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SEptEmbEr 19 - 25, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

SEptEmbEr 19 - 25, 2012

n OD eck

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By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

NHL - On Ice

T SPORTS NEWS On Deck Out of Left Field Big 12 Preview SEC Preview UNT Preview MLB Postseason Debacle Lakers Always Find A Sucker UFC 152 Preview Doing Dallas Eat It. Wear It. Go There.

COVER STORY Cowboys at Home Home Sweet Home BLITZ ENTERTAINMENT Chelsea The Good Ol’ Hayes Tobacco-Free Campuses Justin Timberlake Plate Escapes Saul Williams Gearshift: RAM 1500 Respect the Tech BLITZ FUNNYS Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News THE CLOSER Pocketful of Peens The Answer Guy Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Creative Director Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Chuck Majors

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he NHL is going to have a tough time keeping the public engaged long enough to care about another lockout. The 24-hour news cycles are on a steady rotation of Middle East turmoil, NFL refs, election coverage and Honey Boo Boo ratings. And while I’m all for workers negotiating their position, this feels like drudgery and not the “damn the man” vibe that make work stoppages easy for public consumption.

The public can get behind a lockout when issues like safety or corruption are at play, but when the problem is how to split up $3.3 billion in revenue, it’s going to be a tough sell. We did the usual blustering over the NFL offseason lockout last year and the shortened NBA season but trust me when I tell you that the public is fatigued.

Just watching the NFL scab refs getting bullied by coaches and clumsily facing the wrong way has made for some painful yet still pleasurable viewing on Sunday. But something has to give because every

pressure to cave? Here are some of my favorite ways players can stage their own coup d’etat from Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals: “Make the enemy live up to its own book of rules.” There is no way that anyone can follow all of their own rules all the time.

Maybe players can flood the owner’s offices with requests for meetings and paperwork to overload the front offices. This helps prove that even owners are capable of failing in the game they chose to play by.

“A good tactic is one your people enjoy.” Sitting at home and not playing hockey is going to get old quick for those who have dedicated their lives to the sport. Players should rent ice in their hometowns and put on exhibition games and donate the proceeds to charity. Show the owners exactly who the fans pay to see.

“The price of a successful attack is a constructive alternative.” The Players’ Association has to think creatively for alternatives to the owner’s proposal. Simply

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good protester knows that when a strategy drags on too long, it becomes a drag.

For the past 18 years, the MLB has been able to avoid similar lockouts by taking advantage of a system that does not have a salary cap. The man that helped negotiate that deal was Donald Fehr, former executive director of the MLB Players’ Association from ’86-’09. He helped coordinate the 1994 players strike that ended with no World Series. Now, as head of the NHL Players’ Association he is attempting to usher in an era of peace on the ice.

So what exactly are the tactics of a union under

restating differing demands is not negotiating, it’s just holding everyone hostage.

For now, the season is scheduled to open October11th if everything can get sorted out. But with limits to free agency and salary arbitration on the table it looks like the owners won’t budge ‘til hell freezes over.

uncle walter on dieting

I’m so poor that I try not to poop because every time I do I’m hungry again!

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SEptEmbEr 19 - 25, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2 Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

UPCOMING SCHEDULE: 9/19 @ANGELS 9:05 P.M. 9/20 @ANGELS 9:05 P.M. 9/21 @MARINERS 9:10 P.M. 9/22 @MARINERS 8:10 P.M. 9/23 @MARINERS 3:10 P.M. 9/24 ATHLETICS 7:05 P.M. 9/25 ATHLETICS 7:05 P.M.

By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com

Initial goals still well in reach

E

verything the Texas Rangers want to achieve this season remains at their disposal with just two weeks of the 2012 regular schedule left.

Win the American League West Division? After victories in four of six games last week, they held a three-game lead over the surprising Oakland Athletics.

Be the league’s best division winner? They were four games ahead of the New York Yankees with 16 left to play.

Succeed at those goals and the Rangers can better reach their ultimate prize, the World Series.

To best do this, they must continue winning series.

After taking both three-game sets at home last week, they were 8-1-0 in their last nine series and 11-2-0 in the past 13.

“We hope we can keep that up,” said Rangers manager Ron Washington after Sunday’s game.

“You go into each series hoping to win them all but we’ll keep taking two of three looking to move forward. You can’t look backward.”

A major reason they won both series was starting pitcher Matt Harrison. The left-hander gave up just two runs on five hits in 5.2 innings Sept. 11 against the Cleveland Indians and a run on five hits in 8.2 innings Sunday against the Seattle Mariners. Both came after Washington gave Harrison two extra days rest after two rough starts.

“He was outstanding,” Washington said. “His breaking ball was working. His change was working. His slider was working. Everything we needed from him he gave to us. That should put to rest that he’s fatigued.”

“Any time you get a couple of days extra it makes a difference,” Harrison said after earning his 16th win. He then beat Seattle for the ninth straight time to raise his record to a career-best 17-9 while lowering his earned run average to 3.26.

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“I just hope I can maintain this through October,” Harrison said Sunday.

Interestingly, the Rangers’ other two wins of the week were by starters Ryan Dempster and Yu Darvish while the losses were by relievers Joe Nathan and Tanner Scheppers. Offensively, Michael Young hit .350 while Adrian Beltre’s two home runs gave him 14 in 24 games.

3 million and counting It took until their 40th year in Texas but the Rangers have finally surpassed the magic three million attendance mark.

The honor became official last Thursday when a crowd of 36,102 put the team at 3,003,143 through its first 71 home dates. The previous record was 2,946,949 set last year.

All fans attending that game received a commemorative t-shirt from Capital One while Fort Worth’s James Patterson was randomly selected as the three millionth fan and received a prize package that included 2013 season tickets and various Rangers merchandise.

Pivotal week for Rangers, A’s While the Rangers play three in Anaheim and three in Seattle this week, the A’s are at Detroit and at the New York Yankees. Then Texas and Oakland face four games against each other beginning Monday in Arlington in what could be the final decider in the division.

Texas holds just a 21-20 record against the A.L. West this year with all remaining games in the division. That’s already three more losses than all of last year when the Rangers went 40-17 against their top rivals.

“Oakland is right behind us so we have to keep playing good baseball and take at least two of three in each series,” Harrison said.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

BIG 12 Game of the week

By Jason Fleck – jason.fleck@mavs.uta.edu

T

Sooner or Later

his week’s Big 12 Game of the Week matches up two top 15 programs when the No. 15 Kansas State Wildcats travel to Oklahoma Memorial Stadium in Norman to take on the No. 6 Oklahoma Sooners.

The game will feature two Heisman hopeful quarterbacks in Collin Klein (KSU) and Landry Jones (OU). It is fitting that both teams will open up their Big 12 seasons, while also being each other’s first real test in this young college football season. Last year against Oklahoma, Kansas State couldn’t get anything going in the second half and were held scoreless. Meanwhile the Sooners went on to score 44 unanswered points on a run that started just before halftime, after trailing 17-14.

Landry Jones had a sensational game throwing for a school record 505 yards while throwing five touchdowns. His counterpart, Collin Klein, was held to just 48 yards passing, but ran for 92 yards and two rushing touchdowns.

In last years match up, Kansas State had problems in the second half, while this year they have had trouble getting off to slow starts.

Kansas State will need to bring their best for the entire game to have a chance. Kansas State will definitely need to hold down Oklahoma’s Damien Williams, who in his first two games has already rushed for 259 yards and five touchdowns on just 20 carries. Kansas State’s defense will also have to keep tabs on RB Dominique Whaley who is coming back strong this year after the fractured ankle he suffered in last year’s meeting between these two. Oklahoma will be looking to keep the dangerous passer and runner Collin Klein in check, as he has already rushed for 210 yards and four touchdowns and thrown for 609 yards and five touchdowns. Look for this game to be

Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

a lot closer than last year with Oklahoma being seen as overrated this year. On paper they look evenly matched with both teams having their fair amount of weapons and both teams averaging 46 points a game while giving up less than 15 points a game.

Game Info: #15 KANSAS STATE vs. #6 OKLAHOMA SAT. SEPT. 22 – 6:50PM / FOX OKLAHOMA MEMORIAL STADIUM

September 19 - 25, 2012

SEC Game of the week

By Stephen Evans – comments@blitzweekly.com

Missouri Takes on South Carolina

I

t may not seem fair, but the Missouri Tigers are quickly learning what their fellow SEC mates learned long ago – there’s rarely a down week in conference play. And for Missouri, its hopes of contending for the SEC’s Eastern Division title could fade away before the calendar turns to October. That’s because, for the second time in this still new 2012 season, the Tigers will face the nation’s seventh-ranked team. And for the second time, that No. 7 team will be an SEC East opponent.

Despite Missouri’s valiant toe-to-toe fight for three quarters against No. 7 Georgia in the teams’ SEC opener, the Bulldogs upended the Tigers’ upset bid, exploding for 24 unanswered points in cruising to a 4120 victory. Fast forward two weeks and the Tigers again take on a No. 7-ranked team, this time on the road in hostile territory.

If Missouri is to claim a statement victory at South Carolina, it may have to do so without its starting quarterback.

Nursing an injured elbow, James Franklin sat out the Tigers’ 24-20 win over Arizona State last weekend, turning the reigns over to redshirt Photo Courtesy: SECfootballfan freshman Corbin Berkstresser.

Franklin’s ability to get back on the field will be key, as freshmen QBs don’t have great success on the road in the SEC. But the Gamecocks won’t feel any empathy for Missouri, as they too face quarterback uncertainties. Starter Connor Shaw has not played since injuring his shoulder in the season opener and is listed as questionable for this week. But it’s not the South Carolina offense that is expected to steal the show in this game or any other. Steve Spurrier’s crew depends on its tenacious defense, led by an NFL-ready defensive front.

South Carolina is seventh in the country in scoring defense and has not allowed a touchdown from inside the red zone this season. Such is typical of top SEC defenses, but the Tigers are still getting use to this whole SEC thing. Unfortunately for them, there is no time for on-the-job-training in a year that might see the Tigers’ conference championship dreams burst before the newness of the season even wears off.

Game Info: MISSOURI vs. #7 SOUTH CAROLINA SAT. SEPT. 22 – 2:30PM / CBS WILLIAMS-BRICE STADIUM

5

North Texas Mean Green

Conference Play Begins Frank LaCosta – flacosta@blitzweekly.com

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he Mean Green went up to Manhattan and put up a gutsy performance only to walk away with a loss to Kansas State.

After taking a 7-0 lead on Brelan Chancellor’s six-yard run, the ensuing kickoff was returned 96-yards by the Wildcats to even up the score. From there it was a game of catch up for North Texas. The Mean Green had a chance to tie the score midway through the third quarter but missed the PAT. The Wildcats in full stride tacked on three more touchdowns before North Texas scored one last time on a 19-yard TD reception

by Chancellor late in the forth quarter. The following onside kickoff attempt was recovered by Kansas State effectively ending the game 35-21 in favor of the Wildcats.

but were unable to capitalize on offense. The Wildcats throughout the game were able to sustain scoring drives of 64, 72, 75 and 77 yards.

The gaffs on the Mean Green special teams play ultimately cost the team the game. Giving up a kickoff return for a TD, missing a PAT and a FG attempt were the difference makers.

Next up for North Texas is a home game against Sun Belt conference opponent Troy. The Trojans won their season opener on the road against UAB but lost subsequent home games against Louisiana-Lafayette and Mississippi State. Both teams have 1-2 records. One thing is for sure, Troy can score. They’ve put up at least 24 points per game. QB Corey Robinson is a pocket passer

Photo Courtesy: Joe Lorenzini

There were several positives to be taken from the loss though. The game plan of playing keep away from Kansas State was successful in the first quarter. QB Derek Thompson performed quite well completing 25 of 28 pass attempts for 208 yards, a TD and no interceptions. RB Brandin Byrd was the workhorse again carrying the rock 19 times for 61 yards. He also had four catches for 23 yards. His stable mate, Antoinne Jimmerson has eight carries for 68 yards. WR Brelan Chancellor did well with two TDs.

who will “dink and dunk” his way down the field.

RB Shawn Southward is the battering ram who will wear down opposing defenses. Look for Chip Reeves and Eric Thomas to be Robinson’s main targets throughout the game. With both offenses performing well, expect a high scoring affair for this one.

Game Info: TROY vs UNT SAT. SEPT. 22 – 6PM / ESPN3 APOGEE STADIUM

The defense however simply could not contain “Optimus Klein” and the powerful Wildcat offense. They managed to create two turnovers

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6

September 19 - 25, 2012

This Year’s MLB Postseason Format Stinks

By Martin Iheke - miheke@gmail.com

A

s the 2012 Major League Baseball regular season comes to a close, we as fans look forward to the postseason, especially if our favorite team(s) qualify. You all of a sudden pay more attention to keeping track of teams that are in contention for a playoff spot whether if it is for a division title or a wild card spot. It makes for some fun times. What I am not looking forward to is this year’s playoffs format. I do not understand why baseball has to make things so complicated.

The postseason format for this year concerning the best-of-five division series is set up to where the higher-seeded team plays the first two games on the road and the last three games at home making this a 2-3 format. Normally it would be a 2-2-1 format where the team with the better record gets the first two games at home and the last one of the series, but because there aren’t any off days, MLB decided it would be best to go with the 2-3 format. Fortunately, they will go back to the 2-2-1 format next season. The other issue I have with the current postseason format

being sort of punished with this format. That is not fair. What if they lose the first two games of the series and now have to win the last three games at home to advance? That is not an easy task.

They are not playing the lowly Minnesota Twins or the Cleveland Indians. They will be facing off against a very good team and to win three straight games just to move on is very difficult. This could be another bad break for the Rangers. Now, you will say what if they split the first two games on the road, would they not have home-field advantage the rest of the series only needing to win two of three? Yes that would be good, but the whole point here is there should not be a reason in the first place to have this format that could be a huge disadvantage to the higher-seeded teams.

For the World Series, there is not a bigger example of a team getting the shaft over not having home-field advantage than the Rangers last season. They had a better record than the St. Louis Cardinals by six games, but because the National League won the All-Star Game, the Cardinals ended up having home-field

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

Lakers Always Find A Sucker

By Jan Hubbard - comments@BlitzWeekly

Team Aims for NBA Finals

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hen the Lakers acquired Dwight Howard in another one of those deals that feed conspiracy theories, general reaction in the NBA

was horror.

Last year, the league refused to allow a trade that would have sent Chris Paul to the Lakers.

The Howard deal was so far more one-sided that simply rejecting it would not be appropriate. The responsible parties at minimum should have also been sent to time out, forced to wear a dunce cap and required to write 100 times on the blackboard, “I will not make stupid trades to help the Lakers.”

Andrew Bynum may be the second best center in the league behind Howard, but he was only the third best player on the Lakers. In the days leading up to the multi-team deal, reports had the Lakers also having to give up Pau Gasol to get

DUN

CE

want to know what happens during the season.”

That’s a valid point. You have to play the games.

And if there is one small nugget of hope for others, the Lakers not only acquired Howard and Nash, but they also traded for their bad backs.

Howard missed 12 games and all of the playoffs with back problems that required surgery in the off-season. And although Nash has missed only 21 games in the last five years, he has battled back problems and his playing time has steadily diminished.

Relying on bad health, of course, is not the greatest strategy for competing against the Lakers. And it is absolutely maddening to the rest of the league – perhaps with the exception of Cuban – that the Lakers always seem to make a deal to make them great.

If you go back in their history, they gave up very little for trades that brought them Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Magic Johnson, James Worthy, Shaquille O’Neal and Bryant. In 1983, they won the NBA title. The same year, they drafted Worthy with the No. 1 pick. How many teams can win a championship and have the No. 1 pick the same year?

But the Lakers always find a sucker. In this case, it was 30-year old Orlando general manager Rob Hennigan, who is a rookie and was making his first deal. In the four-team deal, Hennigan got six players and five draft picks.

In their respective drafts, those six players were taken with these picks – 15, 16, 25, 27, 30, 37.

The five draft picks were from teams that made the playoffs, which means none of those picks is likely to be in the lottery.

That’s what Hennigan got for the best center in the league.

Cuban is correct in one sense. The Lakers have only won the summer. But the point is, they didn’t simply win it.

They swept it.

Photo Courtesy: Ken Stewart

Photo Courtesy: Matt Lehrer

is the winner of the All-Star Game gets homefield advantage in the World Series. They have been doing this for a decade now and it is really stupid. Why can’t they figure out that the team with the better record should have home-field advantage in any series like they do in hockey and basketball? It does not make any sense.

For example, currently the Texas Rangers have the best record in the American League. If the season ended today, they would have to open up on the road for Game 1 against the wild card winner in the division series rather than open up at home. Instead of rewarding the Rangers for their success during the regular season, they are

advantage. Now, you would think they would have enough sense in figuring out that the team with the better record should be rewarded by having home-field. Hockey and basketball do it but not baseball. Would the Rangers have won last year’s World Series if they had home-field advantage like they were supposed to? I believe they would have, but of course I will never know that. What I would like to know is that they will fix this by rewarding teams with better records in the regular season home-field advantage sooner rather than later. It is much more logical than the other way around.

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Howard.

But they didn’t. So now they have Howard, who is 6-11, 250 pounds with a chiseled body that would make Hercules look a little pale. And the 7-1 Gasol may be criticized – unfairly in my opinion – for being soft, but he has averaged 17.4 points and 9.2 rebounds in his career.

If that’s soft, I’ll take a double.

The Lakers also traded for Steve Nash, who may be 38 and unable to keep up with the quicker guards in the league. But age has had no impact on his ability to pass the ball to Kobe Bryant or shoot the 3-pointer when Howard and Gasol force defenses to collapse around the basket.

That’s why the rest of the league shuddered. Even members of the Heat sounded a little uneasy, and Miami had a good off-season by adding shooters Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis to their bench.

As Dallas fans know, there was one brave voice who sounded unimpressed. “A lot of teams do a great job of winning the summer,” Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said. “But I never get so antsy about what happens over the summer. I just

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

SEptEmbEr 19 - 25, 2012

UFC 152 Preview

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By Frank LaCosta – flacosta@blitzweekly.com

Co-Main Events Have Fans Hungry Jon “Bones” Jones (16-1-0) vs Vitor “The Phenom” Belfort (21-9-0)

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he main event of the night pits a veteran fighter in Belfort versus youth as Jones attempts to defend his belt. Belfort is taking this match on short notice and had to move up in weight class. For the former champ, Belfort is definitely the underdog in this match up. Belfort might have a “puncher’s chance” to succeed and when it comes to striking, he is the more technical of the two. If he can get inside and make it a stand up fight, he’ll implement various combinations with power. His punches are lethal. If the fight goes to the ground, Jones possesses several advantages. Jones might not have the same BJJ pedigree as Belfort but he does have tapout wins over Lyoto Machida, Rampage Jackson and Ryan Bader. Belfort might be more muscular, but Jones has the cardio and reach advantage. If Jones can keep his ego in check and survives the initial Belfort attack he will win by TKO in the second round. You can take that to the bank!

Joseph Benavidez (16-2-0) vs Demetrious “Might Mouse” Johnson (15-2-1) All of the pundits are predicting this to be the “fight of the night” and it will have the fireworks to do so. Originally scheduled as the main event it has now been bumped down. Benavidez last lost back in August of 2010 to Dominick Cruz and

Dallas Polo Club

PARTAKE IN THE SPORT OF KINGS!

EVERYBODY IS INVITED

doesn’t have a great takedown defense so look for Johnson to exploit this weakness. I’m predicting that this fight will go the distance with Johnson winning by decision and taking home the belt.

Michael “The Count” Bisping (23-4-0) vs Brian “All American” Stann (12-4-0) There is more on the line than just winning this fight, the winner could be next in line to take on Anderson Silva and the middleweight belt.

That being said, the self-promoting Bisping has been here before. He has far more experience than Stann and will look to capitalize on this with points while avoiding Stann’s power punches. Bisping will mix it up with takedowns.

He’ll definitely lose if he chooses to stand and bang with Stann, he needs to get this fight to the ground. For Stann it’s all about closing the gap and landing punches. His most recent victories have come via knockouts. He doesn’t possess much in the takedown department so look for him to come out swinging. If Bisping can get through the first round and sticks to his game plan he’ll win being the more well rounded fighter. Bisping wins via unanimous decision and be prepared for more self-promotion.

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Photo Courtesy: Kelly Bailey

is 4-0 since. He earned the right to be included in the co-main event by defeating Yasuhiro Urushitani by TKO. He is a well-conditioned fighter with speed on his side. He’ll look to win via submission. Johnson’s last loss was also to Cruz but his recent unanimous decision over Ian McCall sets the stage for the flyweight title fight.

He possesses a similar skill set as Benavidez in regards to speed and conditioning. However his advantage is the takedown game. Benavidez

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SEptEmbEr 19 - 25, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

Doing Dallas

Women Who Love(d) Cowboys

Carrie Underwood ---------- Tony Romo

Kim Kardashian ---------------- Miles Austin

Pilar Sanders ---------------- Deion Sanders

Jessica Simpson ------------------ Tony Romo

Abigail Klein ------------------------ Troy Aikman

Candice Crawford ----------- Tony Romo

Brooke Daniels -------------- Roy Williams

Sanaa Lathan ------------------- Terrell Owens

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ills Buffalo B k o o b r in ou are girls

David Nelson ------------------------- Kelsi Reich

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

EAT IT

Nothing like a little wine with your fried chicken. At least that’s what they say at MAX’s Wine Dive right dead smack in the heart of West Village. The Dive encourages you to dine on Kobe, MAX ‘n Cheese, Shrimp & Grits, Jalapeno-buttermilk marinated Fried Chicken and choose from a wine list that would make Lindsey Lohan proud. Over here they do it to the MAXimum. www.maxswinedive.com/dallas

SEptEmbEr 19 - 25, 2012

WEAR IT

Slip on and lace up the Clae Hamilton Shoe ($135). Be casual yet snooty enough to look down on sneaker wearers. It’s like the perfect compromise. Tonal stitching, soft collar lining, and a sport rubber outsole say to the world, “hey, I may be comfortable, but dammit I’m not a slob.” www.clae.com

GO THERE

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Be in the house on Thursday, September 20 when Gentleman Jack’s Art, Beats + Lyrics national tour hits Dallas at 7pm in The Palladium Ballroom. There will be a visual showcase from up-and-coming visual artists and performances by old school hip acts like Shock G of Digital Underground and Scarface and of course there will be some Gentleman Jack within arms reach.

Tell them Blitz Weekly sent ya! www.gentlemanjackabl.com

9:00AM - 4:00PM

4:00PM - 8:00PM

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HOME IS WHERE

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SEptEmbEr 19 - 25, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

By Jay Betsill - @thefamousjay All Photos Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

THE STAR IS The Dallas Cowboys opened the season in front of a national television audience by providing a statement that they were the new and improved America’s Team by defeating the Super Bowl champion New York Giants on the road. Act II of the 2012 campaign was a resounding thud as they failed to capitalize on any momentum they may have had after 11 days off en route to a 27-7 loss to the Seattle Seahawks at CenturyLink

Cowboys Facts Bob Ryan of NFL Films dubbed the Boys “America’s Team” in 1978.

The Cowboys first 1000-yard rusher was Calvin Hill in 1972.

Field.

The game took a bad turn for Dallas (1-1) as Felix Jones continued his less-than-stellar play in his contract year by fumbling the opening kickoff that led to a field goal for Seattle. The Cowboys special teams struggles continued when Chris Jones had his punt blocked and returned for a touchdown. Before some fans in the notoriously loud stadium were even in their seats, Seattle was staked to a 10-0 lead. Running back Marshawn Lynch earned his nickname “The Beast” as he rushed for 122 yards and a touchdown while the Seahawks offensive line manhandled the Dallas defense at the line of scrimmage. The icing on the cake for the Cowboys special teams occurred late in the game when they were flagged for 12men on the field in the fourth quarter, leading to the Seahawks converting a fourth-and-1 rather than punting back to Dallas.

The play that truly defined how the Seahawks outmuscled the Cowboys occurred in the fourth quarter when Seattle wide receiver Golden Tate curled around, lined up and absolutely decleated Dallas linebacker Sean Lee with a vicious hit that while it did not draw a penalty flag from the replacement referees, will undoubtedly draw a fine from the league office. Lee would return five snaps later, but a SportsCenter highlight was already sealed.

“We stuck with our game plan: Run the ball, run the ball, run the ball, and eventually they’re going to get tired,” Tate said. “Our motto is play longer and harder than they can and then it started opening up in the pass game.”

Tony Romo finished 23 of 40 for 251 yards and one touchdown to Miles Austin. Running back DeMarco Murray was held to just 44 yards

Eddie LeBaron was the Cowboys first ever starting quarterback.

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The Cowboys recorded their first win in season number 2 against the Pittsburgh Steelers, 27-24.

on 12 carries and tight end Jason Witten had several key drops. Dallas was trying to open the season with consecutive wins for the first time since the 2008 season. Now the Cowboys return to Arlington for their home opener to battle the Tampa Bay Buccaneers while trying to figure out if they are going to resemble the team that thrived against the Giants in the season opener or the one that self-destructed in Seattle.

“This is a disappointment to us and an example to us about how to play at home,” Cowboys owner/general manager Jerry Jones said.

“I just thought we could, even though we started behind the eight ball, I thought we could come back and not only make this a game, but come out positive. But they had a lot to say about that. Their coaching and their preparation had a lot to say about what’s ended up right here.

We’ll just learn from this, and we all know we’re just starting.”

Tampa Bay (1-1) will be traveling to Cowboys Stadium dealing with some adversity of their own. Where the Cowboys were soundly beaten by Seattle, the Bucs had the game in control after three first half interceptions of Eli Manning gave them a 24-13 lead. The second half was a different story for Manning and Tampa Bay as the Giants’ quarterback would end the game completing 31 of 51 passes for 510 yards and three touchdowns. 295 yards passing came in the second half, tying for the eighth most in NFL history

The Cowboys first sellout crowd was against the Cleveland Browns in 1965.

Most interceptions in a season were nabbed by Everson Walls in 1981 with 11.

and coming up three yards short of Phil Simms’ club record. Bucs quarterback Josh Freeman, who passed for 243 yards and two touchdowns, contributed to the Giants comeback with two interceptions in the second half.

Look for the Cowboys to be active in the passing game on the heels of Manning’s near-record performance in slicing up the Bucs secondary.

Meanwhile the defense will have to contain Bucs 6’0, 247-pound running back LeGarrette Blount with more success than they had against the Seahawks’ Marshawn Lynch.

The first college player ever drafted by the Cowboys was Bob Lilly in the 1961 draft.

In 2011 the Texas license plate that reads COWBOYS fetched $11,500 at auction.

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September 19 - 25, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

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Chelsea

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

September 19 - 25, 2012

The Good Ol’ Hayes

13

NBC anchor Mark Hayes gets ready to tee off for charity

I

caught up with the newsman to talk about life in the Metroplex and the Simply Grace alcohol and drug recovery residence charity golf tournament.

What’s been your favorite thing about DFW since the move from Atlanta?

People are so much nicer and so much more pleasant.

Cowboys fan yet?

Man I’m trying. I grew up in NFC East territory and going to the Yale Bowl when the Giants played at Yale University back in the late 60s early 70s.

My dad was taking me to Giant games so I have been a fan ever since.

What moved you to be to become involved with the Simply Grace Golf Tournament?

I feel really passionate about what Anika [Cooper] is doing because it is a problem that effects every segment of society and there is never enough help out there for people who really want it and really need it. So to have somebody who’s passionate about trying to help folks who really are in need is extremely important. She helps people stand up and battle this problem head-on

By C. Patterson - cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

and get their lives turned around and get them back on their feet and productive again. Helping them feel good about themselves again, building their self-esteem because that’s a big part of conquering any addiction – feeling good about who you are.

so different because they are so pleasant, so cordial, so focused and they really want to win.

I love that about our morning crew. We like to have fun too. We had Kendra Lyn get engaged on the air and people were jumping around

doing cartwheels and genuinely excited for her.

You know it’s rare in the TV industry where we naturally compete against each other, to really have a sense of teamwork. I’m really enjoying that atmosphere.

Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

What’s your golf game like?

My golf game on the good days it’s horrible and the bad days it’s even worse. I can probably play two or three good holes and then the next 15 are just terrible. Thank goodness this is not a residential area. I’ve been known to break a window or two. If I can hit them straight instead of shanking them I’d be a great golfer.

Who has become your NBC BFF? I’d have to say Newy Scruggs and obviously Deborah [Ferguson] she’s my partner. She is so sweet and so nice. She’s like the mayor. I mean she knows everybody on the Fort Worth side of town and all the players on the Dallas side of town.

Having her is like having the DFW encyclopedia she can tell you what places are important, what to eat, which is hugely important to me. I’ve got to know the right places to go to eat. But Deborah has been awesome and Newy is just a cool soul.

The whole morning show group is so unique and

Simply Grace founder Anika Cooper

If you would like to be part of or donate to the 1st Annual Simply Grace Golf Tournament with celebrity golf cart girl Dawn Neufeld on Tuesday September 25th at Bear Creek Country Club log onto www.simplygracehouse.com and find out how.

Tobacco-Free Campuses

By Ethan Harmon - blackstar4556@gmail.com

T

he University of Texas at Dallas has recently decided to campaign to create a smoke-free environment for its facilities. Until the fall 2012 semester, UTD has allowed its students to partake in their habit, should they so choose, so long as the smoking was at least twenty-five feet away from an entrance or window. The college, in association with Cancer Prevention and Research Institute of Texas (CPRIT), has now joined with other schools around the nation to prevent tobacco use on its premises.

Following the lead of the various Collin County Community College campuses, the University of Texas at Arlington, and Midwestern State University, cigarettes, cigars, pipe tobacco, hookah, and electronic cigarettes are slowly being banned from the school grounds.

This rise against tobacco products (and the prevention of cancer) is a very understandable cause. The campaign wants to prevent disease with not only smokers themselves, but also those

who may be exposed to second-hand smoke. And because it is a proven cause of various illnesses, the idea of ridding campuses of the product seems like a no-brainer. Plus, one cannot forget that some students may be pressured – forcefully or not – into trying tobacco, potentially hooking them onto the substance. The harm that can come from tobacco products is high.

But, on the flip-side of things, the campaign itself is forcefully pushing its mandate on the campus, and in turn, the smokers. Now, this article is not advocating the idea of smoking nor is it promoting it, but if one does decide to indulge in tobacco products, it is a choice. Cigarettes are harmful, sure, but the people who use them should not be punished or singled-out because of their habit.

They chose to partake in tobacco consumption and followed the rules (standing away from entrances, not contaminating the classrooms) of the school. Now, to force smokers to give up their habit because a campaign wishes it to is asinine.

Campuses, and the CPRIT, have every right to ban smoking.

It is a terrible, nasty habit and a potentially harmful one at that.

But, in this writer’s opinion, the schools, and the CPRIT, should spend more time enlightening others; perhaps placing a less strict set of rules for smokers to follow. Smoking is a choice, but it should not be one that invites punishment.

Illustration by Leon Sketchbook Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

14

SEptEmbEr 19 - 25, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

Hollywood Profile

By Vivian Fullerlove - vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com

Justin Timberlake

J

ustin Timberlake has evolved from the lead singer of the mega boy band N’Sync, to a bona fide Hollywood leading man. Since 2006’s Alpha Dog, Timberlake has racked up an impressive number of solid performances on the big screen. He delivers what many are calling his best performance yet in the new drama Trouble with the Curve starring Clint Eastwood and Amy Adams. Eastwood plays an ailing baseball scout in his twilight years who takes his daughter Mickey (Adams) along for one last recruiting trip. I sat down with Timberlake who talked about what it was like to work with one of his role models.

such unique ways, and it’s very grounded, and I think was well written.

Tell us about your character Johnny and what attracted you to this film?

I play an ex pro baseball player. What I love about this character and all of the relationships in the movie is how they are sort of interwoven in

So while you guys share a great bond, it takes a toll on the relationship between Gus and his daughter Mickey.

Mickey and Gus have such an estranged relationship based on time they’ve missed out on, and I think Johnny comes into the movie and becomes a threat between the two. He can see the things in Mickey that would keep her from connecting with Gus and vice versa the things in Gus that would keep him from connecting with his own daughter; so, I think he serves up an interesting threat between the two and offers up some pretty sage advice to her.

ESCAPES

T BLITZ-To-Go

You Like. You Follow. You Win.

You can catch Eastwood and Timberlake on a big screen near you when Trouble with the Curve opens this weekend in theater’s nationwide.

The film is rated PG-13 for language, sexual references, some thematic material and smoking.

this done at other restaurants, and I am kind of a picky about my guacamole (my wife’s is the best.)

But I can tell you that this was some great guac with not too much onion or spice. We inhaled the dip before our entrees were even close to the table.

My wife ordered the Jonny’s tacos. Jonny’s tacos are basically street tacos dressed up for a night on the town. The tacos were tender pork stuffed between a corn tortilla with avocado, white cheese and a spicy chili sauce. I could tell she really liked them because when I asked for a bite, Cristina’s Place she would not share. I had the carne asada with steak. Talk about good. This time I would not

By Blake Zipoy - bzipoy@hotmail.com the shrimp relleno. The carne asada is basically a ex-Mex cuisine is pretty common in North pan-fried flank steak, which was tender and juicy. share with my wife.

One thing I noticed on the menu for dessert was Texas, but finding a nice variety beyond It felt like it was better suited for a fajita, but it the traditional enchiladas and tacos is al- served its purpose. The shrimp relleno was really fried ice cream. I was way to full for dessert, but ways welcome. Cristina’s Fine Mexican good. The poblano pepper is stuffed with good- after seeing the fried ice cream being served at Restaurant offers a unique approach to Tex-Mex sized shrimp and delicious vegetables mixed in a the table next to mine, I almost turned around and went back to my table to order me some. with a few surprises. flavorful sauce. I was really digging this part of the meal, but look out. I got a couple of seeds and BLITZ-WORTHY ATMOSPHERE the hot spice knocked me down for a second. But There are 11 Cristina’s locations across the with the great flavor, I kept right on eating, spice Cristina’s Fine Mexican Restaurant is a blitz-worthy Metroplex. I have been to a couple of them, and all. The carne asada and shrimp relleno place for a nice night out for a great meal at a namely the Lewisville and Plano locations. The is a nice-sized meal. With the guacamole and reasonable price. My advice is when you go eat at Cristina’s, try something you don’t usually find at a atmosphere is old Mexican hard wood and rustic the shrimp relleno, I Tex-Mex restaurant, Cristina will not let you down. stucco. The locations are all native to Dallas/Fort was full and took the Worth and each restaurant has its own unique carne asada home charm with none of the sterile, cookie-cutter feel for a late night snack. of your basic chain restaurant.

The waiter was even nice enough FOOD to get me a couple The menu displays common choices and like I of tortillas. One tip, said earlier, some tasty surprises. We started off save the sauce from with the guacamole salad. The waiter makes the the shrimp relleno guacamole right at the table. Now, I have had and pour it over the Cristina’s Fine Mexican Restaurant - Several Metroplex Locations - www.cristinasmex.com

PLATE

Your Favorite Publication Has Gone Mobile

Your character is also a bit of a surrogate son to Clint Eastwood’s character. Tell us about the relationship between those two.

Having that relationship with Clint’s character, Gus, there’s kind of a father-son thing going on, I imagine for any scout, as well, you’d have to get so attached to the young players that you become almost a coach and a father figure to them. There’s so much that you learn about life through sports.

Clint Eastwood is by far one of my favorites…a living film icon. What was it like working with him?

He’s just a great man. The same way Tommy Lasorda personifies everything about baseball, I think Clint personifies everything that’s great about our industry. To say that he’s a role model of mine would be a great understatement. It’s no mystery that I would love to direct one day, and getting to watch him, even though he didn’t direct this film, getting to watch him put his fingerprint on the movie, he’s just a legend. He’s Clint Eastwood. So, getting to trade lines with him, between every take, you’re sort of walking away pinching yourself.

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

September 19 - 25, 2012

Poetic Justice

15

Photo Courtesy: Andrew Gura

By C. Patterson - cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

A

bout 14 years ago I was turned on to a powerful voice in the world of poetry. He was gritty, talented, and knew words that kept me running to dictionaries and concepts that kept me scouring the Internet, his name was Saul Williams. At the time his thoughts and ideas stretched the limits of my knowledge of self and my grasp of existentialism, but over time I read and read some more and with each word I stepped that much deeper into the mind of someone I viewed as uniquely brilliant. Fast-forward over a decade and I found myself on a collision course with one of the brightest young minds on the planet in the realm of poetry and literature. Saul spoke with me fresh on the heels of the release of his new book CHORUS: a Literary Mixtape. The following are excerpts from a half an hour-long conversation via Skype with a man who is as charismatic as he is enigmatic. He is the one and only Saul Williams.

How has the Parisian experience been?

It’s enlightening. I think that it’s always good to travel so I find the experience enlightening regardless of where I am. There’s a history to Paris and even while being in this country while reading James Baldwin, Chester Himes, and Richard Wright can be enlightening in a new way [pauses for a moment]…yeah it’s wonderful.

I was reading about you learning the French language and becoming more immersed in the culture and I know you already know Portuguese, what’s the next place that you want to travel to and get a real feel for?

I would love to learn one of the languages indigenous to Africa such as Wolof or Kenyan, Rwandan or Zulu or Bambara. I would love to learn one of those languages. I did a little bit with Wolof last summer when I shot a film in Senegal for two months and had to learn a bit for the film – not enough to carry on a real conversation, but I would love to learn one of those languages.

What can we expect from Chorus?

Well, you might be able to expect to be offended.

Honestly, I’m pretty fed up with the big picture

of popular culture and entertainment and all those things. So a lot of times when I’m releasing material my goal is to disrupt the calm. There are 100 voices in this book that are not my own but I chose to weave like one and a lot of those voices are women and a lot of those voices are angry. And I would say that they have every right to be angry. I just wanted to provide a platform for some venting along with moments of beauty and grandeur and all that stuff. It all depends on the individual, as far as, what they can expect.

Maybe they can expect a confirmation of what they already see and what they already believe and maybe they can expect to be jolted from their beliefs or realities based on someone else’s reasoning.

You mentioned your thoughts on being fed up with the current state of pop culture. What are your thoughts on mainstream artists, who pretend to be part of the counter-culture, but in actuality are a huge part of the machine?

[Laughs] I mean c’mon, it has happened all throughout history. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I have been there with you a lot of times frustrated when I see…I don’t know…Jay-Z

in a Che Guevara t-shirt. But why not? [Throws hands up in the air] The feeling is exactly that, you throw your hands up in the air and you’re like [again motioning his hands up the air in the classic “I don’t know pose”]. Sometimes you’re like “I’m proud of you, that’s cool” and other times you’re like “You’re an idiot that’s bullshit.”

So it depends. At the end of the day I don’t discriminate on someone being mainstream and part of pop culture. There are lots of pop artists that I appreciate like I named Jay-Z, I actually like Jay-Z I like saying that because I can remember when I didn’t, but his maturity in recent years has made me appreciate him more. But that’s kind of arrogant to say because it could be my maturity that made me like him more. Who knows? The machine is the problem not the artist. My job is to destroy the machine.

When you were compiling the material for your latest book and you were reflecting on the body of work, how much has changed or how little has changed since the poems were originally written?

That cliché that says, “the more things change, the more they remain the same” unfortunately is a

cliché because it’s true. So yes there are always major steps that have happened from gay rights to women’s rights to who is in office that has never been in office and all those things are all strives that we can be proud of but I think we could easily be like what the fuck it took you that long to realize that? Most of the time that’s where I’m sitting.

A lot of times in poetry it’s individual growth that’s being evaluated or chronicled in someone’s work and the individual process is almost always the same whether we are talking about 100 years ago or now. The individual process of breaking from your insecurities and finding the connections between the present and the past or between your feelings and your fears and all those things will always be valid regardless of when it occurs.

So in that sense you can have ancient poets that sound really modern and modern poets that sound really old. Most things will never really change – human sentiment the realm of emotion and the process and growth. Those things will never really change. A flower blossoms and grows the same way it did a thousand years ago.

Come see and hear Saul at the Sons of Hermann Hall September 25.

Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

16

SEptEmbEr 19 - 25, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

gearshift: 2012 RAM 1500

I

The Ram Repeats as Top Tailgater

n a “déjà vu” moment this week, Ram has repeated as Top Tailgater on the KBB.com 10 Best Tailgating Cars list. The Ram 1500 took top honors to kick off football season last year and it wears that crown again as we once again prepare for the fall ritual.

“Pick up some friends, stop by the store, park near a stadium and you’ve got yourself a tailgate party. But just as the right food and drink can elevate the experience, so too can the right car,” said Jack R. Nerad, executive editorial director and executive market analyst for Kelley Blue Book’s KBB.com “In choosing this year’s Best Tailgating Cars, the KBB.com editors vetted our favorite vehicle features for parking-lot party fun and came up with a list of 10 vehicles that are sure to delight pigskin fans across America.”

The top two spots are occupied by pickups, rightly so, with the remainder of the top five being sport utes and crossovers. Obviously “tailgating” is getting less about the physical device and more about the visceral experience as these cute utes lack the defining feature the activity was named

By David Goodspeed - dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com Photos Courtesy: Ram

for.

But I digress.

Back to the top Tailgaters for 2012 and the 2012 F-150 follows behind the 2012 Ram. Both Ford and Ram have new trucks coming this football season but apparently none were available to vie for this year’s title.

Behind the two trucks are the 2012 Toyota 4Runner, 2013 Mazda CX-5, and 2012 Kia Soul (yes, the one with the hamsters, and we’ve seen those party animals in action).

2012 Ram 1500 Lone Star Crew Cab 4x4 The Chrysler Group celebrated its 10th year of producing a Lone Star edition Ram pickup for the No. 1 truck market but unfortunately this anniversary edition fell a bit short.

Sure, it was on the Crew Cab 4x4 1500 but the package was so underwhelming compared to previous versions. Ram fell a bit short of the unofficial state slogan of “everything’s bigger in Texas” by outfitting the truck with such subtle

badging that it went unnoticed by many. Shame.

Still, the Ram 1500 is a good truck, with its emphasis leaning more towards the comfort side of things than the work aspect pickups have been historically known for.

Over the past decade or so truck buyers have enlisted their (half-ton) pickups for domestic duties as opposed to industrial or bucolic chores now being performed by larger, heavier duty ¾- and 1-ton models.

Not too long after we brought you the 2013 Ram 1500 debut at the New York Auto Show the automaker brought me the 2012 Lone Star truck for a week. I still like the Ram if I am not towing anything significant or hauling an oversized payload – Ram’s domestic competitors handle that abuse a bit better.

I don’t want to call the Ram 1500 a “fancy” truck because it is not but it sure can shine up

iPhone 5 The revolution may not be televised, but it will be on 4G LTE. Apple just made every kid’s (and kid at heart) Christmas list with the unveiling of the iPhone 5. It is a 4-inch widescreen, Retina display having, A6 processor packing, HD FaceTime camera snapping, all-new Lightning connecting bad mofo and you just can’t wait until it’s in the palm of your hand. Pardon me…I just gave myself a woody. ($200-$400)

Hardcore Hatchet The Hardcore Hatchet may not have the 4G capability of the iPhone 5, but it sure can give those Corn Kids some FaceTime should they break through the basement door. The handcrafted axes are made in the good old US of A and have an 18-inch American Hickory handle that is painted with an awesome finish. Survival never looked so snazzy. ($45)

SpareOne Emergency Phone So you’re stuck in the basement and the Children of the Corn are coming to sacrifice you to ‘he who walks behind the rows’ and your cell phone battery is dead…what are you to do?

Just whip out your SpareOne Emergency Phone and call the Sheriff. The GSM cell is powered by one AA battery and the phone also has a geo-located emergency button and a built-in LED torch light. Now all you need is some holy water. ($60) VISIt US OnLInE at www.bLItzwEEkLy.cOm

good when heading out for a night on the town while still being able to get down and dirty with some of the best of them.

In the half-ton pickup segment, the truck wars are heating up yet again (actually, they never died down) with fuel economy battles all the rage. The next Ram will see the new corporate Pentastar V-6 (although there are reports Chrysler has had a few minor issues with some of them) that, along with new eight-speed gearbox and electric power steering should put them tops in the mpg column at least for a little while.

The outgoing tailgate champ offers fuel economy ratings of 13 mpg and 19 mpg via the 5.7-liter V-8 HEMI engine and its six-speed automatic gearbox, even in 4WD running gear. Pricing for the 2012 we tested began at $35,790 with the final tally coming to just over 43 grand.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?

A: Pull some strings.

Q: What’s the best thing about dating homeless chicks?

A: You can drop them off anywhere.

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A: A cherry float.

Now That’s Amore!

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

SEptEmbEr 19 - 25, 2012

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back.

I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”

Virgo August 23 – September 22 Your reputation as a great conversationalist will be challenged on Friday, when you’re asked about a topic other than fantasy football.

Libra September 23 – October 22 Being the analytical thinker that you are, you will be thrown into a conundrum when trying to solve Saturday’s Sudoku puzzle.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 You’ll succeed beyond your wildest expectations this week when you take first place in a wing eating contest and then minutes later, win the wing-vomiting contest as well.

17

BLITZ FUNNYS

YOU CAN’T PLAY THESE ORGANS September 7, 2012, former medical examiner Dr. Michael Berkland, 57, was arrested and released on $10,000 bail, charged with improper storage of hazardous waste. Dr. Berkland was accused of using a Pensacola, Florida, storage facility to keep more than 100 containers of preserved human brains, hearts, lungs and other organs.

“YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ..?”

The Dallas Morning News, September 12, 2012, tells of Garland, Texas, police officer Patrick Tuter, who crashed his squad car into a vehicle

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 You’ve known about the “copy” keyboard shortcut for a while now, but you’ll be amazed at what you can do now that you know the “paste” shortcut.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 As a proud father of four, you’ll feel like the richest man in the world after selling them to a group of Guatemalans for a hefty sum on the black market.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 The folks at the local animal shelter won’t be impressed with your new taxidermy hobby.

driven by suspect Michael Vincent Allen, 25, before firing his department-issued semiautomatic weapon at the vehicle, reloading, firing again, reloading, firing again, for a total of 41 times - killing Allen (who was unarmed) …so a police dog could drag the body by its neck to the ground, so its dead hands could be handcuffed. (Witness Mitchell Wallace cellphonevideoed the shooting, causing police to confiscate, then keep his cellphone for four days.)

IS THE WORLD ON BACKWARD? Just work hard and pay your bills, right? After Bradley Birkenfeld, 47, a former banker at UBS (Union Bank Of Switzerland), completed less than three years in prison for conspiring with a wealthy California developer to evade U.S. income taxes, the IRS acknowledged giving him a $104 million whistleblower award for revealing Swiss banking secrets.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 Your longtime wish for a better poker face will come to fruition this weekend after suffering a stroke.

Gemini May 21 – June 21 Your decision to purchase cargo pants was solely based on how many beers they could hold.

Aries March 21 – April 19 Sure everyone is laughing at you now, but they’ll soon have to stop to catch their breath.

Cancer June 22 – July 22 While it’s true that there is a saying that we always hurt the ones we love, it doesn’t mention anything about using an axe.

Taurus April 20 – May 20 You’ve always been a “glass half-full” type, but that’ll change this week when you start drinking.

ACROSS 1. Washed-out 6. Flutter 10. Small island 14. Leave out 15. Den 16. Principal 17. Roof overhangs 18. Doing nothing 19. Subconscious 20. Sin 22. How old we are 23. Consume 24. Indian instrument 26. Very tall buildings 30. Braised meat stew 32. Excrete 33. Acts that cause fear or panic 37. Tidy 38. Pursue 39. Hawkeye State 40. Besmirch

42. Deadly 43. Oral cavity 44. Empathize 45. Conducts 47. Ambition 48. Stop 49. Combine together 56. Decorative case 57. Apply 58. Hermit 59. Start over 60. Beige 61. A chemical compound 62. Beasts of burden 63. 500 sheets 64. Stalks

Leo July 23 – August 22 For some reason you still don’t think your bail should get bigger every time you’re arrested.

DOWN 1. 3 in a yard 2. Winglike 3. Opera star 4. Biblical garden 5. After dinner treat 6. Coquetry 7. Stow, as cargo 8. Afflicts 9. Coerce 10. Extraneous 11. Type of antelope 12. A protective covering 13. Terminates 21. Petrol 25. Nigerian tribesman 26. Care for 27. Curved molding 28. Withdraw gradually 29. Appraisal 30. Demise 31. Backside 33. Not this

34. Greek letter 35. Smack 36. Man 38. Social reformer 41. Deity 42. Women 44. 18-wheeler 45. Type of rubber 46. Avoid 47. Phonograph disc 48. Protagonist 50. A ceremonial staff 51. Emanation 52. The bulk 53. Initial wager 54. Abound 55. Makes a mistake

Solution on Page 18 FOLLOw bLItz wEEkLy On twIttEr and FacEbOOk

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SEptEmbEr 19 - 25, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

THE CLOSER

THE

Pocketful of Peens

ANSWER GUY

Thorned Not Scorned

WITH

ARTHUR BELLFIELD

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

Dear Arthur, So my ex just became a porn star. The problem is that while we were together she barely did anything with me. So it has me wondering, how do I unleash the inner sexual beasts of women and stop being the lame guy?

call of dooty Out of all the schmucks, assholes and peens, there is one who stands alone. One who broke me down to a shell of myself. One who turned me into one of those pathetic, yippy-yap twits.

You know the ones. She can only talk about her ex-boyfriend. She somehow finds an “organic way” to bring his name into the conversation.

News flash bitch! No one cares and he’s a sorry excuse for a man. Take his name out of your vocabulary forever. The joyous news is that my heart is completely patched up and his face has faded away from my daily thoughts. Now I am grateful I escaped his sub-par, mediocre ass and I’m shining like the bright spark I should be.

But before the shit hit the fan with this one, the shit hit the sheets.

It had been several months of a romantic courtship. And as young twenty-somethings do, we took our relationship to the next level - the sex level. After an “I love you” and sexual anticipation mounting, temptation won the battle. Good sex.

Good chemistry. Just one little problem.

Although we’d been dating for several months, we hadn’t reached the point where we were comfortable talking about any bodily functions other than ejaculation. No potty humor here.

Although no discussion of bathroom talk was shared between us, my guy was sharing something on my white sheets. We engaged in an afternoon sexual romp one day during the lunch hour. After we said our goodbyes, I went to make the bed and spied a foreign streak on the delicate, soft fabric. I still remember the first time I noticed the substance and the image is burned into my brain.

I instinctively went to brush it off, but nothing was coming off. I guess completely blinded by love, my first thought was, “Are my boyfriends freckles rubbing off on my sheets?” Wow that must have

Signed, Lioness tamer

Photo Courtesy: Julie de Waroquier

really been true, slap your face, kick you in the crotch, heart-struck love. I don’t believe it’s physically possible to rub off your freckles, no matter how hard you’re banging. I looked a little closer and yelled, “Oh shit is that shit?!” I was mortified and embarrassed for him.

I dramatically flung my sheets off my bed in a hasty manor, blubbering obscenities.

I grabbed every disinfecting substance I could find in my tiny apartment. I probably made a bomb in my washing machine with all the bleach, Clorox and Tide I mixed together. Those were some expensive sheets. I couldn’t bop off to Bed Bath and Beyond every time he decided to wipe his ass mid-sex. This girl’s on a budget!

A few sex sessions passed and he didn’t stamp my sheets with his poopy bum. I was relieved and hoped this was a onetime occurrence. Like all good things often do, the streak of streak-free sex came to an end. The bastard did it again. And not just one more time, three or four. I had my disinfecting bomb down to a science. Every time I cleaned the sheets, I was sure I’d burn a hole in them with the strong blend of chemicals.

I had a heart-to-heart with myself and decided I needed to confront him with this

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disgusting situation. One day we were sitting on the couch. I braced myself, held my breath and asked the question no girl ever wants to ask her boyfriend. “Not to make you uncomfortable, but are you leaving poop on my sheets?” His face turned bright red and he buried his head in the couch pillow and said “Yes! I don’t wipe very well.”

What in the Sam Hill are you doing, a grownass man, not knowing how to wipe after a dump? Forgive me for being refined, but isn’t this something you learned in the kindergarten era?

Instead of this weird-as-hell conversation making me run, my infatuated heart hugged him and we laughed it off. I should have said “peace out” after the first “call of dooty” slam on my sheets.

Lesson learned and new sheets purchased.

There are many more tales involving this man.

Luckily no more that involve him dumping all over my sheets, just metaphorically dumping all over my heart. I can’t even think of a cautionary statement to end with. This is too ridiculous, foul and probably never happened to anyone before.

I guess, word to the wise, wipe your ass if you’re planning on smacking it. Common sense, or so I would’ve thought.

Thanks to the Internet, we’re all porn stars!

Heck even your favorite Answer Guy has filmed a girl or two while ravaging her body with my Fifty Shades of Gray type sex arsenal. But, we’re not here to discuss my attempts at sexual bravado. However thanks to them…I’m more than equipped to help you.

I have a sacred belief that everyone has a little kinkiness in them. The trick is that not everyone can bring out that freakiness in just anyone. Take the girl I’m dating for example, she had a habit of stopping herself from having an orgasm and an even harder time allowing herself to squirt!

Many women feel like they’re going to have either an asthma attack or violently pee on their partner in these circumstances.

The thing is you have to make a woman feel comfortable in any situation, especially when it comes to having sex. Let her whisper in your ear all of the dirty little secret fantasies she’s never told anyone. Once she does that; act upon those fantasies!

There’s a lot of sexual diversity out there that many people tend to shy away from. That’s BORING! I tell people daily that if the sex is boring then someone is going to either cheat or leave! If you want to go from being lame in bed to bringing a woman to the orgasmic Hall of Fame, then you need to take these words to heart! I’m going to coin a phrase right here and now “STEP UP YOUR SEX!”

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 2

SEptEmbEr 19 - 25, 2012

19

Birthday

party SEPTEMBER 15 – DUKE’S ORIGINAL ROADHOUSE A Special Thank You to Our Sponsors and to Our Readers It Was A Great Night & We All Got Blitzed!

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