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Pick-Up Lines and Bar Jokes Bar

The Stanley

The Votes are in!

KINGS VS DEVILS

Cup

What, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got somebody better?

Uncle Walter For President

Therapy

May 30 - June 5, 2012

MAKING YARDS HEALTHY IN THE METROPLEX COMMERICIAL & RESIDENTIAL

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940-594-6033 1570 BONHAM PARKWAY LANTANA – 76226

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38 may 30 - june 5, 2012

On Deck kobe’s beef

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

SPORTS NEWS On Deck Bad Boys Bad Boys Stanley Cup Preview Sneaker Freak Longest Home Runs Rangers Report Cover Story Drink Up BARbies Best Pick-Up Lines Dallas’ Sexiest Bartender Best Bar Jokes BLITZ Entertainment Karyn Anais St. John Seven Things in Seven Days Sundown at Granada We Are All White Trash Hollywood Shuffle What To Watch Movie Review Drive Smart, Scion iQ Gadgets Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News The CLOSER Weekend Relaxer The Answer Guy 2-Minute Drill

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Graphic Designer Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

3 3 4 5 6 7

obe Bryant is often angry. Sometimes he lashes out at his fellow teammates, other days it’s the officials. Over the years he has mastered the snide unapologetic comments that inspire the ire of fellow players and downright contempt from NBA fans. Here at Blitz Weekly I believe we can speak critically about players that we may not care for. So watch carefully as I attempt to figure out why this man is loved by few and hated by many.

father time, he managed to be 4th in the league for minutes-per-game and finish 2nd in points-pergame, just behind Kevin Durant. Yes you read correctly, 4th in the league and turning 34. Bryant fought through this shortened lockout season while the roster was being adjusted for a new financial reality and a new coaching staff that struggled to connect with its players. And in the midst of all the upheaval he just focused on scoring and walked away with several 40-point

On one hand he is applauded for his boldness when calling out players across the league. Recently he publicly condemned players who bring the drama every time they take a charge. He simply asked the question: “Where are your balls at?” We all know the flopping around on the court has become comical. And now even Commissioner Stern wants to take action to stop it. But maybe the call for change had to come from a villain to get the league to start taking it seriously. As far as his performance this season, Bryant shot his lowest TrueShooting percentage and the third lowest field goal percentage of his entire career. He also turned in a less than stellar performance by having the worst steals-per-36-minutes rate that he’d ever had. But these numbers and stats don’t tell the entire story. This August, Bryant will be turning 34 years old. And although he played through a torn wrist ligament, knee injuries and the creeping of

nights. And of course his performance inspires the same old debates. Is he the best player in the league? Why is the team failing him if he’s leading by example? After 16 years in the league, one would think that it is easy to sum up their view of Bryant. You can argue that without him the Lakers wouldn’t have even been in the playoffs. But his poor shot selection in Games 3 and 4 didn’t help them in the series either. There’s just no winning with Bryant sometimes, every time I look for good I find bad, and when I look for bad there’s usually a glimpse of an arrogant showboat that I somehow enjoy watching. At the end, we witnessed Bryant just being himself. Throwing up repeated shots, constantly pushing into multiple defenders and showing his teammates and the officials his contempt. Bryant played as he always has, tough but flawed. It’s odd to admit it, but it was a masterful but disappointing season for this polarizing figure.

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Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mateeka Lanee, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith Contributing Photographers Sarah K. Andrew, Dominic Ceraldi, QC Cong, Michael Fedyk, Austin Kapfumvuti, Steven Leggett, Carlton Mickle, Michael T. Pribadi, Ashmir, Buck, Etienne, HeinzHC, Cody L., majorvols Contributing Writers Cote Bailey, Arthur Bellfield, Drew Davis, Scott Free, Martin Iheke, Angela Navin, Johnny Reeves, Aeryn Ripley, Jesse Whitman

Uncle Walter on: Running 4 Prez!

Beautiful Girl…Bad Driver

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

Hollywood starlet Amanda Bynes may want to invest in a chauffeur because in the last two months she has been involved in two hit-andruns. The most recent incident involved Bynes’ rented BMW 5 series and its forbidden tango with another vehicle on the 101 Freeway. Bynes fled Yay, you’re famous! So your cellmates the scene and now has to pay will know your name! the price.

I’m running on the Meal Ticket! At least I’m honest! Can’t be any worse than the “Rent’s Too High” guy!

UNCLE WALT IN 2012

Fairley Stupid Well life just got a little worse for Detroit Lions defensive tackle Nick Fairley. He got a free ride from the Mobile, AL police department last week for DUI and attempting to elude. Fairley, who isn’t known for his intellectual prowess, has also spent some time in the pokey after an arrest on April 3 for marijuana possession. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

May 30 - June 5, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38

Stanley Cup finals face-off

Photo Courtesy: Dominic Ceraldi

Los Angeles Kings vs New Jersey Devils

f you had the Los Angeles Kings and the New Jersey Devils in the Stanley Cup Finals before the regular season began, I would like you to pick the six numbers in the Texas Lottery for me. The Kings vs. the Devils in the Finals? I did not see that matchup as a possibility even when the playoffs started. Then again, you have got to love the beauty of the unpredictability in the NHL, especially the postseason. The six-seeded Devils versus the eight-seeded Kings will start their best-of-seven series, tonight, at the Prudential Center in Newark, New Jersey. The Kings come into the Finals with an outstanding 12-2 record in the postseason. They have yet to lose a road game in the playoffs winning ten in a row going back to last year’s postseason which is an NHL record. They dispatched the first overallseeded Vancouver Canucks in five games, then swept the secondseeded St. Louis Blues and blew by the third-seeded Phoenix Coyotes in five games to come out of the Western Conference. They are the second team in NHL history to beat the top three seeds to reach the Finals. The 2004 Calgary Flames were the first team to do it when they were coached by Darryl Sutter. Ironically, Sutter is now the head coach of the Kings. The team is led by captain, Dustin Brown, along with Drew Doughty, Anze Kopitar, Mike Richards, Jeff Carter, Dustin Penner and their outstanding goaltender Jonathan Quick. He is 12-2 with a 1.54 goals-against average with a .946 save percentage according to their team’s website. Quick has been incredible to go along with the team’s stingy defense that has carried them throughout the postseason. For the Devils, they come into the Finals by beating the third-seeded Florida Panthers in seven games, then ousting the fifth-seeded

Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

By Martin Iheke -miheke@gmail.com Philadelphia Flyers in five games and then getting by the first-seeded New York Rangers in six games. Despite finishing with over one hundred points during the regular season, the Devils finished fourth in the Atlantic Division. With a lot of talk about teams like the Pittsburgh Penguins, New York Rangers, Boston Bruins and the Philadelphia Flyers being amongst the favorites to come out of the Eastern Conference, it was very easy to overlook the Devils. This is mostly due to the fact that they do not have a lot of recognizable stars that you would know like a Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin or a Claude Giroux. Their team is led by captain, Zach Parise, head coach Peter DeBoer, Patrik Elias, Adam Henrique, Petr Sykora, Ilya Kovalchuk and future Hall of Fame goaltender Martin Brodeur. At age 40, Brodeur is still proving to be one of the best goaltenders when it matters the most. The key to this series will be the Devils’ forecheck against the Kings’ stingy defense. Can the Devils get a consistent forecheck going and not give away the puck? The Kings have made their opponents pay for turning the puck over. The Kings have enough weapons, offensively, to keep up with the Devils who are more of an offensive-minded team nowadays going away from the neutral zone trap system that produced three Stanley Cups from the mid1990s to the early 2000s. It will be tough for the Devils to maintain the forecheck because the Kings do such an excellent job of getting the puck out of their zone and not getting caught out of position too much, defensively. Not to mention the Kings are very big, physical and have a lot of speed that will cause problems for the Devils. I love the way Quick has been playing in net for the Kings. For these reasons, I am going with the Kings in six games. six games.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38 may 30 - june 5, 2012

sneaker freak

TIME TO STEP UP YOUR GAME FOR THE SUMMER

Adidas Adizero Rush ($80) Featherweight and dynamic these airwalkers keep you close-to-the-ground and in style too. Nike Air Max 2012 ($130) Hyperfuse construction and a full mesh inner sleeve help this sneaker icon remain at the top. Durable and innovative, just how Nike likes it.

Reebok Realflex ($80) Why run in discomfort? Reebok makes sure you never have to by incorporating 76-sole sensors that absorb every steps impact. Puma Faas 800 ($100) This shoe may not actually make you FAAS (get it?) but it will keep you comfortable. It’s lightweight and perfectly engineered.

By Johnny Reeves - @BlitzWeekly

AG’s GRAND OPENING IS JUNE 15TH! AG Van & Truck Equipment, Inc.

2323 N. Support Road Dallas, TX 75261

11 AM TO 3 PM JOIN US FOR: • Great food & beverages • Live band

New Balance Minimus 10 Trail ($105) Extremely light these barely there shoes are specifically designed to be worn with or without socks. They offer maximum cushioning and comfort in versatile terrain.

• Gift card giveaways • $1,000 cash prize giveaway • Guest appearance

DON’T MISS OUT ON

THIS EXCITING EVENT! Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

May 30 - June 5, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38 Photos Courtesy: MLBlog, HeinzHC, majorvols

Far Away From home runs The Longest Long Balls Ever

The home run, it’s the most special moment that a kid can catch at a ballgame. There’s just something uniquely amazing about the feeling that comes over you when that ball passes over that fence; whether it is joy because your guys just did it or despair because your World Series hopes were dashed with a single swing, home runs are magical. So if normal, everyday bleacher reachers are great, what do you call ones that defy gravity itself? Incredible. I will be the first to admit there isn’t an exact science to this, so here is a list of some of the most ridiculous gopher balls ever (recorded & legend):

By Scott Free - comments@blitzweekly.com

Dave Nicholson Comiskey Park could not contain the missile that jettisoned off of Nicholson’s bat sending a souvenir 573 ft. into orbit.

Josh Gibson Legend has it that Gibson once hit a bomber that went 668 ft. in the air and rolled to a distance of 911 ft.

Mickey Mantle Mickey launched a baseball to the cosmos and it was picked up a staggering 565 ft. from home plate. Mark McGwire The burly McGwire fe fi fo fummed a fastball to the land of no tomorrow binging it 545 ft. away from its intended target, the catcher’s mitt.

Ted Williams Ted sent one so far out of Fenway Park that it had to catch a cab to get back. That’s 613 ft. for those at home keeping score. Babe Ruth The Bambino once catapulted a white cannon ball with red stitching 601 ft. Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Adam Dunn Dunn sent a pitch from Jose Lima to go live with some relatives in another state 535 ft. away. Luke Easter The Homestead Grays slugger sent an “Easter Egg” 477 ft. straight over the right field scoreboard of Cleveland’s Municipal Stadium. Only Mickey Mantle can say that he’s done the same.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38 may 30 - june 5, 2012

Photos Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

Upcoming Schedule: 5/30 mariners 7:05 p.m. 6/1 @Angels 9:05 p.m. 6/2 @Angels 9:05 p.m. 6/3 @angels 2:35 p.m. 6/4 @A’s 9:07 p.m. 6/5 @A’s 9:07 p.m.

Rangers Report

VICTORIES COME IN A VARIETY OF WAYS

mall ball, long ball, whatever type of baseball it takes to win, the Texas Rangers seem to know all about it. In their only win at Seattle last Tuesday, they managed just four hits but still beat the Mariners 3-1. Then back home against the Toronto Blue Jays, their potent offense cranked into high gear with 10 home runs and 36 runs in a three-game sweep. The 4-2 week left Texas at 30-18, best in the American League and 6.5 games ahead of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in the AL West Division. It also helped them to their first threegame winning streak since late April and first three-game series sweep since mid-April. “We have no weakness in this lineup,” said first baseman Mitch Moreland after Saturday’s walkoff 8-7 victory in 13 innings against Toronto. “Top to bottom we try to hit the ball hard. When our offense is clicking on all cylinders it’s hard to beat us.” Toronto found that out early in the Friday and Sunday games and late on Saturday. The Rangers scored six runs in the first inning of the 14-3 series opener and seven runs in the second inning of the 12-6 finale. In between, it took back-to-back-to-back homers in the sixth inning and Josh Hamilton’s two-run blast in the 13th that finally put the Blue Jays away 8-7. “That’s what we’re all about – fight,” said Manager Ron Washington on Saturday. “Everyone had to dig down deep and do what they had to do.” The Rangers rallied from a 4-2 deficit with consecutive homers by Nelson Cruz, Yorvit Torrealba and Moreland in the sixth inning, only the seventh time that had been done in club history.

By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com

“The character of the guys in that clubhouse showed up by playing as many innings as they had to play. I’m not surprised because that’s how we play baseball.” One night earlier, Cruz matched Hamilton’s eight runs batted in from earlier in the month while one day later, Adrian Beltre, Ian Kinsler and Mike Napoli sparked the victory with two-run homers. Yu Darvish became the league’s first seven-game winner in the finale. California trip lies ahead After the Rangers wrap up their six-game homestand Wednesday night against the Seattle Mariners, they begin their first visit to California this season. They start with seven games at American League West division foes, three at the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim followed by four at the Oakland A’s. Texas beat the Angels in two of three games while splitting two games with Oakland earlier this month at home. Darvish won once in each series and the Rangers scored at least 10 runs in both wins against the Angels. The Angels and A’s have been battling for position behind the Rangers all season. Entering this week, it was the Angels in second place, 1.5 games ahead of the A’s. Lack of offense has hurt both teams as Oakland was last in the major leagues with a .209 batting average through Sunday and the Angels were at .247. Pitching on the other hand has been strong for both teams as the Angels rank directly behind the Rangers (3.29) in the American League with a 3.42 earned run average while the A’s are close behind at 3.57. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

May 30 - June 5, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38

Drink Specials LOCATION

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

Angry Dog

$2.50 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $3.50 Premium Drafts 4-7pm $3.50 Deep Ellum Brewing Co. Pints Open to Close

$2.50 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $3.50 Premium Drafts 4-7pm $2.50 Shiner Pints Open to Close

$2.50 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $3.50 Premium Drafts 4-7pm $3.50 Franconia Pints Open to Close

$2.50 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $3.50 Premium Drafts 4-7pm $5 House Margaritas Open to Close

$2.50 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $3.50 Premium Drafts 4-7pm $5 Special Bartender Concoctions

$3.50 Mimosas & Bloody Marys

2726 Commerce Dallas – 75226 214-741-4406 www.angrydog.com

Buffalo Joe’s Grill & Bar 3636 Frankford Road Suite 390 Dallas – 75287 214-483-5225 www.thebuffalojoes.com

$3 Martinis 11-7pm

$2 Margaritas 11-7pm

$2 Wells $2.50 Drafts 11-7pm

$3 Premium Shots 11-7pm

$3 U-Call-Its 11-7pm

Duke’s Original Roadhouse

$1.00 OFF Wells, Calls, and Premiums $2.50 Domestic Drafts $6.00 Domestic Pitchers $8.00 Import/Premium Pitchers 11am-8pm

Mad Tavern

$3 Featured Pints, House Wines & Wells Open to Close

$3 Crown & Down Open to Close

$4 Select Whiskeys & Scotches $18 Domestic Buckets Open to Close

$3 Three Olive Cocktails & Martinis Open to Close

Build Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

$1 Off All Drinks Open to Close

Malarkey’s Tavern

$3 Crown & Down Open to Close $1 Off Drafts $3 Wells & House Wine 11am-7pm

1/2 Off All Drafts Open to Close $1 Off Drafts $3 Wells & House Wine 11am-7pm

$1.50 Wells Open to Close $1 Off Drafts $3 Wells & House Wine 11am-7pm

$1 Bud Light Drafts $2 Wells & House Wine (Ladies Only) Open to Close $1 Off Drafts $3 Wells & House Wine 11am-7pm

$1 Off Drafts $3 Wells & House Wine 11am-7pm

$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Wells 3-7pm $3 Crown & Down

$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Wells 3-7pm $3 Wells $5 Big A** Beer

$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Wells 3-8pm $3 Mixed Cocktails (Ladies Only)

$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Wells 11am-7pm

$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Wells 11am-7pm $5 Bloody Mary Bar $5 Mimosas

4180 Belt Line Road Addison – 75001 972-503-2337 www.dukesoriginalroadhouse.com

18101 Preston Road Suite 102 Dallas – 75252 972-733-0363 www.madtavern.com

$1.00 OFF Wells, Calls, and Premiums $2.50 Domestic Drafts $6.00 Domestic Pitchers $8.00 Import/Premium Pitchers 11am-8pm

4460 Trinity Mills Rd. Dallas – 75287 972-931-7300 www.malarkeystavern.com

McFadden’s Restaurant & Saloon 4050 Belt Line Road Addison – 75001 469-206-3610 www.mcfaddensaddison.com

$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Wells 3-7pm $8 Domestic Pitchers $15 Beer Towers

$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Wells 3-7pm $5 Bombs $3 Import Bottles

Pokes Bar & Grill

$2.25 Pints / $3.25 Big Pokes $4 You Call Its 2-9pm $3 Wells Open to Close

$2.25 Pints / $3.25 Big Pokes $4 You Call Its 2-9pm $3 Wells 11am-6pm

Quinlan’s Sports Grill & Bar

$2.25 Drafts $2.75 Bottles $4.00 Wells Open to Close $1.50 “Ranger” Drafts

Richardson Bar & Grill

$2.75 Domestic Bottles $2.75 Wells $12.75 Domestic Buckets $4.00 Jager 11am-7pm

$2.75 Domestic Bottles $2.75 Wells $12.75 Domestic Buckets $4.00 Rumplemintz 11am-7pm

$2.75 Domestic Bottles $2.75 Wells $12.75 Domestic Buckets $4.00 Jose Cuervo 11am-7pm

$2.75 Domestic Bottles $2.75 Wells $12.75 Domestic Buckets $4.00 Blackhaus 11am-7pm

$2.75 Domestic Bottles $2.75 Wells $12.75 Domestic Buckets $4.00 Tuaca 11am-7pm

$2.75 Domestic Bottles $2.75 Wells $12.75 Domestic Buckets $4.00 Crown & Down 11am-7pm

$2.75 Domestic Bottles $2.75 Wells $12.75 Domestic Buckets Open to Close

Time Out Tavern

$3 Pints $3 Domestic Bottles $4.75 Wells 11am-7pm

$3 Pints $3 Domestic Bottles $4.75 Wells 12-7pm

West End Pub

$3 Domestic Drafts $3 Wells $4.25 Gold Margaritas $1 Off Craft Beer Pints 4-7pm

$3 Domestic Drafts $3 Wells $4.25 Gold Margaritas $1 Off Craft Beer Pints 11am-7pm

14831 Midway Rd. Suite 101 Addison – 75001 972-385-7653 www.pokesplace.com

2810 E. Trinity Mills Rd. Carrollton – 75006 972-416-7600

1411 E. Campbell Road #101 Richardson – 75081 972-437-6216

5101 W. Lovers Lane Dallas – 75209 214-956-9552 www.totdfw.com

1801 N. Lamar - #100 Dallas – 75202 214-748-5711 www.westendpubdallas.net

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38 may 30 - june 5, 2012

BARbies Biggest perk of being a bartenderâ&#x20AC;Ś The networking. You get to meet a lot of cool people.

Favorite drink to makeâ&#x20AC;Ś I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know if I can say itâ&#x20AC;Ś [laughing] itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s actually called a Smurf F**k. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s blue and Best pick-up line that youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve kind of foamy sooooâ&#x20AC;Ś(you ever heardâ&#x20AC;Ś get the point). Can I get you to go? And your reply isâ&#x20AC;Ś Drink that will ensure a hangoverâ&#x20AC;Ś Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not on the menu. Anything with sour mix like Long Island Iced Tea, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m convinced.

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Here are a small sample of your nominations for the hottest ladies pouring shots in Big D.

Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve Changed our Name, but Not our Game! Lotâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s of TVs for All the Games Darts/Pool/Trivia Happy Hour Specials Monday-Saturday 11am-7pm Sundays Open to Close $2.75 Domestic Bottles $2.75 Well Drinks $12.75 Domestic Buckets

"EST TION 3ELEC "EER 5NDER NEW MANAGEMENT

1411 E. Campbell Road #101 Richardson, TX 75081

972-437-6216 Like Us On Facebook

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May 30 - June 5, 2012

Excuse me, Miss!

hese lines are guaranteed to get you her number…or slapped in the face. Just to be safe, do us a favor and sign this waiver at the bottom... If you were a burger at McDonald’s you’d be the McGorgeous. Hi, I’m Mr. Right--I heard you were looking for me. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather survive the Zombie Holocaust with. I’d like to use your thighs as earmuffs. If I followed you home, would you keep me? Does this napkin smell like chloroform to you? Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Maybe we could make a sex tape together? I know what would look really good on you. Me. May I buy you several shots then put your inebriated body in my car and drive you to my place? Save water, shower with me. Would you like Gin and Platonic or do you prefer Scotch and Sofa? Are you an interior decorator? When i saw you the room became beautiful. I think you have something in your eye. Oh wait; it’s just a sparkle. Somebody farted. Let’s get out of here. X__________________________________

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38

e’ve all been there: Sitting at the bar waiting for the bartender and when she arrives you start to want more than a drink. Well, Claire is that bartender. The angel of Redneck Heaven sends out arrows from Cupid as she steals hearts with every pour. Here’s where things get interesting; Claire is no harp-playing goody-goody angel – nope. She’s more like the Harley straddling, tattooed, flame throwing, Jack on the rocks type of angel – the type of angel that your mom warned you about. Her refined rockstar sex appeal will make you run up one hell of a bar tab. This should be fun.

Have A Drink with “Badass” Claire

By C. Patterson - @BlitzWeekly

What got you behind the bar in the first place? I initially got the job at Redneck Heaven so I could afford Bartending School; three years later, I’m still here behind the bar. Never went to Bartending School and I’m kicking ass. It feels great to be a part of the biggest growing breastaurant in DFW. I just gradually moved my way up constantly trying to prove myself by giving 100% each day. And I guess it paid off. What makes you the sexiest bartender in Dallas? My eyebrows – haaa – I’m kidding, I just said that because everyone was hating on ‘em. I would say my confidence and my energy. You know the moment I walk into a room the party has arrived! Biggest tip you ever got... From one guy I’d say $700. One “Bikini Beach Party Monday” every time we got a guy a drink he’d slip my fellow Redneck girls or me a $100 or a $50. We killed it that night! What’s your signature drink? I make a shot called a “T*tty F*cker.” You should come try it! And no, I will not tell you my secret recipe. Official drink of the DFW douchebag… I don’t know about DFW but I’d say Michelob Ultra in a bottle is an overall douchebag beer. Most embarrassing moment at work... I don’t really get embarrassed easily. I’d say [when] I fell with some drinks one time. It just sucked more than anything. If you could pour a drink for anyone in the world who would it be? Justin Timberlake or Miles Austin. I’m in LOVE with both. Number one way to get the bartender’s phone number... You don’t. Haa. I never give out my number unless they are my regulars that I’ve known for a loooong time and aren’t creepos. Any advice for guys at the bar? Don’t try to pick up your bartender then leave a sh*tty tip. There’s nothing worse than men who are all talk. They yap your ear off for hours then leave their number on the receipt with a sh*tty tip. You really think that’s gonna happen buddy!? Or don’t be that guy that hits on every single woman. How desperate can you be?

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MASTER POURer TV has brought us some memorable drink slingers since its inception. Here are a few of our favorites: Dennis Reynolds It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia The bartender and co-owner of Paddy’s is also a borderline alcoholic himself, which means he pretty much has the perfect job. He’s like the friend you had in school that grew up to be nobody.

Cote Bailey - @BlitzWeekly

Moe Syzlak The Simpsons Homer’s favorite bartender since 1989, Moe knows how to keep the Duff beer flowing. This shotgun-wielding victim of Bart’s pranks is likely the most popular bartender of all-time. Sam “Mayday” Malone Cheers He ruled the 1980s; every guy wanted to be him and every girl wanted to…well you get the point. Sam poured exactly what you wanted from 1982-1993 and not once did we get hungover.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38 may 30 - june 5, 2012

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d shots an s r e orde can. Th a bar, e o h t n s i a s ing alk fast u drink A guy w king them as o y e r a hy rin starts d asks, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dang, w u would be r e ad.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Yo bartend The guy says, had what I h â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;? u so fast? ast, too, if yo do you have? at gf drinkin nder asks, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Wh e rt The ba ys, â&#x20AC;&#x153;75 cents.â&#x20AC;? sa The guy

Two drunks had just gotten thrownÂ out of the bar and are walking downÂ the street when they com e across thisÂ dog, sitting on the curb, licking himself.Â They stand there watchin g and after aÂ while one of them says, â&#x20AC;&#x153; I sure wish IÂ could do that!â&#x20AC;? The other one looks atÂ him and says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Well, I think Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d pet himÂ first."

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HOURS MONDAY â&#x20AC;&#x201C; SATURDAY 11AM â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 2AM SUNDAYS 11AM â&#x20AC;&#x201C; MIDNIGHT

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18101 Preston Road Suite 102 - Dallas - 75252 972-733-0363 www.madtavern.com

Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 beers. A guy walks into a bar a nd thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a horse servin g drinks. T he horse ask â&#x20AC;&#x153;What are yo s, u staring at? â&#x20AC;? Havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t yo ever seen a u horse tendin g bar befor The guy says e?â&#x20AC;? , â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not th at. I just nev thought the er koala would sell the place .â&#x20AC;?

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May 30 - June 5, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38

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See more of karyn and others at Blitzweekly.com Model: Karyn Pentecrost Makeup and Hair: Nancy Lam Photographer: QC Cong-XO Photography Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

karyn

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38 may 30 - june 5, 2012

Anaïs St. John Hey Sister, Soul Sister

Photos Courtesy: Carlton Mickle

ByMateeka Mateeka Laneé and Keysha Hogan — comments@blitzweekly.com By Lanee’ – Mateekalanee.wordpress.com

veryone sings, some just sing better than others and New Orleans-born jazz singer Anaïs St. John changes words into music and songs into memories. Her soulful and smoky additions to the genre has become a must see act when visiting the Big Easy. The performer and music teacher has used her satin voice to lay out a career of accomplishments that fits her bayou blues pedigree. Fresh off the recent release of her self-titled debut album St. John sat down and spoke with us about music, family, and love for New Orleans.

B.W.: If there were a quintessential album that described you as a person, what might it be? A.S.J.: Another interesting question. This is tough but I’ll say The Great American Songbook by Ella Fitzgerald. B.W.: You’re a very busy woman: full-time music teacher, full-time mom, performer, and recording artist. How do you find balance in your life? A.S.J.: You really have to find time and take advantage the breaks. The time to really take care of is so very rare.

Blitz Weekly: Tell us a little about your professional training and how you got your start in performing? Anaïs St. John: Well, I received my Masters in Vocal Performance from the University of New Orleans. And I started out singing in the New Orleans Opera and then singing cabaret in various clubs, hotels and festivals. It grew from there.

Learn more about Anaïs St. John at www.anaisstjohn.com Her album Anaïs St. John is available now on iTunes.

B.W.: You’ve made quite a name for yourself in the world of modern jazz, a genre that has seen some pickup in popularity recently as artists incorporate it into modern R&B and pop styles. Who are some jazz artists who have influenced your personal sound? A.S.J.: Interesting question. I’d say Ella Fitzgerald and Nina Simone. B.W.: What has been the best performance experience you’ve had? A.S.J.: The French Quarter Festival. It’s an outdoor festival and you get the chance to reach a broader audience than the club scene. The spirit of the city becomes so active; everyone is in a good mood and dancing in the streets. It’s a feeling of freedom! B.W.: Your first studio album aptly titled Anaïs St. John was released just last month. After more than a decade of live performances, what was the process of bringing this album together? A.S.J.: I just went out and got the best musicians I could find and I just took my time. I had already waited so long to put the album together, so I just wanted to take my time and make the best possible album that I could.

B.W.: How has your hometown of New Orleans influenced you as a performer and songwriter? A.S.J.: New Orleans really is the epitome of jazz. You hear music in clubs, churches and everywhere else you go. And when I go out, for me, it’s always about live music. This city really in influenced me greatly. Photos Courtesy: Buck, Blake Bentley, Sarah K. Andrew, Austin Kapfumvuti, Bruce, Michael T. Pribadi, Etienne

WED. 5/30

the science of toys The Lab at Lakewood – Dallas For all you big kids and the little ones too! Come on out and learn all about yo-yos, LEGOs, and more while learning about physics at the same time. 9am.

thurs. 5/31

Girls night out Sambuca – Dallas Guys, you know what this means…you get to watch the NBA playoffs in peace. She will be too busy rocking out to The Revolvers to care about what you’re watching. 7:30pm.

Fri. 6/1

nickleback American Airlines Center - Dallas Nickelback Make sure you grab your tix to see one of the most iconic bands of the posthair band era. This band is sure please by playing all the tunes your love from their impressive catalog. 5pm.

Sat. 6/2

kid 2 do Dallas Zoo - Dallas Come party with eatZi’s, The Purple Cow, Smashburger, Uncle Julio’s, Urban Crust and more for a special day for special kids. There’ll be music, fun, and Eddie Coker. 6pm.

Sun. 6/3

naked sunday pool party Crowne Plaza – Dallas Why? Because a Naked Monday Pool Party would be ridiculous, that’s why. Okay, so don’t actually show up to the Crowne Plaza naked…we’re sure it’s a metaphor…or something. 1pm.

mon. 6/4

Foster the people Verizon Theatre Grand Prairie Hey buddies you better run, better run to see your “Pumped Up Kicks” crooners live in concert. This is going to be one awesome show and tickets will sellout faster than my bullets. 7pm.

tues. 6/5

Le Freak Disco Dallas Arboretum - Dallas Disco in the park? Life can’t get much better than this. Shake your booty all over the tulips and get frisky in the daisies. Don’t worry it’s a disco; they expect you to do that. 7:30pm.

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May 30 - June 5, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38

Sundown at Granada Rise & Dine...at 4pm

By Angela Navin - @BlitzWeekly Music to My Tummy Sundown at the Granada is of course the eatery of the legendary Granada Theater and it encompasses all the sights, sounds and now tastes of Greenville Avenue. Its historic pedigree is evident in every corner of the restaurant (especially if you take a seat on the patio next to the marquee) not to mention the fact that you can get pretty plastered with their selection of over 60 beers to choose from.

Sundown at Granada 3520 Greenville Ave. Dallas TX 75206 (214) 823-8305 www.sundownatgranada.com Mon-Sun 4pm-2am

ATMOSPHERE Owner Mike Schoder has brought the experience of the Granada to the dinner table and has provided patrons with the feeling that Hard Rock Café always wanted to give people but couldn’t. Sundown is authentic and real rock n’ roll. From the menu categories (Opening Acts, The Encore, Headliners, etc.) to the tattooed waiters and waitresses that look like surely at sometime in their lives were roadies. This place breathes music. It’s like having a backstage access pass to Aerosmith’s kitchen. FOOD Whether you’re in the mood for a simple bowl of Southwestern Chili or have the adventurous taste buds willing to try the “Free” Bird, their cleverly named free-range chicken breast accompanied by drunken mushrooms and bold pepper jack, Chef Patrick Stark is prepared to please (man up and give the Hammed Goat a try as well). I would not be doing my job if I didn’t recommend the monument of carnivorous perfection, the Man-itoba Burger. That’s right, this meat-seeking missile is amazingly tender barbecue brisket topped with pecan smoked bacon and a cheddar cheese so good you may want to stand on your table and start air guitaring. Seriously.

Photos Courtesy: Steven Leggett & Cody L.

SERVICE It’s Greenville Avenue. It will always be a friendly style of eating experience. The staff really makes you feel like you have insider access to something – like you are part of something really cool (I refuse to use the cliché “part of the band” …oh no, I said it didn’t I, dammit). I truly enjoyed it. BLITZ-WORTHY The beer, my friend. The beer. Drink early and drink often. Another thing about this place that is awesome are their desserts. Ok, so I

know desserts aren’t “manly” but guys grow a pair and don’t be afraid to try the Pop N’ Rock Brownie or my personal favorite the S’Mores Dessert Shot – a flaming marshmallow, chocolate cream vodka shot, and some graham cracker crumbles…ahh, just like grandma use to make. What to eat: Any of the burgers, Stuffed Avocados with Endive, and Pop N’ Rock Brownie Who eats there: Hipsters, rockers, famous people, and the occasional McKinney Avenue defector

we are all white trash Some of us just have better outfits

hile some lucky few come out of the right vagina and into a life of privilege and luxury, we all begin with the same origins: a fetus identical to a chicken embryo and sharing the same basic building blocks of DNA with every living thing on the planet. And by some miracle, this breakthrough in scientific knowledge made it through the clenches of old white men in funny hats (the Catholic Church) Thank you Jesus! Still, as we learn the rules of socioeconomic classes that dominate society, everyone, no matter how much they have in their bank accounts, is white trash. So listen up, as we start at the top of the heap: A yuppie from San Francisco, a trust fund brat with a closet full of slightly distressed, very expensive high end clothing, was horrified when he encountered a redneck from North Florida, a woman covered in tattoos and with no amount of shame or attempt at hiding her blatant self destruction as she guzzled down a bottle of Jagermeister. And yet, this same yuppie with his dry-cleaned designer clothes and luxury condo with a bay view, snorted crystal meth every day for a year. So, I can’t help but wonder when the lines of white trash begin to blur? Which is

Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

ByJesse Mateeka Lanee’ –- jwhitman00@gmail.comv Mateekalanee.wordpress.com By Whitman

Photo Courtesy: Michael Fedyk

worse? Eying an empty bottle of Jagermeister or ingesting a nasty concoction of battery acid and Drano that was made in someone’s bathtub? And I can’t help thinking about Grammy and her spices at the flea market. Here was a woman who was explaining in passionate detail how to make a hand-squeezed Ossetra caviar shaved geoduck clam with smoked wasabi citrus emulsion, but had teeth so rotted out, that I wondered if the two teeth she had left somehow managed to snaggle their way through those amazing dishes. (Which reminds me, I really need to take care of that cavity soon.) She was a spice expert, a knowledgeable foodie with a subscription to Gourmet Magazine, but unfortunately couldn’t afford proper dental insurance. Admitting to being white trash can also be very beneficial in certain situations, especially those times when you get drunk and make a complete ass of yourself. Just shrug and say “sorry, I’m

white trash,” and order another bottle of Cristal Champagne. You can also dress badly, swear in public, and post photos of chips and cases of Budweiser on Facebook without a hint of shame. And the hipsters also use white trash culture, but in their typical ironic way which makes them feel cool. Still, both the hipsters and the rednecks they mock wake up with the same awful hangovers from cheap whiskey and PBR. Ironic or not, white trash is white trash. In the end, we all want the same thing—to annihilate awareness when life becomes painful. We want to lose ourselves, peel away the layers so we can get back to our fun-loving innocence. But most of us want to achieve this the easy way, not waking up at 4 am, meditating for 18 hours, and eating nothing but gruel like a 13th century Buddhist monk. In the 1800’s it was Mark Twain who sold the charms of white trash to the masses through his heroes Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. Today white trash culture is similarly marketing to the youth through the likes of Britney Spears, the Kardashians, and their hipster counterpart Jack White of the White Stripes. Who represents the ideal of white trash? Classic American literature? Trashy poptarts? Pretentious hipsters? You decide.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38 may 30 - june 5, 2012

WATCH IT NOW - Shows that should have your DVR Drooling

By Aeryn Ripley — comments@blitzweeky.com

DALLAS

Futurama

What are the Ewings doings? They are taking over TV, again. Follow JR, Pam, Sue Ellen and John Ross III as they wreak havoc in DFW one more time – well until they bring it back again in the summer of 2046.

This Emmy-winning animated sitcom is the bastard brainchild of Matt Groening that gives him a way to unleash the type of crude humor that could never air on The Simpsons. Prepare to go back to the future with 13 all-new episodes

Wednesdays at 9pm starting at June 13 on TNT

By Aeryn Ripley– @BlitzWeekly

Bill Clinton – May be in a bit of hot water with the Secretary of State (i.e. Hillary) because two pretty famous porn stars claim that he asked his Secret Service officers to introduce them to him. Tasha Reign & Brooklyn Lee said they approached the former president first but were turned away. Then Bill called them back and stepped firmly into the doghouse.

Thursdays at 10:30pm starting June 28 on FX

The coolest potty-mouth comic of the 21st century is back for another season of his auspiciously dark comedy series. Those of you who are easily offended please YouTube yourself watching this.

Anger Management Thursdays at 8pm starting June 28 on FX

The warlock is back! Charlie Sheen returns to the small screen with this new adaptation of the Nicholson/Sandler movie. Charlie will be the world’s worst anger management therapist.

personalized through the eyes of the alter boy Jose (Mauricio Kuri). Peter O’Toole is outstanding as the avuncular priest Father Christopher, whose execution gives Jose a deeply personal stake in the Cristeros resistance. The first part of the movie takes place largely in Jose’s town where he witnesses the human cost of the conflict. He finally leaves home to join the Cristeros army.

True Blood

Snooki & JWoww

Season number six is upon us for this vampire phenomenon. If you didn’t know how awesome this show is, slap yourself repeatedly until you do.

The ambassadors of New Jersey tourism bureau have gotten their own show sans the rest of the Shore crew. There will be alcohol, sex, cursing and pregnancy. Well…this should end well.

Sundays at 9pm starting June 10 on HBO

Thursdays at 9pm starting June 21 on MTV

The second half of the movie follows Jose to the Cristeros military encampment. In camp, Jose becomes like a son to General Enrique Gorosteita Velarde played by Anthony Garcia. The war is a religious conflict and there is a strong religious undercurrent simmering right below the surface of the film. The General’s religious ambivalence brings the spiritual aspect of the conflict to the surface. At 2 hours and 20 minutes, For Greater Glory covers a lot of ground. It isn’t that the movie is too slow; the problem is that it is too fast. Scenes are short. Subplots are left unresolved. Important issues are alluded to but not explored. Most importantly, the audience doesn’t have

By Drew Davis - svo1905@gmail.com time to develop rapport with this strong cast. The movie feels chopped up. Prediction: we will see one pissed off director’s cut from first time director Chris Leach. Leach has an impressive background in special effects, including on the LOTR Trilogy. He puts his background to work by making the regular ambushes, shootouts, battles and atrocities seem realistic without getting too gory. A welcome twist is the witty dialogue and humor that provides a reprieve from the action, intrigue and drama that dominate the movie. For Greater Glory is good as a snapshot but leaves too much out to work as a portrait.

MovieReview of For greater glory It’s a shame more world events don’t have a beer sponsor. Everyone celebrates the Cinco de Mayo victory, but who has heard of the three year long Mexican “Cristeros War.” Even without so much as beer product placement, the movie For Greater Glory, opening on June 1, puts this religious war into the American mainstream. In the late 1920s, an elected socialist government attempted to secularize Mexico. That is where For Greater Glory begins. To establish how the oppression and resistance escalated, an overwhelming cast of political and military leaders are represented in the film. The drama is

Wednesdays at 9pm starting June 20 on Comedy Central

Louie

Usher – Probably had a Southwest Airlines commercial moment last week. While in court for a child custody hearing the singer was grilled about allegedly sleeping with his ex-wife’s bridesmaid. Of course Usher looked like a deer in headlights during questioning. Bummer. Terrence Howard – Found out that it really is hard out here for a pimp last week when the actor claimed that his ex-girlfriend smacked him in the face like ka-blamo. The Hustle and Flow actor said May Seng Yang rang the doorbell and proceeded to lay the smack down when Howard answered the door. Yang was arrested.

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May 30 - June 5, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38

AuTOReview: 2012 Scion iQ

Performance, Bite-Sized

Photo Courtesy: Toyota Motor Corporation

ove over smart car, Scion is taking over the micro-subcompact car segment with its iQ. The new Scion iQ is being touted as the world’s smallest four-seater and adds yet another model to the funky spinoff division of Toyota. I had been looking forward to testing this new little urban go-kart. I find its design much more appealing than Daimler’s smart for two U.S. model and its on-road experience is light years ahead of the smart car. But I do have two requests for Scion in the iQ: First, please stop calling this a four-seater – it ain’t. A third occupant maybe could fit semicomfortably but I would not want anyone to have to attempt to ride behind the driver, not even on a dare. Second: Please add seat height adjustment to

By David Goodspeed - dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com

the driver’s seat or remove the grab handle from above the driver’s window. Every time I turn my head I hit that dang thing – it’s just right there in the wrong spot for comfort. Allow me to lower the seat or get rid of the handle. (And just why the heck did you add an “oh Jesus!” handle to the driver’s side anyway? Shouldn’t both my hands be on the steering wheel?) The new Scion iQ is only 10 feet long, making it perfect for congested urban driving and parking. It is powered by a peppy 94hp 1.3liter four-cylinder engine that is backed by a CVT gearbox that, together, make for surprising acceleration from this little sprite. Another surprise is how quiet the iQ operates on the road – until you roll into the throttle, then the engine reminds you of its tiny yet powerful size. One would think that given its tiny footprint

and small engine size the new Scion iQ would boast some of the best fuel economy figures for a gasoline-powered vehicle and around town it is pretty darn good at 36 mpg but its 37 mpg rating on the highway is nothing to boast about. The car is easy to drive, is awesomely maneuverable (thanks to its short wheelbase and electric power steering) but suffers just a bit from the fore-aft pitching seen in such short vehicles. For some however, this rocking motion may help lull your rear passengers to sleep in hopes they will quickly forget just how uncomfortable they are back there. Scion calls iQ’s styling “iconic” – I think I would simply state it as modern urban and functional and there is only so much a designer can do given these interior and exterior dimensions. As a two-seater, the iQ feels much larger than it is from the front seats. And the infotainment

Ben & Jerry’s Pint Lock Fellow fat guys rejoice, your Ben & Jerry’s now has its very own ADT. You can protect your Chunky Monkey, Imagine Whirled Peace, and last pint of Schweddy Balls with the EuphoriLock. Stop any would-be pint pilferers right in their tracks and have them think, “This fat dude is really serious about his ice cream”. ($7)

Audi’s Wörthersee E-bike Versatile and stylish, this plastic frame and carbon fiber coated Audi concept is bringing German-engineering to a bike lane near you. And since it is a pedal/electric hybrid it also comes equipped with a 2.3kW motor and even has a “wheelie” mode. Expect to reach speeds of 50mph. (TBA, but expect it to be expensive)

Bottle Opener & Resealer Get drunk now AND later with this tool from the gods themselves. Behold, the Hermetus tool! Open your bottle with one side, reseal your crown back into place with the other. If you say you know of a cooler gadget out there, we say you’re lying. ($9) Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

center stack seems more like a built-in robot with a flattop. I love the adjustable interior lighting; I just wish Scion could have extended it to some lights underneath the car or something. Where the smart car scared the dickens out of me when operating on the highway the iQ does not. Sure it is still no match for a big rig but at least there is enough pep to get me the heck out of the way without having to stick my leg out the door to help pedal. Pricing for the Scion iQ begins at $15,265. Our test vehicle did not come with a copy of the window sticker as they usually do so we don’t have final pricing but delivery, processing and handling runs an added $730. The 2012 Scion iQ is fun and funky and the perfect choice for urban lifestyles of (very) small families or individuals. And I cannot wait to see what Scion fanatics do to customize this one.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38 may 30 - june 5, 2012

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: The mosquito stops sucking after you smack it. Q: What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? A: Accountants know they’re boring. Q: What is a zebra? A: 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.

New York Woman An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a “Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a” so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!” and rode off. “What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant. “Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off,” the woman answered. “Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback.”

Gemini May 21 – June 21 Your unknowing birthday gift to the world will be celebrated until the end of time due to your recent vasectomy. Cancer June 22 – July 22 You are getting really good at leaving quietly when people are finished having sex with you. Leo July 23 – August 22 There are some things in the world that humankind was never meant to know. Starting with the boring details of your trip to Montana.

Blitz Funnys

HE WAS A LOUSY MOTHER New York – May 21, 2012, Thomas Parkin, 51, was sentenced to more than 13 years in prison for impersonating his mother. After doctoring her death certificate, and dressing as a woman, Parkin collected her Social Security checks for six years before being caught.

store natural gas, easily purchased locally. DOLPHINS ON DRUGS?! MSN.com reported early 2011 two dolphins, named Chelmers and Shadow, died agonizing deaths because a zoo in Connyland, Switzerland, allowed thousands of young people to hold a rave near their training pool. For animals with sonar hearing certain loud music can become extremely painful. In this case, however, the dead animals’ urine samples proved they had died of heroin overdoses, obviously provided by partygoers.

ACCIDENTS WAITING TO HAPPEN In March 2012, China News reported: Many villagers in Shandong Province are either too poor or too isolated to afford heating fuel, so many households use giant heavy-duty balloons, resemble 15-foot-long condoms to transport and

Virgo August 23 – September 22 You will be a student of life this week when you learn some valuable lessons such as your Miranda rights, roadkill and a sucker punch. Libra September 23 – October 22 Your search for employment ends this week when you accept a position at Kroger. Just remember to ask if they want paper or plastic. Scorpio October 23 – November 21 When it’s all said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that doesn’t stop everyone else from trying.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Taking your rent check to Lone Star Park this Friday won’t be one of your brighter ideas. Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Congrats! You’ve made Maxim’s Top 100 list of biggest d!ckheads in the U.S. Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Please make the world a better place. To do the job right, make sure that the shotgun barrel is placed inside your mouth before pulling the trigger.

ACROSS 1. TV, radio, etc. 6. Wanes 10. Shock 14. Pueblo brick 15. Conspiracy 16. District 17. Pariah 18. Found on most heads 19. Outcropping 20. Unrelenting 22. Children 23. Comes after Mi and Fah 24. Accumulate 26. Faucet 30. A type of small mammal 32. Tag 33. Profoundly honored 37. Norse god 38. Pertaining to the Sun 39. Equal 40. Vital 42. 4-door car

43. Prepared 44. Bother 45. A simple seat 47. Not good 48. Hearing organs 49. Legume-like 56. 57 in Roman numerals 57. Colored part of an eye 58. Ringworm cassia 59. Chair 60. Monster 61. Complete 62. Countercurrent 63. Gestures of assent 64. Muzzle

Pisces February 19 – March 20 You’ll get an incredible sense of personal satisfaction from your cat this week, which explains why PETA is camped out on your front lawn. Aries March 21 – April 19 You’ll win the lottery this week! No, not that kind of lottery. You’ll be able to buy Justin Bieber tickets before anyone else. Taurus April 20 – May 20 Everyone has a dad who knows how to use a rifle, change a flat tire, and catch a fish - everyone, that is, except for your son.

DOWN 1. Anagram of “Mail” 2. Biblical garden 3. Numbskull 4. Wild goat 5. Spray can 6. Ancient unit of drymeasure 7. Tell all 8. Be agitated 9. Pennant 10. Whippersnapper 11. German iris 12. Conducts 13. Labels 21. Decay 25. Blemish 26. Blackthorn 27. Cushions or mats 28. Nile bird 29. Unselfishness 30. Wait 31. A Freudian stage 33. Cancel 34. What we sleep on

35. Loyal (archaic) 36. Sea eagle 38. Adultmale horse 41. Prefix meaning “Modern” 42. They love to inflict pain 44. An unskilled actor 45. Rescued 46. Threesome 47. Public transit vehicles 48. If not 50. Therefore 51. Prepare for action 52. A noble gas 53. Savvy about 54. Two-toed sloth 55. Sodium chloride

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May 30 - June 5, 2012

Photo Courtesy:ashmir

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38

The CLOSER

Fred Brewed by: Hair of the Dog Brewing Company ABV: 10.00% Fred (the brew) was created to honor beer writer and historian Fred Eckhardt and is a tough find. It pours a dark, cloudy orange color with an amazingly thick head and great lacing. Initially the citrus scent will dominate eventually giving way to the rye and hops in this one! The taste starts off sugary and sweet, then the building hop bitterness catches up with grapefruit, pineapple, and peach notes, along with a definite rye spiciness. A little bit of alcohol is noticeable.

“It may be tim e to Kill Will”

The

Answer

Guy with

Arthur Bellfield

Siboney Reserve Wrapper: Nicaraguan Binder: Nicaraguan Filler: Nicaraguan Strength: Full A reasonably priced smoke which is available in three sizes has a perfectly constructed triple cap and smells sweet. Initial draw was excellent and burned evenly. Cedar notes with a spicy finish in the first third of the smoke while the second third went much smoother. The final third is definitely woody. The overall blend is nice and a good smoke. Cuba Libre Ingredients: 2 oz Light Rum Coca Cola Wedge of Lime Mixing Instructions: Pour the rum over ice into a chilled highball glass, and add Coke to fill. Squeeze in a lime wedge.

Dear Arthur, I have a dilemma; I am jealous of my boyfriend Will’s best friend. They have known each other since childhood and have been buddies forever. So where’s the problem? His best friend is a smoking hot girl that looks 10 times better than me. They have inside jokes, love all the same things, and even go to Rangers games together (I don’t like sports). Should I be concerned? Signed, Jealous Jennifer

at us anything it’s th dies have taught me co c o nti mb ma co ro y If ot d the bo ry concerned! d get the buddy an an You should be ve y, dd bu le ma up with the fe men always end pack! rtunate events that fortunate and unfo of s rie se a is e Lif ts take the form of t a movie! metimes these even So . However, life is no us of ch ea in bums with cater to the dharma l. ysical and menta ph th relationships: bo of his ho is taking care ntal fix from her, w me d Why an : l th cia bo so care of is getting his ntly, if she’s taking rta If your boyfriend po im e or M u! pefully yo physical needs? Ho is he with you? A financial reasons. cause of kids or be u s yo nd ith rie w rlf gi be ith their obligated to that they’re still w me Perhaps he feels ld to is th ve t ou ha ab ow be ldn’t men that I kn Your concern shou good number of s alone, or both. on as t because he lets re bi o or tw ’s e nd os your boyfrie in or wives for th ith w y sta to e e’ll continu feel about her? buddy because sh be: How does he ld ou sh n er nc co her. Your main hip physical relations in the past and that r he th ith bo w pt of st sle ’s be with the ance that he e’s providing him There’s a good ch Sh e. tur fu e th in o. cur again to like a sport or tw will most likely oc y be time for you ma It u: yo to e vic worlds. My ad

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HOT GROSS GIRL How You Know Her: Every Thursday this bombshell steps next to the microphone on the Richie and Greggo Show on 105.3 The FAN and unleashes horror stories from the ER – they’re gross but remember; a hot girl telling a gross story is > than a ugly girl telling one. Tell us why they call you Hot Gross Girl The name was given to me by Richie on the first show I did two years ago. I have always had this uncanny gift to gross him out with my stories and adventures. AND for some strange reason he thinks I’m hot. I think I fall more into the lukewarm category but “lukewarm gross girl” just didn’t seem to roll off the tongue as well. HGG has stuck ever since. Grossest thing that you have ever had the pleasure to experience That’s a tough one. Guts, blood, emesis, poop and other bodily fluids are always up there at the top of the list but...I once had to give a sponge bath to a grown man who hadn’t had a bath in weeks. I still get the occasional Christmas card from him. I guess my sponge bathing skills really impressed him. Coolest part about working with Richie and Greggo That’s easy; meeting Sexy Sidekick Sybil…she is one cool chick! Three things you would pack in your zombie apocalypse survival kit 1. My AR15 rifle with all the ammo I can carry 2. Fruit Roll-ups 3. My sock monkey….zombies hate sock monkeys What are Hot Gross Girl Groupies Like? If by “groupies” you mean the small pack of weirdo’s who have stopped taking their psych meds and want to touch my hair all the time…I would say they are pretty damn cool. It’s nice to know there are other people who are as sick and demented as me on this planet. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. What are you doing next Friday? Checking out a Burlesque Show at the Lakewood Theater with my partner in crime… bring along your pasties, giant hula hoops and join us.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 38 may 30 - june 5, 2012

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