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Top 11 Reasons to head back to campus The Art of Pulling Off Pranks

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on deck

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

can the cowboys go for gold?

A SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Bad Boys Bad Boys 3 Cowboys Training Camp 4 Heavy Medal 5 Must Be The Money 5 Rangers Report 6 UFC 150 Preview 6 VOTE, BLITZIE, VOTE 7 Sushi Guide 8 Eat It. Wear It. Go There. 9 Cover Story Dorm Pranks 10 Back to Skool 10 - 11 BLITZ Entertainment Tamika Sanchez 12 Dream Chaser 13 Jay Reid Interview 14 Geek Chic 14 Hollywood Shuffle 15 Dream Girl Blake Lively 15 Movie Review 15 Gearshift 16 Gadgets 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Lola Says 18 The Answer Guy 18 The Frenchman 18

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Graphic Designer Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mateeka Lanee, Mark Miller Contributing Photographers

Paul Boomer, Kelly Finnamore, Mike Mulvey, Korin Reese, Koichi Taniguchi, Fanpop, Fashionalbedo, Ian, Lasaire, Natalie_113, Nectariens, Contributing Writers Joyce Alexander, Cote Bailey, Arhur Bellfield, Jay Betsill, Jack Duke, Ethan Harmon, Scott Holub, Martin Iheke, Aeryn Ripley, Danny Woodley

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

s we watch hour after time delayed hour of Olympic coverage it’s easy to see how the athletes spent their lives tuning out distraction, aiming for perfection and beating the odds for the chance to compete on a world stage. But can our Cowboys buckle down and use the following Olympic customs to make a run for a Super Bowl win this year? They’ll need to hone each of these traits in order to do what we all know they are capable of.

veterans and rookies suffering they had to bring in players for the workout and thin some of the periods to limit the reps and wear on their bodies. Overcoming real or imagined limitations is going to test the conviction of this team. There will be awful games up north on frozen fields that will aggravate every arthritic joint and tendon they have, but it must not stop them if they want glory on that first Sunday in February.

Focus For most of us, achieving focus is near impossible with the entire Photo Courtesy: Natalie_113 world at our fingertips every second of the day. We’re constantly managing work and family while squeezing in time for play. But we are also not making millions of dollars and are not the subject of hundreds of newspaper articles, websites and TV shows. Tuning out the droning static of constant judgment and criticism will help the team eliminate the fears that this season will be like the others.

Self-discipline Earlier this summer, Dez Bryant was arrested for a class “A” assault/family violence misdemeanor charge involving his mother. She sat amicably beside her son in a press conference while he read a prepared statement denying that any assault took place. We may never know the full truth of what took place that night, but from this and previous run-ins with law enforcement we do know that Bryant has anger issues that need to be addressed. The team will eventually get ahead of this incident and offer him help so that the NFL will show mercy. From the beginning, Bryant has been a playmaker but management and coaching can only take a player and a team so far. In order to consistently bring his real “A” game he will have to train himself to abide by the rules. Determination Before the Blue and White scrimmage this past Sunday the Cowboys had 18 players nursing injuries. It’s well known that injuries are common during training camp but because of the variety of

bad boys bad boys

Confidence In a way, the Cowboys already encompass many of these character traits because they made it to the NFL. But in order to go to the next level they will have to know that the past 17 championship-free seasons don’t matter anymore. They must battle through this season knowing that every victory is a step closer to the ultimate triumph. And being champions will be amazing but knowing they gave it everything they had will be worth its weight in gold.

The Flatter the Better Roger Pion is a hero among criminals. The 34-year-old Orleans county, Vermont resident was arrested for resisting arrest and pot possession and after his release decided he wanted a little payback. Pion jumped in a farm tractor and flattened seven cop cars “monster truck-style.” He was arrested for unlawful felony mischief, aggravated assault on an officer, and one count of revenge of the year.

uncle walter on the $2.5 billion Mars rover landing

I’ve seen places just as crappy for much cheaper.

So Shoe Me Former NFL star Warren Sapp has a bit of a problem, a tax problem. The quarterback smasher filed Chapter 7 Bankruptcy, you know the one that normally ends your game of Monopoly, and has to auction off his collection of 240 pairs of Air Jordans to help satisfy creditors. Don’t get your hopes up though, Sapp wears a size 15 and you know what they say about guys with big feet…they have big IRS bills. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

AUGUST 8 -14, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 48 Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

cowboys training camp

By J ay Betsill – @thefamousjay Scott Holub – @cowboytrivia

news and notes on america’s team

he Dallas Cowboys have made the trip out west and are in Oxnard for Training Camp. On Sunday they had their BlueWhite scrimmage where DeMarco Murray was the star with his physical running. The team’s Facebook page now has over five million “likes” and is still growing. The team is also focusing on their first preseason game against the Oakland Raiders on Monday. The game will be aired on ESPN at 7pm. Here’s what has happened recently of note.

undrafted rookie receiver out of SMU, reconsidered his decision and returned to Oxnard. Garrett had given Beasley 24 hours to reconsider and Beasley called Saturday evening and informed the Cowboys head coach that he wanted to return to the team. “I just had a couple of issues that I had to take care of, and go home and spend some time with my family and go over some stuff,” Beasley said. “I think I got all that resolved, and now I’m just ready to focus on football.”

MILES AUSTIN INJURED The Dallas Cowboys are a week into Training Camp in Oxnard and are already nursing several injured players. Wide receiver Miles Austin battled hamstring issues for most of last season, so when word came that he would be out for a week with what is being called a strained hamstring, it is an obvious concern -- that is unless your name is Jerry Jones and you own the franchise. “I’m not necessarily concerned about his (Austin’s) situation and why I’m not is we are being very conservative here,” owner and general manager Jerry Jones said. “These get a little tightness or a little twinge. Everybody is on the same page here.”

JASON GARRETT OFFERS CONDOLENCES TO ANDY REID Jason Garrett started his Sunday afternoon news conference offering condolences to Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid whose oldest son, Garrett, was found dead in his dorm room at the club’s training camp at Lehigh University on Sunday. He also offered condolences to Reid’s wife, Tammy, and the entire Eagles organization and said that he sent Reid a text message offering his support. “Andy is a great guy, he’s an outstanding football coach, but he’s a great guy,” Garrett said. “He’s been really good to me and so good to so many people in the NFL for a long, long time. He’s part of our fraternity and this is really, really sad day for their family and really for everybody in the NFL.”

MORRIS CLAIBORNE HURTING The Cowboys addressed their biggest weakness of a season ago -- the cornerback position -- by saying goodbye to Terence Newman and adding Brandon Carr and Morris Claiborne to join Mike Jenkins and Orlando Scandrick in the defensive backfield. While Carr has been stellar in camp, Claiborne, the team’s first-round pick out of LSU, has had a tougher time with things. Adding to his issues of trying to cover wide receiver Dez Bryant is the fact that Claiborne is going to miss a week with a sprained medial collateral ligament in his left knee. “A little bit disappointing,” Claiborne said, “but it’s not too much because I know it’s not something serious. I know it’s something I can come back from.” COLE BEASLEY SAGA “Cole came into my office yesterday and said, he wasn’t going to play football anymore,” head coach Jason Garrett said Saturday morning. “And we sat down and had a little visit and for now we put him on the left team exempt list.” Following a brief trip home, Beasley, an Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

TERRELL OWENS SIGNS WITH SEATTLE Going into Week No. 2 of camp, the Cowboys have still not addressed their lack of depth at the wide receiver position. A suspension for Dez Bryant is inevitable following his arrest and now that Miles Austin is out with what is becoming his annual “hamstring issues”, it is possible that Dallas could line up against the New York Giants on the NFL’s opening night with Kevin Ogletree as their wide receiver biggest threat. The Seattle Seahawks are not doing the Cowboys any favors in that department. After signing receiver Braylon Edwards last week, the Seahawks signed former Cowboys wide out Terrell Owens after a tryout on Monday afternoon. The Seahawks agreed to a one-year, $925,000 deal with Owens. Owens is tied with Randy Moss, now back in the league with San Francisco, for the second most receiving touchdowns in NFL history. He has played for five teams, most recently with Cincinnati in 2010. He caught 72 for 983 yards and nine touchdowns in 14 games that season.

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AUGUST 8 - 14, 2012 Photo Courtesy: fanpop

it must be the money! By Danny Woodley

– @BlitzWeekly

worst athlete endorsements

eing a superstar is tough. These guys have don’t exactly live a cheap lifestyle so from time to time they have to do things that they are not so proud of to keep the coffers full. You know, things like these:

Carson Palmer John Morrell GO Long…er! Nope we can’t see anything that could possibly be misconstrued about this ad. Not one thing…

Kobe Bryant, Alex Rodriguez, Tony Hawk, and Michael Phelps Guitar Hero Imagine what the phone call must have been like from the people at Guitar Hero to the prospective agents of the world’s best athletes: Yeah it’ll be great. They’ll be like the ultimate karaoke band… but in their underwear pretending to be Tom Cruise from Risky Business. And can Tony wear his helmet and bring a skateboard too?

Joe Montana Skechers Shape-Ups He can throw touchdowns, lose his dignity and tone his gluts all at the same time.

Ray Lewis The RL 52 Snuggie That Ray, he’s just a cuddly, wuddly little bear that wants to be all warm and comfy when he’s on the couch. Say what you will but no one seems as intimidating while wearing a Snuggie.

heavy medal By Martin Iheke – miheke@gmail.com

michael phelps: greatest olympian of all time?

hat can you say about Michael Phelps? Every time we see this guy swim, he continues to amaze us. He has a total of twenty-two medals, with eighteen of them gold. Incredible! That is the most of any athlete in modern Olympic history. It is not like this guy is old either. He is twentyseven years old and looks like he can compete in one more Olympics. Unfortunately, he said that this Olympics will be his last but what a way to leave the sport on top. In his final event last Saturday in the 4x100-meter medley relay, Phelps in vintage fashion with his trademark butterfly stroke led his team to gold. “I’ve been able to do everything that I wanted,” Phelps said according to ESPN.com. “I was able to really put the final cherry on top tonight, put all the whipped cream I wanted and sprinkles. I was able to top off the sundae. It’s been a great career. It’s been a great journey. I can’t be any more happy than I am,” as Phelps continued. What a career for this guy. Who would have thought when he attended his first Olympics in Sydney, Australia in 2000 as a fifteen-year old that twelve years later, we would be talking about him as one of if not the greatest Olympian of all time. He collected his first eight medals in eight events in Athens, Greece in 2004 with six of them being gold. He did this at the age of nineteen. People were wondering if Phelps was primed to break Mark Spitz’s record of winning seven gold medals in 1972. Phelps made that a goal as he ended up winning eight gold medals in 2008 in Beijing, China. By the way, he set new world records in all eight events. He collected six more medals in this year’s Olympics in London with four of them being

gold, which totals twenty-two medals overall with eighteen of them being gold. The one thing that struck me most about the medals he has won is how he was able to three-peat in five different events in three different Olympics. Those five events being the 100-meter butterfly, 200-meter individual medley, 4x100-meter medley relay, 4x200-meter freestyle relay and 200-meter individual medley. I know some of those events are team-oriented and you have to have great teammates to excel as well, but to be able to accomplish this feat takes determination and tremendous skill to pull this off. Michael Phelps exemplifies this and it is a wonderful credit to him. When it comes to legends in other sports, you immediately think of the first name that pops up in your mind in that particular sport. For me, in basketball that is Michael Jordan. In hockey, that is Wayne Gretzky. In golf, that is Tiger Woods and in tennis that is Roger Federer. When I think of swimming, I will think of Michael Phelps. How could you not? This guy just won twenty-two medals in Olympic play! Now the debate comes if he is the greatest Olympian of all time. Normally, this type of discussion is subjective and opinions can vary. You can make the case for a Jesse Owens, Jim Thorpe or Carl Lewis. There might be others that I have not mentioned, but when it comes to Michael Phelps and his twenty-two medals, it is really hard to argue against the fact that he is the greatest Olympian of all time. Personally, I think he is and the fact that the sport of swimming can be so demanding and draining having to train for a lot different events like Phelps has is quite an amazing feat.

Tom Brady UGG Boots I wonder if Tom has pink toenail polish with Hello Kitty decals on when he takes his foot out of those. Photo Courtesy: fashionalbedo The only thing that a guy can wear on his feet that would be less manly than UGG Boots is a pair of Playtex running shoes. Rafael Palmeiro Viagra Well, you don’t hit all those home runs without bringing some serious wood.

Jimmy Johnson Extenz I mean c’mon this one was a no brainer for the male enhancement marketing team, the guy has “Jimmy” and “Johnson” in his name.

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 48 Photos Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

Upcoming Schedule: 8/8 @Red sox 12:35 p.m. 8/10 Tigers 7:05 p.m. 8/11 Tigers 7:05 p.m. 8/12 Tigers 2:05 p.m. 8/13 @yankees 6:05 p.m. 8/14 @yankees 6:05 P.M.

ufc 150 preview By Frank LaCosta – flacosta@blitzweekly.com

henderson vs. edgar II Benson “Smooth” Henderson (15-2-0) vs. Frankie “The Answer” Edgar (14-2-1)

T ranger report

By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com

could one game key a season?

n a season that lasts more than six months, it’s hard for one game to make a huge difference but if the Texas Rangers win the American League West division this year they can count Aug. 1 as one of those rare times. After losing two of three games to the Chicago White Sox and the first two to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, the Rangers and pitcher Yu Darvish were down 7-1 after three innings to their arch rivals. Another loss would cut their lead to just two games. But they rallied not once, but twice to pull out an 11-10 victory in 10 innings. It was reminiscent of Game 6 of last year’s World Series when the same thing happened to the Rangers against the St. Louis Cardinals. “It was a test of our character as a team and organization,” said Manager Ron Washington. “Our backs were against the wall but the guys pulled together and showed what they are made of and pulled if off.” Texas entered the game with just four hits in its last 42 atbats with runners in scoring position, which keyed the four losses in five games. It also epitomized the entire month of July when the team had a 9-14 record, batted just .243 and scored just 81 runs. The 3.52 runs per game was the lowest for a month by the team in nearly 20 years. But the Rangers started the new month with 17 hits and went 8-for-18 with runners in scoring position. They tied it thanks to a four-run fourth inning and solo runs in the eighth and ninth, the latter courtesy of Ian Kinsler’s home run. After Joe Nathan gave up a solo homer to Chris Iannetta and a two-run shot by Albert Pujols in the 10th, things seemed doomed again. Then

Nelson Cruz opened the bottom of the inning with a homer and Elvis Andrus ended it with a two-run single to win the game. “It was exactly what we needed,” said outfielder David Murphy. “It feels a whole lot better.” The Rangers won their next three including 15-9 the next night against the Angels. Even after losing 7-6 in Sunday’s finale at Kansas City, the Rangers ended the week six games ahead of the Angels and 5.5 games in front of Oakland and feeling a whole lot better about themselves. AL East teams next With the Rangers done with their AL West rivals until September, it’s on to two weeks against the American League East primarily on the road. After finishing a three-game set at Boston on Wednesday, they are home for the weekend against the Detroit Tigers, then go to New York for four games against the Yankees. Detroit trailed the Chicago White Sox by 1.5 games entering this week after sweeping Cleveland. Since Texas took two of three games from them at home in June, the Tigers have added starting pitcher Anibal Sanchez and second baseman Omar Infante from Miami and utility player Jeff Baker from the Chicago Cubs. The Yankees and Rangers shared the American League’s best record entering this week and will play for the only time in New York. Texas took two of three games in Arlington in April. The major difference for New York is addition of outfielder Ichiro Suzuki from Seattle and the loss of third baseman Alex Rodriquez to a broken hand. The Yankees picked up Casey McGehee from Pittsburgh to fill in for A-Rod.

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he co-main event pits Henderson and Edgar in a rematch of their UFC 144 bout. Edgar at the time was defending his lightweight title. It was a back and forth fight that went the distance. In the end, Henderson was declared the winner via unanimous decision. Henderson certainly possesses a few advantages, he’s taller and has a longer reach than Edgar. He’s not one to stand and bang preferring to take his opponent to the mat and focus on the ground and pound game. Edgar has much better striking abilities and he’s a good wrestler. This will be a closely contested match and with both fighters being equals it’ll come down to making adjustments. Edgar’s heart will only take him so far. Look for Henderson to win via decision again. Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone (18-4-0) vs. Melvin “The Young Assassin” Guillard (47-11-3) The other half of the co-main event could win “fight of the night” honors. These two cats used to train together and will put their friendship aside in the name of getting down to business. Since Photo Courtesy: www.fightlaunch.com

Katrina, substance abuse). He’s also added some kickboxing to his repertoire. Look for him to kick and kick and kick his way to victory. He’ll win in the second with Cerrone tapping out. Jake Shields (27-6-1) vs. Ed “Short Fuse” Herman (20-7-0) Shields was riding high a little over a year ago. He had defeated Dan Henderson and Martin Kampmann setting up a match with Georges StPierre. He went five rounds but lost the unanimous decision to GSP and with a subsequent loss to Jake Ellenberger, Shields found himself on the road to redemption. He won earlier this year with a three round decision over Yoshihiro Akiyama. Shields has a Gracie BJJ black belt and brings speed to the fight. He is a well balanced fighter. Herman has won four of his last five fights. He prefers to fight on the ground where he’ll put his wrestling skills to work. He might be too aggressive leaving him vulnerable to Shields. The winner of this fight will crack the upper echelon of the middleweight division. Look for Shields to win via decision and make the move. Photo Courtesy: Koichi Taniguchi

making his UFC debut, Cerrone has won five of his last six bouts. The lone loss came at the hands of Nate Diaz. Cerrone is a full three inches taller and packs a powerful punch. At the end of the day his true strength is in the submission game. Guillard has been in the game for quite some time and he’s an athletic beast. He too is a damn good striker and is big on takedowns. The Young Assassin has fought through some personal hardships (loss of father, surviving

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give it to me raw

By Jack Duke - comments@blitzweekly.com

desperately seeking sushi in dfw

Deep Sushi Deep Ellum goes deep sea here and reels in the delicious. Our favorites are the Deep Sushi Edamame Shrimp Tempura and the Maverick Roll it’s re-Dirk-ulous. Genki Sushi & Steak Great sushi and they always have awesome specials. You also have to see their conveyor belt that lets you pick the rolls that you like (I recommend the Tuna Roll). Cool and tasty.

Kampai Sushi & Grill The Addison Circle go to sushi destination has a Spicy Salmon Roll that has got more kick to it than a Bruce Lee montage. Also zero in on the Red Snapper & Shiso Roll. Kenichi Dallas This place is for the sushi seeker with style. The award-winning restaurant is a favorite of the residents of Yuppiedom. Make sure to try the

Yellowtail or the Freshwater Eel. Mr. Sushi Since 1984 freshness has always been key with Mr. Sushi. The Smoke Salmon is outstanding and the Mussel Dynamite Sushi is the stuff of legend. Nobu Dallas One of the coolest and most chic restaurants in the city has the sushi rolls to match. Try the Negi Toro Roll, the Soft Shell Crab Roll, and if you’re feeling like a high roller check out the Lobster Roll. Steel Restaurant & Lounge The home of the Japanese Ceviche also has one heck of a Tuna Tower. Sushi on McKinney The authentic Japanese sushi restaurant is the place to savor the flavor of sushi, sushi rolls, and sushi specials. The Baby Moon is a must try. Tei Tei Robata If you are on North Henderson and have a craving for sushi Tei Tei is for me me or for you you. The fresh Octopus is awesome, but the Sushi Sampler is the go-to move. Teppo Yakitori & Sushi Bar This place rocks. Exceptional sushi…the Spicy Tuna Roll…we day dream about the Spicy Tuna Roll.

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 48

Eat It

It’s 104 degrees outside so treat yourself to something cold and amazing. Pokey O’s fresh baked cookies and ice cream is ready to help you cool off with 15 flavors of Blue Bell ice cream and 13 kinds of irresistible cookies. Park Cities Plaza 3034 Mockingbird lane Dallas, TX 75205 (214) 987-1200 www.pokeyos.com

AUGUST 8 - 14, 2012

WEAR It

Next time an occasion calls for an apron show them how you roll and whip out the Maker’s. This creation from Field Aesthetic’s is quite possibly the most practical apron ever. It’s made of re-purposed military tent canvas and has bib and dual waist pockets as well as adjustable straps and brass rivets. If badasses wore aprons this would be it.

GO THERE

Eat and help people at the same time with KRLD’s Restaurant Week. Enjoy food from Al Biernat’s, Joule, Private Social, and many more and each restaurant donates $7 to the North Texas Food Bank or Lena Pope Home. It’s a good excuse to get out of the house and eat some great food. www.dfw.cbslocal.com

www.fieldaesthetic.com

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Dorm

Top 11 reasons to get back on campus

Because why the hell noT? The Tinkle Sprinkle Step one: W ait until your roommate is sound asleep Step two: Take one layer of Saran Wrap and place it between the toilet bowl and the seat Step three: Wait for your groggy roommate to awaken and go for his morning relief…and then listen to the expletives fly Beware of Nair Step one: Wait until the night before your roommate’s big date Step two: Pour out his shampoo and replace it with Nair Hair Removal Lotion Step three: Make sure you are not home when he takes his shower the next day and comes out resembling George Jefferson Antiquing Step one: Gently sneak up on your dozing roommate Step two: Have a hand full of flour Step three: Swiftly slap your roommate abruptly waking him from the visions of sugar plums dancing in his head and covering him with flour t h u s leaving him to look like a dusty antique

while they have a pencil gently placed at the corner of their mouths. Then there are the genius custodians that graduate from Harvard and become Jason Bourne or the lovable miscreant businessman that enrolls to eventually date Sally Kellerman. From Van Wilder to Legally Blonde to Old School to PCU we are shown that we can go to class (on occasion), piss off the dean, and still get the diploma and the girl. Sweet!

No 7

The scenery Life on campus can broaden your horizons and show you things that you would normally never get a chance to see. As soon as you step foot on the grounds you will have a senses overload from all the beauty, breathtaking, and unbelievably hot aesthetics. Sure the trees and the statues of the old dead guy that founded the place are cool, but what will really get the ol’ soft tissue in your head stimulated is the mobile scenery that walks around campus in their pajama bottoms and tank tops. I’m feeling smarter already.

No 6

By Cote Bailey - @BlitzWeekly Photos Courtesy: Kelly Finnamore, lasaire, Ian, nectariens, Mike Mulvey

No 11

and dad will be proud. Diversity yay!

Discounted tickets to your school’s football games If you’re a big sports fan that never was able to get that diploma remember that there is an extra incentive to get back in class; the student discount on sports tickets. Be right there as SMU, TCU, or UNT take the field and have the satisfaction of knowing you paid half of what the rest of these poor schmucks paid – minus the cost of tuition so technically you paid $35,000 per semester more for your tickets, but who’s counting?

No 9

Bananagram Step one: Massage a banana until the insides are mushy, but don’t break the skin Step two: Let it sit until it turns black Step three: Find target walking to class and send them an express bananagram Elevator from Hell Step one: Find an engineering student Step two: Rewire the dorm elevator so that the numbers no longer correspond to the correct floors Step three: Watch anarchy ensue

Apps that’ll make ya lern sumthin

According to studies, 86.3% of all strippers are attempting to pay their way through college So if this is true class should get real interesting if you happen to have a couple of extra singles laying around.

No 10

The chance to be immortalized in one of those terrible college stock photos You know the ones: Kid looking intently at beaker, guy and girl laughing while Indian sitting on lawn, multi-racial gathering of students of various social and economic classes working on a project conveniently in front of school sign or statue. Mom Speed Anatomy What you learn: The ins and outs of our biological system. Impress your friends by knowing what’s the calcaneum. Cost $.99 Platform: Android

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You can finally learn the answers to the great mysteries of life College opens your mind to the answers of some of life’s greatest questions like how were the Pyramids of Egypt built, what’s behind the Bermuda Triangle, the Tunguska Explosion, what happened to the Roanoke Colony, and who’s responsible for crop circles? Oh you won’t…well…at least you can get those half-priced tickets!

No 5

Being able to befriend a genius Instead of tormenting the guy that is probably going to be your boss one day why not become his buddy and fend off others who look to solidify

No 8

Movies make it look awesome Hollywood makes college seem incredible. If we go by Tinseltown our collegiate experience would be filled with smoking hot blondes in Anthropology 101 whose hair blows and glows Grammar Girl What you learn: Where those commas go and where they don’t plus tons more stuff. Cost $1.99 Platform: Apple

his nomination for the Wedgie Hall of Fame. Should you become guardian of the geeks you Sonnets by Shakespeare What you learn: Thou shall learn’t the words of the greatest poet ever. Cost $13.99 Platform: Android

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will most likely be rewarded handsomely with a cushy job when four-eyes starts the next Google or invents a way to track down the lost dryer sock.

AUGUST 8 - 14, 2012

No 2

Being able to look down on non-college grads Once enrolled be sure to let everyone that you know who didn’t graduate know that you are back in school. And even if your major is undecided be sure to make up some crazy major course of study to impress them and crush their hopes of ever being better than you in one fell swoop. Try this on for size: Friend: What are you studying? You: Oh me, I’m just studying Bio-Mechanical Engineering with an emphasis on STEM cell research and a minor in pre-revolution French art history Friend: Oh that’s nice (thinking: I hate my life)

No 4

The chance that your archeology professor is Indiana Jones Wouldn’t it be awesome to accompany Professor Jones to Southern Asia or the Mayan ruins or maybe even the Middle East…that is except for potentially getting killed, maimed or thrown into a pit of venomous snakes. But I heard if you die while doing an assignment you get an A.

No 3

The gorgeous professor Hey you never know when Megan Fox will be invited as a guest prof for Sex Ed. One can dream can’t we?

No 1

Finally being able to flick off your boss at Starbucks Student loan owed amount: $146,000. Being able to stick it to the man, priceless. Take your Venti Soy Chai at 130 degrees with no water and a drizzle of caramel and shove it!

Star Walk What you learn: How to recognize constellations and other astronomy tidbits. Cost $2.99 Platform: Apple Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

AUGUST 8 -14, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 48

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See more of TAMIKA and others at Blitzweekly.com Model: Tamika Sanchez Photo Courtesy: Korin Reese / Urban Jungle Photography Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Tamika

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 48

AUGUST 8 - 14, 2012

dream chaser

here is a reason we admire heroes. They accomplish things that we can only dream about. Through any and all obstacles that appear in their way, they transcend. Magnus Walker is one of mine – not because he possesses some superior strength that lets him bend steel with his bare hands or his ability to fight off the riff raff of Gotham, but because he follows his dreams. I had the pleasure of seeing a documentary trailer a while back entitled Urban Outlaw and on my laptop screen was a scruffy English gentleman telling the story of his love affair with Porsche. And this was no ordinary love, this love began when he was a 10-year-old boy and he wrote a letter to the factory in Germany. This was a love that had seen him through the collecting of over 40 vintage Porsche 911s. His story moved me enough to start searching for the rabbit hole that would lead me to his contact information to speak with him. Luckily I found such a rabbit hole and the Stuttgart automobile enthusiast, owner of Serious Clothing, and son of rock-n-roll agreed to speak with me from his home in L.A. about Porsches, love, and perfect timing.

By C.Patterson - cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

Photos Courtesy: www.magnuswalker911.com

What’s the best song to listen to while your cruising down the Pacific Coast Highway? You’re gonna love this, I don’t have a single radio in any my cars that work so my favorite sound is the flat six [engine]. I have never been a radio in a Porsche guy. A radio in the Porsche is a distraction, the radio in the wife’s BMW well that’s a different story. Which 911 is your wife’s favorite? Probably the Irish green ’66 that I’ve got. It’s the closest to going back in time. The car is unrestored and mostly all original. It’s got character. Over the years you’ve had many chances to complete your collection and buy the 1973 911, but which time did you get the absolute closest and it was almost a done deal? Well the ’73 part to the story in my film trailer Urban Outlaw was a little bit out of context. My goal initially was to have one of every year from ’64-’73, but once I found the ’64, which was the Holy

affinity to Porsche. Each 911 has its own character. No two are ever the same. The cars that I am dealing with are approaching 45 to 50 years old and they’ve got a lot of stories to tell. It’s becoming my life. Before it was sort of a hobby, now its taking over as my reputation and notoriety grows. The trailer has been viewed over a million times. We haven’t even released the documentary, although it’s finished, and now there is a possibility of a TV show. So what was once just a hobby is really starting to shape the next stage of my life.

Grail, the importance of the ’73 and finishing that particular collection sort of diminished. I could have found the ’73 twenty times over. The ’73 is not that rare of a car, unless you’re talking about an RS Carrera, which also not rare but extremely expensive. So I have owned over 40 911s and I never have had just one of each year. I have between two and five of each year and model. It’s funny, now everyone tries to offer me a ’73, as though I couldn’t find one. Now I’m chasing early Turbos ’75-’77. What was the feeling like the first time you sat behind the wheel? Growing up as a kid in England I never even had a driver’s license. I came to America at 19, but I didn’t buy my first Porsche until 27, that was the ’74 911. To sum it up it was like a dream come true. I was 27 years old; I worked hard and finally bought my first Porsche. It was a bit like a pat yourself on the back overwhelming experience like wow you’ve achieved your first big goal. And of course it’s the sound, the acceleration, it’s the connection between you and the car. So when you first get in it it’s a little bit of a sensory overload because you’ve heard so much about them, you’ve read so much about them and I couldn’t believe I finally had one.

Why was now the right time to tell your story? For me things happen organically. The defining flash moment of now’s the time is hard to describe. [Director Tamir Moscovici] approached me after seeing an article in an English magazine called Total 911 and read about me on a Porsche forum where I have an ongoing thread that has been viewed over 350,000 times, which when you consider that there are only a couple hundred active members it shows that people are going back and looking at what I’m doing in detail. I think it was a gradual buildup, you know, being into Porsches for 20 years and over the past 3-4 years I backed out of doing a lot of track days, but I always had this reputation of being somewhat of a fast street driver and a halfway descent track driver and building all these late 60s early 70s sport purpose cars my reputation was building. It was one of those organic meant to be moments. The timing was right and Tamir, to his credit, took that leap of faith. He can down to L.A. on a handshake and a leap of faith. For me it seemed how bad could it be? What’s the worst that could happen? He comes down for four days and I’m left with some great footage? That was the theory for me. So when it’s all said and done, how do you want to be remembered? Well I think I’ve got many years before I need to think about how I want to be remembered. I never think that far forward, I barely think about what I want to do this week. But I suppose a passionate guy, who was driven and motivated, that was sort of tenacious and kept going and kept chasing his dreams – whatever they may have been and hard working. I always had that take the leap of faith, how bad could it be attitude. That’s how I want to be remembered. Last question sir, which car are you going to drive today? That’s a great question and it all depends on where I’m going. I have four or five cars that I love to drive depending on where I’m going. If it’s an aggressive run through the canyons I take the streetable race car or if I’m just driving up to Home Depot or Starbucks I might take that Irish green ’66. So I not sure which car I will be driving today, but I will be enjoying it.

So today 40 plus 911s later, where is that feeling? I am more passionate than ever! Back then it was just sort of a car that I had always wanted, now 20 years later it’s something that I’m really connected to and it’s engrained in my soul. I have this connection and this Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

AUGUST 8 -14, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 48

reid between the lines

By C. Patterson - cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

Comedian Jay Reid brings the laughs

efore he takes the stage for the Ladies Night Out Tour with Bill Bellamy in Arlington on August 10-12, actor and comedian Jay Reid took center stage with BW and gave us the low down on how he started in the business, what it’s like being on tour, and what he better not find in your closet.

don’ts?” [Laughing] Don’t ever send a naked picture of yourself on Twitter or you’ll be a trending topic.

What’s the biggest misconception about the comedy industry? I think people think that comedy is dead and I don’t believe that. I think that comedy is still alive and that people should go support it a lot more. You have comedians like myself and a lot of others that I work with that work really hard on a daily basis to make people laugh. They get up every day and just focus on how can I brighten somebody else’s day. I think that they should definitely give those type of people more support because we work hard for you guys.

So who did you tell first that you were going to be a comedian? Actually I told a girl that I was dating at the time. I told her first and she kind of encouraged me to get on stage and do it. So if it weren’t for her I probably wouldn’t be a comedian. What was the first time on stage like? I was very nervous and had no confidence at all. I didn’t know how the material would work in front of the crowd because it was a really big crowd that I was performing in front of for the first time. I was just unsure of my material and myself and it showed afterwards.

What’s one thing no man should have in his wardrobe? Skinny jeans and jeggings. UGG boots, I never want to see a man in UGG boots. [Laughing] What’s the next thing that you are working on? I’m working on some movie scripts and I have also been writing some sitcoms. I have the Showtime special coming out in the fall. Wow, I have my own comedy special I’m working on in Las Vegas on the strip. So, I’m doing a lot.

You’ve gone to Iraq and entertained the troops before. What was that experience like? It was an unforgettable, unbelievable experience. I got a chance to actually live like a soldier and see what they go through on a day-to-day basis out there in Iraq and to be able to talk to them was touching. I can’t wait to be able to do it again. What has been the craziest moment you’ve had on the tour so far? [Bill Bellamy and myself] will do a lot of wild stuff. We do stuff like go into jam lounges and I’ll get on the drums and he’ll get on the mic and start singing. We just do a bunch of wild stuff. You’re also really into Twitter and Instagram. What are the “do’s and

there and see if people like it. If it is something that people like and people are talking about I’ll write some jokes for my stand-up on that. I do that sometimes.

Well that may actually be good press. Certain comedians don’t like to give away jokes via Twitter and some actually use it as another medium. What is your stance on that? I think for me if I think of a premise I’ll throw it out

What’s the hardest part of the comedian lifestyle? The traveling is the hardest part. Being away from your family and your friends, the people that are around you that you love. You know sometimes you miss birthdays or special events that they are doing, you miss a lot of that. So if I could get some of that time back I would love it, but this is the life I chose.

geek chic By Ethan Harmon - blackstar4556@gmail.com the summer of valiant

he big comic book companies have been firing on all cylinders this summer, with DC putting Batman through hell in Night of the Owls and Marvel tearing their teams apart in Avengers vs. X-men. The Big Two have received even more attention because of their respective movie releases, completely overshadowing many other independent comics. However, one company has shifted the spotlight in its direction, making comic book fans turn their attention away from the two mainstream giants. This company is Valiant, and it’s back after a long absence. Valiant was huge back in the 90’s. Titles like X-O Manowar and

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Harbinger were just as popular as Green Lantern, selling out in comic stores nationwide and becoming fan favorites. The company was riding high, almost rivaling Marvel and DC in popularity. But the company was sold to Acclaim in the mid-90’s, which proved to be a push in the wrong direction. Acclaim wanted to focus on adapting the protagonists from the books into their video

games, but this came at the cost of the books themselves. The comics were discontinued. Acclaim created titles that pleased many gamers, but ultimately the company fell into a downward spiral and eventually filed for bankruptcy. Valiant’s line was completely lost. It was a long wait, but after acquiring the rights to Valiant and assembling a team, a group of professionals decided to bring the company back. The industry’s top writers and artists came together to bring the once-famous line-up back into the hands of comic readers. After tirelessly working on these projects – and promoting the launch relentlessly – Valiant released its brand new, rebooted universe. X-O Manowar, Harbinger, and Bloodshot debuted with critical success, winning over critics and enthusiasts immediately. The strong writing and superb artwork displayed

in these titles made them instant hits. The amount of praise from readers has branded this summer “the summer of Valiant.” The company is only getting started. Archer and Armstrong and Shadowman will soon be making their way onto stands, while new characters will be making appearances in the latest releases. Valiant, a company which once dominated the industry and was eventually lost and forgotten, has now risen from the ashes – a nerd-fueled phoenix that is back with a vengeance. Fans should pick up these comics and immerse themselves into the unique worlds that have been developed. The creators have big plans for the future, and it looks to be a fun, crazy ride.

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By Aeryn Ripley– @BlitzWeekly

AUGUST 8 - 14, 2012

Courtney Stodden – May be the one of the youngest brides in Hollywood, but that isn’t stopping her marriage from having problems. The 17-year-old just signed on to be a part of VH1’s Couple’s Therapy with her 52-year-old husband actor Doug Hutchison. Marrying someone 35 years older than you, what could go wrong?

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Cuba Gooding Jr. – Knows that it definitely isn’t carnival time in New Orleans. The star was tossed out of a Bourbon Street bar last week by a bartender after getting upset that patrons were snapping photos of him. All charges were dropped, but this became a major PR black eye for a normally squeaky clean actor. Katy Perry – Appears to be officially over ex-husband Russell Brand because the pop sensation was seen canoodling with singer John Mayer. Should these rumors be true it would prove one thing: Mayer can magically pull some of the hottest women on earth including Taylor Swift, Colbie Caillat, Jennifer Aniston, Reena Hammer, Kim Kardashian, Cameron Diaz, Jessica Simpson, Vanessa Carlton, and Holly Williams.

Love, BW

reason for this dependent relationship. The main way to travel between the two areas of the planet is a gravity elevator called “The Fall”. Every day people use this device to travel back and forth to work in the two regions. The main character, Douglas Quaid is played by Colin Farrell. He works in a factory that produces sophisticated robots that have the ability to engage in hand-to-hand combat. The factories are located in the industrialized (and supposedly wealthy) UFB and the workers live in the less affluent Colony. Early in the film, we find out that there is a rebellion underway that is trying to secure independence for the Colony from the UFB. Sound familiar? You’ve probably seen this basic story a dozen times. It is just a futuristic edition of the age-old story of

By Joyce Alexander - @BlitzWeekly colonialism and struggles for independence. If it weren’t for the science fiction angle, this film would be hard to sit through. Total Recall is a confusing movie. It leaves the film goer’s imagination stranded in a sea loose ends and clichés. Collin Farrell is entertaining as the centerpiece action hero but there is no chemistry between him and the two female leads, Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale. These women are little more than karate chopping – kicking boxing Barbie dolls. There is lots of running, chasing, shooting, and jumping with only the thinnest story line holding the whole thing together. In the original Total Recall film, the viewer questioned whether the hero was a spy or was dreaming that he was a spy. This ambiguity was

MovieReview of Total recall I am a fan of science fiction movies but I tend to be skeptical of remakes. I really wanted to like the movie, Total Recall. It is based on a 1990 Paul Verhoeven film of the same name, which starred Arnold Schwarzenegger and is loosely based on a Phillip P. Dick short story. Unfortunately, this Len Wiseman version of the film feels like little more than a long video game advertisement. I was disappointed in this movie. The film takes place in the not so distant future of 2084 where there has been a Third World War that has left the planet with only two habitable areas, each on opposite sides of the world. For some inexplicable reason, the United Federation of Britain (UFB) depends on the people in the “Colony” to run its factories. The moviemakers never explain the

missing from the remake. It never succeeds in persuading the audience to question whether the hero is having a drug-induced hallucination. It really fumbles on this key element of the plot. Now this movie is not a complete waste of time. The overall look of the movie is compelling. Several of the action scenes are good escapist fun. The elevator and hover car chase scenes have the feel of a good high-energy video game. Even some of the technology displayed in the film is pretty cool. I especially like the glowing tattoos and the hand phone. The visual scenery is richly layered and gives the feel of being intricately detailed. These are all good things in a science fiction movie but just not enough to save it.

Dallas Polo Club The Journey to a Better You ~

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AUGUST 8 -14, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 48

gearshift : 2012 mercedes benz GLK 350

By David Goodspeed - dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com Photos Courtesy:Mercedes-Benz

rugged luxury

“

Gleiskreuzung” is the German word I found when translating “crossover,” as in crossover utility vehicle. I don’t know if Mercedes-Benz used that in naming its entry luxury GLK (as they still refer to it as a sport utility vehicle) but I am sure you can see the possibility. Regardless, Mercedes gives its cute ute a major makeover for the 2013 model year (inside and out) that includes some 1,000 new parts. We recently received the 2013 GLK350 and immediately one notices the new corporate face chiseled into the body styling. The new look does, however, give an appearance of an overly tall greenhouse in proportion to the lower box. The GLK is 10 inches shorter than sibling

M-Class Mercedes’ SUVs and competes in a very crowded and popular segment that includes Acura RDX, Lexus RX, and BMW X3, to name a few. The 2013 received a new powertrain with ECO start-stop technology and electromechanical steering as well as a host of state-of-the-art safety and convenience upgrades. This is the sophomore offering of the platform by the automaker who ups the ante by offering 4MATIC all-wheel drive and AMG styling packages for the GLK (of which our tester had both). The 2013’s bold-new styling gives way to a spirited direct-injected driving experience led by a 302hp 3.5-liter V-6 backed by seven-speed

automatic gearbox with Direct Select Shifter, sport mode, and steering wheel-mounted shift paddles. Fuel economy, even with the new technologies, is only good, at 16mpg city and 21mpg highway. Ditching the 4MATIC results in highway mileage rising to 23. If you want better fuel economy out of your GLK wait ‘til next year when the BlueTec Diesel version arrives. For now, sit back and enjoy all of the creature comforts packed into your 2013 GLK350 that can include premium audio system with media interface and satellite radio, panorama sunroof, 115-volt power outlet, full leather seating, enhanced voice control, COMAND infotainment technology with hard drive navigation system, rearview camera, comfort headrests, power liftgate, AMG styling with 20-inch alloy wheels, aluminum roof rails, brushed aluminum running boards, tilt and telescopic steering column, and rear cargo cover. Driver assistance technologies standard on GLK now include Attention Assist, Blind Spot Assist, Lane Keeping Assist, Adaptvie Highbeam Assist, Disctronic Plus adaptive cruise control with PreSafe Brake, Parktronic, and Active Parking Assist.

Tombox These retro-esque speakers are made from reused discarded loudspeakers. They have a built-in rechargeable battery that can keep you rocking for up to two weeks. The stylish finishes include an oversized thumb knob and a 3.5mm cable and plug. ($230)

Stampd’ LA USB Drive Show the world that you pity the fool that thinks we are in a recession with the Stampd’ LA gold USB drive. Although it’s not made of the Fort Knox floorboards it sure looks like it and this baby is six times the cost of those standard USB drives. At least we know what Mitt Romney carries his files on. #Ballin ($30)

The Controller Shop Why should bowlers be the only ones that can have custom tools? The Controller Shop makes custom Xbox 360 and PS3 controller customizations ranging from modified thumb sticks and buttons to sweet paint jobs and they also come in a case that’s way cooler than a bowling ball bag. (Price varies)

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Underpinning the 2013 GLK350 is Mercedes’ Agility Control suspension system with selective damping that allows drivers to tailor the vehicle’s response to road conditions to their liking. My overall driving experience in the new 2013 GLK can be described by the German word for wonderful, “wunderbar,” but fell a bit short of the exhilaration I experienced in the Bimmer X3. And the Mercedes new steering felt more like a balancing act of electromagnets than the connected feeling in the X3. I would recommend the Mercedes to folks who like to surround themselves with the finer things in life while not being reminded of the actual task at hand – in other words, the X3 is for driving purists while the GLK is for everyone else. Pricing for the 2013 GLK350 begins at just over 39 grand with our absolutely loaded tester coming in at $53,835. One thing I did find a bit odd was that while most gauges were converted for U.S., the coolant temperature gauge was still in metric. And if I had to ask for one thing not found on our tester it would be ventilated seats. The dark leather was a bear in the 100-plus temps we have seen lately.

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Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: Why are hangovers better than women? A: Hangovers will go away. Q: What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats? A: Bisexual. Blowing Chunks Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early

AUGUST 8 - 14, 2012

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.” The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!” The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!” The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”

Blitz Funnys

morning hours and went home their separate ways.

PLANNING HIS CANINE CUISINE? About 3 a.m., August 1, 2011, a woman in Moon Township, Pennsylvania, called 911 to report a man had broken into her apartment and stolen a potato peeler and a kitchen knife from her dishwasher, before taking her small dog. Police found 24-year-old Garrett Stauber sitting on a couch in a friend’s apartment, drunk and shirtless. (Hope he hadn’t eaten already?) YOUR CAT’S REFILL? Warsaw, Poland Associated Press top quality, pure,

Slowinski National Park is so light and pure it easily blows away, continually covering the town of Leba’s picturesque port. Desperate, local leaders are offering free sand worldwide. (A tourist-attracting publicity stunt, maybe?) NO CRYSTAL BALL REQUIRED Chance Bothe, 21, a Victoria, Texas college student, predicted the future on January 24, 2012, “accidently.” Driving down a familiar road, Bothe, using his cell phone, texted a friend, “I need to quit texting, because I could die in a car accident.” He was half right. He did drive his car off the road into a ravine, but wound up in a hospital, fighting for his life.

BOX NEEDS A – July 2012, the reported the very light sand covering

Leo July 23 – August 22 Here’s the good news birthday kid: Your life will go on as usual for seven more uneventful days.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Due to scheduling technical difficulties, Scorpio will be unable to provide you with a future this week.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 The stars recommend that this Saturday at 2:37pm you should turn around and see what is careening towards you.

Taurus April 20 – May 20 Your broken Chinese will provide you with a dinner that strangely tastes like chicken.

Virgo August 23 – September 22 You will make romantic history this week when the hooker you’ve been seeing dies of a massive heroin overdose.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 You will receive an offer from a beautiful woman to make dinner for you, whatever you do; don’t get your hopes up.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 Despite years of anxiety and worry, you’ll have no problem creating the Hoppity Horse of your dreams.

Gemini May 21 – June 21 Your personal video of the Olympic Sex Games in London will be leaked out to the masses. Laughter ensues.

Aries March 21 – April 19 In all the uncertain and ever-changing cosmos, this is the one and only eternal and unassailable truth: You sure as hell ain’t no Brad Pitt.

Cancer June 22 – July 22 Another sloppy, unsatisfying night of sodomy will finally convince you that the Cockpit is a bad place to meet dates.

Libra September 23 – October 22 You’ve finally decided to stop caring what others think and “tell all” to the jury about what really happened to the bodies of those dead nurses.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Your current girlfriend will leave you this week for a man who has a much nicer car bra.

ACROSS 1. A type of carpet 5. Surplus 10. Poems 14. Happy cat sound 15. Of lesser importance 16. Ground forces 17. Dogfish 18. Chanting 20. Sequin 22. Souvenir 23. Fitting 24. Annoyed 25. Relationships with pals 32. Site 33. High, low and neap 34. A lower limb 37. Affirm 38. Craze 39. Mother 40. What we sleep on 41. Very slow in tempo 42. Puke

43. Excessive in behavior 45. Glossiness 49. Consumed food 50. Performance 53. A state policeofficer 57. Enteric 59. Sheltered spot 60. Male deer 61. Alpha’s opposite 62. Historical periods 63. Lacquered metalware 64. Fall guy 65. Lease

DOWN 1. Resorts 2. Something that bulgesout 3. Operatic solo 4. Magnificence 5. Grinned 6. A coniferous tree 7. Picnic insect 8. Space 9. Sea eagle 10. Cowboy movie 11. Beverage 12. Overact 13. Church council 19. Awry 21. Weapons 25. Flaccid body fat 26. Wander 27. Chilled 28. Begin 29. Door part 30. Manner of speaking 31. A leguminousplant

34. Tibetan monk 35. Send forth 36. Way in 38. Adult male 39. Furthermore 41. Enumerates 42. Quash 44. Exploit successfully 45. Grain to be ground 46. Slowly, in music 47. In base 8 48. Blockade 51. At the peak of 52. City in Peru 53. Labels 54. Cut back 55. Distinctive flair 56. A musical pause 58. Mesh

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The CLOSER

The

AnsweR GUY with Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur, How come that before I met my wife she was the first woman to even seem remotely interested in me in five years and now that I am married it seems like I get phone numbers written on napkins, hit on in elevators, and virtual eye sex while walking down hallways? It doesn’t seem fair. Signed, Ring of Death Recipient

Delos Vodka because it’s that smooth handcrafted small batch taste that can only come from Texas. Order a Vodka Stinger for yourself: 1 and 1/2 oz Delos & 3/4 white crème de menthe And a Clockwork Oranje for her: 1 and 1/2 oz Delos, 3/4 oz fresh lemon juice, 1 oz white crème de cacao & an orange wedge And remember whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.

The Answer Guy thinks that you’re old enough to learn the horrible truth: LIFE ISN’T FAIR! There is a huge difference within your persona now and five years ago. You may now roam the earth dripping of swagger as if you were in a body spray commercial where women willingly throw themselves at you like roses. However, before you traded in your Clark Kent glasses for your Superman cape you were simply a regular guy like the rest of us until you met your wife! All credit for your transformation is given to her. Women tend to know how to mold guys like clay and make us more desirable both physically and mentally. Some ladies fear that the worse thing in the world is a guy who thinks he’s “pretty!” Why? Because a lot of guys can’t handle the added responsibility that comes with being “man candy” within the eyes of the ladies; especially if you’re in a relationship! I see so many guys go from ashy to classy and hit the club thinking they’re Brad Pitt only to end up going astray! Some guys can’t handle the extra attention from women. They were better off being half-ugly within the eyes of other women! This is a sacred secret that some women swear by because it will keep other women away from their man! Do yourself a favor and ignore the advances and the pheromones will nullify themselves!

Conversation with fictional Frenchman Jean-Paul Le Boff We hear French women don’t shave? Le nonsense. French women shave every time they bath every three weeks. Tell us about the topless beaches The Côte d’Azur is so beautiful. The beautiful women walk around on the beach in ze buff and eat fancy cheese. You like cheese, no? Do all French people hate Americans? Of course not monème. The French love the Americans despite the fact that you all are the vile wretched descendants of tyrants and smell of dog water, Viva la Republique! There’s a nasty rumor going around that the French are rude. Care to clear up that misconception? Whoever said that can pleasure themselves repeatedly with a handful of thumb tacs. Why is your language considered to be romantic. Ever heard the girls of Jersey Shore talk? Now there’s a romantic language. My friend we have the language of love because the mere sound of our voice in the backdrop of Paree can produce orgasms unlike Germany, which sounds like someone giving le Heimlich Maneuver, no? How many berets do you personally own? Twenty three and I only wear them when I eat croissants. Did you guys really invent French fries? But of course. Are you sure because Wikipedia says they come from Belgium? Well we invented the Belgians and their waffles. You do not frighten us with your Wikipedia you pig dogs and sons of silly persons. Um ok… Your mother reeks of Pepe Le Pew

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