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The Wrangler’s September 2010
me The ba V F ck Aw ound ard atio Re n’s cip ien
12th Annual Back to School Report
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Dr. Ewing’s Move to South Beach Stuns Academia By Peter Scobas ‟12 Move over King James. Sit down D-Wade. Remember that you‟re the least talented, Chris Bosh. Let it be known: South Beach has a new resident. The Doctor is in, and we truly are all witnesses. In a three hour, anticlimactic media special, televised live on PBS and broadcasted through the airwaves on NPR, Dr. Samuel Ewing stunned the world and devastated the hearts of Brophy faithful by uttering the words, “I will be taking my talents to South Beach next fall.” Atop a free agency class that left Jesuit high schools licking their chops, “The Doc” forever altered the balance of classiness and prestige among Jesuit institutions by joining forces with two other coveted free agents. Teaching with Jimmy “The Jet” Tricco and Dave “Papa Bear” Brennan
Included in the three hour media special, Ewing discussed his time at Brophy, calling it “superb, but not mutually rewarding.” Upon hearing the news, Brophy faculty and students spilled out into the Mall, shouting gentlemanly curses such as “You scallywag!” “The dirty carpetbagger!” and “What a ninnyhammer!” Some students went to such lengths that they burned their own Ewingendorsed suits, blazers, vests, and ties. On the other side, former Brophy standout and infamous turncoat Jimmy “Threeco” Tricco immediately added “The Doc” to his Doctor Ewing laughing at the future of intramural basketball team, while Brenthe Brophy Social Studies Department nan bellowed in approval. How this new “Big Three” will fare in South Beach is appeared to pose too great of an opportunity something of a mystery, and leaves experts for him to pass up. divided. But one thing‟s for certain: Lakers in 6.
St. Mary’s Coach: Madden ‘Near-Victory’ Sign of Progress By Keith Bender ‟11 St. Mary‟s Knights head football coach Eddy Zubey expressed confidence in his team‟s chances this year, particularly against archrival Brophy Prep, shortly after losing to Brophy Coach Scooter Molander in an exhibition game of Madden football by a score of 30 to 24.
when he saw Molander standing in the same aisle. Zubey challenged the Broncos coach to a game of “Madden NFL 11” on the demonstration XBOX 360 console located next to the customer service desk. Within seconds, Zubey shouted “I call the Saints!” and told Molander to compete as the St. Louis Rams in a game of two-minute quar“To be honest, I think I played one heck of a ters. game,” remarked Zubey while pushing his shopping cart through a Target store at 19th In front of a crowd of two annoyed teenagAvenue and Bethany Home. ers, Molander had gained a 24-0 lead by halftime, when his wife and children ap“Scooter‟s in for a hard time this year. Just proached him. Informed that it was “time to give us a few weeks to sync, you know, go,” Molander shook hands with Zubey „cause we replaced our entire varsity team and left. According to the employee behind with last year‟s freshman team.” the electronics counter, Zubey then proceeded to pick up Molander’s controller Molander and Zubey ran into each other and continue the game, playing as both while shopping in the electronics departteams in an apparent attempt to manipument at Target. Zubey was reportedly looklate the game. ing for “one of those clip-on music things”
In the final seconds and the score tied at 24, Zubey accidentally scored a touchdown for Molander’s team. “He absolutely lost it at that point. That guy slammed the controller so hard, it hit him the face,” said Seth Ramsey, Target Electronics Team Member. “He was probably just upset that he lost to the other guy with the Brophy shirt. That guy wasn‟t even trying. The whole time he was stretching and talking about lifting or something with this intense-looking bald guy.”
By Keith Bender ‟11
JUG Blotter
The Wrangler has learned of the following JUG assignments via interception of administrative walkie-talkie communication:
Two freshmen JUG‟ged for eating Twinkies near P212 and told “Ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking it.” Senior JUG‟ged for failing to abide by provision 9a of Student-Parent Handbook, “Shirts must remain buttoned at all times during day
JV Football player assigned 25 push-ups and one hour of JUG for cutting across nonexistent grass in the mall.
Student issued warning, laughed at, for attempting to siphon gas from electricpowered maintenance golf carts. Disciplinary board convened
ber held on suspicion of mistaking a Brophy faculty member for a freshman then hula-hooping repeatedly at Frosh Mixer
istration to do so
and before school hours.”
after student dares admin-
Two senior student council members sentenced to 2 hours of JUG each for throwing Chipotle burritos at other students in Robson Gymnasium Addendum to handbook considered after Speedos worn a little too proudly at water day
Intro to Fine Arts class member cited for littering upon placing poorly-drawn sketch on the ground for a better view
Sophomore JUG‟ged for sleeping in Information Commons; extradited to Central High after routine ID check revealed he was not a Brophy student.
Xavier student council mem-
Freshman survival guide By Jordan Bohannon ‟12
Freshmen year is a time of transition, learning, self-acceptance, but most of all confusion. In a recent study, 95% of Freshmen admitted to being clueless and not knowing what is accepted in the Brophy College Preparatory culture. In response, the good folk here at The Wrangler have decided to be Men for Others and publish "The Frosh Instruction Manual!" Listed below is everything that YOU will need to assure that your freshmen year is smooth, successful, and for the most part, free of bloodshed.
1. It is customary to tip the Michael's workers 30% (Or just round to 50%). 2. Freshmen are strictly prohibited in the David Brown Mall during morning break. 3. However, freshmen should sit on the central hill in the mall during lunch. 4. The music memorabilia within the Eller Building is intended to be touched, you just need to slide the glass over first. 5. When you see Dean Bopp, you are to give him a high-five or fist-bump. This rule is in effect at ALL TIMES. 6. Thou shall commit shenanigans 7. If you play “name that tune” with Coach Heideman, and you win, you assign him push-ups. 8. Gummy-worms are the one exception to the "no eating indoors" rule. 9. Bring-your-pet-to-school day is on February 29th. 10. Manage your time wisely: Study Hall is for gaming, Math class is for doing random homework and other assignments. 11. Addressing the football coaches as “Sir” or “Coach” is seen as a sign of belittlement. Avoid these nouns. Replace with “yeah” or “okay”. Editors Keith Bender ‟11 Henry Wilky ‟11 Photography Editor Michael Notestine ‟11 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ‟97 Mr. Steve Smith ‟96
Executive Hairstylist Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi
Interested in contributing? Email: wrangler@brophybroncos.org All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.
“Ghost of Gaimari” Spotted, Bearded By Sean Cahill ‟12 Windows that are now permanently locked shut being opened. Tingling in the facial area that makes one realize how lame their attempted beard really is. A jingling noise much like that of keys as they are being swung from a lanyard. These and other bewildering incidents have left faculty and upper classmen with no doubts that some kind of supernatural Gaimari spirit is at play.
sarily the ghost of Gaimari, but it is the spirit and emotion of a wrestling, wildernessenthused, devoted White Sox fan that we all knew and loved flowing through the air in that room (and taking an occasional stroll down to Mr. Hooten’s room to chat).
I had the opportunity to ask Mr. Bradley, the present teacher in B208, to share his thoughts regarding the hype around the “Ghost of GaimaThis year, many freshmen ri.” taking World History in room B208 have come to the horrify- “I don‟t know if I believe all of ing conclusion that their class- this or not, but I do know that room is haunted. The ghost of ever since I started teaching in Mr. Matt Gaimari, an es- here, I‟ve gotten this innate teemed history teacher who craving to fist-fight a bear,” has moved on to pursue a life confided Bradley. of solitude as a Tibetan monk, still lives on in Brophy Hall. There you have it. I can only give you the story, but you Skeptics maintain that there have the choice to believe it or cannot possibly be a “Ghost of not. But if I were you, I wouldGaimari” if Gaimari is in fact n‟t want to hang up a Chicago still alive. However, many are Cubs banner in B208 any time convinced that it is not neces- soon, just to be safe.
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