The Wrangler May 2011 Edition Roman Numeral Nine
News in Briefs
Mr. Reithmann shocked to find student actually had talking pencil.
Moroccan Government seeks litigation against student council over copyright of phrase “Moroccan the Dance Floor”
Juniors experience a brief euphoria after Sneaking onto the Knoll
Debaters to be tested for performance enhancers
Students call for Mr. Higgins‟ long-form birth certificate
Brophy Senioritis vaccination drive fails
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Real. Comfortable. News.
AP Exams 2011: The art of the hand-turkey By Kyle Padden ‟12 With the temperatures once again soaring into triple digits, and students falling into nocturnal sleep patterns with only the latest edition of Princeton Review for comfort it can only mean one thing: AP season is once again upon us. In preparation for the exams, a Wrangler investigative journalist interviewed numerous AP readers and discovered that a properly done “Hand-Turkey” is the single most important factor when determining a student‟s score. One reader who spoke on condition of anonymity had this to say, “Reading essay after essay is tiresome, but when I come across a really good Hand-Turkey that has that „wow‟ factor, it stands out.”
neat trace using a pen to create a solid base as being of paramount importance for a successful HandTurkey. Dr. Samuel Ewing believes in the need for practice saying, “You have to be willing to draw a practice Hand-Turkey in the Green Booklet first; too many times I see kids that rush straight into the pink booklet and, as a result, make careless mistakes.” This was echoed by Mr. Dan Whitehead who said, “I can usually tell how a student did on his Hand-Turkey just by looking at the green booklet I get back.”
Interviews found Hand-Turkeys as being important factors on nearly every AP test. In fact, the only ones not to have cited it as part of their grade criteria were AP Studio Art This sentiment was shared by much and AP Chinese Language and Culof the Brophy faculty. Mr. Tom ture. Danforth ’78 cited getting a good,
A sample hand turkey quickly sketched out by Dr. Samuel E. Ewing. Demonstrating what AP readers are truly looking for in a “5” response.
OFJ responsible for oil prices, invents next year’s Summit topic By Rohan Keith Andresen ‟12 The Summit on Human Dignity has been an annual event for over half a decade, and many students are skeptical of whether there is anything left for the Summits to address in the coming years.
As oil prices rise to unprecedented highs, Americans point their blame towards the U.S. government. However, recent BroncoLeaks have released evidence that may link rising oil prices with the OFJ‟s need for a topic for next year‟s Summit on HuRumored Summit topics for next year in- man Dignity. clude: “Water: From Sink to Glass,” “Protecting Life...on Mars,” and “Eustace Recent research has shown that Mrs. Conway: Where is He Now?” However, the Kimberly Baldwin, accompanied by Office of Faith and Justice has another Mrs. Sue Hornbeck, has made frequent plan in mind. trips to Saudi Arabia and was seen leav-
Higgins plans first reign of terror By Austin Tymins ‟13 The benevolent Dean Bopp is stepping down in order for a new behemoth to have his chance in the sunlight. Mr. Higgins (also known as the Khrushchev of Keating or the Spanish Strangler) will take over as dean. Mr. Higgins demands strict military-like discipline from everyone in the Foreign Language Department, and plans to take the same attitude to governing the school. All teachers and students are subject to his impossible demands. According to a new poll conducted by The Wrangler, a student is nearly twice as likely to get JUGged in Keating as he is in any other building. Higgins was famous for dominating the narrow hall‟s of Keating. A student resting his legs out in the hallway could expect a few harsh words in his direction should Higgins walk by or a well-placed kick in the shins.
ing a conference on fossil fuels with Hilla- known as one of the fiercest negotiators in ry Clinton, an ambassador of the United foreign oil disputes and is feared amongst Arab Emirates, and the CEO of Exxon. the Arabic oil tycoons. Mrs. Baldwin denies the alleged sighting and responded that the trips to the Middle East were for Catholic school seminars discussing different types of Communion bread.
In addition to Mrs. Hornbeck’s diplomatic power, the OFJ has been approved the ability to secretly send teachers overseas into the United Arab Emirates to secure interests abroad.
Contrary to a preconceived, congenial reputation, Mrs. Hornbeck has become
Brophy Wall tumbles By Henry Miller ‟12
term “Saturday JUH” is a bit of a misnomer because they aren‟t just on Saturday; they instead last from Friday afternoon to Monday morning. New policy changes under the new dean include a disciplinary action for spitting on campus and breaking character on Spanish Tuesdays. Violation of either rule will result in a Saturday JUH. Refusing to acknowledge him on campus with a casual “hola” will also lead to disciplinary action. It would be uncharacteristic of the Conjugation Crusher to leave his post without a clear heir. Most experts believe Mr. Ramsey will take over as disciplinarian. His impressive performance at the Hoopcoming Dance earned him enough “Higgins Points” to barely edge out Sra. Steffens.
History was made last week when the Brophy Wall separating the seniors from the outside world of freedom crumbled. Amidst the chants of “Lasst uns nach hause gehen!” meaning “let‟s go home” (roughly translated from German via GoogleTranslate), the enraged students inhabiting the South Knoll tore down the Wall to rejoin their brethren on the Middle Knoll. The Wall was originally constructed by the Soviet-supported dictator Bopp to keep the seniors who inhabit the mall separated into the North and South Knolls. “I remember when the Wall went up when I was a freshman, and I was separated from by best friend from 8th grade,” said Franz Christopher „11. There is speculation that the destruction of the wall separating the knolls was masterminded by Mr. Pat Higgins. Higgins recently staged a very successful coup d‟etat to overthrow former dean, Jim Bopp. Those who enjoy conspiracy theories may believe this to be part of a larger plan instated by Mr. Bob Ryan as part of his Ryan Doctrine to stop the spread of senior anarchy. Many believe that if the two knolls are reunited then the Seniors will stop their chanting and shenanigans and go peacefully to their graduation. After the fall of the Brophy Wall, Ryan gave a stirring speech in which he said, “Ich bin ein Senior.” The fall of the Brophy Wall marks the end of an era ripe with increasing turmoil and strife.
No longer will detention be known as JUG under Higgins, it will now be known as JUH standing for Justice under Higgins. As you may have presumed, JUH is much worse than JUG. JUH‟s must be served at 2:00 am and last until school starts at 8:00am. The
Above: The Remnants of the once-great BrophyWall
Printed on recycled Roundups
The Flip Side
WAR! A briefing of the Knoll vs. Stoop hostility By Darryl Monteilh ‟11 When I say war, you may think of the American Revolution, D-Day, COD, or the chaotic anarchy of scratching and hair-pulling featured on any given episode of Real Housewives. All are events that have shaped and defined our nation, and one could even say that they are intrinsic to our current position of power. However, my fellow Broncos, we can no longer feign ignorance of the new civil war that is developing in our own backyard. This nasty blood feud has but only two families. The first goes by the name of Knoll. These brutes of seniors, expansionist by nature, seek to dominate every patch of grass in the school. Although they do not like the nickname, more and more students are beginning to refer to them as “Knoll Trolls” due to their incessant use of the word “Bro” and their penchant for backwards caps. They can be seen wrestling each other and gorging themselves in the middle of the mall, on a patch of land known simply as Mother Knoll. The next family in this timeless rivalry is a small group of seniors who have but recently emerged from the trenches of anonymity. For years they sat scattered: on the front lawn, in the Info Commons, and in that really hard to point out hallway next to the chapel (you know, that one place kinda by Romley). But now, they have banded together, and have since claimed the Stoop as the heart of their growing kingdom. The Stoop, for those who may not know, is the right group of stairs to the Robson gymnasium when looking at it from Brophy Hall. Stoop kids are very much the polar opposites of Knoll Trolls. Being of a more refined nature, they count a good book as being a good friend. They are slower to anger and are also open to all underclassmen, unlike strictly senior fraternity of Knoll Trolls. They laugh, cry, paint, compose, and although they are outnumbered, will defend what is rightfully theirs. This turf war began when both sides began to fall more and more into the clutches of nationalistic pride. Knoll Trolls took up the amusing, yet highly un-original chant of,
the musical savvy that is required to handle the wilds of the Stoop. It was not long after that the Stoops repopulated the area (actually the next day), and swore to themselves that such a massacre would never happen again. Those of the Stoop waited and waited, seeking the perfect opportunity to strike. I was there that afternoon, observing the proceedings with Ms. Guffey from the Bronco Fountain. That day, either for a lacrosse game or a screening of “Never Back Down” in the SAC, there were fewer Knoll kids in sight. Soccer ball in hand, one of the Stoop kids crossed the border between Knoll and Stoop, and began to play Soccer on their grass. There is nothing that Knoll Trolls value more than the luscious, soft grass of Mother Knoll. They quickly took offense when they saw the feet of Pictured: The high war council of the Stoop Stoop kids invading and trampling sweet Mother Troll. For those of the Stoop it did not matter that the land was une“Stoop Kids Afraid to leave the Stoop.” This did not sit well ven. It did not matter that the goals were not the proper with the Stoop kids, who retaliated with strings of words size. The only thing that did matter to those proud Stoop that a many of the Knoll kids had trouble understanding. kids was that they had finally taken their revenge. Eventually small arguments have escalated into a series of small skirmishes. Knoll kids began raiding the Stoop in an To this day the rivalry between Knoll and Stoop remains attempt to gain control of the Mall. After annexing a small bitter. In fact, the fight has gotten so deep that it is no flower bed next to the Stoop, they were able to shuttle longer even clear how it began. Numerous other problems troops in and out of the area with ease. It was not long have come up, such as the Knoll claiming that the Stoop before they finally struck. Three of them approached the only wants Mother Knoll because of her vast oil reserves. Stoop in a diplomatic manner, saying that they only And on the other hand, a recent BroncoLeaks revealed sought a simple conversation between compatriots. Little that the Knoll Trolls were saying less than kind words did the Stoop know that a Thumbersen solider lurked in about numerous Stoop kids. Recent indications point to the shadows of the gym colonnade. Without warning, said both sides seeking an alliance with the disorganized, yet soldier grabbed three Stoop backpacks and ran. The after- potentially potent Juniors of North Knoll. math was a feeding frenzy on the suddenly depleted Stoop As the war wages on, only one thing remains certain: it kingdom. Backpacks were being taken left and right and will get worse before it will get better. many perfectly good drinks were spilled. The AP Spanish 5 This has been a report from an unbiased, completely unexam at Xavier suddenly led to a depleted Stoop popula- caring 3rd party observer who only seeks victory for the tion, the Knoll kids quickly attempted to establish a colony Stoo—I mean peace. on a portion of the Stoop. They attempted to call it their own but soon realized they did not have the gumption nor
Email to seniors reveals Dean Bopp’s unresolved childhood issues with pillows
Op-Ed: Where are our life-like droids for the light saber fight? By Sean Cahill ‟12 Every year on May 4th, Brophy students all around the campus are filled with the power of the Force. Everyone, that is, except for the Robotics Club. Time after time, they continually disappoint us with their lack of intuition and creativity, which results in absolutely no underpowered Empire robots to unleash Jedi skills upon. Quite frankly, the demand for them is obvious and they know it. It‟s not like people are requesting a clone of General Grievous or a super cool Boba Fett jet pack (okay, maybe Mr. Middlemist wants it). All the students are really asking for is just a simple humanoid droid that can walk upright, have a mind of its
own, fire laser guns with tactical precision, speak up to 25 phrases that a typical droid would say that‟s directly quoted from the movies and explode on contact when tapped with a plastic light saber. Honestly, how lazy do you have to not make at least 500 of those in a school year? I think I can speak on behalf of the whole student body when I say that the lack of efforts of the Robotics Club truly bring a depressing vibe on the school for all future light saber wars to come. The only other words I have for the Robotics club are the wise and true words of Master Yoda: “Do or do not. There is no try.”
Sustainable Future Club finds solution to world energy crisis
By Tucker Ring „11 Editors Keith Bender ‟11 Henry Wilky ‟11 Photography Editor Michael Notestine ‟11 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ‟97 Mr. Steve Smith ‟96 Artistic Advisor Mr. Brainwash
The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email: wrangler@brophybroncos.org
Photo by Evan Hastings ‟12
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2011
Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.