The Wrangler November 2009 Edition Roman Numeral One
Summit on Dragonball Z postponed indefinitely
NATIONAL CAPS-LOCK -ON-DAY APPROACHING
Faculty yoga combines with faculty fight club
Students decide science has best department chair, cite ability to elevate, oscillate
Candy bar purchased from that vending machine you thought was out of order
New immersion trip planned to Central High School
Government unable to put healthcare bill online, Lenox suggests conversion to PDF
College Board: “about ready” to take over the world
Everything in The Roundup “sparks debate”
By Bill McDonald ‟12
POLL: Recent reports indicate an increase in the number of underclassmen sneaking into the senior line at lunch. What do YOU think should be done? 48%: Prompt defenestration 24%: Lifetime sentence of JUG with no chance of parole 21%: Rehabilitation via forced active reading of student handbook section regarding student integrity 7%: Congratulations for their firm grasp of a fundamental life lesson
YOUR AD HERE* Fortune cookies show that our readers are likely to believe everything they read, including your exaggerated, fine-print-filled advertisement. Also, we know somebody who has one of those annoyingly effective airplanes to fly your ad around. *some restrictions apply.
Printed on recycled Roundups
Mr. Ryan’s Approval Rating Dips to 100% By Anil Prasad ‟11 In a recent poll conducted by a student in Ms. Clarke‟s 4th period Forensics class, Principal Robert E. Ryan III‟s approval rating was re-assessed to 100%. Historically, Ryan has held a solid 100% approval rating, but this vote closed at 299 “fully approve” and 1 “present”. “Never before has someone expressed doubt over his ability to do everything perfectly right every time, all the time,” said a source close to Ryan. “It‟s beyond me how this could happen.” Upon release of the poll (it was reported casually forwarded in an email by Clarke to other faculty members, as commonly practiced) the campus erupted in an effort to pinpoint the exact issue that brought down “the boss”. Many have tried in vain to find some kind of weakness in Mr. Ryan’s body armor of sheer expertise and principality; has this catastrophe finally revealed a chink in the armor?
Mr. Ryan’s unconfirmed opponent for re-election, Mr. Buchanan, refused to comment on the issue. Sources at the lunch line reported
that Buchanan merely laughed at another joke about him secretly controlling the entire school, or doing so in the future. Students remain optimistic about their principal.“BOB RYAN IS CHILLLLLIIIN,” a student posted on his Facebook. There have also been complaints that the entire integrity of the poll is at stake because the student who voted “present” was a freshman. Many in the community refuse to believe that the deviant vote was legitimate. The Covert Politics Club has pledged to lead an investigation into the possibility that the government planted the freshman. “The government was threatened by Kennedy and now they are clearly trying to depose Bob Ryan, a man equally determined and skilled,” stated moderator Mr. Lane McShane ’82.
Photos by Michael Notestine ’11
Glosser Awarded Honorary Alumni Status “’83” By Keith Bender ‟11 Alumni director Tiffany Tifani confirmed yesterday that Assistant Principal for Student Activities Mr. Jeff Glosser had been awarded an honorary alumni status. Glosser, who graduated from St. Ignatius College Prep in San Francisco as a member of the class of 1983, will now be referred to in the Brophy community as Mr. Jeff Glosser ’83.
Brophy College Preparatory downright awesome makes him a natural choice to receive an apostrophe followed by two numbers after his name,” said Tifani at a press conference.
and a Jesuit, Tifani responded “I got this invitation in the mail that she‟d have to ask the Jes- today for a „Grand Reunion‟. uit-Alumni director. Oh, and since I work here, there‟s a new option this year The 1983 senior portrait mon- to divert a portion of my salary tage that hangs in Brophy Hall straight to the Alumni Camis currently undergoing editing paign! They sure have some “It‟s kind of like being a Jesuit. to include a portrait of Glosser. great alumni perks here.” If you‟re a Jesuit, you get the „SJ‟. If you‟re an alumnus, you “It‟s a wonderful honor for me School president Fr. Eddie get the apostrophe and digits,” to receive honorary alumni Reese, SJ ’66 was not availstatus,” wrote Glosser in an able for comment. she added. email sent to all students at “Jeff‟s commitment to making a When asked what would hap- 11:54pm. Glosser hopes to meet student‟s experience here at pen if one was both an alumni his classmates from 1983 soon.
Heideman signs contract extension, stipulates leading Kairos 212 By Tucker Ring ‟11 On Monday, varsity football linebackers coach Mr. Scott Heideman and Fr. Eddie Reese, SJ agreed to a 21.2 year, $212, 212, 212 contract extension after months of heated negotiations.
once he knew he had a shot at being alive when Kairos 212 left for Manresa. “Honestly, this is my life‟s greatest goal. I wasn‟t made to do anything else,” said Heideman.
“I think the compromise reached here today will help this football program and Fr. Reese, the chief negotiator, was very this school move forward in a positive relieved to be done with the contract direction,” said Heideman. meetings: “We had 212 contract discussion meetings, but I had to finalize someThe deal, which includes an option that thing. He really does go that extra deallows him to teach 212 semesters of gree.” health class, was finally reached at 2:12 p.m. Mountain Standard Time. Heide- When asked about all the “212” referman, known for his uplifting speeches ences in his contract negotiations, Heidebased from the motivational book 212º, man replied, “I did not notice. And it‟s „Coach‟. Give me twenty.” says he only began to work at Brophy
Photo by Michael Notestine ’11
News in Briefs
Real. Comfortable. News.
Pa Sp co ea Co ke x N rA o w n-N ar d ati W ve in ne r
Mr. Heideman ensures that if you are going to be disobedient, you will at least be fit.
Welcome to the Other Side
Weather for November
Intramural Handball Swinging Fully
Staff meteorologist: Darryl Monteilh ’11
By Kris Venezia ‟11 As winter slowly approaches, there is but one sport on everyone's mind: Handball. Legend has it that Lewis and Clark took a wrong turn, venturing into the spot where Robson Gym presently stands. It was here that Sacagawea grabbed a small spherical object and threw it into a goal (without stepping over the three point line). Students and faculty alike are enjoying another winter of participation in this unique celebration of Brophy‟s heritage. This season, twenty-two teams
and Mr. Woods compete for the most sought-after prize in all recreational sports: gray Brophy Tshirts. Students traditionally sacrifice everything from attending Key Club meetings to purchasing chicken tenders on the path to the title. Some, like Alex Waldens ‘10, have already paid a price. In a pivotal pre-season game, Waldens suffered a severe ligament tear in his right foot. "I knew the risk I was taking when I stepped out on the court. It's just
Accommodating the UFC Club By Kyle Underseth ‟10 With the construction of the new grass designated for athletic purposes under way on 7th Street, many students are confused as to where the new UFC octagon will be. Current architect‟s renderings only show two large green rectangles, and no indication of a UFC octagon. Brophy Ultimate Fighting Championship Club moderator, Mr. Javier Melendez ’85, is quite upset: “We are hard-working athletes like any other team at Brophy and clearly deserve our own stadium.” Though many are unaware, effective Sept. 2008, the Black Box Theatre has been formally known as the “Fr. Edward Reese, SJ Octagon”, open during break and lunch for Brophy‟s UFC fighters. However, with the popularity of the sport exceeding that of the chess and bobsled team‟s, new improvements were promised. The project‟s website claims that “the new stadium will incorporate all the latest eccentricities, from seats to water fountains. We are going BIG this time!” Lately, things seem to be looking up for the cage fighters: Stone Cold Steve Austin donated a $2 million gift for the new stadium to be built. This, along with a multistory parking structure, is projected to be finished by 2058, the year of the Dragon.
hard watching from the sidelines as Bill Easternking ‘11 scores goal after goal," said a painfully disappointed Suarez. Others, like Knowshon Keylumber ‘11, have reportedly “put the team before myself”: Said Keylumber after a 10-0 rout of some freshman team with a really lame name, "I missed a make-up test to play, and I got a zero. Good thing there’s no academic probation for handball.”
Partly cloudy with a chance of bears. High 70s, Low 50s.
Club Spotlight: Student Social Justice Friendship Society for Darfur, the Majority of Latin America, and Scottsdale By Keith Bender ‟11 The recent flurry of social justice-related clubs has brought attention to many regions and countries across the world. Unique in its vision, however, is the Student Social Justice Friendship Society for Darfur, the Majority of Latin America, and Scottsdale. While it has yet to find a moderator, SSJFSDMLS is busying itself with service projects. Upcoming events include a free car wash in the Fashion Square Mall parking garage for all vehicles with 22-inch or larger rims and a Chipotle fundraising event to benefit several steakhouses in the Scottsdale area.
Homecoming: Next time, get the ocean By Matt Munhall ‟12 Brophy prides itself on being a Jesuit school that strives for excellence in every aspect. This leaves me wondering why this year‟s homecoming didn‟t go the whole nine yards. The student council attempted to create a beachlike atmosphere at the Party in Paradise event by bringing in 50 tons of sand, 50 palm trees, drink bars, and surfboards. However, despite all of these elements, homecoming was lacking the one thing that truly makes a beach: the ocean. Turning the football field into the Pacific Ocean would have been a simple enough task for our elected representatives. By purchasing a large digging vehicle and piping in salt water from the Pacific coast, homecoming would have had an authentic Hawaiian feel. I guarantee that this could be accomplished while keeping ticket prices under ten dollars. I fully expect the student council to use the money they inexplicably did not spend on genuine ocean water to provide fresh-fallen snow at the Christmas Dance.
Fiery Debate Ensues Over Relativity of Student-Parent Handbook By Bill McDonald „12 Brophy‟s noble values are nowhere more evident than in the Student-Parent Handbook, arguably the paragon of modern scholastic administrative legislature. After all, where would this institution be if it were not clearly defined for the faculty and students what constitutes proper, safe conduct in science labs, as found on page 23 of this profound document? Somewhere we don‟t want to be, this reporter would argue. However, like
any truly great work of art, the SPH is subject to fierce debate regarding how it should (or shouldn‟t) grow and evolve over the coming years. The administration has recently taken to calling emergency lunchtime meetings to discuss just that. There are some who argue that the SPH‟s meaning should be taken literally throughout the years, while others call for a “living” SPH that can adapt to new situations. Intent upon ensuring that the
The Wrangler Art Gallery: World’s Finest This piece is titled: “Please allow students this time to check their email , back up their computers, and read the Daily Bulletin”
By Joe Skoog ‟13
Word to the Wise “Pineapple”
Editors Keith Bender ‟11 Henry Wilky ‟11 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ‟97 Mr. Steve Smith ‟96 Sergeant-at-Charms Young Byron II
Interested in contributing? Email wrangler@brophybroncos.org
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2009
SPH remains the same JUG-licensing document it was years ago, Mrs. Beth Viquesney has said that “Without the knowledge that the speed limit in the parking lot is 5 mph (39) I cannot honestly say I‟d be the same woman you see today.” Some, however, disagree. That guy on the bike intoned “Give it life, I say, give it life!” The student body is not keeping silent on this key issue either. Thomas Yaleva ‘12 expressed adamant
disapproval: “If I can‟t believe that every effort will be made for emergency messages to be delivered to me prior to 9 A.M. (41), then what can I believe?” In any case, I hope this document will retain its virtue; and our minds, thirsting for guidance in the words of our predecessors, will not be like so many Styrofoam cups in the Great Hall: unable to be refilled.
The InterroGATOR By Peter “Ladies Man” Ossowski ‟11 What is your name, age, sex, year, location, school? Name– Mercedes Yang Age- Almost 17ish Sex- Female Year- Jun10r! Location– a red table Shoe size– N/A School- attends Xavier for “kicks” What is your favorite Monet painting, and why? I guess I like the one with the water lilies, but I‟d rather talk about Kebrab‟s art (Kebrart). He can really represent. What is your favorite number? Yes. Do you have school spirit? Yes. How much school spirit? Yes, I have a stunning amount. Are you part Gator? Yes. I am half Korean, half Gator. How do you feel about women’s suffrage? I agree with my fellow suffragette philosopher, Kelly, on this subject, “I would like to end women‟s suffrage all across the globe.” How do you feel about the recent
decline in lemonade stands in America? I do not like lemonade stands, I think they are SKITZ© (skitz is new age lingo, a combination of sketchy and schizophrenia) because I do not like kids (I think kids are like fish and birds and I hate all four). Have you tested the hypothesis that cats have nine lives? I would like to try. What is your favorite class, besides cooking? JERK? Intro to acting because guys can take that class, and there is a lot of drama, no pun intended (pun was totally intended) Would you marry me? Laughs nervously then throws brick, but Peter dodges brick like ninja.
If you know a Gator who would like an interview or date, do not hesitate to refer her to Peter. He has a nice a car and likes to go to the theatre and will always call you back.
Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k?