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TV's newest Barman joins us on our hunt for the

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on deck

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

dead center

B SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Bad Boys Bad Boys 3 Cowboys Training Camp 4 The 5th Quarter 5 Rangers Report 6 Cover Story The Ultimate Sports Bar 9-13 Steve on Tap 10-11 BLITZ Entertainment Carol Menendez 12 Smile Smile 14 Geek Chic 14 Hollywood Shuffle 15 Dream Girl Kate Upton 15 Movie Review 15 Gearshift 16 Gadgets 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Pocketful of Peens 18 The Answer Guy 18

eing in the center isn’t easy. Everyone looks to the center for guidance, support and understanding. No matter if you are simply the center of your household or clever enough to sit in the center square, it is the one place where all eyes gravitate. In the NFL, the center’s job consists of more than snapping the ball. Before the snap, a center is able to evaluate the defensive formation and make critical decisions for the first line call. A center needs to take into account the position of the linebackers and determine how the offensive line can adjust to be in the most optimal position. After the snap the center may also be responsible for designating the pass and run blocking assignments. It’s not just an important position; it’s a crucial one. I realize that sounds like a job description, but our Cowboys are in a pinch to field this position, so I thought we’d help out. Phil Costa, the starting center, is battling a lower back injury that may cause him to miss a few games. And now, backups Kevin Kowalski and Bill Nagy are both out of the game due to ankle injuries. But somehow, in the offseason rush to draft a tougher defense, the decision was made to not draft or sign another center. But now, things have changed and Costa is possibly more hurt than anyone is letting on and this has left the team scrambling to pick up a veteran to sign. It’s tough to analyze. Was this

another unilateral decision from Jerry Jones or were others brought in to consult? Either way, it feels like the previously forgiving ride on the learning curve is going to run very short for Jason Garrett if this season ends badly. In the meantime, David Arkin, who first snapped a ball for the Cowboy’s coaching staff just two short weeks ago is being groomed for the position. As you may remember QB Tony Romo has a troubled history on the snap. Feel free to Google “Tony Romo Snap” and watch the words “fail” and “fumble” assist you through your search results. And even if Arkin is able to cleanly snap the ball and make those tough calls, we need Romo taken care of. He has been on and off the injured reserved list since his debut and a false move from a newbie at center could easily end his season very early. There’s a chance I’m making this up, but I know there is a deeply profound Eastern philosophical saying that boils down to “Out of sync, get centered.” That’s what the Cowboys must do during preseason. There is no reason that the search for a new center couldn’t have taken place weeks ago. It’s obvious that Costa’s back pain stems from his tough 2011 season and putting in overtime as center. Try to steel yourself during these preseason games and let’s hope that by the September 5 opener this problematic issue won’t still be at the center of our attention.

uncle walter on Shark Week 2012 Not as high on my priorities as Where The Hell is the Remote Day and not as interesting as That Seal is Screwed Week.

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Graphic Designer Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mateeka Lanee, Mark Miller Contributing Photographers AJ Guel, Asmund Lovdal, Rick Star Contributing Writers Joyce Alexander, Hannah Allen, Arthur Bellfield, Jay Betsill, C.J. Gardner, Ethan Harmon, Scott Holub, Posie Pocket, Aeryn Ripley

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

bad boys bad boys

Fish out of Water Chad Johnson had a pretty crappy weekend. First the former Bro Bowl wide out was involved in a domestic disturbance in which he allegedly head-butted his reality TV star wife, Evelyn Lozada. Then he was promptly cut from his new team the Miami Dolphins and had his reality show canceled because it seems that the only thing the receiver can catch these days are charges.

Daddy.U.I The seed from which Jessica Simpson was born, Joe Simpson, was completely hammered when he was busted for DUI on August 4. He blew a silver star worthy .12 at the sobriety checkpoint (silver because of the color of the handcuffs that he got as a prize). It was her 54-year-old pappy’s first offense. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

AUGUST 15 - 21, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 49 Photo Courtesy: AJ Guel

cowboys training camp

By J ay Betsill – @thefamousjay Scott Holub – @cowboytrivia

dallas notches preseason win

national television audience on ESPN’s Monday Night Football was treated to a lackluster 3-0 Cowboys victory over the Oakland Raiders as Dallas opened its preseason schedule. The Cowboys defense played well while the questions about the offensive line and wide receiver position remain unanswered. Since the team came into this game with 15 players -- including five starters -- already banged up, they were fortunate with linebacker Kyle Wilbur’s thumb injury being the only addition to the ever-growing list. Tony Romo faced intense pressure on the second offensive possession. He avoided some pressure to get a pass to Jason Witten, but it led to a two-yard loss and Witten getting drilled in the process. The next play, Romo was trying to set up a screen pass to DeMarco Murray, but Raiders nose tackle Tommy Kelly practically walked right past center David Arkin for an easy sack. In other words, Cowboys fans could have witnessed the end of Romo’s season in a meaningless exhibition game in the Bay Area as Arkin failed to get a body on the veteran defensive tackle who had 7.5 sacks last season. Wide receiver Dez Bryant was in question after leaving practice early Saturday because of hamstring tightness. His importance to the team’s aerial attack was evident as he came up with the only big play for Dallas’ first-team offense when he made a good adjustment in the air for a 24yard gain from Tony Romo on the Cowboys first drive. With Miles Austin already out due to injury and the well documented issues with the depth at the receiver position, I was not a big fan of seeing Bryant out on the field against the Raiders. Kicker Dan Bailey made a 33-yard field goal to give the Cowboys a 3-0 lead in the third quarter and that was all Dallas would need as the defense would pitch a shutout against Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, Terrelle Pryor and the rest of the

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Raiders offense. The one area that Oakland was effective on offense was when Darren McFadden and Lonyae Miller were rushing the ball in the first quarter. Cowboys standouts on defense included defensive end Marcus Spears with pressure in the backfield and three tackles and safeties Gerald Sensabaugh (with an interception of Palmer) and Barry Church. “I think we need to eliminate some of the mistakes that put us in a hole tonight,” Romo said going in at halftime. “We have a lot of young guys playing right now and we are just going to be able to evaluate this tape and get better from it. Right now is a time for us to correct the mistakes that are on the tape. I think the effort was there tonight, we just need to have better execution.” The Cowboys next preseason game is against the San Diego Chargers on Saturday August 18 at 8 p.m. at Qualcomm Stadium. The game will be televised on Channel 11 (Silver Star Network). SILVER & BLUE DEBUT AT COWBOYS STADIUM ON AUGUST 23 On August 23, Cowboys Stadium will open its doors to fans of all ages for the Dallas Cowboys Silver & Blue Debut Presented by Miller Lite. The event will be a free practice open to all Cowboy fans anxious to see the team in action before the 2012 season officially kicks off. The practice will officially start at 4:30 p.m. However, parking will open up at 2:30 p.m., the plazas will open at 3 p.m. and the doors to the stadium will open at 3:30 p.m. Parking at the stadium will be $10. The team will be preparing to face the St. Louis Rams in their third preseason game and first home game of the season to take place on August 25 at 7 p.m.

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the 5th quarter By C.J. Gardner – cjgardner80@ou.edu

playing on borrowed time

ormer Dallas Cowboy Terrell Owens made his return to the NFL by signing with the Seattle Seahawks last week. The 38-year-old wide receiver looks to be having a hard time hanging up his cleats and retiring from professional football. It is understandable I guess to wish to cling on to something that you have spent your entire life, most of it anyway, doing. T.O. is no different than Brett Favre and his wanting to throw one more pass or George Foreman who gave and received furious punches to the cranium from the 1960s to the 90s and newly retired MLB pitcher Jamie Moyer, who on April 12, 2012 became the oldest pitcher in the game’s history to pick up a win at the young and vigorous age of 49 years and two months. Sometimes it’s just hard to let go. I mean can you blame them? There’s an old saying “There are no rocking chairs for

good, damn good. Another reason for some is the eternal pursuit of the championship. Life-long Utah Jazz player Karl Malone found himself in an unfamiliar shade of purple and gold as a Laker for a season before he retired for a final run at that elusive NBA championship. He was unable to do so and some scoff at his ranking as an all-time great because he was never able to hoist that trophy, a la Dan Marino. While it should be said that all professional athletes love the sports they play to some degree or another, some have another motive (or two… or three) for playing. I would even venture to say the reason most athletes clutch on to the feeling of the fabric of those jerseys, is because they will lose the perks of being a professional athlete, mainly, the money. The reason that most are attracted to becoming a professional athlete and

rockstars” and I assume retirement is just as hard for athletes. The acceptance that you have lost a step or can’t quite do what you use to is more than some can bear. You’ve got to admit that there must be something beyond the surface that would drive an athlete with the respect, accolades, and financial sustenance of a Peyton Manning to risk never walking again to suit up and take more snaps after a devastating neck injury. The logic is almost mind-boggling, unless you are an athlete. Then the reasoning is crystal clear. For some athletes, the apprehension of heading head first into retirement comes from their love of competition. Many of our favorite players seem to fall under this category. Their ability made them one of the best on their field or court and even into their late 30’s they could play at a high level. And when your natural (or performance enhanced) talents make you a celebrity some athletes are willing to continuously subject their bodies to the arduous strain that professional competition against much younger adversaries brings for as long as possible often with cataclysmic results because quite simply the feeling of admiration is

risk life and limb is that you can be a millionaire for playing a game while the rest of us make our living in cubicles, at cash registers or as door-todoor salesmen. While athletes are paid very well, there are a good number that find themselves in the realm of financial disaster after their playing days are over because they didn’t manage their money. There are young adults who come into these leagues where they are paid millions upon millions of dollars and they start living that kind of lifestyle. A majority of athletes do not have college degrees, so they have no plan for a career after their athletic career is over (because how many analysts does ESPN actually need?). One of the main reasons T.O. is coming back is because he needs money, as he can’t afford to pay his child support. On one hand, I do not blame athletes for prolonging retirement. They get paid very well to play a game that they love. But at some point, these players have to realize that every athlete has an expiration date and they need to plan for life after sports. Don’t risk tarnishing your legacy, especially for the paycheck.

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 49 Photos Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

Upcoming Schedule: 8/15 @yankees 6:05 p.m. 8/16 @yankees 12:05 p.m. 8/17 @blue jays 6:07 p.m. 8/18 @blue jays 12:05 p.m. 8/19 @blue jays 12:07 p.m. 8/20 orioles 7:05 p.m. 8/21 orioles 7:05 P.M.

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ranger report

By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com

finally back to top 2012 form

n June 30, the Texas Rangers were 21 games over the .500 mark and 6.5 games ahead in the American League West division. In an inconsistent journey lasting 34 games and nearly six weeks, they finally returned to that position. Thanks to an 8-3 start in August and a 4-2 record last week, the team matched its high marks for the season. It also moved a half-game ahead of the New York Yankees for the best record in the American League. Winning series at Boston and at home against Detroit, the Rangers continued a trend that started Aug. 1-2 when they rallied for a split against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. “We had a wake-up call against the Angels,” said Texas Manager Ron Washington. “We weren’t playing to our capabilities. When that happens you either lie down or fight and we have been fighting and for right now doing well.” In taking two of three games from Detroit, the Rangers beat a team that had won 24 of 37 games and gave the Rangers a 7-3 final regular-season series record against the team it beat in last year’s league championship series. It also contributed to a week of interesting side notes in which Texas: • Scored at least six runs three times, winning them all. • Starting pitchers Ryan Dempster and Yu Darvish won twice. • Relievers Alexi Ogando and Mike Adams won twice. • Rookie Mike Olt won Saturday’s game with a two-out, pinch-hit single. While the Rangers are in a good place right now, their players know there’s still 49 games left to do even more. “We’re playing good

baseball but feel we have a lot of work to do to play our best,” said Michael Young. “We’re getting there.” Stretch against East continues Texas continues facing A.L. East teams for another week with the final two games at the Yankees on Wednesday and Thursday, a weekend series in Toronto and hosting the Baltimore Orioles beginning Monday. The series against the Yankees could be a prelude to the American League Championship Series as the teams have been atop the the league most of the year. Entering this week New York was 67-47 while the Rangers stood at 6746. The Rangers lead the Blue Jays 4-2 in the season series, winning three in Arlington in May and losing two of three April 30-May 2 in Canada. Toronto has lost 11 of its last 14 games to drop to last place in the East at 54-60. The team has 13 players on the disabled list including slugger Jose Bautista who may return against Texas after missing a month with an injured left wrist. Designated hitter Edwin Encarnacion has been Toronto’s offensive bright spot with 29 home runs and 77 runs batted in and .288 average. An early surprise who led the A.L. East for awhile, the Orioles remain in strong wild card contention with a 62-53 record entering this week. The Rangers won three of four games in Baltimore in the only previous 2012 action between the teams. Former Rangers first baseman Chris Davis has fared well for Baltimore with a .252 average, 18 homers and 55 RBI. Former Texas pitchers Pedro Strop and Darren O’Day have been strong in the bullpen with a 4-2 record, 1.24 earned run average and 6-0, 2.51, respectively.

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AUGUST 15 - 21, 2012

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 49

The Ultimate Sports Bar By Blitz We e comments@b kly Staff litzweekly.co m We zigzagg ed sq. miles of la throughout the 8,991 find the ultima nd in the Metroplex to te We went fro sports bar experience. all the way m uptown to Addison to makes the “u Grapevine, but what lti the people? Th mate sports bar?” Is it combination e TVs? The wings? Or a o band of dru f all of the above? Our nken sports have tallied vagabonds eaten, drank the score and have , to buffalo sa and shouted their way uc Here’s how th ed filled debauchery. ey did it. Brin g napkins… lots and lots o f napkins.

AUGUST 15 - 21, 2012

Poke’s Bar & Grill (Addison) www.pokesplace.com NFL Allegiance: None College Affiliation: Oklahoma State NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 4 Number of screens: 26 Gameday specialty: Wings, stuffed jalapenos, chips & salsa Extra point: Beer specials San Francisco Rose (Lower Greenville) www.sanfranciscorose.com NFL Allegiance: Cowboys & 49er’s College Affiliation: Texas Tech, LSU, Texas NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 10 Number of screens: 15 Gameday specialty: Nachos

Extra point: Definitely the first sports bar in Dallas

Frankie’s Sports Bar (Uptown) www.frankiesbar.com NFL Allegiance: Cowboys College Affiliation: Texas NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 20 Number of screens: 48 Gameday specialty: Nachos, wings Extra point: Awesome game-watching experience

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p a T n o e v e St 10

AUGUST 15 - 21, 2012

t’s only right that for our annual Sports Bar issue we reach out to America’s new favorite bar’s bartender, Steve Byrne. From stand-up comedy to primetime when it’s pint time Steve knows how to leave his customers happy. With his new TBS show Sullivan & Son a hit, it’s time see if TV’s coolest drink jockey can conquer the world.

Working with Rob has been amazing. He is obviously very accomplished being the executive producer of Cheers for so many years. Working with Rob has been truly one of the highlights of my career to be honest with you. I mean I’ve been a stand-up comic for like 14 years now and he is probably one of the funniest guys that I’ve ever met in my life.

What was the phone call like last February when you got the call from TBS telling you the show was a go? [Laughing] It’s kind of like a double-edged sword because you’re like you’ve got it and you’re excited but then you realize “wow” I’ve really got it now I’ve got to start working. You have this great opportunity and you don’t want to blow it so I knew that there was a lot of work involved and we just wanted to make sure that we did the best [that we] could.

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Sullivan & Son’s Steve Byrne is always ready with a beer and a joke By C. Patterson - cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

Tell us about the significance of the Pittsburgh connection I always heard that when you’re writing you should write about what you know so the show is reflective of my real life, my real friends, and my real family. If I was going to go back home anywhere it would be back home in Pittsburgh because I do consider Pittsburgh my home town. You’ve been relentlessly touring since 2004. What has that experience brought to your new experience on Sullivan & Son? Well I think that, not to speak on behalf of the other guys, the great aspect of being a stand-up comic and then getting to do a television show is that you kind of come

What was it like working with Rob Long on the development of the show?

alive a bit more when you are in front of a live studio audience. We are fortunate to be one of the sitcoms that does tape in front of a live audience. I feel very comfortable up there in front of an audience and think the others guys do as well and there’s an energy that kicks in when you’re there and you can hear the audience laughing.

Ultimate Sports Bar continued Buffalo Joe’s Grill & Bar (Carrollton) www.thebuffalojoes.com NFL Allegiance: Giants College Affiliation: Texas & OU NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 20 Number of screens: 44 Gameday specialty: Wings Extra point: All sports packages (NHL, NFL, NBA, MLB, College)

Christies Sports Bar (Uptown) www.christiesportbar.com NFL Allegiance: None College Affiliation: None NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 15 Number of screens: 45 Gameday specialty: Wings, pizza Extra point: Uptown’s “original” sports bar Time Out Tavern (W. Lovers Ln) www.totdfw.com NFL Allegiance: Raiders, Bengals, Packers College Affiliation: Arkansas NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 2 Number of screens: 7 Gameday specialty: N/A Extra point: Serving Dallas’ social elite

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Quinlan’s Sports Grill & Bar (Carrollton) (972) 416-7600 *the gods of the Internet have yet to arrive here NFL Allegiance: Cowboys College Affiliation: None NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 3 Number of screens: 5 Gameday specialty: Wings, cheeseburgers, grilled chicken Extra point: Great place to watch a game

Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill (Richardson) www.bikinissportsbarandgrill.com NFL Allegiance: Steelers, Buccaneers College Affiliation: None NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 20 Number of screens: 42 Gameday specialty: Double Trouble, wings Extra point: The Girls

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If there were a WWE Battle Royale moment between the cast who could you suplex? Probably Vivian Bang my sister. It’s so funny I’m six-foot so I’m kind of tall by I guess Hollywood standards, but I’m the shortest guy on the show. Owen is 6’7, Roy is 6’3, and Ahmed Ahmed is 6’2. So when people see me on the show they must think ‘oh he must be like 5’8 or something’. I think I have to go the Tom Cruise route and start casting some guys that are shorter than me. What are some of your favorite things to do in Dallas other than tell jokes? I truly love the city of Dallas. The Addison Improv was one of the first comedy clubs to ever

AUGUST 15 - 21, 2012

headline me. So for me it’s like a really special place to be and it has always been one of my favorite clubs to perform at because I love the intimacy of the room. But what will I do when I’m in Dallas? [Pete’s] Dueling Piano Bar across the hall from the Addison Improv is where I always end up for some reason. Just getting hammered [Laughing]. I’ve been downtown a few times – I’m a huge JFK conspiracy buff. But I am really looking forward to the Dallas barbecue. See Steve at the Arlington Improv August 16-18 for the Sullivan & Son Comedy Tour and Sullivan & Son on TBS Thursday nights at 9pm.

BlackFinn American Saloon (Addison) www.blackfinndallas.com NFL Allegiance: Cowboys College Affiliation: Texas NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 20 Number of screens: 45 Gameday specialty: Sliders Extra point: The patio

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 49

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Ultimate Sports Bar continued McKinney Avenue Tavern (Uptown) www.thematonline.com NFL Allegiance: Cowboys College Affiliation: Ohio State NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 16 Number of screens: 20 Gameday specialty: Sliders, wings Extra point: location, location, location

McFadden’s (Addison) www.mcfaddensaddison.com NFL Allegiance: Bills College Affiliation: Notre Dame NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 20 Number of screens: 42 Gameday specialty: Wings Extra point: Our DJ

The Owner’s Box (Omni Dallas Hotel) www.omnihotels.com NFL Allegiance: Cowboys College Affiliation: Texas NFL Ticket: No ESPN College GamePlan: No Beers on tap: 6 Number of screens: 72 Gameday specialty: Nachos, wings Extra point: 16-ft tall screen

Sports Page Grill (W. Mockingbird) (214) 654-1021 *Wi-Filess NFL Allegiance: None College Affiliation: None NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 16 Number of screens: 12

Press Box Grill (Downtown) www.pressboxgrill.com NFL Allegiance: Steelers College Affiliation: LSU NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 36 Number of screens: 20 Gameday specialty: Wings, nachos Extra point: Better food than most sports bars

Gameday specialty: Sports Page Platter, wings

Extra point: Great food, friendly staff

Texan Station Sports Bar (Grapevine) www.gaylordhotels.com NFL Allegiance: Cowboys College Affiliation: All Texas based teams NFL Ticket: Yes ESPN College GamePlan: Yes Beers on tap: 8 Number of screens: 47

Gameday specialty: Bacon Cheese Fries, Fried Pickles

Extra point: 52-ft Hi Def sports screen

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 49

just heard

By Hannah Allen - hallen@blitzweekly.com

smile smile

Photo Courtesy: Kirtland Records

mile Smile has definitely become Dallas’ sweethearts … except that the once romantically involved duo broke up a few years ago. Maybe I’m old fashioned but whenever I’ve been part of a breakup there was none of this, “let’s still be friends” nonsense going on. Things didn’t work out so, really, why have a constant reminder – you go your way, I’ll go mine. This policy has served me well over the years, largely because I’ve always been of the mind that if you’re hanging around with your ex clearly you’re not over them and, well, that’s sort of desperate and pathetic. I just want to grab these poor people by the shoulders and scream, “YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS! YOU DESERVE LOVE!” So, this attitude may have, ever so slightly, colored my experience at the duo’s CD release party last weekend at The Granada Theater. Their last album, Truth on Tape is more or less the documentary of a breakup. The culmination of the entire thing is the title track, which testifies that their story has been irrefutably laid down on a record. You can imagine the awkwardness when singer Ryan Hamilton dedicated that song to keyboardist and co-singer Jencey Hirunrusme’s brand new husband after he shuddered and squirmed claiming he’d never actually heard her use that term prior. Awkwardness aside, I sometimes wonder if I’m the only less than devout follower of this newfangled electro-folk sound that seems to be sweeping the indie scene and slowly creeping into mainstream popular music. Bands like Sleigh Bells and even Dallas’ own Ishi don’t seem to have any kind of variance as far as overall sound goes. Sometimes during opening lines to some of these songs I can feel the spirit of duo-folk acts of yesteryear such as Bob Dylan and Joan Baez or Simon and Garfunkle but I miss the social consciousness that they brought with them. Admittedly, Hamilton’s vocals bear a striking resemblance to Paul Simon’s in the best way possible, but Smile Smile stays on

the same plane, sonically, throughout a song and from one song to the next. Undoubtedly the strongest part of the evening came during the slightly lame acoustic opening set comprised of two members of Bowling for Soup. Ryan Hamilton was invited onstage and the rest of Smile Smile’s backing band joined him for a second number as they performed songs from Hamilton and BFS front man Jaret Reddick’s side project, People on Vacation. The sound of this local super-group finds a happy medium between Reddick’s unique voice and Hamilton’s more sensitive songwriting. It’s nice to see Hamilton is, in fact, capable of writing about something other than girls and a broken heart but I’m honestly just scratching my head as to why it took the creation of a second band to be able to showcase any

type of versatility. Smile Smile’s sophomore effort Marry A Stranger on Kirtland records is ever so slightly harder hitting than Truth on Tape but both Hamilton and Hirunrusme’s performances lack range of any kind. The phrase one-track-pony consistently leaps to mind. Adding to the more-of-the-same vibe is the video of title track which features both singers at a fictitious wedding where Hirunrusme is cast as the bride and flees the wedding with Hamilton chasing behind, both singing mushy things like, “you’re my one and only” together. (cricket, cricket) I’m seriously failing to see how this type of unrequited whatever-the-hell is selling albums.

geek chic By Ethan Harmon - blackstar4556@gmail.com local magic store

uick! Think of your favorite magician. I’m sure many of you thought of David Blaine, Penn and Teller, or David Copperfield (hopefully Criss Angel did not cross your mind). What made these performers so special? Did the magician show a trick that you couldn’t figure out? Was the show itself stellar, replaying in your mind over and over? Or was it just the fact that these people pulled you out of your reality, for just a moment, and showed you a world of wonder? Many aspire to be magicians, but few people practice the craft. It seems like a difficult, time-consuming art. A local magic store – named Main Street Magic & Fun Company – is asking patrons to drop in so that they may explore the world of magic and potentially learn its secrets. Located in McKinney, Main Street Magic is

Photo Courtesy: Asmund Lovdal

housed in a small store, but the shop holds a universe of imagination. Cases are filled with card decks and coins, walls are lined with

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instructional videos (for all levels of experience), and novelties and props can be found in every corner. The employees are magicians themselves, each willing to show off an item in the store and give a magic demonstration. Each employee is a master of tricks, giving customers a show after they pass through the doors. These demonstrations are worth the trip alone. For those who are skeptical about trying the art, worry not, for Main Street Magic offers classes for everyone. Classes for every age and every experience level are available for anyone who wishes to receive lessons from a professional magician. If a more

refined class is wanted, it is not a problem, for the store also provides specialty classes. Slight-ofhand fanatics will be able to take a class solely on the trick. Vanishes, forces, and passes are shown to anyone who wants to know some very impressive, technical magic. If these terms are not in your vocabulary, make sure that you take a lesson and learn them quick. Main Street Magic & Fun Company is here to show locals the fun and joy of magic. It is here to inspire and bring the excitement, curiosity, wonderment back into the lives of everyone. The employees will bring awe to those who drop by, and provide knowledge for those who wish to spread the magic. Main Street Magic & Fun Company is located: 221 N. Tennessee, McKinney, Texas.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 49

By Aeryn Ripley– @BlitzWeekly

AUGUST 15 - 21, 2012

Randy Travis – Sure knows how to party. Last week the famous crooner was arrested for felony DUI while BUCK NAKED! That’s right, the country singer was wearing only what he was born in when cops found him lying outside of his crashed vehicle (a 1998 Pontiac Trans Am…how sad). Randy even threatened to shoot and kill the arresting officers. Poor bastard had to be given paper clothes. But on the bright side…wait, there’s no bright side.

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Madonna – Is afraid of terrorists! Her MDNA tour that was in Russia offered a warning to concertgoers stating, “The U.S. Consulate General in St. Petersburg has received information regarding a threat of physical violence against spectators and performers at the St. Petersburg concert on August 9.” I guess she’s worried that people will do more than boo her performance. Johnny Depp – Is the coolest man alive. Capt. Jack Sparrow stunned Aerosmith fans at their Hollywood Bowl concert last week and picked up his guitar and rocked out with the music legends. Then the newly single Depp attended the after party at the infamous Pink Taco and most likely went home to have some pink taco of his own.

Love -BW

Jason Bourne is front-page news. Pamela Landy and other officials are talking in Congressional hearings. Some officials have even been taken away in handcuffs. Meanwhile another similar project, called “Outcome”, is scrambling to coverup their illicit shenanigans. No one wants to have the same sort of public exposure as Treadstone and Operation Blackbriar. So, the cover-up begins. This film attempts to add another layer onto the Bourne saga. By constantly referring to events that are “happening” at the same time but in other parts of the world, such as the killing of Guardian correspondent Simon Ross in the London train station and the congressional hearings where Pam Landy is testifying – Legacy is able to piggy-back on the successful storytelling of the previous films. This is

By Joyce Alexander - @BlitzWeekly a clever idea however the rest of the story does not hold up on its own. It uses the other Bourne stories as a crutch. This is especially disappointing because the Director and writer of this film, Tony Gilroy, also wrote the screenplay for two of the previous Bourne movies. Aaron Cross played by Jeremy Renner, is a genetically enhanced version of Jason Bourne. He is the by-product of a public-private sector partnership between the CIA and a multi-national bioengineering company named Sterisyn-Morlanta. This company has incredible surveillance capabilities that make it possible for them to quickly sift through staggering amounts of up-to-the-minute video data from almost every corner of the world. Throughout the film they use these resources to chase after Cross and Doctor

MovieReview of The bourne legacy Guaranteed to pique the interest of the loyal Bourne fans, this installment to the Bourne series will disappoint audiences who are looking for a repeat of the rock solid action of the first three Bourne films. The Bourne Legacy lacks the constant heart pumping action that can be found in the previous versions of this story. Written and directed by Tony Gilroy The Bourne Legacy can only be called a lukewarm thriller. While the film has a couple of interesting car chase scenes, the contrived story and lack-luster acting undercut the film. Legacy takes an unusual approach that is bound to get Bourne fans back in the theater. It is not a sequel or even a prequel. It is an installment of the movie series that takes place at the same time as the events in The Bourne Ultimatum. In Legacy,

Marta Shearing, played by Rachel Weisz. In the original films Jason Bourne is a relatable hero because he struggles with age-old questions arising from his search for identity. He asks imponderable questions like, “Who am I”. In Legacy, Aaron Cross does not seek the answer to any universal questions. He simply asks, “Where are the drugs.” That’s right. This generation of special agent is dependent on drugs. Our hero wants to renew his drug supply. It is kind of hard to sympathize with a hero who is looking for a fix. Aaron Cross is not Jason Bourne and this film is not as good as its predecessors. While we grow to like Jason Bourne because he is a reluctant warrior fighting to regain his humanity; it is a lot harder to feel the same about Aaron Cross.

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AUGUST 15 - 21, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 49

gearshift : 2012 audi A6

By David Goodspeed - dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com Photos Courtesy: Audi

from A to Zoom

hen Audi was preparing to release the seventh-generation A6 luxury sports sedan, it knew the marque was an improvement over the model it replaces. How much better? Winning the International Design Excellence Award (IDEA) for 2012 AND the coveted red dot award honoring benchmarks in quality for starters, not to mention year-to-date sales increases topping 123 percent for the model. Yeah, it’s that good. Audi’s trophy case is filling nicely since introducing the 2012 A6 model last fall, placing an emphasis on athleticism and elegance. It competes with the BMW 5-Series and E-Class

from Mercedes along with the new GS from Lexus. The Audi A6 has gone to a composite construction concept, meaning body components are sourced from aluminum with high-tech steel utilized in the core structure. As a result, the new A6 is lighter yet more rigid and safe and all of which work to produce a more comfortable, refined, and dynamic driving experience. For 2012, the A6 is offered in sedan, hybrid, and Avant wagon models in front- and all-wheel drive. Gasoline models are powered by a 2.0liter turbo four or supercharged 3.0-liter V-6 engine. Our recent tester arrived in 3.0 TFSI quattro sedan dress. Up front the new A6 greets the world with

Audi’s signature trapezoidal grille and cat-like headlamps with very clean bodylines. Fit and finish is outstanding, inside and out with Audi giving the new A6 a more driver-oriented cockpit. The 2012 A6 models are also loaded to the gills with the latest in amenities and safety technology such as MMI navigation plus, active lane assist, park assist, night vision assistant, and Audi’s pre sense accident avoidance safety system.

A6 is lighter yet more rigid and safe Powering our test model A6 was the 310hp 3.0-liter V-6 generating 325 lb. ft. of torque and backed by new eight-speed automatic transmission with Tiptronic manual shift mode and steering wheel mounted paddles. Fuel economy rolls in at a pleasant 19 mpg city and 28 mpg highway and 0-60 mph time has dropped from 5.9 seconds on the predecessor to 5.3 seconds

Pioneer XDJ-AERO Time to shake yo groove thang all over the dance floor. Pioneer’s new WiFi-enabled XDJ-AERO is taking digital DJing to a whole new level. It has a 24-bit audio interface, two-channel mixer, FX and filters, and zero cables. Load up from your smartphone or laptop and then it’s time to drop it like it’s hot. ($1,399)

Paparazzo iPhone Light Turn anywhere into a red carpet event with highly invasive tool. The Paparazzo iPhone Light gives your normal iPhone a huge advantage by adding a 300 lumen LED light that connects to the phone’s dock connector. Plus the PPL adds a dedicated shutter button and a grip. Let the party begin. ($50)

California Silverado Headphones The Californication of your ears has finally come. Introducing the anti-Dre Beats, the California Silverados. These babies are tuned specifically for rock and country music and have a collapsible tri-fold design with leather ear cups, 360-degree articulating hinges, duo-jack removable cord plugs and 40mm titanium drivers. ($230) Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

in the new car. Power is distributed 40/60 front and rear respectively by the quattro permanent AWD system with self-locking center differential and torque vectoring for the maximum traction control. Drivers can take advantage of Audi’s drive select system allowing dynamic enhancement of suspension, steering, throttle, and transmission systems. We were treated to the addition of the Sport package on our test version that saw 19-inch wheels and tires as well as sport suspension tuning added to the car along with the Prestige package adding quite a bit more technology inside and the S-Line trim outside. Pricing for the 2012 A6 sedan with 3.0 TFSI engine begins at $49,900 with our extremely loaded tester coming in with a sticker of $61,530. Judging by the improvements we experienced on this new A6, Audi is proving it is an automotive force to be reckoned with.

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Q: What do blondes say after sex? A: Thanks guys! Q: Did you hear about the leper who was a gigolo? A: His business was doing rather well until it fell apart. Q: Did you know that Lorena Bobbitt moved to Russia and changed her name? A: She now goes by the name of Ivana Cutchacokov.

AUGUST 15 - 21, 2012

Blitz Funnys

A Texas-Sized Bet A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman. The Texan says “yes” and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheered as the Texan sat in amazement. The Texan gave the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya’ don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?” The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

PAID VACATION, TOO? Discussing the removal of Dallas’ Parkland Memorial Hospital’s top CEO, Dr. Ron Anderson, The Dallas Morning News reported his “compensation” for not doing his job will still keep him off food stamps. “Rehired” as advisor to the new CEO, Anderson, according to The News, “is being paid $303,000 annually for his new 20-hour-a-week position.” (That comes to $291.35 for each and every hour he “works.”) REAL HOT DOGS Seoul, South Korea – During the warmest times of each year, many Koreans, be they North or South, recreate their diets to include canine (dog) meat, believing

Leo July 23 – August 22 Circumstances this week will have you landing a job that requires a name tag unfortunately it will not lead to anyone actually knowing your name.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 The Olympics might be over but you can still hold your head high knowing that you took home gold in the “nohands” sausage eating event!

Virgo August 23 – September 22 Lately you’ve heard several rationalsounding arguments for the legalization of drugs but for some weird reason you can’t seem to remember what they are.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Next week on Thursday you’ll experience a conundrum like no other when forced to decide between three delicious desserts after dinner.

Libra September 23 – October 22 Your new found love has thrown you into an exciting whirlwind of passion and euphoria, but one of these days you’ll actually have to meet the person.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Focus can sustain a person through many personal trials, but unfortunately, there’s no real reason to believe that the new Total Recall remake will be tolerable.

it will help them tolerate high temperatures more comfortably. And, Aug. 7, 2012, a sizable number of protesters crammed themselves into wire cages in this capital city to protest. (How about cat meat?) HE WORE A BADGE OF STUPID The Waco Tribune-Herald tells of McClennan County (TX) Democratic sheriff’s candidate Edward Leon Rhoudes, who became involved in a road rage incident, and was charged with punching and choking a fellow motorist... then later released on a $2,500 bond. “METH” IS NO METHOD TO SANITY The Omaha World-Herald tells of Jason Dornhoff, 38, who filled out a job application at a Kearney, Nebraska, restaurant. Problem was, after filling out the application, Dornhoff turned it over and wrote the following before handing it to management: “I have no money, a huge bomb in my truck, and a syringe of bleach that will kill you instantly. If you be quiet and help me, you won’t die.” After his arrest, police determined he was high on methamphetamines.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 You’ve always believed that people are basically good. However this week will go a long way in convincing you that most aren’t good in bed making you question your sexuality. Pisces February 19 – March 20 After a week of bragging the Muses pull the plug on you at Thursday’s Karaoke event. Aries March 21 – April 19 The stars predict that you’ll spend your days walking on sunshine, but you’ll still spend your nights going to dive bars with the same old group of friends.

ACROSS ACROSS 1. Amount of hair 6. Chunk 10. Air force heroes 14. Seraglio 15. Largest continent 16. Gossip 17. Tending to vanish like vapor 19. Concern 20. Get cozy 21. Charge 22. Anger 23. Bushbaby 25. Aquamarine 26. Dry riverbed 30. Jubilant 32. Forsake 35. Melodious 39. Not greater 40. A type of organic compound

41. Honorable 43. The easing of tensions 44. H ighly seasoned fatty sausage 46. Stag or doe 47. Yummy 50. Anagram of “Talon” 53. Lasso 54. Obtain 55. Optical illusion 60. Weightlifters pump this 61. To begin with 63. Ear-related 64. Wash 65. Follow as a result 66. A period of discounted prices 67. Run away 68. Violent disturbances

Taurus April 20 – May 20 Next Friday will be a Friday through and through though it will feel like a case of the ‘Mondays’. Gemini May 21 – June 21 Your lover will break up with you via a series of poorly written drunken text messages on Sunday, Cancer June 22 – July 22 Your desire to reenact the shower scenes from Shawshank Redemption will end up having you permanently banned from the downtown YMCA.

DOWN 1. Not now 2. Rant 3. Historical periods 4. Dispatched 5. Aroma 6. Varnish ingredient 7. Beneficial 8. Inorganic 9. Head 10. Recognized 11. Seat 12. Not late 13. Metal 18. Behold 24. Adult males 25. Type of cap 26. Welt 27. Assist in crime 28. Short run 29. Continual and persistent demands 31. Kid

33. Rot 34. By mouth 36. Ice cream holder 37. Initial wager 38. Lascivious look 42. Sidelong 43. Cacophony 45. Impulse 47. Threesomes 48. Heart artery 49. Go bad 51. French for “Friend” 52. A protective covering 54. Tiger Wood’s sport 56. Hindu princess 57. As well 58. Oversupply 59. Visual organs 62. G

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AUGUST 15 - 21, 2012

The CLOSER

Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

Unfortunate Swoop By Geriatric George --By Posie Pocket Just when I thought I’d experienced the ultimate shock from the opposite sex…a chatty, hyper, slightly older man knocks my socks off. Unfortunately it wasn’t in the headboardbanging, orgasm-inducing sort of way. Nope. It was with lies dripping from his tongue. A tongue my mouth (or any other areas) will never know. Thank goodness. It’s probably infested with disease and old man spit. Anyway, the point is, if this chap had been straight and honest with me, I’d be on my back and he’d be tossing pennies into my fountain of youth right now. Let’s rewind to a week ago where this frog, disguised as a hotass prince popped up in my life. I am a bit of a romantic, obsessed with serendipitous moments and fate. A little secret about me is that I’ve always had this feeling I will meet “the one” randomly. It would be love at first sight and he’d sweep me off my feet in one big swoop. So forgive me for being a little smitten and hopeful during the upcoming chain of events. I was in the waiting room of a spa for a longanticipated massage. I had just worked out, so I was a sweaty little specimen, wearing sweatpants, a hoodie and no bra. Oh yes, and a sweaty baseball cap to secure my drenched rat’s nest of hair. I am sitting there patiently waiting and anticipating the fabulous massage when this handsome chap sits next to me and comments about my hat. I randomly threw on the hat at the last minute and it donned my alma mater. We quickly dove into a conversation where we both were hanging on every word. No awkward silences. Just effortless flow. Did I mention he was easy on the eyes? I quickly glanced at his left hand to see if he was already snatched up. No ring! In the midst of our chatter, he asked for my business card. He rattled off that he was a Senior VP of sales and marketing and he wanted to help me. Hello red flag. I see you! I can still think he’s cute though, right? Fast forward a few hours and we were deep in texts. I kid you not…these texts were doused in words of adoration and slightly obsessive tendencies. He begged to take me out, claiming he’d propose to me on the first date. Just stupid sh*t like that. I can’t count how many times I rolled my eyes, thinking he was a lunatic. I was still flattered and loved the idea of being his pretty young thang. I was recently single too, so a little flattery to boost the ego ain’t no crime. A few more days pass and the texts and phone calls are intensifying. With that intensity brought a few more red flags: losing his phone in a cab, contacting me on Linkedin, sending me photos of

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homeless retarded women he’s talking to. I am definitely realizing he has a serious case of “look at me, I’m so fabulous.” Oh! And he sent me a photo of himself and I didn’t even ask for it. No offense, but don’t send girls photos of yourself unless they ask. And it’s gross if they ask. They probably won’t. As mentioned, our convos were fueled by foolish and bold declarations on his part. I cautiously submerged myself into them. I felt like I was making my way into the ocean, dipping one little toe at a time. At one point I flat out asked him if he had kids. He said “no.” In fact, his exact words were “no… none that I know of. No blue-eyed Mexican children in California.” Okay whatever the hell that means. I did know he was divorced and that absolutely made me pump the breaks. Well surprise, surprise. A week after our initial meeting and suddenly the texts and calls stop all together. I thought “for sure he’s banging some little twinkie” in another city. Which is fine, whatever, we weren’t even close to exclusive, let alone handholding. But, be honest about where you stick your d*ck. He claimed he was an honest, wholesome Midwesterner. Well here’s a tip for you Georgey Porgey: don’t tarnish the Midwestern name and drag it through the mud with your incessant lies. So when his silence was much louder and noticeable than the hundreds of texts I received from him, I decided some secret must be being kept. Luckily I’d spent hours and hours watching Lifetime movies that featured psycho, crazy b*tches as leading ladies. Those lazy Sunday afternoons were definitely not time wasted and I am now eternally grateful for the educational content. I am also glad I never slept with this devilish man disguised as a Ken doll. Plus, this Geriatric George probably had kind of loose skin and balls. So my friends and I began our digital sleuthing and located several pertinent items. First, we found his age (which he was very evasive about), his marriage record and his ex-wife’s name. Then I hit the jackpot. Luckily, his ex-wife’s family posted their long family tree online. Hooray for genealogy! And there you go - he had kids after all! What a freaking idiot.

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The

AnsweR GUY with Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur, I am a 36-year-old sanitation worker and I recently met a young lady. The only reason I bring up my current occupation is that she has an ex who was quite successful in his career and she mentions it from time to time. I don’t think she does it to belittle me, but it does bother me a bit. And it doesn’t help that my route happens to run in front of her job so her co-workers see me. Can this relationship work? Signed, Down in the dumps Dan There’s no need to be down in the dumps Dan! I happen to know that sanitation workers are making very comfortable livings and many are making more than guys with BA’s. This woman seems to feed into the white and blue collar workers should stick to their own kind type of social caste system manifesto. Women like that tend to favor the good things in life, or at least the illusion of them. The perception that she’s found Mr. RIGHT 401K, who has the the right career and social standing, means everything to some women. It’s obvious that she still isn’t over her ex’s money! She may be over him but not over what he could do and provide for her. Money cannot buy love! It can, however, buy stuff and a lot of women like fancy stuff. There comes a point when a woman gets bored with trying to Keep up with the Kardashians and wants something real! She wants and needs a relationship! The problem is will she allow her conscious mind to truly embrace your potential relationship? The only way to find out is if you first embrace your current occupation! Once you feel comfortable within your job than you won’t worry about what she or her friends think of it or you.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 49

AUGUST 15 - 21, 2012

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