Blitz Weekly

CAN

DALLAS

LEAD US BACK TO THE PROMISED

DRAFT

DIRK

LAND?

HAS THE

NHL BECOME

TOO VIOLENT?

COWBOYS

PREDICTIONS

FINALLY A

LAMBORGHINI SOCCER MOMS CAN ENJOY

T.O.

TALKS FOOTBALL, LIFE AND THE FUTURE

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April 25 - May 1, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

2012 SATURDAY

9pm

2am

$100’s Raffles & Prizes!

$3

Jose Cuervo Dos XX

$6

All You Can Eat Tacos!

Plus, Live DJ on the Patio!

For Event Details, Please Contact Brandi at BAustin@BlackFinnDallas.com

4440 Belt Line Road / Addison, TX 75001 / 469.374.7667

www.BlackFinnDallas.com

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On Deck

redemption for a fallen saint?

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

SPORTS NEWS On Deck Bad Boys Bad Boys NHL Violence The Ranger Report Larry Brown at SMU Cowboys Draft Preview Ready. Set. Buy. Terrell Owens Interview Cover Story Mavs-Tastic NBA Playoff Preview Mavs Playoff Preview BLITZ Entertainment Laurean Leon Russell Seven Things in Seven Days Restaurant Review Uncle Walter Hollywood Shuffle Hollywood Profile Movie Preview Auto Review Gadgets Joystick Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News The CLOSER Weekend Relaxer The Answer Guy 2-Minute Drill Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Graphic Designer Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Photo Manny Flores Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

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Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mateeka Lanee, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith Contributing Photographers Parker Anderson, Andrew Chipley, Quoc Cong, Joseph Dowling, Adrian E., Guus Krol, Deborah Leigh, Matt Pearce, Scott Peek, Mike Pettigano, Gregory S., Amy Wagliardo, Oakley Originals, Rough Tough Contributing Writers Hannah Allen, Ashly Anderson, Arthur Bellfield, Jay Betsill, Ethan Harmon, Scott Holub, Dic Humphrey, Angela Navin, Aeryn Ripley, Quick Steve

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he path of righteousness does not come easy, especially when you’re at the center of the largest cash for pain scandal to hit the NFL. Former New Orleans Saints defensive coordinator, Gregg Williams has sent his advisors to meet with the top brass of the league.

They have gone, hat in hand, to ask what steps he can take during his suspension to help his cause (picture Oliver Twist pleading for more gruel). Allow me to chime in here and offer my two cents: TOO SOON! Williams’ banishment came to light only a few weeks ago, and his haunting tone and words filled with motive to target and injure players are still fresh in the public’s mind. His hasty approach to gain reprieve is kind of a rookie move.

Even kids that are grounded on Wednesday know that you don’t ask to go out on Saturday.

It takes time to repair the damage, and sometimes the stigma still lingers.

Just ask Michael Vick.

The league worked with Vick to help him set out a plan for reinstatement.

NFL.com states, “the suspended person is advised to keep a low profile until the stage where he is volunteering and beginning the public component of the process.” But Vick was also the product of a brilliant PR campaign. He went to jail and paid his debt to society. The sum of all these actions allowed the teams, league and public the chance to allow him back.

Most of the country is probably wondering if Williams’ behavior and the bounty program was

a deviation from the normal or a rare look inside the truth of the game. The uproar after the news surfaced was all so extreme. Some players and pundits accused Williams of being the worse embodiment of the sport, while others said this type of thing happens all the time. Who are we to believe?

Well, the admirable news out of all this is that Williams has apologized and wants to “to do what it takes to earn back the respect he has lost.” But does he understand how twisted his competitive mind became? He is expecting to make progress after two weeks in exile, and it makes him seem insincere.

Is he wanting rehabilitation to earn reinstatement, or because he realizes how rogue he’d become?

During this time Williams should be going to a sports therapist, staying out of the news, and visiting some of the young high school football players that are paralyzed each year. He should have stayed away and allowed time to dull enough memories so that his reinstatement would be a given.

As of now, Williams won’t be eligible to return until after the Super Bowl in 2013. Time is on his side to repair his image and to let the process play out before his future is decided. It is likely he will be brought back into the fold, but if he continues to not think this all through he may hurt himself in the end. To get back into everyone’s good graces, he’s going to have to play the part of a fallen saint. Each day he’ll need to take time to show humility and that he is capable of reflecting on his past and learning his lesson. Lucky for Williams, everyone loves a comeback.

Time for a Prison Break Beverly Hills PD were called to the home of Prison Break star Lane Garrison on suspicion of domestic violence. Ashley Mattingly, Lane’s ex-girlfriend, filed the complaint. Garrison, who claims innocence, is on parole stemming from a car accident that resulted in the death of a high school student. If convicted of domestic violence Lane will Yay, you’re famous! definitely be heading back to the So your cellmates pokey. will

know

your

name!

Jim Gaffigan @jimgaffigan Kids are supposed to be so tech savvy today but this 9-month-old just wants to lick my iPhone.

Stephen Colbert @stephenathome The Space Shuttle Discovery has arrived at the Smithsonian.

I’ve always said it was the Archie Bunker’s chair of space.

Andy Borowits @borowitzreport I think it’s a negative economic sign that the US is now shortchanging Colombian hookers.

“High” Tide Hip-hop superstar Rick Ross was cruising the Florida waters in his yacht this past weekend when the Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission officers cut the party short when they smelled marijuana. Passengers admitted to smoking the sticky icky but said they threw the evidence overboard. No arrests were made.

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April 25 - May 1, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33 Art by Michael H. Lee

what the puck? the nhl’s Spring of shame

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hile fighting and violence have always been a part of professional hockey, the 2012 NHL playoffs are gaining headlines – and television ratings - for what seems like an inordinate amount of rough, physical play, and little response from league officials.

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The overt roughness of these NHL playoffs started with the Nashville Predators Shea Weber’s attack on Detroit’s Henrik Zetterberg and the apparent lack of a strong punishment that followed. The league’s failure to suspend Weber for slamming Zetterberg’s face into the glass signaled to players that it was open season. Teams took notice of that and now you’re seeing every physical challenge be met with increased force.

The North American viewing audience has also taken note, as NBC ratings climbed 20 per cent over the 2011 playoffs. This has to be viewed as a crisis for the NHL. But what will likely be remembered by its growing audience is not the best hockey of the year, but perhaps the most barbaric. Raffi Torres of the Phoenix Coyotes has been suspended indefinitely for removing one of the Chicago Blackhawks’ best players — their leading scorer Marian Hossa — for perhaps an entire playoff series, maybe longer.

Hockey traditionalists contend “this has been going on forever.” In any given playoff year there are waves of violence, mainly when tra-

By Tony Barone– tbarone@blitzweekly.com ditional rivals hook up or there was a Claude Lemieux involved. But with these playoffs , even elite players like Sidney Crosby and Nicklas Backstrom are playing the roles of antagonist and violent offender. What’s going on now seems unprecedented. This sort of out-ofcontrol play, incidents worthy of suspensions, is happening in almost every first round series on every single night. We’ve already had eight bans totaling 15 games in the first week, Torres not included.

Last year, by contrast, three players were suspended for a total of seven games.

There is absolutely zero evidence that all this dangerous play — or even the fights — is the single or even main reason why NBC ratings have climbed.

There are all sorts of reasons why ratings are up.

One is that NBC is doing a quality telecast, the best ever by a U.S. broadcast or cable network. Another is that every single playoff game is being televised nationally for the first time in the U.S. Every playoff series is amazingly competitive, with a large number of see-saw scores, comebacks, onegoal and overtime results, some established rivalries and potential upsets that keep fans riveted to the TV just as much,

BLAM!

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if not more, than fights and headshots.

People slow down to look at car crashes every day. But that’s not why they go out driving, to see a wreck on the highway.

This wreck of a postseason still has a chance to recapture the lure of the Stanley Cup, but if it continues this way, there will probably be diminishing returns from the increased devastation, not the boost that the NHL is seeking.

Yes, it’s the hardest championship to win, but that doesn’t mean the players have to be maimed before it is awarded.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

April 25 - May 1, 2012

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Photos Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

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Upcoming Schedule: 4/25 yankees 7:05 p.m.

4/27 rays 7:05 p.m.

4/28 rays 7:05 p.m.

4/29 @blue jays 6:07 p.m.

4/22 @blue jays 6:07 p.m.

Veteran left-hander Darren Oliver, who helped the Rangers to the World Series in 2010 and 2011, has fared well in five outings, yielding just one earned run.

THE RANGER REPORT

everything goes rangers way again

By Mark Miller– mmiller@blitzweekly.com the season, our pitching staff has really picked us up. That’s the reason why we’re playing well.”

Tampa, Toronto follow Yankees After the Rangers host the New York Yankees for the final time this season Wednesday night, they get a day off before the Tampa Bay Rays come to town for the weekend. Then it’s back on the road to Toronto.

The Rays, whom the Rangers beat in the playoffs the last two years, entered this week with a 9-7 record after a 6-2 home victory Sunday against Minnesota. They have been led by third baseman Evan Longoria (.339 average, 14 RBI), right fielder Matt Joyce (.308, 4 HR, 7 RBI), first

In a week where their offense was in high gear and their pitching continued to shine, it was a foul ball ruled fair on a squeeze bunt that helped the Texas Rangers continue their successful 2012 start.

Alberto Gonzalez, substituting for an injured Adrian Beltre at third base (strained left hamstring), was the recipient of the break that gave the Rangers a 3-2 win in 11 innings in Sunday’s finale of a four-game series at Detroit.

It helped them win three of four games in a place they lost 13 of their previous 19 games, five of six for the week and an 8-1 road trip, tied for the best in team history. It also left them with a 13-3 record, best in the major leagues.

“The last few days have been a real test against a good team, and we responded,” Rangers Manager Ron Washington told mlb.com. “We’re playing good baseball, and we’re playing it the way it’s presented. We can play baseball any way it’s presented.”

The Rangers were presented with numerous offensive opportunities both in Detroit and previously in Boston and responded with three games of double-digit runs, 18-3 against Boston and 10-3 and 10-4 against the Tigers. Leading the way were Mike Napoli with home runs in the first four games of the week (five counting the previous Sunday) and Josh Hamilton with three homers, part of road trip where he was 18-for-39 (.462 average) with 10 runs scored, five home runs and 14 runs batted in “It’s awesome what Josh is doing right now,” teammate Nelson Cruz said. As impressive as the offense was, the strong starting pitching continued.

No starter yielded more than three runs as Boston and Detroit combined for just 18 runs in the seven games. Rookie left-handed reliever Robby Ross picked up his third win in Sunday’s game.

“We’re playing well,” said Michael Young. “The big thing is we’re pitching well. Obviously that’s a good Detroit team, but for the first few weeks of

baseman Carlos Pena (.304, 3 HR, 12 RBI) and designated hitter Luke Scott (.275, 3 HR, 14 RBI). The pitching staff has been keyed by James Shields (3-0 record, 2.76 earned run average) and Jeremy Hellickson (2-0, 3.26) and closer Fernando Rodney (1-0, 5-5 saves, 1.23).

Toronto finished last week at 9-6, tied with the Yankees atop the American League East Division.

The Blue Jays’ offense has been led by designated hitter Edwin Encarnacion at .323 with four HRs and 13 RBI. Kyle Drabek (2-0, 2.00) and Ricky Romero (3-0, 3.29) have anchored the pitching staff. Former Rangers closer Francisco Cordero has converted both his save opportunities.

Pumped up baseballHELP BLITZ FIND

Send Your Nomination to: info@blitzweekly.com Subject Line: Dallas’ Sexiest Bartender Include: Bartender’s name & bar.

Deadline: May 11

Dallas’ Sexiest Bartender!

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April 25 - May 1, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33 Photo Courtesies: Amy Wagliardo & Andrew Chipley

hi yo silver! the ponies have a new rider legendary coach larry brown takes over at smu

By Dic Humphrey – www.RattleAndHumSports.com

t is official. Hall of Famer Larry Brown has been announced as the new Men’s Basketball Head Coach at Southern Methodist University.

An agreement between the school and Brown was reportedly reached last Thursday after SMU spent weeks interviewing and attempting to woo a few presently employed coaches. Some of the names reported to have met with SMU include Marquette’s Assistant Coach Tony Benford, Oral Robert’s Scott Sutton and Illinois State’s Tim Jankovich. There is still the probability that Jankovich ends up at SMU as Brown’s Head Coach-in-Waiting. At 71 years old, Brown will be the secondoldest Division I Head Coach and has championed Jankovich as his replacement when the time comes for Brown to move on.

Moving on is just what this move is all about for SMU. The Mustangs are looking toward joining the Big East Conference in 2013, are undergoing over three million dollars worth of renovations to their facilities and have a legendary Head

Coach in Larry Brown to take them forward.

In a conversation with Dallas Morning News confirming the agreement, Brown said, “I’m thrilled that they think enough of me to put me in this position.” Brown went on to say, “I realize how important this hire is, going into the Big East.

But it’s a thrill. I always thought of myself as a college coach. Now this gives me a chance to get back where I started.”

Brown is replacing the dismissed Matt Doherty, who spent the last four years as the headman on the hilltop. Larry Brown brings with him the honor of being the only basketball coach to win both the NCAA National Title and the NBA World Title, which he won with the Detroit Pistons in 2004. Brown’s resume includes success at UCLA and Kansas. His last job was as the Head Coach of the NBA Charlotte Bobcats in 2010. This will be his first NCAA job since winning the National Title with Danny Manning and the Kansas Jayhawks in 1988.

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

April 25 - May 1, 2012

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Photo Courtesies: Mike Pettigano, Parker Anderson & Matt Pearce

The Highs and Lows of Cowboy Drafts By – Jay Betsill - @thefamousjay / Scott Holub - @cowboytrivia BEST COWBOYS DRAFT CLASS OF ALLTIME 1975 - ‘The Dirty Dozen’ draft produced nine starters including Randy White, Thomas ‘Hollywood’ Henderson, Mike Hegman, Randy Hughes and Bob Breunig. The 1975 Cowboys made it to Super Bowl X before falling to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

20th Pick), Marion Barber (Fourth Round, 109th Pick), Chris Canty (Fourth Round, 132nd Pick) and Jay Ratliff (Seventh Round, 224th pick).

HAND PICKED

By Jay Betsill – @thefamousjay / Scott Holub - @cowyboytrivia

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hen discussing the NFL Draft, one thing everyone can agree on is the fact that it is an inexact science.

How else can you explain the Raiders selection of QB JaMarcus Russell with the top overall pick in 2007 only to watch him finish 7-18 as a starter prior to his outright release on May 6, 2010 under a contract worth $61 million with $32 million guaranteed. On the other hand, New England Patriots QB Tom Brady was selected 199th overall in the 2000 draft behind such notable signal callers as Giovanni Carmazzi (San

BEST DRAFT SINCE 2000 2005 featuring DeMarcus Ware (First Round, 11th Pick), Marcus Spears (First Round,

Dallas cowboys DRAFT Fletcher Cox from Mississippi State or North Carolina’s Quinton Coples. Another option could be South Carolina’s Melvin Ingram or Alabama’s Courtney Upshaw as a way to bid farewell to underachieving linebacker Anthony Spencer. A ‘safe pick’ could end up being Stanford guard David DeCastro.

Depending on how the top selection falls and if Dallas chooses to move up or trade down, the remainder of the draft will begin to take fold. The Cowboys have the 13th pick in the 2nd round and the 18th pick in the 3rd round. They have

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he NFL Draft will make a lucky few into instant millionaires. Here’s what their first mil could get them.

BAC Mono Track Car This is ideal for getting to practice in a hurry.

Coach will never have to worry about you being late to the huddle. ($104,998) The Unscrupulous Lawyer To help you out of any of those pesky “Ben Roethlisberger-style” situations. (Every dime you’ve got)

WORST DRAFT SINCE 2000 2009 featuring Jason Williams, Stephen McGee, Brandon Williams, David Buehler, Victor Butler and John Phillips. *This woeful draft class is made worse by the trade of the team’s first-round pick for wide receiver Roy Williams.

NOTABLE LATE ROUND SELECTIONS 1964 - ROGER STAUBACH (10th round) Super Bowl VI MVP, 2x Super Bowl champion, Pro Football Hall of Fame 1985 1984 - Olympic gold medalist CARL LEWIS (12th round) - Never played a down in the NFL 1985 - HERSCHEL WALKER (5th round) - The ‘Herschel Walker Trade,’ on October 12, 1989 between Dallas and Minnesota. Need we say more?

NOTABLE FIRST ROUND BUSTS 1978 - LARRY BETHEA - DE/DT waived in 1983 after six years of failing to become a starter 1982 - ROD HILL - CB/KR who played for three teams in four seasons after Dallas before ending up in the Canadian Football League 1985 - KEVIN BROOKS - 17th overall pick, DT who rather than taking over for Randy White and Ed “Too Tall” Jones recorded a mere 12 sacks in four lackluster seasons in Dallas.

Selected one spot behind Jerry Rice and five spots ahead of William “The Refrigerator” Perry.

1997 - DAVID LAFLEUR - TE, 85 catches for 729 yards in four seasons

Francisco 49ers), Tee Martin (Pittsburgh Steelers) and Spergon Wynn (Cleveland Browns). Brady has two Super Bowl MVP awards in his three Super Bowl victories.

These are extreme examples of how the NFL Draft can sometimes come down to good old fashioned luck in the intense war rooms in spite of all the information that teams have on each player. Following the Cowboys free agent signing of cornerback Brandon Carr, the priority is still to upgrade the defense. They need help at defensive line, linebacker and safety. While Brodney Pool was signed as a free agent to take Abram Elam’s spot, don’t expect Jones and company to remain content after the past few years of subpar secondary production. Should Alabama safety Mark Barron be of the board when Dallas selects at No. 14, it could signal the availability of a defensive lineman such as

two picks in the 4th round and one each in the 5th, 6th and 7th rounds. It is doubtful that there will be a repeat of the 2005 draft, but every fan of America’s Team can only hope that there is no repeat of the 2009 debacle.

ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper has a bestcase scenario with his top three selections for the Dallas Cowboys and here it is: Round 1: Mark Barron, S, Alabama Round 2: Andre Branch, OLB, Clemson Round 3: Justin Bethel, CB, Presbyterian Prediction for Cowboys 2012 First Round Selection: Jay Betsill – Mark Barron S, Alabama Scott Holub – David DeCastro – OG, Stanford

Louis Vuitton Monogramed Teddy Bear Just because you’re now a millionaire doesn’t mean that you won’t get home sick. Snuggle up at night to this guy and dream of being back home with friends.

Just don’t let your teammates find him. ($182,000) 166,667 Fletcher’s Corny Dogs Make everyone at the Texas State Fair smile for a day by footing the bill for our favorite deep-fried happiness on a stick.

Iced Out Diamond Chain Because hey, who needs a 401K when you can wear your retirement plan around your neck? ($250,000)

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April 25 - May 1, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33 Photo Courtesy: Scott Peek

BLITZ-To-Go

You Like. You Follow. You Win.

the longest yard

inside the playbook of one of football’s most interesting minds

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

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Your Favorite Publication Has Gone Mobile

ditor’s note: You can form whatever opinions you want about Terrell Owens. The little voice in your head could dismiss his talent by telling you that he’s too cocky, he’s hard to deal with or that guy isn’t a team player – it may tell you all of these things but don’t believe them. The truth is that Mr. Owens is one of the greatest wide receivers to ever play the game.

He has won, he has lost, and he’s ready for more.

Abiding by the laws of perpetual motion, he just keeps moving forward. Although it may seem to be fourth and long this former Cowboy is just beginning to get going.

happens a second or two quicker than in the NFL.

With your return to North Texas, how has the reception to you been?

T.O: It’s been awesome. Not that I didn’t expect it but it’s definitely refreshing to come back and people still support me.

actually making a team, considering I never envisioned myself playing at that level.

What differences do you see between the NFL and the IFL? T.O: Just the general makeup of the game. It’s 8 on 8, the field is shorter, the routes are no deeper than about 15 or 20 yards and everything Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

As an owner of the Allen Wranglers, what are your plans for the future of the team?

T.O: To create more awareness for the IFL and to do whatever I can to make the team successful from a team and business standpoint, in whatever capacity I can.

What is your greatest achievement?

T.O: Probably getting drafted into the NFL and

What is your greatest fear?

T.O: Not succeeding, and notice I didn’t say failure because the word failure has such a negative connotation to it.

What would be your dream scenario for entering back into the NFL? T.O: Just getting an opportunity to play again. I

just want a fair chance. I’m not worried about my abilities...my work will speak for itself. Given the fact that despite my age, people are given more opportunities that have done far worse things than I have.

Do you plan on doing more reality TV or acting?

T.O: The reality is I’m done with reality TV and acting will be more of my focus moving forward.

Where do you see yourself in the next two years?

O: Finishing football long-term and getting ready for the next phase of my life.

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April 25 - May 1, 2012

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We went through the trouble of putting together the Mavs AllTime starting five and sixth man. Let’s see if you agree.

PG Jason Kidd Why: Co-Rookie of the Year (1995), 10x All-Star, (two as a Mav), World Champion SG Rolando Blackman Why: 4x All-Star (two as a Mav), 18.0 ppg, never fouled out of a game SF Mark Aguirre

Tyson Chandler Why: Great defense and fierce competitor.

Helped get the Mavs over the hump to get their first title

Why: 3x All-Star as a Mav, 20.ppg, third in franchise points

Off the Bench

PF Dirk Nowitzki

Why: 8x All-Star (twice as a Mav)

Why: World Champion, Finals MVP, 11x All-Star, NBA MVP (2007), and he’s flipping awesome

PG Steve Nash

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April 25 - May 1, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

eastern conference preview

western conference preview

will a winning beast emerge from the east this year?

here is your look at the best in the west

2. Miami Heat The big news out of Miami is that Dwayne Wade was hurt during the opening minutes of Saturday’s loss with a dislocated left index finger. The drama with this team is so intense with everybody watching to see if the Big Three can manufacture a championship. They are still enemy #1 in the NBA. 3. Indiana Pacers Pacers president Larry Bird sent a letter to NBA media members who vote for postseason awards urging them to vote for Frank Vogel for Coach of the Year. Vogel has led the Pacers to their best winning percentage since the 2003-04 season, and they’ll host the first round of the playoffs for the first time since that season. They are deep and talented but largely unproven in the playoffs.

4. Boston Celtics Kevin Garnett is delivering a warning. “Never count us out,” he said. “One of the hardest things, I’ve always said in this league, is to create chemistry. I think that’s what you’ve seen since the All-Star break, we’ve come back refreshed, focused.” Don’t look now but the Celtics have reestablished themselves as a serious contender.

By Geoff Case – @geoffcase

1. Chicago Bulls Last year, the Bulls finished the regular season on a nine-game winning streak but still had problems with No. 8 Indiana in the first round. This time, they’ve gone 8-6 over the last 14, but history has shown there is little connection between playing well late in the season and succeeding in the playoffs. Last year’s MVP Derrick Rose, has been inured for a huge chunk of the season and the Bulls simply kept winning. The Bulls are 17-9 in the 26 games Rose has missed. The bench is deep and Taj Gibson and Kyle Korver provide a spark off the bench. The Bulls are a very dangerous team to face in a seven game series.

By Geoff Case – @geoffcase

1. San Antonio Spurs The Three Amigos are riding tall as the playoffs approach.

Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker are channeling their inner champions of years past at the right time. Tony Parker is one of the many Spurs peaking with the playoffs right around the corner. He is simply playing out of his mind right now.

2. Oklahoma City Thunder The Thunder’s starting lineup can match any team in the league when it comes to size. Their defensive flexibility and the offensive juggernaut of Durant/Westbrook/Harden will make them an extremely tough out this year. The Thunder are undoubtedly one of the favorites to come out of the West.

3. Los Angeles Lakers Lakers coach Mike Brown said the key to the Lakers’ success in tight games in the final minutes is the same as it was for him in Cleveland. His basic mantra, he said, is: “Hey, let’s defend.” What Brown is failing to mention is Kobe Bryant’s knee. Bryant’s health is the #1 determining factor in the Lakers hopes of winning another championship.

4. Los Angeles Clippers The acquisition of Chris Paul has completely changed the outlook on the Clippers future. Paul’s ability to take over games in crunch time alone can win this team 3-4 games in the playoffs. However, Blake Griffin’s inability to hit his free throws might cripple this team down the stretch.

5. Memphis Grizzlies Home cooking? Memphis has won a season-high nine consecutive home games. The Grizzlies are a completely different team at home and should win some big games there.

The big question is whether Zac Randolph can become the half court monster he was last year in the playoffs.

5. Atlanta Hawks Atlanta couldn’t have scripted it much better at this point in the season. Joe Johnson has gotten himself in rhythm right in time for the playoffs clearing up a huge question mark. They are flying under the radar as much as any other team in the league.

6. Denver Nuggets The key factor for the Denver Nuggets to have success in the playoffs is whether they can get Danilo Gallinari playing at a high level. He’s the one player they have that has the ability to put the team on his back offensively. They will need him to be an efficient scorer to advance in the post-season.

6. Orlando Magic Knowing the odds really are stacked against them now without Dwight Howard, the Magic players are having T-shirts printed with their new slogan: “We all we got,” a line taken from the 1991 movie “New Jack City.” Look out for Orlando who might be primed to deliver a first round upset. They are playing with an intense hunger right now.

7. Dallas Mavericks The Mavericks have been playing great defense this season but struggle to come up with key rebounds down the stretch.

Their interior defense and rebounding needs to improve dramatically for the Mavericks to have any hopes of making an extended playoff run.

7. New York Knicks The Knicks are as dangerous a team as you can find in the league right now. They have one of the best half court scorers in the game in Carmelo Anthony who can dominate in a slowed down playoff series. Tyson Chandler has finally fixed their defense and can single handily alter the course of a playoff series with his staunch interior defense.

8. Utah Jazz They made the playoffs by playing hard and fighting through tough games and they need to continue that to experience any success in the playoffs. They do not have the talent to match up with any of the top seeds in the West but they might have the match-ups. Al Jefferson can be a dominant low post scorer in the half court.

8. Philadelphia 76ers The 76ers are on the verge of qualifying for the playoffs in consecutive seasons. They play exceptionally well team ball with great perimeter scorers who can light it up at any time. “I told the guys, ‘Let’s give ourselves a chance to get in the playoffs and see what we can do,’” 76ers coach Doug Collins said.

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

By Geoff Case @GeoffCase The defending NBA champs lost numerous key pieces during the offseason. Can they defend their title with their new cast of players and overcome the train wreck that was Lamar Odom?

Offense The Mavericks offense for the last decade starts and stops with the shot making ability of Dirk Nowitzki. He showed the world that he was the most deadly half court scorer in the league in their title run last season.

His mere presence on the court creates open shots for teammates and distorts defensive spacing to create driving lanes. The secondary scoring options on this team will need to make major contributions if the Mavericks hope to have an extended playoff run. That means that they will need efficient scoring nights from Jason Terry, Delonte West, and Vince Carter on a consistent basis. This team will severely miss the dribble penetration that J.J. Barea provided last year and will need to push Roddy Beaubois to drive the lane with more frequency and tenacity than he showed during the regular season. The Mavericks have struggled offensively for long stretches during games specifically in the third quarter. They will have to quickly find an answer to these issues if they want a chance to repeat as champions.

Defense Initially the Mavericks looked like they weren’t going to miss Tyson Chandler and Deshawn Stevenson as much as everyone believed. This

April 25 - May 1, 2012

11

was due to Shawn Marion playing elite defense all season long and the rest of the league experiencing a lockout hangover. In fact, Coach Rick Carlisle has continued his campaign to garner attention for small forward Shawn Marion as a Defensive Player of the Year candidate.

However, the warts are going to show in the playoffs because of their inability to get key rebounds in the paint. Brendan Haywood started out the season strong but slowly faded into the background as Ian Mahinmi and Brendan Wright stole his minutes game by game. Simply put, this team is severely missing Tyson Chandler’s activity, defense, and leadership on the defensive side of the ball. The Mavericks will need all the bigs on the roster to play phenomenally to recreate the type of defense and actively down low that propelled them to their first title last season.

Intangibles The biggest thing the Mavericks have going for them in this year’s playoffs is experience, health, and scheduled rest.

The lockout schedule has been brutal to older teams like the Mavericks and having a regular rest schedule should do wonders for key members of the team like Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, and Jason Terry. The key veteran leadership was crucial to the Mavericks outlasting younger teams in crunch time like the Heat and Thunder in last year’s run. The Mavericks will need every bit of savvy and knowhow to advance past the top seeds this season.

Will the Mavs repeat?

The Mavericks have an extremely talented team that could make an extended playoff run but I don’t believe they have all the pieces to go the distance. They are missing the presence in the paint that can consistently alter opponent’s shots and direct the team defensively that Tyson Chandler provided in spades. The Mavericks won’t go down quietly but you can’t ignore there was a certain amount of air that went out of the sails when they let key member walk away from the team last off-season. One thing I’d really like to point out is this might be an end of an era for the Mavericks. All Mavs fans should sit back and enjoy what might be JET, Kidd, and Dirk’s last run together.

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12

April 25 - May 1, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

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See more of Laurean and others at Blitzweekly.com Model: Laurean Photo Courtesy: XO Photography www.xophotography.com Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

laurean

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

April 25 - May 1, 2012

13

leon russell and kirby brown american rock n’ roll

Photos Courtesy:The Granada Theater

I

MateekaAllen– Lanee’hallen@blitzweekly.com – Mateekalanee.wordpress.com

By Hannah

t’s not everyday a girl my age is privileged to stand 50 feet from a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee, but last week I was privileged to step into a sold-out Granada Theater to hear Leon Russell grace Dallas with his presence. Earlier this month Capitol/ EMI released a 16 - track CD called The Best Of Leon Russell, which includes his iconic live performance of Jumpin’ Jack Flash/Youngblood from The Concert For Bangladesh and the very special “If It Wasn’t For Bad” from Russell and Elton John’s 2010 duet album The Union.

After checking out the merch booth in the lobby I headed into the theater to hear opener Kirby Brown and his band warm up the space with their honest Americana sound. This was a big night for Kirby and his band members as Leon Russell is a notable icon not

only in the rock world but in their personal evolution as musicians.

“Looking back it’s hard to pick out parts of it that were the best,” Brown told me a few days after the show. An admittedly shaky start to his set gave way to his characteristic confidence a few numbers in which the seated crowd, comprised largely of concert goers in their early 50s, began to respond to. “I’ve played shows where it takes the crowd 40 minutes to get on board with you and being a younger band, sort of ‘looking the part,’ I’m sure, made people take a minute to decide if they liked what we were all about.” With their footing found Brown and his band finished solidly, laying the proverbial red carpet for Mr. Russell as the presence of legitimate Hell’s Angels continued to increase throughout the house. Upon further research this is a common occurrence at Leon Russell shows.

I found their presence leant itself to the authenticity of the entire evening.

Born in Southwest Oklahoma in 1942 Leon Russell began playing in nightclubs at age 14. In his 50-year career he is perhaps the most accomplished and versatile musician in rock n’ roll history. His incredible success as a session musician, arranger, producer, singer, songwriter, pianist, guitarist, record company owner, bandleader, and touring musician is not limited to obscure but significant acts but rather the truly iconic artists of the rock world including George Harrison, Eric Clapton, Joe Cocker, The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, John Lennon, B.B. King, Ike & Tina Turner, Frank Sinatra and Aretha Franklin to name a very select few.

Leon Russell took the stage much like God seating himself upon a throne, long white hair and longer white beard saddled under an enormous white Stetson. After taking his place behind the raised piano he wasted no time getting to the music. The banter between tunes was, arguably, as enjoyable as the actual music itself. Stories including the who’s-who of rock and roll, old flames and jokes about Tulsa preceded inspired covers such as Bob Dylan’s renowned ‘A Hard Rain is Going to Fall,’ numerous Rolling Stones covers and a boogied out version of the peppy Beatles song ‘I’ve Just Seen A Face.’ During masterful deliveries of his more popular tunes such as ‘Tight Rope Wire’ and ‘A Song for You,’ the audience responded in frenzy and reverence, respectively.

“It was its own Sunday service,” Kirby Brown said.

“Definitely a spiritual experience for me,” he continues after describing a brief meeting with Mr. Russell after the show. “I introduced myself and said, ‘Opening this show for you tonight is the honor of a lifetime.’ He looked me in the eyes and said, ‘Bless your heart.’ Not like a joke, but like your Grandma might say, like a blessing from him to me.”

If you were fortunate enough to catch Leon Russell and Kirby Brown (or just enjoy either) the good folks at the Granada would like to invite you to see Steve Earl with The Mastersons on April 26th and Reckless Kelly with local favorite The King Bucks on April 28th. Both shows still have tickets available at www.granadatheater.com.

Photo Courtesies: Darryl Briggs, Oakley Originals, Deborah Leigh, Rough Tough, Guus Krol

WED. 4/25

The Magic Flute AT&T Performing Arts Center – Dallas

Alright so we did giggle a bit when we first heard the name, does that mean we can’t enjoy some things of high culture from time to time? Submit to the musing of the magical flute.

7:30pm

thurs.

4/26

Team up against sleep apnea Renaissance Hotel – Dallas

Former Cowboys Nate Newton and Derek Kennard are teaming up to raise awareness for sleep apnea. Join the guys and Dr. Harry Suggs and learn more about the disorder.

2pm.

Fri. 4/27

Sat. 4/28

Sun. 4/29

Our boys suit up to do battle on the diamond against our sworn enemies from the cursed state of Florida and afterwards pillage their locker room and raid their team bus! Sic semper tyrannis! 7pm.

This event is sure to be fun as shown by the “z” in Kidz. Let your littles have a great time and learn how to keep them active with aerobics, rock climbing, Zumba and more. 1pm.

Okay, so the chefs aren’t actually on fire but this will still be a great event. 50 local chefs will pair up with 50 of Big D’s finest in fire and rescue for a good old fashion grilling. 8am.

Rays vs. Rangers Rangers Ballpark – Arlington

Get Kidz fit Dallas Market Hall – Dallas

chefs on fire The Shops at Park Lane – Dallas

mon.

4/30

tues.

5/1

Take the family out to the ballgame and cheer on the RoughRiders as they take on the visiting Corpus Christi Hooks. A rough ride with hooks involved, this could get interesting. 7pm.

The English songstress and her band are coming to town. The Grammy winning band will pack the house out, which makes sense, they have been nominated for 40+ awards for their awesomeness. 8pm.

hooks vs.

RoughRiders Dr. Pepper Ballpark – Frisco

Florence and the machine The Palladium Ballroom – Dallas

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14

April 25 - May 1, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

Townhouse Kitchen + Bar welcome to your new happy place

By Angela Navin – comments@BlitzWeekly Nestled at the entrance of Galleria Dallas is a “Class-chic” example of the modern dining experience. Townhouse Kitchen + Bar emits a McKinney Ave. feel and energy without the parking problem. The place has a casual yet warm and inviting styling to it making it easy to get comfortable and truly be able to enjoy your meal in a cozy atmosphere.

ATMOSHPERE Townhouse has a very contemporary feel to it, but uses Earth tones to nurture the inviting energy.

Every picture on the wall and fixture has been carefully picked to make you feel more at ease with your soundings. For those of you looking for the “bar” part of the Kitchen + Bar, they have one equipped with eight big screens to satisfy the sports junkie in all of us. They also have a plethora of local and imported craft beer to help drown your sorrow after your team chokes in the 9th inning. Also, remember to dress nice (business casual will do) this is not Twin Peaks.

FOOD The dishes that I would recommend would be the Sesame Crusted Tuna (it was delightful and was seasoned just right), the fire grilled Bacon Wrapped Gulf Shrimp (the grilled taste makes this dish really come alive), and the Pecan Pork Chop (try and tell me it isn’t great…I dare you). I was less impressed with the Mac & Cheese with apple wood bacon; it came out tasting a bit too close to Velveeta. The BBQ Duck Quesadilla was bold and flavorful and definitely an appetizer worth ordering.

SERVICE The dining experience here was great not simply because of the food but also because of the

Townhouse Kitchen + Bar 13270 Dallas Pkwy Dallas, TX 75250 (972) 300-0986 www.townhousedallas.com Hours: Mon-Thu 11:30am-11pm Fri-Sat 11:30am-12am Sun 11:30am-11pm

Photos Courtesy: Adrian E. & Gregory S.

care that the staff provided. Our waiter was knowledgeable and was able to make spot on recommendations for everyone at the table.

Their presence enhanced our meal and made the evening as a whole much more enjoyable.

your normal bar & grill. Nothing about this place is impulsive; from the décor to your plate every move was pondered then mastered. They want you to step inside, sit down, feel comfortable, and enjoy your meal – mission accomplished.

BLITZ-WORTHY The casually upscale atmosphere and familiar food selection delivered in a different way is what makes Townhouse Kitchen + Bar truly Blitz-Worthy.

It’s not overpriced making it a good way to turbocharge your daily routine by stepping outside of

What to eat: BBQ Duck Quesadilla, Carnitas, Pecan Pork Chop, Grilled Atlantic Salmon Who eats there: Business professionals, yuppies in training, and the refined sports fan

talking pop culture with UNcle walter

let’s see how blitz weekly’s dear old uncle walter feels about some of the hottest topics of the day

comments@blitzweekly.com Dick Clark’s Final Countdown

Romney vs. Obama

Uncle Walter: He was a real showman and class act, a gentleman beyond measure. I’m gonna miss him. Who are talking about again?

Kim Kardashian Running For Mayor

Uncle Walter: The who? I got a telegram once from this busty flight attendant. Don’t tell your aunt Dorothy!

Hologram Tupac Uncle Walter: I think that’s a great idea. She would make a great leader. It would be like a hot Margaret Thatcher.

Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Uncle Walter: This country is doomed either way. I’d say stock up on Pork ‘n’ Beans and bottled water. Oh, and butter too, they probably won’t be selling butter after the apocalypse.

Facebook-Instagram Merger

Uncle Walter: Tupac? If we’re gonna bring musicians back from the dead we should bring back Tom Petty first. [We inform Uncle Walter that Tom Petty is still alive] No s*t huh? Shame.

iPhone’s Siri

Uncle Walter: Just what I need, another woman telling me what to do.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

April 25 - May 1, 2012

15

HollywoodPROFILE - DIFF Wrap Up -A

nd the winner is...

By Aeryn Ripley– @BlitzWeekly

Ted Nugent - Resolved his issue with the Secret Service last week. The problem started with some comments the rocker made that were left open to interpretation involving the President. Nugent had to meet with the presidential protectors and said this after the meeting, “The meeting could not have gone better.” Ted rocked the stage in Grand Prairie this past weekend.

Kayne West - Has set the tabloids on fire with his budding relationship with Kim Kardashian. The multiGrammy winning musician has taken her out for ice cream and even met Kim’s family. Unlike both of their other 7,895,453,234 relationships we’re sure this one will work out.

Phil Spector - Isn’t too happy with the city of Alhambra, CA. The rockerturned-murderer is suing the city claiming his home (where he killed actress Lana Clarkson) is being affected by a construction project. Although Spector is currently in prison for 19 years to life, he doesn’t want his property on the outside to suffer.

After two weeks of films, “festing” and fun, the Dallas International Film Festival has called it a wrap for another outstanding year of programming and star studded galas and centerpiece screenings. The big winners were announced at the awards gala this past weekend where they walked away with over $70,000 in cash and prizes!

Two kaleidoscopic films with distinct visual flair took top honors in the Narrative & Documentary Feature competitions: Kristina Nikolova’s Bulgarian film FAITH, LOVE & WHISKEY won the narrative category and Bill and Turner Ross’s TCHOUPITOULAS for documentary. The Narrative competition jury also gave a Special Mention for Breakout Performance to Michael Rainey Jr. for LUV and a Special Mention for Acting for Kim Kold in TEDDY BEAR.

The strong lineup in this year’s Texas Competition meant the jury had a difficult decision to make, but Ya’ke Smith’s much-talked-about directorial debut WOLF was awarded the $30,000 camera package courtesy of PANAVISION. The jury also gave a Special Mention to David Zellner’s KID-THING.

Nearly two years to the day since Deepwater Horizon exploded and oil poured into the Gulf, Bryan D. Hopkins accepted the Environmental Visions Grand Jury Prize for his documentary DIRTY ENERGY, a personal look into the trials of the citizens directly affected by this disaster. With only $200 in his bank account

After years of producing solid, entertaining super hero films and teasing fans with their infamous after-the-credits scenes, Marvel is finally going to give audiences the big hero mash-up that they have been waiting for with The Avengers.

With it still being weeks from hitting theaters nationwide and tickets are already selling out. The film is expected to pull in Dark Knight money, shattering box office records. But with a movie of this caliber, there is going to be a fair amount of skepticism. What if it does not live up to expectations? What if it’s just another Michael Bay-like action movie? Silence those groans and read on, for I am here to put minds at ease.

Marvel, having already put out installments of

Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America, realized that this movie will need to pull out all the stops – character moments, big action sequences,

and on food stamps, Hopkins traveled to Louisiana to highlight these ongoing personal struggles that have since been forgotten in the mainstream news cycle.

For the second year running, Lauren Embrey presented the $10,000 Silver Heart Award courtesy of the Embrey Family Foundation.

Inspired by the film’s courage and the need to necessitate change, Kirby Dick’s THE INVISIBLE WAR won the award as it most represented a filmmaker’s dedication to fighting injustices and creating social change for the improvement of humanity.

Dana O’Keefe’s AARON BURR, PART 2 won the Grand Jury Prize in the Shorts Competition.

A Special Mention went to Brent Hoff’s THE LOVE COMPETITION and a Special Mention for Unique Storytelling in the Student Shorts went to Afarin Eghbal’s GRANDMOTHERS. The Grand Jury Prize winner of the Student Shorts was Justin Tipping’s NANI, which also walked away with the overall Audience Award for Best Short. Reel FX presented the award for Best Animated Short to Grant Orchard’s A MORNING STROLL.

In the year that the International Spotlight focused on South Korea, it seemed especially fitting that the Audience Award for Best Narrative went to Kang Je-kyu’s epic MY WAY. Closer to home, Bess Kargman’s family-friendly FIRST POSITION won the Audience Award for Best Documentary.

humorous banter – and that is exactly why they chose the perfect candidate for the position.

Joss Whedon, a man who has received immense praise for his previous film and comic works, wrote the script for the film and directed the project. Such a thing is a big task for anyone and it may make fans a little worried about the overall product, but fear not, for Whedon is a master of his craft. Having written the most celebrated run on Astonishing X-Men in comic book history, Whedon is no stranger to writing stories that revolve around an ensemble. And with his directing credits (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Serenity), Whedon knows how to capture a scene and incorporate

The winners of the Grand Jury Prizes for all the competitions each received Movie Magic Budgeting and Scheduling software bundles from Entertainment Partners.

“This year’s Dallas Film Society Honors paid tribute to both the indie filmmaker and the film industry veteran,” said James Faust, artistic director of the Dallas Film Society. “From Ya’ke Smith with his directorial debut to Eric Pleskow who has scores of films under his belt, from acknowledging Gabourey Sidibe’s rising star to Laura Linney’s expansive career, we want to applaud the new visionaries alongside those who have the breadth of experience that most can only dream about. This Honors event is our way of giving back to those who have impacted and continue to impact the face of cinema. I am exceptionally proud of the winners this year.”

Congratulations to all of this year’s winners, and we’ll see you at the fest in 2013!

By Ethan Harmon blackstar4556@gmail.com everything that it needs.

Marvel’s Avengers is the first of its kind, tying together multiple movies while also being a standalone affair. With Whedon at the helm of writing and directing, the movie will undoubtedly convey each scene perfectly. The master-class of actors will breathe life into these super heroes. But let’s get down to it people: this is the Avengers! I can analyze this thing all day, but in the end, this is the epic movie that we have all been waiting for. This movie is going to have some of the greatest action sequences in modern film making, all of which involve some of our favorite super heroes. So buy your tickets and see this movie as soon as possible!

MoviePReview of AVENGERS

By Vivian Fullerlove — vfullerlove@blitzweeky.com

Dallas Polo Club

OUTSIDE SALES

LIKE HORSES?

GOOD SALESPERSON? 50% COMMISSION CALL TODAY! WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG

C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1 Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

16

April 25 - May 1, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

AuTOReview: Lamborghini Urus Bump the horn on a raging bull

Photo Courtesy: Automobili Lamborghini S.p.A.

By Quick Steve– @blitzweekly.com

S Devium Dash We’ve long thought it was stupid to hook up your iPhone to a car stereo that then makes you use its convoluted control system instead of the iPhone itself. Apparently, so did these guys. The Devium Dash is a new in-dash car stereo that is built around a faceplate made to accomodate an iPhone or iPod touch, securing it in a CNC’d aluminum and plastic cradle while giving you full access to the touchscreen and all your apps. Other features of the Dash include a double-din body, 50W x 4 output with 2 preamp outputs, and your choice of standard aluminum or anodized black or white finishes. Arriving in July. ($290-$340)

ign number 743 of the apocalypse: upon the roadways shall be unleashed a Lamborghini that can actually hit potholes.

The diabolical minds at Automobili Lamborghini have unveiled a vehicle so blasphemous to its pedigree that the very sight of it has sent the whole automotive world into a frenzy. Behold the Urus, the mother of all overthe-top SUVs. Although, the Urus is still in its concept phase it has torn the parchment of which the Sport Utility Vehicle constitution was written on to shreds. Lamborghini is promising 600 of the finest-turned thoroughbred horses under the hood and permanent allwheel-drive.

The Italian exquisite automaker has a past with vehicles capable of off-roading, the LMoo2 (produced

from 1986-1993) also known as the “Rambo Lambo” is still a sought after collectors item of obscure automobile aficionados.

Stephan Winkelmann, president of Lamborghini says, “SUVs stand for freedom and emotion.” I would have to agree, but could you really see yourself lugging around your kid’s tuba or science project in your Lamborghini? Or how about strapping that kayak to the top of your six-figure truck? Lamborghini sure wants you to; they have even dubbed the new trekker “the everyday Lamborghini.” All around the world you can hear affluent soccer moms rejoice. No official date has been set for production or price for that matter, but c’mon it’s a Lamborghini, either you can afford it or you can’t.

GameReview of diablo 3 beta Very few games have enjoyed enduring success like Diablo 2. When Blizzard released the game in 2000, I doubt even they could have predicted the unprecedented success with which the game was met. It was Console: hailed as an instant classic, one MAC OSX, Microsoft Windows that anyone – casual or hardcore Rating: – could enjoy. To say that there high expectations for Diablo 3 M are is a criminal understatement.

Developers: Well, worry not. Having played Blizzard Entertainment the beta to death, I can confidently say that it is every bit deserving of its title as one could hope. The controls are flawless, the graphics are silky smooth, and the 8 out of 10 level of depth puts its predecessor to shame. Many cried foul Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

By Ashly Anderson – www.almostnerdy.com

when Blizzard announced that they were removing skill trees and controlled allocation of stat points, as they felt like the RPG element was being removed. This is not incorrect, but to focus solely on that is to take it out of context. Instead, Blizzard has given players the ability to manually alter their abilities with runes, which can have drastic effects on how they are used.

This is still a beta. The final product has the potential to be different than what people are playing now, though I seriously doubt that will happen. What should be taken from it is that the game that fans have spent the last 12 years pining for will soon be in their hands, and will be every bit as groundbreaking and entertaining as they had hoped.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

Q: How did the blonde die at the baseball game?

A: She drowned during the wave…

Q: Why don’t lawyers play hideand-seek?

A: Nobody will look for them.

Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

A: He decided to stick it out for one more year.

April 25 - May 1, 2012

The Bet

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, “I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop.” The bartender said, “There is no way you can do that. Sure, I’ll bet you three hundred dollars.”The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup. The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, “That’s it, you owe me three hundred dollars.”The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.

The bartender asks, “Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet.” The man said, “I’m laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done.”

Taurus April 20 – May 20 Your birthday this week will be a joyous occasion when your parents present you with your test tube.

Gemini May 21 – June 21 You’ve always believed that selecting the right blow up doll would be an easy task… until you were presented with that task.

Cancer June 22 – July 22 Your deep-seated belief that travel broadens the mind explains why you haven’t left the Metroplex in years.

17

Blitz Funnys

WHAT WINE GOES WITH THIS? If you enjoy eating meat pies, this could be of interest. April 15, 2012, Globo TV network reported from Garanhuns, Brazil: “Police have arrested three people for allegedly killing at least two women, eating parts of their bodies and using the flesh to make stuffed pastries known as empanadas that they sold to neighbors in this northeastern Brazil city.”

...AND, WHILE WE’RE AT IT You ever move to a new home, then realize you left something very important behind? A Toledo, Ohio,

couple, Kenisha Pruitt, 20, and Antonio Cervantes, 18, did. In fact, when their old landlord checked out a freezer, and found a baby’s frozen remains, both were arrested and charged with child endangerment. (Endangerment?)

PARANOIA …ANYONE? On your computer or cell phone, do you “Google” map directions? If so, did you know, while Google’s cameras were driving around videotaping your street, home and yard, according to The New York Times, “...Google first revealed in 2010 that cars it was using to map streets also were sweeping up sensitive personal information from wireless home networks...”

And, on April 14, 2012, ...“federal regulators charged that Google had ‘deliberately impeded and delayed’ an investigation into the data collection...” (In the first quarter of 2012, Google’s reported income was $2.89 b-i-l-l-i-o-n.)

Leo July 23 – August 22 That new diet you started this week seems to be working since you haven’t eaten in three days.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Surprise your co-workers at the office by offering everyone a drink of your special Jonestown “Kool-Aid”.

Virgo August 23 – September 22 You’ll become a household name later this week when society is in need of an example for “someone who just doesn’t get it.”

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Love means different things to different people, unfortunately you are not included.

Libra September 23 – October 22 The beer goggles you have on will suddenly “make things right” on Friday night.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Walk confidently in the direction of your life’s dreams just know that it’s a long walk to Hawaii.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 No notable changes for you this week.

ACROSS: 1. Probabilities 5. Poplar tree 10. Playlet 14. Flippant 15. Craze 16. Walk in water 17. Winglike 18. Hades 20. Readable 22. Without a weapon 23. D 24. Prepared 25. A gaudy outward display 32. Gleam 33. Subtract 34. An old rustic dance 37. Lease 38. Small fatty European fish 39. Carpenter’s groove 40. Female sheep 41. Minty drink 42. Also called Peter 43. Immeasurable

45. Cantaloupe for example 49. Gist 50. Filling material 53. Try 57. Excusable 59. Story 60. Not pre-recorded 61. Extraterrestrial 62. Biblical garden 63. Distinctive flair 64. Delineated 65. Chair

Pisces February 19 – March 20 Cashing in your 401K to start your own cat opera will be your downfall.

Aries March 21 – April 19 You’ll learn a valuable lesson about sharing when you take your wife to a swinger’s club.

DOWN: 1. Iridescent gem 2. Expunge 3. Haul 4. Shrill 5. Talisman 6. Curse 7. Terminate 8. Place 9. Acquire deservedly 10. Cursed 11. Fate 12. Stagnated 13. Woman’s undergarment 19. Alerts 21. Not straight 25. Monster 26. Killed 27. Prong 28. Enough 29. Rubber wheels 30. Awkward 31. Not in 34. Doorpost 35. False god 36. Departed

38. Our star 39. Insulin deficiency 41. Bellicose nationalist 42.

Porn 44. Have in mind 45. Official tree of Canada 46. Electronic letters 47. Stage between egg and pupa 48. Bygone 51. A Freudian stage 52. French Sudan 53. Away from the wind 54. Fabricated 55. Urgent request 56. Canvas dwelling 58. Container

Solution on Page 18 Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

18

April 25 - May 1, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

The CLOSER

Loser Pale Ale Brewed by: Elysian Brewing Company ABV: 7.00% This brew pours a nice hazy amber color with a creamy tan head and nice lacing. It has a huge hop scent with hints of sweet citrus. Malt is definitely present upon first taste and some fruitiness with a clean finish. Loser Pale Ale is medium bodied with plenty of carbonation. It’s well balanced and better than expected.

Bauza Bauza Churchill Wrapper: Ecuador Binder: Dominican Filler: Dominican Strength: Full-Bodied This big stick is firm and tan with very few veins. It’s well constructed and firm. Presmoke has a lemony scent and creaminess. It starts off mild but builds. About halfway through the flavors become more complex. The last third the smoke becomes much fuller.

Overall it burned evenly and is pleasant.

Dear Arthur,

The

Answer

Guy with

Arthur Bellfield

Sweet Georgia Brown Ingredients: 6 portions of silver tequila 2 portions of cranberry juice 1 portion of triple sec Mixing Instructions: Mix well and serve with lots of ice cubes.

I hate my wife’s parents. I swear they live to make my life a living hell. We have been married for seven years and they still say their daughter is too good to be with me. Is there anything I can do to make them ease up on me? Or Should I just submit to a lifetime of damnation?

— Signed, Charlie Not Good Enough

Y ying, “I HATE M started out by sa u yo life at ur th yo is ke r tte ma e to about your le to say how they liv What alarms me you made a point ychologist scream en ps Th a ke !”

TS ma N ill w RE at th ing en op WIFE’S PA ic the type of dramat a living hell. This is ” n! ow kd ea br n have “communicatio concerns me. You cause your letter and be g e, tin ag rri ica un ma ur mm eat at co doing in yo ’t en ar or e are ar u Good thing I’m gr u yo yo cause to mention what r parents. Why? Be to feel that he ith w hip purposely failed ns tio la t about your re ate reasons no how your wife feels that her parents may have legitim ub!” ct would say a “scr fa C e TL R & B group e hiding behind th th as , be y ma gh. You you’re good enou ur little girl married at’s like having yo th b; ru sc a -no one g tin daughter da the bridge. Again No one wants their e five gallon paint buckets under ays th to the guy that pl ! wants that of their husbands llas taking care Da in n who me wo the Recession ere are a lot of on the victims of g are kin Unfortunately, th ho ea w e sp t er th no t ancially. I’m lazy guys ou of ns llio mi e eo th t vid or boyfriends fin ou merely talking ab spend time playing can’t find a job. I’m work. The guys who would rather c to apparently allergi ns. out job applicatio ing fill an th s game Charmingthis crazy Prince t no d an r he r st fo best advise in rents want the be e them! Here’s the am bl t n’ do I If your wife’s pa r he you’re supplying Cinderella life that t a damn job! , man up and ge the world Charlie

Ashley Berges How You Know Her: Celebrity Life Coach & Dallas writer, who is the author of Live Your True Life. The accomplished wordsmith is rewriting all the rules on how to become the best you. So take everything you thought you knew about people who are stylish, smart and funny and throw it out the window. And if you haven’t noticed, she’s pretty easy on the eyes too. Look no further, Ms. Berges has arrived.

What brought you to the decision to become a life coach?

Why not! When you have an innate understanding of the human condition, the reasons why people do what they do, how people interpret others’ actions and thoughts, and realize how to create success and happiness…it’s a slam-dunk.

Best part about your job Seeing and being a part of the transformations in my clients’ lives and sharing in their successes (Helping people attain a happy, healthy, and successful life).

What was the book writing experience like for you?

Cathartic in nature and the ultimate defining moment where I knew there was no turning back.

What is one piece of advice that changed your life?

Early in life, you find out what you will not accept or deal with, leaving you time to experience what you want to deal with. A lovely lady by the name of Phyllis Penzo told me that outside of MGM Grand years ago.

Switching gears, what is your favorite thing about Dallas?

The people!

Guilty pleasure Technology, LSU football, and the popcorn at the movie theater with the fake butter/oil.

Yummy!

One thing that you want to accomplish before the year is out Finish my second book: Pure Thought: A Methodology in Reason.

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 33

April 25 - May 1, 2012

19

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