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Inside: -ComMANdments

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June 6 - 12, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39 june 6 - 12, 2012

On Deck the t.o. that we used to know By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

SPORTS NEWS On Deck Bad Boys Bad Boys 7 Ways Not To Survive NBA Playoff Coverage Toughest Athletes Mascot Mayhem Rangers Report Firestone 550 Preview Fast and Furious Cover Story ComMANdments Things To Know by 30 Summer Essentials Guybrary Perfect Gentleman BLITZ Entertainment Olivia Scale The Summit Zombies of Miami Bob’s Steak & Chop House Seven Things in Seven Days Hollywood Shuffle Charlize Theron Interview Movie Review 2012 Ford F250 Review Gadgets Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News The CLOSER Weekend Relaxer The Answer Guy 2-Minute Drill

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Graphic Designer Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

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t the exact moment I received a text message about the separation for Terrell Owens and the Allen Wranglers I was listening to Goyte’s “Somebody That I Used to Know.” I was filled with a mix of indie angst and annoyance. North Texas tried to embrace this fallen star with press conferences and VIP status after his deafening claims of media bias. He claimed he’d changed, we were unfair, and we would all witness something great.

handle these types of things? Just a few years ago Owens was earning $6.5 million in a single season with the Buffalo Bills. And this past week the Allen Wranglers reportedly sent him a $50 check for his alleged 50% ownership stake in the team, evicted him from a home furnished by the team, and was asked to return his team owned vehicle. This fiscal slap in the face was the last in long line of tough consequences that have come down from people

And as we waited for that ‘something great,’ Owens managed to burn his North Texas bridges and leave behind scorched Earth. The Allen Wranglers said he failed to attend a children’s hospital community event and his behavior could no longer be tolerated. I’ll give Owens the very last benefit of the doubt because we haven’t heard his side of this story. But how does he manage to get on the bad side of every business dealing and employer he comes in contact with. I know stoners and felons with better references than Owens. Within his Wranglers contract it was stipulated that he was required to play home games in a concentrated effort to sell more tickets. But it is reported that when asked to play two away games he refused. Did the Wranglers come to him as a fellow owner and make their case? Did Owens refuse to hear them out? Bottom line after everything that has happened along the way, shouldn’t he have a legal team on retainer to

tired of the ego. So far it’s questionable what Owens will do next. He has films in the works and had a fairly successful run in the world of reality TV shows and guest appearances. In order to meet his family obligations he’s going to have to come up with new income soon. For his sake, I hope it’s not more Dr. Phil or shows that lend support to the flawed side of his public persona. The side I want to remember is when Owens was a six-time Pro Bowler. These days his touchdown celebrations will be viewable only online. That is where his squandered talent will live on. He has always possessed a rare and powerful talent that cannot be taught. But in all those years of play he never grasped the idea of what it means to truly be apart of a team. I’ve always been of the opinion that sports often reveal character more than it creates character. And I think for now we’ve seen all we need to see.

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Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mateeka Lanee, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith Contributing Photographers

Keith Allison, Amy, Phil C., Wade Emmert, Tim Gravens, Joseph W. Harr,Greg Hildebrand, Jack Hughes, William Jones, Jack Kendall, Stephen Mitchell, Mary S., Teresia, Andy Tsai, Eugene Wei, Bryce Womeldurf, ForteGastor,imredbtw,lulu2222, marsmet491, sharkdiver, SonicSpeed, wfuv

Contributing Writers

Lauren Aiken, Cote Bailey, Arthur Bellfield, The Bum, Drew Davis, Ethan Harmon, Martin Iheke, Angela Navin, Aeryn Ripley, Lucy Schroeder, Quick Steve, Jesse Whitman, Danny Woodley

Uncle Walter on: Fifty Shades of Grey

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

Yay, you’re famous!

So your cellmates will

know

your

This Guy Blows NFL rookie Justin Blackmon made one heck of an impression on the Payne County Sheriff’s department when he blew a .24 on his breathalyzer test (3x the legal limit). This is Blackmon’s second DUI arrest. He posted $1,000 bond and was released.

Porn you actually have to read, no thanks. I’ll get mine the old-fashioned way…the dumpsters behind New Fine Arts.

Act Sober The former co-star of That’s So Raven, Orlando Brown, just can’t seem to stay out of handcuffs. Brown was arrested for the second time in less than a year. His latest arrest stemmed from a 2011 DUI case. He was supposed to go to alcohol education classes but was a no-show. So back to jail he went.

name!

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39 Photos Courtesy: Joseph W. Harr, sharkdiver, imredbtw, elih595, SonicSpeed, marsmet491

7 ways not to make it to nd the 2 annual manual

e love our readers more than fat kids love high fructose corn syrup so we want to make sure that you guys are around for our Annual MANual for many years to come. So, here is our list of things to avoid for the next 365 days. Enjoy and be safe…or else. Heart Attack Grill This Las Vegas culinary casualty maker has put at least two customers in permanent to-go bags since 2011 with burgers tipping 8,000 calories on its menu. The Humbolt Squid Next time you go out for a refreshing dip in the Eastern Pacific Ocean make sure to steer clear of this bad mofo. This huge predatory squid hunts in packs of up to 1,200 and communicate with each other to attack their prey.

Bumpers of Mack Trucks At least you would head to the netherworld pretty quickly with this unceremonious way to be drafted to the world of the non-living – unless you get hit by a slow-moving Mack truck. Philly 2011’s winner of the city “Most Likely To Pop A Cap In Your Ass” brought in a whopping 324 homicides last year. Apparently it isn’t always sunny in Philadelphia.

Zombies Laugh all you want but after seeing what happened in Miami, New Jersey, rural Texas, and Maryland this past week we are investing in our antizombie spray… and a Mossberg shotgun.

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Tickling Great Whites As tempting as this may seem, please don’t try this. But if you do please, please, please make sure to bring someone else along with you to record it. Why should such a hilarious moment in human history go unseen? Vacationing in Yemen If this seems like a great idea to you here are a few other things that may be right up your alley: Grizzly Bear wrestling, pin the tail on the cartel drug lord, freelance MMA fighting, and Chernobyl house sitting.

By Danny Woodley -comments@blitzweekly.com

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39 june 6 - 12, 2012

Photos Courtesy: Keith Allison

he NBA playoffs have finally started getting competitive after bleak early rounds where the favorites made quick work of the pretenders. Heck, the Spurs and Thunder combined to lose only one game on their way to the Western Finals. The match-ups in the conference finals are truly the best teams the NBA has to offer this season and we’ve been reaping the rewards.

NBA playoffs are heating up

thunder rolls and celtics get lucky By Geoff Case– @GeoffCase

Spurs vs. Thunder Admittedly this has been my favorite match-up to watch. I simply couldn’t get enough of the Spurs precision versus the Thunder’s youth and athleticism. The Spurs have the ability to change identities and strategies on the fly thanks to Gregg Popovich’s brilliance. The Thunder simply can and have pushed their opponents on their heels and killed them with penetration and fast breaks. The Spurs looked nearly invincible for 8 quarters until Scotty Brooks figured out a way to put a lid on the Tony Parker pick and roll and now the tide has shifted. It also helped that Serge Ibaka started making the Spurs pay for their interior defense. Then there’s Kevin Durant. Gregg Popovich called him ‘’arguably the best player on the planet’’ on Sunday after he turned in the most magnificent playoff game of his career, scoring 18 in the fourth quarter in the breakout game the Thunder were waiting for this series. Durant is making the leap this season to legendary status but he’ll have to prove that he can defeat San Antonio and win the series. The Thunder are 7-0 at home in the playoffs and 5-3 on the road. Oklahoma City held first place in the West for nearly the entire season before being overtaken by the Spurs in the final weeks, and losing homecourt advantage. Can the Thunder finally make the leap and get to the NBA Finals or will they be bridesmaids once again? Can the Spurs push away father time and get one last ring for the thumb? The storylines in this series are great.

Heat vs. Celtics Everybody has got a dog in this race. Either you hate the Miami “Cheat” or you admire their deft defying abilities in the open court. The swagger infested fashion divas with the Heat or the blue collared workman like crew of the Celtics. It’s almost impossible to not have some sort of predetermined allegiance in this series. The Heat jumped out early like they often do and they are one of the great front runners in the NBA but if you watched any Celtics games this season you are not shocked by how this series is gone. There is no denying that LeBron James and Dwyane Wade are extraordinary basketball players but pairing them up never made sense to me because of their similar ball dominating play styles. Sure, not having Chris Bosh this series is hurting them some but not having a bench causes LeBron to have to shoulder a heavy load. How many

games can a guy play 40+ minutes and still be fresh for the Finals? Did anybody else notice the huge drop in his performance in the Finals last season? With that said, Boston is proving in this series (like Dallas last season) that the game is a team sport, not necessarily a game of stars. The Celtics have been playing together for multiple seasons and everybody knows their role and what it takes to win a championship. Boston will not go down without a fight and Miami does not handle adversity very well, which happens to be something that the Celtics love to dish out. (See Rondo comments about LeBron crying to the officials) Oklahoma City and Miami are still in control. However, there has to be a re-commitment to all the things that made San Antonio and Miami so scary in the first place if they want a chance to go for the title. Photos Courtesy: Keith Allison, Jack Kendall, Eugene Wei

n honor of our first ever Annual MANual, we have compiled a list of the manliest athletes ever. If you think you know of some tougher or you think your list is better than ours, we’ll fight you for it.

Ronnie “Sideline Surgery” Lott – The reason for the retirement of wide receivers from 1981-1995, Lott was a monster in the secondary. During the 1985 season he had a team doc amputate the tip of his injured right pinky fingertip so that he could continue to play. In defense of Lotts’ decision, pinky fingers aren’t that manly.

Lenny “Nails” Dykstra – This guy didn’t get his nickname because of his love of carpentry, he got it because he’s tough as a coffin nail. Now that he spends most of his time in and out of prison I’m sure he’s a tougher S.O.B than ever.

Glenn “Puck Face” Hall – Any guy that plays goalie without a mask makes this list. Period. The dude stopped pucks with his face for crying out loud.

not playing around

the annual manual’s toughest athlete list By Angela Navin– @BlitzWeekly.com Julie “ The Rider” Krone – The first female Triple Crown race winner racked up 3,704 career wins before retiring from a career that spanned more than two decades. And she did all of this at 4-foot-11 and 105 lbs.

Ray “The Madman” Lewis – A true freak of nature, Ray Lewis has defied the laws of aging as he steps into his seventeenth season in the NFL having made the Pro Bowl 13 times. How hard does Ray Lewis hit? Well, according to wiki answers “Go jog out into the interstate where the speed limit is seventy and wait for a car, that’s the best comparison.”

Brett “Tough as Wranglers” Favre – Never before has a guy who stood behind another bent over guy appeared so manly. Brett played through broken bones, family loss, and prescription addiction and still kicked the hell out of people. Lance “Balls of Steel” Armstrong – Despite criticism and cancer our Texas hero claimed seven consecutive Tour de France victories. No athlete in the world could even imagine the balls that took.

Ty “I’ll beat the sh!t outta you” Cobb – Known for sliding into second base spikes up, Ty didn’t make many friends outside of the Tigers’ locker room. He once pummeled a heckler in the outfield. The man never heckled again…or ate solid food.

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39 Photos Courtesy: MLBlog, HeinzHC, majorvols

Mascot

AG Van & Truck Equipment, Inc.

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worst mascots ever

By Lucy Schroeder - comments@blitzweekly.com

Campbell University Mascot: The Fighting Camels What the hell is that? Thankfully it’s just a really terrible mascot. I almost thought it was a really pissed off pack of cigarettes. And for bonus points: The mascot is actually named “Gaylord the Camel.”

Southern Illinois Mascot: Salukis What the hell is that? The Royal Dog of Egypt also known as the Gazelle Hound. Not exactly a vicious looking dog, I’ve seen Pomeranians with more fight in ‘em. St. Stanislaus College Mascot: Rockachaws What the hell is that? An old Choctaw Indian word meaning devil grass, as in a sandbur. Go get ’em you scary sandburs you!

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Webster University Mascot: The Gorloks What the hell is that? A mythical creature that has the paws of a cheetah, horns of a buffalo, face of a Saint Bernard and the brains of some really bored students and faculty.

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University of Arkansas at Monticello Mascot: The Boll Weevils What the hell is that? A cotton farmer’s worst nightmare and a pretty crappy basketball team.

Delta State University Mascot: The Fighting Okra What the hell is that? DSU’s answer to their official mascot “The Statesman” not being frightening enough. It still baffles me that this is an accredited school.

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UC Santa Cruz Mascot: The Banana Slugs What the hell is that? Gross. That’s what it is. But hey what else would you expect from a school that observes 420 Day.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39 june 6 - 12, 2012

Photos Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

Upcoming Schedule: 6/6 @A’s 9:07 p.m. 6/7 @A’s 2:37 p.m. 6/8 @Giants 9:15 p.m. 6/9 @Giants 3:05 p.m. 6/10 @giants 3:05 p.m. 6/12 Diamondbacks 7:05 p.m.

Rangers Report a week of struggles

t has not been a very good week for the Texas Rangers. After winning four in a row at home, they proceeded to lose the next four games. Last Tuesday, the Seattle Mariners scored six runs in the eighth inning to beat the Rangers, 10-3, at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. Alexi Ogando and Mike Adams each gave up three runs in the inning to end their four-game winning streak. Scott Feldman took the loss as his record is now 0-4 on the season. The next night, it got worse as the Mariners scored the first seventeen runs in the game before winning, 21-8. Derek Holland was awful going 1 2/3 innings giving up eights runs off eight hits to pick up his fourth loss of the season. After a day off, the Rangers traveled to Anaheim for a three-game series against the Los Angeles Angels. Wasting good pitching performances from Colby Lewis and Yu Darvish, the Rangers lost the first two games mostly due to horrible fielding committing four errors and only scoring two runs in each game. Manager Ron Washington called a meeting after the game on Saturday to address the recent lackluster play. “I made my mind up I was going to talk to them, period,” Washington said according to ESPN. com. “The things we’ve been doing, it’s just not us. We’re certainly better than that and we’ve got to get back to doing what we used to do,” as Washington continued. It looked like the message was heard loud and clear as the Rangers snapped their four-game losing streak beating the Angels, 7-3, behind a strong pitching performance from Matt Harrison. He went 6 2/3 innings, giving up three runs off four hits as he won his third straight game and

By Martin Iheke – miheke@gmail.com

improved his record to 7-3 on the season. “The thing I was really upset about was the walks and the pitch to Hester,” Harrison said according to ESPN.com. “Other than that, I thought I threw the ball well, but I’m not satisfied. I want to keep getting better, keep grinding and keep learning from the mistakes I make in games. I just want to keep on this roll, get deep into games and give us a chance to win,” as Harrison continued. Currently, the Rangers are in first place in the AL West Division with a 32-23 record. They lead the Angels by four and a half games, but the Angels have come on strong since their abysmal start to the season. They have won ten out of their last 13 games and are now .500 for the season. The two teams play 13 more times in the regular season. The Rangers made news off the field as they are looking to bolster their pitching staff. They signed 34-year-old Roy Oswalt to a minor league contract, last Tuesday. The Rangers are hoping Oswalt will be ready by June 20th to insert him into the starting rotation. Right now, they want to give him a few weeks at Triple-A Round Rock to get himself ready. “The bottom line is I think we’re better today with Roy in the fold,” General Manager Jon Daniels said according to ESPN.com. “Ownership stepped out. This wasn’t something we contemplated in the budget,” as Daniels continued. This move was made due to the uncertainty of Neftali Feliz’s injury he suffered to his right elbow last month and the team does not believe he will be back before the All-Star break. The Rangers are in the midst of their ten-game road trip out in California. They will finish their four-game series Thursday against the Oakland Athletics in Oakland before heading across the bay to play the San Francisco Giants in a threegame series, a rematch of the 2010 MLB World Series. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

June 6 - 12, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39 Photos Courtesy: Tim Gravens

Photos Courtesy: Greg Hildebrand, Bryce Womeldurf , Slufty

Firestone 550 Preview

fast and furious

By Quick Steve – comments@blitzweekly.com

By Cote Bailey – @blitzweekly.com

Don’t blink

just how amazing Wheldon’s bond was with his friends and fellow drivers when Tony Kanaan, Scott Dixon, and Dan’s former teammate Dario Franchitti battled it out down the final stretch. Dario took home the win that day and shared in an iconic moment when he met up with Susie Wheldon in the pit after his victory. Kanaan said, “I don’t think it could have ended in a better result for Dan [Wheldon]. Wherever he is now, he’s smiling.”

Life at 200 miles an hour makes for some pretty unforgettable memories. It builds icons and at times can take them away just as fast. We know this all to well. But we must remember that around every turn is a champion waiting to chisel their name in history and pass by the legends of greatness past. That’s why we love this sport, because it makes us cringe, it makes us gasp, we watch it, we live it – vicariously as it may be – down that final stretch we become Dario Franchitti, Matio Andretti, Danica Patrick, and Dan Wheldon. And we see Tony Kanaan or Will Power’s in our side mirrors, but guess what… that’s where they’re staying. Because whether it’s from the couch, from the lazy boy in the den, or listening from the garage while working on a ’67 Chevelle, we are taking this one home. We are ready…Firestone 550 here we come.

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ere’s a look at some items that could make you feel like you’re in the driver’s seat no matter where you are.

Ferrari Messenger Bag ($75) Soft Ferrari leather and superior styling make this bag unique and will let everyone who sees it know that if you weren’t at your desk you would be going really fast. Oakley Racing Jacket Vented ($350) Compete and conquer with Oakley Switchlock Technology. These shades are designed to handle high velocity and high mass impact. Hopefully they will never have to. Corbeau CR1 Race Seat ($468) Watch all the races this season in style with this chair that looks like it belongs more at Texas Motor Speedway instead of your living room. Café Press Drive Fast T-Shirt ($23) No one will ever have to wonder what your favorite sport is when you have this shirt on. Just don’t let them see you jumping into your ’92 Corolla – it ruins the effect.

is another chance to reflect on the loss of one of the sport’s heroes, Dan Wheldon. The wound of his passing has left behind a scar that has not disfigured the sport, but allowed it to remember. The end of this year’s Indianapolis 500 showed

ummer is about to get fast. Here comes the Firestone 550, which means the asphalt at Texas Motor Speedway is about to get hot. The IZOD IndyCar series drivers are all ready to have their chance at glory in pursuit of the checked flag. Last year’s winner Will Power with Team Penske looks to repeat his success, while Andretti Autosport’s Ryan Hunter-Reay is tight on his heels in the points category. Since Danica Patrick took the NASCAR exit this year only three female drivers remain. Rookie Katherine Legge is the point leader going into the Firestone 550 for the 2012 class of female drivers, while Simona de Silvestro and Ana Beatriz struggle to climb the ranks. There is no doubt the commercial fanfare that followed the drivers of the fairer sex left with Patrick and there is now a void that is left to be filled by a new female ambassador of the sport. And maybe that heroine will arise at Texas Motor Speedway. As the case with any IndyCar race this year it

In Demand Items For The Speed Demon In Us All

Chopard Jacky Ickx Edition V ($11,140) Ickx achieved greatness in all motor sport disciplines. Keep your time like a legend and own a part of this limited edition set.

IndyCar Belt Buckle ($25) This IZOD IncyCar belt buckle is the must have accessory for proper couch cruising on race day. It’s part of a limited edition series of only 300. IndyCar Replica Helmet ($526) If Cowboys fans can wear helmets while watching the game, why can’t you? Cheer on your favorite drivers and see the track the way they see it… uncomfortably.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39 june 6 - 12, 2012

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commandments

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"EST TION 3ELEC "EER 5NDER NEW MANAGEMENT

heed them or pay the price

Thou shalt not take pictures or video his friends doing anything that would prompt the spousal inquisition or require intense questioning. Thou shalt never sleep with any of your friends’ hot sisters. Breaking this commandment is punishable by public de-crotching. Thou shalt be willing to fight to the death for the last buffalo wing. Thou shalt not cheat at rock, paper, scissors, ‘tis the game that keeps the order of the world. Thou shalt not have scented lotions. Apricot Autumn is not the smell of a man. Thou shalt not watch GLEE, but if you are required to, thou shalt not sing or memorize any of the songs and hum them in the car. We are listening. Thou shalt be willing to be the alibi for any friend for which you have played backyard

By Aeryn Ripley – comments@blitzweekly.com hou shalt not watch or know the main plot line of any Twilight movies.

football with. Ever. No exceptions. Thou shalt never date the ex-girlfriend of a friend. They break up, you break up. Simple as that. Thou shalt not own a cat. Should you decide to break this commandment your friends are allowed to call you the following: CatMan, CatDude, Puss-N-Boots, or Whiskers Meowzers. Your choice. Thou shalt not ever send smiley face text messages to a guy. Thou shalt not use any cutesy filters on Instagram. Especially Toaster (and if you read this and said “awww” you’re really in trouble). Thou shalt not share an umbrella with any man. One man must risk drowning, ‘tis God’s will.

We’ve Changed our Name, but Not our Game! Lot’s of TVs for All the Games Darts/Pool/Trivia Happy Hour Specials Monday-Saturday 11am-7pm Sundays Open to Close $2.75 Domestic Bottles $2.75 Well Drinks $12.75 Domestic Buckets

Thou shalt not order mixed drinks at a bar unless they are for the cute girl sitting at that table over there. Should you sip from that cup of unmanliness the ramifications will be swift and vengeful.

Thou shalt not initiate nor participate in any conversations at urinals

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39

Annual

Things Every Man Should Know by

If you don’t know how to do these, learn to. Jump-start a car This helps you avoid the damsel in distress look, which is a good thing since you’re a man and all. Give a good handshake Dainty is no way for a man to shake a hand. Your aim should be to pulverize the fingers of all you greet. Tie a tie Have you ever heard of a dude with a clip-on getting laid? Cook one meal to perfection She will think you can actually cook. Hunt or fish Because nothing says manly like the ability to wear deer urine or carry buckets of worms. Balance a checkbook Trust us, it’s hard for the homeless to get dates with the hot chick. Buy a well-fitting suit As much as you love your Aqua Team Hunger Force t-shirt, it may be a tad bit inappropriate for special occasions. Unhook a bra in six seconds flat Any longer than that and you risk her changing her mind. Change a flat tire Because nothing is more emasculating than holding the umbrella for her as she changes the tire in the rain. Channel Surf W/O hitting Lifetime If you do, you will regret it. Calculate a proper tip Unless you are auditioning for the remake of Reservoir Dogs your cheap ass better be leaving a tip. Kick an ass With each punch to the face you take you get less and less attractive to her. Literally and figuratively. Order the right drink on command There’s just something inherently cool about ordering your poison without a second thought. Drive stick Racecar drivers get girls. Racecar drivers don’t drive automatics. It’s simple math. Parallel Park If you can’t put it in one hole, you probably can’t put it in the other.

1. Get the Blues Blue is the new black when it comes to blazers and trousers this Summer. And if sizzling celebs like Ryan Gosling are sporting the look, well, you should follow suit. Try a modern version like the Circular Oxford Blazer by Zara. Comes in three colors. $90. Zara.com. 2. Fresh Canvas Leave the leather at the office and add a canvas belt to your collection. Rugged yet stylish, the Fulton from Fossil is a casual piece that looks great with anything. It comes in a versatile khaki color with antique nickel hardware. Pair it with pants or shorts. $28. Fossil.com. 3. Join the Club If you want a pair of shorts that will last all Summer and can easily be dressed up or down, join the club – Club Monaco, that is. The Maddox is a mid-rise, relaxed cotton short with a garment-washed feel and button back pockets. Comes in seven colors. $60. ClubMonaco.com.

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Summer Essentials

By Lauren Aiken - www.LaurenAiken.com

t’s that time of year again. The temps are rising, and so are the airline ticket prices. Whether you’re jumping on the next flight to Miami to hit the beach or sipping a cold one and pretending you’re in paradise, you’ll want to look hot and stay cool doing so. If you’ve got the spare change to spend, splurge on a new suit in a fresh color like blue or white, rubber-soled shoes, jeans with an athletic fit, and shirts that can take you from the boardwalk to the boardroom (just in case you’re planning on squeezing some work in). If you’re on a budget, 7. consider a new canvas belt, bright-colored boxers or briefs, boardshorts with a modern fit and bold pattern, and some new sunnies. And don’t forget your sunscreen. The raccoon-eye look isn’t in right now, or ever. Here are some Summer essentials to get your shopping list started:

Rock ‘N’ Roll GUYbrary All Access: Photography Manly books by Ken Regan

MANual:

Conversations with Scorsese by Richard Schickel

1. 2. 4.

5. 4. Wear Your Rubber The buck stops here, with the Harington Suede Bucks from J. Crew. Recently updated with a trimmer heel, a slimmed-down shape and iconic red brick rubber sole, these lightweight laceup kicks come in three colors: Buck, Khaki and Rockface Grey. $179. JCrew.com. 5. Run for the Hamiltons Not everyone has the privilege of spending Summer in the Hamptons, but we can all spend it wearing custom crafted shirts thanks to Hamilton 1883. Each is made in the company’s Houston workshop and cut from the world’s finest fabrics. $195. Hamilton1883.com. 6. Junk in the Trunk Those tattered boardshorts you wore on last Summer’s vacay just aren’t cutting it this year. Swap em’ for the Billabong Komplete, made with lightweight recycled polyester/spandex, featuring a multicolor stripe design and neon stitching. $65. Billabong.com. 7. Rugby Burn Burton isn’t just for boarding. They make pretty cool rugby shirts, too. Rock the stripey style in this long-sleeve stretchy version that features DRYRIDE Ultrawick breathable material, a stinkproof microbial finish, and chafe-free seams for your comfort. $56. Gear.com. 8. Shady Character Everyone and their Mom is wearing wayfarers. Be the center of attention in the VonZipper Desmond sunglasses, a squarish design with large lenses and a unique look. 100% UV protection, impact resistant lenses and a wire-injected temple core. $95. VonZipper.com.

Genius and Heroin by Michael Largo

Seal Team Six by Howard E. Wasdin

I Suck at Girls by Justin Halpern

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39 june 6 - 12, 2012

Photo Courtesy: Jack Hughes

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n this day in age it is becoming harder and harder to find men of character. Modern exemplifications of chivalrous behavior are vague and too often go unrecognized. Make it easier and give the world more examples. This serves to provide a new perspective on some age-old collected wisdom. The following are not rules but rather guidelines for etiquette and life to help you remain a cut above. Break the mold.

A gentleman respects the time of others, punctuality is part of his character.

A gentleman keeps at all times his watch, his wallet, and a kind word.

A gentleman is a defender. Should he stand in a position of power it should become a pedestal on which to lift up those that cannot reach it themselves.

A gentleman understands the difference between age and maturity. A gentleman is always looking for ways to further refine himself through languages, travels, history, and literature. Constantly building upon oneself so that the man he is tomorrow is greater than the man he is today. A gentlemanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s manners are as indispensable to him as his sense of style. Sarcasm is the fodder of the intellectually inept. A gentleman can make her feel that in a world of 7 billion only she and he exist.

A gentleman can communicate without the use of expletive. A crass vocabulary is a sure sign of questionable character. A gentleman is not above an apology. Sincerity is in his nature.

Being a gentleman is a matter of purpose, integrity, morality, humanity and a little magic. A gentleman knows how to take something that everyone knows and make it a little better...a little cooler. It is in his nature. Gentlemen - open doors, hold elevators, smile, keep promises, be genuine. Do these and you will quickly see how different you are from those who do not. -taken from The Fresh Generation Handbook by C. Patterson

Upgrade Your Style Subtil Cologne Salvatore Ferragamo ($75) Impress her by not smelling like a jockstrap. Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll thank youâ&#x20AC;Śprobably all night long.

Essential Strap Bulova ($150) Time to put the Swatch away and the time for a Swatch is Nevuary 32nd.

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Billfold w/ 3 Flaps Louis Vuitton ($549) Let her know you have some class. Everybody loves Louis. iPhone 4s Apple ($199) If you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have a smartphone by now let me explain: those are the things that all the people who are cooler than you have up against their faces.

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June 6 - 12, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39

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See more of Olivia and others at Blitzweekly.com Photo Courtesy: Chuck Majors / www.shotbyephoto.com Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Olivia

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39 june 6 - 12, 2012

Scale The Summit

HOUSTON QUARTET IS REACHING NEW HEIGHTS

Photos Courtesy: Scale The Summit

ByMateeka Ethan Harmon blackstar4556@gmail.com By Lanee’ – —Mateekalanee.wordpress.com

hink of your favorite band. What makes this band so special? Is it the lyrics and how they flow with the rhythm? Is it the way the members construct the songs? Perhaps you are a musician yourself and you respect the guitar work. Of course, your favorite band mixes all of these elements together, creating a journey for your senses. The notes dance through your mind as your body feels the beat flow through every nerve. Music is an experience, and one band has made an experience unlike any other. Scale the Summit, formed in Houston, Texas, is purely an instrumental ensemble, but do not let this detour you. The quartet, using their technical prowess and musical mastery, has crafted some of the most beautiful songs that have ever graced venues around the country. Seven-string electric guitars coupled with a six-string bass are layered with double-bass drums, an unconventional choice in instruments, yet a magical combination. Chris Letchford, Mark Mitchell, Pat Skeffington, and Travis Levrier have broken the barriers of classical, metal, progressive, and other genres, delivering the masterpiece that is their music. The band went relatively unnoticed after the release of their debut album, Monument. The album gained them a few tours and new fans, but not much else. It was their second release, Carving Desert Canyons that pushed the band into the spotlight. Melodic tunes such as “The Great Plains” and “Giants” showed the world their unique style and sounds. The success of the album prompted nationwide tours with local bands and even the legendary progressive group Dream Theater. But

Scale the Summit was far from finished. The four musicians were soon recording another album, which hit shelves back in March 2011. Titled The Collective, Scale the Summit upped their game by unleashing the entirety of their talent. Melodies cascaded throughout the songs; waves of pure song washed over the entire disk. It was the definition of music. Having now established a loyal fan base by tirelessly touring and recording, Scale the Summit has decided to take on a headlining tour throughout the US. The band will be dropping by many states to play their set, which is more of an experience than a concert. Do not hesitate and miss out on this amazing show, nor should you continue to miss out on hearing their music. The soulful tracks should be experienced first-hand, but they should be experienced nonetheless.

Zombies of miami Yummy…people

Photo Courtesy: teresia

girl at work is eating a Hot Pocket that shares a shockingly similar smell to the inside of a stinky toilet and suddenly I feel a crushing defeat. Why is the food in Miami so horrible? Everything tastes like it’s either soaked in ammonia and vinegar or so salty you can’t tell it apart from the other slop on the menu. I know, I know. I shouldn’t whine so much. Granny from Downton Abbey always pops into my head at these moments--”Darling, don’t complain! It’s so middle class.” But when I look at all these hopelessly fat people eating bacon-wrapped cheeseburgers and processed meat dripping with nitrates, I can’t help but panic at this growing pandemic. The bad food is going to kill us, either our spirit or from diabetes and heart disease. So I can’t help but wonder, how does this happen in a major metropolitan and international city like Miami? And even more horrifying, why is everyone okay with it? Everyone I have talked to always gives me a funny look when I say there is nothing good to eat that won’t hurt me quite severely later. I am lost in a sea of mindless robots determined to destroy themselves. Still, I must find the ladder out of this dark hole, a ray of light and understanding.

By Jesse Whitman http://jessewhitman.tumblr.com/ By Mateeka Lanee’ – -Mateekalanee.wordpress.com To answer the first question, I can only assume it’s caused by two factors: Miami is filled with old people and refugees. This is the place people go to die so old people don’t care, and if you are apathetic about taste, it clearly means you’ve given up on life. And then you’ve got a city filled with refugees who are used to eating gruel and starving for years. Alex, 60, a self-loathing Cuban, explained it this way: “For Cubans it’s psychological. You can’t tell them not to eat steak and hamburgers when they haven’t been able to have it for years.” So don’t you want to help your fellow Cubans to stop killing themselves on this awful food, I ask? To my surprise he replied, “No. I don’t give a sh*t. I say feed them more and more so they’ll die faster. Because this place will finally get better once the Cubans are gone. Now it’s like a third world country.” In an instant this brilliant, self-loathing Cuban was like a guardian angel sent from the heavens, a ray of hope in what seemed like an ocean of confusion and complete bewilderment. Miami is kind of like hell, and time and time again I can’t understand how

endless streams of Eurotrash flock here for vacation. Only in hell does it reach 100 degrees before 10 am, where hoards of people mindlessly gorge themselves on food that smells like a combination of wet dog and stale urine. What’s next? An insane creature of the night feasting on a half-dead man’s face? Well, not surprisingly that has already happened—in Miami proper-and I’m sure you’ve heard about it. The story has changed so much I’m not sure what to believe, but my understanding is that he went batsh*t crazy because of some combination of bad drugs—bath salts of some kind that are going around—and an unspecified mental disease. But in the crazy man’s defense, maybe he just mistook the man’s face for local Cuban food? As I sit on the beach and look at the beautiful blue water and swaying palm trees, I try to ignore the trash behind me and remind myself that to the untrained eye this place looks like paradise. And so my best consolation continues to be staring out at the ocean and pretending I’m in Hawaii. Also, I am slightly comforted with the trick to eating Cuban food. It’s all about timing—if you eat a churro right before you go to bed, for example, you can just sleep through the awful stomachache and pretend it never happened. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

June 6 - 12, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39

bob’s steak & chop house a must for everyone!

By The Bum - www.dallasrestaurantreviews.net Bob’s Steak & Chop House is one of the finest steak restaurants in Dallas, and maybe even the best. Everybody’s got their favorite, but I know steak lovers who would say that Bobs Chop House IS the best.

Bob’s Steak & Chop House 4300 Lemmon Avenue Dallas – 75219 (214) 528-9446 www.bobs-steakandchop.com

ATMOSPHERE “Steakhouse traditional”. Wood paneling, masculine, clubby. A who’s who of patrons. (I’m disappointed now if I don’t see someone I recognize.) On my last two visits to Bob’s Chop House, Mike Modano was holding court in the front room -- and with the exception of one table of four attractive young women, no one seemed to be paying much attention A somewhat nondescript building on Lemmon Avenue at Wycliff in Dallas. Don’t even think about parking your own car -there’s barely enough room for the valet to operate.

Hours: Mon-Thu 5-10pm Fri-Sat 5-11pm Sunday – Closed

Food When it comes to steaks, it doesn’t get any better. Also they round out the menu with Lobster, Lamb, Veal and Seafood (none of which I’ve tried, but I’m sure that they’re darn good). Bob’s Chop House has excellent sides. Nothing flashy or exotic -- just perfect. Wine Awesome, as you would expect at a great steak place. Blitz-Worthy Entrees typically in the $30’s. But you were expecting cheap? Bobs Chop House is highly recommended if you love steak. A comfortable setting -- not stuffy. They even have a few TV’s. The bar is usually crowded -- always a good sign.

Photo Courtesy: Andy Tsai, Mary S, Phil C.

What to eat: Prime “Cote de Boeuf” Bone-in Ribeye, Veal “Bone-in” Rib Chop, Prime T-Bone, Giant Onion Rings and the Honey Carrot

Who eats there: Lovers of all things steak or that come with the phrase “bone-in,” couples looking for a special evening, and anyone looking for their belly to get fuller and their wallet to get lighter.

Photos Courtesy: wfuv, Wade Emmert, William Jones, Stephen Mitchell, Amy, FotoCastor

WED. 6/6

Santigold House of Blues – Dallas The eccentric songstress and one of the most interesting people in music makes a pit stop here in Big D. Her fans are diehard so it may be hard getting your hands on these tickets. 7pm.

thurs. 6/7

Tequila tasting for galt Maximo – Dallas The Greyhound Adoption League of Texas is inviting you to get drunk for a good cause! Taste the finest tequila in the land and benefit GALT. We’re not sure when it starts but it ends when the room starts spinning.

Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Fri. 6/8

The Rocky Horror Picture Show Lakewood Theater Dallas Not exactly a highbrow film but a classic none the less. Experience the immortal movie the way it was meant to be seen…in an actual theater. 11pm.

Sat. 6/9

h2o music fest Cotton Bowl - Dallas UniVision & MiO bring you Weezer, Paulina Rubio, Maná, Snoop Dogg, Damien Marley, Ramon Ayala, and many more in this bilingual powerhouse concert festival. 10am.

Sun. 6/10

wounded warrior half marathon Williams Square – Dallas Support the bravery of our men and women in uniform and participate in one of the coolest 10Ks in the country. Some of the proceeds help the Semper Fi Fund. 5:45am.

mon. 6/11

bartenders w/o borders Bryan Street Tavern Dallas There’s nothing like meeting new bartenders and BST gives you new ones every Monday night. It must be hell for their payroll department. 9pm.

tues. 6/12

Lemurs vs. Airhogs QuikTrip Park - Dallas It may not be the MLB but the American Association teams names are friggin’ awesome. Our AirHogs will beat the fur off of those pesky Lemurs. Everybody hates lemurs. 7:05pm.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39 june 6 - 12, 2012

HollywoodPROFILE - Charlize Theron

Bring me your heart, my dear, dear Snow White

By Aeryn Ripley– @BlitzWeekly

Lil Wayne – Might want to get familiar with Stubhub.com because last week he was denied entry to the Thunder/Spurs game due to a lack of tickets. Wayne went to Twitter to express his anger with OKC, but a team rep said, “We did not deny him…we [were] completely sold out.” Justin Bieber – Needed some Advil last week after being knocked out cold in gay Parree. The Biebs ran into a wall of glass between sets at his concert in Paris. Justin passed out for 15 seconds and suffered a concussion. Guess that is Justin’s new biggest hit. Big Bird – And friends are allegedly being used to torture Guantanamo Bay detainees. A new documentary by Al Jazeera claims that prisoners at Gitmo are strapped with headphones and forced to listen to Sesame Street songs for hours and hours…and hours…and hours. Ernie had no comment, Oscar the Grouch could be heard laughing in the background.

Snow White and the Huntsman isn’t your mother’s fairy tale! Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth and Kristen Stewart star in this dark tale of the fairest of them all. Guided by vanity, the evil Queen Raveena, played by Theron, sets out to destroy young Snow White (Stewart) by enlisting The Huntsman (Hemsworth) to kill her, but unbeknownst to Raveena, The Huntsman falls for the fair maiden and instead trains her in the art of war enabling her to threaten the reign of the evil Queen. I sat down with Oscar winner Theron to talk about her character and working with two of Hollywood’s hottest young stars.

You play the wicked Queen Raveena. Why is she so evil and so intent on being the ‘fairest of them all’? She’s a character who is born into this gypsy community, gypsy philosophy, this idea that her mother instilled in her at a very young age that she can only be her true best self if she remains young and stays beautiful. So, she kind of realizes that with her magical powers, that is kind of her survival. That’s the road she travels. This film is very dark in tone, but absolutely spectacular to watch.

environments aren’t helping them. For Suzy, it is her dysfunctional parents (Bill Murray and Frances McDormand) communicating through a blow horn in their labyrinthine house. For Sam it is being that kid at Khaki Scout Camp (Edward Norton is the Khaki Scout Leader), who has a sash full of merit badges but still just doesn’t fit in. The two team up to organize an escape; by mail. Sam and Suzy navigate their way to a forgotten part of their island and set up camp. There was never any chance the adults wouldn’t find their well apportioned hideout on the bay, and there was even less chance they would understand the couple’s instant bond. It is the first in a

I think we all came in with that kind of energy and that’s an incredible thing to be around... your fellow actors, feeling like you have to be on your toes at all times Speaking of fellow actors, Kristen Stewart, so beloved as “Bella” in the twilight series. What was it like working with her? I am so thoroughly impressed with her. Oh my god, when I think of myself back when I was her age, she’s really special. She’s really got a good, good head on her shoulders. What’s your take on the look and feel of the film? It is like nothing I’ve been a part of. It really is epic in scale. It is gorgeous. It is disturbing. It’s always walking this very fine line of fantasy and reality, heightened fantasies and harsh realities, and I think that’s the thing that grounds it and makes it feel, makes you care, makes you connect, gets you hooked. But at the same time, it’s a real feast for the eyes. I mean, it’s beautifully shot. This film is really, really gorgeous. One of my favorite new big screen heroes is Chris Hemsworth who is also one of the fantastic stars of the film. He really just seems like the most perfect choice for The Huntsman. It was a really good group of people, and Chris is right up there. I mean he’s just like, salt of the earth. He really loves what he does and understands how fortunate he is to be in the position that he’s in and wants to push himself.

What do you think audiences will most love about this film, and why should they go see it? I think this film; the scale of it and how epic it is, on how visual it is combined with the actors, the cast alone is incredible. The grounding of the work in hyper-reality, I think that’s what people are going to connect with. I think it’s going to be a feast for their eyes, but I think at the core, it’s going to be something that emotionally really moves them, and I think that’s ultimately the greatest thing that you can ask for. If you want to get lost in the fantasy, you can check out Snow White and The Huntsman tonight! It’s playing nationwide, and the film is rated Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, and brief sensuality.

By Drew Davis - svo1905@gmail.com series of crises that challenges are a couple of things going for Moonrise the star studded supporting Kingdom right off the bat. The two characters cast to put things right in their are at that magical age before puberty when own lives. they still speak as sincerely as children, and If redemption is a theme their too serious attempts to imitate the adult of Wes Anderson movies, world come out all wrong. That is pretty rich so too are his hallmark style and beyond material to work with from a comedy point of quirky characters – Moonrise Kingdom is no view. The movie is set in 1965, when it was still exception. It still has plenty of those geek-gasm possible to be 12 going on 13 instead of 12 moments that catch you off guard with their going on 17. The innocence of the characters delightful absurdity, but it feels more mainstream feels authentic. than some of his movies. In his oeuvre there is Moonrise Kingdom may be one of those always a romantic relationship that seems to be perfect romance movies precisely for us at the center of the plot, but this may well be the romance haters – I suspect we can count Wes first proper Wes Anderson romance. Anderson (and much of the cast) among our Personally, I hate romance movies, but there numbers.

MovieReview of Moonrise Kingdom The location Moonrise Kingdom in Wes Anderson’s new movie by the same name isn’t instantly recognizable. After the lights have come up, however there is a realization that like Hotel California, it is a destination we all know. At a younger age, we all had these special, secluded places. By embracing these hidden away places, they become a part of our own worlds, in an actual world that still sees us just kids. The prepubescent protagonists in Moonrise Kingdom take this place to a completely different level. The young couple, Sam (Jared Gilman) and Suzy (Kara Hayward), are labeled “emotionally disturbed” and “troubled” respectively. To be sure these two are quite different, and their

By Vivian Fullerlove — vfullerlove@blitzweeky.com

Dallas Polo Club

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EVERYBODY IS INVITED NEXT MATCH

6/23 - 7PM

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C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1 Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

June 6 - 12, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39

AuTOReview: 2012 Ford F250 Super Duty FX4 King Ranch

watch the throne

Photo Courtesy: Ford Motor Company

Another week, another truck (or so it seems) and this time around it is the 2012 F-250 FX4 King Ranch Super Duty pickup from Ford. For the 2009 model year, Ford brought out an all-new Super Duty lineup of heavy-duty (threequarter and one ton) pickups. For 2011 it was deja vu all over again. So why a complete makeover for this segment? The government. Yes, lawmakers in our nation’s capitol mandated stricter emissions guidelines for the (dieselpowered) heavy-duty pickup segment in 2010 and automakers had until late in that model year to comply. Ford (with GM and the Chrysler Group following shortly thereafter) gave its Super Duty pickup line not only a pair of totally new engines and transmissions, but decided to address the entire vehicle with the model makeover. The result? The baddest big boy (and girl) toy-todate from the big blue oval. Ford has known truck market leadership for something like 34 years straight and judging by our Super Duty experiences they are serious about staying on top. Ford continues the Super Duty models for 2012 – F-250, F-350 and F-450 – offering single rear wheel in 250 and 350 models and dual rear wheels for the 350 and 450 rigs. The new 6.7-liter turbo-diesel V-8 cranks out a whopping 390 horsepower and an incredible 735 lb.-ft. of torque, all the while achieving bestin-class fuel economy and biodiesel compatibility. The new 6.2-liter V-8 gas engine is nothing to sneeze at either despite it waning in the face of the new diesel. Each engine is mated to a new heavy duty TorqShift six-speed automatic transmission (no manual gearboxes from Ford), and a couple of other new standouts include an electronic locking rear differential and Live Drive Power Take Off (PTO). The latter may only be of interest for specific work applications but the demonstrations were pretty cool and rural fire departments will appreciate the new PTO for their quick attack grass and brush fire rigs.

By David Goodspeed - dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com New exterior styling keeps the Super Duty fresh for the segment and service personnel will appreciate a new clamshell-style hood. I noticed a larger fuel filler door right off. This allows for access not only for refilling fuel but the new urea-based Diesel Exhaust Fluid that is injected into the exhaust to provide for the cleaner emissions. The DEF can be refilled at service intervals. On-road or off, the new Ford Super Duty has proved itself much more than merely capable. This new truck goes above and beyond. Super Duty includes a wealth of features to aid productivity at the job site and provide more conveniences to customers. Standard and available technology features include: • Ford Work Solutions, which features in-dash computer, Tool Link™, Crew Chief™ and Cable Lock; • MyKey (standard on all Super Duty pickups); • Auxiliary audio input jack; • SIRIUS® Satellite Radio; SYNC® with Traffic, Directions &amp; Information; • Voice-activated navigation system with touchscreen display; • Reverse Vehicle Aid Sensor; • Rear View Camera; • Power Code™ Remote Start System; • PowerScope™ trailer tow mirrors; • Integrated Trailer Brake Controller. Ford narrows its message of the new Super Duty down to three “P”s: Power, Performance and Productivity. There is a fourth “P” I have not discussed yet – Price. We found sample pricing information in each of the different models we tested. The 4x4 Crew Cab F-250 and F-350 models we tested began around 49 grand and when fully-loaded in King Ranch and Lariat trim levels they were stickering out around $64k-66k. A princely sum to be certain, but for that fourth “P” one gets the security of knowing they are driving “Triple P” class leadership and segment excellence.

EVA Solo Grill Globe This half aluminum half stainless-steel spherical griller has a built-in thermometer and also sports stainless-steel legs that make this one of the coolest things for the hot summer. ($500)

Sony Alpha Nex-F3 Camera This pocket-cam smashes its competition with 16.1 megapixels, DSLR-sized Exmor CMOS sensor, available E-mount lenses, built-in flash, tiltable LCD display and a price tag that won’t make you projectile vomit. ($600)

Nike Golf 360º App Finally an app that can help your pitiful golf game. You can track your scoring and stats, upload video of your swing to see progress, get important info that gets you into shape, and have a pocket caddy that tells you which club to use. It’s almost like you’re a real golfer! ($Free) Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39 june 6 - 12, 2012

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece. Q: What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby? A: Go ask your mother!

Q: What’s the difference between a banker and a cheese pizza? A: A cheese pizza can feed a family of four.

Doctor Love A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh. “Do you know what I’m doing?” he asks. “Yes,” she replies. “You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities.” “That’s right,” says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer,” she replies. “Correct,” says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place.”

Gemini May 21 – June 21 Even though it’s your birthday, you feel strange receiving all those Easter Island statues. Cancer June 22 – July 22 You should stop telling everyone that you are popular with the ladies. The truth is that only your wallet is popular with the ladies. Leo July 23 – August 22 You will give up your attempt to make the world’s largest omelet after you discover how depressingly serious others are about it.

Blitz Funnys

POOR GIRL, NO MORE May 31, 2012, KHOU-TV tells of Conroe, Texas, honor student Diane Tran, jailed 24 hours in Montgomery County, for truancy. Judge Lanny Moriarty later erased the 17-year-old’s record, after she explained, having no parents, besides studying very hard to earn excellent grades, she also worked two jobs to support herself and her siblings. (Good news: Reports of her predicament on Facebook raised tens of thousands of dollars.) FLYING ABOVE FINANCIAL SANITY? Reported June 1, 2012 London’s Heathrow Airport was going to great

Virgo August 23 – September 22 There’s nothing wrong with waiting tables while waiting for your big break, unless of course, you’re working at Silver City. Libra September 23 – October 22 You have many deep questions about destiny, fate and the future. It’s a shame that so many of them concern the Dallas Cowboys. Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Sometimes there are things that a friend is too nice to tell you about. Lucky for you, you don’t have any friends like that.

expense constructing a “Game Terminal” for the upcoming London 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games (Aug. 10 – 13, 2012). Constructed solely to process 37,000 bags and some 10,000 athletes landings and departures, for a total of 72-hours, this $31 million structure will then be “removed.” (That equals $837.84 for each and every bag/$3,100 for each and every passenger.) HOW ABOUT 1-800-DOGGIE-TREATS? A British publication, The Sun, tells of George, a 2-year-old Basset Hound from South Heindley, West Yorkshire, because he saved his own life. Left alone, while owner Steve Brown was away shopping, this anxious doggie tangled in the cord of an old, heavy-duty phone, and, when it fell, the cord fell too …around poor George’s neck, choking him with each movement. Next, apparently gasping for breath, at least one of his feet continued to dance on top of the number “9”, causing help to arrive in minutes. (In England, the numbers 999 equals 911 in the US.)

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Remember to always take baby steps. You have no reason to rush into something big like a trip to Mexico.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 You’ll baffle psychiatrists when they unknowingly discover that you are indeed anal receptive.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Although you’ve slept your way through many things, no one would ever mistake it for success.

Aries March 21 – April 19 They say that clothes make the man. In your case be sure to ask “if they want fries with that”.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 It’s getting really difficult for your loved ones to believe that you don’t have any spare change.

Taurus April 20 – May 20 Since you never understand the stars they’ll try to explain it in binary to you: 0011 101 0110 1100.

ACROSS 1. Applaud 5. Supplemented 10. Afflicts 14. Rabbit 15. Margin 16. Blackthorn 17. Pharmacist 19. Thin strip 20. Belief 21. Give a speech 22. Noxious plants 23. Anagram of “Irately” 25. Coming and _____ 27. Donkey 28. Lip rouge 31. Grain to be ground 34. Kiosk 35. French for “Good” 36. Hearing organs 37. A ring-shaped surface 38. Countertenor 39. Ribonucleic acid

40. Periods of 60 minutes 41. Top of a wave 42. Lose one’s fetus 44. Seek damages 45. Adhere 46. Any amazing occurrence 50. Earlier in time 52. Lacquer ingredient 54. Not her 55. Steals 56. Transparent gem 58. Doing nothing 59. Passageway 60. Portent 61. Encounter 62. Doorkeeper 63. Curve

DOWN 1. Seat 2. Expire 3. Fragrance 4. Animal companion 5. Turns away 6. Rot 7. “Darn!” 8. Flagrant 9. Former North African ruler 10. Nod 11. Unreadable 12. Weight to be borne 13. Collections 18. Raise 22. Desire 24. Young girl 26. Chooses 28. British for “Truck” 29. Camp beds 30. Clove hitch or figure eight 31. Bacterium 32. Hindu princess

33. Short-tempered 34. Belonging to the middle class 37. Ripped 38. District 40. Found on most heads 41. Papal court 43. Wardrobe 44. Boil slowly 46. European blackbird 47. Ring 48. Flax fabric 49. Make improvements 50. Dainty 51. Was a passenger 53. Verdant 56. Letter after sigma 57. Toss

Solution on Page 18 Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

June 6 - 12, 2012

Photo Courtesy:lulu2222

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39

The CLOSER

The

AnsweR GUY Engel Gold Brewed by: Crailsheimer Engelbrau ABV: 5.40% This brew pours a bright golden beer with a snow white head and has great retention. The aroma is very sweet with floral scents. It is sharp, crisp and a bit tangy to the palate. It is a medium bodied beer and smooth. The carbonation is great and the brew is well balanced. Bauza Jaguar Wrapper: Ecuadoran Binder:Dominican Filler:Dominican Strength: Medium-Full Perhaps one of the best kept secrets at Casa Fuente, this stick was named after a pre-Embargo Cuban brand no longer produced for export. This smoke has a nice appearance with minimal veins. Pre-smoke offers scents of chocolate and tobacco. The initial draw offers much spice with cedar and woody aromas. A slight cinnamon touch comes out in the second third of the smoke and the last third rewards with rich tobacco flavors and spices. It burns evenly and is well constructed. Coup De Grace Ingredients: 1/3 oz Vodka 100 proof 1/3 oz White Godiva Chocolate Liqueur 1/3 oz Peppermint Schnapps Mixing Instructions: Mix all three on ice in shaker give a graceful shake and pour it in the shot glass. Say a little grace and slam that bad boy down.

with Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur, I started dating an older woman and in the beginning things were perfect; she was mature, she gave me my space, and she was just a fun person to be around. As things started to progress between us, she started talking more and more about having kids and all this stuff about her biological clock. She is 37 and I am 26 – to be quite honest about it I don’t think I want children right now…with her. Am I a bad person? Signed, Almost out of time You’re dealing with a ticking biological time bomb: Waiting to explode with babies and diapers everywhere! If this isn’t your thing, respect her enough and move on. Otherwise you’ll be knee deep in PTA meetings and homework with a woman who is probably 10 years younger than your mother. I salute you for being brave enough to engage in cougar hunting. There’s nothing more beautiful and poetic than vintage vagina. However, it’s obvious that you’ve grown bored with it and her because she wants a serious relationship. And, now you want out because she wants a commitment in the form of a child! A good friend of mine once told me that a woman generally feels the need to have a baby when she feels a guy is drifting away. I agree with this statement and since you stated that you do not “want children right now…with her” that further illustrates the point. This mature older woman knows this. However, her ego doesn’t want to view this as yet another failed attempt at starting a family. A decision has to be made before a child is brought into the mix, rather intentionally or not! No one will come across as a bad person as long as you’re both honest!

BATMAN How You Know Him: Masked guy, fights crime, and is beckoned with a customized searchlight. Blitz sits down with the master of the utility belt to discuss politics, weather, and the logistics of being the Caped Crusader. Who better to have for the MANual? How are you today? Grim, I need a throat lozenge and this suit is chaffing me something awful. Oh. Well, happy belated birthday. You’re holding up pretty well for a 73-year-old. Thanks, Cave-dwelling is good for the soul and I use the Shake Weight a lot. Impressive. What’s your favorite color? Pitch Black. Do hot summers bother you? You know, in the body suit and all? Not really, My suit secretes cooling eucalyptus. Scenario: You are out patrolling the city for crime and nature calls, what do you do? The Batsuit is waterproof and stain resistant. It ‘s like astronauts except I wet myself in Gotham City instead of space. What do you do to get your mind off of work? Play Xbox 360 and jam out with my band Batman and Batusi’s. Biggest pet peeve Having to erase 40 Frank Miller voicemails a day. The guy is really annoying. Anything else you would like to add to our first ever Annual Manual? No.

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 39 june 6 - 12, 2012

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