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Kareem is in the house

Buffalo Joe’s 7-YEAR ANNIVERSARY PARTY! SEPTEMBER 5TH

AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012

in Addison Saturday Sept. 15 at 8pm!

Ticket Giveaway Bikini Contest And A Mechanical Bull that we’ll be ridin’ into year number 5! Boys will be Boys

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 51

AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012

on deck

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

livestrong and carry on

C SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Cutting Room Floor 3 Jerry’s World 4 Out of Left Field 5 SMU Football Preview 5 UNT Football Preview 5 SEC Football Preview 6-8 Eat It. Wear It. Go There. 9 Cover Story Big 12 Football Preview 10 -13 BLITZ Entertainment Karmel 12 College Football Truth & Consequences 14 Plate Escapes 15 The OM Factor 16 Movie Review 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Pocketful of Peens 18 The Answer Guy 18

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Graphic Designer Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mateeka Lanee, Mark Miller Contributing Photographers

Keith Allsion, Chris Breeze, Joseph Dowling, Ethan Harmon, Joe Lorenzini, Rick Star, anotherbeautifulday, bsteve76, Natalie_11, nsdis, StevenV, StuSeeger Contributing Writers Arthur Bellfield, Jay Betsill, Drew Davis, Stephen Evens, C.J. Gardner, Ethan Harmon, Scott holub, Jan Hubbard, Martin Iheke, Posie Pocket

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

an you name another professional cyclist, other than Lance Armstrong? I couldn’t. Although the Olympics just ended, I can’t recall the full name of any other professional cyclist. This is evidence of not only my ignorance about the sport, but also proof that to the average viewer, Armstrong is the face of American cycling. After reading more about the charges brought against him by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) it’s tough to confidently choose a side. Armstrong has stated that he is the victim of an “unconstitutional witch hunt.” In many aspects it’s easy to agree with him. His accusers are flawed and the process has been emotionally and financially draining. But every single day people

are accused of crimes based only on circumstantial evidence. First-hand witness testimony and corroborating stories have usually been reason enough launch full-scale investigations and bring up charges. On the other hand, the USADA policies and procedures are far from consistent. They have attempted to lodge charges on incidents that are years older than their statute of limitations. Not to mention that the ‘US’ in USADA stands for United States yet they disregard jurisdiction and attempt to strip athletes of their internationally won titles. It just makes sense that someone in France should have a say about the results of the Tour de France.

But honestly, the USADA’s official statements read a bit childish when they hurled slurs Armstrong’s way. As an institution they shouldn’t be emotionally invested in this at all. They should make their claim and let the process play out legally. If they truly believe in the strength of their case they hold arbitration with him in absentia, so that the evidence is on the table for the world to see. For now we need to put this scandal into a little perspective. Back in 2007, track and field star Marion Jones plead guilty to lying about her steroid use. She was sentenced to six months in prison, her house was foreclosed on and she had to sell her mother’s home to raise funds. At this early stage, Armstrong seems confident that losing his titles is the only substantial hit he’ll take. Armstrong gave a statement last Thursday stating, “I know who won those seven Tours, my teammates know who won those seven Tours, and everyone I competed against knows who won those seven Tours.” If that’s good enough for him, then it should be good enough for the public. There is a selfish part of me that is glad Armstrong stood his ground against the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency. After decades of watching baseball’s former heroes dragged in front of congressional hearings, we’ve all hit a wall of fatigue. His option to forgo arbitration may have saved his legacy in the end. Every morning on Texas streets we see amateur cyclers in unforgiving yellow spandex desperately peddling to keep up with traffic because they are inspired. Lance Armstrong taught them to live strong and with his latest move, he taught them to carry on.

uncle walter on Snooki giving birth

What the hell is a Snooki? And why is it multiplying?

Photo Courtesy: aceshowbiz

Cutting Room Floor this week’s The Big Boom rejected Big 12 cover Preview ideas

BIG 12

E THEN

PACKED

EV GER

BIG

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 51 Photo Courtesy: Natalie_113

By J ay Betsill – @thefamousjay Scott Holub – @cowboytrivia

gearing up for the season opener Cowboys Beat Rams 20-19 In “Dress Rehearsal” The third game of the NFL preseason is considered the most important as it is basically known as a “dress rehearsal” for teams as they approach the beginning of the regular season. The Cowboys went into their game against the Rams missing their top three receiving targets as Miles Austin (hamstring), Dez Bryant (knee) and Jason Witten (spleen) were all out due to injury, leaving Tony Romo with Kevin Ogletree and Dwayne Harris as his starters. Ogletree has been impressive as he strives to lock down the third receiver spot and Harris stepped up with three catches for 118 yards including touchdowns of 61 and 38 yards. It had been speculated that Romo would play the entire first half, but with completing 9 of 13 passes for 198 yards, his evening ended shortly after the second quarter began. Running back Felix Jones had his best game of the preseason with 34 yards on six carries and two catches. The offensive line is still having issues, with Doug Free at times appearing to be on ice skates and free agent guards Nate Livings and Mackenzy Bernadeau being pushed around by the Rams defensive line. The scariest thing about the line may be that they are actually looking forward to Phil Costa’s return at center. The top defensive unit looked solid. DeMarcus Ware was out due to injury, but there was the return of Jay Ratliff, Anthony Spencer and Jason Hatcher. Cornerbacks Brandon Carr and Morris Claiborne continue to impress in coverage. It does need to be factored in that when the Cowboys open the season against the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants, they will be covering Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz rather than Donnie Avery. As for the inside linebackers, it appears that Bruce Carter is ahead of Dan Connor to start alongside Sean Lee. The bad news of the evening came postgame with word of Jay Ratliff’s high ankle sprain that puts the Giants game in doubt. Should Ratliff be unable to go, look for either Josh Brent or Sean Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Lissemore to be in the mix. Dallas concludes its preseason by hosting the Miami Dolphins Wednesday at 7:30 p.m. The Dez Bryant Rules It has been a drama-filled summer for Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant following the incident where he was charged with a Class A misdemeanor by the DeSoto Police Department for allegedly assaulting his mother, Angela Bryant. The organization has decided that it will be responsible for the 23-year-old wide receiver and do its part to keep him out of trouble. ESPN Dallas’ Calvin Watkins reported the Cowboys have established new off-field guidelines for Bryant: - A midnight curfew. If he’s going to miss curfew, team officials must know in advance. - No drinking alcohol. - He can’t attend any strip clubs and can only attend nightclubs if they are approved by the team and he has a security team with him. - He must attend counseling sessions twice a week. - A rotating three-man security team will leave one man with Bryant at all times. - Members of the security team will drive Bryant to practices, games and team functions. Terrell Owens Cut By Seahawks “I’m no longer a Seahawk. I THANK the organization 4 the opportunity, I’m truly blessed beyond belief. My FAITH is intact & will NOT waiver,” former Dallas Cowboys superstar receiver Terrell Owens wrote to his nearly 1.3 million Twitter followers on Sunday afternoon. He finished the preseason with just two receptions including a 40-yard catch from newlynamed starter Russell Wilson in Seattle’s 44-14 win over the Kansas City Chiefs. Owens was trying to make a comeback after not playing since Week 15 of the 2010 season with the Bengals. He has 1,078 receptions for 15,934 yards and 153 touchdowns, the second most in league history.

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AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012 Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison

Upcoming Schedule: 8/29 Rays 6:05 p.m. 8/31 @Indians 6:05 p.m. 9/1 @Indians 6:05 p.m. 9/2 @Indians 12:05 p.m. 9/3 @Royals 1:10 p.m. 9/4 @Royals 7:05 p.m.

By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com

offense breaks out in banner week

ow that’s more like it. After a long streak of inconsistency, the Texas Rangers’ offense finally put together a string of big performances last week, which helped them win five of seven games. Not only did the Rangers score at least five runs on six occasions, they managed eight or more in four straight wins. That allowed them to move back ahead of the New York Yankees for the best record in the American League and kept them 5.5 games ahead of the Oakland A’s in the A.L. West division. “We’re killing it good,” shortstop Elvis Andrus told mlb.com after Saturday’s 9-3 win over the Minnesota Twins. “We’re energized. Everybody is having good at-bats. We didn’t have a good July, but August is the month that we woke up. We’ve got to go out and keep playing the way we have been playing.” Leading the offense was Adrian Beltre. On Thursday against the Twins, the All-Star third baseman hit home runs in his first three atbats. Then the next night, he hit for the cycle. Additionally, outfielder Josh Hamilton drove in four runs Sunday including his 35th home run, the first Ranger since 2005 with that many. And in the same game Nelson Cruz hit his 20th HR, the fifth straight year he’s done that. “It was a matter of time,” said Manager Ron Washington. “What’s happening is up and down our lineup, nine guys are doing the job. That’s what we’re doing right now. Our lineup is starting to come together. It’s the right time to be in the position we’re in. We’re hitting on all cylinders right now.” Offense wasn’t the only reason for last week’s success. The Rangers yielded three or less runs in four games winning them all. Included was a twohit, eight-inning performance against Minnesota by Matt Harrison. Yielding his first hit in the seventh inning, Harrison upped his record to 15-7

and lowered his earned run average to 3.04. Also shining on the mound was Ryan Dempster who beat both Baltimore and Minnesota giving up just four runs for the week. “It seems like these guys are putting up five runs in an inning almost every day,” Dempster said. “It’s pretty fun. I know they’ve always done a pretty good job offensively, but you still have to execute your game plan, whether you get one run or 10 runs. You still have to go out and execute pitches.” Indians, Royals on road ahead Following their final August home game Wednesday night against the Tampa Bay Rays, the Rangers begin a 10-game road trip Friday in Cleveland. Then they go to Kansas City for four games against the Royals. The Indians entered the week with a 5-19 record in August. Their 55-72 record is 15 games behind the Chicago White Sox in the A.L. Central division. Cleveland won two of three games in Ohio in May in the only meeting against Texas this year. Center fielder Ezequiel Carrera has been the hottest Cleveland hitter in August with a .295 average. Catcher Carlos Santana has four home runs and 15 runs batted in. Justin Masterson has three of the team’s August wins. Since meeting in Missouri earlier this month, the Royals have an 11-8 record to stand at 56-70 through Sunday, 16.5 games behind Chicago. Kansas City has won three of the five games so far with the Rangers in 2012 though Texas won two of three on the road. First baseman Billy Butler has led the Royals in August with five HRs, 17 RBI and a .298 batting average. Greg Holland, taking over for the traded Jonathan Broxton, has won twice and saved all seven of his chances with a 0.73 earned run average.

SMU Mustangs

By Sonny Caps – hhhup88@gmail.com

When In Rome

’m a big fan of June Jones, plus both my Seniors Ja’Gared Davis and Taylor Reed may brothers graduated from SMU. All that be- be the two best linebackers in the conference. ing said doesn’t guarantee Cameron Rogers, a junior, lurks in them victories. The Ponies the mist and is ready to step up and will have a pretty good schedshow his capability. The ‘Stangs are ule and a chance to do some not only an offensive threat to their damage to their conference opopponents this year, but they have ponents, but this opening game managed to accumulate a defensive may not be a cakewalk into the hold to stop their opponents from season. Baylor, even sans RG just walking into the end zone. 3, has a pretty solid team going The offensive line for the forward this year. Mustangs is the key to the success SMU has former Longhorn for the season, losing five starting quarterback transfer Garret Photo Courtesy: Joseph Dowling lineman isn’t good for any squad Gilbert, who is eligible and – especially one that June holds the ready to play this year, which coupled with ropes to. If these lineman can be replaced with the twenty plus wide receivers that June has some form of equality, the Mustangs may be in place, may pose an offensive able find themselves in a battle for threat to anyone the Mustangs the Conference USA title come face. Let’s not overlook the power the end of 2012. that RB Zach Line will bring to That’s the run down for the the potency of the offensive opening of the season for the firepower. If all cylinders are SMU Mustangs, June and the firing, the Mustangs can and will rest of the squad will hold their give anyone in Conference USA own destiny. I’m very interested in a run for their money. June in his how they respond to being almost past always provided an offensive a two-touchdown underdog highlight reel, win or lose, mark on opening day. Again, I’m no my words, this year will be no homer, but I am a BIG June Jones different. Photo Courtesy: Joseph Dowling fan. This will be a fun season. Here’s the thing, over the course Get your calendar in order, of the last few years Jones has been able to college football is here! stack the defense into one that has the potential to cause serious stoppage to their opponents.

North Texas Mean Green

By Frank Costa – flacosta@blitzweekly.com

McCarney Raises Expectations

he Mean Green under second year head coach Dan McCarney head into the new season with high hopes of making their first bowl since the 2004 season. They capped that season with a trip to the New Orleans Bowl. That was their last winning season. They finished their 2011 campaign with a 5-7 record and just missed qualifying for a bowl bid. With several returning players on both sides of the ball there is a sense of optimism that the team will return to its winning ways. Other than the season opener Photo Courtesy: Joe Lorenzini at LSU and a road game at Kansas State the rest of the games are very winnable. The offense returns eight starters and several experienced reserves and look to improve on their 96th place national ranking. This starts with quarterback Derek Thompson who will have another year under OC Mike Canales’ system. That continuity will help Thompson immensely. Replacing Lance Dunbar will be no easy task for junior running back Brandin Byrd. Last season Byrd had a total of 20

carries and one touchdown. The receiving corps returns three of the top four from last year. Look for Brelan Chancellor and Chris Bynes to be the main targets for Thompson. The young offensive line will improve by returning four of five starters. Protecting Thompson and creating running lanes will determine the fate of the offense. The defense has lost some key contributors from last season which was ranked 97th nationally. McCarney’s forte is defense and this season he has newly acquired DC John Skladany. Junior LB Zach Orr will be the anchor and was second in tackles for the Mean Green last season. The secondary was burned often last season but with the addition of S Marcus Trice (Oklahoma transfer) there will be improvement. Special teams is one of the bright spots carrying over from last season. Kicking duties will be handled by junior Zach Olen and Will Atterberry is back at punter. 2011 was good for Atterberry who was the top punter in the Sun Belt and averaged 43.5 yards per attempt. Brelan Chancellor will return kickoffs. The speedster is a difference maker.

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 51 Photo Courtesy: crawford orthodontics

“It’s easier to win the national championship than the SEC. Ask Nick Saban.”

Can anyone dethrone the BCS bullies? By Stephen Evans - @BlitzWeekly SEC again looks to prove it’s the King of College Football

erhaps tongue-in-cheek, perhaps not, those are the words of longtime SEC head coach Steve Spurrier when discussing the rigors of playing in the nation’s toughest conference. Winners of the past six BCS national championships, the SEC got even tougher during the summer, adding former Big 12 members Texas A&M and Missouri. The 2012 season kicks off with six SEC teams ranked in the Associated Press Preseason Top 25. The USA Today Coaches’ Poll ranks seven SEC teams in its Top 25. Both have five SEC squads in the Top 10 – LSU, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. The following is a preseason look at each of the 14 SEC teams, listed in this writer’s predicted order of finish:

SEC WEST LSU Tigers: Only time will tell if this LSU team has truly flushed away last season’s national championship game debacle. To add insult to injury, LSU must now forge ahead without all-everything DB Tyrann Mathieu, who was dismissed from the team during fall camp. Without Mathieu, the Tigers enter 2012 without three of the four members of their ballhawking 2011 secondary. However, there is hope on the horizon in the form of 6-5, 230-pound junior quarterback Zach Mettenberger. The strongarmed gunslinger should improve LSU’s anemic passing game. He will be aided by what might be the best stable of running backs in the country. The Tigers return all five of their running backs that averaged 203 yards per game on the ground last season. A favorable early schedule should allow Mettenberger to get his feet wet in time for the Tigers’ primetime showdown with Alabama on November 3 in Death Valley. Alabama Crimson Tide: Alabama won the game that really counted last season, dominating LSU in the national championship game after losing to the Tigers in the regular season. Backto-back championships have not happened in the BCS era, though the Crimson Tide believe they have the team to do it. For the Tide to repeat, they will have to replenish what was the nation’s best Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Photo Courtesy: bsteve76

defense. Alabama lost seven defensive starters, including first round draft picks Dont’a Hightower, Dre Kirkpatrick, and Mark Barron. On offense, the Tide welcomes new offensive coordinator Doug Nussmeier. He won’t be able to ride Trent Richardson like Bama has the past three seasons, but quarterback A.J. McCarron returns, as does a mauling offensive line. Yes, Bama must reload, but it has plenty of pieces to put together another run at a national championship. Arkansas Razorbacks: This can’t be what quarterback Tyler Wilson had in mind. Instead of opting for the NFL Draft and likely competing for a starting job in the NFL right now, Wilson decided to remain at Arkansas for his senior season and attempt to slay the dragons known as LSU and Alabama. But, a spring soiree between head coach Bobby Petrino and a 20-something staffer rocked the Razorbacks football program, ousting the architect of the Arkansas offense. Despite the turmoil, Wilson remains one of the Photo Courtesy: fayettevilleflyer

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top quarterbacks in college football, and many of the pieces of the high-powered attack remain, though now under the watch of head coach John L. Smith. The Razorbacks are also buoyed by the return from injury of Knile Davis, the SEC’s leading rusher in 2010. As usual, however, the defense is the question. An early season match-up against Alabama on September 15 will provide many answers. Texas A&M Aggies: New coaching staff. New quarterback. New conference. That’s not exactly a recipe for success, but that’s the road Texas A&M must travel as it begins life in the SEC. The Aggies dumped Mike Sherman after a 7-6 campaign in 2011 for the sparkling, exciting new offense and enthusiasm of Kevin Sumlin. But for Sumlin’s offensive approach to translate to the SEC, quarterback Johnny Manziel, who to the surprise of some won the quarterback job this fall, must quickly adapt. The same goes for the A&M defense. The Aggies led the nation in sacks per game a

AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012

the real Gene Chizik to step forward. The Tigers enter the season with a pair of new coordinators – Scott Loeffler on offense and Brian VanGorder on defense. However, despite terrific recruiting classes, the talent at Auburn has been slow to develop, including at the quarterback position, where neither Kiehl Frazier nor Clint Moseley has been impressive this fall. With Gus Mahlzahn gone, the Tigers turn to a more traditional offensive approach, but must do so without two-

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time 1,000-yard rusher Michael Dyer. If neither quarterback emerges, expect the Tigers to fall back in the pack of the SEC West and the seat to begin to warm under Chizik.

Ole Miss Rebels: The Rebels fired Houston Nutt, passed on Gus Mahlzahn, and failed to land Rich Rodriguez or Mike Leach. They probably could have had Alabama defensive coordinator Kirby Smart. Instead they settled for Hugh Freeze, he of the Arkansas State Red Wolves (and two years as head coach at Lambuth). If you think that coaching search dragged on, wait until you see this season. Last year’s starting quarterback Randall Mackey is Photo Courtesy: StuSeeger now a running back, and neither Barry year ago and return Sean Porter and Damontre Brunetti nor Bo Wallace have garnered praise Moore, but this group must now prove it can stand for their work at the quarterback position this up to the pounding that SEC offenses deliver. The fall. Defensively, it’s hard to imagine a group that season likely hinges on September SEC games will be much better than last season’s last-in-theagainst Florida and Arkansas. Win those and the league squad. Ole Miss opens with three of its Aggies could be looking at a third place finish in first four games against Central Arkansas, UTEP, the West, which last season was good for a No. and Tulane. That may well be the Rebels’ only 5 national ranking. opportunities for victory in 2012. Mississippi State Bulldogs: Dan Mullen’s name continually pops up when big-time coaching jobs come open. If he is as good of a coach as many people seem to believe, his constantly underachieving Bulldogs have to break out at some point, right? Maybe this is the year. For that to happen, they have to beat someone in the SEC West other than Ole Miss. State is 0-12 under Mullen against those SEC West foes, but a defense that returns everyone except first round pick Fletcher Cox should keep the Bulldogs in many games. Offensively, State turns the reigns over to Tyler Russell. With his skills and Mullen’s passing game pedigree, the Bulldogs hope to be more proficient offensively. Add to that a favorable schedule that includes four winnable home conference games, and this might finally be the year that Mississippi State takes that long awaited step forward. Auburn Tigers: Gene Chizik -- the real deal or a fraud? He came to Auburn after going 5-19 in two seasons at Iowa State. Then after an 8-5 season at Auburn he rode Cam Newton to a 14-0 national championship campaign, only to fall back down to 8-5 last year. It’s time for

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SEC EAST

Georgia Bulldogs: Mark Richt always seems to be on the hot seat. This year’s no different. A 10-3 mark last year, including a SEC East championship, and a preseason Top 10 national ranking in 2012, have expectations through the roof. Now it’s up to Richt to not screw it up. Georgia returns senior quarterback Aaron Murray who, when he’s on, can be one of the league’s best signal callers. He will have to be on more than ever this season, as the Georgia rushing attack will be a work in progress after starter Isaiah Crowell was dismissed from the team. Crowell’s departure came during a tumultuous off-season. Defensive backs Sanders Cummings, Bacarri Rambo, and Branden Smith will all miss time for disciplinary reasons. But, if the Bulldogs can get their house in order, the path to the SEC championship game is favorable. For the second straight year, the Bulldogs avoid LSU, Alabama, and Arkansas in the regular season. They better make it count. South Carolina Gamecocks: For someone known as a prolific quarterback guru, Steve Spurrier sure has had his problems with developing a solid, consistent signal caller in Columbia. However,

team lies with the health of running back Marcus Lattimore. The SEC’s top rushing threat, Lattimore m i s s e d the final six games in 2011 after injuring a knee in October. You get the feeling that it’s now or never for South Carolina, a preseason Top 10 team that returns seven starters on offense and six starters off of a defense that ranked third in the nation last season.

Florida Gators: Remember the high octane offense of Steve Spurrier and the Tim Tebow show that wreaked havoc on opposing defenses? Those days are gone. In 2012, the Florida Gators will go only as Photo Courtesy: photo-gator far as their defense takes them. Nick Saban protégé Will Muschamp had his Gator defensive group headed in the right direction during his inaugural season as head coach. The Gators are poised to be even better in 2012, returning 10 starters from a top 10 defense. Offensively, Boise St. offensive coordinator Brent Pease landed in Gainesville after the Charlie Weis experiment blew up in Muschamp’s face. Pease will be tasked with getting one of the two Florida quarterbacks ready to play, a task Weis could not handle. Photo Courtesy: nsdis Florida’s offense was worst in the SEC last year. That shouldn’t be the case this year, but it remains light he believes he has finally found his man in Connor years away from the Fun ‘n’ Gun days in The Shaw, and if that’s the case, the Swamp. Gamecocks might have finally found their man to lead Tennessee Volunteers: What’s going on in Tennessee? Derek Dooley, known for his Lou Holtz-style poormouthing of his team, has been unusually positive and upbeat about the future of his program. Is he really this excited, or is he trying to convince

By Stephen Evans Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Photo Courtesy: Tennessee Journalist

them to the SEC championship game. As important as the quarterback position will be, however, the future of this USC

Photo Courtesy: Chris Breeze

everyone, maybe even himself, that he can coach a winning team? This is sink or swim for Dooley, and he will at least have quarterback Tyler Bray to lead the charge. Bray will also get AllAmerican wide receiver Justin Hunter back from injury, which will pay dividends for a Tennessee offense that scored 13 points or fewer in six of the last eight games last season. The Vols will be breaking in their fourth defensive coordinator in five years. That’s not good, but the hope is that Sal Sunseri, another Nick Saban disciple, can turn around their fortunes. Missouri Tigers: The SEC welcomes its third set of Tigers to the conference, but forgive the newest Tigers if they aren’t exactly smiling. That’s because Missouri will learn quickly about life in the SEC. The first half of the 2012 schedule includes games against Georgia, South Carolina, and Alabama. If they survive that, they then get road games at Florida, Tennessee, and Texas A&M to close out the year. The Tigers, who finished 8-5 in the Big 12 last season, including winning their last four games, will be depending heavily on the health of quarterback James Franklin. Franklin is now rebounding from spring shoulder surgery and now must prove that he can withstand the constant barrage of SEC defenses. He will likely have do so without standout running back Henry Josey who is still recovering from a devastating knee injury suffered last season. To counter that blow, Mizzou adds fantastic wide receiver Dorial Green-Beckham, the No. 1 recruit in the nation last year. Vanderbilt Commodores: Yes, head coach James Franklin has done a great job in bringing passion and enthusiasm to the Vanderbilt football program. The Commodores’ 2-6 SEC record in 2011 was considered a success, and their 6-6 regular season record even got them into the Liberty Bowl. But how much farther can Vandy really go? Franklin believes his team can go much farther, and he will have to ride Aaron Rodgers’ little brother Jordan and 1,000-yard rusher Zac Stacy to the finish line. The second year head coach has done a great job making his team believe it can win, but those good vibes won’t be felt outside of Nashville until it actually proves its mettle against SEC teams other than Ole Miss and Kentucky. Kentucky Wildcats: Joker Phillips can thank John Calipari for taking some of the heat off of his back. With the Wildcats’ basketball championship still fresh in the minds of Kentucky fans, much of the attention has been taken off of the football program. And that’s a good thing for Phillips, because his Wildcats won’t be making Kentucky fans proud anytime soon. Phillips is 4-12 all-time against SEC teams, and that record won’t get much better this year. The Wildcats face question marks at nearly every position, including quarterback, where Morgan Newton is still recovering from shoulder surgery. Last season the quarterback play was so bad that Phillips moved a receiver to QB, ran the Wildcat, and actually took down Tennessee. It’s not likely to get much better in 2012.

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AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012

Eat It

Save yourself from heatstroke and pick up a pint of locally made Carnival Barker’s Ice Creams. Made by Aaron Barker and Sarah Miller these Deep Ellum chemical free creations are guaranteed delicious with no “bullshit added.” Because let’s face it, who wants to eat bullshit. www.facebook.com/carnivalbarkers

WEAR It

You’re a geek that likes football, so what? Show the world your true colors. Pick up this Cowboys and Marvel Comics Vintage Incredible Hulk Defense t-shirt. It’s rib knit, machine washable, and officially licensed (you don’t want to see what the Hulk does to bootleggers). $27.99 www.fansedge.com

GO THERE

You wanted it, they delivered it! 35 Denton is bringing you another music fest but this one will make water conservationists furious. It’s the Hot Wet Mess on September 1st at 1pm. Be there as No Age, Reggie Watts, Big Freedia, Unknown Mortal Orchestra, The Black Lips and more take the stage and rock out. We can’t wait to ride the “huge ‘effin waterslide.” www.facebook.com/35DentonFestival

7-YEAR ANNIVERSARY PARTY! SEPTEMBER 5TH PARTY STARTS AT 3PM

COME WATCH THE GIANTS VS COWBOYS GAME HOME OF BIGBLUEDFW

TAILGATE PARTY IN THE PARKING LOT $3 SHOTS / $2.50 DRAFTS BBQ LIVE MUSIC BOUNCY HOUSE FOR THE KIDS

3636 FRANKFORD ROAD SUITE 390 DALLAS – 214.483.5225 – WWW.THEBUFFALOJOES.COM Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

The Bigger 10

AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012

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Badder By C.J. Gardner - cjgardner80@ou.edu Martin Iheke - miheke@gmail.com This year’s Big 12 is a big deal. Not only did two old friends (Missouri and Texas A&M) vacate the premises, but two powerhouse programs are readying their place at the table and are prepared to fight for their meal – and trust me everyone is hungry for a national title. The conference also is rolling into the first year of the reign of Bob Bowlsby, who is taking over as commissioner, and it promises to be an interesting inauguration with six teams starting out in the preseason AP top 25 (OK, WVU, UT, OSU, TCU, and KSU). So whether you are a Longhorn, a Sooner, a Wildcat, or if you’re unlucky enough to be a Cyclone, you have to be pretty stoked about this season.

According to sports-reference.com, the Longhorns were ranked 49th overall in points against at 23.7 in 2010. They improved last season to 22.2 points against and were ranked 33rd overall. The Longhorns expect their defense to one of the best in college football led by senior defensive end Alex Okafor and senior safety Kenny Vaccaro. The Longhorns are ranked #15 in both the

TEXAS LONGHORNS The last couple of seasons have not been kind for the Texas Longhorns. Ever since quarterback Colt McCoy left, the Longhorns have struggled to find the right quarterback to lead them back to being a serious national title contender. They have gone from Garrett Gilbert to Case McCoy to David Ash. They haven’t had a clear number one starter and because of this, they have had a hard time getting back to national prominence finishing the 2010 season with a 5-7 record and last season with an 8-5 record. They have shown some improvement primarily because of the defense, but not at quarterback. For this season, it is going to come down to either Case McCoy or David Ash. Longhorns Head Coach Mack Brown does not mind having two quarterbacks. “We’re having more consensus (on the staff) that both could play and we could still win a game,” Brown said according to chron. com. “Both of those guys give us a chance to win,” as Brown continued. While the Longhorns try to figure out who is the better quarterback, their defense is going to have to be top notch.

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preseason AP and Coach’s polls and have a tough schedule to boot. They play Oklahoma, West Virginia, Baylor, TCU, at Oklahoma State and at Kansas State. They have enough to compete for the Big 12 title. The question is can they find the right answer at quarterback to lead the way? OKLAHOMA SOONERS Last year was a disappointing year for the University of Oklahoma football team as they came into the year as national champion contenders, but after Ryan Broyles got hurt and the defense starting giving up one big play after another, the 2011 football season ended up being a below par one for this football powerhouse. Bob Stoops brought in brother Mike to shore up the defensive side of the ball. Mike Stoops will have an experienced group at his disposal that includes two preseason All-Big 12 selections. Stoops will have to strengthen the secondary if the defense is to improve over last year’s group. If OU’s

offense is to be successful this year, Landry Jones will have to have a better season than he did last year. One fault some people have with Jones is that he doesn’t perform in big games and with no other superstars on the offense; Jones will have to step up and have big g a m e s against the better competition. The O-line could struggle early as they try to replace Ben Habern who had to leave due to injuries. If Oklahoma can replicate how they play at Oklahoma Memorial Stadium away from home they will be in Miami for the National Championship game. Bob Stoops has only lost three games at home since taking over at OU in 1999. Owen Field has been like a fortress for Stoops, but he has had a hard time winning on the road. He is 3818 on the road and the two big away games at Big 12 newcomers TCU and West Virginia will define whether OU will make another trip to the BCS Championship game. WEST VIRGINIA MOUNTAINEERS The Big 12 newcomer has already made waves by being some peoples pick to win the Big 12 in their first year. They come into the season with a potential Big 12 offensive player of the year

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in Geno Smith, as well as, 1,000-yard receiver Tavon Austin. Last year’s Big East champions join TCU in being the newest members of the conference. The Mountaineers will look to waste no time in winning a Big 12 title as they retained a number of their Big East winning team from last year. As with most Big 12 teams, WVU is built around its passer. After a record-setting Orange Bowl win last year over Clemson, Geno Smith is expected to produce a season better than the previous. It will be hard to top his 4,385 yards passing from last year, as the competition in the Big 12 is stronger, but he has the talent to put up big numbers and an explosive receiving corps to throw the ball to. Few doubt WVU being able to produce on offense, but the defense is another question. The Big 12 is known for producing high-octane offenses, and if West Virginia is going to be able to win the title in its first year, the defense will have to show it is able to slow down these Big 12 offenses. One advantage WVU will have in it’s first year is that when they play at home they will have a big home field advantage as the teams in the Big 12 are unfamiliar with the West Virginia territory. If Geno Smith can adapt to life in the Big 12, West Virginia can win the conference title in their first year. Smith will have to face teams and go to places he has never played before and if he can handle those situations and perform like he did last year, then West Virginia will be able to put up big offensive numbers. OKLAHOMA ST. COWBOYS How will Mike Gundy follow up the most successful season in Oklahoma State history? How is the offense going to perform with the loss of Brandon Weeden and Justin Blackmon to the NFL? These are the questions most Cowboy fans are asking themselves. After having their best season ever for the program last year, Oklahoma State will

AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012

look to keep growing and compete for the Big 12 championship. How they respond on the field this year will show if OSU is going to be a s o l i d

program for years to come. The Cowboys don’t have the same offensive firepower as last year. They will be starting freshman quarterback Wes Lunt and they lost their best offensive weapon from last year as well as three players on the O-line. One bright spot for OSU is that 1,000yard rusher Joseph Randle will return to take some of the pressure off Lunt. The defense will be expected to be better than last year and OSU returns the top punter/kickers in the Big 12 in Quinn Sharp, who led the nation in touchbacks on kickoffs. This will be a rebuilding year for Oklahoma State, as they will look to bring an inexperienced quarterback along while trying to win games. After ending last year

ranked third in the country, OSU comes into 2012 ranked in the top 25 and a successful season for them will be to stay in the top 25 for the entire year. If true freshman quarterback Wes Lunt can pass for over 3,000 yards and less than 15 interceptions, Oklahoma State can be a 9-win team. How well this season goes for OSU comes down to one player: Wes Lunt. If he can adapt to

playing college defenses each week, OSU will do well, if not, they will have a poor season. The Cowboy’s offense is focused on the quarterback and their defense is not strong enough to hold teams if the offense is not producing. TCU HORNED FROGS After the last few years of having to prove to everyone that they can play with the big boys, the TCU Horned Frogs finally got their wish granted as the Big 12 officially welcomed them into the conference. The biggest example of this was their successful 2010 season when they finished 13-0 with a huge Rose Bowl victory over the Wisconsin Badgers. Last season, although not as good, the Horned Frogs finished the season with an 11-2 record winning their last eight games led by now junior quarterback, Casey Pachall. According to ESPN.com, the Horned Frogs w e r e

ranked 9th overall in points at 40.8 and ranked 28th in points against at 21.5 in 2011. As they head into this season, the Horned Frogs look to be in good shape offensively mostly due to the fact that they are a little more experienced on that side of the ball than their defense. Head Coach, Gary Patterson after one of their practices, said he wants the leaders like senior linebacker Kenny Cain and junior defensive end Stansly Maponga to step up and lead the defense considering how young they are. “Cain has to,” Patterson said according purplemenace. com. “Him and Stansley Maponga have to become that guy. When you only have freshman and sophomores you have to have some older guys who step up and do those kind of things,” as Patterson continued. Despite some of these concerns, the Associated Press Poll ranks the Horned Frogs at number twenty and the Coaches’ Poll at number seventeen before the season starts. The Horned Frogs have a difficult schedule playing at SMU, at Baylor, at Oklahoma State, at West Virginia, at Texas, and home against Kansas State and Oklahoma. Being able to win on the road will be challenging for a young Horned Frogs team. The question is are they ready for the challenge? KANSAS STATE WILDCATS Bill Snyder had his most successful season since returning to Kansas State by coming in second in the Big 12 and winning 10 games last year. It will be tough to replicate that success, as now they will not be underdogs for most games. Teams will be getting up to play the Wildcats, and they must figure out how to play as favorites. The main thing K-State has going for them is that one of the most valuable players in college football is returning for the Wildcats. After tying the NCAA record for quarterbacks last year with 27 TDs, Collin Klein is expected to have another standout year. Klein accounted for 40 touchdowns last year and is the offense catalyst, so as he goes the Wildcats offense will go. One thing KSU will have to improve on if they want to take the next step is their defense. Their offense will score points, but with all the high powered offenses in the Big 12, their defense will have to get some stops in order for the team to battle for the Big 12 title. They do have two returning All-Big 12 players on defense. Arthur Brown and Nigel Malone are expected to anchor a defense full Continued on Page 13

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 51

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of experienced players. As usual, Snyder’s teams are very good in special teams. Return specialist Tyler Lockett, the preseason All-Big 12 kick returner, is sure to be a huge help. If Collin Klein can replicate his 2011 season, Kansas State can challenge for the Big 12 title. Collin Klein had one of the best seasons for a running quarterback last year when he accounted for over 3000 yards of total offense and 40 touchdowns. Klein will have to get better in the passing game as he only had a completion percentage of 57%. He does take care of the ball well as he only threw six interceptions, but his running ability is his main asset as it causes fits for nearly all defenses. BAYLOR BEARS After having their best season since joining the Big 12 in 1996 led by Heisman Trophy winner Robert Griffin III, the Baylor Bears are looking to capitalize on last year’s success. To do that, they are going to have to have solid play at quarterback as well as be better defensively. According to ESPN.com, the Bears were ranked 113th overall in points against at 37.2 in 2011 despite being 4th overall in points scored at 45.3. After the team’s scrimmage, head coach Art Briles was upbeat about the team’s potential on the upcoming season. “It is a lot of excitement, a lot of anticipation. It is like I told the players, there is one team in America from a big six conference that has the longest win streak and that is the Baylor Bears,” Briles said according to baylorbears.com. “We are fighting our tail off to make sure that stays that way. You can’t stay on top unless you start on top. Anybody in America can say what they want to say, but we have the longest win streak and we are going to fight hard to keep it,” as Briles continued. They will be counting on senior quarterback, Nick Florence, to the lead the offense as well as junior nickel back Ahmad Dixon to the lead the defense. Baylor has a tough schedule having to play at

AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012

Oklahoma, at Texas, Kansas State, at Big 12 newcomers West Virginia and home against TCU. They open up the season at home against a good SMU team on Sunday so right away, the Bears will find out how good they are. The big question going into the season is can they come close to replacing the production Griffin III provided from last season? Is Florence the man to do it? The Bears sure hope so. TEXAS TECH RED RAIDERS Last season was not a good one for the Texas Tech Red Raiders. They finished with a 5-7 record after losing their last five games, going 2-7 in the conference and not playing in a bowl game for the first time since 1999. It was a major step back for head coach Tommy Tuberville after going 8-5 in his first season with the program in 2010. One of the reasons for this was their defense being so bad. According to ESPN.com, the Red Raiders were ranked 117th overall in points against at 39.3. To try and fix this problem, Tuberville brought in his longtime friend, Art Kaufman, as the new defensive coordinator who wants to keep schemes simple. “We try to spend more time on how to do what we’re doing,” Kaufman said according to mywesttexas.com. “We want to be really good technicians,” as Kaufman continued. It can only be a start as they will be counting on players like junior linebacker Terrance Bullitt and senior safety D.J. Johnson to lead the way. One bright spot about last season is their senior quar terback , Seth Doege. He was excellent last season throwing f o r

4,004 yards, which lead the nation in passing, and twenty-eight touchdowns according to mywesttexas.com. He will need to be even better if the defense struggles again for the Red Raiders to have any hope of getting back to a bowl game. The Red Raiders will open the season at home on Saturday against Northwestern State. They will need to get off to a good start before conference play begins when they have to play Oklahoma, West Virginia, Texas, Baylor, at TCU, at Kansas State and at Oklahoma State. The question going into the season will be how much improved will their defense be? This will decide if they are bowl bound or not. KANSAS JAYHAWKS The Kansas Jayhawks will be debuting their third head coach in four seasons when former Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis graces the sidelines in their season opener September 1. After going 2-10 last year, which included going winless in conference play, Turner Gill was fired after two poor years of being the coach at Kansas. The Jayhawks are just five years removed from their 11-1 season and beating Virginia Tech in the Orange Bowl. It has been a drastic fall for KU and Weis has been charged with turning around this floundering football program. As can be expected with a team that went 0-9 in conference play, Kansas does not have any star players returning for them. Weis’ first job was to instill some discipline to this team that has won one conference game over the past two seasons. Weis’

be happy to see is that Kansas should be able to protect him as they have three returning starters on the O-line. The defense will try to adapt to a new system and improve after giving up an average of over 40 points per game last season. If the Kansas players can pick up on Charlie Weis’ new pro-style system, Kansas will win a conference game. Kansas will be looking to rebuild their program. The goals for the Jayhawks should be to learn Weis’ system and to win. IOWA STATE CYCLONES After getting to a bowl game two of the last three years, Iowa State will be looking to take the next step by finishing the regular season with a winning record for the first time under head coach Paul Rhoads. Senior Steele Jantz has been named as the starting quarterback for the Cyclones after splitting time last year with sophomore Jared Barnett. They will be looking for some stability at the quarterback position and are hoping for Jantz to play like he did in their win over in-state rival Iowa last year for the whole year. Running back James White will look to take some of the load off Jantz by adding a solid running game behind three retuning starters on the offensive line. Iowa State’s defense struggled for parts of last year, but they are looking forward to a stronger showing from a defense that had a highly touted group of linebackers with A.J. Klein and Jake Knott being named to the preseason All-Big 12 team. Those are the two bright spots from the Cyclone’s defense. Iowa State has one of the top punters in the Big 12 returning in Kirby Van Der Kamp, who averaged over 40 yards per punt last year. The kicking game is a little more complicated as Edwin Arceo and freshman Cole Netten will be battling for the top spot. If Steele Jantz can offer consistent quarterback play, Iowa State can go to their third bowl game in four years.

job will be helped out by one of his former players at Notre Dame. Dayne Crist decided to transfer to Kansas to be back with the coach who recruited him out of high school. Crist is the player with the most experience playing in Weis’ offensive system and will be expected to be the offensive leader for the Jayhawks. One thing Crist will Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 51

College Football

By Jan Hubbard - @BlitzWeekly

truth & consequences

great philosopher once said the only constant in the world is change, which suggests that philosophy is probably a good field to enter because it doesn’t take much to be considered great. Change has been constant in college football, but, more accurately, it’s been brutal. The offseason was filled with headlines of criminal activity, adultery and drug problems. Those arresting topics made the normal big time college football issues of greed, power, wrath, pride, lust and envy seem almost trivial. Presumably, college football and its administrators have not purposely designed their sport in the image of the Seven Deadly Sins. But let’s just say the similarities are unmistakable. So in honor of the concept of seven, as the college season begins in earnest this weekend, let’s address seven compelling stories and their consequences. 1. Joe Paterno went from a living legend to a broken man whose 46-year career of personal and professional achievement ended in scandal, termination and death. In a few quick months, Paterno’s inability or lack of common sense to recognize the severity of former assistant Jerry Sandusky’s sex crimes destroyed his reputation.

Consequences: Because it was tired of being bullied by UT, A&M picked up and moved to a conference that has won the last six national championships and in a division with four of those winners. Looks like a classic Aggie response to an insult. 3. Bobby Petrino celebrated the spoils of elevating Arkansas to a level of competing for a national title with a woman half his age, which did not go down well with his wife or his employer. Despite a 21-5 record the previous two years, Petrino’s life crashed in a motorcycle accident when he was with his paramour and his attempted coverup was quickly, well, exposed and he was fired. Consequences: The yell “Woo, pig, sooey,” has taken on an entirely new meaning. 4. Twenty-four schools announced they were changing conferences, including TCU to the Big 12 this year and SMU to the Big East next year. North Texas also will move from the Sun Belt to Conference USA next year. Consequence: The Frogs are one of 10 teams in the Big 12 and the Mustangs are one of several teams West of the Mississippi in the Big East. It does seem both schools are challenged in basics like counting and

Consequence: We are to assume that like many men in their early 20s, the Honey Badger thought he was bullet proof. The clinic he entered suggests the bullets were more powerful than he thought. 6. After two years on the sideline, Mike Leach will take his offensive system talents to Washington State, which has had a 9-40 record its last four years. Consequences: College football’s resident wacky pirate may be in the far Northwest, but his history suggests that when he starts firing those big offensive cannons, Pac-12 opponents better duck. 7.

College

football

Photo Courtesy: anotherbeautifulday

Consequences: The image of Penn State football went from spotless to smutty in a matter of months. Nine players transferred to other schools including a star running back, wide receiver, backup quarterback, kicker and two tight ends. There was no death penalty, but Penn State will know what it feels like to be football teams from Indiana and Minnesota in the Big Ten. 2. After 118 meetings, the Texas-Texas A&M rivalry ended – at least for the foreseeable future – when the Aggies tired of the overpowering shadow of the University of Texas and moved to the Southeastern Conference. Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

geography, football will

but at least the be better.

5. The young LSU defensive back referred to as Honey Badger apparently had become a little too dependent on his own brand of honey and a potential Heisman Trophy run stopped before it started. Tyrann Mathieu was kicked off the team and subsequently it was announced he had enrolled in a clinic for drug treatment.

a l l Matt Barkley Heisman Trophy Barkley said if he he would have been RGIII in the draft.

lost

great

quarterbacks to the NFL with Andrew Luck, Robert Griffin III, Ryan Tannehill, Brandon Weeden and Kellen Moore departed. USC’s stayed and is the favorite, but had left school, taken ahead of

Consequences: It’s good to know that if for some reason Charles loses his voice, we have another Barkley to continue with the outrageous statements.

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AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012

Plate Escapes By Ethan Harmon - blackstar4556@gmail.com

Union Bear

Photos Courtesy: Ethan Harmon

he West Village in Uptown is a bustling area full of life and culture. Restaurants and shops line the streets, welcoming patrons to shop, eat, and enjoy themselves. Tucked away at 3699 McKinney Avenue, right next to The Magnolia, is a little restaurant called Union Bear. Half outside restaurant, half basement bar/ grill, Union Bear offers its customers unique takes on familiar dishes while boasting a large (and somewhat strange) beer selection.

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C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1 the unique spin on these dishes that makes the trip to this venue all the sweeter. One very interesting popular item is the “lamb and goat cheese pizza.” Lined with lamb meatballs and smothered in Texas goat cheese, this slice of heaven is a treat for the taste buds. Another favorite amongst guests is the “short rib sliders.” With its tender meat, hot cheese, and spicy mayo, it’s no wonder this item is a hit with every customer.

Atmosphere One will immediately notice the difference between this “hole-in-the-wall” restaurant and its surrounding competition. The outside tables are lively, packed with talking families and friendly gatherings, immediately turning the business into a relaxed, friendly environment. The inside, which leads into a basement-like area, is candlelit, creating a warm, homely feeling for each table. The hand-painted walls give the interior its personal touch. While browsing over the menu, the eye will most likely wander over to the bar, which is smack dab in the middle of the inner area, and the kitchen – located behind some of the tables. The aromas from the kitchen make the stomach growl, while the sight of beer flowing from the tap will make any sane person thirsty.

Service The servers are friendly, polite, funny, and not afraid to show a customer how to navigate the somewhat confusing menu. Beer recommendations are given based on guest preferences (the servers are packing some very impressive beerknowledge). Food and drinks come quick, and always presented with a smile. Blitz-Worthy With its delicious food, nice drink selection, and outstanding service, Union Bear is worth the journey. The prices are affordable (beer is only $5!) and the environment is relaxed and comfortable. Absolutely amazing. What to eat: Lamb and goat cheese pizza, short rib sliders, Dr. Pepper wings, Canadian tuxedo pizza Who eats there: Locals, beer snobs, pizza lovers

Food Union Bear is not going to blow any minds with its relatively small dinner menu. The menu is primarily filled with beverages, with the food section only taking up the middle third of the pamphlet. But the food at Union Bear should not be undermined, for it is one of the best aspects of the restaurant. Classic dishes such as pizza and wings are on the menu, along with salads and sandwiches. It’s

3699 McKinney Avenue #306 Dallas, TX 75204 (214) 245-5330 www.unionbear.com

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AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012

THE OM FACTOR

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 51

By C. Patterson - cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

Jennifer Buergermeister is seeking a spiritual revolution one breath at a time. Prepare to maximize your karma.

Photo Courtesy: Juice Consulting

Hit & Run is an updated version of the classic story, criminal tries to turn over a new leaf but can’t escape his past. Although the plot takes a welltraveled path, the comedy breaks new ground as it struggles with mainstream acceptance of homosexuals. Accepting gay people for who they are is passé; we are cool with our gay friends’/family members’ relationships now. Our hero, Charlie Bronson (Dax Shepard) is a great guy who happens to be former getaway driver. He is the quintessential supportive, salad making, proposes in-a-sincere-way (not the showy YouTube way) kind of guy. He is also in the Witness Protection Program, so he is one of the good guys now. The hapless Randy (Tom Arnold) is his Witness Protection case officer and

friend. Charlie’s fiancée, Annie (Kristen Bell) is a college professor who is more confident about her theories (her specialty is conflict resolution) than she is about herself. The day Charlie proposes, she is notified that she is being laid off from the local community college. Her boss, Debbie (Kristin Chenoweth), tries to soften the blow with frat humor and informs Annie that her dream job might be available in LA. Unfortunately, LA is the location of Charlie’s criminal past, which he hasn’t been completely honest about. In no time at all, the newly engaged couple, Randy, Annie’s ex (Micheal Rosenbaum), and the person Charlie testified against (Bradley Cooper) are all on the road as Charlie attempts to get her to her

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BW: Why yoga? JB: I had some very influential professors at the University of Houston and when you have someone who opens your mind and helps you see things differently it can often lead down a path. That path for me was spiritual psychology and transpersonal psychology, which brought me into more of Eastern thought. I began dabbling in yoga classes and I really enjoyed it. I come from a dance and gymnastics background, which was my passion and yoga sort of rekindled that feeling of what it was to a passionate young girl, who just couldn’t get enough of a particular practice.

in saving a lot of the smaller studios from closing down. The ways the laws were written and there was some action to make the smaller studios stand as a college, a university of a career school. It cost thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars to have this license and most yoga studios are small and quaint and they can’t really afford that. So we formed the Texas Yoga Association and stood up and fought against that movement and won. Then I had the idea that if we did it in Texas, we could do it in other states. That’s sort of how One Yoga USA began to develop. Then of course we had the idea for a training program that surpassed the standard that was already out there. We have 300, 500, and 1000-hour levels in our training program bringing only the best in the United States and beyond into the program to participate.

What’s your favorite type of yoga? I started out really getting into the heated yoga for a while, but then I never got past the headaches so I decided that maybe there’s another form of yoga that’s right for me. Two styles that really resonated with me were Vinyasa and Ashtanga, but I really fell in love with Vinyasa. My teacher really opened my heart up to what I think yoga is trying to teach us, which is grace. There is something to moving with breath and it’s very mind centered. It’s like moving meditation.

BW: What are the plans for the upcoming conference? JB: There is the Thursday night kick-off with the Breakfast Yoga Club and a very famous yogi named Rod Stryker. He is giving a lecture on how to expand your yoke practice. On Friday we have Hemalayaa Behl, Micheline Berry, Giselle Mari so we have a really nice eclectic group from all of the corners of the U.S. coming in to give these workshops, lectures, and classes all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. There is also a huge music element that is being presented with Desert Dwellers, Rara Avis – who is actually one of our founding partners with YogiTunes – we also have Shaman’s Dream, which is a very famous band for music for yoga.

BW: What happened once you knew yoga was your calling? JB: I ended up opening a studio and then a founded a 501 (c)(3) called Breathe the Cure, which is dedicated to teaching people how to breathe efficiently. It’s more about the quality of your breathing rather than the quantity of your breathing. Our 501(c)(3) then became an all donation studio. We opened up a second location and brought it under the umbrella of Breathe the Cure in Houston.

BW: I heard that Bear Grylls from Man Vs. Wild practices yoga everywhere including airports, the desert, and the middle of the jungle. Where is the strangest place that you have stuck in yoga pose? JB: On the back of my horse. I wanted to see if it was possible. It is very difficult and you are limited in what poses you can do and you have to really be careful because it can be very dangerous.

BW: And with One Yoga? JB: In 2010 there were some things that happened here in Texas. We changed two laws. The two laws were probably pivotal

Checkout more on Jenn and OneYoga USA’s Dallas Yoga Conference September 14-16 at www.oyusadallasfest.com

By Drew Davis - svo1905@gmail.com interview (in 2012, a life or death situation). heterosexual characters struggle to be supportive All the while, the past that Charlie has tried to without being insensitive. keep hidden from Annie is unraveling along with If you believe that eating a chicken sandwich Charlie’s too perfect image. can help preserve the sanctity of marriage, For its relatively few serious moments and Hit & Run is not for you. For everyone else, a zeitgeisty backdrop, the comedy focuses on Presidential Election year isn’t just a chance the post-racial Obama era. Racial stereotypes impose your morals on people who don’t share are sent up as ridiculous and irrelevant, while them, it is a chance to really think about where inter-racial relationships are presented without we are now and maybe have a good natured comment. laugh about it too. A big-hearted, and genuinely The real anxiety that the film taps into surrounds funny social comedy, Hit & Run is a breath of gay rights. Hit & Run acknowledges gay fresh air. culture, while presenting gay characters as sometimes insecure, and not always elegant – in other words, human. In fact, gay characters are the proverbial, “straight man” in the film as

MovieReview of hit & run

Jennifer Buergermeister has a free spirit – just speaking with her can calm your soul. She has chosen a path, and she walks it. In our conversation, the yoga activist/enthusiast/advocate revealed that for her hot yoga was a real pain, her goals for One Yoga USA, and why trying the downward dog on horseback may require a helmet.

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Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness? A: A bucking horse. Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012

The Buffet Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband’s fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest package. Now of course this woman wasn’t all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn’t care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money. The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and put it up on a long table. They did what she said. All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said “Mmmmnnn! A buffet!”

Blitz Funnys

give them $34 billion more to... uh, ...maybe take a little longer to collapse? While, at the same time, believing TV’s The Simpson Family is twice as popular as Elvis Presley, the Postal powers that be wasted $1.2 million printing Simpsons’ likenesses on 1 billion stamps, of which, only 318 million were sold. (A U.S. mail carrier’s yearly pay is $36,278 to $61,875.)

AND, ...GOD HELP US ALL According to The Dallas Morning News, Deanna Cook, whose husband was notorious for beating her, screamed during her 911 emergency phone call, and: “choking, gurgling, and pleading for her life as her assailant was killing her Friday morning.” Did Dallas police rush to her rescue? Well, when they showed up exactly 50 minutes later, records prove, the policemen rang her bell, walked around, then left.

SORRY BASTARDS! A 65-year-old woman, Patricia Slaughter, who suffers several illnesses, including diabetes and osteoporosis, told Dallas police she was rolled along in her wheelchair the night of August 19, 2011, on her way to get much needed loaves of donated bread at her church, when she was assaulted, thrown to the ground, stepped upon and robbed of her watch, ring, what little money she had, and …her wheelchair.

AN OUTDATED ORGANIZATION According to Fox News, with the U.S. Postal Service losing almost $25 million each and every day (Yes, every day.), a recent bill passed by the Senate will

Virgo August 23 – September 22 Your significant other will leave you after discovering that you have received text messages from the Saloon Girls at Baby Dolls.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Bringing home road kill and a six pack of PBR wasn’t the seven course meal your wife envisioned for your anniversary dinner.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 You experience a familiar sense of dread on Friday when your mom makes her weekly “I never really wanted to have you” phone call.

Libra September 23 – October 22 After your gory suicide The Dallas Morning News will run your picture on the front page with the headline, “Finally!”

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Your career as a door-to-door magazine subscription salesman comes to an end this week when you are greeted with a shotgun blast.

Aries March 21 – April 19 The stars have a simple message for you this week: You are the biggest asshole in the universe.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Your naked silhouette will become known to every trucker in the United States when you’re asked to be the model for a new line of mudflaps.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Betting on your love life will end up bankrupting you.

Taurus April 20 – May 20 Hilarity ensues when you become trapped in a sausage factory.

ACROSS 1. Unexpired 6. Playlet 10. Annoyance 14. Gladden 15. Employ 16. Countertenor 17. What we are called 18. Absent Without Leave 19. Genuine 20. Y ou jump up and down on this 22. Among 23. Completely 24. Insipid 26. Dunce 30. Vortex 32. Mistake 33. Very drunk 37. Nonexistent 38. Leave out 39. Mentor 40. Assign

42. Center 43. Adolescents 44. Refinement 45. Aviator 47. Cacophony 48. Coalition 49. Vilify 56. Hindu princess 57. Cain’s brother 58. Angered 59. District 60. Fastens 61. Seaweed 62. Small slender gull 63. Feudal worker 64. Gain knowledge

Gemini May 21 – June 21 News Flash: You will soon be in a place where your horrorscope will not apply. Cancer June 22 – July 22 Your loneliness will continue when you discover that your mail order bride has been sent to the wrong address. Leo July 23 – August 22 The phrase, “you got a purdy mouth” will be the highlight of this weekend’s camping trip.

DOWN 1. Blow off steam 2. Winglike 3. Tibetan monk 4. Bit of gossip 5. Hopelessness 6. Will 7. Flightless bird 8. Weightlifters pump this 9. Broadcast 10. Someone who is paralyzed 11. Lacquer ingredient 12. Sedate 13. Informed 21. Not young 25. Paintings 26. Transmit 27. Not false 28. Website addresses 29. Congressman, for example 30. Narrow fissures 31. Walk in water

33. Scheme 34. Boorish 35. At one time (archaic) 36. Responsibility 38. Weaken 41. G 42. Inorganic 44. Bite 45. Emergency signal 46. Hermit 47. Coarse edible red seaweed 48. Rascal 50. Nile bird 51. Adolescent 52. Anger 53. Aquatic plant 54. Rip 55. Biblical garden

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AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012

The CLOSER

Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

Fancy Man Needs a First Lady This little tale of a peen is classic and priceless. I must say, this gentleman never did anything diabolical or untruthful. He was just blatantly obsessed with himself. Can’t blame a guy for having confidence I suppose? I just moved to Texas and was setting into a brand new job. With a laser focus on my career, finding a fella was the last thing on my mind. So, I was pleasantly surprised when I had a meeting with a dapper young squire who owned his own company (we will call him President). Drive, work ethic and brains are an aphrodisiac for me, so this guy appeared like a dream on paper. Eventually, this business relationship dabbled into a wee bit of flirtation. I was fine with this, as he was initiating it all. His confidence was appreciated when he asked me on a date. It wasn’t one of those silly texts that insinuate a date is being requested, but the guy doesn’t want to appear vulnerable. President asked me straight up to take me out on the town. I was almost giddy with joy. This was my first date in the big city. My giddiness was slightly stifled with his douchiness when he asked, completely serious, if we should take a limo to dinner. I quickly retorted, “hell no this isn’t the high school prom.” The limo comment was one of many outlandish remarks. President was just getting warmed up. Most girls would have loved a Sugar Daddy personality, but I simply can’t stomach it. He called me thirty minutes before the date and asked what I was planning to wear. Not sure why, but I found it far too easy to be sassy with this dude. I said “why the hell do you care?” He replied in all seriousness, “Well I’m wearing a double-breasted suit and I’d like you to wear something that’s 1940’s.” I replied, “This ain’t no themed frat party. I’ll wear what I want.” Why he still wanted to go out with my foul mouth, I’ll never know. The 1940’s bit was due to his man crush on Frank Sinatra and his vocal cords. I think he pretended he was the pack master of the Rat Pack. It’s seven on the dot and he is outside my apartment complex. I walk outside to the curb where he was waiting for me in a sleek, polished ride. To this day, that little car is the fanciest thing I’ve ever sat my behind on. He was dressed to the nines and dripping with arrogance. I thought for sure he wouldn’t be his Mr. President self on our date. You gotta let your hair down a little right? Nope. From the boardroom to the bedroom, I think this cat only has one mode. As we’re driving to dinner, he takes a call on speaker, which I thought was rude as hell. He answered the call as “This is the President.” I couldn’t resist a gasp of laughter. As soon as he hung up, I exclaimed, “What the hell was

that!?” He informed me he needed to let the individual calling know who they were speaking to. I held firm saying, “Well that was a really dickish way to answer the phone. They clearly knew who they were dialing when they called.” My blunt words didn’t pierce him at all. It seemed the hastier I was, the more he liked it. Probably some weird sex fetish. As dinner unfolded, he began pitching me what seemed like a sales presentation. He explained that he is a bit of a local celebrity in the community and he’s looking for a First Lady. He was wondering if I could be First Lady material. I was literally biting my lip. Wasn’t sure if I would scream obscenities at this idiot or pee my pants laughing. I kept looking around, imagining a camera and friends popping out informing me I was being pranked. This guy was too much! Dinner was over and gulped cocktails were swimming through our bodies. He asked what I wanted to do next. I offered up ice cream or coffee. Nope - that wasn’t high brow enough for Mr. Fancy Pants President. He wanted to strut his double breasted suit ass in the lobby of the Ritz Carlton. Prior to this date, I was not used to such lavishness. My idea of a fancy date was a restaurant that didn’t have napkin dispensers on the table. Thanks to President and trailing off several years from the college dating scene, my standards have been raised. Anywho, we arrive at the Ritz. I felt uncomfortable, wondering if President expected a little extra bang for his buck and wanted sex after dinner. Luckily, I am pretty sure he’s asexual, so he didn’t solicit any fornication. Although if he was a smooth operator, I’m sure he would have hauled me upstairs to the penthouse and played the best of the Rat Pack. As the people watched he insisted on continuing, I realized what was going on. I was simply an accessory to his grand evening. He scanned every room we entered to see who was peeping up at him. He made sure he caught everyone’s gaze, except for the girl he was on a date with. He craved attention and simply wanted an ornament on his arm. I was on an audition to be his First Lady! Yuck! After this realization I rudely yawned, contorting the ugliest face I could make. I

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 51

The

AnsweR GUY with Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur, I am a fairly attractive guy and fell in love and married my high school sweetheart. Over the years I have stayed in shape and kept myself up, my other half…not so much. I’m starting to get the feeling that I settled. Any suggestions? Signed, Paul There is something fundamentally wrong with the way society views selfimage these days. Women have been reduced to 2D versions of themselves within society’s eyes, unless they fit a certain physical profile. The pressure from commercial industries for women to look a certain way has leaked into the home front. And, sadly Paul it’s rooted itself within subconscious! Now, not only are you pondering if you’ve settled for the woman whom you’ve loved since high school and built a life. You’re also ignoring the simple fact of life, which is that people gain weight due to childbirth, age, genetics, and even stress! If you’re stressing her about her weight gain you’re doing more harm than good! I think it’s awesome that you’re staying in shape and working out! We all could use more of that! However, your letter said nothing about you motivating your wife to lose weight or work out with you! It’s obvious that your example didn’t inspire her! Let’s change that! It’s okay for someone to not be attracted to their spouse on a physical level after years of being together that’s understandable and normal, however is that reason enough to call it quits? I think not! We all can improve our looks a bit on a physical level, but not many of us can improve our love story! You want my advice; here it is STOP BUYING INTO WHAT SOCIETY SAYS YOUR WIFE SHOULD LOOK LIKE AND LOVE HER FOR WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE!

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 51

AUGUST 29 - September 4, 2012

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