The Wrangler February 2014 Edition Roman Numeral Thirty-Two
News in Briefs
Seniors attempt to drop all seven classes
Pool construction begins; upperclassmen foresee decline in ticket sales for pool on the gym roof
Student publicly states that he has managed to “live the fifth”; Pope declares him a heretic
Samford University emails voted biggest let down by Stanford hopefuls
Mrs. Parise overrun with students complaining of Flappy Bird addiction
Wrangler offering free internship to Myspace subscribers
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Real. Comfortable. News.
Newest WikiLeaks release provides evidence of plot by Mr. Schmidbauer ’88 By Seth Harris ’14 The latest release by WikiLeaks includes a cable from Mr. Andy Schmidbauer ’88, the chair of the World Language Department, to Dean of Students Mr. Patrick Higgins. The cable relates Mr. Schmidbauer’s plans to force teachers to leave. In one email from three years ago, Mr. Schmidbauer celebrates the successful removal of Mr. Fred Garner. Mr. Schmidbauer notes that he was pleased by Mr. Garner’s subsequent move. He told the WikiLeaks informant that he would try to force as many teachers in the department out of the country as he could. He soon forgot about his goal. Last year, after The Wrangler broke the story about the tech department’s cloning of him, Mr. Schmidbauer decided he needed to find teaching positions for his clones. In order to do this, he needed to remove teachers. As of the time this issue went to press, The Wrangler has con-
The Wrangler’s New Year’s Resolutions By AK Alilonu ’16
firmed two more removals orchestrated by Mr. Schmidbauer: the removals of Ms. Rebecca Walters, Ms. Campana, and Ms. Maria Dominguez. Ms. Walters is moving to Switzerland next month, while Ms. Campana was “coerced” to enjoy Renaissance art in Florence. Most recently, Ms. Dominguez has been forced to go to Guatemala on “her own terms”. Ernest X. Patriate ’14 observed Mr. Schmidbauer walking through Ms. Dominguez’s now-deserted room. Patriate says, “He was laughing and lounging in her chair. Well – what used to be her chair. I had wondered why he was so happy to see her gone. Now, with these WikiLeaks, we know.” The Wrangler has requested an interview with Mr. Higgins, which he has declined. His office released an official statement, yesterday, that reads: “We are not aware of any wrongdoing on Mr. Schmidbauer’s part.”
Investigation of Brophy Hall odor reveals Chamber of Secrets By Anand Swaminathan ’15 For weeks, Brophy students and faculty have been victim to a noticeably pungent odor in Brophy Hall. Upon further investigation, the Brophy administration has revealed that the source of the odor has been a Chamber of Secrets hidden within the plumbing network of the building.
Senioritis: laughable condition, or serious illness? Editorial by Nick Lydon ’14 The second semester is upon us, and many exciting events are ahead for Brophy’s student body. Though the Summit on Human Guilt and the May the 4th celebration are quickly approaching, neither comes close to the spectacle that is the annual Great Hibernation of the second semester seniors. In reality, the Great Hibernation is a misnomer; it is simply a state of sleepwalking induced by excessive work from six to seven semesters. The most common symptoms include an excess of missing assignments, frequent “tardies,” and attempts at having all 7 class periods resched-
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uled into free periods. A handful of seniors each year retain some immunity to this disease, baffling scientists throughout the Piper community. The only thing that these few upperclassmen have in common is an excessive amount of trihedral hardonites, leading to their name “try hards” for short. Maybe the DNA of these overly hardworking individuals will someday be utilized to create a cure for those without antibodies. Or not. I don’t really know. I think I’m just going to take a nap or watch some Netflix or something. Deuces.
Mr. John Buchanan, head of school security, explained the situation with a firsthand account: “It all started one morning when I was slicking my hair back in the Brophy Hall bathroom. I was humming some old Parseltongue tunes and, suddenly, one of the faucets shifted into a doorway. I followed the entrance and found an underground cavern with the words “I AM LORD BRONCO” inscribed on the walls. It seems that this was an elaborate senior prank from the 1920’s to interfere with our school plumbing and to terrorize the nostrils of students today.”
effective in student awakening. In the end, members of the Brophy security staff were able to seal the Chamber of Secrets and fix the plumbing breakage by wielding the famed Duct Tape of Loyola, an artifact held on Brophy grounds for over fifty years. This tool was used in close companionship with the renowned Toilet Plunger of Francis. With the discovery and sealing of Brophy’s Chamber of Secrets, school officials have also now voided discussions of a possible school closure. Mr. Bob Ryan, Headmaster at Brophy, stated, “We no longer have to fear for the safety of our students. We had lost too many students to the petrifying odors of our own halls. Fifty points to Mr. B!”
On his part, Mr. Buchanan has left the Chamber of Secrets and has returned to the even more harrowing Mr. Buchanan’s story corroborates world of lunch line supervision. reports of student petrification that However, the mysteries of the Chamhave been circulating over the past ber of Secrets still linger in his mind. few weeks. As school officials now explain, the overwhelming smell had He said, “I learned my lesson with been traveling through pipes and casual-snake talk and, in the end, I turning students to stone with its think we fixed the place well. But one sheer terror. Although over a dozen thing I still don’t get is why Mr. boys were reduced to this state of paDanforth was lying unconscious on ralysis, the cry of the Coach Gathe ground with his diary next to lante, as demonstrated in a recent him.” school mass, has been remarkably Printed on recycled Roundups
The Flip Side
Exposé: Kolb’s healthy eating throws Earth equilibrium out of whack By Eddie Faillace ’14
Mr. Patrick Kolb is a gentle, timid, and benign man who holds upon his shoulders the balance of all that is good and sacred in our universe. He is known for his delight in tasty, sugary goods, but, inexplicably, Mr. Kolb has altered his diet to be more nutritious by shopping for locallygrown produce, eating vitamin and mineral supplements, and consuming his daily servings of the five major food groups. However, interns working at The Wrangler have pointed out that Mr. Kolb’s diet is in direct conflict with The Law of Conservation of Mass, which states that matter cannot be created nor destroyed. Mr. Kolb’s
dieting is poking holes in one of the fundamental constants of the universe! Earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, and tsunamis are happening all over the world! Well, not exactly, but there is that Polar Vortex thing making the weather cold. I think? If that is not undeniable proof then, then The Wrangler isn’t real, comfortable news. When interviewed about his healthy living, Mr. Kolb stated, “I was walking around with my wife-person lady, and we saw this perfectly fine television on the side of the road. So I hauled it back to my place and started watching the health network. Is that a Canon camera you’re using? Can I have that?” Classic Mr. Kolb.
Student continues to battle for last minute grade bumps
As our beloved planet’s future faces almost certain annihilation, a lone brave man came forward to save the world and restore the balance. That solid and hardy fellow was the one and only Mr. Steve Smith ’96. He has conserved Mr. Kolb’s excess matter directly into his own perfect biceps. Those works of art have grown tenfold recently. If you haven’t seen them already, really, go check them out. Mr. Smith has done everyone a first -rate favor and the world is again at peace. If you see him, make sure to compliment those bulbous biceps, and thank him for his sacrifice.
“An apple a day keeps the Earth’s equilibrium away”
#1 Creed tribute band, “Creedatine” performs at Brophy mass
By Anand Swaminathan ’15
With arms wide open, Coach Galante summons a pack of wild American bald eagles to the scene; photo by Kyle Scheuring ’15
Photos courtesy of the National Security Agency
Editors
The Wrangler is seeking student
Edward Joseph Faillace IV ’14 writers and contributors. Jared Balbona ’14 Interested? Email: Nicholas Lydon ’14 Wrangler@brophybroncos.org Photography Editor Chandan Saini ’14 Copy Editor Seth Harris ’14 A.M.D.G. Moderators The Wrangler © 2014 Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Artistic Advisor Mr. Tom Danforth ’2000 and Late
Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.