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on deck

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

welcome to your fantasy

Re al The

SPORTS NEWS On Deck

Bad Boys Bad Boys

Cowboys Training Camp

Out in Left Field

Pee Wee Football

ague Le ll

asy Footb nt a a F

Cover Story Sideline Assassins

7-14

BLITZ Entertainment Breanna

Hollywood Shuffle

Dream Girl Olivia Wilde

Beam Me Up

Liam Hemsworth Interview

Geek Chic

Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News

The CLOSER Pocketful of Peens

The Answer Guy

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Graphic Designer Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Photos Danae: Dom Savini Angela: Tennessee Titans Leslie: Baltimore Ravens Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mateeka Lanee, Mark Miller Contributing Photographers Keith Allison, Matt Bowen, Justin Hammond, Jamie Koslow, Paul Ladd, Matt Pearce, Eric Powell, Scott Rovak, Dom Savini, Jasen Vinlove, Statdad Contributing Writers Arthur Bellfield, Jay Betsill, Ethan Harmon, Scott Holub, Sierra Houk, Posie Pocket, Aeryn Ripley, Darnell Scribes

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

his year I’ve been invited (read: suckered) into joining a well-established fantasy football league. Since my reputation, pride and $20 are on the line, I’ve been researching the best possible methods to approach this season. Of course my goal is to win, but really for a first-timer it’s about not coming in last. So I researched and channeled my nerdiness to come up with easy tips to make sure your fantasy doesn’t turn into a nightmare.

even if you’re not able to draft one of the famous elites to your squad.

#1 Remember fantasy football is a game and to win you need to know the rules. Some leagues reward bonus points to receivers after a set number of catches, some will value yardage more heavily than others. And while you’re in a studious mindset, learn the bye weeks. It’s great if you have a solid roster of stars, but if they share a bye week each of them will be warming your make-believe bench while your opponents win some easy games.

#5 Another issue to consider is whether or not you want to take a chance on some rookies. There is always the chance that fresh meat will underperform when it counts. Every now and then a new guy comes into the game and makes a name for himself, but there will be many who won’t. Unless you’re positive you’ve got a winner on your hands save these kids until the later rounds.

#2 From what I can tell, go big when it comes to running backs. Their ability to score on the ground and through the air makes them highly valuable. RBs will be the key in racking up the most total yards and if chosen carefully they can make or break your fantasy season. #3 Tempting as it may be, don’t just pick your favorite quarterback. During your non-fantasy football time you can talk as much trash about QBs across the league, but when drafting players you may miss a playmaker. Statistics show that even a decent quarterback can help you win,

bad boys bad boys

#4 Try to draft backup players that will be free to play when your starters are on the bye-week or suffer injuries. Cowboys fans are starting this season with a team rife with injuries and after watching these preseason games it’s obvious that not everyone is going to make it to the field later in the year.

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Only stock that is doing worse is Dr. Ayde’s re-used syringes!

#6 Once you’ve completed the draft you’re going to feel that you’ve put together a contending team. But there will be some lesser-known talent on your roster that will pick up the slack when there is fatigue after Game 7. Do everything you can to research these guys’ history, because they can be serious trade bait when times get desperate. Unfortunately some things on the battlefield of fantasy sports will just come down to luck. We all know someone who goes to Vegas and hits the jackpot every time, which makes the long ride home downright annoying. Study up and plan your attack so you have a fighting chance.

Loan Deaf The pleas from Tone Loc’s baby mama for him to pay his child support have fallen on deaf ears. The hip hop legend owes a whopping $40,512 in back pay and Eilise Sharkey wants him to fork over some cash ASAP. Back in October of 2011 Tone was ordered to pay $3, 376 a month for their son and so far all the kid has been getting is the funky cold medina.

Can’t Catch a Break Well it seems the life of alleged domestic abuser Chad Johnson just can’t find a ray of sunshine. Now after losing his wife, job, TV show, and coconut water endorsement, the disgraced receiver now has a lien on his Florida home for $130,000 for stiffing a guy who worked on the home. If the debt isn’t paid the house could be foreclosed on. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

AUGUST 22 - 28, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 50 Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

cowboys training camp

By J ay Betsill – @thefamousjay Scott Holub – @cowboytrivia

gearing up for first home preseason game Cowboys Fall To The Chargers The Dallas Cowboys are halfway through the preseason following a 28-20 loss on the road to the San Diego Chargers. Ironically, the Cowboys should feel much better about their team than after the 3-0 snoozer of a victory over the Oakland Raiders on Monday night in the Bay Area. The first team offense played much better with running back DeMarco Murray gaining some productive yards and Tony Romo managing to avoid being sacked behind the make-shift line that did play better than the Oakland game. Dallas was without 19 players including DeMarcus Ware, Jason Witten, Jay Ratliff, Miles Austin, Mike Jenkins, Anthony Spencer, Jason Hatcher, Nate Livings and Phil Costa in the loss to the Chargers. Next up for the Cowboys is a home contest against the St. Louis Rams at 7 p.m. on August 25. The game will be broadcast on CBS 11 (Silver Star Network). Carr Gets Two Picks, Claiborne Pleased With First Game The Cowboys top draft pick looked fine in his debut, due in part to the Chargers choosing to throw to prized free agent Brandon Carr’s side of the field. Carr basically baited Phillip Rivers into throwing the first pick, while he bobbled the second interception a few times before coming down with the ball. “It was the first time playing in a game since the national championship,” Claiborne, the firstround pick out of LSU, said, “but just being out there with my teammates, running around with those guys, it was fun.” Ogletree Shines In San Diego The debate on who should be the Cowboys third receiver following Laurent Robinson’s free agent departure to Jacksonville has ranged from those who believe Dallas should bring in a veteran to the supporters of Kevin Ogletree or Cole Beasley and Danny Coale. Ogletree caught four passes for 60 yards against the Chargers’ firstand second-team

units and in the process separated himself from the pack. His 35-yard reception across the middle against the Chargers’ Quentin Jammer helped set up the Cowboys first touchdown. “What I liked about Ogletree was, in tight, when it was a collision to get the ball, he made the big catch,” Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said. “One of the criticisms of him is physically he needs to get better when he has the physically contested ball. I think he’s shown that with that big catch. I thought he made a statement for himself.” Felix Jones On The Bubble? Felix Jones was given the chance to be the Cowboys’ starting running back to start last season and lost the job to DeMarco Murray. Jones is in the last year of his rookie contract after being drafted in the first round (22nd overall) in 2008 out of Arkansas -- ahead of Pittsburgh’s Rashard Mendenhall (23), Tennessee’s Chris Johnson (24), Chicago’s Matt Forte (44) and Baltimore’s Ray Rice (55). While recovering from shoulder surgery, Jones missed all of the off-season program and followed that up by failing the conditioning test at the beginning of training camp. His game action has seen two dropped passes and less than enthusiastic grades from running the ball. There has been increasing chatter that Jones may be given his walking papers with Phillip Tanner as the primary back-up to Murray. “He has to continue to play and practice hard and get himself in physical shape to play football,” Garrett said, after the Chargers game. “But I think he looks good. He looks like he has some quickness and some burst. It was good to see him out there for a few snaps.” Roster Moves The Cowboys waived former TCU running back Ed Wesley on August 17 and safety Justin TaplinRoss on August 19. Following their departures, Cowboys have 88 players on the roster entering practice against the San Diego Chargers.

Photo Courtesy: Matt Pearce

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AUGUST 22 - 28, 2012

Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison

Upcoming Schedule: 8/22 orioles 7:05 p.m. 8/23 twins 7:05 p.m. 8/24 twins 7:05 p.m. 8/25 twins 3:05 p.m. 8/26 twins 2:05 p.m. 8/27 rays 7:00 p.m. 8/28 rays 7:05 P.M.

By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com

inconsistency keeping team back from best

f the Texas Rangers could keep hitting like they did in their series finales and pitch like they did most of last week, they’d have little to worry about the rest of the 2012 season. It’s the fact they aren’t doing that every day that is keeping them from running away with the American League West division championship. And it’s that inconsistency that keeps giving their fans alternate bouts of heartburn and joy. In salvaging the last of four games in New York last Thursday, the Rangers pounded out 16 hits to beat the Yankees 10-6. That came after Texas managed just four runs and 14 hits in the three previous games in the matchup of the American League’s best two teams. Sunday at Toronto, the Rangers had 19 hits, three by Michael Young including his first home run in 89 games. That allowed them to take the series two games to one and the season series 6-3. While they split the previous two games in Canada, they managed just four runs and nine hits. “It was good to have a good offensive game as a team,” Young told mlb.com after Sunday’s 11-2 victory. “We haven’t had one of those games in a while, so it definitely felt good. We really fed off (Harrison) today. Usually when you have a good offensive performance, you feed off the starting pitcher.” Young drove in five runs, Elvis Andrus had four hits and David Murphy kept up his hot pace with three of his 10 hits for the week. While the offense was up and down, the starting pitching shined in five of the seven games. Matt Harrison had two of the strong outings, yielding just one run and five hits in 6.1 innings of a 3-0 loss to the Yankees and two hits in eight innings in

Sunday’s win at Toronto. Yu Darvish gave up just three hits and three runs, walking a season-low one batter and striking out 10 but lost to the Blue Jays 3-2 on Friday. Roy Oswalt, starting for Ryan Dempster, gave up just two hits in 4.2 innings in Saturday’s 2-1 win and Scott Feldman allowed three runs on seven hits in last Wednesday’s 3-2 loss to the Yankees. Dempster missed the Toronto series reportedly because he forgot his passport. Home sweet home After completing a 3-4 road trip, the Rangers returned home Monday to begin a 10-game home stand against Baltimore, Minnesota and Tampa Bay. They held a five-game lead over the Oakland A’s and a nine-game edge over the fading Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Texas has won five of six meetings with the Twins in 2012 including two of three at home right before the All-Star break. Minnesota entered this week with a 50-70 record, 15 games behind Chicago in the A.L. Central division. The Rangers have only met the Rays once this season when they dropped two of three games at home in April. The teams meet six times between now and Sept. 9. Tampa Bay won eight of its previous 10 games through Sunday to trail the Yankees by just 4.5 games in the A.L. East. At 6754, the Rays are in the hunt for one of two league wild card teams. The Rangers hope to have catcher Mike Napoli back Sunday, the first day he’s eligible to return from the disabled list with a strained left quad. Reliever Koji Uehara, out since June 10 with a right lateral strain, also may return then. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

AUGUST 22 - 28, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 50

are they ready for some football? By Darnell Scribes – myboxseat@gmail.com

Pee Wee Power is in Peril

hile youth football is on the rise it’s also in a crisis even though it’s seemingly gaining more popularity because of the names and personalities involved with teams these days. The numbers indicate overall football participation across all age ranges has decreased from 10.1 million in 2006 to 9 million in 2011with the most significant drops in the 12-17 and 18-24 age groups (National Sporting Goods Association). This decline may if fact be due to the real and perceived risks of the sport. Concussions are a hot button topic of conversation on all levels from Pop Warner all the way up to the NFL. To further complicate matters on the field, the talent and size gaps are growing wider due in part to parent’s ability to spend on training and diets for their kids. Some parents don’t hesitate to shell out big bucks on supplements, personal trainers, and skills camps. All of this translates to a

or, strangely enough, daughters on the field. Stars like Snoop Dogg and Deion Sanders are leading the charge to spark a new generation of footballers to ensure that the future of the sport is bright. Most of them see it as a chance to be around the passion of their life and also give back. A little less than a couple of months ago Deion, founder of PrimePrep Academy, took the show on the road to spread the good news of youth football. Traveling from city to city with his team the “TRUTH.” Sanders is inspiring other coaches, sponsors, young athletes and supporters to continue to build their organizations. I spoke with Byron Jenkins the founder of 501 Marketing based out of Fayetteville, Arkansas about his thoughts on youth football. Jenkins is a part of a group that also includes former former Dallas Cowboy Reggie Swinton that was very instrumental in bringing “TRUTH” to Little Rock. Here is a snippet of our conversation:

Photo Courtesy: Statsdad more intense environment than is already visibly present in these pint-sized warriors. So, now your underdeveloped kid is in the direct path of a semisuper child prodigy, who in the eyes of the parent is on a bullet train to the NFL and nothing should stop them. Here in Texas where bigger is always better, nothing is bigger or better than football for any age group. A 12-year-old boy is being banned from play on his Pee Wee football team because he is, simply put, built like an adult. Weighing in at nearly 300 lbs and standing at close to 6ft, he is more than twice the weight limit of the maximum allowed to participate in the division. Although he is gargantuan in size, he’s just a kid and wants to play with his peers and I’m sure he sees it as all fun. But for the other parents on the sidelines watching all you can think about is hospital bills and tears. People still love and can’t seem to get enough of the contact. The exciting speed of the game and joy of being on a team won’t deter the most genuine fan from wanting to see their sons

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What is the best part of youth football? The building of relationships, team, community, coaches, parents, the camaraderie overall. That’s the best part, the camaraderie. What would you consider is the biggest concern? Concussions, with the scare of what’s going on in the NFL and we are starting to see more of the facts, some of these injuries are starting in the Pee Wee leagues. Back in the day it was just called getting your “bell rung”. Now with what we know, there is a lot more precaution taken for the players health. How was it to work with Deion Sanders in helping promote the game? It was cool, he’s a legend, very personable. You know Deion has never met a stranger. Hall of Famer. Good to see him in awe over my alma mater Central High School. Jenkins didn’t hesitate to state that he believes as many others do, youth football will continue to thrive and grow. Even in this climate of head injury scares and what looks to be growing questions about kids and this game leaving us to ask “Are they ready for…some football”?

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AUGUST 22 - 28, 2012

GO THERE

Now Open…Tailgaters recently celebrated their Chamber RibbonCutting Ceremony last week. Their first ever Sports Bar Triathlon consisted of a heated field of participants who demonstrated their skills in darts, pool and shuffleboard was won by Karen Raymond and Peter Beshara. * 50 TVs * Happy Hour 3-7pm Everyday * Lunch Specials * Great Food * Family Friendly Come Get Some!!! 7777 Warren Parkway Frisco – 75034 972.377.3777 www.tailgatersfrisco.com

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JAMIL

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Photo Courtesy: Omarlla - Fisher Creative Image Carmen - San Francisco 49ers, Jeanne - Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Omarll

Jeann

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Carm

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Marissa

Ivelis

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M TEA . T . O H.

s y l Ide

EN R U A L Photos Courtesy: Ivelisse - Dom Savini Lauren - Goodstuff Creative, Idelys - Miami Dolphins Ltd. Marissa - Jacksonville Jaguars

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Breanna

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! H 0 0 TS

AGEN IYA

Karie

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y n a f Tif

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ON:

PATRICIA

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Irresistible

LAURA

MISSI

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 50

By Aeryn Ripley– @BlitzWeekly

AUGUST 22 - 28, 2012

Rihanna – Misses her some of that Chris Brown loving. The superstar pop diva spoke with Oprah about her tumultuous relationship and RihRih said, “…he made that mistake because he needed help.” And continued with, “Nobody’s going to say he needs help. Everybody’s going to say he’s a monster without looking at the source.” Hopefully there won’t be a round two.

Terrell Owens – Officially has an NFL gig so his baby mama(s) want him to pay up! Last year T.O. said that he couldn’t afford to pay the $5,000 per month child support but now with a contract valued at just below a million bucks the ghosts of knocked up past want their moola.

Love -BW

The Journey to a Better You ~

Starts Now!

IT’S TIME.

214-236-4162 2gofit@gmail.com

and philosophies of Star Trek and how they relate to the human experience. “I’ve always wanted the opportunity to examine the philosophy of Star Trek from a Roddenberry perspective and get to the core of what has been inspiring fans for decades,” said Executive Producer Rod Roddenberry, son of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry. “I can think of no better homage to the franchise than to take on 30 seasons of television, comprised of six different series, by journeying into every one of the 726 Star Trek episodes.”

By Sierra Houk - www.AlmostNerdy.com Hosted by veteran podcasters John Champion (DVD Geeks) and Ken Ray (Mac OS Ken), Mission Log will offer a balanced yet critical analysis of the underlying themes, metaphors and subtexts intertwined in each Star Trek episode. Along with a variety of guests and interviews, the podcast will attempt to explore Star Trek’s ethical subtext, understand its complex metaphors and finally figure out what was the trouble with those tribbles. Unique to Mission Log, producers and hosts have the opportunity to research the exclusive Roddenberry family archives to consult historic resources, such as Gene’s handwritten notes on his original scripts. Mission Log marks the first piece of new entertainment from Nerdist since their recent

beam me up - New podcast is boldly going places

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Lady Gaga – Ain’t scared of PETA. The singer issued a warning of sorts to the infamously militant animal rights group who are known for flour bombings and paint splashing fur-wearing targets. Gaga wrote, “I respect your views, please respect mine. And to campaigners, save your flour to make bread for the children who are hungry.”

Roddenberry Entertainment has partnered with Nerdist Industries to bring fans a new podcast series with the sole purpose of exploring the Star Trek universe one episode at a time. Titled Mission Log, the podcast features an entertaining and provocative examination of the legendary franchise’s more than 700 hours of television programming. Starting with the series pilot, “The Cage,” and progressing sequentially through the final season of Star Trek: Enterprise, Mission Log delves into the most historical and interesting aspects of science fiction that Star Trek has to offer. The podcast is the first time Roddenberry will lead the dialogue surrounding the plot points, principles

purchase by Legendary Entertainment. Much like how Star Trek created an intersection between technology and entertainment, Mission Log ventures into new media while providing audiences with new and interesting perspectives on one of the largest science fiction phenomena of all time. Mission Log will be produced weekly and be available for free download every Thursday on MissionLogPodcast.com and Nerdist.com. Fans are encouraged to engage in the dialogue by posting comments on the Facebook page and tweeting at @missionlogpod.

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AUGUST 22 - 28, 2012

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HollywoodPROFILE - liam hemsworth The Expendables are back and this time it’s personal... Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), Toll Road (Randy Couture) and Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) -- with newest member Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) -- are reunited when Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) enlists The Expendables to take on a seemingly simple job. The task looks like an easy paycheck for Barney and his band of oldschool mercenaries, but when things go wrong

by all his favorite action movie stars! Tell us about your character? I play Billy the Kid. He’s the new, young gun Expendable in the group. He’s been trained as a sniper. He’s been in the army for three years and has just left the army. The Expendables were looking for a new person for the group, and he got the job. He’s a good kid and a really good sniper.

By Vivian Fullerlove — vfullerlove@blitzweeky.com

kind of [situations]. That was my research, I guess, and then just being healthy and fit. I’ve been running a lot just trying to keep it really militant, I guess. What was it like working with so many huge action movie stars? It was been pretty incredible working with all these guys. I watched all their movies when I was a kid, Rocky, Van Damme’s movies, Bruce Willis’ movies. It’s pretty weird to be on a set with all of them at once, you know, hanging out and chatting like you’re chatting with someone else. It was awesome. They’re honestly all the nicest guys. How does your character relate to some of the others since he’s the youngster in the group? Barney, played by Stallone, and Billy are similar because they are both good guys and want to take down bad guys. They feel like they’re the best people to do it if anyone’s going to do it. They are different because Billy basically comes to the realization that he doesn’t want to do this for the rest of his life. It’s not that he doesn’t want to end up like these guys, but I think he wants to have a real life.

and one of their own is viciously killed, The Expendables are compelled to seek revenge in hostile territory where the odds are stacked against them. And you can believe they’ll do it The Expendables way. I sat down with the Aussie heartthrob Liam Hemsworth to talk about the movie and what it was like being surrounded

And how does one go about training to be a sniper? Did you do any special research or preparation for the role? I have a security guard friend who is an exsniper. I asked him a lot of questions about his missions, and what it’s like and what he wears and just the frame of mind you’re in with those

And you and Van Damme shared a special “moment” on set, right? What happened? I got kicked by him on one take, and he wasn’t supposed to. He kicked me in the chest, and I think it was more a gift from him because it’s one of the most famous kicks I’ll ever get. You can check out Liam, Van Damme and a whole host of your favorite 80’s action icons in The Expendables 2 this weekend. The film is rated R for strong, bloody violence throughout.

geek chic By Ethan Harmon - blackstar4556@gmail.com

Photo Courtesy: Eric Powell

why dc should not make a justice league movie

arvel’s The Avengers hit theaters early this summer, shattering box office records, becoming the third highest grossing movie of all time, and winning over the hearts of every patron who went to witness the awe-inspiring, action spectacle. The Marvel movie train does not stop there, however, for sequels to Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor are well on their way, along with Guardians of the Galaxy, all which build up to The Avengers 2 (written and directed by Joss Whedon). How does DC fair compared to this movie giant? The sad truth is: not so well. Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight Trilogy did wonders for the comic book and movie universes respectively. The director’s take on Batman was revolutionary, causing writers and directors to reevaluate how to approach superheroic films.

Unfortunately, other films coming from DC do not seem to have the same impact as the Nolan franchise. Green Lantern was a bust, and Man of Steel could either be a visual masterpiece, or another flop. Making matters worse, DC has stated that there will be no more films until 2015.

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Speculation has led many to believe that DC wishes to create a Justice League movie, spinning off their other superhero films from this focal point. It sounds good on paper, sure, but it does not seem like the right course of action for the studio. Marvel has spent its time, effort, and money establishing the origins of its characters, giving audiences time to understand the heroes before throwing them into the fold of the teamup film. Not only did they build character, but the films leading up to The Avengers added to the anticipation, generating more hype. The Avengers also set the bar very, very high for superhero films. Justice League, being a superhero team, would have to follow in The Avengers footsteps, and it would ultimately fail. Throwing random heroes into a team and pitting them against an army of villains would most

likely confuse audiences, who would not have an understanding of these heroes nor would they care about the conflict at hand. The action in The Avengers set a precedent for this genre, and there would be absolutely no way that Justice League would be able to match it, while also trying to set up character origins and basic plot. It just does not seem feasible. DC should concentrate on creating a better movie franchise before jumping into the superhero team-up. That is not to say that a Justice League film would turn out bad, but it needs time to linger. It needs to weigh in the minds of the audience. It needs to be talked about, debated, imagined. But before that can happen, people need to care, and they cannot do that if there is nothing in front of them to care about.

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Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. Q: What do rednecks and KFC have in common? A: They do chicken right. Q: What do you do when you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub? A: Throw in a load of dirty laundry. The Pet Monkey A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and

AUGUST 22 - 28, 2012

while he’s drinking the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No, what did that stupid thing do this time?” asks the patron. “Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table,” says the bartender. “Yeah, well I hope it kills the little sh!t because he’s been driving me nuts,” replies the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his a$$, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. “What now?” responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a grape up his a$$, then pulled it out and ate it,” says the barkeeper. “Well, what did you expect?” replied the patron.“Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

Leo July 23 – August 22 You have the uncanny ability to share the most intimate details of your life with total strangers and yet no one cares. Virgo August 23 – September 22 Hey Einstein just because you moved into someone’s house without telling them doesn’t make them your family. Libra September 23 – October 22 Lately for some reason you haven’t been able to deliver those TPS Reports with your usual vigor. Have you thought of using cocaine to speed up the process?

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SHE CAN FINALLY PARTY DOWN NBC News reports - 110-year-old Alda Collins could hardly believe her son, James, when he told her, after 30-plus years of receiving $36 monthly pension from her late husband’s service in World War I, the amount would soon increase to $1,000. The son had tried since 2008 to prove his mother was entitled to the increase, but it took another four years. AN “UP YOURS” ARROGANCE? The Smoking Gun reported in June 2012, sheriff’s officers in Jacksonville, Florida, were investigating several incidents in which boxes of ready-to-use saline enemas were bought at a CVS drugstore, opened, used, put back in their boxes,

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 You will certainly run into your fair share of problems later this week, however you won’t have a lack of running cold sores. Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 If you thought this week’s horrorscope would be one filled with some sort of disgusting message of death you’re wrong. You’ll die peacefully in bed. Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Your trip to the STD clinic will have doctors amazed at your new disease which will soon be named after you.

resealed, and returned for refunds; with some cases returning to shelves, ready for resale. PERHAPS FATE WAS INVOLVED? Braintree, Massachusetts, August 17, 2012 - Richard Brown of Taunton went into a local store and bought a $5 “Blue Ice 7s” lotto ticket, but the clerk gave him a “Sizzlin 7s” ticket, instead. Being a gentleman, which apparently he was, Mr. Brown refused to complain ...and won $1 million. GOD OF SUPPLY AND DEMAND June 6, 2012, the Phnom Penh Post reported Christian belief has grown so rapidly in Ratanakiri province, Cambodia, 80% of folks have given up the traditional Theravada Buddhism (mixed with animism) because it was too demanding. Instead of paying traditional priests such expensive offerings as slaughtered buffalo to cure a family member, one “convertee” saved enough to buy much needed Western medicines …and build a house for her family.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 The nation will continue to ignore you despite your repeated attempts to debate Mitt Romney in public. Pisces February 19 - March 20 You will feel a sense of pride when you find out that you didn’t fall off the ugly tree, you built a tree house in it. Aries March 21 – April 19 What happens to you next Saturday will cast serious doubt about the phrase “a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work”.

ACROSS 1. Acted presumptuously 6. Small brook 10. Be worthy of 14. A kind of macaw 15. Bright thought 16. Distinctive flair 17. Most seniors are in this 19. Stare 20. Anagram of “Steals” 21. How old you are 22. Bit of gossip 23. Refine metal 25. Manicurist’s board 26. Angel’s headwear 30. On the beach 32. Voter 35. Sequin 39. Resentment 40. Achieve 41. D enoting a numerical order 43. Distended

44. Erase 46. Focusing glass 47. Birch relative 50. Fence “doors” 53. A soft sheepskin leather 54. Glass container 55. Buff 60. Pepper____ 61. Possible 63. Killer whale 64. Trade 65. Negatively charged particle 66. Bobbin 67. Feudal worker 68. Relaxes

Taurus April 20 – May 20 You will be drugged, thrown into the back of a van and taken to Omaha where undercover agents will make you a better advertising sales rep. Gemini May 21 – June 21 This week your company will merge with a corporate giant resulting in your position being eliminated on August 27th. Cancer June 22 – July 22 Your attempt to “run with the big dogs” will result in several bite wounds and a trip to the doctor.

DOWN 1. Blowgun missile 2. District 3. Rodents 4. Twin sister of Ares 5. Challenges 6. Border 7. Highest goals 8. Durations 9. Tardy 10. Belonging to a regiment 11. Winged 12. Become narrower 13. Foe 18. Shade tree 24. Hearing organ 25. Muse of love poetry 26. Protagonist 27. Winglike 28. Extend credit 29. Not oriental 31. Iridescent gem 33. Laser printer powder 34. By mouth

36. Way in 37. Mortgage 38. Terminates 42. Emissaries 43. Wager 45. Plaid 47. Knight’s “suit” 48. France’s longest river 49. Polka or samba 51. Upon (prefix) 52. Submarine detector 54. Green gem 56. Alley 57. Nile bird 58. Notch 59. Female chickens 62. Beer

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AUGUST 22 - 28, 2012

the closer

Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

One strike- you’re out! Take me out to the ballgame, take me out with a douche bag. Wait ‘til you hear what happened with this happy horseshit creep. When it comes to the rules of dating, America’s favorite pastime can’t lend you its rules. A girl should never give a guy three strikes until he’s out. First off (and I knew better), never accept a friend request from a boy on Facebook you don’t know! No matter how hot his ass is. I now cling to the notion that someone who recently went through a break-up should never Facebook alone. That breakup crap will mess you up, no doubt. You’ll be creeping, doing all sorts of shady stuff on Facebook; like accepting friend requests from strangers, thinking they could be your next boyfriend. Not logical! I speak from embarrassing experience, as I was whittled away to a shell of myself after a heart-wrenching breakup. Forgive a girl for enjoying some sprinkles of a cute boy’s attention. Anyway, this unnamed MLB baseball player added me as a friend. I was beyond naïve, thinking “Wow he must think I’m so pretty that he felt compelled to add me. I am sure this is the first time he’s ever done something like this.” After my regretful acceptance of his friendship, he quickly began chatting me up. Initially I thought he worked for this unnamed MLB team, in the marketing department or something fun like that. He quickly made it clear he was rolling in the dirt, 100% professional baseball player. Shows how much I care about baseball - didn’t even know the roster. Although I am sure some jerseychasing floosies have the roster pinned up in their bedroom, eager to pounce on the next player of the week. I was shamefully giddy and flattered that this MLB player was paying me a lick of attention. It’s beyond stupid I would even let that flattery go to my head. A few more days passed of meaningless, bored to tears Facebook chatting. The entire time I knew I was bored. I knew this guy was a terrible speller. I knew I hated his overuse of emoticons. But, I left that chat window open and kept on coming back for me. What a silly little fool I was. He finally asked to meet me in person. My initial instinct was “is he going to murder me?” As he delved into the proposed plans for our first date, visions of strolling through the park and eating ice cream together danced in my head. I am pretty sure visions of kinky sex and crude emoticons were dancing in his. Looking back now, I want to shake myself and slap my face. What the hell was I thinking? I’ll tell you what I was hoping. I was hoping this would be the next greatest love story or country song America ever heard. This is the difference between many guys and girls. Girls

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 50

think of a potential future and a guy thinks of potential sex positions before he hits it and quits it. Another lesson is the hotter the guy, the more of a dick he probably is. No offense to the handsome chaps out there who are decent human beings. But there are a lot of peens out there giving the lookers a terrible reputation. Okay let me get to the good part. MLB (we’ll call him that for the rest of the story) asks me to meet him at his hotel. My reaction, though I didn’t express it verbally, was “get your ass in a car and come pick me up.” Surely a pro baseball player has some wheels he wants to flaunt like a jackass. Second, hell no I’m not meeting you at your hotel. Did you mean to add me as a friend on Facebook? Or did you think you were purchasing a one-hour joy ride from a Dallas brothel? The kicker was he told me I’d better be wearing cute underwear. Excuse me…I’m not that kind of girl. I quickly told him this and he retracted, claiming he was just kidding. It all hit me like a ton of bricks. I was the odd-man-out in this situation, who didn’t see the signs from the beginning. I am sure MLB has a collection of girls on speed dial, eager to bang him for the night and hook up next time he’s in town. This was my true first experience with supreme dickish expectations. I had always gravitated towards the bookish, safe guys who would never pull a slimy stunt like this. They dated the old-fashioned way, not expecting sex on the first encounter. Shocking! Thinking back on it all now, MLB did nothing wrong. He simply acted as he does with all virtual Facebook girls and they simply come running. That’s what I did. Impressed by his shiny, professional baseball bat and the number he wore on his back. However, I was running for the fairytale, unaware sex came before love in his version. I guess I got my satisfaction in the end. I Googled his name (of course) and there were several documented anecdotes citing how creepy and slithery this cat is. I feel slightly comforted that there were other naïve little girls in the Metroplex fooled by his charm and blinded by his attractive face. It’s like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Jockstrap. From the tales these girls were

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The

AnsweR GUY with Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur, It seems as though all the people who write in to your column are self-satisfying jerks. Have the days of genuinely nice guys and women who actually conduct themselves like ladies gone the way of the CD player? Oh relationship guru is falling in love with a decent guy in Dallas still possible? Signed, Frustrated Janet Thanks for writing Janet! I don’t think my readers are self-satisfying jerks. Many of my readers are frustrated with the current state of their relationships and want a change, or some outside insight into their situation, that’s where I come in. Years ago I worked for a telephone dating service where I helped potentially thousands of men and women find love! It was a rewarding experience. I realized at the end of the day is that we all let our friends, family as well as our upbringing and beliefs have to much power over who we date and why! That’s the killing joke when it comes to happiness and love! I’ve never advised a woman this before, but if you truly want to find a decent guy in Dallas then stop buying into what the magazines and television shows are telling women is the perfect guy! I say this because “Mr. Right” is simply a myth created to sell millions of books on dating and relationships. Insecurities are the other part of the equation that’s stopping women from finding a decent guy. I understand that the above-mentioned friends, family, and the media can create all types of insecurities within one’s self; stop feeding into them! Dallas is full of great guys! You just have to keep your eyes open long enough to see them! — P.S. Internet dating sites are a haven for cheating married men! Stay away from them!

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 50

AUGUST 22 - 28, 2012

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