The WrangleR We promise we’ll get this done before we are senior citizens. Class of 2022: Senior Edition. Edition Roman Numeral Ninety-Two and a Half
Real. Comfortable. News.
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Senior To-do List By: Senior Itis ’22 For the end of the year, we had two great things planned: The Wrangler Senior Edition and an epic senior prank. Instead of Wunderlist or Microsoft To Do, we used ol’ reliable: quill and parchment. We wanted to ensure these items were not forgotten before the end of the school year. As is routine for nearing graduation seniors to have backpacks entirely devoid of school contents, we actually had to “borrow” the “quill and parchment” above from Hogwarts - where we will be attending next year with majors in Defense of the Dark Art of Homework and Potions of Remembering. Balloons = Huge Success. Hogwarts = Huge Success. Senior Edition = 0.0009 and 3/4% done.
Senior Birthday Fun By: Ugetta Balloon ’22 For the list of names next to the balloon picture: I think I get it... the senior prank was actually just a celebration of the wonderful seniors’ birthdays that coincidentally all landed on Monday, May 16th. Here are just a few of those we’d like to give a warm birthday shoutout to: - He, Liam ‘22 - Burt dePardy ‘22 - Hapi Birvdei ‘22 - Hairy Beeferday ‘22 - Slaphappy Bidet ‘22 - Huckleberry Chalamet ‘22 - B.A. Loonz ‘22 - Red Velvet Cake ‘22 - Fanilla Vrosting ‘22 - Swell-Abrasion Thyme ‘22
The WrangleR Stock Tip: Invest in the Corral’s sunflower seeds. Trust me, I just got a 2 on Macro Edition Roman Numeral Ninety-Three Real. Comfortable. News.
Senior Becomes Seuss
News in Briefs
By: Ransom Kaul ’24
With only a few short days left in their high school careers, most of the members of Brophy’s senior class of ‘22 have already moved on and are beginning to consider their options for their adult careers. While many will be taking up more orthodox positions such as doctor, teacher, fireman, silicon valley tech billionaire, et cetera, one senior has decided on a more unconventional career path: children’s book author. In an interview with Teddy “Dr. Wrangler” Giselle ’22, the “doc” told independent reporters, “I take a lot of inspiration from Dr. Seuss, and so I really try to emulate his work. I want to bring joy to millions of children worldwide, and since Dr. Seuss has already done that, why
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would I be in the wrong for borrowing some of his most famous book ideas” (Note: Giselle used air quotations throughout the entire interview). If you or anyone you know would like to pick up a copy of one of Giselle’s new releases, then go to www.thedocsoriginals.biz and pre-order one today. His first collection of novels, including titles: One Bronco, Two Broncos, Red Bronco, Blue Bronco, Bronco Hears a Who, and The Bronco in the Hat, are all set to release on Friday, February 31st, 2023 at 12:00 pm. Come and pick up your copy then!
• AP Calculus AB students think the wisdom of Ms. Toshner’s class could be worth millions; attempt to purchase NFTs (Non-fungible Toshners) • Great Hall seemingly closed for the past 10 weeks. Freshman wonders what is actually going on in there • Brophy purchases solar panels to cover 60% of the school’s electricity. Do they know they can get it from outlets on the walls for free? • Only 7% of students report displeasure with their performance on AP exams, while the remaining 93% were lying • Mr. Danforth ‘28 seen chanting “STOP THE STEAL” in the Octagon after being passed up on an award for his 83 years of service
Uncovering the Solar Panels: Who, What, Where, When, and Why? By: Bobby Munhall ’23 The following is a transcription of a voice recording found in the Brophy Art Gallery. The clapping was loud, unbearable, and incessant. I am, of course, talking about the ribbon cutting ceremony for our “new solar panel covered parking structures in the South Lot.” Rolls off the tongue nicely, no? No, it doesn’t. There’s something deeper going on here, me thinks, and my detective hunch is never wrong. When something seems too good to be true, it usually is. Where is all the money going and with what money did we pay for the solar panels? These questions might as well have been a laundromat the way they were swirling round and round in my washing machine of a head. That, and the fact, of course, that laundromats are often used for money laundering. I was going to get to the bottom of this. My first stop was to visit the site where it all went down the solar panels. The parking lot was quiet; “Too Quiet!” said the TV detective trope tumor in my brain. So quiet, in fact, I could hear chicken tenders being scanned at the Corral for $19.50 a pop. I can’t even remember the time lunch was affordable because the Corral was bleeding us dry to pay for these new Solar Panels. The masses didn’t question it. I’m not like the masses, though; I wear a polo on Fridays and Brophy T-shirts on mass dress days.
I peeked around and saw a little electrical box. Making sure nobody saw me, I took out my bolt cutters and popped that bad boy open. Now what I’m going to tell you isn’t for the faint of heart. Before I could pry the door open, I was suddenly suspended by two sevenfoot bodyguards with my feet dangling. They started pulling me away from the electrical box, and as it slowly shrunk before me I was screaming, “What’s in the box!!!!! What’s in the box!!??!!!!” Then everything went black. I woke up in a room, I presume, in the Brophy Art Gallery - the obvious site for the most illicit of deeds. They removed my blindfold, and 4 men were sitting in chairs around me each blazoning a different playing card suit design on a suit jacket. I tried my hand at cracking wise: “I’ve heard of a Zoot Suit, but never have I ever heard of a Suit Suit!” They didn’t take kindly to this, and I was promptly knocked unconscious again. I’m Royally Flushed. I’m starting to lose my sense of time down here, but I think that was 4 days ago. There’s a bunch of old tech left down here - relics from a bygone era. I’m using a couple of tape recorders to document what I know, but I don’t know how much longer I have. It’s only a matter of time before Mr. -----” Audio Recording 03:52.
• Senior ballon prank update: String and helium guys fail to come through. Chaos ensues • Junior creates bot to complete his college recommendation questionnaires • Archaeologists attend the Awards Ceremony to study the decomposition of underclassmen • Anonymous sophomore: “RC Club’s remote control cars running over people’s lunch ‘totally isn’t obnoxious’” • Rumors circulate that “Friday Freestyle” will include students skipping finals and making a huge rap circle on the top of the old BMO Harris bank building