Blitz Weekly

Holy #@%! *It’s The BLITZIES!

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SEptEmbEr 12 - 18, 2012

VISIt US OnLInE at www.bLItzwEEkLy.cOm

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1

SEptEmbEr 12 - 18, 2012

n OD eck

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By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

SPORTS NeWS On Deck 3 Out of left Field 4 Jerry’s World 5 Big 12 Preview 6 SeC Preview 6 SMu Preview 6 uNT Preview 6 COVeR STORY editor’s Preface 7 The Blitzies: Food 8 - 11 The Blitzies: Sports 13 - 14 The Blitzies: Culture 16 BLITZ eNTeRTAINMeNT Vasilena 12 hunting Tiger 18 Bobby Valentine 20 Nhl lockout 20 BLITZ FUNNYS Jokes/horrorscopes/Weird News 21 The CLOSeR Pocketful of Peens 22 The Answer Girl 22

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Creative Director Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee/Darryl Briggs Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Ethan Harmon, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller Contributing Photographers

Keith Allison, Quoc Cong, Joseph Dowling, Alien Hockey, Matthew Lynch, James D. Smith Contributing Writers Arthur Bellfield, Jay Betsill, Stephen Evans, C.J. Gardner, Jan Hubbard, Martin Iheke, Posie Pockets

CONTACT US PHONE: 214-529-7370 • FAX: 972-960-8618 EMAIL: info@blitzweekly.com

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

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The Goodell, the Saints and the Refs

ust a few days after Labor Day, it seemed the NFL Players Association declared victory as the arbitration panel lifted the bans that prohibited four New Orleans Saints players from starting the season. It all felt like a masterful strike against Commissioner Roger Goodell and his legacy of harsh discipline. But although the appeal was won, this is really just a deliberation rather than a declaration of innocence.

Basically, the panel decided that the Commissioner must submit evidence showing that the players’ actions proved detrimental to the league under Article 46 of the Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA). And who decides what is detrimental to the league?

Why Commissioner Roger Goodell, of course!

Even in the face of the authoritarian system, the CBA has the right to petition and appeal its way to a fair shot. But because of past dealings this case is no longer just about the conduct of the Saints organization, it is building into a war between the egocentric league and the players that feel mistreated.

During the offseason we witnessed how the league’s tough negotiations with the referee lockout looked eerily similar to the ones used in the player lockout. The refs have gone from being invisible, to stepping into the spotlight to showcase their lackluster conditions and the frugalness of the owners. And although the scabs are doing their best, as this lockout drags on the issues will plague the season.

The fresh reminder of the leagues tactics mixed with this scandal will definitely make for a contentious season as future fines and suspensions are handed down.

And honestly, this is all a product of that hasty CBA from last year.

The union signed an unwise deal to get players back on the field while simultaneously losing basic protections and allowing Goodell to maintain his unchecked reign.

It’s a wonder that the league even continues as it does, because the justice system has repeatedly ruled against them and in support of the players.

With the latest headlines over safety, it seems even the public is shifting it’s views of Goodell.

Everyone can agree that there must be more done to protect the short and long term health of participants. But last Thursday, the NFL moved to dismiss lawsuits about permanent brain injuries from thousands of former players.

The statement referred to the issue as a “labor

dispute.”Goodell was smart enough to write the rules about it and used his power to sanction them, but now he’s willfully disregarding them.

Wouldn’t it be nice to start a season without talks of lockouts and arbitration? I’m excited the season has started and it was great to see my Cowboys start strong, but I’m afraid it won’t last.

Maybe a scab ref will make a devastating call or a player will get too intense and take a cheap shot after the whistle, but somehow…someway…

Goodell is going to push his luck and overstep the bounds of what a good commissioner should be.

uncle walter on Angry Birds

“Angry Birds”?

Take away my malt liqour, try pissed-off Walter!

FOLLOw bLItz wEEkLy On twIttEr and FacEbOOk

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SEptEmbEr 12 - 18, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1 Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

UPCOMING SCheDULe: 9/12 INDIANS 7:05 P.M. 9/13 INDIANS 7:05 P.M. 9/14 MARINERS 7:05 P.M. 9/15 MARINERS 7:05 P.M. 9/16 MARINERS 2:05 P.M. 9/18 @ANGELS 9:05 P.M.

By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com

another week atop the league

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hanks to the overall hitting of Adrian Beltre, Josh Hamilton and Michael Young, the timely bat of Jurickson Profar, and excellent starting pitching by Yu Darvish and Ryan Dempster, the Texas Rangers remained the best team in the American League.

The team went 4-3 last week at Kansas City and Tampa Bay to complete a 6-4 road trip that give them an 83-57 record four games better than the New York Yankees. But the Rangers’ lead in the A.L. West division just barely grew. While the Oakland Athletics were swept by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, they swept the Seattle Mariners last weekend to enter this week 3.5 games behind the Rangers. The Angels, winners of six straight, were just six games back.

Beltre continued his season-long success with a .300 average, four home runs and six runs batted in last week. Hamilton added four HRs and seven RBI while Young had three homers and seven RBI. Hamilton’s blasts gave him a career-high 40 for the season.

Darvish gave up only three hits in seven innings walking one batter and striking out six in an 8-4 win Monday over Kansas City. Saturday night, he yielded just two hits in eight innings, walking two and striking out eight in a game the Rangers won 4-2 in 10 innings thanks to Profar’s runscoring double.

It marked the second start for the 19-year-old rookie infielder and second time he shined. In his September 2 debut, he became the first Ranger with a home run in his first at-bat and added a double.

“When you’re talking about Profar, he’s special,” Texas manager Ron Washington told mlb.com.

“The game does not scare him. I keep saying it – it doesn’t scare him.”

Dempster handcuffed the Royals through six innings last Wednesday allowing just two runs

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and four hits while walking one and striking out eight. The Rangers held on for a 7-6 victory.

Texas also took Thursday night’s game 5-4 to win its sixth consecutive series and ninth out of 10. That streak ended Sunday when after splitting the first two with the Rays, the Rangers lost a 6-0 decision Sunday with just two hits against James Shields. “We’re playing well. Today wasn’t our day,” Young said. “We battled hard over the last three or four games. Today definitely wasn’t our day, but we’ve been battling hard, playing hard.”

First indians, then the West Texas must continue to play hard when it starts a three-game series at home against the Cleveland Indians on Tuesday. It will be the final set against anyone outside the A.L. West as the Rangers resume inter-divisional play Friday at home against Seattle before hitting the road against the Angels and Mariners.

The final 19 games for Texas will be against division rivals including six against Seattle, six with the Angels and seven with the A’s. In fact, following an off day next next Monday, the Rangers are scheduled to play on 16 consecutive days, a stretch that will determine their postseason fate.

Cleveland will want to atone for dropping two of three at home to Texas to start September. The Indians ended last week with a 59-81 record after losing two of three at Minnesota.

The Mariners, who had played well before last weekend, fell to 67-74 after losing three at home against Oakland. Texas holds a 7-6 season edge.

Seattle most likely will be the opponent when the Rangers host their 3 millionth fan for the first time in their history. They entered the homestand at 2,896,275.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1

SEptEmbEr 12 - 18, 2012

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Photo Courtesy: James D. Smith

Dallas Polo Club

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By Jay Betsill – @thefamousjay

Cowboys look to continue winning ways

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he Dallas Cowboys opened the season with an impressive 24-17 win on the road at the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants on the first Wednesday night NFL game since 1948. The Cowboys made their share of sloppy mistakes, but the play of new cornerbacks Brandon Carr and Morris Claiborne gave the pass rush time to get serious pressure on Giants quarterback Eli Manning, which helped set the tone for the game on defense. Meanwhile, Tony Romo had running back DeMarco Murray (20 carries, 131 yards) back in his arsenal after last season’s season-ending ankle injury and took advantage of the Giants depleted secondary by finding Kevin Ogletree eight times for 114 yards and two touchdowns.

“This was a very significant win for our franchise,” Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said. “We made a lot of mistakes against a good team that might, should have beaten us. But they didn’t, because this bunch persevered and stayed the course.”

Up next for the Cowboys is a trip to CenturyLink Field in Seattle to battle the Seahawks. This game was originally circled by many fans because it was to be the Cowboys first meeting with Terrell Owens since his departure from Dallas (Seattle released Owens during training camp on August 26). However, following Dallas’ win over the Giants and the ensuing victories by the Washington Redskins and Philadelphia Eagles, the game has added importance.

The Seahawks are coming off a 20-16 loss to the Arizona Cardinals which, due to a refereeing snafu, saw them get an extra timeout inside the red zone during crunch time only to watch rookie quarterback Russell Wilson’s touchdown pass attempt to wide receiver Braylon Edwards come up incomplete. Wilson was 18-for-34 passing for 153 yards and one touchdown in the Seahawks sixth consecutive road loss opener. Ironically, it was Edwards who the Seahawks chose to keep on its roster when they cut Owens.

Seattle knocked the Cardinals starting quarterback out of the game as he was carted off the field with an injured ankle only to watch back-up QB Kevin Kolb come off the bench and lead Arizona on its winning touchdown drive, throwing six yards to Andre Roberts for the score

with 4:59 remaining in the contest.

Look for DeMarcus Ware, who crossed the 100sack milestone against the Giants, to cause havoc for the Seahawks’ rookie quarterback if the corners continue their stellar play from opening week. However, the key will likely be shutting down running back Marshawn Lynch as the Seahawks are built around its running game and defense. The offensive line will feature Ryan Cook starting at center in place of the injured Phil Costa as it looks to contain pass rusher Chris Clemons while Romo deals with two of the league’s tallest cornerbacks, 6-foot-4 Brandon Browner and 6-3 Richard Sherman.

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Former Cowboys Wide Receiver Roy Williams Retires “My time in the NFL is over, had a great time, ups and downs, met soooo many ppl, fans, and friends,” Williams wrote on his Facebook page. “... But now it’s time for me to have my family time that I’ve missed for the last 9yrs, spending it with (children) Jordan and Dallas and the ppl who love me, so I will never strap it up again (even tho i can still play), but at the same time I’m ready to give that dream up.”

Many Cowboys fans will chalk the deal that saw Dallas give Detroit first and third-round picks to acquire Roy Williams, the former Texas Longhorn star receiver at the 2008 trade deadline and immediately sign him to a six-year, $54 million contract extension as the worst trade in the history of the franchise. Others can make a legitimate case for the trade with Seattle that brought Joey Galloway to town being the all-time dog. The Cowboys gave up first-round picks in 2000 and 2001 to obtain Galloway’s services. Dallas also gave Galloway a $12 million signing bonus, which was significant given that the team was in salary cap hell at the time. As long as there are Dallas Cowboys fans, this debate will continue to linger.

“Came into the league healthy, and im walking away healthy, with my head held high,” Williams wrote on Facebook. “Thank you all who’ve cheered for me, booed me, and loved me, y’all are still fans to me!”

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SEptEmbEr 12 - 18, 2012

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1

MU 12 S SEC Bigame Mustangs Game of the week of the week

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By Frank LaCosta – flacosta@blitzweekly.com

By Stephen Evans – comments@blitzweekly.com

Pride on the Line

Gators, Vols Look to Control SEC East

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fter watching SEC newcomers Missouri and Texas A&M fail in their new conference openers the nation gets the opportunity to see another Big 12 / SEC match up when the Texas Longhorns take on the Ole Miss Rebels. Conference pride is on the line and with it bragging rights. Look for a low scoring affair between the two undefeated teams.

The Longhorns under Mack Brown appointed QB David Ash have an offense that emphasizes the run game first. Handling these duties is the three-headed beast of Joe Bergeron, Malcolm Brown and Jonathan Gray. Bergeron is clearly the workhorse with Brown and Gray being the speedsters. WR Daje Johnson had a productive outing against New Mexico and is emerging as a quality third wideout. However Ash’s favorite targets are still Jaxon Shipley and Mike Davis. A strength of this Texas team is the offensive line as they continue to open holes for the running game and provide quality protection for Ash. This is a must while the team is on the road taking on the Rebels.

The Longhorn defense improved over its season opening performance with a shut out of New Mexico. The line continues to do its part while the secondary is considered one of the best in the country. The linebacking corps will have its hands full trying to contain the Rebel running game. Ole Miss will be the first true quality opponent that Texas will face. On the road in a hostile environment will truly test this team.

That being said, Ole Miss isn’t a cream puff.

They’ve had a fairly easily schedule taking on Central Arkansas and UTEP at home. QB Bo Wallace is a quality dual threat weapon. He’s completed 35 of 46 attempts for five TDs. He’s

Photo Courtesy:Matthew Lynch

also gained 135 yards on the ground with a pair of TDs. Look for him to hand the ball off to Randall Mackey and Jeff Scott to keep the Texas defense honest. WRs Donte Moncrief and Korvic Neat are Wallace’s favorite targets with some speed. Keep an eye on Moncrief as he could be a difference maker in this one. The Rebel defense does give up points so a bend but don’t break philosophy will be needed.

Game info: #14 TeXAS vs. Ole MiSS SAT. SePT. 15 – 8:15PM / eSPN VAuGhT-heMiNGWAY STADiuM

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he third weekend of September is typically a light week for intra-conference games in the SEC, and this weekend is no different. In fact, there are only two games that feature SEC clashes – Alabama at Arkansas and Florida at Tennessee.

And since Arkansas embarrassed itself and the entire conference last weekend falling to Louisiana-Monroe, the Hogs, likely without starting quarterback Tyler Wilson, deserve to get what’s coming to them from Bama.

The Florida-Tennessee match-up, on the other hand, is a compelling one. Both teams are trying to rebound from disappointing seasons and are attempting to pull themselves up by the bootstraps after falling from the lofty perch upon which they once sat when they ruled the conference. Neither team was expected to truly challenge for the SEC Eastern Division title in 2012, but both have shown flashes of improvement early on.

Florida enters the game fresh off of an impressive victory over SEC newcomer Texas

Photo Courtesy: Tennessee Journalist

A&M. The young Gators went into a hostile environment, quickly fell behind by double digits, and maintained their poise and composure enough to orchestrate a comefrom-behind 20-17 win over the favored Aggies. In the contest Florida brandished a feisty defense that allowed just 65 yards in the second half, forcing A&M to punt on each of its six second-half possessions.

That defense will be tested by a Tennessee offense, which features a number of formidable weapons, including QB Tyler Bray, who is fifth in the country in passing efficiency (194.77 rating). And receiver Justin Hunter is showing no ill-effects from a season-ending knee injury he suffered in 2011. Hunter has returned to his Freshman All-American status, ranking first in the SEC with 8.5 receptions per game and second in the conference with 109.5 receiving yards per game.

While no one will mistake this for Phil Fulmer’s Vols against Steve Spurrier’s Gators, this early-season tilt will put one of these teams in the driver’s seat to challenge the Georgia Bulldogs and the South Carolina Gamecocks in the SEC East. And make no mistake, with the struggles these two proud programs have had in recent years, that is certainly progress.

Game info: #18 FlORiDA vs. #23 TeNNeSSee SAT. SePT. 15 – 5PM / eSPN NeYlAND STADiuM

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By C. Patterson – cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

Brick by Brick

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ow that the Mustangs were able to shake off week one’s loss to Baylor by unleashing a 52-0 Daniel-san flying crane kick to Stephen F. Austin last week, they can take on a much tougher foe with a bit more confidence. The Aggies will be stepping into Gerald Ford Stadium fresh off of a heartbreaking loss to the Florida Gators that saw a solid performance from their QB Johnny Manziel with him going 23/30 and 173 passing yards.

The new SEC arrivals pretty much outmatch the Mustangs in every aspect of the game. Luckily for SMU, games aren’t won on paper.

Should the Mustangs show up firing on all cylinders and not just accept their fate of being a lesser team The Corral may just have one heck of a celebration on their hands come Saturday night. Junior QB Garrett Gilbert must ignore the naysayers and continue to perform and inspire production from rushing phenom Zach Line and wide out Keenan Holman, who took home 88yards and a touchdown off of five receptions against Stephen F. Austin.

Defensively the Mustangs shutout the Lumberjacks, but this week they will face a much more agile and capable offense in Texas A&M. The Aggies are going to look to exploit the defense that Baylor surgically picked apart. The elder statesmen of the Mustangs defense DBs Kenneth Acker and Ryan Smith must patrol the airways and force the Aggies to beat them on the ground where they had little success against the Gators. In fact A&M’s leading rusher was their quarterback, Manziel. Protect the skies and derailing their ground game should come with relative ease.

Can the Mustangs beat the Aggies? Only if they believe they can. June Jones’ brick-by-

Photo Courtesy: Joseph Dowling

brick rebuilding of this program can continue as scheduled or it can have an entire section knocked out of it by a team that may just finish next to last in their new conference. A&M has no doubt on whether or not they are better athletes than SMU, whether or not they have a stronger and purer pedigree, or whether or not the logo that sits on both sides of their maroon helmets strikes fear in the hearts of their would-be opponents. That is of certainty and is of no question. The question is whether or not anyone has told the Mustangs.

Game info: Texas A&M vs. SMu SAT. SePT. 15 - 2:30PM /FSN GeRAlD FORD STADiuM

Texas Northean Green

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Frank LaCosta – flacosta@blitzweekly.com

Wildcats on the Prowl

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resh off their home opener victory at Apogee Stadium, the Mean Green have a formidable opponent on the road against the Kansas State Wildcats this week. Evening their season record to 1-1 was relatively easy for North Texas this past Saturday. By halftime the team had a 17-0 lead and put up another 17 to win 34-7 against the Texas Southern Tigers. The Mean Green moved up and down the field with efficiency and maximized their red zone opportunities scoring six out of seven times.

All of the touchdowns were the product of the rushing attack and kicker Zach Olen tacked on a pair of field goals.

North Texas now possesses a dual threat from the backfield in running backs Brandin Byrd and Antoinne Jimmerson. Together against the Tigers they put up 275 yards rushing on the ground on 39 carries. Jimmerson in particular stood out as a speedster who is a nice change of pace back. Byrd who is penciled in as the replacement to Lance

Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

Dunbar still has his work cutout. QB Derek Thompson was average against a subpar TSU defense completing 11 of 24 attempts for 145 yards and an interception. Thompson must perform better against Kansas State or it will be a long day for the team. While top receiver Brelan Chancellor did not record any catches against the Tigers he did contribute with a carry for 46 yards. Christopher Bynes led the team with three receptions for 54 yards. While the offense performed well enough to beat Texas Southern they will need to improve significantly on the road this week. The North Texas defense faces the same dilemma.

The Wildcats are led by QB Collin Klein who is continuing to mature as a dual threat under center. Against the Hurricanes he managed to score three times on the ground while racking up 71 yards. He also was extremely accurate passing the ball when needed completing 9 of 11 passes for 210 yards and a touchdown. The lone blemish was an interception. RB John Hubert rushed for over 100 yards and had a TD. Look for this combo to thrash the North Texas defense at home to remain undefeated.

Game info: uNT vs. #15 KANSAS STATe SAT. SePT. 15 – 6PM / FSN Bill SNYDeR STADiuM

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1

SEptEmbEr 12 - 18, 2012

Letter From The Editor

Thank you Steven you wore that tiara with pride and cl ass

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ore often then not, when I show a friend, family member or random coffee shop patron a copy of Blitz Weekly for the first time, I get a reaction that is closely akin to “So you get to look at girls and football all day…must be nice.” Well I guess if you look at it that way, it is.

In celebration of how awesome this job is, a year ago the director of YK Publishing and I sat down and decided that we needed to have an awards issue that captures the hearts of our readers without riding the velvet coattails of our long established predecessors. We wanted a “Best of” that was more than a “Best of”, we wanted an awards issue that would be the King Kong of the Metroplex and climb atop Bank of America Plaza and swat down all would-be pretenders.

Our awards had to be more than words; it had to have a face. But what face is strong enough, bold enough to be a beacon to our great metropolis?

A Gruffalo? Too magical. Some sort of winged mustang with its forelegs reaching towards the heavens? I don’t know where but I think I’ve seen that before. Then it finally came to us as we sat legs crossed in front of that shaman in that smoked out tepee…a loan Spartan king with his xiphos in hand in a position of total and undeniable victory.

Yes, all of the Metroplex shall follow the golden example of our Lacedaemon brethren and we shall call him the Blitzie and many shall be his years.

We then got about the task of deciding how to award the Blitzie to its rightful caretakers. Long did we ponder and upon our descent from the Everest and meeting in Ladakh for a quick prayer we knew what must be done. It was like a voice crying out from the center of the universe “Let my people

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vote!” Who are we to argue with the universe?

But what about our own choices, shouldn’t our selections as a publication come first and the will of the people sit as one small line at the bottom of our descriptions? No! The people’s choice must top all others. But such a way has never been done. If we continue on this path we may disrupt the entire fabric of Dallas awards. So we had to not so delicious think.

At last after eating Doritos Locos Tacos and text messaging Tony Robbins while standing on hot coals we came to decision that we must give a voice to the people. Too long have their wants sat as a blurb on pages. So we took to the streets and gathered the wants of the common man and woman, painstakingly counting one nomination at a time until we had compiled a list of whom they had chosen as the best that the city had to offer.

Then we turned to the invention of our brother Al Gore (wink-wink) and told the people to vote. Vote early and vote often. Show us who are the masters of your domain. And vote they did.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, chickens, ducks, and things living in rest stop bathrooms… we present to you the 2012 Blitzies. Enjoy.

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Veritas et High-Fives, C. Patterson

FOLLOw bLItz wEEkLy On twIttEr and FacEbOOk

Holy #&%! *It’s The

BLITZIES!

Food!

Papas Fritas Mejor!

(Best French Fries) Snuffer’s Restaurant & Bar www.snuffers.com Multiple Locations We can tell no lie; Snuffer’s has the best fries. These aren’t just any fries. They are covered in a cheesy paradise. Home of “The VISIt US OnLInE at www.bLItzwEEkLy.cOm

Sushi Rolls of Gold (Best Sushi) Deep Sushi www.deepsushi.com (214) 651-1177 The Deep Ellum “roll” Mecca was founded way way way back in the smartphone dark ages of 1996. In between making some of the city’s best sushi and shooing away those pesky Deep Ellum mohawked vagrants they managed to pick op their first shiny gold Spartan. Here’s to Deep Sushi, they’re rawest of the raw!

Blitz Pick: Sushi on McKinney

Great Wall of Chow Down (Best Chinese Restaurant) Royal China www.royalchinadallas.com (214) 361-1771 It’s only fitting that Royal China is named as the crown jewel of Chinese cuisine in the Metroplex. The undisputed kings of the chopsticks have the vote of the people and take home the gold guy for 2012. Our fortune cookie says you’ll love it.

Blitz Pick: A Wok

Where’s the Beef?

(Best Burger) Jake’s Uptown www.jakesuptown.co www.jakesuptown.com (214) 754-8001 Another award heads to the wall for the DFW legend. Jake’s took home the Blitzie with their old fashioned goodness that keeps SMUers and hipsters mouths watering for more. Their classic and perfectly constructed cheeseburger consisting of two beef patties, your choice of toppings, double American cheese, encased in the in the ultimate shrine of burger bliss known as the poppy seed bun was simply too much for the other competitors to handle. Long live the king.

Blitz Pick: Burger house

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1

Thai’d of the Same Old Thing (Best Thai Food) Royal Thai www.royalthaitexas.com (214) 691-3555 The Greenville Avenue Thai connection has been winning awards for years so it should come as no surprise that they are taking home their first Blitzie. Funny, everyone at the office thought this category would end in a Thai.

Blitz Pick: Thai Tanee

SEptEmbEr 12 - 18, 2012

Gimme Sum Mo (Best Dim Sum) Kirin Court www.kirincourt.com (214) 575-8888 Voted the best dim sum without having to renew your passport, Kirin Court is one serious taste experience. Their fresh food, good service, and awesome brunch was enough to put them over the top and place them in the top spot for DFW Dim Sum. Blitz Pick: Kirin Court

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Original” Cheddar Fries, Snuffer’s knows that their customers love the cheddar fries so much that they actually have a Cheddar Fries Burger.

Since 1978 they have been melting aged cheddar cheese over hand cut Idaho potato fries. That’s probably why they’re so good at it.

Blitz Pick: Snuffer’s Restaurant & Bar

The self-described “Cinderella story” is at last getting its glass slipper, the Blitzie. Fuzzy’s gives the people what they want, tacos, tacos, and more tacos. Whether they ate fish, shrimp, garlic shredded beef, chicken, pork, or veggie – as long as they aren’t actually fuzzy – people love ‘em.

Blitz Pick: Torchy’s Tacos

They Ain’t Just Wingin’ It (Best Wings) Angry Dog www.angrydog.com (214) 741-4406 They’ve won “Best Wings” from the Dallas Observer in 1992, from D Magazine in 2000, and now in 2012 they have finally won the honor from a publication of note! Angry Dog serves a staggering amount of their wings (especially during football season). So in honor of their first Blitzie, we wish to change their name from the Angry Dog to the Angry Bird. Congrats.

Blitz Pick: Angry Dog

Gimme Shellter (Best Seafood) Aw Shucks www.awshucksdallas.com (214) 821-9449 Having the best oysters has finally given given the team at Aw Shucks a pearl and they have a golden Spartan high-five to show for it. Being the “Best Seafood” in DFW isn’t easy with all the competition out here, but after a hard fought battle in the voting Aw Shucks proved they were the catch of the day.

Blitz Pick: Aw Shuck’s

Round of Applause (Best Pizza) Cane Rosso www.iLcanerosso.com (214) 741-1188: Those Neapolitans whether it’s pizza or ice cream, kick ass. We could go into detail and get all “sciency” and stuff about their volcanic sand oven that’s 900-degrees, but you don’t want us to do all that – we would have to put on glasses and a lab coat and bring out the laser pointers and such. So take our word for it. The people of Dallas have spoken and Cane is king.

Blitz Pick: Dough Bros. italian Kitchen Stoner’s Paradise (Best Late Nite Munches) Café Brazil www.cafebrazil.com Multiple Locations The hippie’s came out of the woodworks (in VW vans with magical dragons painted on the side) and stuffed the ballot box on this one and Café Brazil gets to hoist their first Blitzie. Dallas’ favorite late night spot is a haven to after hours partiers, concert goers, and nocturnal foodies of the Metroplex.

Next time you are in the mood for an excellent omelet at 3:27 a.m., they’ve got you covered.

Blitz Pick: Zini’s Pizzeria Arizona’s Governor’s Kryptonite (Best Taco) Fuzzy’s Taco Shop www.fuzzystacoshop.com Multiple Locations

Curry Cuisine (Best Indian Food) Clay Pit www.claypitdallas.com (972) 233-0111 Congrats to the champions of Indian Cuisine in the Metroplex.

The Clay Pit is no stranger to accolades, having awards dating as far back as 2005. But how many awards do they have that have a devilishly handsome grin on its face? The answer is one. Carry your Blitzie with pride.

Blitz Pick: iravat Ye Haw, Me Gusta (Best Tex-Mex) Gloria’s www.gloriasrestaurants.com Multiple Locations The home of the best happy hour in Texas also has the “Best Tex-Mex” in the “Met-Plex.” Gloria’s stood upon the precipice of greatness with this year’s Blitzie in one hand and a Chimichanga in the other shouting from the mountain tops (ok so we know Dallas doesn’t have mountains, use your imagination) , “Yo soy Great!!!!”

Blitz Pick: Desperados Eggcellent (Best Breakfast) Norma’s Café www.normascafe.com Multiple Locations How does one make something as simple as breakfast great? Norma’s Café has the answer. With a Spartan like conquest of the voting polls it’s apparent that Norma’s and her crew can scramble the heck out of some eggs.

When you’re putting the Blitzie up in your restaurant just remember to put him close to the kitchen. Blitzie loves bacon!

Blitz Pick: ham & eggs

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in order for their win. Oh and as for the award being a Spartan we’re sure you understand…no hard feelings right?

Blitz Pick: Stratos Greek Taverna

Now That’s A Sam’ich (Best Sandwich/Po’ Boy) The Big Easy www.bigeasyplano.com (972) 424-5261 Just ask Boudreaux and Thibodeaux where to get the “Best Po’ Boy” in town and they’ll put you on their pirogue and paddle you on down to Plano to Big Easy New Orleans Style Sandwiches. Go on and play some of that there jazz music and celebrate your first Blitzie. Laisse le bon temps rouler.

Blitz Pick: The Big easy Me Man, Me Hungry (Best Steak) Bob’s Steak & Chop House www.bobs-steakandchop.com Multiple Locations Take a bow Bob you’re the best in the land.

Question: what’s short and golden and headed to the best steakhouse in the Metroplex? Your first Blitzie. Enjoy it you preparer of delicious steaks for you are a ruler among men and the people have knighted you. Kneel as Bob, rise as Sir Bob of Steakland…King of the Carnivores.

Blitz Pick: Nick and Sam’s Steakhouse Samba’d Stop Me (Best Brazilian) Fogo de Chão www.fogodechao.com (972) 960-9533 Who knew that the Amazon flowed through Addison? The tastes and soul of Brazil are right in the heart of restaurant row on Belt Line Road.

Fogo de Chão will be showing a little Southern (America) hospitality to their newest residente, el Blitzie. ¡felicidades!

Blitz Pick: Texas de Brazil

It’s All Greek to Me (Best Greek) Kostas Café www.kostascafe.com Multiple Locations The home of hummus and feta showed that they were just a little bit betta and took home an award that they will never forgetta. Kostas Café has been a Greek paradise in DFW for quite some time now and we believe Sygxarhthria are

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took home their first Blitzie. Winning never tasted so good.

Blitz Pick: Pecan lodge

No That’s A Good Meatball (Best Italian) Kenny’s Italian Kitchen www.kennysitalian.com (972) 661-9380 Now there’s good Italian food and then there’s great Italian food, Chef Kenny Bowers prefers the latter.

May your first Blitzie show to all those who enter your restaurant that the pinnacle of Italian cuisine is right where they stand. The people have spoken. Ladies and gentlemen raise your forks in honor of greatness.

Blitz Pick: Kenny’s italian Kitchen MargEATAville (Best Buffet) Fogo de Chão www.fogodechao.com (972) 960-9533 Their Blitzies are becoming as bountiful as their servings. Fogo de Chão takes home their second Blitzie of 2012 for their outstanding buffet. One more and they’ll have the first Blitz Hat Trick.

Brazilian + buffet = Blitzie.

Blitz Pick: Japan house Bayou Boogie (Best Cajun) Corinne’s Catfish & Bakery

www.corinnescatfish.com

(469) 549-4046 Deep fried won the gold prize for this tasty cat(fish)egory. The city took to the ballot boxes for “Best Cajun” like they got free crawfish for doing it and in the end Corinne’s stood victoriously delicious. It goes to show that serving ‘em up golden brown will always get you the golden crown. God save the queen.

Blitz Pick: Bayou Market

The CUEtest Thing We’ve Ever Seen (Best Barbecue) Lockhart’s Smokehouse www.lockhartsmokehouse.com (214) 944-5521 No forks, no sauce, and all winners. Jill Growbowsky’s Lockhart Smokehouse is the Palme d’Or of the Metroplex’s number one resource, BBQ. And when the smoke cleared from one of the closest races in this year’s voting, Lockhart

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As we all know, here in DFW nachos are almost a religion so you can imagine the dogfight it came down to with voting for the “Best Nachos” in DFW. But in the spirit of The Highlander, there can be only one and Chuy’s is that one. Spicy, yummy, and outstanding is there handheld comfort food. The world stands united under one magnificent chip covered in layers of refried beans, gooey cheese, and jalapenos. Reign long Chuy’s and may your reign be mighty.

Blitz Pick: Manny’s uptown Tex-Mex Restaurant

So Brew Me (Best Coffee) Café Brazil www.cafebrazil.com Multiple Locations A good cup is hard to find, that is unless you are sitting at Café Brazil. The up all night spot now has their hands full with their second Blitzie win. You voted and let the world know that at the Café coffee is as important as Kim Kardashian’s camera crew. Real important.

Blitz Pick: BuzzBrews Kitchen

We Love You To Greases (Best Greasy Spoon) Norma’s Café www.normascafe.com Multiple Locations From Mile-High Cream Pie to Texas chicken fried steak Norma’s had the recipe to make the voter’s tummys feel right at home and award them with Blitzie number two. Home cooking gave them the home field advantage and let us know that there’s just something about Norma’s.

Blitz Pick: Melios Bros. Char Bar

Whose Mama? Nacho Mama (Best Nachos) Chuy’s www.chuys.com Multiple Locations

I Haven’t Been Drinking Off Fish Errr (Best Local Beer) Franconia Brewing Company www.franconiabrewing.com (972) 542-0705 Okay, so most of the voters for this category were under the influence but wasn’t that the point?

Standing on the podium to raise their glasses to their first Blitzie is Franconia Brewing Co. We are just amazed that that many drunks could navigate the web to get to the voting section, while still drinking. Hats off to multi-tasking!

Blitz Pick: Deep ellum Brewing Company

I Promise Baby, We Come For The Food (Best Breastaurant) Bone Daddy’s www.bonedaddys.com Multiple Locations Sure they have great barbecue and onion rings, but who are you kidding? We can think of a couple of other good reasons why Bone Daddy’s is going home with their first Blitzie…their Brisket

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Slider Slider Basket and Nana’s pudding. Haha!

You thought we were gonna say breasts and butts! We sure fooled you.

Blitz Pick: Redneck heaven

Bring It To Me Now (Best Delivery) Cowboy Chicken www.cowboychicken.com Multiple Locations Sure you can get Domino’s to bring you a pizza or Bangkok City to bring you a combination platter, but who can bring you a whole rotisserie chicken, three enchiladas, a cowboy taco, and a side of ranchero beans? Cowboy Chicken that’s who and that’s why they earned the top spot for DFW delivery. The people have spoken, so let it be written so let it be done.

Blitz Pick: Zini’s Pizzeria

In The Land of Beer and Honey (Best Beer Special) West End Pub www.westendpubdallas.net (214) 748-5711 Let them drink ‘til they drop and you’re sure to wind up on top! And as soon as they can pick themselves up off the floor West End Pub patrons will be happy to know the place where they drank away little Timmy’s college fund has been awarded its first Blitzie. Next round’s on us!

Blitz Pick: Pokes Bar & Grill

The Coveted Brewasis (Best Beer Selection) The Flying Saucer www.beerknurd.com (972) 991-7093 With more beers on tap than desperate chicks at Poison concerts, the beer knurds at The Flying Saucer were voted into Blitzie history with the Holy Grail of awards, the “Best Beer Selection.” In the words of The Most Interesting Man in the World, “I don’t always drink myself into the fetal position, but when I do, I drink at The Flying Saucer.”

Blitz Pick: The Ginger Man

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#&%! *

It’s The

BLITZIES!

Sports!

Time to Cowboy Up (Best Cowboy) Tony Romo The readers spoke loud and clear when they voted and Tony Romo is the man. The great helmsman leads America’s Team and at times is responsible for the final outcome.

The new daddy delivered a victory for the season opener and for now has us looking forward to the playoffs. It is clear he has matured both on and off the field.

Blitz Pick: Jason Witten Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs FOLLOw bLItz wEEkLy On twIttEr and FacEbOOk

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September 12 - 18, 2012

The Iceman Cometh (Best Star) Brenden Morrow Drafted by the Dallas Stars in 1997 with the 25th overall pick Morrow in many ways is now the face of the organization. He proudly wears a “C” on his chest and has played through injuries to lead the team. He has a knack for delivering the goods when needed. In addition to his various gold medals he can now proudly display his first Blitzie in his trophy case.

Blitz Pick: Brenden Morrow Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

Hambone (Best Ranger) Josh Hamilton A great nickname for the man who seems to always put the team on his back when needed most. Rangers fans watch the amazing outfielder make great plays with his glove, arm and bat on a consistent basis. Josh stroked four homers back on May 8th and set an AL record with 18 total bases in a game. He has our hearts and our attention.

Blitz Pick: Michael Young

German Engineering (Best Maverick) Dirk Nowitzki What? You think it would’ve been someone else?

Dirk is the Dallas Mavericks. He has led the team to the playoffs for 12 consecutive years, the NBA Finals twice, 11-time All-Star, recipient of the NBA MVP Award, NBA Champion, NBA Finals MVP and now has his first Blitzie. The Ghostface Drillah is the ultimate Maverick.

Blitz Pick: Dirk Nowitzki

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The Talking Heads (Best Local Sports Radio Talk Show) Gavin and Chris You can hear the melodic voices of The G-Bag General (Gavin Dawson) and co-host Chris Arnold on 105.3 The Fan starting at 7pm. They spout their opinions on a variety of topics ranging from the day’s sporting news to BBQ to video games. The dynamic duo have a great sense of humor and insight to all things “man”.

Blitz Pick: Galloway and Company

Time To Pump…You Up (Best Gym) Psycho Gym (Deep Ellum) The home of the kettlebell, the atomic push up and rigorous boot camps. If you are serious about working out then look no further. From beginner to athlete Pyscho Gym has the trainers, the program and advice on getting you to perform your best. Don’t believe us, try them out for free and see for yourself.

Blitz Pick: CrossFit Dallas (Greenville Ave)

You Said It (Best Commentator/Analyst) Brad Sham The “Voice of the Dallas Cowboys” is the reason why we turn down the volume on our TVs and crank up 105.3 The Fan. For over 30 years the man has kept us tuned in with his commentary and thoughts. From Tom Landry to Jason Garrett he has seen it all. He is in the Texas Radio Hall of Fame and definitely in our heads.

Blitz Pick: Chuck Cooperstein Mr. MAV-nifico (Best Sports Franchise Owner) Mark Cuban The ultimate MFFL, Saint Mark Cuban knows basketball. He puts forth a great product and his players love him.

Cuban puts his money where his mouth is and delivers on his word. Since he took over the team, the Mavericks have won 69% of their games and have reached the playoffs each season.

Blitz Pick: Nolan Ryan

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This Beats Work Any Day Of The Week (Best Golf Course) Cowboys Golf Club When you’re the world’s first and only NFLthemed golf club in a football town you are undoubtedly a winner. We think housing a Blitzie with the Super Bowl trophies on display will definitely enhance the golfing experience.

Seriously though, if you golf and you haven’t been here then you’re missing out on pure greatness. Trust us.

Blitz Pick: TPC Four Seasons

If You Build It… They Will Come!

(Best Sports Venue) American Airlines Center When you are the home to two of the metroplex’s sports franchises it might be considered an unfair advantage. The fact that you can get to the AAC via public transportation if you’re on the east side is a major bonus.

Hardwood and/or center ice for six months of the year. Double bonus.

Blitz Pick: Rangers Ballpark in Arlington

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1

SEptEmbEr 12 - 18, 2012

Birthday

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Veterans & Current Military Thank You For Your Service YOUR first cold one is on us. *please bring ID or proof

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1

Holy #&%! *It’s The

BLITZIES!

Culture!

Rock This Town (Best Live Music Venue) The Granada Theater 214-824-9933 www.granadatheater.com From the beautiful murals to the awesome acoustics The Granada Theater has been delivering greatness since Mike Schoder took the reigns back in ’04. There really isn’t a bad seat in the place and the price of admission is usually on the affordable side. It’s safe to say that if a band hasn’t performed here then they’re the ones missing out.

Blitz Pick: The Granada Theater It’s Where Your Friends Are! (Best Patio) Duke’s Original Roadhouse 972-503-2337 www.dukesoriginalroadhouse.com With shades of fall rapidly approaching and a break from the scorching heat there is no better place to relax on a lazy Saturday afternoon than here. Great drink prices and plenty of seating offer the opportunity to get Blitzed and spend good times with friends. Besides you might see some awesome bikes to top it off.

Blitz Pick: McFadden’s Addison

Pool Party (Best Pool) The Cirque www.cirquevictorypark.com Word to the wise: prepare to be amazed. The view of the city is cool but the view of the hotties is way better. The heated rooftop infinity pool is more than relaxing. Avoid the douche bags and have a good time. The home to many parties, just make sure you’re invited.

Blitz Pick: The W Victory Park

Bust A Gut (Best Comedy Club) Addison Improv 972-404-8501 www.improv.com Addison Improv often books national acts and gives local stand ups a venue to try out their stuff. When you need a break we can think of no better venue than here. Order drinks, sit with people you don’t know and laugh out loud. Word to the wise, get there early for the best seats. Stop taking yourself so seriously… seriously!

Blitz Pick: Addison improv

Don’t Just Stand There. Bust A Move.

(Best Dance Club) Lizard Lounge 214-826-4768 www.thelizardlounge.com Unlike your high school prom, the Lizard Lounge offers you music that you can actually dance to, if you can dance. Featuring national and local DJ’s from the metroplex on Fridays and Saturdays this hot spot is known for its music and hotties (read: go-go dancers). They also offer a new meaning to going to church on Sundays.

Blitz Pick: Plush

So they say that a bar is where you go to get inebriated and a pub is a place of refuge, but we think that Trinity Hall is the best of both worlds.

They have over 200 different types of brew, take great pride in their whiskey offerings and have tastings on a regular basis. Throw in the occasional soccer game and you’re set.

Blitz Pick: The libertine Bar

Time To Cowboy Up (Best Country Bar) Cowboys Red River 214-352-1796 www.cowboysdancehall.com And you thought we were talking about the football team! This spot was made for the locals and our out-of-town guests. Spacious dance floor, some line dancing (God’s gift to lonely men), a mechanical bull and Texas Hold’em tables. Nevermind the Coyote Ugly moments and you’ll have a good time.

Blitz Pick: Billy Bob’s Festival Time!

(Best Festival) North Texas Beer Festival www.northtexasbeerfestival.com We love beer and festivals. The North Texas Beer Festival is the original brewfest and worth attending every year. The brainchild of Darrell

Faircloth continues to grow in popularity. Go there for the samples, the lectures and the music and you’ll be satisfied. The emphasis on craft beer and supporting quality over quantity is one that is appreciated by North Texas beer knurds.

Blitz Pick: Taste Addison

It’s Always Happy Hour Here (Best Bar) Trinity Hall 214-887-3600 www.trinityhall.tv

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Your Home Away From Home (Best Sports Bar) Frankie’s Sports Bar and Grill www.frankiesbar.com The mothership is in Uptown and due to its success it has grown to locations in Ft. Worth and Lewisville. The atmosphere is incredible and when it comes to big sporting events there’s no other place to be. Trust us. With more than 30 HD TVs you’ll be able to take in all the action.

Plus the food rocks!

Blitz Pick: Pokes Bar and Grill

Take The Plunge (Best Dive Bar) Ships Lounge 214-823-0418 You know you’ve found a great dive bar when the place doesn’t even have a web site. It’s unassuming and unpretentious. Great juke box, opens early, cash only and they only serve beer and wine. Bring your own liquor if you dare. No swearing or jack wagons allowed. The perfect place to get away from it all.

Blitz Pick: lakewood landing

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9:00AM - 4:00PM

4:00PM - 8:00PM

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Endangered Species

M

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1

By Jan Hubbard - comments@blitzweekly.com

Hunting Down Tiger

ost of the time in sports, we’re fasci- eight top 10 finishes. But because he hasn’t won nated by the possibility of a champi- a major tournament since the 2008 U.S. Open; on getting beat. Too often, we seem and because he has had four surgical procedures to get bored with greatness. Con- on his left knee; and because he went through sider someone like Usain Bolt. He is electrifying, such an ugly and public divorce, some wonder if captivating and dominant. his time has passed.

But he’s lost a couple of races in recent years.

But when he is in contention, they always watch.

Even after winning the two sprints at the London When he won the Memorial this year, ratings Olympics, we wonder when he’ll be beaten. It’s for the final day were up 138 percent from the not enough that he is the first human to win the previous year.

100 and 200 at consecutive Olympics. One of When Woods was a factor on Sunday at the the reasons we’re excited to watch him is, well, he Honda Classic in March (where he eventually might lose. lost by one stroke In golf, however, it seems to Rory McIlroy), very different. If you look at TV ratings were the TV ratings, Tiger Woods up 78 percent. seems to be as popular as While some golf ever and there are ample and TV executives reasons to believe that when have hoped for people watch him, it’s not years to find an because they wonder if he’ll electricpersonality lose – although his life has to challenge been somewhat of a reality Woods, there is show in recent years. no evidence that Still, when Tiger was McIlroy is the guy. compiling 14 major Phil Mickelson was championships, America for awhile and he rooted for him enthusiastically. has four major When Tiger was in the hunt, championships, TV ratings mushroomed. including the When he was not, America 2010 Master’s, collectively went for a Sunday which is more Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison stroll in the park. recent than any Woods has had a great year – three victories, Woods major victory. But there hasn’t been a

Photo Courtesy: Chase McAlpine

good Phil-Tiger matchup in a major tournament in years.

McIlroy captured his second major last month at the PGA championship but America was not mesmerized. The Sunday TV ratings were 3.9. Compare that to the last time Tiger was in a shootout at the PGA championship in 2008 with Y.E. Yang. Those final day ratings were 7.5 – nearly twice what Rory could draw. And you can bet the majority of those people were disappointed when Yang defeated Woods.

So even though McIlroy is a good story – he even has a celebrity girlfriend, Danish tennis star Caroline Wozniacki – and certainly serious golf

fans are enamored with his considerable skills, the only time he has mass appeal is if Tiger is in the hunt.

We could, however, see an advancement of the rivalry when the Ryder Cup is held at the Medinah Country Club outside of Chicago. The matches begin on Sept. 27.

It would be great theater – and no doubt NBC would be thrilled – if the last match on Sunday came down to Woods vs. McIlory for the Cup. That would be a huge stroke of luck, however.

Matches are determined by each captain submitting a list of putting his players in order 1-through-12. The two lists are turned in and it is a simple matter of 1 vs. 1, 2 vs. 2, etc. There is no way a match can be arranged.

If U.S. captain Davis Love is concerned about TV ratings, however, all he has to do is put Tiger in the last group each day. Perhaps some people will tune in to see if he can be beaten. But it seems doubtful he would be so popular for negative reasons. Despite his travails the last few years, Tiger Woods is still as popular as ever. People want him to win.

And in terms of TV ratings, he has no rival.

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1

The Epic Fall of

B

Bobby Valentine

obby Valentine was brought in to manage the Red Sox to provide some hope. After last year’s collapse, Valentine was thought to be a fresh face that would turn things around. After stories came out last year about how pitchers were drinking beers and playing video games in the clubhouse during the game, few thought Valentine would be able to mismanage his players worse than the year before, but he found a way.

After missing the playoffs the past two years, Bobby V was tasked with guiding the hunt for Red (Sox) October. Valentine came into the season with high expectations from fans and pundits. The Red Sox came into the year with the third highest payroll in baseball at just north of $173 million.

The Fenway faithful are a very critical group of fans and were expecting such a talented team to fight for the World Series after missing out on playoff baseball on the last day of the regular season last year.

The season was still young when the new skipper’s first controversial decision came up.

After a slow start to the year, Valentine came out and said this about Boston favorite Kevin Youkilis, “I don’t think he’s as physically or emotionally into the game as he has been in the past for some reason.” This started a war of words between the two, as the consummate professional did not take too kindly to Valentine’s thoughts on him. With Will Middlebrooks having a breakout season, Youkilis saw less and less playing time. There were also reports that Valentine wanted Youkilis out back in spring training because he saw him as a liability. This started a rift that would be a media focus until Youkilis was shipped off to the

Another NHL

I

By C.J. Gardner- cjgardner80@ou.edu

White Sox. Thus was the beginning of Valentine’s mismanagement of his players.

During the embarrassing media circus, the Red Sox were not performing well on the field. They got off to a 12-19 start and were 43-43 at the AllStar Break. It was obvious that the players were

By Martin Iheke - miheke@gmail.com

Lockout Looms

cannot, for the life of me, figure out what the deal is with the National Hockey League and the National Hockey League Players’ Association. How can these guys be so stupid? The league is coming off a successful postseason with having some of its best television ratings in a long time. Attendance at the arenas is going back up around the league since the last lockout that wiped out the entire 2004-2005 season. The casual fan is starting to buy in to the NHL again only to have the owners and players wreck what they have been trying to repair from the damage the last lockout caused.

For those of you who have not been paying attention, the current collective bargaining agreement deal between the owners and players is set to expire on Saturday. Commissioner Gary Bettman is prepared to lock out the players if a new deal is not reached by then. Both sides are having trouble coming into some sort of an agreement on revenue sharing. The owners want the players to significantly cut their share of revenue back from their current 57% level to 46%.

The players do not want to do that. In their latest proposal to the owners, their share of revenue will fall in the first three years and then go back up to the current 57% with the players’ union making several proposals to bring that level to less than 57% according to defendingbigd.com.

If you do not quite understand this whole issue,

not 100 percent behind Valentine as their coach.

Team leader Dustin Pedroia was outspoken on how Valentine handled the Youkilis situation saying, “That’s not how we go about our stuff here.”

The next distraction for the Red Sox and Valentine

was when team owners and brass had a meeting with some of the players. The meeting came right after it was reported Adrian Gonzalez sent a text message to the owners on behalf of the players criticizing Valentine. The players felt Valentine embarrassed Jon Lester when he left Lester in to allow 11 runs in his July 22nd start against the Blue Jays. Red Sox Owner John W. Henry said no Red Sox players called for Valentine to be fired, but media outlets reported that there were several players who said they no longer wanted to play for him.

Then on August 25th, Adrian Gonzalez, Josh Beckett, Carl Crawford and Nick Punto were traded to the LA Dodgers for James Loney and prospects. This move demonstrated the team switching its focus to next season, as the team had no chance of a playoff birth this season.

Needless to say, this year has been a giant disappointment for the Red Sox. Does Bobby Valentine deserve all the criticism for this? No. The Sox have had a lot of injuries to deal with, but Bobby V’s constant bumbling and personnel faux pas has been a big reason for the team’s poor play this season. Red Sox fans can look down in Baltimore at the manager of the year, Buck Showalter, and what he has done with half the payroll of theirs and far less talent to see what a manager can do with a team. Ownership has said Valentine will be back next season, but unless he can manage his players better, I don’t see the Red Sox players playing for him next season as they have already stopped doing it this year.

then you are not alone. I do not either nor do I care. The simple thing here for me is why both sides cannot agree to a 5050 split of the revenue sharing and move on?

This league cannot afford another lockout.

Since Bettman became commissioner in 1993, there have been two major work stoppages under his watch. For thosereasons a l o n e , Bettman should no longer be the commissioner but that is another topic for another day.

Another thing that bothers me about this is the fact that they are in no such hurry to come to an agreement before the league starts missing some games. They meet two or three times a week over a certain period and if nothing is resolved, they

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Photo Courtesy: Alien Hockey

end up calling it a day and point fingers at each other. Why are they not meeting every minute of every day until a deal is reached? The fact that there is little to no media coverage of this goes to show you how little the media cares, especially for a sport like hockey that is last amongst the four majors sports in terms of popularity here in the United States.

As a fan of this league, this is very disappointing.

I thought these guys would have learned their lesson from the last lockout. That one nearly killed this league and with a possibility of another one, do they really think the majority of fans will come back this time?

Apparently, Bettman thinks so. “We recovered the last time because we have the world’s greatest fans,” Bettman said according to the700level.com. Oh, really Bettman? Do not be so sure of that. We, as fans, can only take so much from you greedy owners and players. Remember, if fans stop showing up to games and watching it on television as well as not purchasing any merchandise associated with the NHL, you guys will not exist. In a time where most of us are struggling to make ends meet because of a struggling economy, the last thing we want to hear about is millionaires and billionaires fighting over money. It would be in the best interest of both the owners and players to get a deal done

by Saturday. The last thing you want to do is take the fans for granted which is what that quote by Bettman meant.

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Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?

A: A Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?

A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

SEptEmbEr 12 - 18, 2012

little Johnny Strikes Again!

It was little Johnny’s first day in a new school, so his father walked up the teacher.

He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.

The teacher did not seem disturbed, and assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny’s urge to gamble. Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.

“Oh, everything is going very well,” she said. “I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit.” The father asked her what had happened.

“The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me $10 that I had a mole on my rear,” she said. “I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teachers’ lounge to show him that I had no mole, but he had to promise he would never make another bet at school again.”

“Damn!” the father said. “He bet me $50 this morning that he would see the teacher’s ass before the day was over.”

Virgo August 23 – September 22 Even though there’s more than one way to skin a cat, you never thought you’d be caught doing it. libra September 23 – October 22 Your love for women of all shapes and sizes takes on a new meaning this week when you fail to successfully inflate your new blow up doll.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 The stench from your crotch rot reaches an all-time high at next week’s Monday morning meeting causing mass vomiting at the office.

21

BLITZ FUNNYS

OlD uNiONS CAN SOuR NBC News reported August 30, 2012, one of the most dangerous cities in the U.S., Camden, New Jersey, was taking a new approach to reducing crime and saving money. They’ll dismiss all 267 “law enforcement” officers, replacing them with non-union members.

PeRhAPS A MiDOl MiGhT helP? Joyce Coffey, of Epping, New Hampshire, played the AC/DC song “Highway to Hell” so loudly police were called and she was given a warning ticket. Called back an hour later, same reason, police arrested her. Soon released, a few hours later

she was re-arrested, same reason. Re-re-released, within a few hours again arrested, and re-re-re-released the following day.

Returning home, Coffey threw a frying pan at her nephew who was moving out, and again she was arrested. (WMUR-TV) STiCKY-FiNGeReD ThieVeS (Aug. 31, 2012) Saint-Louis-de-Blandford, Quebec - The Associated Press reported millions of dollars’ worth of maple syrup was missing from a large warehouse, which stores 10 million pounds (4.54 million kilograms) of this sweet favorite, valued at some $30 million total inventory. The warehouse is so huge, it will take auditors days to determine how many 45-gallon barrels of syrup were emptied.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 They say that it takes one to know one, which may explain why you’re so good at picking out partners who enjoy scatophilia as much as you do.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 While it’s perfectly natural to resist change, it’s time for you to start accepting some from generous passersby.

Gemini May 21 – June 21 You and your co-worker have often been compared to Romulus and Remus. Guess what? You aren’t Romulus.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 For some odd reason, while at your Liars Anonymous meeting no one will believe a word you say.

Aries March 21 – April 19 You’re still an old-fashioned guy who believes in holding doors open for women, pulling out chairs for them and offering to pay for dinner. You also believe that they’re chattel.

Cancer June 22 – July 22 After years of earning a living on your back, this week you’ll be amazed at what you can earn on your knees.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 The stars believe now is the time to lose those love handles. Start by taking a sharp knife to that mound of flesh.

Taurus April 20 – May 20 Due to stress this week and being drained both emotionally and physically you’ll find refuge in the arms of a La-Z-Boy.

ACROSS 1. Washed-out 6. Dirty air 10. Colored part of an eye 14. Critical 15. Gangly 16. Naked 17. Happen again 18. Operatic solo 19. Delight 20. Appraisal 22. Absorb written material 23. Ends a prayer 24. Stylish 26. Coarse file 30. Fury 31. Consume 32. Dwarf buffalo 33. Achy 35. Panorama 39. A member of the Cosa Nostra 41. A canvas shoe

43. Jargon 44. Brood 46. Hue 47. A lower limb 49. Not many 50. Terminates 51. Superficiality 54. No charge 56. “Oh my!”

57. Unsanctified 63. Not a win 64. University administrator 65. Avoid 66. Iridescent gem 67. Lady’s escort 68. Mix together 69. Depend 70. Cocoyam 71. Not outer

leo July 23 – August 22 Actions will speak louder than words this week when your best friend silently simulates a jack-off motion whenever you begin to speak.

DOWN 1. Anagram of “Fear” 2. Air force heroes 3. An enclosed conduit 4. Decorative case 5. Skin layer 6. A guest cabin 7. Sailor 8. Hodgepodge 9. Peek 10. Gain favor 11. Governs 12. Notions 13. Squalid 21. Awry 25. Wash 26. Adult male sheep 27. A Freudian stage 28. Couch 29. In a non-hurting manner 34. An artificiallanguage 36. An outer surface 37. Care for

38. The products of human creativity 40. Curved molding 42. Handrail post 45. Impromptu 48. Grievance 51. Heroism 52. Run away to wed 53. Twangy, as a voice 55. Lacquer ingredient 58. Require 59. Baking appliance 60. Alert 61. Border 62. Bambi was one

Solution on Page 18 FOLLOw bLItz wEEkLy On twIttEr and FacEbOOk

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September 12 - 18, 2012

The CLOSER

Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

THE UNSOLVED MYSTERY OF DR. CRACK ME Every once in a while, a girl feels special when she’s completely surprised and asked out by a stranger. Your personality could potentially be a complete bore, but the guy thinks you’re hot enough to give you a shot. Total pump-up for the self esteem. This happened to me recently and it was pretty darn exciting.

The date request wasn’t completely shocking. I’d been receiving various prank calls, which were funny as hell, from a chiropractor friend and his business partner. I thought, “y’all are pushing 30 and still making prank calls, but I kind of accept.”

After enough giggles and comical voice mails, I received a straight up serious call from Dr. Crack Me (that’s what we’ll call him for the purpose of this little diddy). He said he’d love to take me out on a date. I hadn’t seen this guy at all. I just knew he was a belly-laughing son of a bitch. I thought he might be ass ugly but at least he’d keep me laughing through the whole dinner.

A couple days, texts, Facebook messages and calls passed. This chap was blowing me up through every mode of communication. Of course this was bloating my ego. I had this sucker in the bag before date one. Line them up and pick them out!

The anticipation mounted as we discussed our first date. He made it clear he didn’t want to engage in a boring, generic dinner. He wanted something fun and out of the box. Another plus for him. I certainly wasn’t smitten, but I was honestly looking forward to a fun date with a decent guy.

Lord knows I’ve had my handful of unfortunate encounters with dipshits. I thought this would be a fun little treat.

We decided we’d channel our Saved by The Bell days and try out a “murder mystery dinner date” downtown. He emailed me the Web site to check out, selected the specific date and purchased the

tickets. Only a few more days of waiting and we’d be on our first date, trading oneliners, cracking each other up.

Anticipating this knee-slapping hell of a time, I splurged and purchased a new form-fitting dress. Classy with a slightly sensual undertone. The perfect formula for a first date with a new fella. Leave something to the imagination, but offer up a little bit to gawk at.

Date day had arrived. I rushed around all day, making sure I completed all my errands and had ample prep time for the date. My best gal pal laid on my bed, tummy down with her pink-painted toes in the air. She watched me as I carefully crafted delicate curls into my hair. I felt like I was her big sister, getting ready to go out with the high school dreamboat. We were gabbing away like girls do, playing out scenarios for the date night. “What if he tries to kiss you on the first date?” “Text me if he’s horrible and you need a fake emergency.” You know...all the mandatory pre-date chitchat between girls.

As I’m nearing the finishing touches, I look down at my cell phone. Our date time is an hour away and there were no missed calls or texts from this charmer. My friend and I of course do the frantic girly thing and she called my phone to make sure it’s working.

Of course it is. We look on Facebook to see if he’s posted recently. Yep he posted four hours prior, so he’s at least taken a breath for the day. What the hell? Where is he? I start getting a little paranoid. I exclaimed, “If this f*cker plans to stand me up, he’s the biggest ass ever.” I go into a rant about how I didn’t even know he existed, he completely solicited this date, pursuing me like a maniac. My bestie stood there nodding her head, acting as my little cheerleader.

Ramping up my spirits, she kept reassuring me there has to be some explanation. Yeah the explanation is he sucks. We decided I should call (20 minutes prior to the date) and see what the hell is up.

I called and of course got his voice mail. I mustered up every lick of polite sweetness I could and stated I wanted to double check on the time he was picking me up. Yeah right; I already knew the jig was up.

For the first time, I got stood up. Fuming, I exclaimed “I want pizza!” After starving myself for several days in preparation for the date, I wanted to bury my anger in carbs.

As all good friends do, my bestie grabbed her keys and drove my “stood up butt” to

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1

The

AnsweR GUY with

Arthur Bellfield

Whole Foods. Of course I am still glammed up in my date outfit. The goofy, slightly awkward gent at the pizza counter comments on my hair, saying I looked like a 1970’s pin-up girl. Oh don’t get me started poor little dough boy. Here comes a stood-up bitch and she’s pissed!

As my pizza box is nestled in my hands, getting colder by the minute, I pour out every detail of the last hour. Surprisingly, he didn’t look at me like a pathetic little human. His eyes showed compassion and disbelief. He offered up kind apologies on behalf of the male species. As I thanked him for the slice and heart-felt words, he said, “This guy is an idiot and it’s completely his loss.” On that note, I requested another slice of pizza and shot him a gracious smile.

After I inhaled the yummy sustenance, I sat there feeling even worse about myself. Not only was I stood up, but now I felt like a fat ass. Whatever, I knew my rear would be pounding the heck out of the gym the next morning. I also assumed the next morning I’d receive some lame-ass excuse from Dr. Crack Me. Nope. Silence and mystery.

He promised me a mystery dinner date, and the mystery was still unsolved. Guess this jackass came through on his promise. I’ll give him that.

A week later when the case of the unsolved mystery was filed away, he “liked” my profile picture on Facebook. What kind of nonsensical bullshit is that? No explanation of why he stood me up. Just one little lame click of a mouse. Was that the olive branch he was extending to me? I do not accept. Snap that branch in half.

Moving forward, it is important to never let my ego bloat due to a little male attention. He can talk and talk about a fun date, but he could also be a shady twerp who stands you up for no reason. Instead of feeling bad about myself and looking for a reason as to why I was stood up, I’m never going to really know the truth. I can speculate, wonder and be pissed. Bottom line: I was stood up. Just another little peen on my path to finding the man who will never leave me with an unsolved mystery.

Dear Arthur,

What are your views on getting serious with a heavily tattooed girl?

Signed, Inquisitive Steve Interesting question! A lot of people have been writing in lately regarding the physical essence of their mates and potential soul mates. This is alarming because it further empowers the stereotype that Dallas people are superficial and are blindsided by boobs, bulk, and booty.

In the past I’ve dismissed this merely as a distraction from true love created by the mass Media Gods (i.e. Viacom, Clear Channel, etc. look it up) to limit our perceptions of what beauty really is. I now realize the inception of it all. We as a society need pretty people in our lives to feel better about ourselves. It’s a psychological Jedi Mind Trick of course that hints at deeper issues, but if it works…it works!

The whole thought of dating a heavily inked chick isn’t a turn off. Kat Von D for example is a colleague of wicked beauty and demented art whose life is an R-rated coming of age story for adults. The point is she’s not afraid to embrace who she is, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of who she is! Being yourself is the new normal: frig conformity!

There is no gratification in sitting on the sidelines of love and letting go of someone you obviously care about simply because you’re afraid of what other people will think of them. Those are the Media Gods at work, keeping you unhappy and lonely until they decide you’re worthy of love and a commercial break of the heart!

However, we need those Media Gods in our lives on a semi-regular basis like a good orgasm to remind us that there truly are happy people out there living the lives we wish we had. Damn Jedi mind tricks!

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 1

SEptEmbEr 12 - 18, 2012

23

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