20
11 N
The Wrangler March 2011 Edition Roman Numeral Seven
Tragedy strikes at Bowling Club meeting; none spared
Mr. Hubbell suffers stress fracture from spreading too fast in debate practice
“Locks for Lax” hairdonation charity founded to benefit lacrosse players with less natural flow
Brophy sponsors Senioritis vaccination drive
“Call of Duty Black Ops” deals major blow to Covert Politics club logic: Agent Mason killed JFK
Poetry Out Loud 2011 competition loudest ever
Hoopcoming sting operation nets record 248 student IDs
io na l
Ch
am
pi
on s
Real. Comfortable. News.
Mr. Fisko “just not into teaching this year”
News in Briefs
at
By Peter Scobas ‟12 Mr. Paul Fisko. Brophy‟s very own “Renaissance Man,” fútbol-extraordinaire, theologian, musician, and teacher. The man who single-handedly brought the Cold War to an end. His voice has captured the hearts of many, his teaching style setting the bar for excellence, and his long black locks of hair the envy of any man over 40.
Mr. Johnson spotted with new luxury SUV up in NYC
perience, a Wrangler investigative reporter recently sat in on one of his Scripture classes. According to the reporter‟s account, Fisko showed up about 10 minutes late, and spent the next half of class perfecting his nerf-ball jump shot.
Once finally getting into lecture, he supHowever, recently, Mr. Fisko has gone posedly butchered the story of Noah, and against his almost divine persona and has misspelled “Jesus” with a “g.” exhibited some, well, unFisko-like behavior. With about 15 minutes left of class, Fisko decided to just stop lecture and walk out His class attendance has fell to around the door, where he promptly headed to the .500 mark, and his “Player Efficiency Culver‟s for an early lunch. Later that Rating” has plummeted to 11.0, according day, Mr. Fisko sat down with another to ESPN Insider, John Hollinger. one of our reporters, where he told us that “there‟s always tomorrow” and “there‟s When asked about his recent classroom more important stuff than teaching good performances, Mr. Fisko just shrugged [sic].” and replied, “I dunno. I‟m just not into teaching this year.” When asked what exactly was more important than teaching, Mr. Fisko simply In order to get a clearer picture into the shrugged, and went back to polishing off true nature of Mr. Fisko’s classroom ex- his Butterburger and small fry.
Photo by Andrew Bender ‟13 A camera detail assigned to follow celebrity educator Mr. Stephan Johnson spotted him in New York City last weekend, parking his brand new SUV in the middle of Times Square and tossing the keys to a random man walking past him.
Teachers in Eller hire highly-qualified elevator operator By Keith Bender ‟11 Last week, a student who had been using his elevator key, though his ankle injury was many weeks healed, was surprised to discover that he was not the sole occupant of Eller‟s elevator. He informed news outlets that it appears a coalition of teachers in the Scott and Laura Eller Center for the Fine Arts have hired an elevator operator, who, the student adds, is very skilled at his job. “At first, I just thought they dressed Mr. Danforth up in a bellhop‟s costume,” the
student, speaking anonymously for fear of experience in the elevator operations indusrevocation of his elevator key, told reporters. try. Scrawled at the top of the résumé in handwriting believed to be that of Mr. “But he had a British accent and asked me Scott Middlemist ’87 was “WE NEED what level I would be going to and every- THIS GUY!” thing. His name was Morton and he gave me a mint and held the door for me. It was The addition of Eller‟s elevator operator is awesome.” currently believed to be unrelated to the hiring of a new valet service for the faculty Though no official announcement of this in Piper. hiring has been made, a copy of Morton‟s résumé was found in the faculty meeting Right: Not Mr. Danforth in room‟s printer tray. Morton Topper, a London native, has extensive professional a bellhop’s costume.
BroncoLeaks reveal shocking campus secrets By Jack Welty ‟12 A batch of top-secret cables between teachers and members of the administration has been released this week, and the contents have shocked the Brophy community. The cables were released to the public in the form of Jing tutorials with the text clandestinely flashing on the screen and quickly changing to a real tutorial on Live Mesh. William Cleaver ’11, senior expert analyst in “being off task,” suggests this might be an elaborate ploy to make the cables more accessible to students. After an administration crackdown on the videos, the cables are now being disseminated through screenshots of Minecraft, with freshmen committed to the cause spending hours chiseling the messages into virtual cliff-faces. Some free-speech crusaders have even gone to such lengths as to write them in ancient technology such as Line Rider to evade detection. The cables were originally sent by highly encrypted email messages from teacher to teacher, leading to accusations that K13 had a major role to play in the conspiracy. Unconfirmed reports also suggest that the source of the leaks has been detained and is currently being held in the basement of Romley on allegations of failure to perform mandatory prefect duties. Other suspected conspirators have recently announced plans to flee to Dubai, Kenya, and Aus- FROM: F. GARNER TO: A. SCHMIDBAUER Hey, I’m running out of Our Lady of tralia in the coming months. Guadulupe Spray, do you think you could lend me a can? Gracias! While it is not yet clear who is responsible for the release of these cables, Roundup executives have FROM: T. SANFORD TO: B. WOODS announced that the person behind BroncoLeaks The math department is going to will be an automatic candidate for the newspaper‟s Streets of NY after school on FriMan of the Year award. day, are you coming? The Wrangler has obtained some of these sensitive cables and, in a spirit of commitment to truth in journalism, present them to readers for their information. Be warned, these cables contain very secret and sensitive communications between Brophy faculty.
FROM: T. DANFORTH TO: T. BROYLES Did you take my parking spot this morning? FROM: J. BUCHANAN TO: J. BOPP We have a breach, we have a breach! North sector! North sector!
Lacrosse preview: Team looking to be even chiller in 2011 By Kyle Padden ‟12 and Henry Miller ‟12 Last season saw Brophy win a state championship, with wins over the dangerously chill Chaparral Firebirds in the semifinals and then the farchiller Chandler Wolves in the state title game. The 2010 Broncos were led by a core group of seniors who many of the underclassmen looked up to because they “had a lot of swag and were pretty chill,” according to Hartford Sterling ’13. “We were pretty chill last year, but I think we can be even chiller this year. We are gonna make Chap-town look less chill than like Salpointe because we are so chill,” said sophomore attackman Benjamin Clemmons ’13. With Clemmons and many other returning varsity players, this year‟s team may be able to attain its goal of being chiller than last year. There is not much in-state competition outside of Chaparral and Saguaro. Additionally, word from reliable source WestSideLax.com is many top “duck rippers” from those schools quit to pursue other “past-times” that would have jeopardized their teams because of the recently instituted Arizona Lacrosse drug policy. When asked about these opposing players, starter Colin Canon ’12 replied, “I guess they just couldn‟t handle partying during lax season ‟cause they aren‟t that chill, but it‟s whatever.” Outside of the state of Arizona, Brophy will play at a tournament in San Francisco where the Broncos will compete against the chillest teams on the West Coast. “St. Ignatius has some pretty good players, but ‟Nado will be by far the chillest team we will play all year. Those bros don‟t even practice, they just get tan and chill every day. And their flow is ridiculous. We play them on April 20th which is pretty chill too, I guess,” said junior midfielder Brick Gaffi ’12. Regardless of what happens on the field, this year‟s Brophy varsity lacrosse team has already garnered a pre-season reputation for being one of the chillest teams in Arizona and the West Coast as well. Printed on recycled Roundups
The Flip Side
Correlation between Coolness and Indieness Examined By Jordan Bohannon ‟12
100%
80%
You own a cat.
Your cat shops at Urban Outfitters.
You are a cat.
You are Mr. Damaso.
Coolness 40%
20%
0%
44% The Great Brophy Scaven-
canal to school, mooring canoes on campus in a one-upping of last year‟s prank.
16% Foam. Lots of foam.
You see euro-noiseart bands on Tuesday nights after you do your AP Studio Art homework.
Mom, I‟m indie because I like Vampire Weekend, right?!?
Indieness
Brophy spurns Nike for TOMS in blockbuster endorsement deal By Kyle Padden ‟12 and Henry Miller ‟12
Nike and TOMS were the two biggest suitors for Brophy‟s signature. Nike sent its finest public relations wizards to Brophy‟s campus for lunchtime talks sponsored by the OFJ. It appeared as though Nike was going to win the battle for Brophy‟s signature after its final speaker cleverly deflected multiple questions about Nike‟s questionable working conditions and wages in Indonesia.
21% Flood campus and take the
You make your own clothes.
iPods don‟t capture the sounds of the Stylophone, vinyl forever!
After intense negotiations in the past month, Brophy Athletics has finally signed the athletic apparel deal that many students and athletes had been hoping for. That‟s right, Brophy is bringing TOMS to the playing field next year.
ger Hunt: place all of the furniture from teacher‟s offices in various locations around campus.
P4k is your Bible.
60%
administration decided “Brophy is not ready to enter an institutional partnership with a corporation at this time,” according to principal Mr. Bob Ryan. “With a corporation named Nike, of course,” Mr. Ryan added. “We are ready to enter an institutional partnership with a corporation that is named TOMS Shoes, though,” Mr. Ryan then announced.
The OFJ and administration felt that TOMS was the perfect candidate to supply Brophy athletic apparel and equipment because rather than exploiting laborers, TOMS actually donates a pair of shoes for “I don‟t know how he did it, but he just did- every pair of shoes that they sell, and world n‟t answer my question about the living peace is found in every stitch of new TOMS conditions of Nike employees. He started canvas running shoes. talking about how Nike didn‟t control their overseas contractors and then to visit the Brophy will begin wearing athletic uniforms website, and all of a sudden before I knew it and shoes manufactured by TOMS next he had moved to the next question,” said a year, rather than the previous Nike unisophomore that was left perplexed after the forms. The first set of TOMS uniforms will Nike presentation. be debuted in Brophy football‟s home opener Despite this high-caliber performance, the against rival Hamilton in the fall of 2011.
THE 2 SIDES OF Steve smith By Tucker Ring ‟11
Poll: What will the Class of 2011’s senior prank be?
12% Reverse Senior Ditch Day: You have no friends because friends are so conformist. You win.
show up at school on a Saturday night and have an epic party.
7% Day of solidarity with peaceful protesters, skip class and sing songs in the mall.
Student council candidate to use 4thgrade campaign techniques By Keith Bender ‟11 As Student Council elections draw near once again, members of the Class of 2014 are preparing their campaigns using time-tested 4th grade election tactics in hopes of winning the votes and hearts of their peers.
football field, and instating Megan Fox as Dean of Students.
Freshman football player Peter Thompson ’14 is planning to ride the wave of votes from his teammates into office.
“But I might not actually be able to do all of those things because of bureaucracy. You know how things work in the government,” he confided.
“Basically it‟s just like the things I said to get elected to 4th grade student council,” Thompson revealed.
“That should get me at least 100 votes… As of press time, no one knows how maybe 200 if the „A‟ team votes for me things work in the government. too,” Thompson told the Wrangler elecThe freshman is also planning to use the tions expert. Spanish version of his first name, Pedro, The fifth-string running back is expect- in an original slogan that he believes no ing that memories of his stellar season, one will suspect was borrowed from a which included spotting the ball in prac- movie “about Napoleon and dynamite or tice and “almost breaking a tackle in something.” that one game” will draw votes. “[My signs] are going to be great. I think In his official announcement for candida- I‟ll start working on them soon because cy, made during break while talking it‟s never too early and I‟ll probably use with friends in the Michael‟s line, the Photoshop to make them look extra awefreshman hinted to his closest advisers some. And then I‟ll put them up where that he would focus his campaign plat- people will see them, like by the lockers form on things like getting Taco Bell in and in elevators!” the Great Hall, a roller coaster on the
St. Francis Xavier middle school: New Diocesan powerhouse? By Kyle Padden ‟12 and Henry Miller ‟12 Brophy‟s long-held position at the top of the Diocese of Phoenix power rankings appears to be threatened by a previously dormant St. Francis Xavier middle school. Long seen as being little more than a hindrance to premium north lot parking spaces to much of the Brophy community, SFX has suddenly appeared as a force to be reckoned with.
Brophy football’s home uniforms for the 2011 season after the administration gives in to popular student demand to partner with a corporation. Editors Keith Bender ‟11 Henry Wilky ‟11 Photography Editor Michael Notestine ‟11 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ‟97 Mr. Steve Smith ‟96 Artistic Advisor Banksy
The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email: wrangler@brophybroncos.org
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2011
This sudden emergence has been spurred on by a new commitment to fundraising. A source close to SFX revealed to The Wrangler some of the top ideas discussed during a recent brainstorming process. These included sale of “skinny mint” cookies, recruiting celebrities for a televised concert (text SFX to 90999), and faking a natural disaster.
er Breakfast. Repackaging it as the “Power Brunch,” it has proved very effective, and funded the rapid completion of a new building, better known as “the monstrosity overlooking Loyola Field,” according to P.E. student Brian Tate ’14. In a surprise move interpreted as a response to SFX‟s surge, Brophy has announced the creation of the brand new middle school, Loyola Academy. Loyola Academy looks to challenge St. Francis Xavier in the crucial and competitive middle school market.
In addition, Fr. Reese, SJ held an emergency Power Breakfast along with an unprecedented joint meeting of the Brophy Dads Club and Mothers Guild to discuss the possibility of a second Brophy Auction and the creation of a “Power DinA commercial featuring puppies set to a ner.” Sarah McLachlan song was also said to be in the early stages of production. Also, it was announced on 3TV that five cents of every Tuesday Healthy Meal will However, SFX ultimately chose to borrow now be donated to the newly-created Opa play directly from the book of Brophy eration Beat SFX Middle School Fund. president Fr. Eddie Reese, SJ: the PowMission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.