Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

2012

June 20 - 26, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 41

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 41 june 20 - 26, 2012

BLITZ I

On Deck The Miseducation of Lebron James

SPORTS NEWS On Deck Bad Boys Bad Boys Rangers Report UFC 147 Preview NBA Finals Cover Story Wet In The City Morgan Adrienne & Raven Regina & Diedre Johanna Page 12 Girl Tawnya Lindsay Christi, Buffy & Aleena Best Apartment Pools Katy & Whitley Lindsey Motorcycle Review Gadgets Eat It. Wear It. Go There. Inside the Mind of Jesse Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News The CLOSER Weekend Relaxer Loni Love Interview 2-Minute Drill

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Graphic Designer Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Photo Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

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t wasn’t that long ago that King James was hailed as the savior of basketball. “The Chosen 1” was adored by fans, respected by the talking heads, and feared by opponents. And then one “Decision” in 2010 forever tarnished his once illustrious crown. But why? Why is LeBron still the most hated player in the NBA and arguably in all of professional sports? LeBron’s choice to join the Miami Heat and assemble the three-headed monster of Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and himself, though shocking to Midwesterners, was one for the pursuit of his childhood dreams – winning an NBA Championship. And let’s not pretend for one second that when he was a kid playing in the gym imagining that he was hitting the game winning shot that he was doing it as a Cleveland Cavalier. Sure it was a feel good story; local kid taking his atrocious team from crevasses of utter mediocrity all the way to the brink of greatness and was poised to finish the job. There was just one problem with the story…he didn’t write it, we did. James played, and continues to play, to win trophies. He is like Alexander in pursuit of his next conquest. Never in his prep or professional career has he wowed us with his rallying words of camaraderie or his desire to win one for his city or team. That’s not who he has ever pretended

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Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mateeka Lanee, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith Contributing Photographers Jorge Alverez, Robbie Hitchcock, Aaron Huey, Damien Martin, Michael Pfaff, Chillbally, dankosunlmtd

WEEKLY

By C. Patterson – cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

to be. So, when he saw an opportunity to better his chances to achieve his glory he took it. He didn’t join the Heat to obliterate the hopes and dreams of Ohio; he did it because his supporting cast was subpar. Now two seasons later, LeBron James is again on the cusp of attaining what three MVPs, eight NBA All-Star appearances (two AllStar MVP trophies), and one scoring title haven’t been able to get him. But given the amount of disdain people have towards James, I can’t help but feel should he win the championship it will feel more like a one night stand with a girl that will steal your wallet while you sleep than a lasting relationship. You see achieving what he wants most will in actuality make him drastically more hated than he is currently. People love to see LeBron fail. Sad but true. The mere glimpse of apparent success from the man will make most NBA fans nauseous. Funny, because no one gets sick when they see Pierce, Allen, and Garnett all dressed in the same uniform. It doesn’t help LeBron’s case when his Airness, Michael Jordan, goes on the record in saying that “There’s no way, with hindsight, I would’ve ever called up Larry, called up Magic and said, ‘Hey, look, let’s get together and play on one team,’” Apparently greatness isn’t measured in what you accomplish, it’s measured in the opinions of others. James, to me at least, has become almost a tragic figure. No matter how much he trains, fights, or wins he will be a pariah; hated for not living a life that we choose for him. Imagine for a moment the normal Joe’s equivalent to LeBron’s story: next time you tech guys apply to work at Apple remember that there are computer companies here at home in Texas that you betrayed. You chose to side with a perennial power instead of staying true to your roots and using your talents to better your brethren. Every time you put on that blue t-shirt and talk to someone about iPads and the wonders of the App Store I’ll be right there behind you booing you and telling you how much you suck.

Uncle Walter on: The Internet I don’t care much for the Internet except for the YouTube – its got the funny cat videos. Whatever you do, don’t Google two girls one cup! That just ain’t right.

Contributing Writers Brian Beard, Rob Kellick, Aeryn Ripley, Jesse Whitman

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

Bob and Weave and Eat World champion Floyd Mayweather just suffered a crushing defeat. Last week a Nevada judge knocked the boxer’s plea to get out of jail and onto house arrest due to malnourishment and lack of world-class training facilities straight to the canvas. Floyd is serving a 3-month sentence Yay, you’re famous! So your cellmates for domestic violence. will

know

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name!

Celebrity Deathmatch Not often are two Grammy winners involved in a club brawl that leaves two people hospitalized. But that’s exactly what happened with Chris Brown and Drake last week. The rumble occurred at NY nightclub WIP after the two got into an altercation over a woman (Rihanna). Bottles were thrown and a 24-year-old college student and a bodyguard were badly injured. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

June 20 - 26, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 41 Photos Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

Upcoming Schedule: 6/20 @Padres 5:35 p.m. 6/22 Rockies 7:05 p.m. 6/23 Rockies 2:05 p.m. 6/24 Rockies 6:05 p.m. 6/25 Tigers 7:05 p.m. 6/26 Tigers 7:05 p.m.

Rangers Report Big Innings spark five victories

hether they are trailing or narrowly ahead, the Texas Rangers know they are just a big inning away from changing the course of any game with no better examples than last week. The Rangers scored at least five runs in a single frame four times during their six-game inter-league home stand against Arizona and Houston. Coupled with a team-record four straight games of at least 10 strikeouts and Texas won five of those contests. That kept Texas four games ahead of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and a season-equaling 13 games over the .500 mark at 40-27. Ahead 1-0 to open the week against the Diamondbacks, Texas scored five times in the sixth inning on the way to 9-1 victory. They performed similar feats in three wins against the Astros with a five-run fifth (trailing 1-0), five-run sixth (down 3-0) and seven-run sixth (behind 1-0). “We just kept grinding, grinding and grinding,” said Rangers Manager Ron Washington. “If we keep that up throughout our lineup it is hard to stop us. And it’s been someone different every day. If we keep doing that every day, we’ll be fine.” Among the individual offensive heroes were Ian Kinsler (three hits Tuesday, three-run triple Sunday), Elvis Andrus (three hits Saturday), Nelson Cruz (three-run home run Saturday) and Adrian Beltre (two-run homer Sunday). On the mound, Colby Lewis won twice, yielding just two runs and seven hits in 16 innings, Yu Darvish struck out 11 in winning his eighth games, Matt Harrison gave up no runs in 7.1 innings in a no-decision and Justin Grimm won his major league debut giving up three runs and striking out seven in six innings. “As long as we put up runs like that we can hang around and put balls in the strike zone,” said Lewis. “Everything has been working out. We’re getting good offense production so it’s been good.” Back home after short trip After the Rangers complete a quick three-game trip to San Diego on Wednesday they return home to begin a 10-game home stand against the

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By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com

Colorado Rockies and Detroit Tigers. The series with Colorado ends 2012 inter-league play. The Rangers last faced Colorado in 2006, losing two of three in Denver. The teams haven’t met in Arlington since 2001 when the Rangers won two of three. Colorado leads the all-time series 10-9.

Colorado entered this week with a 25-40 record after dropping two of three games at Detroit. The Rockies are second in the National League with 82 home runs and tied for third in batting average at .265. Leading the team is left-fielder Carlos Gonzalez with a .335 average, 17 home runs, 51 runs scored, 51 runs batted in and 9 stolen bases. Right-fielder Michael Cuddyer, the former Minnesota Twin, is next with 10 homers and 44 RBI. All-Star shortstop Troy Tulowitzki has been out since May 31 with a groin injury. Pitching has been a major problem for the Rockies, who are last in the National League with a 5.35 earned run average. Rookie lefthander Christian Friedrich has the most wins on the starting staff with four but a 5.60 ERA. Closer Rafael Betancourt has converted 10 of 12 save chances. Since the Rangers beat Detroit three of four times in the Motor City in late April, the Tigers have struggled to a 32-34 record, three games behind the Chicago White Sox in the A.L. Central Division. They are second in the AL in batting average at .267. First baseman Prince Fielder (.315, 44 RBI) and third baseman Miguel Cabrera (.310, 54) are among the league leaders in both categories. On the mound, Justin Verlander’s three complete games, 2.66 ERA and 103 strikeouts and Jose Valverde’s 13 saves are near the top of the AL in those categories.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 41 june 20 - 26, 2012

Photos Courtesy: dankos-unlmtd, Michael Pfaff

UFC 147 Preview silva vs. franklin II

By Brian Beard – comments@blitzweekly.com Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silva (34-11-1) vs. Rich “Scary Jim Carrey” Franklin (28-6-0) am usually not a fan of the older fighters that are legends, still fighting. There is usually nothing to prove, and they are past their prime. I don’t feel that way about this one. These two match up very well and have battled it out once before. Silva is a technical brawler that really throws with bad intentions. Franklin is much more of a precision striker that seems to find his target. These two will not run from each other and dance around the cage. They will stand in front of each other and bang. Franklin was able to etch out a decision in the first one and I think he will do it again here. Both are past their prime, but Silva is more past it! Scary Jim Carrey over the Axe Murderer via TKO in the third round. No decision this time.

Fabricio “Vai Cavalo” Werdum (15-5-1) vs. Mike Russow (15-1-0) This could be fight of the night! Werdum is a beast with a lot of experience against top heavyweights! His only recent loss was against Alistair OveROID, who is a cheater. He beat the once thought to be unbeatable Fedor. But

Yuri “Marajo” Alcantara (26-3-0) vs. Hacran Dias (15-2-0) Two weird named, relative newcomers to the UFC will square off in what I predict will be a great fight. They are both Brazilian so look for their ground game to be on point. Dias is a beast on the ground with great Judo skills to help him get the fight on the mat. Yuri is the more complete fighter and has the UFC experience under his belt. He should have the advantage in the striking department as well. It will be key for him to keep this fight standing. I predict that Dias will be able to win the clinch and takedown battle as well as the ground war. Dias via sub in the second round.

then you have Russow. This guy is a very good wrestler who is on a 10 fight win streak and has beaten some pretty tough dudes along the way. These cats match up very well against each other as Werdum has great Jiu Jitsu. Werdum should also be the more technical striker with Russow being more powerful. I see Russow pushing for the takedown after being clipped a few times in their standing exchanges. I think he will succeed in several takedowns but Werdum will win via sub in the second round.

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 41 Photos Courtesy: ChillBally

NBA FINALS

James takes the driver’s seat in the NBA finals

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eBron James is finally playing up to his normal levels when it matters most, and the Heat need every ounce of energy he’s got. The championship is once again within his grasp and he’s doing everything in his power to make sure he doesn’t lose it. He’s the league’s best two-way player. He’s an absolute freak physically and will run you over if you get in his way. LeBron James is finally playing the way we’d all imagine him playing the previous two times he’s been there. His now official sidekick Dwyane Wade, is often the first to berate James on court if he’s playing too relaxed. While Miami is top heavy with talent they lack the bench to allow James to log minutes recuperating on the bench. He’s just totally a different player,” Miami’s Dwyane Wade said. “Up until the Finals last year, he was having an amazing playoffs. He had a game where he struggled and he kind of let that get into his mind a little bit – and he was thinking too much. “Now he’s playing. He’s on attack. When he puts his head down to go to the rim, you have no other choice but to foul him or he’s going to finish.” The question about Miami this year was whether they were strong enough as a team to rebound from the Finals collapse against the Dallas Mavericks last season. They have answered that question by cruising to the Finals without their best post scorer in Chris Bosh. Not many other teams could lose a player of Bosh’s caliber and still progress to the next rounds. Dallas “picked us apart and we weren’t able to regroup,” Wade said. “And we feel like when [the Thunder’s] picking us apart, our conversation is different. We understand a little different.” The Heat are finally figuring out how to run together through all the bumps of the regular season and

By Geoff Case – @GeoffCase

playoffs. LeBron James is finally telling everyone to get on his back late in games and the results are scary. While James has been everything to his team, you can’t forget to look at the Oklahoma City Thunder’s roster of young talent. The road to the Finals in the Western Conference will be running through OKC for the next 4-5 years. Kevin Durant has been an absolute sniper during the fourth quarter. We haven’t seen anybody perform on that level in crunch time since Jordan. The Thunder almost remind me of the Chicago Bulls in the 90s when everyone thought they still were a few years away and they won the Finals. The Westbrook/Durant combo is finally matured enough to be effective when it counts. Westbrook is figuring out how to fade into the background when Durant catches fire late in games. Oklahoma City had its chances in Game 3, taking as much as a 10-point lead in the third quarter Sunday. But turnovers, bad possessions and a Heat team determined to hold on to its home-court edge proved too much in the end. They might be a little nervous with this being the young team’s first Finals appearance but they’ve been in every game. They can score in bunches and defend with the best of them but they haven’t gone through the trials and tribulations that a majority of the Heat’s roster has. The pressure of failure is so intense for James and the Heat that it almost feels as that extra motivation and memory of last year gives them a slight edge in close games. While the Finals are far from over, you can’t but feel as though it’s now Miami’s to lose. In fact, we might have an epic rivalry in the makings as these two teams might be meeting in the Finals for the next few seasons. It’s simply a great time to be a basketball fan right now.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 41 june 20 - 26, 2012

In honor of all those who are currently attempting to escape the piping hot pavement from our 100 degree plus days, let us never forget our aquatic sanctuary, the pool. Our friend of multiple depths lies in wait for us to come and purify ourselves in its chlorine-infused love. The gathering place of splash-filled relief also provides some of the most amazing scenery outside of National Geographic. So, here’s to the two-pieces, the Monokinis, the Hipkinis, the Bandeaus, the Side Ties, the Slingshots and the double string bottoms…Long Live Summer!

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See more of Tawnya and others at Blitzweekly.com Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs / www.DarrylBriggs.com Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 41

MOTORCYCLEReview: 2012 Harley-Davidson FLD Switchback

Time to ride in style!

Photo Courtesy: Dallas Harley-Davidson

hen you think Harley-Davidson you probably think of chrome, a signature rumble, and a historic nostalgia in the motorcycle industry. The new Dyna Switchback will make you think of even more. It’s time to ride in style! The Harley engineers had their thinking caps on when they designed this new model. It is touted as, and lives up to, being two bikes in one. In most cases when you see it on the showroom floor, you will see a “light-weight” touring bike. However, with very little time and effort, you could be looking at a muscular, throw-back styled Cruiser. The Switchback’s quick-release windshield and saddle bags go on and off with the simple ease that you’ve come to expect from the Harley-Davidson accessories. Let’s start with Switchback identity number one – the touring bike. You’ll be comfortably seated behind a full Lexan windshield with your gear tucked away in two ABS plastic saddlebags. They are not as large as the bags on Harley’s touring line of bikes, but more than enough room for a nice weekend getaway. Astride its’ powerful Twin Cam 103 cubic inch motor, which is rubber-mounted to the Dyna chassis, long stretches of highway or

By Rob Kellick - bhdgservice@ridenow.com twisties in the Hill Country can be gobbled up by the handful. The day after you get back from that trip, literally, a few minutes in the garage will expose the gorgeous nacelle-style headlamp housing as well as the big, chrome, exposed rear shocks that beckon the past. Also revealed are the hot rod-looking five fin spoke wheels. Stripped down like this, the Switchback is ready to go around town in style. Harley-Davidson claims that the Switchback’s 718 pound curb weight makes it the lightest custom touring bike in its segment. Remember, in that mere 718 pounds sits a 1690 c.c. engine partnered with Harley’s six-speed transmission. That is a recipe for go, go, go. Rolling down the road you enjoy the comfort of a two-up seat, full rider floorboards (that can find the ground to scrape when powering through the twisties), and a rear suspension adjustable to five different positions.

2012 Harley-Davidson FLD Switchback The Cheat Sheet DIMENSIONS: Length: 92.8 in. Seat Height, Laden: 26.1 in. Seat Height, Unladen: 27.4 in. Ground Clearance: 4.3 in. Wheelbase: 62.8 in. Fuel Capacity: 4.7 gal. Weight, As Shipped: 696 lb. ENGINE: Engine: Air-cooled, Twin Cam 103™ Bore: 3.875 in. Stroke: 4.38 in. Displacement:103 cu in Compression Ratio: 9.6:1 CHASSIS: Exhaust: 2-into-1 chrome exhaust with straight-cut muffler Wheels, Front Type: Black, 5-Spoke Cast Aluminum Wheels, Rear Type: Black, 5-Spoke Cast Aluminum PERFORMANCE: Engine Torque: 100 ft-lb Engine Torque (rpm): 3,500 Fuel Economy; City/Hwy: 42 mpg combined

Roadtrip Video Recorder Enjoy watching police dash cam videos? Well make your own! Infrared LED, 640 X 480 recording and motion sensor monitors make this one awesome gadget. Probable restraining order from your ex-girlfriend that you’ve been tailing…not included. ($130)

GnarBoard Electric Skateboard Regular old skateboards are so 20th Century. Upgrade your life and chances for an extended stay at the ICU with the GnarBoard Electric Skateboard. Propel down narrow corridors at 28mph in as little as 1.9 seconds assuming you don’t run over any women, children, or widows with puppies along the way. ($4,800)

Clamcase Clambook This device is called the clam when ironically you can’t get it wet. It has a 16:9 display, keyboard, multi-touch trackpad and is compatible with a number of smartphones. This is one cool docking station. (Available holiday season)

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Eat It

Chef Kenny Bowers of Kenny’s Burger Joint has unleashed a 24” 1lb. (all-beef) hotdog served on a 20” bun baked locally by La Spiga. We recommend chili, cheese, mustard, relish and sautéed onions. Man up. Chow down.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 41

WEAR It

Put on the “Do It For The Glory Tee” from Dallas clothing company, MACHO. Let everyone know, that if need be; momma said knock you out and she said do it in style. www.machoclothingco.com

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Coldplay at the American Airlines Center. The tix are $49.50 to $97.50 and if you are a socially conscious stoner who loves free and eclectic music, this is one concert for you. The seven-time Grammy winners have worked with everyone from Jay-Z to Kanye West to Rihanna. www.americanairlinescenter.com

inside the mind of jesse sometimes things get weird

eing a writer is one of the worst jobs you could imagine. The pay is terrible, if you’re one of the lucky few to get paid at all, and it is quite possible that you may not get discovered until you’re in your 60’s like Bukowski and Steinbeck. Or worse, which is what happened to me.... After struggling with various underpaid freelance jobs that paid about as much as my Grandfather’s allowance during the Great Depression, I decided to join the work force. I was going to plug into the Matrix, get a steady income, health insurance, and finally be able to pay all my bills on time. So what if I had to get up early, guzzle down hot coffee and drive like hell through rush hour traffic? Yes, some of my soul would get taken away, but it couldn’t be that bad. And besides, it was an actual writing job, which is really hard to come by, especially in a job market that would make Oliver Twist choke on his gruel. Most of the writing jobs I had found were regurgitating SEO blog entries for five dollars a post, which is the bottom of the basement (would you like fries with that paragraph?). So I got a job, even though it was writing copy for an adult entertainment company. But what was the big deal? It was probably mostly t*tties with the occasional gore tunnel, and at the very worst Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

By Jesse Whitman http://jessewhitman.tumblr.com/ By Mateeka Lanee’ – -Mateekalanee.wordpress.com

porn starlets violating themselves with various objects. I mean, for some people looking at porn all day this would be a dream job. Plus, I really needed health insurance so I could get finally take care of that annoying cavity in my molar. While not an expert, I had seen a healthy amount of porn mostly in Hustler and Playboy. To me it was like an anthropological study into the various forms of neuroses and dysfunction of the human population. It was like the human version of Animal Planet or penguin porn at Imax. Most people imagine this job would be so easy, writing coochie for Gucci as porn stars give you shoulder rubs. But au contraire! It was just like any other low-paying office job, complete with a management style that mirrored the modern penitentiary. In fact, the manager would have been an excellent parole officer or prison guard, especially his unhealthy and illogical obsession with being on time. On my first day he reprimanded an employee for going to the restroom too often. That was the first red flag. The second was the slow but horrifying realization that no one in the editing room had moved from their cubicle or looked away from their work for three hours straight. In fact, I got the sense right away that I would get in trouble if I wasn’t looking at porn at all times.

Despite the horrors, I was determined to forge ahead and do my best. My work ethic was so good that I even drove through a tropical storm, hydroplaned and nearly flew off an overpass just to get to the office on time. However, my efforts were for nil. In the end my fellow workers, the soulless robotic rats that they were, could smell the free spirit in me that I was trying so hard to repress and quickly ratted me out to the boss. Not pleased with my comments or my post-it notes with the words ‘birth canal, a*s, t*tties,’ etc etc covering up the photos, my coworkers howled and roared with laughter about me from the other side of the office. The insults were ludicrous and from people who obviously couldn’t write better than a monkey--”her hair is so frizzy it looks like she needs goggles to see” and “her arms look like string beans.” It was like high school all over again. Then I got called into the principal’s office and was promptly fired not because my writing wasn’t adequate but because I didn’t “fit in.” Looking back I take that as a compliment.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 41 june 20 - 26, 2012

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. Q: Why won’t cannibals eat clowns? A: Because they taste funny! Q: How do you define optimism? A: A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

Peanut Extraction A man is at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He tosses them in the air and catches them in his mouth. His wife asks him a question and as he turns to answer her, a peanut falls in his ear. He tries to dig it out, but succeeds only in pushing it in deeper. He calls his wife for help and after hours of trying they become worried and decide to go to the hospital. At that moment, their teenage daughter comes home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date says he can get the peanut out. The young man tells the father to sit down, then sticks his fingers up the father’s nose and instructs him to blow hard. When the father blows, the peanut flies out of his ear. Once the young man leaves, the mother turns to the father and says, “That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart! What do you think he’ll be when he’s older?” The father replies, “From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”

A “KLEPTO” COP? June 15, 2012, The Dallas Morning News reported ex-policeman Johnny Rodriguez was suing over his firing, accused of stealing boots from a Texas state trooper. In 2006, Rodriguez was fired and rehired over accusations he’d stolen tires at Dallas’ auto pound. And, before being hired in 2002, while an officer at Mountain View College, he’d been accused of stealing there. NO FORK IN THE ROAD? Late on June 7, 2012, a very sticky situation occurred on I-75 in northern Kentucky. That’s when and where a semi-trailer, dodging a car with a flat, slammed into the Buttermilk Pike

Gemini May 21 – June 21 Congrats! Your face will make national headlines this week. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, “New Halloween mask debuts in June!”

Virgo August 23 – September 22 After waking up sore and confused in the hospital, your doctor explains that “having your head up you’re a$$” is only a figure of speech.

Cancer June 22 – July 22 You decide to come out of the closet this week, but no one will seem to care since you are only a vacuum cleaner. Leo July 23 – August 22 It’s time to stop lying to yourself. It’s no secret that you’re naked inside the banana outfit.

Blitz Funnys

overpass, spilling many gallons of Log Cabin pancake syrup across that road. The Cincinnati Enquirer reported it took both the EPA and state crews to remove the mess, but no charges were filed. BUSY HANDS ARE... Nashville, Tennesse - William Todd arrived at a Greyhound bus station on April 9, 2012, and, told he’d have a nine-hour layover, decided not to waste time just sitting around. Meaning, during that time period he committed 11 felonies. Among them, robbing four people, shooting up a restaurant, burning it, carjacking, stealing a taxicab, breaking into a law office... then defecating on a desk. (On an attorney’s desk? So?)

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Your longstanding battle with alcohol finally comes to an end when you discover crack cocaine.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 They say that milk does the body good. You should start with a gallon a day.

Libra September 23 – October 22 Treat yourself to a Frito Pie to celebrate an uneventful ride on the DART rail.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Your personal nightmare continues this week when the ghost of the Cookie Monster follows you everywhere.

Aries March 21 – April 19 With summer comes more revealing fashions. For the love of man, please shave your back!

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 After sitting on your porch all day it finally dawns on you what the song “Drank In My Cup” is really all about.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 To be Number One you must be willing to make sacrifices. Start with that annoying neighbor’s kid.

Taurus April 20 – May 20 You no longer have a destiny. All the stars in Taurus are on vacation.

ACROSS 1. Sail supports 6. Resorts 10. Jab 14. Enter data 15. Agreement 16. Historical periods 17. France’s longest river 18. Reflected sound 19. Tears 20. Surrounded by land 22. Pout 23. Operatic solo 24. Goliaths 26. Exam 30. Muzzle 31. Many millennia 32. Winglike 33. Away from the wind 35. Electrical pioneer 39. Prominent 41. S mallest discrete quantity (physics)

43. Peal 44. Not mine 46. Medical breakthrough 47. An Old Testament king 49. Large 50. Biblical garden 51. Arch of the foot 54. Goulash 56. Not a single one 57. Irregular 63. Teller of untruths 64. Food 65. African virus 66. Largest continent 67. Nobleman 68. Water lily 69. Scream 70. Type of sword 71. Considers

DOWN 1. Foundry 2. Dwarf buffalo 3. Whirl 4. Feces 5. Grave marker 6. Forte 7. A wrapped container 8. Dull pain 9. Heavy and filling food 10. Imperishability 11. Heavenly hunter 12. Not working 13. S S S S 21. Keyboard instrument 25. Greek letter 26. Chore 27. Distinctive flair 28. A period of discounted prices 29. Involving three parties 34. Impartial 36. An upright in a wall

37. Attraction 38. Ends a prayer 40. If not 42. Prods 45. Make less visible 48. Orbital high point 51. Dental filling 52. Clamor 53. Escargot 55. Brandish 58. Poop 59. Double-reed woodwind 60. Memo 61. Astringent 62. Young girl

Solution on Page 18 Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

June 20 - 26, 2012

The CLOSER

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 41

Lately’s Love

Photo Courtesy: Damien Martin

Blitz weekly asks comedienne loni love to step up to the mic

Landshark Lager Brewed by: Margaritaville Brewing Co. ABV: 4.70% The perfect beer for sitting by the pool all day. It pours a clear golden hue with a nice fluffy head and has decent lacing. The scent of mild hops are prevalent as well as citrus. This is a light tasting beer with a hint of hops and a grassy taste. It is very watery. Crisp with no real aftertaste. It does have good carbonation. Robusto Grande Wrapper: Corojo Binder: Ecuadorian Connecticut Filler: Nicaragua Strength: Medium-Full This cigar has a nice feel to it (smooth) with a very small presence of veins. Initial draw is superb. Sweet cedar and wood on the front end. You’ll enjoy the floral notes that accompany the cedar and wood. Nice and not overpowering. 77 Ingredients: 1.5 oz Seagram’s Seven whiskey 1.5 oz Jack Daniel’s Tennessee whiskey 1.5 oz Wild Turkey Bourbon whiskey 6 oz 7-Up soda Fill with ice Mixing Instructions: Fill glass with ice. Pour over Wild Turkey and Jack Daniel’s, then pour in the 7-Up topping off the drink with Seagram’s Seven. Don’t Stir, Don’t Shake.

hether it’s on Chelsea Lately, on Twitter, The Smoking Gun Presents: The World’s Dumbest fill in the blank, or her own comedy special, Loni Love knows how to make you laugh. Over the past nine years, the Detroit born electrical engineer-turned crowd favorite has become America’s sister. Her attitude and delivery are making her easily one of the most talked about comics on the stand-up scene. And don’t just think that she’s one of the funniest female comedians out there today; she’s one of the funniest young entertainers today, period. With shows at the Arlington Improv coming up (June 28-30) Loni gave us a call and subjected herself to our random and often awkward questionnaire. She handled it like a champ…we’ll get her next time. Moment in your life when you realized “damn I’m funny” I still haven’t had that moment yet. Last song you sang in the shower “Hollywood” by Rufus and Chaka Khan Hardest part about the business Staying on course. You have dreams for yourself and you hope that you could take those dreams and move them forward, but sometimes you have to change paths a little bit. Sometimes it’s hard to remain focused. But if you want to complete your goals you have to remain focused. Your biggest fan My mom. No matter what crazy ideas I come up with she’s always like “ok” you can do it. Coolest person that you’ve met George Clooney. He was great. Sometimes you hope to not meet people and you hope that if you do they aren’t mean. He was totally everything that I thought he would be. He was intelligent, he was cool, he was nice – everything that you would expect him to be.

By C.Patterson– cpatterson@blitzweekly.com One thing that you own that you’ll never part with My first Bible that I’ve had since I was a little girl. Best advice so far Joan Rivers told me before you throw away a joke try it twelve times. What’s your happiness? When I’m onstage and I look at the audience and I see them laughing. You must be happy quite often.

“Follow me on Twitter @@LoniLove

Steven Kim How You Know Him: Do you have what it takes to be one of the most creative minds in the fashion industry? Style-child Steven Kim does. Steven dreams up ways to make apparel company Big Star as synonymous with your wardrobe as Ralph Lauren. So when we met Mr. Kim it was a perfect fit. What’s the coolest part about working for Big Star? It’s been just an amazing journey. It’s like you dream about working for your passion. You come to work everyday and it’s not work. The coolest thing for me is the honesty and integrity that the company and the brand has for everyone from the customer to the people working in the community. Being here in the present time and being able to be a part of this is awesome. How did you get started in the business? I’ve always grown up in the industry. I’m considered a second-generation apparel maker. I have always been passionate about fashion; it’s like an art. It’s not just denim anymore. What do you think is the next big trend? The next big trend is definitely bold colors, as well as, mixing prints. An influence from many cultures is beginning to be what we are seeing. It’s your way to express your uniqueness openly. What advice do you have for any people looking to get into fashion? I’d say be bold. Be yourself and confidant. Always be hungry to learn. The main thing that I am learning now is to listen and take everything into consideration because everyone has good ideas; it just comes down to timing and support. What’s the biggest pitfall they should be aware of? The initial response from most people, myself included, is “no”. But keep trying and never give up. With all the cool things that you have acquired over the years, what’s the coolest thing that you own? Memories. The people that you meet and the memories that you make are the most important things.

Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 41 june 20 - 26, 2012

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