The WrangleR Officially unofficially sponsored by Coach Hiedaymen Edition Roman Numeral Eighty-Eight
Feature: Find out which bathroom is best for postburrito relief
Real. Comfortable. News.
Investigation: Update: The scariest part of Will the devious ficks ever Halloween isn’t the end? decorations
Candies too wicked for Halloween
By: Ryan Lin ’22 It’s a cold night (for Arizona) on September 30th. When the clock strikes twelve, a shiver shoots down everyones’ spines, signifying one thing: it’s Halloween! You’re a fool if you thought Halloween was on October 31st — it actually occurs during the whole month of October and there is nothing that you can say to change my mind. Known as the “spooky season,” Halloween rightfully gained its reputation as the scariest time of year. From the sometimes too realistic decorations to the daunting jack-o-lanterns emanating a mysterious glow, the Halloween season is truly terrifying. However, there is one part of this holiday that takes the cake for the most horrifying part of Halloween: candy bowls filled with the most repulsive sweets. Receiving a handful of these candies is probably the most traumatic event one can experience, but being able to immediately identify and discard them from your candy bag can prevent any further harm. So, here are the top 5 candies to avoid during Halloween: 1. Candy Corn Initially, this candy looks appealing; the vibrant colors match perfectly with the “spooky season” aesthetic, but looks can often be deceiving. Now, the first few pieces are always good. No. Not good — fine. The first few pieces are always fine. After about a handful, its coarse, waxy texture in combination with the fact that it is
always stale ruins this “treat.” The only upside is that its unfailingly stiff exterior protects you from any hidden razor blades. 2. Tootsie Rolls These tiny bites of despair are likely the result of a failed science experiment. They are gummy and lackluster in flavor, and honestly, chugging the contents of an unlabeled vial in the chemistry lab that this monstrosity was concocted in sounds more appealing than these mistakes. Despite the vast dislike of this candy, this company took it a step further and made Tootsie Fruit Chews, including a vanilla flavor which...isn’t a fruit? 3. Tootsie Roll Pops When will this company learn that encasing a less than desirable candy in an only marginally better sugar coating isn’t the way to go? 4. Gum This includes, but is not limited to Hubba Bubba, Dubble Bubble, Bubbly Wubbly, Chompy Whompy, and Chewy Blewey Dewey Decimal System. All of them are really tough on your teeth and the flavor lasts for a maximum of 10 seconds. Seriously, by the time you open the wrapper, the flavor has already evaporated. 5. Black Licorice Nuff said.
Boisterous Brophy bathroom reviews
By: Ransom Kaul ’24 Dutch (ALL OF THEM): The entirety of my experience t’was an unthinkable nightmare. The smell of sweat and male puberty surrounded me as I sat on the urine-covered john. My eyes teared up at the sight of no dividers between the urinals, a terrible travesty which has undoubtedly resulted in an abundance of awkward stances and uncomfortable silences. But worst of all, when I made haste to escape the horror, the toilet began to flush, and flush, and flush again, it’s cold, automatic red eye staring back at me while I screamed at it. I am lucky to escape with my life. 1/5 Brophy Hall (1st Floor): Clean, classic, efficient. The many good Brophy lads know it and love it. I was astounded at the incredible number and variety of toilets, and equally so when I saw how little were actually being used! Best of all, the hip, retro-style checkerboard flooring adds a welcome, oldschool finish that our seniors love! 6/5 Keating Hall (1st Floor): No. Just No. You know why. 1/5
@BrophyWrangler
Piper (1st Floor): If I was a scientist or a pipefitter, I would absolutely love this restroom. Sadly, or not so sadly, I am instead a WORLD FAMOUS BATHROOM CRITIC AND YOU CANNOT JUDGE ME. Therefore, I am disgusted by the constant smell of gas coming from those Broncos among us special enough to take Chemistry without knowing how to properly use a bunsen burner and not leak gases across the entire classroom!!! 1/5 Robson Gym (1st Floor): Literal bliss. Absolutely fantastic bathroom. Nothing more to be said (Trust me, a senior said so). 31,415,926,535,897,932,384/5 Gullible Hall (Basement): To find this elusive bathroom, you must pass through the seven levels of the candy cane forest, the sea of swirly-twirly gumdrops, and then walk through the Freeman Arch. While that storyline may sound great in a blockbuster Christmas movie, it makes for an annoying trip, especially after one too many bean burritos from the Corral. 3/5
News in Briefs
• The Wrangler audit finds that despite using Coach Hiedeman’s name at least 3 times per edition, we have never once spelled Coach Hideymen’s name correctly. • Student at Brophy football game accidentally enlists in the U.S. Army when attempting to get Jamba Juice. • AP Calculus students attempt to find the limit of how many times StuCo will use a 3 second slow motion clip of mosh pits to advertise events. • Inspired by Squid Game, Health teacher, Coach Hidetheman, has students participate in the dalgona candy game; however, every time they lick the back of the candy, their grade is lowered by 1% for eating sweets. • 4 shadows have been reported missing; devious lick trend may be getting out of hand. • A new Scientific American study finds that cellular reception in the middle of the Pacific Ocean is 1000% better than in Graham Plaza. • Brophy I.T. Department releases first quarter student search report; Google Snake slithers its way to the top of the list while Canvas remains at the bottom for the ninth year in a row. • Forget track and field, the new, yearround 400m cross-campus Examen dash becomes the most popular running event. Current record for this surreptitious shuffle: 1:02.17. • Coach Hyedehman mandates a bag search for Little Brothers for all future Frosh Retreats after several are caught hooking up gaming consoles to projectors — Big Brothers argue that it is an integral part to the Brophy experience. • Ensuing student body rebranding to the “stampede,” students protest for Brophy mascot to be changed too; Chewie, who is known for “stampeding” her way through campus on her walks would be a much better fit than a Bronco.
Investigative report: Devious ficks By: Bobby Munhall ’23 10:32 a.m. - 9/27/21: I am Interim Private Detective Oliver AstonburyShireton-Tea-and-a-crumpet-for-a-good-oldjolly-good-ol’-time Smith (our beloved detective Drew Hardy across the pond has mysteriously disappeared after countless penetrating searches into Brophy’s deep, dark recesses) reporting on the string of incidents that some are calling “the most heinous act ever committed on an educational institution’’ - Random Student ’24 (P.S. If my prior experience with my highschool’s newspaper - The Groundup - has taught me anything about good journalism, it is that you are never supposed to get genuine quotes that real people have said, rather you are to put in catchy phrases that sound good for the flow of your article). Anyway, it all started around 2 weeks ago when an email moseyed its way on over to my inbox: RelatableMoose354@hotmail.com, and it outlined the situation we now face ourselves with: “Deer Mr. Moose, Bee warey of me: I’ll do the Devious Ficks Timez I will strike: THREE! Remember this, thE Fix is In.” First off, what this mysterious rapscallion is suggesting is utterly diabolical — that Deer & Moose pun was completely tasteless. Secondly, the repairs he plans to make on the school could completely bring everything Brophy has worked towards crumbling, in a way not so unlike the direction that the child’s boat gently goes in “Row, Row, Row your boat!” Finally, I have whittled down my list of suspects solely to the class of 2025. The grammar and cadence of this email sounds
note-for-note like a conversation I overheard of a freshman trying to convince someone that he “like, totally has a girlfriend, but she goes to an online school in a different time zone on Wednesday afternoonish-eveningish-mornings so you would not know her.” I have luckily arrived before any of these so-called “Devious Ficks’’ he has suggested have gone down, but the weight of humanity rests oh-so heavily on my shoulders...
9/30/2021: When you tango with Tea-and-a-crumpet-fora-good-old-jolly-good-ol’-time Smith, you get the horns. It takes two to mess with the bull. Visions of sugar plums and sanitized doorknobs dance in my head - I’m so tired, I haven’t slept a w---*BRRRRRRR-SCRRRRRZZZZ* Is that a powertool I hear?!?! ~ (Audio Transmission Cuts Off)
8:12 a.m. - 9/29/2021: OH THE HUMANITY! Not 6 minutes after arriving at school today to make my rounds (destroying kids on first period flex in 1v1 Dutch Basketball), I began to proceed with my detective rounds, and I spotted the most ghastly sight outside the double doors of Eller Hall. This lowlife. This, this, this debauched anti-philistine marked his territory like a snoop diggity dog. He had the audacity to put up a sign that stated: “Thiz is the furst locashion I have hit a Devious Ficks on. Too two go.” When I entered the building, my nose was filled with the smell of fresh lavender and the ostensibly newly fixed air conditioning unit spit a perfect 72 degrees out on my skin. What horrid machinations this devilish fiend has wrought into the inner workings of one of the already most pristine buildings on campus. Curse you! As I stepped up the horrible, perfectly scrubbed stairs, and into the third floor of Eller, I encountered something most terrific: every piano was perfectly tuned. It truly was a somber morning — no longer could passersbys on the Central Canal feel the chill of a discordant G# that is so redolent of Brophy’s culture.
4:17 a.m. - 9/30/2021: I missed the culprit by a mere fraction of a second, but I was able to snap a quick picture of him. This guy works quicker than the time it takes for a New York City subway rat to vitiate a fallen slice of pizza. The location he hit a fix on next was the Father Renna Reading Room. Its decrepit charm was all but completely destroyed in a remodeling the likes of which the titular “Property Brothers” would be blown away by. The glimmering hardwood finish, the Spanish-style area rugs, the granite table tops, and 18th century faux-French bureaus all individually seemed out of place, sure. But together? They all perfectly complemented each other. Ceiling-popcorn who? Asbestos what? Grammar how?? The svelte spines of updated book editions stared into my soul. And to top it all off, he added a tasteful Williams Sonoma Luxury Sectional that outlined the corner of the room so perfectly that Brophy’s math department will need to brush up on their right angle theory. The controlled chaos of interior design could have only been achieved by the maniacal man I have been trying to capture these last few days. I can only imagine this handyman is resting on his yanny’s, lying in wait, planning for the next devious fix he can think of.
(AUDIO TRANSCRIPTION) 4:00 a.m. -
Hiedemon, Highdamen, or maybe Hïdämën? By: Ryan Lin ’22 and Henry Wagy ’24 The Wrangler recently held a survey asking students, “What is the hardest thing about Brophy?” and our data has shown that 100% of students have come to the same conclusion: spelling Coach Hiedeman’s name. An anonymous student asserted that “it’s just something about the e and i... o, u, and sometimes y in his name, Hydieman, that throws people off.” Well, fret no more. We at the Wrangler thoroughly researched Heidoomun’s name, and have come up with a foolproof way to always spell Hydamen’s name correctly. You see, the trick is to become one with Hydéman. Begin by listening to the phrase “I’m sorry” on repeat and practice Hïdämën’s iconic response: “I don’t want to hear that you’re sorry.” For added effectiveness, you can superset in assigning 20 pushups to anyone who responds to a question with “yeah.” It may take some time, but if these steps are followed correctly, spelling Heyeduhmahn’s name should be a breeze. Still struggling with spelling Highdemand’s name correctly? Don’t worry — just keep on practicing it over and over. Here’s an example of how we managed to perfect the spelling of Hidumon’s name. Hideyman → Hidamen → Hidetheman → → Heidachild → Heidadog → Heidacat → Hiedafish → Heidamad → Heidasad → Heideglad → Heidabody → Heidamoney. With enough practice, I’m sure you’ll be able to spell Heideman’s Hīdaman’s name correctly. Start by finding as many spellings of Heideyman’s as possible (the first one is done for you)!
Join The Wrangler! Let’s be honest. Nobody has ever read this section ever in the history of ever. Honestly the Lions have a better chance of winning the Super Bowl than someone joining without being recruited by Mr. Smith. Feel free to prove me wrong. Wednesdays at lunch in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved today.
The Wrangler © 2021 Editing Board:
Head of Outreach:
Ryan Lin ’22 Nick Hahne ’22 Bobby Munhall ’23
Jack Dumanski ’24
Advisers: Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.