The WrangleR When you don’t want to take your daily dose of Green Gremlin juice - The Wrangler Edition Roman Numeral Ninety-One Real. Comfortable. News.
Feature: Thinking classes are “optional?” Want to get a free ride in a golf cart?
Update: Sanitary advancements abound in Keating Hall
An ol’ adage: Leaving early? Or early leaving?
News in Briefs
The Escapists
By: Ransom Kaul ’24 It’s nearly the day’s end. It’s only Monday, but you’re already waiting for the weekend. You head to Eller 256, the classroom of Mr. Mayer ’83 for your 7th hour AP History: Culinary Studies class. Like a decent Chinese restaurant in Phoenix, he is nowhere to be found. “Awesome!” you say, “I wanna go home.” You begin to leave, but then remember the numerous announcements and ominous warnings that have been appearing daily on the Bulletin and over the loudspeaker. You ignore them. As you move to leave campus, it
@BrophyWrangler
is eerily silent and empty. You press onward. You finally reach the corner of Camelback and 1st Street. Something is wrong, you think, nobody is here. The streets are as empty as the campus at 8:50 a.m. on Wednesday. You stop. You hear something, a low humming sound. You turn, only to be immediately blinded by flashing headlights. “What class are you?” you hear a voice yell out. “I’m a sophomore!” you yell back. “WRONG ANSWER” screams the approaching voice, “GET IN THE CART!” You ride slowly, carefully back to Brophy. As a reward for dipping, you receive this:
• The paper towel dispenser in Brophy Hall taking its darn time like I don’t have to get to class. • Not everyone is having fun with their community period; I, for one, am shackled in The Wrangler dungeon writing News in Briefs. • You think that’s bad? They have me writing 20 Señor Higgins jokes every edition. Imagine having to pass him in the hallway after that. • Brophy administration releases new “H Day” schedule: “(H)ow many minutes can we shave off lunch this time?” • Mass teacher absences leave students in a moral quandary: To leave (and realize you are a lazy worthless slug not deserving of God’s love)? Or not to leave?
Word(le) of the Day
By: Jack Dumanski ’24 and Bobby Munhall ’23
I wake to blurry surroundings slowly coming into view. How long was I out? Where am I? My computer screen flashes an array of empty boxes before me and the top reads out BROPHDLE. My fingers are still resting on the keys after my flex sleep sesh - a feeling I, as a Brophy Sophomore who averages 4 hours of sleep a night, am all too familiar with. I’m banking on my favorite Summit track, “Sleeping,” to escape the rest of the day after this perplexing puzzle. I’m illegally using my computer on the Eller Balcony, and I think that’s where i’ll start. I punch “ELLER” into the machine. No dice. Should I keep doing this pointless BROPHDLE or should I get a move on the 16 Chapters of APUSH notes I copied off of the internet? That’s it! APUSH will be my next guess, just like how i’ll be guessing on my APUSH exam fourth period. A “U” and an “H” are revealed, much like the noise that will involuntarily seep out of my mouth during this bane of my existence, good-for-nothing, and cursed APUSH exam fourth period. I need a cool word to play. A rush of
• Please, please help me, I’m still here—stuck in editor’s dungeon of The Wrangler. Pretty please with a Bronco on top?
blood to the head yields MUNRO, whose Spanish 1 class I’m somehow managing to take for the second year in a row. MUNRO goes into the board and places the U in position 2. I never wanted to use this word, similar to how nobody wants to transition to its scheduling: BLOCK. It still gave me a “C”. Two guesses left. I wish I had more just like how some juniors tell me they want to experience MAGIS “One More Time” because they had peanut allergies the first time through. No letters?! If I’ve been taught one thing here at Brophy it’s that Sophomores are wise fools and Magis means “the more.” My life is in shambles. I guess Magis doesn’t mean “the more” and I’m about to somehow fail the BROPHDLE even though you should really only need 4 tries. I can’t seem to think of any more silly 5 letter Brophyrelated words. My brain just needs some coffee to get everything in its right place. I think I’m going to head to DUTCH Bros. Want anything?
• Reel Pershin ’25 redefines poetry by daringly trying to rhyme “Bronco” with “block schedule” in his illegal, impromptu Poetry Out Loud freestyle recitation that lasted all of 24 seconds and ended with “Uh, uh, uh, yeah. I don’t know… something like that.” • In an initiative championed by the security department, both spike strips and ghillie suits proved to be no match for sophomores who simply “weren’t aware you couldn’t leave at 9 a.m.” • New arcade machines pop up around campus. FUNREIN takes the top 5 high scores on Pac-Man.
Breaking News: Mr. Schillig ’15 appointed Brophy Soccer head coach By: Nick Hahne ’22 Currently, the decorated soccer team is looking to head into the playoffs and claim their fourth state title in a row. In a recent interview with The Wrangler, varsity soccer’s new head coach, Mr. Schillig ’15 claimed: “Previously, my only soccer exposure had been watching one game in the World Cup every four years. But hey, coaching high school soccer is a lot like organizing retreats for teenage boys, if you can get everybody on the bus at the right time then you’ve already won half the battle.” Even in his first practice today, Coach Schillig already said a couple memorable quotes to the team, “We’re gonna call this drill The Exorcist cause it’s all about controlling possession,” and “Your body is like day-old rice. If it ain’t warmed up properly, something real bad could happen,” and lastly “Be a goldfish.” The Wrangler will keep you updated on any future developments.
Eating early
By: Bobby Munhall ’23 There are some questions that have answers. These include things such as, “What is 2+2?,” (832.4) and “How many readers does The Wrangler have on average” (0). However, there are some questions that simply have no agreeable answer. Chief among them are: “Utilitarianism or Kantianism?” and “When is lunch?” After the demo block schedule week, students are voicing their opinions about class lengths, homework times, and overall flow of the schedule. Not I, said a writer for The Wrangler. No, what I think we should be talking about is the fact that lunch is so early with the new block schedule. I mean, what sort of meal is acceptable to eat at 10:50 a.m.? Have you tried eating a turkey sandwich with morning breath? Imagine if the Corral remains next year with this untimely lunch period. A world where chicken tenders and pizza are being consumed at the same time that people still have morning boogers in their eyes is no world I want to live in. Having discussions about the timing of lunch is extremely difficult in our polarized society, but we must sacrifice for the betterment of humanity.
The new & improved Keating soap dispenser By: Bobby Munhall ’23 Desperately looking to get away from your Spanish class? Don’t want to walk from the SAC to Eller to rid your hands of locust pheromones? We’ve all been there. So you think to yourself, “Keating Hall bathroom doesn’t seem too bad, right?” As you enter, you notice some things. Why is the mirror cracked? Why are 47 tiles missing from the floor? Why is the carbon monoxide detector beeping? Is that really a pink elephant on a unicycle or is that just the carbon monoxide talking? And most importantly, why is the soap dispenser broken? I thought it was wise to come up with a design for a new & improved soap dispenser design that is leagues above any previous model installed on those linoleum walls. I want Broncos to come into the Keating Bathroom and be proud of the sanitary facilities it provides, not shy away from touching them because the plastic is melting off and there is never soap actually inside the dispenser. If you fix your gaze in “Cupid Shuffle” fashion (“to the right, to the right, to the right, to the right,”) you can see that there is now finally soap inside the dispenser. A little penicillium and Plutonium-239 never hurt nobody! On top, a couple of handy wires are positioned to suit your every electronic need while washing those paws of yours. Who says hand soap can’t be electrifying? Does it charge your phone? Maybe. Have you signed the waiver that waves us all of legal responsibility when you enter a zone with this soap dispenser design? Then, yes, it most definitely charges your phone to 100% immediately and also gives you free RAM. Another complaint we’ve heard from students is that the Brophy soap dispensers are too boring. Fear not! The bite marks and drool will keep you on your toes - was it a freshman or a rabid dog who bit that chunk out of the soap dispenser? Either way, it’s looking like you might need that penicillium after all if you want to operate the dispenser. The nuts and bolts are simply an improvement on the old design regardless of how you look at it. Instead of being certain you won't get soap, you now might get some metal in your hands if you go to press the soap dispenser! Isn't that just lovely? At any rate, it may be hard to see some of the old ways be lost in the past, even if those old ways are soap dispensers, and they are broken, never give you soap, and also never give you the love and affection you deep down know you deserve. Hopefully, this design ensures a smooth and peaceful transition into a new "sanitary golden age". We don't want another riot like the time we replaced every vending machine with the Fortnite item shop because they both steal money directly out your wallet and give you nothing in return. #EpicGamesIStillWantMyRefundForBuyingThePeelySkin
Join The Wrangler! Let’s make a bet. If you end up thinking about exams or homework assignments for any class, you have to attend every Wrangler meeting for the rest of the school year, and by reading this section, you are agreeing to these terms. Wednesdays at lunch in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved today.
The Wrangler © 2022 Editing Board:
Ryan Lin ’22 Nick Hahne ’22 Bobby Munhall ’23
Head of Outreach: Jack Dumanski ’24
Head of Twitter:
Advisers:
Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Zach Johnson ’23
Editing Coordinator: Ransom Kaul ’24
Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.