight lipped about the reasons behind the departure the Mavs are losing a key veteran in their rotation. The amount of playing time for Rodrigue Beaubois and Dominique Jones will increase as a result. The Mavs are losing a solid perimeter defender and scorer. Delonte tweeted shortly after he was released: “I love the city of Dallas, I love playin [sic] in the NBA,’’ he writes. “If I’m not what u lookin 4, that’s fine. Just dont kick me in my ass on the way out the door. I didn’t do anything to deserve that...” “I’m just sittin here across from the

arena wit tear in my eyes.’’ Timetable to recover: Never. Recent Signings: Eddie Curry – Center Eddie Curry was signed by the Mavs last week after he was released from the Spurs. Curry’s NBA career has been a comedy of errors and tragedies since 2009. However, with Brendan Wright, Chris Kaman and Dirk Nowitzki down, Curry may actually see extended playing time initially. He actually looked pretty effective in his limited minutes in the pre-season. I feel I’m in a good situation,” Curry told the San Antonio Express-News. “I worked hard this summer. Every game it’s just about showing everybody what I can do. I’m trying to focus on defense and rebounding, trying to play in the system and soak up as much as I can. The 7-footer had seven rebounds and was 4 of 8 shooting, including a nifty layup to finish a break early in the third. Who can help? Jae Crowder - Forward (Rookie) This rookie has been playing like a seasoned veteran since the start of the preseason. The Mavericks got another scare Friday when standout rookie Jae Crowder left Friday’s game with an apparent hamstring injury. It doesn’t appear, however, that the injury is serious so Mavs fans can breathe a sigh of relief. Crowder, who expected to open the regular season as the starting small forward, grabbed his hamstring and walked off the court with just a minute left against Charlotte. After the game, he said he was fine and the injury scared him more than anything. “It didn’t pop or anything. It just got pulled a little bit,” Crowder said according to DallasNews.com. The fact Crowder was apparently able to escape without injury is a big boost for the Mavericks. Crowder has played well during the preseason, averaging 11.4 points per game. He will be one of the biggest surprises of the NBA season and I believe will play a big role early.

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October 31 - November 6, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8

NASCAR Comes to Town

he AAA Texas 500 is the eighth race in the Chase for the NASCAR Sprint Cup, one of the last three races on the chase to the championship. Tony Stewart turned victory in the AAA Texas 500 into the key point on the timeline to the 2011 Sprint Cup championship. Stewart set the pace for 173 tours of “The Great American Speedway!” and capitalized when leader Jeff Burton ran out of fuel with five laps remaining. Stewart edged title contender Carl Edwards by 1.092 seconds at the checkered flag for his second Texas Sprint Cup victory. With four races left in the season Jimmie Johnson’s Sprint Cup Series championship is his to lose. His victory this past weekend at Martinsville placed him in the lead for the Sprint Cup. Johnson’s team just seems to put it all together, bringing consistent performance during varying track and weather conditions. Had Johnson not made mistakes earlier in the season, he’d be leading by a larger margin. In second place for the chase is Brad Keselowski who has earned respect as a serious title contender. At least right now, he has only two less points than Johnson. Also worth considering, Keselowski has made more trips to victory lane this year than Johnson. The Penske Racing driver trails Johnson by two points heading into Sunday’s AAA Texas 500 at Texas Motor Speedway. Keselowski is desperately trying to hang on as the year winds down.

By Bruce Cameron - @BlitzWeekly

Sitting 71 points out of first place with only three races left makes winning Texas a “spiritual” victory. Matt Kenseth – Matt won his second race of the Chase, but still remains way back in the standings. He is a very consistent driver at this track. He won here in April. Kenseth also won in Charlotte in October. Don’t be surprised if Kenseth wins again at Texas. Truck and Nationwide Series Home state native James Buescher, who started his racing career in Legends Cars at Texas Motor

On Sunday, prior to the race, the Eli Young band, which is considered one of country music’s fastestrising groups along with its hit single “Even If It Breaks Your Heart,” will return to North Texas where the group’s popularity started several years ago. The Eli Young band will take center stage on the front stretch at 12:20 p.m. and will perform an hour-long concert that will precede the eighth race in the Chase for the NASCAR Sprint Cup AAA Texas 500 race that starts at 2 p.m. Speedway, secured The Dallas Morning News Qualifying Day pole position at the last WinStar World Casino 350k with a lap of 181.062 mph. The young talent in the Camping World Truck Series served notice as Austin Dillon and Blake Feese trailed Buescher. Also last year, Trevor Bayne continued setting personal career highlights when he captured his first NASCAR Nationwide Series victory in the O’Reilly Auto Parts Challenge. Bayne nipped veteran Denny Hamlin by 0.142 seconds to earn the Victory Lane visit with Carl Edwards third in the 300-miler highlighted by 11 lead changes.

Who to Watch For: Jimmie Johnson – Coming from a victory last week, see Johnson give his all to pull away from other chase contenders. Brad Keselowski – The Chase contender has a the most victories of the season. He drove smart last weekend, preserving a small distance between himself and Johnson in the standings. Tony Stewart – Stewart won last year’s Chase and would like to get another win this season. Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Thursday Eric McClure, 10 a.m. - noon, Tom Thumb, 101 Trophy Lake Drive, Trophy Club Eric McClure, 1-3 p.m., Walmart, 1601 W. State Highway 114, Grapevine Elliott Sadler, 2 p.m., Walmart, 4104 State Highway 121, Bedford. Wristbands available at 10 a.m. at Coca-Cola Simulator in parking lot. Bobby Labonte, 6:30-7:30 p.m., Tom Thumb, 101 Trophy Lake Drive Friday Elliott Sadler, 11 a.m., One Main Financial, 6548 Lake Worth Blvd., Lake Worth Dale Earnhardt Jr., 7 p.m., Billy Bob’s, 2520 Rodeo Plaza, Fort Worth. Visit www. clickedin.com/dalejr to enter for a meet-andgreet. 15-minute Q&A follows.

Earnhardt is Back Dale Earnhardt Jr. returned to the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series last weekend at Martinsville (Va.) Speedway after being medically cleared for competition. Since being diagnosed with a concussion following the Oct. 7 race at Talladega, Ala., Earnhardt has participated in a rehabilitation program and has been cleared to return to the track. Earnhardt currently ranks 12th in the Chase for the NASCAR Sprint Cup. He did not compete in the Cup events at Charlotte Motor Speedway and Kansas Speedway after being diagnosed with a concussion. Regan Smith filled in for Earnhardt at both tracks. Past performance at Texas would suggest that Dale Jr. will not be a top finisher Sunday.

Driver Appearances

Entertainment The Wild Asphalt Circus is coming to town. In addition to the wild race action on the asphalt, fans also will be treated to a wide range of entertainment associated with the theme that will range from the newly formed “No Limits” Thrill Riders to high divers to popular musical acts. This new theme has circus performers in wagons filled with various circus items, big-top concession food and t-shirts featuring the new look. A sneak preview of the “No Limits” Wild Asphalt Circus for fans will come at the upcoming AAA Texas 500 NASCAR tripleheader weekend scheduled for Nov. 1-4. The Circus will be operational from 1-11pm on Friday and Saturday.

Saturday Aric Almirola, 3:15-4:15 p.m., Brookshire’s Campground Store, TMS Sunday Bobby Labonte, 9:15-10 a.m., Brookshire’s Campground Store, TMS

Photos Courtesy: Joe Lornezini

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8 october 31 - November 6, 2012

Dirty Birdies Hilarious Political Scandals By Cote Bailey - @BlitzWeekly

ne of my favorite things about the political system is the inevitability of someone using their appointed office to get laid. It’s as American as making a movie about putting your Johnson into a warm apple pie. So, when it came down to choosing some of the best political trysts that found congressmen, senators, even a President with their pants around their ankles the list was unbelievably long. Here are some of my favorites: Mark “See Ya in Argentina” Sanford The former South Carolina governor wanted to spice up his life, but instead of heading to Chipotle he decided to start banging Argentinean journalist Maria Belen Chapur, which would have been awesome had he not been married at the time. Things got bad for Sanford when he disappeared from June 18 to June 24, 2009 and gained national news coverage only to discover that he was in Buenos Aires shacking up.

Bill “Devil in a Splooge Dress” Clinton In 1998 the President met a white house intern that must have known a thing or two about nostalgia because who else wouldn’t clean a dress that had been painted with Chelsea’s potential siblings? But all is well that ends well because Clinton is still one of the most beloved presidents ever and Monica is known for being on the receiving end of one of the most famous facials in political history. Eliot “Love Potion No. 9” Spitzer What’s a sex scandal check list without Elie Spitz? The Emperors Club VIP Hall of Famer knew how to stimulate the economy. In 2008, Spitzer then Governor of NY spent $15,000 over six months with elite-class prostitutes, but things came crashing down when Client-9’s dirty laundry was published by the US Federal Court. Spitzer subsequently resigned. John “Screw the Pink Ribbon” Edwards

Larry “Wide Stance” Craig In one of the most hilarious excuses of political sex scandal history, then Idaho senator Larry Craig when arrested for lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport restroom for looking for a little bathroom booty time by tapping his right foot in the stall next to him. The disgraced and highly embarrassed Craig while being questioned told officers that he was up to no wrong doing and just was “a fairly wide guy.” Thus the legend of Wide Stance Larry was born.

There are guys who are dirt and then there is a class of subterranean douches like John Edwards. During the time when his wife of 33 years announced she was dying of breast cancer, the North Carolina senator thought that his time would best be served behind a campaign aide and father a child. In 2010 it came to light that there was even a sex tape. RIP Elizabeth Edwards, hopefully now you’re in a douchebag free place.

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Anthony “Have You Seen My” Weiner

Art Courtesy: A Kato

Oh irony, how we love you so. How awesome is it that a guy with the last name Weiner gets in trouble for showing it? The former congressman had a thing for finding chicks on Twitter and wagging his last name all over the place much to the chagrin of his pregnant wife Huma Abedin, Hilary Clinton’s chief of staff. Once the Weenie was roasted resignation was the only option.

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Vote For Me

October 31 - November 6, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8

By Ethan Harmon - eharmon@blitzweekly.com

Through Obama’s Eyes

onestly, I was a little worried about this election for a while. After Romney started picking up steam, I thought I might have to try and pull out all of the big guns on this one. Then he started talking, flipping sides, and he picked Paul Ryan for his vice presidential candidate. Paul Ryan! Why not just pick Palin again so we can all share a laugh? Seriously, what was he thinking? Anyway, let’s move on to the big topics. It’s true that the economy isn’t where it should be, but we are on a slow recovery. We will be able to slowly build this country back to its original greatness by establishing American jobs here, locally. No outsourcing for us. (Did you hear Mitt outsourced his butler? How do you even do that?). We need to let the Bush tax cuts for those making under $200,000 a year to expire and raise taxes on the rich. You know, the Rom-

Art Courtesy: DonkeyHotey

erything? His magical undies must have special powers or something if he thinks that will work. Our armed forces are where they should be: protecting our country. We don’t need to add to our debt by pouring more money into building warships. And we certainly do not need more horses and bayonets (man that was a good zinger). We don’t need to endanger more soldiers than we need to. That’s why we

Super PACmen It has been donor madness this election season. Checkout some of the biggest names with their wallets waged on victory. Priorities USA Action Backing: Obama Generated: $50+ million Notable Donors James Simons $3.5 million Fred Eychaner $3.5 million

neys of this country. Why should they get more breaks for making more than most Americans? And what’s the deal with his “20% cuts across the board?” How does that even make sense? Everyone gets reductions and that just fixes ev-

Let’s touch on some other very important matters. Contraceptives should be available to women who are covered by health plans. Cutting funding for Planned Parenthood would be a big mistake. (I’m sure Rush Limbaugh would have a field day hearing me say that). I believe that immigrants that are born within our boarders should be given an equal opportunity in our nation. Building a wall just sounds silly. It worked against the Mongols when, you know, cars, jets, and boats didn’t exist. More funding and rewards should be provided for our edu-

Restore Our Future Backing: Romney Generated: 115+ million Notable Donors Bob Perry $10 million Sheldon & Miriam Adelson $10 million

Majority PAC Backing: Liberals Generated: $25+ million Notable Donors James Simons $3 million

American Crossroads Backing: Conservatives Generated: $68+ million Notable Donors Harold Simmons $13.5 million Bob Perry $6.5 million

have drones. They don’t put lives at risk and they tear everything apart Michael Bay style. Oh, and did I mention that our forces took down Osama bin Laden under my presidency? That has to earn me extra brownie points.

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cational system. We need teachers to educate our youth so that they may potentially become successful. With a little luck, our current students and future workers might build something (see what I did there?). As far as marriage goes,

I believe that same-sex unions should be allowed, but the states have the final say. But seriously, come on! If couples want to get married, whether they are same-sex or not, they should be able to do as they please. Oh, and one last thing: Obamacare baby! Remember how everyone used to complain that the US didn’t have universal health care? Yeah, I fixed that. Who do you want in the White House? Do you want a lying insecure man with no plan? Or do you want me, the remarkably photogenic president? I think the answer is clear. I’m doing my best to better our country, and I think I’ve done well putting things into motion. Also, this is like Highlander: there can be only one. My reference is better. Forget about Romney and vote Obama!

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8 october 31 - November 6, 2012

Through Romney’s Eyes

PoliFLICKS

Memorable Movie Presidents Mays Gilliam Elected in: Head of State (2003) Chances of Re-election: Slim. Blinging out Mount Rushmore with your bust is generally frowned upon. President Skroob Elected in: Spaceballs (1987) Chances of Reelection: None. His planet was destroyed and he was forced to live on the Planet of the Apes…pretty sure that’s classified as a failed term. Tug Benson Elected in: Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993) Chances of Re-election: High. The guy had a lighsaber battle royale with Saddam Hussein and gave one of the most badass lines in cinema history, “We’ll settle this the old Navy way. The first guy to die, loses!”

Art Courtesy: Boris Rasin & VectorPortal

ell, I was going to get my butler to write this speech for me, but I outsourced his job last week, so I guess I’m on my own on this one. Look, we all know that I’m the right man for the job. I keep hearing that I’m part of the 1% and that I can’t relate to averageeveryday Americans. This isn’t the case. I put on my shoes and drive my Aston Martin to work just like everyone else. See? Totally average American. I have big plans for this country. The first of which is, well, to make a big plan. After I do that, I’m going to tackle the big issues. “What big issues?” you say. First, I’m going to take care of the economy. Obama keeps promising that the economy is slowly recovering and that over time more jobs will be available. Well, that’s nice Mr. President, but we want the country to be better, now! He had his four years to fix the economy. He failed! When I become president, I’m putting into motion a way to get us back on our feet in eight to ten years. Why eight? Because I’ll be re-elected, of course. How does that sound? Pretty good, huh? Taxes are becoming a huge problem for the American public. Middle class families – you know, the ones making between $100,000 to $250,000 a year – are paying high taxes. That’s unfair to these average income earners. It’s even

worse for the poor – those making under $100,000 a year. And the rich are being taxed like crazy! I mean, how are they going to spend their money if they are paying high taxes? Paul Ryan and I have a solution for that. We are going to cut taxes by 20% across the board. You heard that right. Everyone gets a 20% cut. Guess what? It will completely balance the budget. How? Well, I would tell you, but there is a lot of math involved (a lot!) and it gets really complicated. Trust me; you don’t want to know the details. It’s boring stuff. And who wants to hear about math anyway? No one likes math. Speaking of math, I came up with a great idea during my last debate with the President. I said that I would add $100 billion to the Pentagon budget to strengthen our armed forces, which would increase troops and warships. The president said, “We have less ships, but we also have

less bayonets and horses.” I know that! In order to fight terror, and to balance the budget, we need to give more money for the

armed forces. Now let’s talk about the smaller stuff. I’d like to cut funding to Planned Parenthood. I want to increase security for our boarders. I’m talking a huge fence. I’d like to lessen control of our educational systems and let the states have the right to do as they wish (like what Wisconsin did). As for marriage, let’s keep it man and woman. Oh, and let’s get rid of this Obamacare garbage. It’s confusing and everyone hates it. Also, it’s named after Obama. That title is a little pretentious, don’t you think? Look, we all know I’m going to win this thing by a landslide. I’m the best fit for the position, and I will say whatever I need to so that you believe me. This is Thunderdome: two men enter and only one leaves. I’ll be the one that leaves victorious, flashing my fantastic smile and sporting my magic underwear. Say NObama and vote Romney!

“the President” Elected in: Escape from New York (1981) Chances of Re-election: No chance in hell. Crime is up 400% and Manhattan is bursting at the seams with criminals…hey wait a minute. James Dale Elected in: Mars Attacks! (1996) Chances of Re-election: None. He was killed in peace negotiations with the Martians before we realized that listening to Slim Whitman’s “Indian Love Call” makes their big green heads burst like a soda in the microwave. Pity, we like that song. Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho Elected in: Idiocracy (2006) Chances of Re-election: None. His permness’ reign of Gatorade plant watering and pile-driving opponents was over when his second in command took over the job.

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October 31 - November 6, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8

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QUICKLY BECOMING FAMOUS LATE NITE MENU ON THUR - FRI - SAT AFTER 10PM See more of Christina and others at Blitzweekly.com Model: Christina Photography Courtesy: David Fish / www.davidfish.com Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Christina

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8 october 31 - November 6, 2012

Not Just Another Pretty “Radio” Face

veryone wants to find that cool moment of musical escapism away from the corporate radio giants and plug into something unique enough to call their own, and the online radio station DeepEllumOnAir. com (DEOA) provides that and much more. DEOA has established a strong social media presence, as well as, community support that few stations can match. Some of the shows featured on DEOA are D-Town Reggaeton, Dark Side Sports Radio, Star Struck, and Hungover with V! Blitz Weekly spoke with the show’s host, Veron-

By Arthur Bellifeld - arthur@blitzweekly.com

ica Navarro, to find out what makes her show popular. BW: What do you think separates your show from various other Internet radio shows, and DFW radio as a whole? V: Hungover With V is as “real” as it can get. We don’t rehearse what we’re going to say and we don’t censor ourselves. The show was meant to support local artists and the culture of Deep Ellum, and that’s what we do. Every single show will offer you something different and original. It really is a candid look into the underground music scene. Most people will spend their whole lives never even knowing it exists. Our goal is to show them that it does. BW: Who have been your favorite guests so far? V: Matthew Posey from The Ochre House. He was voted by D Magazine as being one of the best theater writers in Dallas. I’m sort of his stalker. He’s the ultimate artist and he’s been so supportive and really encouraged me to keep Hungover With V as authentic as it is. My favorite local artists who I believe will

Photos Courtesy: Veronica Navarro

be the new wave of good music include Derek Comley and the Ill Caminos, Ha-Foo, The Analog Robot, The Unlikely Candidates, and that’s just to name a few. If you want to know more, I suggest watching the show. You never know what new discovery we’ve made. BW: You’ve been known to drink alcohol while filming your show. What is your drink of choice? And, do you think drinking before church lets out, should be part of the religious experience? V: I’m a beer girl, no doubt. Anything that’s free is my favorite. As far as local brewers go,

I’m a big fan of Deep Ellum Brewing Co. Those guys definitely know their beers and I have fun drinking them. We also do a monthly beer show on the station called “Bottoms Up” which is shot at World Beer Company. Now, I still don’t have an official beer sponsor but I am currently taking applications. And I was raised catholic, beer was always a part of the religious experience. BW: Finally, shameless plug time...why should people tune in to your show? V: If you’re not laughing out loud and falling in love with new and original artists while watching the show, shoot me an email and I’ll happily buy you a beer.

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October 31 - November 6, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8

By Steven Doyle - www.cravedfw.com Dallas loves new restaurants, and the month of October saw many new hot spots with the trend extending through into November. We filtered through some of the very best new restaurants as a personal guide to the very best. Put your eatin’ pants and enjoy the journey.

damn it is really that good. Look for an unusual cut of Wagyu called Spinalis which is the meaty cap of the rib eye. Still wanting to enjoy the view but wanting to save a few bucks? Take a spot at the bar and order from that special menu.

Boulevardier is a beautiful French bistro located in the Bishop Arts District in Oak Cliff, and has quickly become one of the hottest restaurants in the Dallas area. Chef Nathan Tate is cranking out high end cuisine at compelling prices. We loved the lamb neck, a meat pile of simmered meat that is moist and large enough to share. Start with amazing appetizers such as the crawfish beignets and a rotating selection of incredible oysters, grilled or raw. The bar is thumping. Tried and True is a fun new spot owned by the same chef who operates Neighborhood Services and Off Site Kitchen. In the small space there is a pool table, and foosball that is paired with a large ration of bar snacks. The menu is large, hearty and extremely affordable for a fun date night or just kicking back with friends. The cocktail and beer selection is incredible. FT33 is the brainchild of Dallas hot shot chef Matt McCallister who was previously the exec at Stephan Pyles. Located in the Design District

Sissy’s Southern Kitchen and Bar has been open for business for several months and continues to crank out fun low country cuisine such as fried chicken sold by the bucket and shrimp and grits. Located on Henderson Avenue the restaurant remains as busy as many of the top Boulevardier crawfish beignets Photo Courtesy: Steven Doyle restaurants in the corridor. The cocktails are gentrified FT33 is a high end restaurant for everyone. as the surroundings which beckon guests back Fanciful plated entrees reflect McCallister’s bent to a time when hospitality was at its peak. We on the artistic and whimsical. Be there no doubt really dig the amazing side dishes. that these dishes are substantial at the same time. The wine list is bold and the cocktails are cool. You will spot this season’s Top Chef contestant Ocho Kitchen+Cocktails is the new generation of Mexican in a city full of poor choices Josh Valentine on pastry duty. of sloppy refried beans and oily enchiladas. SER Steaks+Sprits replaced Nana atop the Everything at Ocho is hand-crafted, even down Anatole as their flagship restaurant. Boasting the to the freebie chips everyone so enjoys. The 8 finest view in Dallas, the restaurant is weeks old Bar above the restaurant has a secret entry from and a shining star on the top steak house route. the parking garage to usurp the valet stand and This restaurant isn’t for the squeamish in wallet, but for discrete get-a-ways. The fish tacos are massive and affordable. This place is for the sexy people. Look for a few new restaurants that are opening this week including Stephan Pyles latest incarnation, Stampede 66 which promises a cool taco bar and fine Texas dining. John Tesar will soon open his new spot called Spoon. Tesar does some amazing things with seafood, and he promises nothing short of the very best. We did sample his version of French fries, the potato soufflé which is a puffy crunch of potato.

CRAVEdfw Sissy’s Southern Kitchen Photo Courtesy: Steven Doyle Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8 october 31 - November 6, 2012

Ma dal Ghe ina nea nian Roma r u o lina, Mada t s e r r dea use To ou ss, ll beca first e w e u c n o pri en we finds y letter autiful. Wh e the one. s i h t be pe er d We ho e find you that you w uty lips, an w w o well… u we knew es, those p hen we sa T d o y . y n saw beautiful e re smitten iCaprio a e d D n e Thos egs – we w Leonardo on mask a u l r f i o e o rm thos in an nic. Then y r, n the a t man you o to put tha ith the Tita erard Butle s d w wante im to sleep gain with G ding citizen e i h a t d sen our hear are law ab his ass. Sur v e i e n l k o w d e bro or him l rocknrolla vie stars an now f y l i k o al ek luc with m but w ’d go in or we n canoodle wood life, right here y . l you ca esome Hol ant to be e love, BW w u an aw down you our one tr y deep Texas with h Nort u ove Yo L e W P.S.

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October 31 - November 6, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8

Hollywood Profile Wayne White By Vivian Fullerlove - vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com

rtist, cartoonist, set designer, illustrator, Wayne White is a Renaissance man in every sense imaginable. Whether you recognize the name or not, you have most certainly grown up knowing his work. White received three Emmy awards for his work in set design on Pee Wee’s Playhouse, and his other television credits include production and set design for Shining Time Station, Riders in the Sky, The Weird Al Show and Beakman’s World. He also received a Billboard Music Award for Best Art Direction for Peter Gabriel’s video Big Time. His world of 3-D paintings and landscapes, gynormous puppet caricatures and self-described thrift store word paintings are the subject of a new documentary Beauty is Embarrassing. I had the pleasure of talking with White about the documentary and being persistent about your passion.

to the surface and we feel not worthy almost humbled by it and that sense of vulnerability is kind of an embarrassing situation to be in. Number two, beautiful people who are born beautiful like supermodels, are real self-entitled jerks. They don’t handle beauty too well. Their personalities aren’t so great, and human beings just can’t handle personal beauty, it turns them into people whose behavior is embarrassing. Thirdly, is the fact that artists are people who make beauty. You can really define an artist by that, but you can’t go around saying that. You can’t go around introducing yourself as someone who makes beauty. That would be embarrassing. I keep finding subtle ways of thinking about it. It’s a very provocative title to me.

This documentary has been so well received at major film festivals around the world, what’s that been like for you?

I have tried different things and have been lucky enough to have some success at everything I’ve tried. I went to school and majored in painting and I could always draw. I always loved cartooning since I was a little kid. I graduated with a painting major, but I couldn’t make any money doing that; so, I decided to go back to my earliest love of illustrating and drawing cartoons because there was a market for that. You could sell your drawings to the magazines. That led me to New York City. So, I was cartooning to make a living, and at the same time, I had been doing these puppet shows in college in the late 70’s. They were these crazy shows where the puppets would bleed and explode with firecrackers and fire, just really intensely weird and I just did that for a hobby for the fun of it at parties and on the street just to have some fun, I kept a record of it and oddly enough that led to my biggest career move ever and because of those puppet shows, I got the job on Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Something I never would have thought would happen. So, something I did out of love, that everyone thought I was crazy for doing it, turned out to be the biggest money making thing I ever did. It led

It’s been amazing. We did the whole film festival circuit this spring, and now we’re on to the theatrical release across the country, and truthfully it’s been a huge surprise. I never thought it would do this well. This time last year we were still making the film, and I had no anticipation it would be such a huge success. What is really surprising is how everyone says it is so inspirational. I never thought of myself as an inspirational figure, ever, and here I am in this movie inspiring people to go out and make art and dream dreams. It’s a real pleasure. Where did the title come from? It was originally the title of one of my word paintings, and I explain it a little in the movie. To me it has three different meanings. Number one, when we see something that is overwhelmingly beautiful and awe inspiring our emotions come

How you do transition between all your creative and artistic outlets?

me into television, got me in the Screen Actors Guild, twenty-five years of set design, performing, puppets, I bought a house and raised two kids. Now I’m back into painting and sculpting again. What will people be surprised by in the movie? I think they are going to be surprised that I have done all these different things that they know about, that they’ve grown up with or that they have at least watched. They’ll be surprised to learn that I’ve been involved in pop culture for the past thirty years. That’s part of the fun of watching the movie is discovering that and connecting the dots and seeing that the same guy did all these different things. That seems to give people a thrill to find that out. Finally, what would you say to someone at a crossroads who might be struggling with whether to do something they love

or go for the sure paycheck? Well, I have had to find that balance myself. We all have to make money and survive. We gotta have that paycheck, I’m not going to say you don’t, but you’ve gotta find time to do both, and that’s very difficult. You have to be persistent with your dreams. That’s the number one bit of advice I always give young artists, be persistent. Don’t ever give up on your dreams no matter how hard it is to keep it alive, and just make your money on the side. Eventually that dream, if you really believe in it, will bring you some sort of success. If you don’t have persistence, it’s all over with. That’s the challenge. A fascinating man with an amazing story. Beauty is Embarrassing is showing in limited theatrical release. Check your local listings for screenings at a theatre near you.

Pinel & Pinel Arcade PS Trunk Are you one of two video game junkies with an extra 90K to blow on something to do on your time off since you don’t work even though we are on the backend of a recession? If so then we have just the thing for you my friend! Introducing the Arcade PS Trunk. This set includes a PS3 with 24 games, two formula 1 racing seats with Thrustmaster Steering wheels, an 1,800watt sound system, a Playstation Move camera, four Move controllers, two Move shooter guns, four PS3 wireless buzzers, four Dualshock 3 controllers, two arcade fighting sticks, a 55” Sony TV, four pairs of 3D glasses, a calfskin covered trunk to hide it all in, and a wife that promises not to nag you as spend all of your time playing Grand Theft Auto instead of having to hear about her day. ($90,000)

iPad Mini The biggest news in the tech world happens to be the smallest iPad. The iPad Mini clocking in at 7.2mm and weighing just 0.68 pounds has a staggering 7.9 inch display and an A5 processor meaning it’s fast as heck. It also has a 5MP iSight camera and will be ready for your grubby little fingers on November 2. ($330-$660) Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8 october 31 - November 6, 2012

Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: Guys will actually search for a golf ball. Q: What’s the height of conceit? A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q: What’s the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a woman’s track team? A: A tribe of pigmy’s is a cunning bunch of runts.

Johnny Goes Camping One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks “Miss can I please sleep with you tonight?” His teacher replies “No”. Johnny moans and says “But my mummy lets me”. “Ok then, just for tonight” the teacher replies. Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks “Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger”. She again says “No”. “But my mummy lets me” says Johnny again. “Well I suppose it’s Ok” replies the teacher. Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming “That’s not my belly button!” Little Johnny replies “And that ain’t my finger either”.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Just when things seem to be going your way, the alligators will suddenly and violently wake up. Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Most women are attracted to power and status which is exactly why they wait in line for you to take their order at McDonald’s. Capricorn December 22 – January 19 It’ll take some time for you to regain the respect of your coworkers, but it’ll be worth it for showing up to work in a speedo.

Blitz Funnys

Q: What do cowboy hats and hemorrhoids have in common? A: Sooner or later, every asshole gets one. HOW CRUEL! KOMO News reports a pregnant Seattle woman, Nichole Hakimian, and her 1-year-old son, who was suffering an intestinal illness, were recently kicked off a public bus, a half-mile from the medical clinic, because a passenger complained the sick child’s diarrhea stunk. (The King County transit agency said they would investigate the incident.) AND MAY GOD BLESS HER CBS DFW reports - Between June 2011 and March 2012, Alicia Richman of Granbury, Texas, has been declared the new Guinness World Record holder for “Most Breast Milk Donated.” The 28-year-old mother of one donated

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Nothing in your power will prevent that guy from down the hall from “crop dusting” your cubicle on Friday morning. Pisces February 19 – March 20 After years of disappointment, you’ll discover the secret to a rewarding sex life has been in the palm of your hand all along. Aries March 21 – April 19 No one wants to die alone and luckily for you there’ll be several other passengers in the mini van.

11,115 ounces -- or 694 pounds -- of breast milk to charity, about 87 gallons total. (And, in doing so, she provided liquid food for critically ill and premature infants.) BAD/GOOD POLITICAL QUOTES 2012 Perhaps the worst came from Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock: “I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God. And I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.” And, the best may have come from President Barack Obama: “I don’t think any male politicians should be making health care decisions for women.”

Taurus April 20 – May 20 The stars have a special message for you: that wasn’t chicken in your chicken fried rice. Gemini May 21 – June 21 You’ll finally become one with nature this week when you’re buried out in some remote field. Cancer June 22 – July 22 Most firearm accidents at home, you’ll avoid becoming a statistic when you’re shot repeatedly at work.

ACROSS 1. Originates in 6. Knife 10. Highest point 14. Adult female 15. Brass instrument 16. Coil 17. Spanish for “Friend” 18. Air force heroes 19. Not false 20. Edible marine gastropod 22. Monster 23. Stylish, in the 60’s 24. Start 26. Law officer 30. L ong-necked wading bird 32. Extraterrestrial 33. Whirlpool 37. Deliver a tirade 38. Related to tides 39. “Where the heart is” 40. Devoted

42. Cut 43. Astronomical visitor 44. Calm 45. Animal life 47. Second (abbrev.) 48. Gangly 49. Diner 56. Chocolate cookie 57. Small island 58. Hawaiian veranda 59. Beige 60. Found on a finger 61. Fruit of the oaktree 62. Collections 63. Russian parliament 64. Prepared

Leo July 23 – August 22 Good communication is the key to all successful relationships. This week simply reply with an authoritative “That’s a 10-4, good buddy!” Virgo August 23 – September 22 Usually bright and iridescent colors are signs to stay away which probably explains why you are still single after all these years. Libra September 23 – October 22 Destiny won’t think it’s funny when you keep calling her asking for a date.

DOWN 1. Exchange 2. Hefty volume 3. Arab chieftain 4. Wise men 5. Frosty was one 6. Rise 7. Fit snugly into 8. Cain’s brother 9. America’s favorite pastime 10. To a complete degree 11. Welsh dog 12. Grieve 13. Type of sword 21. Charged particle 25. N N N N 26. Piecrust ingredient 27. Wings 28. Breeze 29. Fastidious 30. Trainee 31. Absorb written material 33. Small amount

34. Wander 35. Portent 36. No more than 38. Tropical evergreen tree 41. Bamboozle 42. Laic 44. Ocean 45. A satirical comedy 46. Watchful 47. Grave marker 48. Foot digits 50. Brother of Jacob 51. Slender 52. Dash 53. Dwarf buffalo 54. An aromatic ointment 55. Small

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October 31 - November 6, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8

The CLOSER

Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

Gay Date Surprise, surprise. This story involves me being set up with someone. Maybe I shouldn’t accept friends’ offers of getting set up anymore? So far it hasn’t resulted in a happy ending. Just head scratching and too many “first date” outfits purchased. But being the hopeless romantic I am, I keep thinking the next one will be

Michael Ealy

different. So far sister, it’s the standard run of the mill horse shit. I recently met a gal upon my move to a new part of town. She was super sweet and friendly so we went to lunch one day. Through out the lunch, she asked if she could set me up with her friend. She quickly whipped out her phone and offered me some eye candy to accompany my salad. This chap was hot as hell. He resembled my dream lover, Michael Ealy, so of course I was thinking my dreams were coming true. Plus he did marathons and all sorts of healthy crap. Was this lad too good to be true? This dream lover called me up after collecting my digits and asked me to dinner. I liked that he cut right to the chase, no waiting or games. As we chatted on the phone, I was digging his vibe and grew more excited for the date. Friday night arrived and of course it was date night! I was happy to have a man friend to take me out on the town. Who knew where the night would take us? We could end up hopping a flight to Vegas in a crazy whirlwind romance. Probably not, but at least I’d have a stiff drink and wear a borderline slutty dress. He called me when he arrived and I met him on the street. The minute I saw him in person and he opened his mouth, my heart sank. No offense, but he was definitely gayish acting. I am all for the gays- love them so much. But definitely don’t want to date one. This girl wants a straighty. As I typically have the worst form of word vomit, I almost exclaimed, “Ah hello no…are you gay?” Thank goodness my mind caught up to my big ass mouth and I refrained. I politely greeted him with an awkward, niceto-meet-ya squeeze and we were off in his ride. We drove to the restaurant and more telltale signs kept creeping their way into the conversation. Besides his tone and inflection, the subject matter of our conversation was a little gay. He commented on the color of my shoes. Now, any hot blooded hetero would call my shoes beige. This lad commented on my “nude” pumps. How in the world would he know to call them nude unless he’s been flipping through pages of InStyle or Vogue?

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If I’m on a date with a guy, he can tell me I look pretty or hot, but don’t be giving me props for being in line with the season’s fashions. I’d rather him tell me he’d like to spank me or something weird like that. At least that way I know a girl could get his schlong hard. I don’t want to go down that road of a gay love affair. He then went on to inform me he loves a girl who wears dresses and gets her hair and nails done. No offense but I don’t want to be competing with my boyfriend to be the most fashionable. It’s a given that the girl should be the clothes horse. As this date continued, I kept thinking I’d love it if this guy would just come out and we could be the best of friends. Unfortunately, the homosexual jig is just not up. So many times through out the date I kept wanting to say, “are you sure there’s nothing you want to tell me?” Luckily, I bit my tongue and kept the drinks a comin’. As the date concluded I wanted to say, “this was so much fun but I never want to do it again.” Instead I opted for another hug and offered him one more peak at my patent leather nude pumps. At least he liked my outfit. He asked me for another date but I was conveniently busy. I guess I was kind of rude in this situation by not being direct. Maybe I didn’t have to come out and say I thought he was gay and that’s why I didn’t want to waste time on another date. But I could have been honest and said I’d like it if we were friends. This really got me thinking about how people perceive each other on blind dates. It also reiterated the idea that first impressions stick like crazy glue. Even if we had a steamy night of backbreaking sex, I still would have been incepted by his gay-like mannerisms. First impressions are nearly impossible to break, so I knew this potential relationship was a goner before I sat my bum in his car. Perhaps this guy is the horniest heterosexual that ever lived. His gestures, dress and talk fooled the hell out of me though. Regardless of his sexual preference, he was hot and kind. Unfortunately, I don’t think he wanted to rip my clothes off. Too bad, we would have had beautiful little Michael Ealylooking babies.

The

AnsweR Guy with

Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur, My ex may just be a psychopath. He constantly calls, texts, tweets, and leaves posts on my Facebook page, but I am scared to death to block or delete him. None of the stuff has been threatening just more on the creepy side. We share several close mutual friends, which pretty much gives him access to my life. What can I do? Lucky for you I’ve dated and slept with the best and worst minds of my generation without the howling sensation of an episode of Carnal Relations Gone Wrong. Some of these girls were sane, others not so much! One day I’ll describe the dating horrors. However, I will tell you the one constant truth, which is that the combination of friends and former lovers always makes for wicked alchemy if something goes wrong. There’s a certain awkwardness involved when you split up with someone and then wind up sitting across from them at a poetry slam snapping fingers while mentally giving that person the middle one. Guys tend to go a little crazy after a girl breaks up with them. Not because they miss the girl, but because they miss the pretty much anytime you want it sex. The one thing men hate more than anything is having to hunt down another girl and date her until the point where they start having sex that isn’t accompanied by a latex Roman centurion. I’m sure a part of him misses you on an emotional level. But, don’t think for one moment that he’s in bed at nights thinking about your personality. The solution to your problem is simple. Delete him from all of your social media outlets, stop answering his calls, and send him a message that you’re done playing his childish games of cat and mouse. Real men respect honesty, even the sociopaths among us. The longer you leave the doors of communication open, the more he’s going to think there’s a chance that you two will be having sex on a regular basis again. And, at some point backslide your way into a relationship again!

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 8 october 31 - November 6, 2012

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