The WrangleR Already preparing for Mariah Carey’s inevitable return Edition Roman Numeral Eighty-Nine
Real. Comfortable. News.
@BrophyWrangler
Feature: Be prepared this Investigation: Update: Señor Cordova is Thanksgiving by expecting Will this senior make it into still on the loose — be alert the unexpected his dream school? and wear ear plugs Ay! Mis orejas!
By: Marco Pannozzo ’25, Jake Levine ’25, Blake Burr ’25 Date: October 22, 2021, 10:09am Victims: 1 dead, 2 in critical condition, 3 injured Report: During break on Thursday, October 22nd, the bell was about to ring in the SAC at Brophy College Preparatory in Central Phoenix. According to Brophy student, Ow Miiyeers ’24, a sharp whistle sounded to alert the students to clean up before 4th period. Immediately after the whistle sounded, 3 unsuspecting students dropped to the ground, blood dripping from their ear sockets; many more jumped out of their chairs due to the ear piercing, shrieking sound of the whistle. These victims are now hospitalized and suffering from severe trauma of the inner ear in the Phoenix Children's Hospital. The suspect is Señor Cordova, who was last seen “facilitating the lunch line” later that day. An initial search for the suspect has been fruitless, and he is nowhere to be found.
Bio: The suspect appears to be 7’10” with short black hair and may be armed — his prefered weapon is “el silbato” (the whistle). He responds to “hola,” “homie,” and “¡Ay!” He is also known to randomly bark at students. The suspect seems to always arrive early to school events and helps out with JUGS, but is nowhere to be found when things go south.
By: Ransom Kaul ’24
Terror. Thanksgiving. Wet kisses and muffled screams. I sit in anticipation. The Lions™ are playing football. They’re losing. Good. Wait, no. No. NO! Another year, another November, another Thanksgiving. I wait. I’m scared. The doorbell rings. “GUESS WHO’S HERE!!! IT’S AUNT KATHY!!! WHO WANTS A KISS???” I approach, trembling, sobbing, waiting to receive my fate. Icy, wet, fish lips hit my cheek with a spinechilling coolness. Her toxic Agua de Violeta™ perfume scent surges through the air like a spewing can of AXE Body Spray™. Thanksgiving is here. My soul is crushed beneath mountains of small talk and turkey. Mmm… turkey. Maybe
• Fun fact: Thanksgiving decorations are only on store shelves for exactly 1 minute before they are replaced by Christmas decorations. • Brophy to add Stair Rider © technology to every staircase except Eller; administration states that “students still need their exercise.”
Gobble? Gobble. *Rockin’ around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party hop. Mistletoe hung where you can see…* Ah the Christmas Season™ , the undisputed BEST holiday of the year. Starting At 12:00am on November 1st and not ending until mid-January-ish (or mid-February, or March, or July… whenever my mom yells at dad and me to take the decorations down), the Christmas Season™ is rife with joy and togetherness and caroling and food and presents and family bonding and presents and reindeer and Santa and PRESENTS — the list can go on and on. If you just close your eyes and imagine the Christmas season, so many things come to mind. Who cares about that other holiday sometime in what, late November? Oh Christmas, right now all I can do is dream and wait…
News in Briefs
Thanksgiving won’t be so bad after all. I look closer. No, it’s not turkey. It’s… it’s… it’s HAM! Disgusting, putrid, noxious HONEYBAKED HAM™!!! People seriously wait for hours in line, FOR THIS??? The pungent scent of swine flesh floods my nostrils. The horrifying sight of pig veins fills my eyes! And next to it, WHAT THE ROAST DUCK IS THAT??? Crimson, fleshy, jiggly cranberry from a can. OceanSpray™? More like OceanNo-Way™! Who kept the fake halloween gore and thought it’d make a pleasant side dish? And when I finally fill my plate and make my way to my seat, I find that all the “big boy” spots are taken. I have to sit at the kids table. Please... no… Screaming, throwing, coughing, whining, yelling, small children. I am surrounded. A plastic seat beneath me and a plastic cup before me and a plastic table beneath it. I am struck by a flying piece of… what is this?? Cranberry, ham, bile? Oh, what’s the difference, this is horrible. The only thing that could make things worse is… oh no, please stop, you’re not punny. The PUNS, the PUNS. Oh lord have mercy, the puns! “Remember, there is no fowl language allowed at the table!” “I’m filling pretty full!” “Oh my gourd, I’m stuffed!” “If you give the turkey coffee, it’ll be a perky!” NO, NO, NO. PLEASE NO. This is all a dream. Everything has to be a dream. If I close my eyes it will be Christmas. Thanksgiving isn’t real, IT’S NOT REAL!!!
• Brophy Hall loses Air Conditioning for a week; building stays below sub antarctic temperatures. • Teachers shocked over students’ inability to form lunch lines; new core class proposed. • New data from Google analytics shows that the most commonly shared document name is “WWZ Notes.” • Brophy to give students actual broncos in order to speed up the lunch line. • As the end of the first semester draws near, freshmen are finally beginning to understand the art of doing homework in the car. • Students sit awkwardly for three minutes at alumni lunch for extra credit before leaving to “use the bathroom.” • Student tries to one-up Señor Cordova with deafening FAE announcement; though he came close, Señor has still busted more eardrums with his whistles at the end of break. • After OFJ announces a $20 charge to partcipate in Movember, masks have returned in popularity among the senior class.
The Brogatoronco
By: Bobby Munhall ’23 Me here at The Wrangler wanted to let you know that pre-twenty-sixday-Yuletide (Thanksgiving) is just around the corner. With this advent in mind, The Corral decided to put a spin on a post-twenty-five-dayHalloween (Thanksgiving) family favorite — the turducken! Introducing… the Brogatoronco! The Brogatoronco has a breaded modern Bronco mascot exoskeleton, a sour patch Gator mascot musculoskeletal system, and a filling of the old Bronco mascot for its heart (that’s where it can sense touch, pleasure, pain, ponder life’s most deeply philosophical ethics questions, calculate 0/61+cosx sinx dx, and also create Constitutional Amendments with a ¾ super-majority vote in both chambers of Congress.) The pandemonium pictured inside the Great Hall where the Brogatoronco was being served shows students screaming, running, and stealing the Gradat-Grad poster “Committed to Doing Justice.” A sophomore at the scene of the crime who helped in the peculiar plundering, pillaging, and pilfering of the principled poster purportedly posited that “injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere, and the Brogatoronco is a chimerical injustice to mankind. The chef should be strapped to the chair for having such malice aforethought!” In other news, Pigeons can already be seen nibbling on the breaded Bronco exterior. When asked to comment on recent events, a Great Hall pigeon said this: “CUCKOO. CURRROO. CUCKKOO.” Wow. Such awe-inspiring words. It’s not often that you get to see an interviewee say so much about science, technology, human culture, and the world as we know it in so few words. You said it better than I ever could buddy — your old man is proud of ya.
YOU, PRESS “X” TO SKIP THE CUTSCENE, KEEP YOUR ARMS AND LEGS INSIDE THE VEHICLE AT ALL TIMES...Second thoughts? TOO LATE! Head back! Face forward! And hold on like ya mean it! We hope you enjoy California Screamin’! And away you go in five, four, three, two, one!, AND ALL THAT WILL REMAIN IS BUT ONE DECISION FOR MAN: EAT THE BROGATORONCO AND POST THE MUKBANG TO YOUTUBE AND ALSO SMASH THAT PHAT, JUICY LIKE BUTTON IN THE BOTTOM LEFT HAND CORNER OF YOUR SCREEN OR THOU WILT ANGUISH IN FIERY GEHENNA FOR EVERLASTING ETERNITY. ]” Whether you are a long time listener, first time caller of The Wrangler, or even a first time listener, long time caller of The Wrangler, be wary and know this: Blessed is he who in the name of breading and gooey interiors will shepherd the weak through the valley of the Corral line, for the Brogatoronco is truly his brother’s feeding perch and the finder of all truth, morality, congressional hearings, and the answer to that awkward question you asked your father at 9:52 p.m. (which was already a little past your bedtime) when you were 7 years old: “What are the birds and the bees?”
In other, other, Brogatoronco news, the announcements paid homage to the holiday dish with a tidy little song: “Feed the pigeons, tuppence a section of the Brogatoronco exoskeleton, tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a hexagonal-spheretriangle of the Brogatoronco.” While the song definitely deals with extremely heavy political propaganda, we must acknowledge the simple fact that there are more than two ways to skin a Brogatoronco because one man’s deep fried Bronco mascot is another man’s bird seed! In announcements microphone related news, the announcements microphone needed to be replaced this week after a student graced our ears with these dulcet notes: “COME TO THE FAE HAHAHAHAH *VVVVVVVV* COME TO THE FAEEEEEEEE ---- [sic] *GURGLE* [sic] AAAH **!()*@#Y$(*Y!$(&*Y**... THE GATES OF HEAVEN ARE OPEN FOR ALL OF YOU, YOU JUST NEED TO HEED MY WORD: DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WANT DONE TO
Deer Mr. Admissions Office
Sincerely, the turkeys
By: Ryan Lin ’22 and Nick Hahne ’22 Deer Mr. Admissions Office,
By: Ryan Lin ’22
I don't have much time to write (the big scary guy in the overalls is searching for me at this very moment), but this Thanksgiving, I only have one request: Eat mor ham. I'm tired of this. You guys hardly pay any attention to us, but every year when the leaves start to turn orange and fall from the trees, you suddenly hunt every last one of us down. Only a couple of my friends and I remain, seeking refuge with the cows. I know that this is a long shot, but the cows claim that the best way to get you to stop eating us is to offer an alternative, and boy have I got a good one for you. Keep in mind, I am a hard-working, tax-paying turkey, so I deserve to live; however, my neighbors, the pigs, are a different story. All they do is snort obnoxiously and roll around in the mud. They don't contribute anything to society, so all I ask is that you do the right thing and make the switch to ham as the Thanksgiving staple. I hear they taste great baked with honey! Sincerely, the turkeys
Join The Wrangler! Let’s make a bet. If you end up loosening your belt at Thanksgiving dinner, you have to attend every Wrangler meeting for the rest of the school year, and by reading this section, you are agreeing to these terms. See you after the break! Wednesdays at lunch in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved today.
Yo so like I kinda forgot to submit my early aplicashin by the dedline. That's my b. But in my defense it was really tedious and honestly kinda boring. I stayed up until 2:00 am on October 31st trying to write my personal statement, which took so long since I had to paraphrase examples I found online. Plus I spent 4 hours alone trying to find the perfect font! (I finally settled on Comic Sans btw) One word could sum up my personality: really awesome. But sence I know how much you guys at the Central Northern University of Southern Arizona (CNUSA) love honesty, you guys should def extend my deadline for early application. I think that I would be a perfect fit for your school because of my good vocabulry, discipline, and time-management skills (Do you guys like that thesis statement? I do.). Not only was I the JV thumb wrestling team captain my senior year (I suffered a sprained thumb in kindergarten which affected my tryouts as a junior), but I was also recognized on the local news for watching Star Wars: The Last Jedi 212 times. I know it says that you don’t track “demonstrated interest” on your website, but I would just like to tell you that I am totally interested in your school. Notwithstanding (do you like the fancy word?) the late application, I know that I am the best candidate for your school, and you should be honored to be given the opportunity to look at my super-duper-awesome application ;) May the force be with you, my young padawan, Eksept Mipleece Future CNSUA grad
The Wrangler © 2021 Editing Board:
Head of Outreach:
Advisers:
Ryan Lin ’22 Nick Hahne ’22 Bobby Munhall ’23
Jack Dumanski ’24
Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Editing Coordinator:
Head of Twitter: Zach Johnson ’23
Ransom Kaul ’23 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.