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Kareem is in the house

SAFE AT HOME? By Drew Davis

SEptEmbEr 5 - 11, 2012

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 52

SEptEmbEr 5 - 11, 2012

on deck

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

State of the Texas union

I SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Bad Boys 3 Out of Left Field 4 Big 12 Preview 5 SEC Preview 5 SMU Preview 5 UNT Preview 5 Death of the Diva Receiver 6 Rise of the Rookie Quarterback 7 Jerry’s World 8 COVER STORY Safe at Home 10 -11 BLITZ ENTERTAINMENT Stephanie 12 It Girl: Kristen Bell 14 Plate Escapes 14 J.G.L. Interview 15 Gear Shift: 2012 Jaguar XF 16 Respect the Tech 16 BLITZ FUNNYS Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 THE CLOSER Pocketful of Peens 18 The Answer Girl 18

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Graphic Designer Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mateeka Lanee, Mark Miller Contributing Photographers

Derek A.R. , Keith Allison, Rich Anderson, Chad C., Drew Davis, Amanda DeLonge, David Jones, K.T. King, Alexander Kurashev, Joe Lorenzini, Matthew Lynch, Angie Six, Rick Star Contributing Writers Arthur Bellﬁeld, Jay Betsill, Sonny Capps, Drew Davis, Stephen Evans, Paul Grange, Jan Hubbard, Posie Pockets, Blake Zipoy

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the ofﬁce at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

nspired by the upcoming election, I decided to ask people which Texas college football team I should focus on this week. Well, the votes were varied and the conversations got hostile. Texas college football is proving more divisive than our two-party system. So this week it’s a run down of quickies about some of your favorite teams:

Texas A&M September 8th is going to be a serious football day in College Station. Florida will be coming into Aggie territory for A&M’s SEC opener. After watching the Gators’ offense struggle to work together it looks like there will be a party at Kyle Field. Baylor The big question with the Baylor Bears is how they will fare without Robert Griffin III at the helm throughout the season. Senior QB Nick Florence needs to step out from under his shadow and push hard for wins in order to secure that 13th game. It’ll be interesting to see if this ends up being a rebuilding year for the Bears. Texas Tech This is a make or break season Red Raiders’ coach Tommy Tuberville. Last season the defense allowed 485.6 yards and 39.3 points per game. Six of the nine junior transfers signed by Tuberville are on defense, so it seems like he is serious about not repeating last year’s awful stats.

Texas Longhorn fans should be excited about the offseason progress of sophomore QB David Ash. He started the year with a solid showing and managed to complete passes to 10 different receivers. The defense played well but must work on consistency. One minute they are racking up interceptions and the next they allow an 82yard touchdown pass. In the coming weeks, the team should be on track to improve into a more cohesive team. TCU This is a big year for the Horned Frogs as they start the season in a completely renovated stadium and in a new conference. This new era has TCU poised to do some damage in the BCS and make it to the top 10. But if things don’t go as planned, they will definitely play the role of spoiler later on in the season.

bad boys bad boys

SMU Mustangs’ Coach June Jones almost won his 3rd Conference USA West Division title in 2011. This year could turn out different as the program plays it’s last year in the league before moving on to the Big East. And luck must be with Coach Jones and the SMU fans when former UT quarterback Garrett Gilbert transferred to the program. UNT Last week LSU laid some hurt on the boys up in Denton, but they are determined to bounce back. The key to this season will be the return of QB Derek Thompson and his experienced group of receivers. And last year’s win total matched the two previous seasons combined, so there’s a small bit of momentum that can carry this team through a tough season.

uncle walter on Clint Eastwood and invisible Obama

If two people looked like jackasses that night, I’d rather be the invisible one.

To all the other alumni and fans, don’t worry. I’ll make sure to pick different schools for the next quick rundown.

All Funked Up George Clinton is having a crappy week. The musical legend just found out he owes the staggering sum of $136, 281.33 or 80,166 Doritos Locos Tacos in back taxes from 2007 to 2010, which would have anyone in a funk. The now 71-year-old P-Funk architect will have to work a lot of overtime hours as a Walmart greeter to cover that bill.

3 years ProBABEtion Former Miss Arizona Teen USA, Tori Vance, got the best plea deal ever for her DUI case. Back in May the 18year-old was hit with a DUI during a Hollywood arrest, but plead not guilty of being intoxicated. She did however plead no contest to reckless driving and was given three years probation. FOLLOw bLItz wEEkLy On twIttEr and FacEbOOk

SEptEmbEr 5 - 11, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 52 Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

UPCOMING SCHEDULE: 9/5 @ROYALS 7:10 P.M. 9/6 @ROYALS 7:10 P.M. 9/7 @RAYS 6:10 P.M. 9/8 @RAYS 6:10 P.M. 9/9 @RAYS 12:40 P.M. 9/11 INDIANS 7:05 P.M.

By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com

winning continues, yet not pulling away

et’s get this straight. After losing their first three games to the New York Yankees in mid-August, the Texas Rangers won their next five series and posted an 11-4 record yet still couldn’t pull away from Oakland in the American League West division race. Thanks to nine straight victories through Sunday, the Athletics cut the deficit to just three games, the lowest between Texas and the second-place team since June 11 (2.5 games). But as is typical of the Rangers, they aren’t too worried with one month left in the season. “Overall we’re where we want to be,” said Manager Ron Washington last week. “We’ve played good baseball. If we go into Cleveland and continue to win series, we’ll be all right.” By winning two of three last weekend in Ohio, the Rangers not only ended a strong August but started September on a good note. “The only thing we’re concerned about is ourselves,” Washington said. “We’re not worried about anyone else. The key is to keep winning series.” Texas won both of its series last week as it ended a 10-game homestand at 7-3 with victories in two of three games against the Tampa Bay Rays. “We just want to continue playing good baseball,” said second baseman Ian Kinsler. “We did that this homestand. You could say we came out of our shell a bit and played pretty well. But there’s still a long way to go.” An August to remember As the Rangers roll into September, it’s worth noting their turnaround from the previous month. After a 9-14 record in July, they rebounded to 18-9 in August. “Maybe it took a little longer for us to get hot but you will have stretches where you are not playing well,” said designated hitter-infielder Michael

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Young. “Baseball is a skill game and when things don’t go your way, mentally you have to get through it.” It was a combination of strong hitting and pitching that fueled the team’s August success. On offense, five players hit better than .300 for the month led by David Murphy at .366. Others were Elvis Andrus (.339), Adrian Beltre (.333), Mitch Moreland (.329) and Josh Hamilton (.310). Hamilton further broke out of a two-month slump with a team-leading seven home runs and 28 runs batted in. On the mound, newcomer Ryan Dempster won four of five decisions and fellow starter Matt Harrison collected three wins. The relief staff was solid with six pitchers at a 2.38 earned run average or less. Leading the way was Mark Lowe (0.00 earned run average in five games after returning from the disabled list), Mike Adams (2-0 record, 0.82 ERA in 12 appearances) and Robbie Ross (1.80 ERA in 13 games). Royals, Rays on road before home After leaving Cleveland, the Rangers began a four-game series at Kansas City that continues Wednesday and Thursday. Then it’s on to Tampa Bay for the weekend before returning home next Tuesday against the Indians. The Royals split their 10 games before Sunday to stand at 60-73, behind both Chicago and Detroit by 12 games in the A.L. Central Division. The Rays continue in the hunt for both the American League East title or a wild-card spot. Their 73-61 record put them just 3.5 games behind the Yankees in the division and 1.5 games behind Baltimore in the wild card race. “We’re playing the way we’re capable of playing,” Washington said. “It will be a challenge the rest of the way. September will be telling.”

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 52

BIG 12 Preview By Paul Grange – @BlitzWeekly

84 ways to Skin a Wildcat

his Saturday when the Oklahoma State Cowboys take on the Wildcats of Arizona two things will be fresh in the felines minds: 1) the 84-0 molly-whopping that OSU just handed Savannah State in the battle of crushed self-esteem and 2) the swift and sharp 37-14 loss to the Cowboys last season. What’s changed since Zona tasted cruel defeat on the same date last year? The Cowboys are minus WR Justin Blackmon, who caught 12 passes for 128 yards and scored two touchdowns on the Cats and QB Brandon Weeden, who racked up 397 yards in the air. So all things considered, the Wildcats should feel pretty good about that. On the other hand the Cowboys are returning with a young man named Joseph Randle who the Arizona fans may remember as the guy that ran like Forrest Gump all over their defense for 121 yards on 15 carries reaching the end zone twice. What do we know about the 2012 OSU Cowboys? We know that they can put numbers on the board. Ok so last week they played the Richardson Elementary School of the Blind, but 84 points in a football game is an offensive feat regardless of who you are playing. The Milwaukee Bucks can’t score 84 points in double overtime. And chew on this, OSU freshman QB Wes Lunt went 11-for-11 with 129 yards in his debut. Their annihilation of Savannah State in week one allowed the team to gel, which in turn spells bad news for the Cats. Last time the two schools met Wildcats QB Nick Foles had a solid performance, but this year he’ll be too busy trying to keep the third-string quarterback spot of the Philadelphia Eagles squad to help his alma mater. Arizona now relies

Photo Courtesy: K.T. King

on senior Matt Scott’s capable hands as he’s coming off a convincing performance completing 30 of 46 for 387 yards and two TDs in the 24-17 overtime win over Toledo. The win gave Zona’s first-year head coach Rich Rodriguez a chance to breathe easy although undoubtedly the upcoming game against OSU will send him to CVS for some TUMS. Game Info: #18 OSU vs. ARIZONA SAT. SEPT. 8 - 9:30PM / PAC-12 NETWORK Arizona Stadium

September 5 - 11, 2012

SEC Preview By Stephen Evans – comments@blitzweekly.com

aggies face huge early test

week of uncertainty is followed by what’s sure to be a week of anticipation in College Station, as the Texas A&M Aggies will finally kick off their much-anticipated 2012 season. But their induction into the SEC will be anything but routine, as the Florida Gators make the trek to Aggieland, so do the bright lights and hoopla associated with ESPN’s College GameDay. The Aggies were originally scheduled to begin the season against Louisiana Tech, but Hurricane Isaac forced the postponement of that game and the debut of new head coach Kevin Sumlin and freshman starting quarterback Johnny Manziel, who is set to become the first freshman quarterback to start an A&M season-opener since 1944. Fortunately for Texas A&M, these aren’t the Tim Tebow Florida Gators. Former University of Texas coach-in-waiting Will Muschamp is still trying to clean up the mess left behind from Urban Meyer’s abrupt departure.

Photo Courtesy: photo-gator

Florida is hardly the behemoth that began the SEC’s streak of six straight national championships in 2006, but the Gators will pose a formidable test and a challenging kickoff to the Aggies’ SEC reign. Florida put together a workman-like 27-14 win over Bowling Green to start the season. And though they entered that game with their quarterback competition still in doubt, the Gators seem to have settled on sophomore Jeff Driskel. He finished 10-of-16 for 114 yards and a touchdown, though 50 of those yards came on one play. But watch out for tailback Mike Gillislee, who rushed for 148 yards and two touchdowns. He just might be the next great Gator back. No doubt Kyle Field will be rocking, and the eyes of college football will be on College Station thanks to ESPN’s blanket coverage. And, with a mid-afternoon September kickoff, the sweltering heat should favor the home team. The challenge for A&M will be overcoming the normal sloppy play and jitters always lurking during the season opener. Florida has already been through that process. The Aggies will need to do it on the fly, but if they can manage their emotions, they could be looking at a statement victory to start SEC play. Game Info: #24 FLORIDA vs. TEXAS A&M SAT. SEPT. 8 - 2:30PM / ESPN KYLE FIELD

SMU North Texas Mustangs Mean Green

By Sonny Capps – hhhup88@gmail.com

two wrongs don’t make a right

ut two Johnsons and a Thompson might… Sometimes, as in life, getting to the second weekend may the hardest thing to do. SMU had its hands full with a full powered offense the Bears possessed Sunday night. Don’t look south; this Mustang offense is ready to take the field against any Conference USA opponent. Baylor’s team looks like they haven’t missed a beat from last year. I don’t see QB Gilbert having any problem reading defenses, and very little problem with SMU moving the ball. Here’s the game plan… give it to the work horse (read: Zach Line), until the defense keys on him and then exploit the Johnsons and Thompson to spin the opposing coaches into a whirl. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not telling June Jones how to coach; he has always been able to flip the other coaches into making the wrong moves so he can get into the end zone. It will be no different this year. June and the squad will host a powder puff game this Saturday (which is the second weekend), when Stephen F. Austin comes to Dallas. This should be the “fine tuning game” for the Ponies and Gilbert to get the kinks out and get ready for a tougher schedule. QB Gilbert didn’t look like he was primed against Baylor, but with what he’s been through, I’ll give him that. I’m not singling him out; the whole team looked as if grease was needed to get the gears in motion. When June makes his adjustment and lets the playbook open up, QB Gilbert, RB Line, and the speedsters... JohnsonX2 and Thompson, this team will be a problem for Conference USA opponents. No game is a “gimme”, but Stephen F. Austin should fold pretty fast to the over powering squad of the Mustangs that will take the field Saturday

Photo Courtesy: Matthew Lynch

in the Park Cities of Dallas. I’ll be there, bring your support and get ready for a June Jones offensive highlight real… you may be able to leave by the start of the fourth quarter. Game Info: STEPHEN F. AUSTIN vs. SMU SAT. SEPT. 8 - 7PM / TW TEXAS FORD STADIUM

Frank LaCosta – flacosta@blitzweekly.com

looking to rebound

he North Texas Mean Green fresh off of their 41-14 shellacking to LSU look to rebound in their match up with SWAC opponent Texas Southern this Saturday for their home-opener. The porous Mean Green defense gave up 508 yards and 26 first downs to LSU in the ESPN nationally televised game. The offense fared a tad bit better. The highlight was an 80-yard touchdown pass from QB Derek Thompson to Brelan Chancellor. Later in the game they would connect again on a 15-yarder. That was about it for offense. Lance Dunbar replacement Brandin Byrd had 14 carries for 40 yards. He has a long way to go in making the Mean Green faithful forget about Lance Dunbar. Second year head coach Dan McCarney summed things up succinctly saying “I just thought we’d hang in there better.” Last season brought new life to the Mean Green program with a new head coach and a new stadium. The team defended its home turf by winning four of six games and look to

Photo Courtesy: Joe Lorenzini

win the home-opener by taming a different tiger, the NCAA Division I TSU Tigers. Look for North Texas to be the “Goliath” in this match up. This game should be easy pickings for QB Thompson if the o-line does their job. Look for the receiving corps to run wild with lots of easy completions. Brelan Chancellor should have a breakout game of his own. The jury is still out on RB Byrd considering last week’s poor performance. The defense will be out for blood in this one. In essence this game should be a confidence builder for the Mean Green as long as they remain focused on the task at hand. Texas Southern University is a year removed from winning its first SWAC title in 42 years. They won last week’s game against Prairie View A&M 44-41 at Reliant Stadium with a field goal in the final minute. The Tigers split quarterback duties between seniors Riko Smalls and Dantavious Parker. Running back Edward Perkins-Loving is a workhorse and will look to carry the load. Game Info: TEXAS SOUTHERN vs. UNT SAT. SEPT 8 – 6PM APOGEE STADIUM

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 52

the death of the diva receiver By C. Patterson - cpatterson@blitzweekly.com when greatness just can’t shut the hell up

Homer Jones. Remember the name? Well if you don’t let me refresh your memory. In 1965 as a New York football Giant he scored a touchdown and expressed his jubilation by taking the ball and “spiking” it into the ground. This was the first time that type of celebration for the seemingly trivial achievement of reaching the end zone was recorded. A simple spike. Upon that inspiration, University of Houston’s Elmo Wright “high-stepped” into the end zone and Atlanta Falcon Billy “White Shoes” Johnson shook his tail feather after touchdowns and who could forget the famous “Ickey Shuffle.” It was just a spike, but it would pave the way for jumping high-fives, dance parties, cell phone calls, Sharpies and sombreros. A spike changed the landscape of not just professional football but every place that a football could be caught: college, high school, Pop Warner, all the way down to the sand lot. I blame Homer. Chad Johnson is Homer’s fault. Randy Moss is Homer’s fault. T.O. is Homer’s fault. Plaxico…well Homer never shot himself at a nightclub, but he’s Homer’s fault too. That spike turned players into entertainers and receivers caught the acting bug worst of all. But when your box office goes from blockbuster to bust, some of the most dramatic personas in the league meet Shakespearian ends. No one in the San Francisco front office cared about Terrell Owens’ Sharpie sock-stuffing antics when he was the most dynamic receiver in the game. But once his numbers no longer matched his ego the NFL, fans, even baby mamas turned their backs on one of the most talented stars. His pom pom dances were replaced with sessions with Dr. Phil. Before he landed in a new bird’s nest with the Seahawks, T.O. had to slum it in Allen, Texas and just when he thought his story would have a happy ending he was spinning ninja kicked right out of Seattle due to poor performance. His ability has betrayed him. Gone were the days of supremacy, heck he would be grateful for the days of mediocrity. In his journey to rediscover himself he found a broken ex-reality star man-child that lacked the sufficient talent to perform even to the Seahawks standards. I blame Homer. Then there is the tale of Plaxico the Dimwitted. Once upon a time there was a receiver from the land of Norfolk, who in machismo his ego was thoroughly soaked. He went from Super Bowl to 20 months in the hole thus going from balling to broke. Mr. Burress has achieved much in his 35 short years on this planet; he has achieved success on both the collegiate and professional

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levels. He has signed his John Hancock on a $25 million contract. And he has caught a gamewinning touchdown pass in Super Bowl XLII (although he didn’t spike it). Yes Plaxico was mighty indeed. Then the outspoken receiver, who squabbled over the insult that he was only being paid a measly $3.25 million per season, decided the top was too high and wanted to see what the view from rock bottom looked like. The Giants released him in 2009 following him shooting himself in the right thigh after accidently discharging his Glock, which he was holding securely in his sweatpants. Burress then spent some time at the lovely Oneida Correctional Facility. Unabashed, Burress made an initial triumphant return to the NFL in 2011 with the New York Jets even grabbing The Sporting News Comeback Player of the Year award. But alas on his hunt for the fountain of loot, Plaxico has found himself without a job for the upcoming season although he has expressed a want to play in Philadelphia with his friend Michael Vick. Perhaps if that touchdown catch in 1965 had remained in the hands of Jones instead of being propelled at the grass little Plaxico might still be gainfully employed. Damn you Homer. Last but certainly not least we have the case of the Outstandingly Outrageous Occurrences of Ochocinco. Chad Johnson has taken one of the biggest swan dives of descent into the shards of glass filled valley of shame in recent memory. In less than two weeks Johnson’s life took a rally car-like turn right off a cliff. It wasn’t that long ago that Chad was just your run of the mill African American sideline sombrero-wearing receiver in Cincinnati who changed his last name to a broken Spanish derivative of his jersey number. He was talented, he was entertaining, he riverdanced in the end zone and he delivered…at least for a while he did. Then the limelight proved to be too addictive and Ocho found himself on Dancing with the Stars. But when his stats dried up so did his welcome. The once celebrated wide out due to his explosive life off the field is unemployed and disgraced. A tragic character of Hamlet proportions. Fame was his undoing. Ironic isn’t it that people always said that his big head would get him into trouble. They could have never imagined it would have been like this. Would things have turned out this way if Homer would have just went back to the sidelines? Hope you’re happy Homer.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 52

September 5 - 11, 2012 Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison

Lupe’ Ortega PERSONAL TRAINER The Journey to a Better You ~

Starts Now!

IT’S TIME.

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Rise of the rookie quarterback By Jan Hubbard - @BlitzWeekly

Is It Just Fantasy?

t’s pretty obvious that only in fantasy football could a team end up with Robert Griffin III and Andrew Luck on the same team. That’s what happened in our league, but it’s the story of how they got there that is radically different from, I bet, all of you out there in fantasy leagues. The 23rd anniversary of our league passed with little fanfare this year. Although our 10 teams – not all of them original franchises – are competitive, we venture into geekdom only rarely. If there is such a thing as the right approach to fantasy football, I think we have it. No one seems to obsess about it – at least not in public. As we know, the NFL has changed significantly the last few years. Our league was always different from others because we devised a scoring system that included a number of performance bonuses and they made our draft more like a true draft would be. All those years the so-called fantasy experts were telling players to take two running backs in the first two rounds were ignored by us. Backs were important, but there was also a premium on quarterbacks and usually three or four would be drafted in the first round. That’s what the game is about, isn’t it? If all NFL players were declared free agents and a 10team league was formed, you think GMs would take running backs in the first two rounds? Drew Brees would go in the third round? Some of you may have enjoyed that sort of scoring system, but not us. We found it stupid and boring. This year, however, we also decided the draft was boring. With all the information available, which has led to so-called fantasy experts making an insane amount of money for being a so-called fantasy expert, the draft had become predictable. There were minimal surprises. A player expected to go in the fourth round might have gone in the second. A first-rounder may have gone two or three picks before you expected. But there was nothing shocking. So we threw it out. Instead, our draft was a blind auction. Each team had a $1,000 salary cap and had to blindly bid on 17 players. There were a minimum and maximum number of players you could bid on at each position, but you could bid on any player. You had to submit the bid without knowing what any other team was doing. And that was great. In all leagues that draft,

Photo Courtesy: AngieSix

there is little chance you can have access to Brees and Tony Romo, but that not only happened in our league, that team also got Larry Fitzgerald, Rob Gronkowski, Ryan Mathews and Adrian Peterson, who still is going in the fourth round on average despite coming back from injury. But the big story and the point of this column is that one team kept getting beat on bids for established quarterbacks but won bids for Luck and Griffin. And you know the big thing: He wasn’t even upset. In a regular draft, it’s unlikely that would have happened. The rookies would have been backups on different teams. The team did manage to get Josh Freeman in a later bid and he will start early in the season, but it is likely that when the rookies start asserting themselves, they will be finding playing time. And that is even more impressive in a 10-team fantasy league because Luck and Griffin are two of 32 starters in the NFL. And this year, they are joined by three other rookie starters – firstrounders Ryan Tannehill in Miami and Brandon Weeden in Cleveland and third-round pick Russell Wilson in Seattle. Wilson was the eighth quarterback picked in the draft. That’s pretty amazing. It seems safe to say that as we enter season, it’s the year of the rookie quarterback. No telling if it will be by the end of the year. But if we can enter the realm of geekdom for a second, it seems that rookies have already had an impact in the fantasy world. At least that’s true in our league.

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 52

RG Mackenzy Bernadeau (from Panthers), ILB Dan Connor (from Panthers), CB Brandon Carr (from Chiefs), CB Morris Claiborne (1st Round, LSU), QB Kyle Orton (from Chiefs), FB Lawrence Vickers (from Texans), C Ryan Cook (from Dolphins), WR Cole Beasley (free agent, SMU), TE Colin Cochart (From Bengals) DEPARTURES: TE Martellus Bennett (to Giants), LG Montrae Holland (free agent), RG Kyle Kosier (released), ILB Bradie James (to Texans), CB Terence Newman (to Bengals), SS Abram Elam (to Chiefs), P Mat McBriar (free agent), QB Jon Kitna (retired), RB Sammy Morris (free agent), FB Tony Fiammetta (to Patriots), WR Laurent Robinson (to Jaguars), WR Jesse Holley (to Patriots), OG Bill Nagy (to Lions), ILB Keith Brooking (to Broncos), CB Alan Ball (to Texans), CB Frank Walker (free agent) PRACTICE SQUAD: RB Lance Dunbar, WR Danny Coale, DT Ben Bass, WR Tim Benford, DT Robert Callaway, G Ronald Leary, RB Jamize Olawale and LB Orie Lemon By Jay Betsill – @thefamousjay

A new season begins As with most every year, the Dallas Cowboys head into the 2012 season with great expectations. The Cowboys defense and most notably its secondary play was the reason they failed to win the NFC East. The additions of free-agent cornerback Brandon Carr from the Kansas City Chiefs and drafting cornerback Morris Claiborne out of LSU should bolster second-year coordinator Rob Ryan’s entire defensive unit and allow for a term that has not been uttered in Dallas in many years: “Coverage sack.” DeMarcus

Ware had 19.5 of the Cowboys 42 sacks last season. Expect more pressure from nose tackle Jay Ratliff, defensive end Jason Hatcher and rookie Tyrone Crawford. On the offensive side, look for veteran guards Mackenzy Bernadeau and Nate Livings to help shore up the team’s Achilles’ heel from a year ago, the interior of the offensive line. Second-year back DeMarco Murray’s return from a season-ending ankle injury to his role as the starter in the Dallas backfield will only help Tony Romo as the Cowboys have battled injuries to his favorite targets, Miles Austin, Dez Bryant and Jason Witten. Let’s not forget the Cowboys have an extremely difficult schedule. In addition to having the usual two games apiece against the defending Super Bowl Champion New York Giants, the talented Philadelphia Eagles who have had a year to mold all of their dynamic free agent acquisitions from a year ago and the Washington Redskins, who replaced Rex Grossman (their quarterback last season) with RGIII. Dallas is also slated to face off against two of the NFL’s tougher divisions, the NFC South and the AFC North. For the NFC South, the Cowboys travel to Carolina and Atlanta while hosting Tampa Bay and New Orleans. With the AFC North, Dallas hosts Pittsburgh and Cleveland while traveling to Baltimore and Cincinnati. The Seahawks and Bears are their two ‘swing games’ this season. Based on last year’s winloss records, other teams have higher strength of schedule ratings, but when you factor in upgrades from the teams they face, only the Eagles are facing a tougher road to the post-season. “Jerry Jones owns this football team and he has owned it for 23 years, so he can do anything he wants,” head coach Jason Garrett said. “We don’t make any guarantees around here. We’re going to work hard to put a great football team together. We’re in the process of doing that.” ADDITIONS: LG Nate Livings (from Bengals),

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KEYS TO ROMO’S SUCCESS Offensive Line: The offensive line endured some hard times a season ago, as evidenced by the 36 sacks given up when Romo was under center. The Cowboys hope see improvement from center Phil Costa and if the veteran guards they brought in (Mackenzy Bernadeau and Nate Livings) can show more strength in the middle than the guys who were playing those spots a year ago, it will go a long way in helping not only Romo but running back DeMarco Murray as well. Dallas also acquired veteran center Ryan Cook from the Dolphins following their final preseason game after watching David Arkin get pushed around in Costa’s absence. Wide Receivers/Tight Ends health issues: Dallas was plagued by injuries throughout training camp. Miles Austin’s nagging hamstring injury returned and Dez Bryant has battled a knee injury. Kevin Ogletree is next man up for the receiving corps with Laurent Robinson departed to Jacksonville via free agency. Perhaps the biggest blow of all is the lacerated spleen suffered by Romo’s go-to guy, tight end Jason Witten. With Witten’s availability unknown, Dallas claimed Colin Cochart off waivers from the Bengals. COWBOYS SECRET WEAPON Wide receiver Kevin Ogletree has to step up for the Cowboys this year. With the questionable health of Miles Austin, Dez Bryant and Jason Witten, Ogletree will have the chance to prove the Cowboys were right by not going out and signing one of the receivers on the market such as Plaxico Burress or Terrell Owens. This is the second consecutive year that Ogletree has emerged as the No. 3 receiver, but he lost the job to Laurent Robinson last season. Ogletree had a tough offseason dealing with his brother being shot (he is still recovering) and the fact that the Cowboys did not tender an offer to the fourth-year receiver, leaving him to explore free agency. He and the Cowboys eventually agreed to a one-year contract for 2012 and this could be his opportunity to parlay a big season like Robinson had before exiting to the

tune of a five-year, $32.5 million contract with the Jaguars. WARE’S THE HELP If Dallas hopes to makes any rumblings for a berth in the playoffs, DeMarcus Ware is going to need a little help on defense. With the departures of Bradie James and Keith Brooking, linebacker Sean Lee has stepped up and assumed a leadership role and Bruce Carter beat out Dan Connor for the starting spot next to Lee. Four-time Pro Bowl nose tackle Jay Ratliff is always a force, but has battled plantar fasciitis all off-season and a high ankle sprain suffered in the preseason against the Rams. That being said, look for the play of the new corners Carr and Claiborne to make the most significant impact for Rob Ryan’s unit. If they are able to shut down or at least slow down the opposing receivers, the Dallas pass rushers not named Ware will dramatically improve. PREDICITION Dallas 8-8 (3rd place in the NFC East, miss the playoffs). I really like the new additions to the secondary but there are still a lot of holes on the roster. The offensive line is my biggest concern. If they can play better up front, they could challenge for the title in the stacked division. Should the injuries continue to play as big of a role as in training camp, the team could conceivably finish in the NFC East’s cellar.

Photos Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

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This summer’s violent rampage has left us with one place of refuge...for now By Drew Davis A wave of frigid air conditioning blasted the crowd as the security guard opened a door at Cowboys Stadium. He shouted to the hundreds waiting outside on the plaza, “You don’t need to go through the metal detector today, but we are still gonna be doing bag checks.” The crowd waiting outside for The Cowboys Silver and Blue Debut Open Practice responded with silent impatience. Seating was free and first come, first serve -- anything other than finding seats on the 50 yard line seemed irrelevant. Of the dozen people I asked in the crowd, no one had given even a passing thought to their safety or security before coming out to practice. This after the Dark Knight Rises shooting in Colorado, the shooting near Texas A&M and the shooting at the Sikh Temple in Wisconsin. The day after practice there was yet another shooting, this time in front of the Empire State Building. The most Photo Courtesy: David Jones recent in the epidemic, occurred on the first day of school at a Baltimore high school. Worshippers at the Sikh Temple of North North Texas point to a board of cards offering Texas were less relaxed about security than condolences and support from prominent state the Cowboys fans. Near Milwaukee, the Sikh and local officials. A candlelight vigil at the community had been singled out in a shooting Temple was widely attended, by community, by a white supremacist resulting in six dead. police and local officials. The dozen Sikhs with whom I spoke had a very Ultimately, the reaction at the Stadium and the inspiring way of finding answers in their religious North Texas Sikh Temple are fatalistically similar: beliefs in the wake of the Wisconsin shooting. there just isn’t much you can do. But there is They welcomed me with a determined hospitality another side to the story, as law enforcement and and openness. In addition to the spiritual reaction, security take steps to prevent a crisis in Texas. there was an appreciation of the overwhelmingly As school resumes at Texas A&M, Mark Caruso, supportive community response. The Sikhs in Associate Athletic Director, is working behind the scenes to beef up security at Aggies football games and other sporting events. There will be a larger security presence at the gate with more restrictions on what kinds of items will be allowed into athletic events. CCTV cameras will be used more proactively to identify and address unruly fans. Some of these measures are required by the conference change (this is the first year for Texas A&M in the Southeastern Conference), Photo Courtesy: Drew Davis VISIt US OnLInE at www.bLItzwEEkLy.cOm

some anticipate the record number of outside visitors to Aggies sporting events, but the “active shooter” training for stadium personnel at all levels is related directly to the recent shooting near the Campus. Sports security at Texas A&M looks very similar to the security measures at the professional level. John Blake, Executive VP of Communications with the Rangers described the measures at Rangers Ballpark

planning and layer upon layer of security; it is an army of polo shirt clad security guards that are the most visible part of security at Cowboys Stadium. It may be Jerry’s House, but section C110 is Patricia’s section. Truthfully, no one knows what to expect from the Silver and Blue Debut, even Patricia is expecting a scrimmage that never takes place. But she knows what to expect from fans. She is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; defending reserved seats and allowing fans to pry a charmingly told highlight reel of stories about her experience. Her voice softens and slows – as if she were recounting how she fell in love -- as she talks about working the Super Bowl. In the levels of security at Cowboys Stadium ‘Jerry’s Boys’ are like the elite secret service, with black suits, white shirts and black ties (they look more MIB than Pulp Fiction). They are a conspicuous presence and decidedly less prone to small talk with fans. In discussing police work in Garland, Garland Police Captain Patrick McCully draws the distinction between proactive community policing and patrol police work that focuses on responding to a crisis. The contrast between security personnel at Cowboys Stadium seems to mirror the two approaches Captain McCully describes.

they have in place this way, “The Rangers take security at our ballpark very seriously, and we have significant measures in place. These include random wanding at each entry gate, bag screening and a uniformed police presence both Photo Courtesy: Rich Anderson inside and outside the ballpark. These are elements the public encounters on any given game day. We and the City of Arlington also monitor CCTV cameras in and around the building to look for suspicious activity. Guests are certainly encouraged to report any activity that concerns them to Customer Service, Security or Public Safety staff, or use our text messaging system to communicate directly with our command post.” For all of the sophisticated technology, the thoughtful

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Photo Courtesy: Maddening Crowd

Photo Courtesy: Alexander Kurashev Garland is the location of the Sikh Temple in North Texas. Captain McCully’s has worked both the patrol and community policing sides in Garland. It’s clear that he has a soft spot for the long term focus of building relationships and facilitating understanding between neighbors. At the Sikh Temple, community policing in Garland sounds like nothing short of a success story. Everyone at the Temple mentions the Garland PD and their commitment to supporting the Sikh community. Captain McCully and other officers were invited to the candlelight vigil mourning the Wisconsin shooting, “We were grateful to be there; we were grateful to be invited,” said McCully. Fall feels like a new beginning: summer vacations end; a new school year begins; every football team has zero losses; restaurant patios fill up; people reconnect, Aggies fans anticipate their first year in such a summer of so many violent incidents, it’s no the SEC and a completely new slate of opponents. First Lady Michelle Obama visited accident that fear doesn’t eclipse these cherished the Sikh community in Wisconsin, and at the parts of our lives. For the guards with their backs Republican National Convention, a Sikh gave turned to the excitement on the field, for the the prayer of invocation. In Cowboys Nation, people who have planned all summer, it is time the buzz about preseason injuries and who will to keep us safe. be the third wide out reaches a fever pitch. In Photo Courtesy: Derek A.R.

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September 5 - 11, 2012

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Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

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a different place for “joe” six-pack

PLATE

ESCAPES

By Blake Zipoy - bzipoy@hotmail.com

ll sports loving, team-worshiping dudes (and dudettes) are probably very familiar with a sports bar. Lots of big screen TVs, beer, finger foods to snack on and, usually, a cute girl to serve you, if you are lucky. But I have discovered a hidden treasure that not only offers the above in truckloads, but also adds something you don’t always find in the “franchise” sports bars. Especially when it comes to joints that specialize in “wings.” I’m talking about Buffalo Joe’s, located in the Carrollton area at the corner of Marsh Lane and Frankford Road, hidden behind the Sonic Drive-In. ATMOSPHERE The first thing you notice is the ring of TVs circling two separate areas of the place. One large eating area is filled with lower tables and some bar-height tables, strategically arranged so you can position yourself to view your favorite team. If you would prefer a more “bar-type” atmosphere, just move to the section by the large bar that

stretches across the back wall. The lighting is dim, but not so low that you need a miner’s cap to find the bathroom, but low enough to allow maximum viewing of the TVs. If you would prefer sunshine, or have a desire to smoke freely, their outside patios offer ample space and TV monitors so you won’t miss any action. But you can’t miss the best part – Meghan. Our waitress Meghan seems to be the standard, not the exception at Buffalo Joes when it comes to the friendly young ladies who are there to assist you. Meghan was blonde, very friendly, perky, and never stopped smiling. Meghan definitely adds something special to Buffalo Joe’s. FOOD I can’t forget about the next most important reasons for going to Buffalo Joe’s, behind Photos Courtesy: Chad C. Meghan and sports – the food and drink. First, satisfy your thirst with a pint of Guinness or an ample choice of other draft beer. As a bit of a beer snob, the Guinness I ordered was nice and cold with a low head and not overly carbonated. I noticed other dudes with other lagers that looked to be poured just as well. Buffalo Joe’s has a full bar, so you should not have a problem getting your drink of preference. Buffalo Joe’s food is also unique for a sports

bar. As the name says, they offer Buffalo wings but also burgers, bar fare like nachos and potato skins, unique sandwiches, pizza, and even salads in case you bring your significant other or are training for a decathlon. The two dudes I went with tried completely different items. To pay homage to the joint’s name, I had the wings. They let me split my order between the lemon pepper and the garlic parmesan. They have other flavors from “burnyour-mouth-off” mango habanera to BBQ to Joe’s personal buffalo sauce. The two flavors I had were very good, especially the garlic parmesan (recommended by Meghan). The wings are fried just right, juicy with the sauce working with the chicken, instead of overpowering it. One of the other guys ordered their pizza. The pizza was solid but the Cuban sandwich that my third companion got was something special. The pulled pork and ham are very moist, served with Swiss on a hoagie and accented with a spicy Cuban sauce. Pretty awesome sandwich if I say so myself. BLITZ-WORTHY Buffalo Joe’s is definitely Blitz-worthy, especially with the start of the glorious football season. I would give it a happy dude rating as a place where you can watch your favorite NFL and college teams as well as our beloved Texas Rangers as they make their push into October.

www.thebuffalojoes.com • 3636 Frankford Road Suite 390 • Dallas, Texas 75287 VISIt US OnLInE at www.bLItzwEEkLy.cOm

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Hollywood Profile

odging speeding cars, crazed cabbies and eight million cranky pedestrians were just a few of the hurdles Joseph Gordon-Levitt had to contend with in his new hi-speed action movie Premium Rush. All of this chaos is just a normal day’s work for Levitt’s character, Wilee, who just happens to be one of New York’s most agile and aggressive bicycle messengers. It takes a special breed to ride the fixie, a super lightweight, single-gear bike with no brakes and riders who are equal part skilled cyclists and nutcases who risk becoming a smear on the pavement every time they head into traffic. But Wilee is about to get more than even he is used to when his last envelope of the day – a routine “premium rush” run – turns into a life or death chase through the streets of Manhattan. I talked with Gordon-Levitt about the film and about the uber adrenaline rush of racing through the streets of the Big Apple!

By Vivian Fullerlove - vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Photo Courtesy: Collider

Tell us about your character. Wilee is the fastest bike messenger in New York City, and he rides with no brakes and that’s kind of a good metaphor for just how he is and who he is. He sort of decided that it’s better to be just present and go for it. What is the ﬁlm about? The story is just about a bike messenger who gets caught up with this villain. I think when people look back on this movie they will say it had bad ass chase scenes and Michael Shannon (who plays a dirty cop chasing Wilee) was so good. Like everyone else is very good, but Michael Shannon, I think the character he’s made in this is such a classic Cagney (like) heavy. Speaking of chase scenes, I know a lot of what we see has to do with the shooting and editing of the ﬁlm, but still you had some pretty harrowing scenes in this movie. Tell us about that whole process. The way we shot with cameras on the motorcycles and mounted on the SUVs and stuff, it just created lots of movement and makes the movie

really dynamic. The movie also really shows the Photo Courtesy: Amanda DeLonge mental process, in an instant, of what you have to do when you’re riding. And it’s true, when you’re riding in New York, one of the things I love about riding in New York, you have to be 100% focused on riding. You can’t think about anything else. It’s not like driving where you can listen to the radio at the same time or have a conversation or whatever. You have to focus because at any given time there are a hundred different things coming at you that you have to make sure you don’t hit.

So was all the riding a challenge for you at all? I just got done doing Inception which before Premium Rush was probably the hardest job I’ve ever done physically, and it was hard for different reasons, but just as far as pure like physical energy and exertion, Premium Rush was harder, and I guess I kind of wanted that. I’ve always wanted to get into riding a bike, and I just never put in the time to do it. It’s a beautiful thing that I’m really lucky for and grateful for doing the job I get to do because you know, you get to try out new things like that.

So, overall you had fun. This whole job has just been so much fun. I’ve done a lot of different movies, and it’s always really fulfilling and feels really good. It’s my favorite thing to do is work. But this job in particular was fun. It’s not just fulfilling, it’s not just satisfying, it was actually like big smile on our faces fun. There’s nothing quite like going down a hill at 40 miles an hour. There’s just nothing like that kind of adrenaline. You can feel the rush at a theater near you tonight! Premium Rush is playing nationwide and the ﬁlm is rated PG-13 for some violence, intense action sequences and language.

Photo Courtesy: Fanpop

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gearshift : 2012 Jaguar XF Supercharged

Photos Courtesy: Jaguar Cars Ltd.

Cat Scratch Fever

he XF from Jaguar – the midsize luxury sedan-in-coupe-clothing that replaced both S- and X-type models a few years back – quickly became one of my favorite new cars, and my recent test of the Supercharged version of this super cat only solidifies my stance. As soon as I slid behind the wheel of this car, I quickly forgot and forgave the previous entry attempts by the automaker. HERE is where luxury and performance truly begin. A quick tap on the start button (no key slot anymore) and the XF comes alive. Up from the center console rises the transmission shift knob, and motorized panels on the dash reveal air vents and navigation screen. (Note: You’re going to need to plan extra time that will be lost while

By David Goodspeed - dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com

entertaining passengers as you demonstrate these cool features.) As the engine fires to life, it responds with a deep, catty growl from the dual exhaust tips in back and anticipation mounts as you slide a hand from the exquisitely-crafted leather and wood steering wheel to turn the shift knob to begin your journey. Time spent in the XF will be measured in pleasant memories, stored in that part of your cerebral cortex reserved for your first kiss and the birth of a child. OK, driving the XF won’t rank as high as those other two, but there is only one first kiss and you are only going to have so many children – you can drive the XF to your heart’s content. Despite being the “entry” Jaguar, design and

engineering were certainly no afterthoughts as this cat is filled with such feats as a six-speed automatic sequential shift transmission with JaguarDrive paddle and rotary knob shifters, Jaguar-sense proximity sensing control for overhead lighting, B&W premium audio system with SIRIUS Satellite radio and portable audio connectivity, DVD-based navigation system with touch screen control and bluetooth connectivity, smartkey keyless entry/start, JaguarVoice that can control many functions simply by asking (thus eliminating the need for taking your eyes off the road or hands off the wheel). Standard features also include automatic speed limiter, tire pressure monitoring system, electronic parking brake, blind spot monitor, front and rear parking aids, rear camera parking aid, adaptive cruise control, and much, much more. XF occupants are protected by an anti-lock braking system with emergency brake assist, electronic brakeforce distribution, traction control through engine and brake intervention, dynamic stability control, cornering brake control, and engine drag torque control. The XF also features understeer control logic, which has been designed to mitigate understeer (inability to turn when going

Samsung Galaxy Note II A one billion dollar pimp slap from Apple won’t stop the smartphone juggernaut from copying progressing with their latest toy, the Galaxy Note II. It has a 5.5-inch Super AMOLED screen and a stylus (just in case you needed to look a bit geekier). The Note II also has a 1.8GHz quadcore processor and 4G LTE wireless and up to 64GB of memory. Apple is filing their patent encroachment papers as we speak. (TBA)

LogiTech Washable Keyboard The perfect defense from “Mr. Let Me Show You Sumthin on YouTube While I Have Orange Doritos Fingers” at work. The LogiTech Washable Keyboard has laser-printed key characters, USB connection, and is the biggest thing to hit the office since you found those Xerox copies of what Large Mary likes to do when she’s alone in the copy room. ($40)

Instacube Want to get those quirky Instagram photos off of your phone and onto your bachelor pad decorated mantelpiece? Well Instacube is for you my friend. The Wi-Fi enabled photo frame has a 600x600 display and it’s portable with a internal lithium ion battery. Just make sure you change the pics of the hottie from the party last night before Rachel gets home. ($150) VISIt US OnLInE at www.bLItzwEEkLy.cOm

into a corner) by intervening through the engine management and braking systems to decelerate the car and help restore grip to the front wheels. The new XF has exceptional torsional stiffness, and with a wide rear track it displays excellent handling characteristics. These elements underpin a dynamic ethos that is driver-focused yet supremely comfortable and refined. Just as its looks promise, the new XF excels across the board in every role from a sports car to a luxurious longdistance cruiser. We recently tested the mid-range XF Supercharged model powered by thirdgeneration AJ-V8 5.0-liter engine cranking out 470hp and 424 lb. ft. of torque. And have I mentioned the Sport mode? Were I to purchase an XF I would request Jaguar replace the letter “S” with “F” as in FUN (or an expletive I’ve been known to utter while ripping into the gas pedal). Fuel economy for the supercharged powerplant rolls in at 15 mpg and 21 mpg highway. Pricing on the 2012 XF begins at 53 grand with our Supercharged model arriving to the tune of $68,975.

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Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry. Q: What’s the hardest part of rollerblading? A: Telling your parents that you are gay. Q: What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

SEptEmbEr 5 - 11, 2012

The Sportsman Double A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably has a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if he’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said. As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”

Virgo August 23 – September 22 Your illiteracy strikes again when you show up for a casting call for The Big Gang Bang Theory Theory. Libra September 23 – October 22 Being the entrepreneur that you are your ability to fail will reach new heights when you open your new Roadkill Steakhouse on McKinney Avenue. Scorpio October 23 – November 21 While you’ve often turned to the stars for help, this week’s fashion faux pas is one that even they cannot help with.

BLITZ FUNNYS

“FRISK ME, PLEASE, OH PLEASE!” According to www.hufﬁngtonpost.com (August 26, 2012), Joshua Basso, 32, of Dover, Florida, must have strong sexual fantasies when it comes to women in uniform? In less than two days, until his arrest, Basso called the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office seven separate times, requesting sex from any female. And, he’d called before. His record shows 13 prior arrests.

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING To help finance the Republican National Convention in Tampa (August 27-30, 2012), the Federal Election Commission has supplied $18 million, while Tampa itself is spending nearly $20 million, while Mitt Romney (himself) is paying the band Journey a half-million dollars to play a few songs. This all begs a question. Since everybody, at least those who care, already know Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan will be the Republican candidates, why not use this money to help fund a cure for cancer, or feed some of our world’s starving population?

LET’S HOPE HE “DOES WITHOUT” Lome, Togo – The women in this very male dominated west African country (population some 6.7 million) have had enough poor government, and demand changes. How? One local news service explains: “Women are being asked to start withholding sex from their husbands or partners as of Monday (8-27-2012), said Isabelle Ameganvi, leader of the women’s wing of the group Let’s Save Togo.” (Togo’s President, Faure Gnassingbe, refused to comment.)

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 You’ll finally land your dream job this week, which is kind of funny since you won’t be getting much sleep from now on.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 Only you understand the prophetic words uttered by Three Dog Night regarding that one is the loneliest number…

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You’ve always claimed how much you love a good mystery, but that was before they found your lover’s body floating in White Rock Lake.

Aries March 21 – April 19 While you often claim that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, those afflicted with Tourette’s syndrome certainly disagree.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 You will make a lasting impression after falling into a fresh batch of concrete.

Taurus April 20 – May 20 While visiting the Dallas Zoo this weekend you are convinced that evolution must be true after discovering the improved aim of the monkeys there.

ACROSS 1. Affirm 5. Group of cattle 9. Let go 13. Wash 14. Expect 16. Greek letter 17. A Freudian stage 18. Cut 19. Found on a finger 20. Kidney-related 22. Abode 24. Type of sword 26. Unveiling 27. Braided cords 30. A Eurasian annual herb 33. Fester 35. Wish granter 37. Cry of disgust 38. Man-made fiber 41. Father 42. Sharp-tasting 45. Momentary

48. Brook 51. Venture to say 52. Phonograph disc 54. Pack down 55. Dimwit 59. Future fungus 62. Biblical garden 63. Fragrant oil 65. End ___ 66. If not 67. Parisian subway 68. Back 69. Resound 70. Was a passenger 71. Contributes

Gemini May 21 – June 21 Your fear of taking risks and trying new things will be confirmed this week. Cancer June 22 – July 22 Your creativity will be at an all-time high this week so keep buying those Popsicle sticks. Leo July 23 – August 22 The interesting thing about homicidal rage is – well you’ll soon discover it on your own.

DOWN 1. Winglike 2. Windmill blade 3. Tending to vanish like vapor 4. Get worse 5. Possesses 6. Pitcher 7. Ranted 8. Internal-combustion engine 9. Kitchen set 10. A soft sheepskin leather 11. Ear-related 12. Wan 15. Clan 21. Lascivious look 23. Fecalmatter of animals 25. Distinctive flair 27. Tussock 28. Assumed name 29. Hog’s home 31. Disinclined

32. Tropical vine 34. Santa’s helper 36. Jittery 39. Not young 40. Tidy 43. Grappling hook 44. Scream 46. Historical periods 47. Seafood dipped in batter 49. Perpendicular to the keel 50. Grumble 53. Slogan 55. Dribble 56. Doing nothing 57. Plateau 58. An aromatic ointment 60. Absorb written material 61. Makes a mistake 64. Caviar

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THE CLOSER

Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

Humongous Giver Physically Isn’t it funny how a chance meeting wrapped up in a little serendipity can convince a girl she’s found “the one?” It was a sunny, happy afternoon and I just finished a business lunch at a cozy spot in the Knox area. I was feeling more confident and sassy than usual. I was actually not eating like a teen boy that week, so I was feeling slender. My hair was luscious and shiny, giving me an extra pep in my high-heeled step. Let me coat these next chain of events with some whimsical, rom-com music. Imagine my bouncy curls as I glide across the street to my car. As I open the car door, a fine ass gentleman meets my gaze. It was one of those “make eye contact, look away quickly and then do a double take.” I shot him a quick smile and flipped my hair in a nonobvious way. For a moment I thought maybe he would come say hello. Then I imaginarily pinched my arm, reminding myself real life doesn’t always get teed up like “meet-cutes” in the love films. I turn on my car and he dashes into a quaint sidewalk store. Getting ready to back up, I’m surprised when I hear a knock-knock on my passenger window. Thank goodness I didn‘t speed out of there, or I could have ran over his glossy businessman shoes. I timidly roll down the window, wondering why he came to the passenger door. I am a slightly paranoid biddy, so it crossed my mind he might hold a gun to my head and rob me. Having this thought and still rolling down the window proves I’m a bit of a dumbass I guess. Perhaps I was blinded by a combo of hope, love and lust. Anyway, the memorable first words that sexily escaped his lips were, “Excuse me…what do you think of the color of this car?” I was tongue-tied and confused. He was of course pointing to his sleek BMW parked next to me. Out of all the things you could say to a girl in a pretty dress, you’re going to talk about an automobile? I awkwardly replied, “I don’t know about cars.” I’m surprised he didn’t say, “It’s not a matter of knowledge about cars. I’m asking about the color bitch!” Instead, he flashed his pearly whites, thanked me and casually walked away. I thought, “Damnit I’m having this serendipitous moment! It’s half-baked, so let’s get this romance cooking!” I boldly rolled down my window and exclaimed, “Is that all ya got?” He had his back to me, but swiveled his glossy shoes towards me after my outburst. He laughed and asked me to repeat it. I thought to myself, “You heard me. I didn’t stutter.” I repeated what I said in a flirty tone and the next thing I know he’s hanging on the side of my window. I asked him why he started hitting on me and then backed off. He admitted he got nervous and was spooked. Soon enough, our words were

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tangled in a conversation circling around the standard “nice to meet you” jargon. Great chemistry and up close he was still incredibly attractive. He asked me out right then in there, which I found refreshing. A man in a suit and a man with some balls. What a girl wants, right? After we traded our goodbyes, he turned around and said, “You’re pretty cute Pocket.” I’m a sucker for a man calling me by my last name, especially when it’s attached to a compliment. It was simply the icing on “our” wedding cake and he had me ready to pick out china settings. As I was playing the encounter over in my head, I was stunned there were no caution lights flashing. And as crazy as it sounds, I was thinking he could totally be the one. It‘s fate of course. Imagining our wedding day toast, “Yes we met on the street and he just had to say hello because he was so taken by me!” Of course I called my mom and best friends, gabbing away, offering every detail of the chance meeting. Naturally, my “future husband” requested my digits. Three hours after we met, he sent me the expected text saying how great it was to meet me…blah blah blah. We continued with our witty banter back and forth via text. And then it got weird. Shit! Why did it have to get weird? That familiar feeling in my gut started creeping up and I knew this guy was as good as goodbye. The texts were so sweet until he offered up he was a “humungous giver physically.” How the hell was I supposed to respond to that? Perhaps “Well I’d love to tug on your cock.” I’m sure he was wanting a little tit for tat. Call me old-fashioned but let’s get through a coffee date first before you divulge you’re an ace at oral sex. I can appreciate your knowledge base and talent, but let me appreciate it down the road. My response stopped Humongous Giver Physically (how he’s saved in my phone) in his tracks. My retort was, “Wow you must have been around the block a time or two.” Silence. A few days later we end up chatting on the phone and I told him straight up I didn’t like his initiated sext. He thought I was overreacting and began singing the praises of his talented tongue. I mentally developed a catalogue of all the imaginary women he’s gone down on to perfect his craft. Major turnoff to think of a guy who gets around.

VISIt US OnLInE at www.bLItzwEEkLy.cOm

THE

ANSWER GIRL WITH

DR. STACY

I saw Humongous Giver Physically one time after our initial enchanted encounter. It was far from enchanting the second time around. He called me up one Sunday afternoon when I was out for a stroll. He insisted to come and meet me. I reluctantly agreed and immediately was overcome with anxiety. I was dripping with sweat and totally freaked out by him. I don’t know why I allow myself to get in situations like this. I will now cling to the motto, “live and learn.” At the time, I thought if he saw me sweaty and raggedy, surely he would lose interest. As we saw each other, he charged at me like a bull. I was caught off guard and immediately retreated. In the midst of his fondling me, I managed to flick my sweaty ponytail. Spatters of sweat daintily landed on his shoulder. I thought, “Perfect. This will gross him out for sure.” Instead, he told me I looked so damn sexy. Must have been a concoction of the pheromones and hardworking deodorant. This uncomfortable meet-up encouraged me to nip this shit in the bud. Why drag something on with a guy I have strong hesitations about? He texted me the next day and my response was uninviting and slightly cold. He either got the picture or decided to move onto a slutty girl who would receive his sexualness with open legs. Don’t get me wrong, a headboard banging sex session would be delightful, but not after a short string of texts. So, this little tale definitely ended up on the cutting room floor. Although a promising beginning, the ending was far from what I envisioned the day we met. I realize I can’t place so many expectations on the outcome of something after one silly, chance meeting. I was forcing and rushing a happy ending, instead of letting something happen naturally. It’s time to wise up and quit playing the role of the doe-eyed damsel. Lesson learned without a heartbreak. Phew!

Dear Dr. Stacy, I am a gold digger and proud of it. My friends and exes are always trying to give me a hard time about it, but I think that it is only fair for a man to have to pay to play. Do you agree? Signed, Patricia Prospector Well Patricia, no one could ever accuse you of not being straightforward. Sadly, however, I cannot agree with you this time. But that is not to say I don’t applaud your efforts as an entrepreneur. It should be of some degree of concern to your “friends and exes” that your body is seemingly for sale to the highest bidder a la eBay. Sorry to compare your vagina to eBay, but the comparison felt justifiable. The trophy of being a gold-digger that you so audaciously hoist should be a red flag to all men (and women) who cross your path that you are an opportunist. Now that may not be a bad thing. Remember that Heather Mills, Holly Madison, Tom Arnold, Anna Nicole Smith, and Kevin Federline are all famous alumnus of the University of Gold Excavation. So, I guess that means if you’re going to do it, do it well. As for your reputation, well that’s another matter all of its own. As evident with the aforementioned list, don’t expect many Christmas cards or well wishes. Gold digging is a thankless occupation. There will be long nights with your face in places that I dare not imagine to secure the acquisition of Prada, Gucci, and nights at the Four Seasons. Just look at yourself as a torchbearer in a long line of pioneers pilfering pensions for the fair exchange of dignity and shame. It’s safe to say somewhere along your journey pride won’t be the only thing you have to swallow. Onward and Upward, Dr. Stacy Answers

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SEptEmbEr 5 - 11, 2012

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