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The Wrangler November 2010 Edition Roman Numeral Six
News in Briefs
Chilean miners hired to fix Brophy‟s faulty well
Student Council replaces creative event themes with “Color Outs”
Ethics department concerned freshmen objectify shadows, view them as simply means for front of the line pass
Students decide Kik is no different than texting, continue to use it anyway
Claustrophobic freshman faints during mandatory BodPod testing
Brophy trash cans switching places at night
Summit on Food to partner with Food Network, Emeril to make appearance
Eating healthy on Tuesdays makes you 14% healthier, report finds
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Teachers playing intramural basketball putting opposing players on academic probation mid-game By Samir Reddy ‟13 The intramural basketball community is Cox’s team ended up winning by a score of 8 facing scandal. to 6. Student reporters questioned Mr. Cox about his actions, and instead of responding Recently, teachers playing intramural bas- he changed their grades in Algebra to “F”s, ketball have been changing grades in the thus not allowing them to participate in exmiddle of games to win by putting opposing tracurricular activities (like The Wrangler players on academic probation. and The Roundup), effectively ending the interview. Mr. Doug Cox is notorious for suspending players mid-game. Many were confused as Reportedly, Cox and members of the math Cox’s hustle on the court turned into mis- department intramural team have developed leading trickery. Brophy student and intra- an algorithm that deducts class grade points mural basketball player Steinbeck Feath- for points scored against teachers in intraers ’13 expressed his disappointment. mural basketball games. “It was natural for me to cheer on my math teacher. I mean, who wouldn‟t want to cheer on the guy who decides their grade at the end of the semester. I thought I had something to cheer for when he dove for what I thought was a ball going out of bounds but was actually his tablet.”
Students have expressed outrage at teachers’ in-game access to their grades. Faculty teams have taken to appointing one bench-player to manipulate NetClassroom gradebook entries.
After falling into a 6-0 deficit, Cox changed the grade of the opposing star player to an F by entering 9 Ms for missing assignments, rendering the player ineligible to finish the game.
Mr. Jeff Glosser, moderator of intramural basketball and defending champion, expressed his views on the tension in the community. “Some say if you‟re not cheating you‟re not trying. I am very disappointed in the lack of effort put forth by student to also cheat. Everyone knows intramural basketball is a game of lying about the score, calling random fouls when you‟re losing, and carefully placing wet spots on the court before the game. The lack of effort by students to cheat this year has given leeway for faculty teams to inevitably win this year‟s championship.”
Games that Changed the Game: Powder Puff Football 2010 By Kyle Padden ‟12 and Henry Miller ‟12 It was a blustery day in late September as two titans of the non-competitive female flag football world met on the synthetic turf at the Brophy Sports Complex. They had played to a draw in the first quarter until the lights at the multimillion-dollar sports complex failed; causing Fr. Reese, SJ to call an emergency power breakfast sponsored by the Brophy Dad‟s club.
the run. The first half came to a close with the seniors completing an improbably fifteen yard Hail Mary touchdown pass. This thrilling drive was capped off by a successful extra point attempt, an event that is rarely witnessed by the Brophy faithful. “I was really surprised that she was able to get the ball past our defense,” said junior Defensive Backs coach Matthias Cornwell ‟12. “I thought that Amidst a parade of estrogen and grumbling complaints our safeties were good playing 10 yards off the ball, but from parents ready to leave, the teams walked over to she has quite a cannon, for a girl.” Loyola Field to continue the remaining three and a half quarters of fundamentally sound albeit less athletic foot- Halftime proved to be more eventful than a first half that ball. was marred by miscues and poor execution by both teams on both sides of the ball. When asked about the effect on of the change of playing surface, junior running backs‟ coach Jacques Stanton ‟12 As the team finished off a halftime snack of orange slices said, “This may slow down our ground game a little bit, and Gatorade All-Stars brought by Number 12‟s mom, the but we‟ll look to capitalize on the lack of overall team seniors brought out a banner for the senior team to break speed from the seniors.” The juniors‟ pregame strategy through as they entered the field. Encouraged by shouts was to utilize their thunder and lightning ground game to of anarchy by the junior coaching staff (although the spegash a senior defense that was statistically poor against cific instigator remains unknown) the juniors decided to,
in an act of malicious un-lady like sinfulness, burst through the senior banner with a power and grace that had not been displayed on the field. The juniors‟ dismantling of the senior‟s banner proved to be an undeserving metaphor for the remainder of the game, as the 3rd and 4th quarter action was decidedly one-sided. This was due in large part to the lack of containment of Number 11 by the junior defense. Despite their best efforts Number 11 proved too much. She reminded reporters of Chris Johnson, though skinnier, whiter, slower, and with pig tails instead of dread locks. After the devastating loss when pressed junior defensive coach, Andrew Whale ’12, admitted that pregame allegations that money had exchanged hands during the recruitment process of star, Number 12, and rumors of possible vacating wins had had a negative impact on their preparation. However, this junior team looks forward to a busy offseason of retooling as one report has them as the early favorites for signing Number 11.
“That Guy” makes first attack on public at Back to BASSics dance By Henry Wilky ‟11 That Guy has been elusive thus far in Brophy-sponsored events.
and cranking out the bass. Then I look out into the crowd and then I see That Guy wearing black. It totally threw me off my game”.
Football games, daily school happenings, classes, dances have seen their lack of That Guy making a special appearance. That is until this past Saturday night when That Guy was spotted multiple times at the “Back 2 BASSics: WHITE OUT” fall dance.
Indeed, That Guy threw many off their game that night. The grind pit on the dance floor blamed That Guy for ruining their “dancing” and the techno dancers faulted That Guy for getting in the way of their “hard style”.
Student Council explicitly stated the dance‟s theme as “white”. In simplest terms, the basic premise was to have all attendees wear white and give a supposedly unifying image of white everywhere.
Not only did That Guy visually detract from the atmosphere of the “WHITE OUT,” he performed several of his favorite dance moves, including the push-as-many-people-as-possible and the step-onyour-foot.
“What could go wrong?” remarked Student Council representative Ray Monroe ’12.
That Guy is also suspected to have purchased Michael‟s food every day during the Brown Bag Movement.
From a numbers stand point, not much.The dance garnered many attendees and nearly To combat That Guy‟s actions, Student Council has started a campaign promoting “That all wore white. Unfortunately, Student Council and the dance security did not expect Guy Awareness” and has agreed to offer a free That Guy Anonymous program for those That Guy to have such a strong presence wearing all black, and frankly being That Guy. affected. DJ Bryce Muzzy ’10 complained, “I was in a good routine, playing a good mix of music It is also widely believed that That Guy is a freshman. Printed on recycled Roundups
Y o u Ha v e T u r n e d T h e P a g e
Problems persist with Daily Prayer, Examen over PA system By Jordan Bohannon ‟12 Every morning and afternoon, the community at Brophy College Prep pauses for reflection and prayer in what is a stable and time-honored tradition. Yet, this year, an expanded roster of campus prayer leaders has led to a new and interesting experience every morning.
left the intercom on the whole period, so we could hear right to mutilate this tradition that for so long as acted as everything going on in the Dean‟s office. a unifying thread for the colonies!”
The chaos that has broken out during this formerly peaceful time is a result of a large group of new campus prayer leaders who have received no formal training. Students Adam Harris ’11 said "One morning I thought Darth now place bets on whose voice they will hear over the inVader was attacking the school, and there was this other tercom. In addition to the underground gambling that has one where the prayer took so long I could play 'Eruption' risen in popularity, there have been instances of pure rethree times in my head." bellion against this ancient tradition.
The administration tried to address this issue by assigning the duties of prayer to various administration members, and this remedy worked well for awhile. However, it was a sad reality that the student body actually looked forward to hearing the voice of the Dean.
The ultimate solution came at a faculty meeting, when it was decided that the PA system would be broken intenMr. Jimmy Tricco’s period one Jesuit Spirituality class tionally so that transmission was cut off after a few se“The Examen is even worse,” lamented Brian Rice ’13. partook in the Brophy Tea Party, an event in which they conds, and classes were left to conduct their own prayers, “One time, the guy on the PA didn‟t even ask the right drank tea for five minutes instead of praying. When asked chants, or sacrifices. questions. He just said „How are y‟all doing tonight?‟ and about his motives, Tricco replied “Parliament has no
An open letter of apology from the editors of The Wrangler To friends, enemies, frenemies, fans, America, supporters, haters, and to whom it may be concerned: We at The Wrangler feel that is time to unburden ourselves and share a very unfortunate truth with you all: It is our fault. Since our inception, our power has grown tremendously, leading us to pursue interests in a myriad of areas. Running this critically-acclaimed, award-winning, truth-seeking, ethically sound newspaper has been only one of our endeavors. The following is only a superficial list of things we are directly responsible for, and had we known how it would turn out, would never have allowed to exist: Glenn Beck, global warming, Schedule C, reimages, the Bernie Madoff scandal, illegal immigration, legal immigration, Hot Pockets, the iPhone 4 signal issues, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Justin Bieber, and Canada. We claim full responsibility for these and a large portion of other problems in the world. In time, you will come to see that we only meant well in our experiments, whether they resulted in Brophy losing to St. Mary‟s, an inconsequential fence being built just south of Tucson, or the extinction of an entire species. We know that this is a hard reality to accept. Please accept our apologies for directly or indirectly causing Lady Gaga, the construction at 7th Street and Camelback, the construction at St. Francis, and turning the grass in the Mall into cow manure. If we feel it is necessary, a more comprehensive list will be released in the near future, once we finish reversing events we had planned for the end of 2012. Love, Keith Bender and Henry Wilky Editors, The Wrangler
Spot the differences Can you spot the differences between the two images below? We can! There are five differences between each. Circle each difference.
Photo courtesy of Ms. Stefani
Editor Wilky relaxes after unleashing Lady Gaga on the world for covert Wrangler purposes that remain unclear despite the exceptional apology letter to the left.
Information Commons not loud enough for my liking By Keith Bender ‟11 On a typical morning, a Brophy student can go “We don‟t demand total rancor, but a moderate to the Information Commons with plans to cacophony is allowed,” said Director of the catch up on the latest gossip, laugh, game on Information Commons Mrs. Jennie Oleksak. his Tablet, and make lots of noise. Yet, Brophy students break these rules daily, 30 minutes before school starts, students begin resulting in an atmosphere of rigid academia, to arrive just in time to distract their peers. cold looks from peers when you so much as Organized chaos ensues as the latest Kid Cudi yawn, and an overall environment that is all album blares, the newest internet memes re- too conducive to individual learning. veal themselves, and the next game of tag organizes. Then the first bell rings at 8am. The The librarians are wary of offering the two library becomes deafeningly silent. Only a few private social rooms to just any student, as students are to be found, lounging on sofas “too often such rooms can just become study and pursuing the shenanigans of the internet. rooms, where no one talks or eats,” said Mrs. But now they are told to implement their ear Oleksak. buds in order to stifle any noises coming out of their Tablet, and are careful not to distract A place on Brophy‟s campus where there is a their peers who are using the time to catch up rancorous, bustling area to socialize is unqueson some sleep. The tag of game has effectively tionably necessary for the well-being of the ceased and desisted. The laughter is shuns. student body. Is this an environment conducive to the stu- But until such a place is designated, we must dent‟s social well-being? respect each other‟s needs for social success and simply act like we are in the Information I found myself in this situation everyday dur- Commons when we are in the Information ing the first semester of my freshman year in Commons. Period 2 Study Hall. Is the library not supposed to be reverberating with the laughter and shouts of hundreds of students?
Downloading weird fonts helps student pass the time in Synthesis class By Phil Shelton ‟12
On a typical morning, a Brophy student can go to the Information Commons with plans to Editors Keith Bender ‟11 Henry Wilky ‟11 Photography Editor Michael Notestine ‟11 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ‟97 Mr. Steve Smith ‟96 Witchcraft Consultant Christine O‟Donnell
catch up on the latest gossip, laugh, game on his Tablet, and make lots of noise. Interested in contributing? Email: wrangler@brophybroncos.org
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2010
Artist’s rendering of ideal Information Commons scene. Decibel level: 115. Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.