Blitz Weekly

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 RANGERS

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40 Greatest Rangers Ever Smell Like A Man Dumbest Celebrity Quotes NBA Free Agent Mania

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JuLY 11 - 17, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44 juLY 11 - 17, 2012

On deck

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Photo Courtesy: Sports Propaganda

Texas Rangers: All-Stars

By Keysha Hogan – @TheKeysha

SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Bad Boys Bad Boys 3 Cuban Makes $ense 4 40 Years, 40 Great Rangers 5 Dallas Stars Offseason 6 Get Game?

6 The Big Plunge 7 Eat It. Wear It. Go There.

9 Dumb Celebrity Quotes 9 Cover Story Rangers All-Star Break 10-11 No Playing Around 11 BLITZ Entertainment Brooke 12 Bread Winner’s 13 Guide To Cologne 13 High Expectations 14 Art Spotlight 14 Hollywood Shuffle 15 Female Superheroes 15 Movie Review 15 Auto Review 16 Gadgets 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 The Answer Guy 18 2-Minute Drill 18

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Graphic Designer Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Photo Darryl Briggs Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mateeka Lanee, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith Contributing Photographers Mikael Jansson, SportsPropaganda, UrbanJungle, WittyGraphy Contributing Writers Cote Bailey, C.J. Gardner, Jr., Ethan Harmon, Martin Iheke, Frank LaCosta, Patricia Rigby, Aeryn Ripley, Charles Roberts, Danny Woodley, Blake Zipoy

CONTACT US Phone: 214-529-7370 • FAX: 972-960-8618 Email: info@blitzweekly.com

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his past weekend I was blasted by my Fantasy Football friends for choosing Adrian Peterson as my keeper just a few hours before his arrest. So, until this all gets squared away with Houston PD I don’t want to talk football. Let’s just ignore the fact that my fantasy team is already on shaky ground and take a look at the Rangers.

Thankfully, Ron Washington finally switched up his lineup after a lengthy five game losing streak. Moving Nelson Cruz to fifth and Michael Young to the sixth spot was the change that gave the team an edge in Game 2 against the Twins. Let’s be honest Young is having a tough time. Last year he hit .351 in his old spot and this year he was at .273 and sinking. I doubt Washington will make the change permanent, but hopefully it’s enough to help him awake from this slump.

The offense didn’t need another challenge but on Friday Josh Hamilton left the game with back spasms. He recovered and was back in the line up the next day, but he said the pain scared him because he felt immediate weakness in his legs. Of course, they iced him down and he improved, but this is a problematic way to enter the rest of the season.

Even though this rough patch has been stressing out fans, there’s still a lot to look forward to. The 83rd All-Star Game featured eight of our very own Rangers. Thanks to amazing attendance records and diehard fans, North Texans may have actually decided to watch the game this year. Ian Kinsler, Joe Nathan, Mike Napoli, Yu Darvish, Adrian Beltre, Matt Harrison, Elvis Andrus, and Hamilton joined Washington and his coaching staff in Kansas City for the game.

Sending eight players to the All-Star game is a club record for the Rangers and three more than the next closest team. This is huge. The combination of Nolan Ryan helping to secure the funds, and John Daniels’ ideology to build from within, the organization has grown and become a first rate competitor in every way.

Daniel’s support of rebuilding the farm system has been so important in the club’s back-toback AL pennants. Key players stepped up and committed the financial resources to make sure that the Rangers were leaders in the development of players and scouting.

So I know this is all well and good, but you’re only reading team reports to determine if there’s still a World Series win in our future. Once everyone heals up and finds their groove, it’s likely that the Rangers will be on track to play some serious ball going into October. After decades of struggle the club is smack dab in the middle of their heyday. Instead of wringing our hands and making ourselves sick, let’s enjoy the comfort of knowing that our team deserves to be among the elite in the league. The days of merely being good enough are over. The Rangers are a team of All-Stars and this year they can still make it happen.

Sayonara Smith Former Raiders defensive end Anthony Wayne Smith was charged last week with three counts of first –degree murder, which should go well with the count he had in 2008. Smith, 43, is charged with beating, stabbing, and kidnapping of one victim and shooting the others.

Yay, you’re famous!

So your cellmates One in 1999 and the others will know your name! in 2001.

Uncle Walter on: finding the Higgs Boson ‘God particle’ They say it will help us find out how the universe started. Now if they can just find my remote they can help me find out how Law & Order SUV started.

The Purple Police Pusher One of the best NFL running backs ever got some new jewelry last Saturday night when Houston PD gave him his very own handcuffs. “Purple Jesus” was taken in for resisting arrest (linebackers can’t catch this guy but HPD could?) after allegedly shoving an off-duty cop during his drunken mischief. Apparently there’s no love for the Vikings in H-town.

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JuLY 11 - 17, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44 Photo Courtesy: Gregg Case

Cuban makes $ense!

free agency buffet leaves mavs fans hungry

M

eet the elder, wiser and savvy Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban and his grand plan. The 2012 season has come and gone with the Mavericks bowing out after a first round sweep by eventual Western Conference Champion Oklahoma City Thunder. A sweep, which showed glaring weaknesses in a Mavericks team hoping to make a difference in the postseason. Mavs fans had hoped that between the most recent NBA Draft and free agency these issues would be resolved with dreams of returning to the Finals this upcoming season. The results of the draft will be seen in the future and so far free agency has landed the team all of zero free agents. As a matter of fact it seems that the team has lost a few of the functioning parts to the machine.

Good bye to Jason Terry who has moved onto the Boston Celtics. Good bye to Jason Kidd who took his talents to the New York Knicks. All Mark Cuban and his brain trust can do is sit back and reassess their strategy for the here and now as well as the future.

Not So Fast My Friend Mark Cuban and friends have not been caught up in the free agent mayhem that has enamored other teams. For all of their infinite wisdom and experience they have been tight lipped about missing out on the opportunity to land the gem of this year’s class Deron Williams who opted to remain with the Brooklyn Nets (5 years/$98 million). The Mavs did not fall into the trap of trying to sign Jeremy Lin (Rockets - 4 years/$30 million) nor did they reacquire aging superstar Steve Nash (Lakers – 3 years/$27 million). The Mavs did not follow the Phoenix Suns plan to sign Goran Dragic and Michael Beasley. These two free agents certainly wouldn’t have put the

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By Frank LaCosta - flacosta@blitzweekly.com

Mavs into title contention. Cuban was quoted as saying, “The old rules aren’t the same as the new rules so putting together a championship team it could be a completely different approach. So it’s not about, or it may or may not be about which free agents, or free agent -- it could be a whole different approach. So we’ll wait and see. And it’s the same discussion I have with anybody that we have a very specific way that we think it takes to put together a championship team and we’re going to continue to do it. But we’re not going to just throw out one way and say that’s the only way it goes, because that’s typically the wrong way.” Cuban showed fiscal restraint and is one of the few owners to do so this offseason. It is a tough pill for Mavs fans to swallow. Everyone else has newly signed talent and we don’t. The win now philosophy will have to be put on hold.

There’s Still Hope Mavs fans can still hope and dream of having their own “Big Three” and by having plenty of cap space to work with that may come to fruition next year.

The talking heads have been rambling on about how this isn’t fair to Dirk Nowitzki. Dirk still has two years remaining on his current contract and even though he is getting up there in age he still has plenty of gas left in his tank. Mavs GM Donnie Nelson in a recent interview with Mike Fisher of DallasBasketball.com on the subject of Dirk stated “He’s a man. He’s a champion. And all parties involved fully intend on Dirk Nowitzki being a Mav For Life.” The sights are now set on acquiring Orlando Magic Center Dwight Howard and Los Angeles Clipper Chris Paul. Will this happen? Only time will tell if the Dallas Mavericks who by making no moves, made the right moves.

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44 juLY 11 - 17, 2012

40 Years, 40 great rangers

Since the expansion franchise Washington Senators decided to head to the Metroplex in 1972 we have had a chance to see some amazing individuals on and off of the diamond in Arlington.

Here is my list of the greatest Texas Rangers of all-time (so far). If you don’t like it make your own.

Let’s here it for the Blue Crew.

40

Ted Williams – Manager “The greatest hitter who ever lived” was also the very first manager of YOUR Texas Rangers.

39 Geno Petralli – C Played six positions in his career for the Rangers.

He’ll be forever linked with Charlie Hough.

38 Pete Incaviglia – OF Hitting 30 jacks and driving in 88 is a pretty good start to a career. “Inky” provided memorable moments.

37 Chuck Morgan – Radio Broadcaster With more than three decades under his belt Morgan is the “greatest Rangers fan” Jim Sundberg knows.

36 Alfonso Soriano – 2B An All-Star and Silver Slugger, Alfonso’s stay was short but memorable.

35 Gaylord Perry – P Helped provide lethal one-two punch with Fergie Jenkins in the mid-70s. Perry was the staff ace in 1977 on a Rangers team that won 94 games. The “Spitter” did him well.

34 Oddibe McDowell – OF The Texas Ranger known for his speed and infectious smile is tied for second of all Rangers players ever in career leadoff home runs with the first being Ian Kinsler.

33 Rusty Greer – LF Rangers fans favorite redhead. He played the game with heart and soul and will always be loved.

32 Buddy Bell – DH Bell came from a strong baseball lineage and received four of his five career All-Star appearances as a Ranger.

31 Mike Napoli – C The Rangers got the last laugh last year when they ended up with the former Angels catcher. You can still hear the chants of NA-PO-LI when he’s up to bat.

30 Rick Helling – P The Devils Lake, North Dakota native as a dominant pitcher during his second stint as a Texas Ranger.

29 Will Clark – 1B Will “The Thrill” was part of the Rangers powerhouse lineup in the mid 90s. Despite injuries

Clark was a standout player including batting .329 in 1994.

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By Cote Bailey - @BlitzWeekly

Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

28 Toby Harrah – SS The Rangers first ever shortstop saw three of his four All-Star appearances with Texas and is a member of the Texas Rangers Hall of Fame.

27 Derek Holland – P The “Dutch Oven” cemented his place in Rangers history with a phenomenal performance in Game 4 of the 2011 World Series.

26 Mike Hargrove – 1B The Texas Rangers’ first ever Rookie of the Year is tied for second all-time with the Rangers for leadoff home runs with eight.

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THE GREATEST EVER?

Doug Melvin – GM Rangers GM from 1994-2001 put together the team’s first slugging unit with Pudge, Clark, McLemore, Palmer, Greer, González, and Tettleton.

16 Eric Nadel – Radio Broadcaster Legendary broadcasting voice of the Rangers is also a member of the Texas Baseball Hall of Fame and four-time Sportswriters Association Texas Sportscaster of the Year.

24 Kenny Rogers – P The long tall gambler is known for two things in Texas 1) Pitching the Rangers only perfect game (July 28, 1994) and shoving two cameramen.

Larry Rodriguez from FOX 4 ended up in the hospital.

15 Nelson Cruz - RF The 2011 ALCS MVP has the MLB record for home runs in a series (6). Cruz tied the record for most postseason home runs in a season with eight.

23 Tom Henke – RP The six-foot-five “Terminator” was one of the most feared closers in baseball during both his tours as a Texas Rangers and was the 1995 NL Rolaids Relief Man of the Year.

22 Jim Sundberg – C A six-time Gold Glove winner is a Texas Rangers Hall of Famer.

21 Rafael Palmeiro – 1B The Glove winner and Silver slug hitter hit his 500th homer as a Texas Ranger.

20 Cliff Lee – P Provided the Texas Rangers with their first postseason series victory and struck fear in the heart of the Yankees in 2010.

19 Tom Grieve – TV Broadcaster The Rangers former player, then GM and now color commentator has a sweet tooth that knows the game really well.

18 Mark Teixeira – 1B Big “Tex” brought Gold Gloves and Silver Slugger Awards to 1000 Ballpark Way. 17 Elvis Andrus – SS The second most famous Elvis we know (the other being Costello…just kidding) has quickly become a fan favorite and has seen two All-Star appearances.

14 Alex Rodriguez – SS You might hate him but A-Rod was an MVP and cost the Rangers one helluva lesson for signing players to long-term contracts for exorbitant amounts.

13 CJ Wilson – P A huge part of the Rangers recent success. Wilson had 206 strikeouts as a Ranger (sixth most in team history).

12 Charlie Hough – P Master of the knuckleball, Hough was the first Rangers pitcher known for smoking in the dugout between innings back before they fined you for being a badass.

11 Neftali Feliz – RP The former record holder for most saves by a rookie in a single season (40).

7 Ian Kinsler – 2B The three-time Rangers All-Star was the 2006 Texas Rangers Rookie of the Year and became the fourth Ranger ever to hit for the cycle (April 15, 2009) and the second Ranger to get six hits in a single game on the same date.

6 Ron Washington – Manager The Rangers current skipper is loved by players and fans alike and we are sure going to the World Series twice in a row has a little to do with it.

5 Juan Gonzalez – RF Perhaps “Juan Gone” was the most feared slugger in the lineup in the mid 90s. So much so that when he went to bat they played the Imperial Death March from Star Wars.

4 Josh Hamilton – LF The best five-tool player the Rangers have ever seen and was single-handedly the Rangers’ offensive in April and May this year including going 5-for-5 with four home runs on May 8.

3 Ivan Rodriguez – C “Pudge” had 10 of his 14 All-Star appearances while wearing a Rangers uniform and also had 10 Gold Gloves and six Silver Slugger Awards and one AL MVP Award as a Ranger.

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Johnny Oates – Manager Beloved manager of the Rangers and took them to their first postseason appearance (1996) and was A.L. Manager of the Year.

2 Nolan Ryan – P “The Ryan Express” threw two of his seven career no-hitters as a Texas Ranger (June 11, 1990 & May 1, 1991) then later bought the Rangers in 2009 and quickly made us forget about Tom Effing Hicks with back-to-back World Series trips.

9 Jon Daniels – GM The Texas Rangers’ current GM and the chief architect of the back-to-back World Series appearances is one of the best minds in baseball.

1

8 Ferguson Jenkins – P “Fergie” was the first and only Rangers pitcher to achieve 25 wins in a single season and is a member of the Texas Rangers Hall of Fame.

Michael Young – 2B Over a decade worth of service in Texas has yielded seven All-Star Games, an A.L. batting championship, a Gold Glove, and two Man of the Year Awards for the Rangers utility man. No matter where he is on the field Mike gets it done.

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JuLY 11 - 17, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44

got game?

this year’s best sports games

By Danny Woodley - @BlitzWeekly

Make sure your hands are warmed up because these games will have you doing thumb Pilates!

Pro-Evolution Soccer 13 Try your best to understand what the rest of the world thinks is football. Vivid game play and motion picture worthy graphics will make this game a must play.

Console: PS3, Wii, Xbox 360, Windows Rating: E

Offseason for the dallas stars

NBA 2K13

Jagr And Others Acquired To say the Dallas Stars have made quite an impact in the offseason so far would be an understatement.

While almost everyone in the Metroplex is fixated about the disappointment in the lack of offseason moves for the Dallas Mavericks thus far, the Stars are quietly reshaping their team for next season and the future. The Stars have missed the playoffs the last four seasons with the same core of players and the lack of ownership. Not liking the direction the team was going, new owner Tom Gaglardi and general manager Joe Nieuwendyk felt changes needed to be made if the Stars want to get back to being a Stanley Cup contender again.

The Stars kicked off the offseason by trading Mike Ribeiro on draft day to the Washington Capitals for a second round draft pick and center Cody Eakin.

Ribeiro was a nice player here, but the organization felt it was time to go in a different direction not to mention his current contract is up after next season and that he will be 33 in February. If the Stars were not going to resign him, then it would be best to get something for him rather than letting him walk for nothing. Eakin is a young player trying to find his place in the league and he will probably go into training camp fighting for a spot. I thought this was a good move for the Stars.

The other significant move the Stars made this past week was trade fan-favorite Steve Ott and Adam Pardy to the Buffalo Sabres for center Derek Roy. I know a lot of Stars fans will miss Ott and do not like the fact that he was traded, but like Ribeiro, he was a part of the core that has missed the playoffs the last four years so changes needed to be made here. I even like who they acquired in Roy. He is a little smaller than Ribeiro but is as productive, not to mention he is three

Step into D-Wade’s, LeBron’s, or any of your favorite NBAers sneakers and dunk, shoot, or alley-oop ‘til your hearts content on October 2.

By Martin Iheke - miheke@gmail.com

years younger. He has one more year remaining on his current six-year contract he signed with Buffalo. He did not have a good season, last year, because of some serious injuries he suffered during the 2010-11 season. “It was a huge factor,” Roy said according to dallasnews. com. “What happened with the surgery…and then I worked really hard to get back…and then I pulled the hamstring in the summer time. I couldn’t get my training down. I’d wait a month and do therapy on my hamstring, stuff like that. But it feels great now and I can’t wait to get back on the ice and get going again,” as Roy continued.

A change of scenery might work best for Roy and benefit the Stars. If he has a good season, then the Stars will probably sign him to an extension. If not, they will let him walk in free agency after next season.

To free agency, the Stars signed two 40year olds to short-term contracts who are still productive in this league. They signed Ray Whitney away from division rival Phoenix Coyotes to a two-year deal and Jaromir Jagr to a one-year deal. I really like these moves because of the leadership and experience these guys bring not to mention they are still productive, offensively, that can help Jamie Benn and Loui Eriksson. I consider Whitney and Jagr stop-gap players because they will only be here until some of their highly-touted prospects from their farm system are ready to play in the NHL. The Stars’ plan is to compete for the playoffs, next season, while setting themselves well for the future. The offseason is still young, but so far the Stars appear to be headed on the right track.

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UFC Undisputed 3 Experience the octagon without actually having to take a roundhouse kick to the face. It’s perfect.

Just keep whispering to yourself “I’m not a wuss, I’m not a wuss. I’m not a wuss.”

Console: Windows, Wii, Wii U, Xbox 360, PS3 Rating: E

Console: PS3, Xbox 360 Rating: T

Madden 13

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 13 This game puts you in the action on 14 of the most detailed courses out there. If you get any closer to Tiger you risk getting a cold sore.

Console: PS3, Xbox 360 Rating: E

Prepare for the August 28 release date of a game that has spanned 24 years. Think about it, If the Madden game series were a kid you’d be telling it to get it’s ass out and get a job by now.

Console: Xbox 360, Wii, Wii U, PS3 Rating: E

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44 juLY 11 - 17, 2012

The Big Plunge

7

These NBA Free Agents Have Found New Homes

By Cote Bailey – @BlitzWeekly

A wise man once told me that you only leave your team for one of two reasons: for the money or for the ring. Using this guideline let’s see why these stars jumped.

1. Jason Kidd Headed to: New York The now 39-year-old New York Knick joins forces with Carmelo and Amare hoping to win his second NBA title.

2. Jeremy Lin Headed to: Houston Lin dumped a supporting role on Broadway for a staring role on a terrible team. This may be disastrous but at least he’ll make $28 million.

3.

1.

3. Ray Allen Headed to: South Beach Allen chose the chance at another ring instead of hanging out with his aging and increasing decrepit friends Paul and Kevin.

2.

4. Steve Nash Headed to: Hollywood The Canadian is placing his first NBA title bets on Kobe & Co. I can’t say I blame him. And he was willing to take less money for t=get one piece of priceless jewelry.

5. Jason Terry Headed to: Boston The Jet cashed out and left the Lone Star state for Beantown. Glad he found a younger team…

LMFAO.

4.

6. Joe Johnson Headed to: Brooklyn The Nets inaugural season in Brooklyn will have Joe and D-Will together making their title hopes pretty strong. Lucky bastards.

7. Lamar Odom Headed to: Los Angeles No not the Lakers, Lam-Lam is headed back home to rejoin his former team the Clippers. E! couldn’t be happier. Mr. Kardashian is making money again!

7.

5.

6.

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JuLY 11 - 17, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44 Photos Courtesy: Tim Gravens

Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44 juLY 11 - 17, 2012

WEAR It

Eat It

Knock on the Three Little Pigs door at Whiskey Cake. These delicious pulled pork sliders are brought out of a oven heated brick, which undoubtedly means the Big Bad Wolf finally found a way to knock down that last house.

3601 Dallas Pkwy Plano, TX 75093 (972) 993-2253 www.whiskey-cake.com

Walk on Mars…or at least grab a pair of NikeCraft Tom Sachs Mars Yard Shoes. Nike thought it would be cool to design a shoe that could handle the rugged terrain on the Martian surface. They were right. www.tomsachs.com

GO THERE

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Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly D will be fist pumpin’ at Zouk Friday 13 at 10:00pm. Be in the house as Pauly unleashes his GTL vibe all over the club. All ladies with big hair and spray tans to the front of the line. www.zoukdallas.com

They Said What

dumbest celebrity quotes ever

By Johnny Reeves - comments@blitzweekly.com

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hey are rich. They are beautiful. They are really stupid sometimes. Bask in the glory of the brain activity deprived.

Tara Reid: “I’m sounding worse than Jessica Simpson right know. She’s looking like a rock scientist”

R. Kelly: “All of the sudden, you’re like the Bin Laden of America. Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows what I’m going through.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.”

Gwyneth Paltrow: “I am convinced that by eating biological foods it is possible to avoid a tumor.”

Donald Trump: “Part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”

Britney Spears: “I get to go overseas places, like Canada!”

Nicole Richie: “When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crackhead with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you. And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes.”

Shaquille O’Neal (answering the question of whether he visited the Parthenon while in Greece): “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

Snooki (On partying too hard): “Why did I wake up in a garbage can?”

Jessica Simpson: “I’m not anorexic, I’m from Texas” Snooki: WittyGraphy Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

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JuLY 11 - 17, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44

All-star break 2012 has a familiar ring

Rangers All-Star

Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

Break

Photo Courtesy: Joseph Dowling

there’s crappier places

By Aeryn Ripley - Comments@blitzweekly.com

Other than the 2012 MLB All-Star Game, here are some of Kansas City’s other claims to fame.

Missouri Town 1855 This historic site seems like the

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At the All-Star break in 2010, the Texas Rangers had a 50-38 record after dropping their previous four games yet led the American League West division by 4.5 games on their way to losing the World Series in five games.

Last year the team entered the second half at 51-41 thanks to seven straight wins that put it one game on top of the division. Texas went back to the Fall Classic where it fell in seven games.

This season, the Rangers stand at 52-34, four games ahead of the arch-rival Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Their .604 winning percentage is the highest at this stage in team history and reflects a consistency that should make the 29 other teams jealous.

“You have to credit the coaching staff for the way they have worked with us,” said starting pitcher Derek Holland. “And the players for the way we go out and play.”

As they finish the All-Star break and prepare for the second half of 2012, here’s a look at what the Rangers have accomplished and what they need to do to finally win the ultimate prize.

Talent, results net top ranking With perhaps the most feared offensive lineup in baseball, it’s no wonder the Rangers are again among the best teams in the game. They lead the major leagues with a .280 average, 443 runs scored and 430 runs batted in.

They were the first team to win 50 games and despite a five-game losing streak last week, they have the second-best record in the major leagues.

Such success netted the Rangers the No. 1 spot in the ESPN Power Rankings for the weeks ending June 24 and July and earned them eight players on the AL All-Star team.

“This team is everything I expected plus more,” said closer Joe Nathan, an All-Star himself who joined Texas after eight years with the Minnesota Twins. “I admired what they did from the other side and seeing how they operate here, it’s first class in every way.”

The unquestioned offensive leader has been Josh Hamilton with 27 home runs (tied for first in the league), 75 runs batted in (No. 1), a .308 batting average (No. 11), .635 slugging percentage (No. 1) and 1.016 on-base/slugging percentage (No. 1). If he keeps up that pace, he’ll finish with around 50 homers and 140 RBI, numbers that likely would net him another most valuable player award and a huge contract somewhere in 2013.

But Hamilton hasn’t provided the offensive spark alone. All-Star third baseman Adrian Beltre hit .326, tied for fourth best in the league. All-Star reserve second baseman Ian Kinsler tops the league with 63 runs scored and is tied for third with 26 doubles. All-Star reserve shortstop Elvis

By Mark Miller – mmiller@blitzweekly.com

Andrus shares the lead for triples with five while hitting .293.

Injuries have taken a big toll on the pitching staff (see more detail below) but thanks to starters Matt Harrison and Yu Darvish and Nathan and some other relievers, the team has held its own.

What is needed by trade deadline?

Most important, get back to full strength, which could happen this month. The Rangers have had eight players on the disabled list including three of their five opening-day starters, Colby Lewis, Derek Holland and Neftali Feliz.

The pitchers taking their place – Scott Feldman, Justin Grimm and Roy Oswalt – have been inconsistent. Feldman failed to get past six innings and won just two of his 10 starts overall and two of eight after taking over for Feliz, but pitched well his final two games, earning the win Sunday in relief. Grimm gave up three earned run in six innings with no walks and seven strikeouts in his debut but yielded six runs in one inning with a walk and no strikeouts nine days later. Oswalt is 2-1 with a 6.26 ERA in four starts, two good, two not so good.

Fortunately Harrison and Darvish have been outstanding throughout to earn All-Star berths with Harrison winning all five of his June starts to be named AL Pitcher of the Month.

The bullpen has fared respectively despite injuries to Alexi Ogando, Koji Uehara, Yoshinori Tateyama and Mark Lowe. One major reason is rookie left-hander Robbie Ross, who has a 6-0 record with a 0.96 ERA, the latter the lowest through the All-Star break in the history of the AllStar Game.

“He’s done a great job for us,” said Manager Ron Washington. “He has so much poise and keeps pounding the strike zone.”

Meanwhile right-hander Mike Adams is 1-3, 3.07 and Nathan is 1-2, 1.73 and hasn’t blown a save since April 11.

“Even though we lost some starters and relievers, the guys called up have been doing a good job,” said outfielder Nelson Cruz.

“After everything we’ve had to endure with the injuries being able to carry ourselves the way we have has been huge,” Holland said. “We seem to find ways to get a win.”

First baseman Mitch Moreland has been the only offensive player to miss more than a few games but his absence has forced the Rangers to go with one less left-handed batter against righthanded pitchers. They are 8-6 in the 14 games he’s missed so far.

“It’s a different team but the same concept,” said Moreland. “I can’t say enough about the personnel on this team. We have a common goal every day of playing as hard as we can and

progressive farming community that it was in the mid 1800s. Kids, get ready to cobble shoes and tend to your goats.

Just Off Broadway Theatre Yeah, just 1,195 miles off Broadway.

Kansas City Zoo Ranked number one as the Zoo You Would Most Likely Wind Up Going to Because the Kids are Aggravating You and the GPS is Broken.

It’s a pretty prestigious award.

The Oregon Trail Awesome I love this game…oh you mean the real Oregon Trail…oh.

Hallmark Cards Visitors Center I wonder if the people who have a card for everything have one for sorry I took you to the crappiest vacation destination ever? Hmmm…

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“After everything we’ve had to endure with the injuries being able to carry ourselves the way we have has been huge”

Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

trying to win. We’ve been better each year and enjoyed some success.”

Upcoming Schedule 7/11 All-Star Break 7/12 All-Star Break 7/13 @MARINERS 9:10 p.m.

7/14 @MARINERS 8:10 p.m.

7/15 @MARINERS 3:10 p.m.

7/17 @A’s 9:07 p.m.

Photo Courtesy: Darryl Briggs

West Coast trip ahead After four straight weekends at home and following two more days off for the All-Star break, the Rangers return to action Friday in Seattle with the first of an eight-game West Coast trip.

Following the three weekend games, they move to Oakland for two games against the A’s and three at the Angels.

“We think we’re in good shape,” Cruz said.

“We have to get our energy from the break and start fresh.”

“I feel pretty good about my team,” Washington said. “Yes, we’ve sputtered a bit lately but I feel pretty good about the team.”

NO more playing around the all-star game carries big ramifications

By C.J. Gardner, Jr. - cjgardner80@ou.edu

The 2012 MLB All-Star Game decided which league would have home field advantage come the World Series in October.

Baseball spectators have one question that they are asking about the MLB All-Star game.

Should an exhibition decide home field advantage in the World Series?

MLB is the only league that has this rule in place where the winning league of the AllStar game gets home field advantage in their championship series. This rule was enacted because of the 2002 All-Star game. The game went to 11 innings and both teams had run out of pitchers. Bud Selig then decided to end the game in a 7-7 tie. Fan reaction was negative to this result and Bud Selig and Major League Baseball decided after the 2002 All-Star game to change the rules. The All-Star game deciding home field was to make sure the MLB All-Star game mattered and never ended in a tie again.

This rule started being used in the 2003 AllStar game and was made a permanent rule after 2006. The American League won the first seven All-Star games and the National league has won the last two All-Star games since then.

The team with home field advantage has won the past three World Series Home and away records for every sport are drastically different as most teams have a better record at home than they do playing away and baseball is no different. From 2006 to 2010 home teams had a winning percentage of .559 at home. In contrast, during that same period, baseball teams had a .449 winning percentage when playing away from home.

It is unfair to the players that a game in which fans get to choose the starters can determine who has home field in the World Series. There are others ways MLB could decide who gets

Are Rangers better than last year?

Yes. Their 52 wins equals a team best at the AllStar break set in 1979 and statistically, this year’s Rangers are near or better than any previous group in several other categories. Their 670 strikeouts is tops and 3.72 earned run average the best at the break since the club-record 3.10 in 1983.

Another place the Rangers have improved over 2011 is in the field. Where they were near the bottom in AL fielding a year ago, they are in the middle so far in 2012.

The Rangers also are a huge hit at home.

They already have drawn nearly two million fans to Rangers Ballpark in Arlington, second to Philadelphia in the majors. They have played before a record 27 full houses and are on pace to draw three million for the first time.

“What can you say negatively about this place?

Nothing,” Nathan said. “The fans come out in the heat, in the rain, whatever they throw at you.

There’s 40,000 every night who really support us.”

home field rather than the winner of the All-Star game.

The obvious one would be which of the World Series teams has the better record in the regular season. Even deciding the team who has home field by the league who had a better record in interleague play would be a better way to decide it than using the exhibition to decide which league has home field advantage in the World Series.

If Major League Baseball is to keep the Midsummer Classic as the decider for which league gets home field advantage in the World Series, they need to change how players are selected to play in the game. The fans get to vote on the starters for each league, which would be okay if they game was just an exhibition, but as it now matters, they should change the selection process. It is more a popularity contest rather than which players actually deserve it based on their season’s performance.

Another thing about the All-Star game is that every team in MLB must be represented in the game, which means that a player on the Astros or the Mariners could decide which league gets home field advantage. That is not fair to the teams in the playoffs who play well in the regular season and make it to the World Series and then lose out on home field advantage, just because someone on a non-playoff team made their league lose an exhibition game.

I enjoy watching the All-Star game and the festivities that go with it, but from a fairness aspect, the All-Star game should be kept an exhibition, or MLB should change how the teams are made up if they want to make the All-Star game possibly decide who wins the World Series.

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JuLY 11 - 17, 2012

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44

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See more of Brenda and others at Blitzweekly.com Photographer: Korin from UrbanJunglePhotography Make-Up Artist: Shally Chand from Kismat Kreations Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Brenda

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44 juLY 11 - 17, 2012

Bread winners Cafe and Bakery No Losers Here Photos Courtesy: MRL Ventures

By Blake Zipoy - bzipoy@hotmail.com

Bread Winners Multiple Area Locations www.breadwinnerscafe.com When you think “Bread Winners,” most people think sandwiches and lunchtime. But the truth is, in addition to some pretty unique combinations on their sandwich aisle, Bread Winners Café and Bakery offers some great choices for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

ATMOSPHERE The restaurant is what I would call trendy “shabby chic.” It is almost as if they tried to combine French bistro with an English pub. The bar and booths

are solid, dark hardwood similar to any bar in Liverpool. Heck, the European soccer tournament was on the television over the bar. But when you survey the rest of the location, the walls are adorned with colorful paintings complete with a wine bottle chandelier suspended over the center of the dining area. Probably one of the coolest things about my visit was the place setting. Believe it or not, but my fork and knife were magnetized.

The ends actually are attracted and join together.

No kidding.

As far as service, it took a little while for our waitress to show up at the table, but once she did appear, things got rolling. I was very surprised how quickly we got our food delivered. This is a must, especially if you are watching the clock because you ducked out for a quick bite.

FOOD I visited Bread Winners with a buddy from work.

Right off the bat, they place a plate with samples of their breads in the middle of the table. The ginger bread was awesome, but the raspberry bread got my vote.

Now, I am a big fan of breakfast any time of day, so as tempting as the sandwich and other lunch menu items looked, I went with Leo’s Favorite scrambler. Good choice. This dish is as good as it is jumbled. They take turkey, ham, onions, tomatoes, cheese and scramble them all in light egg mix. To top it off, they add just the right amount of Hollandaise sauce over the entire concoction without drowning it in sauce.

The scramble comes with a side of breakfast potatoes, which were, to be honest, the weakest part of the meal when compared to the main dish.

13

My buddy ordered the artichoke chicken melt.

This was quite a sandwich. They take tomato basil bread, layer artichoke mayo and tender chicken across both slices, served open faced. They then add artichoke hearts, onions and smother the whole thing in Monterey Jack cheese. There is no way you are picking this thing up and eating it with your hands. According to my lunch companion, the entire sandwich all came together just right, with no one flavor overshadowing the other, including the artichoke. One extra treat were the homemade potato chips that came with the meal.

I had to steal one by distracting my buddy with the classic “what’s that?” I cannot believe it worked, but the chips are lightly fried and put any chip you would find in a tube or grocery shelf to shame. As my friend so eloquently put it, “if you can make your own potato chips this good, you know you are at the right place.” He was so right.

BLITZ-WORTHY Bread Winners earned a very happy dude rating, mainly because the food was so different. One thing I noticed on the marquee was a dinner special that I have got to return and try. They have a turkey and sweet potato meat loaf. Not something I would have imagined together to create an American staple, but that is what you should expect from Bread Winners Café and Bakery. Each meal is a real winner.

What to eat: Ginger bread, Leo’s Favorite Scramble, Rice Krispy Treats on a stick and Sweet Potato Meat Loaf Who eats there: Business professionals, casual diners, and food yuppie

Guide To Cologne’

By Patricia Rigby - @BlitzWeekly

G

A BLITZ WEEKLY PRODUCTION

uys it’s time to grow out of the “double pits to chesty” phase in life and start smelling like a man – an employed man who doesn’t have Metallica posters on his wall.

Odin No. 6 I don’t know about the first five Odins but one whiff of this one will get the ladies percolating. $110 for 3.3 fl. Oz.

Bond No. 9 New York Amber Expensive, sophisticated and bold; the anti-Old Spice. $330 fl. Oz. Ben Sherman It’s the perfect fragrance for d a y - t o - d a y office use. I smell a promotion or a little quality time on top of the copy machine…or both.

L’Eau d’Issey Pour Homme Gold Absolute Sure it’s a mouthful to try to order, but I bet you get the Sales Associate’s phone number after you do because she’ll assume you speak French.

Well at least I fell for it. $79 for 3.3 fl. Oz. F By Ferragamo Salvatore’s scent will make you the object of affection for anyone with a nose in your vicinity. $75 for 3.4 fl. Oz.

Tom Ford Neroli Portofino It can’t hurt your chances with the ladies to wear the same scent as the most stylish man in the universe. $265 for 3.3 fl. Oz. Yves Saint Laurent L’Homme Gingembre

YSL represents everything in the world that is fashionable.

This cologne will make you the best smelling guy at Hooters hands down. $72 for 3.3 fl.

Oz.

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44

HIGH EXPECTATIONS How the Counterculture is Clouding the Minds of the Mainstream

By Charles Roberts - @BlitzWeekly

M

Photo Courtesy: CeleBuzz

arijuana use has been a part of the fabric of our society for what seems like forever, but a few new individuals are attempting to bring the counter culture to the mainstream in a big way.

In a way it’s nothing new. Sure guys like Willy Nelson, Snoop Dogg and Method Man have always been advocates of pot/weed/sticky icky and have built legendary careers with the help of the magical green leaf, but all three of these guys’ careers had peaked long before the dawn of the internet and the world becoming a much smaller and more easily influenced place thanks to Facebook, Twitter, Skype, blogs, and YouTube.

The 21st Century pot smoking pop star has the world as his or her stage. Get ready to inhale.

The Stoner Kid Hip-hop’s favorite stoner of the moment is without a doubt the extremely talented Wiz Khalifa. And believe Wiz likes his weed, naming his latest

Photo Courtesy: Mikael Jansson

album Rolling Papers and past a previous mixtape Kush (a strain of Cannabis indica) & Orange Juice. Wiz is such an outstanding member of the bud community that last year Cannapedia, the Wikipedia of Cannabis, awarded him his very own strain of weed adeptly named “Wiz Khalifa Kush.” Being a two-time Grammy nominee and a Billboard Music Award winner has given Wiz the time and money to be able to travel all around the world and indulge in his favorite pastime. But when asked where he finds the best stuff Wiz let the world know “Cali has the best weed ever.”

Schwarzenegger must be proud.

Island Groovin’ The new princess of pop Rihanna also is not shy about her affinity for the greenery. The chart topping diva is regularly caught by paparazzi getting in touch with her inner Bob Marley. She is even known to Tweet out pictures of herself enjoying the ganja, which surprisingly hasn’t stopped NIVEA, Armani, Cover Girl or Vita Coco from being the face of their brands. Well you

know what they say, “Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.”

Vampires Smoke Pot Too Although she has yet to drop an album, Twilight star Kristen Stewart can sure fill a bowl. The A-List actress has often made light of her Cheech & Chong comparisons saying, “I’m kind of a weirdo, creative Valley Girl who smokes pot… Big deal.”

You would think since vampires smoke pot they would be a lot more laid back.

Weed Makes Them Dance Boy band alumnus Justin Timberlake told Playboy magazine in 2011 that he “absolutely” smokes weed and added, “Sometimes I have a brain that needs to be turned off…some people are just better high.” Ok JT that may be true but then again Charles Manson was higher than a space satellite and he’s bat sh*t crazy. Lady Gaga also weighed in on the weed debate on 60 Minutes saying that “I smoke a lot of pot when I write music.” Thank God no kids listen to her…oh wait.

Art spotlight

Levels of Identity: An Interview with Papercut Artist Beatrice Coron

F

rench-born artist Beatrice Coron uses a simple two-dimensional material to portray three-dimensional elements of the human experience. With an X-ecto knife, she sculpts stories in paper, creating elaborate, fantastical worlds meant to explore our identities as individuals. “We have our roots,” she explained at a recent event she spoke at hosted by the Dallas Museum of Art, “we make our connections, and we take them [with us] to other places”. She asserts that her work is meant to be viewed fresh by each individual viewer, based on our personal experiences.

She sees her art, and the venues through which it is displayed, as being instrumental in allowing for this personal experience.

“When a piece can hang,” for Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

By Mateeka Lanee’ - Mateekalanee.wordpress.com

By Mateeka Lanee’ – Mateekalanee.wordpress.com instance, “you can go in the back of it, and [be able to] explore the different layers of identity we have in the world: mortal levels, our education levels”, and everything else that makes us unique in the world. Her work often displays scenes in a realtime way, showing movement, action, and vibrancy, and often incorporates lyrics and multimedia concepts.

Coron sees her work, which often portrays scenes of life in the area of New York City in which she lives, as appearing in her mind long before it comes out of the paper, and views her material like that of the sculptor, in which the image is buried within,

and all she must do is cut it out. “Sometimes I start with a world [in my head] and I explore what it can be after”, she says. This is true regardless of the vessel through which the story is told, and Corn has worked with many: paper, metal, hard stock, and even glass.

Her work has been featured publicly, on subways in the Bronx, as part of housing developments and public offices, as well as through artist books and traditional media. She has also created fashion pieces, designed weddings, and worked with corporations worldwide. Currently, she is looking to work in mixed media, and her interests especially include interactive art.

More of Beatrice Coron’s mesmerizing work can be found on her website, beatricecoron. com.

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Hottest Superheroines in film

By Aeryn Ripley– @BlitzWeekly

Kris Humphries – May be the newest member of the Baby Daddy Club. Hump’s mistress/ex-girlfriend/ thorn in his side, Myla Sinanaj claims to be three months pregnant with a future NBA player. Myla says she plans to raise the child alone but of course with plenty of Kris’ child support money.

By Cote Bailey — comments@blitzweeky.com With Batman, Spider-Man, and the heavily male Avengers hogging the box office it’s easy to forget all the beautiful superheroines that once reigned supreme. Blitz Weekly will help you to remember. But these women aren’t just beautiful; they can totally kick your ass.

Fantastic Four (2005) Jessica Alba This was one Invisible Woman that everyone wanted to see.

Æon Flux (2005) Charlize Theron Other than Charlize this was one Fluxed up movie.

Howie Mandel – Had a germaphobe’s nightmare last week when he had to call the police on a couple that had sex in his bathroom.

The two frisky guests were there for Mandel’s 4th of July party. Word is Mandel is still Germ X’ing the place.

Jillian Michaels – Is the weight loss queen for a reason because last week she shed roughly 2,000 pounds when a burglar ran off with her Bentley. The crook was eventually caught, but not before crashing her pricey ride into a light poll. Geico was pissed.

Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D (2010) Milla Jovovich Electra (2005) Jennifer Garner Shockingly sexy

One decade after the first Spider-man movie hit theaters, audiences are treated to a reboot of the wall-crawler. Many may be a bit peeved at the idea of a fresh start for the series instead of a continuation, but rest assured, The Amazing Spider-man is an entertaining and heart-felt film that captures the character of Peter Parker and brings him into a new light.

Director Marc Webb was an interesting, yet slightly strange choice for this film. With one film under his belt (the indie romantic comedy (500) Days of Summer), Webb had fans worried about the direction and tone of the movie. It turns out that he was fit for the position; for the director adds some much needed character and style to the Spider-man franchise. Webb allows Peter

Parker to grow into his role as a superhero, highlighting his relationships, personality, tragedies, and motivations.

Andrew Garfield takes on the role of Peter Parker/Spider-man. The British actor does a fine job with the awkward nerd shtick, but he adds an emotional depth to the character that was absent in the Raimi films. Emma Stone plays Gwen Stacy, Peter’s classmate and love interest. Stone clearly has fun with the role, making Gwen smart, fun, and somewhat playful. Rhys Ifans portrays the scientist-turned-monster Dr. Curt Connors, while Dennis Leary, Sally Field, and Martin Sheen round out the cast.

Of course, this would not be a Spider-man

By Ethan Harmon - blackstar4556@gmail.com film without tons of web-slinging action, right? film. Watching Spider-man knock around thugs Well, this movie delivers just that during the third is fun, but watching Peter Parker learn how to use act. It’s Spider-man vs. his powers, deal with his relationships, and try to the NYPD, Spider-man vs. be the superhero we all know and love is what street thugs, and Spider- separates this from the first trilogy. man vs. the Lizard, all The Amazing Spider-man is, well, amazing. complete with acrobatic Marc Webb has made a Spider-man that fight sequences. But the audiences can connect with. Having a stellar thing that stands out cast that play their parts perfectly help make this about this movie is not Spider-venture enjoyable, fun, and meaningful. the action. The brief One piece of advice: do not spend the extra character moments really four dollars on 3D. There are some decent 3D make this movie shine moments sprinkled throughout, but nothing that – the scene with Peter justifies the price. See it in a regular theater, buy attempting to ask out popcorn and a drink, bring a friend, and enjoy.

Gwen is one of the best in

MovieReview of The amazing spider-man

Alice is the sexiest contagion carrier we’ve ever seen.

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AuTOReview: 2012 Mitsubishi i-MiEv When It Doesn’t Have to be Pretty

Photos Courtesy: Chrysler Group LLC

By David Goodspeed - dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com up the A/C and other appliances as well.

I did find it odd a vehicle this sophisticated still utilizes a traditional ignition key with lock/ unlock/vehicle alarm functions on a separate keyfob from the remote Mitsubishi supplies to monitor and control charging functions. On a positive note, owner’s can set their vehicles to run the climate control system while hooked to the “shore line” thereby not taxing the battery as much once you disconnect and drive off.

Pricing begins at just under $30,000 for the base ES model with our SE tester coming in with a sticker of $34,920. The automaker uses the $7,500 tax credit the i-MiEV qualifies for in its pricing of the vehicle but that is nonsense. The car will cost you the full sticker price – the tax credit is not a rebate and is not a guaranteed dollar-for-dollar return.

M

y knowledge of and experience in electric vehicles has grown exponentially this past weekend as I spent time with the new all-electric entry from Mitsubishi – the 2012 i-MiEV. Mitsubishi would like the world to simply call the little EV “i” but since even its own paperwork and fender badging utilizes the “MiEV” (Mitsubishi Electric Vehicle) nomenclature I am sticking with it as well.

The automaker has been testing the MiEV for a few years with this 2012 model being its first full production unit. Availability is still a bit limited but consumers nationwide should be able to get one by the end of the year.

Mitsubishi has chosen to go the all-electric route for its EV entry meaning, once the juice is gone, it’s gone – as in “Call-the-auto-club-gone” ‘cause you’re stuck on the side of the road.

This made for interesting discussions with my spouse over where to take the vehicle over the weekend. Saturday we wanted to visit a couple of wineries two cities apart.

Nope, they are separated by about 33 miles of highway and we reside several miles south of

According to the EV side-by-side comparison chart, the Mitsubishi has the smallest motor and shortest operating range of the current breed of all-electrics yet returns the highest fuel economy equivalent and costs the least to operate with figures based on annual driving range of 15,000 miles.

The current gang of EVs are not perfect but they are pioneers in the segment. Automakers will learn much from feedback from customers and from continuous testing and evaluation.

I think of these more as rolling research and development labs than full-use modes of transportation. They will fill the needs of quite a few consumers but still have a way to go to satisfy the needs of the many.

the midway point between them so a round trip would consist of at least 70 miles – not gonna happen. The i-MiEV has a real-world range of approximately 62 miles and with the temps soaring well into the 90s here we would require use of the A/C so our actual operating range would be even more depleted.

OK, no wineries over the weekend but we can go to breakfast at one of our favorite little places – so long as we head right back with no side trips so that we can plug our car back in.

Top speed for i-MiEV is 80 mph – it takes a little while to get there and won’t go any higher.

Low-end performance around town is good as electric excel in this category due to the high torque exhibited by the motors.

There are three driving modes: Normal, Eco, and Braking. The adjusted EV fuel economy rating for the Mitsubishi is 112 MPGe with an annual average fuel cost of $550 (all electricity of course). Users can pre-program the i-MiEV to only charge during off-peak hours at home thereby saving owners a bit of money and not taxing the electric grid during peak times such as arriving home when most folks are also cranking WTHR Have an iPhone? Think Apple’s weather system sucks? Well here you go. WTHR is here to make your handheld weather predictions awesome.

This app gives you the up to the minute local weather, a seven-day forecast, and even lets you choose between Fahrenheit or Celsius.

Makes you almost hope for hurricanes…almost. ($1)

Rockwell Versacut Saw Take this mini-saw and do mighty things! It’s powered by a 4.0 amp motor and can go where big saws can’t and it takes its depth indicator and three included blades with it. Cut wood, aluminum, and PVC down to size and a built in laser guide makes sure you stay on point. Tell Bob Vila to kiss your a*s. ($120)

Polaroid z2300 Instant Digital Camera Wow it only took Polaroid like 10 years to figure out how to stay relevant in the digital age. They’ve finally developed an instant digital camera so you can have tangible memories of that drunken frat orgy that you were a part of, yay! It gives you both digital pics and a 2x3 smudge-proof print with a sticky back. ($160) Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44 juLY 11 - 17, 2012

Q: What did the blonde’s mom say to her before the blonde’s date?

A: If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.

Q: What is better than a cold Bud? A: A warm bush!

Q: Why do women wear black underwear?

A: They’re mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

The Emotional Horse One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, “If you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night”.

So he says “ok” and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says “if you can make that horse over there cry I will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says, “To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger d!ck than he does and to make him cry I showed him.”

Cancer June 22 – July 22 The good news is... wait; there isn’t any good news. After getting hit by a comet and surviving as a vegetable, you will develop amnesia and sleep with your father, only to find he actually quite liked it.

Leo July 23 – August 22 You’re always putting things off. That’s why you’ll never make anything of yourself. Impetuousness is your main fault, these days, and you don’t even seem to realize it.

Virgo August 23 – September 22 The neighbor’s dog is out to get you.

Your neighbors next-door are actually federal agents and have been watching

17

Blitz Funnys

WHAT ARE THE ODDS HERE? Bob Russell never gave up. In 1968, he paid a friend $3,000 for his 1967 Austin Healy 300 sports car; then had it stolen outside a Philadelphia apartment the night after taking his “wife to be” on their second date.

After that, Russell, now 66, never gave up hope of finding it. And he did...

42 years later. In the beginning all he could do was constantly look along roadways while driving. But computers changed all that. After searching the internet for a decade, Russell found his car for sale online at a California dealership.

your every move. That explains everything, right?

Libra September 23 – October 22 You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting it at peers. Tell them to shut their pie holes and get back to work.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 This weekend brings an excellent opportunity to get drunk and humiliate yourself. YouTube awaits…

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 You’re feeling stressed out, that’s a given. Perhaps this month we should focus on your other qualities and interests if you had any.

A WRONG NUMBER COMPLAINT Drug needy Sandra Davis, of Rowan County, South Carolina, accidently called Sheriff’s Deputy Jagger Naves (four times) to complain, “This ain’t even a $10. You need to make this right.”

According to the Salisbury Post, after the lawman agreed to meet Ms. Davis, and made an arrest, while checking her cell phone directory he found a number one digit different from his person phone.

HIS REALITY NOT A PROBLEM David Price, of Orange County, Florida, may have been broke and homeless, but often he lived the “good life” staying at fine hotels, especially enjoying their fancy cuisines. Station WTFV reported he’d wait for guests to take their bags, then sneak into the suite, before calling the front desk to extend “their stay.” After that, Price would charge everything possible from the room for up to ten days.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You have a vivid imagination and often think the CIA or FBI is following you.

Paranoia has often gotten the better of you, in the past, but the past is exactly what it says it is: In the past.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 You will spend all of your money on quack doctors and strange medical treatments. You will continue on in your meaningless existence.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 Have you kept up to date with the human sacrifices? You FINALLY realize that your lifetime goal of destroying the world is self-defeating.

ACROSS 1. Decrease 6. Cover with asphalt 10. To castaside (archaic) 14. Craze 15. Among 16. Bright thought 17. Kirk’s starship 19. Auctioned 20. Sewing tool 21. Cacophony 22. Double-reed woodwind 23. It makes dough rise 25. Inclination 26. Historical periods 30. Impassive 32. Hanging platform 35. Rats 39. Clothing 40. Lasso 41. Hopelessness 43. Lively tempo 44. Threaded

46. Sailing ship 47. Tablet 50. Tiny balls strung together 53. Equal 54. Record (abbrev.)

55. Narcotic 60. Unusual 61. To a complete degree 63. Largest continent 64. Smack 65. Fruit of the oaktree 66. Not us 67. Male deer 68. Verse

Aries March 21 – April 19 People like you because you are bisexual. Your week will go from crap to TOTAL crap. You lack confidence and are generally a coward.

Taurus April 20 – May 20 When you wake up, you will discover that your daughter’s ugly spouse has stolen all of your money, that your ability to wash your clothes is gone, and that dinner is burning.

Gemini May 21 – June 21 You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Damn the luck!

DOWN 1. Ends a prayer 2. Curse 3. Initial wager 4. Fastened 5. Not late 6. Average 7. Among 8. Guest 9. Biblical garden 10. Disarrayed 11. Pueblo brick 12. Criminal 13. Washed-out 18. P 24. Donkey 25. Related to tides 26. Quaint outburst 27. Be worthy of 28. Anagram of “Salt” 29. Backwash 31. Take it easy 33. Give a speech 34. Small dam

36. Near 37. Tropical tuber 38. Put away 42. German measles 43.

Ottoman officer 45. Ambrosia 47. Small fatty European fish 48. Tether 49. Eagle’s nest 51. Man’s best friend 52. Lance 54. Impetuous 56. Skin irritation 57. Greeting at sea 58. School session 59. Sea eagle 62. Choose

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VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44

The CLOSER

The

AnsweR GUY Snake Dog IPA Brewed by: Flying Dog Brewery ABV: 7.10% This brew pours a nice amber color with a hint of orangeish tint. Head fades quickly without much lacing. It possesses a strong sweet and fruity scent with some malt. Initial bitter taste is strong but subsides quickly.

Hops are definitely present. It is medium bodied with moderate carbonation. It’s a solid IPA on all accounts.

Don Diego Grande Wrapper: Connecticut Binder: Dominican Republic Filler: Dominican Republic Strength: Mild-Medium This is a nice “intro” smoke since it is on the mild side. It has a nice dark brown color wrapper and is light on the veins. Not very oily.

The Grande has a tight initial draw.

The tobacco flavor is consistent with hints of chocolate and maple aroma. There’s no burn to the throat and the flavor doesn’t last.

It’s well constructed and worth a try for beginners.

Mojito Ingredients: 2 oz Light Rum 1/2 a Lime Juice 1 tsp. of Superfine Sugar Crushed Ice Mint Leaves Mixing Instructions: Pour rum into a medium sized glass. Squeeze juice of 1/2 lime into the glass. Add sugar and stir to dissolve. Add crushed ice and garnish with mint leaves.

with Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur,

I believe I just endured the most embarrassing situation possible.

Recently my girlfriend and I went to a backyard pool party and I didn’t bring my trunks so I borrowed an extra pair from my buddy. Well he’s a bit larger than me so when I jumped into the water and came back up I was minus a pair of trunks. The whole party saw that I came up a bit short in a certain department. I was humiliated and my girlfriend looked mortified when all the other girls at the party were pointing and snickering. What can I do?

Signed, Victor Vienna

Dear Victor, What you shouldn’t do in a case like this is take it too seriously. We all have those embarrassing stories that our friends and family love to mention at awkward moments, the web series The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl is full of them. This is yours!

Companies are making millions of dollars each year by selling erectile enlargement and dysfunction pills. Why? Because guys like you are feeling embarrassed or insecure about the size of their man parts.

There is a reason why ONLY THE GIRLS were pointing and snickering, because all of the MEN present know the unholy truth! A truth that is only whispered about within hushed silence. That TRUTH is that the size of the male penis is on average around six inches, or less. I once heard a radio promo where the caller stated that sometimes his penis looks like his little brothers. That’s not a good thing bro, however it’s REALITY! Women have been arguing for eons about whether or not the size of a man’s penis matters. Men rarely discuss this, however they SHOULD. Let’s consider this the first discussion!

Krista Medlock How You Know Her: The brand developer extraordinaire has one of the sharpest minds in the industry. And as she prepares for her biggest undertaking yet, The Weekender Dallas, Blitz Weekly catches up with the rising star.

How did you get started in brand development?

I was actually going to school for psychology and I ending up meeting a woman who mentored me and she showed me that it wasn’t the right career path for me. I added advertising [to my course of study] and I did a couple internships. I ended up doing an internship for Pro-Line and worked with the brand management team over there helping them launch the hair care line. I fell into my career and it has been very fruitful for me. I have been in brand development for more than 12 years.

How did the Weekender Dallas come about?

I work with a lot of luxury and high-end brands and I go to all the major beauty shows and there wasn’t really anything that catered that high-end luxury market that was direct to consumer. So, I decided to throw an idea on the wall and create a concept that was very different to Dallas.

What does The Weekender Dallas add to the city?

There’s a lot happening in Dallas in the beauty, fashion and art world. Dallas is really becoming a focal point and a development hub for many beauty brands, fashion designers, and art. If you look at the Fashionistas and all the things that are happening with the independent designers there is so much ingenuity. Then we have the artist’s world and we are starting to see more galleries pop up, more art oriented events.

There are more beauty companies now.

People in Dallas are wanting to launch some major lines: Jack Black, Hard Night Good Moring, and [c.Booth]. Dallas is becoming the new New York.

Read the rest of the interview at BlitzWeekly.com

Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

VOL. 4 - ISSUE 44 juLY 11 - 17, 2012

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