The Wrangler
September 2014 Edition Roman Numeral Thirty-six
News in Briefs
Parking Rules for this year: 1 driver, 1 carpool, 3 canines, 7 rodents, 2.4 quarts of unpasteurized milk
Gardening club announces new motto: “Turnip or Transfer”
Introspective freshmen contemplate life with long walks by the pool
Mr. Higgins turns to binge jugging after 3 month sobriety period
Freshman who got “sixteen numbers” at Frosh Mixer now the king of Class of 2018
ALS Ice Bucket Challenge inspires sequel Hypothermia Challenge
Overly-earnest freshman shows up to Red Army tailgate with hammer and sickle Schedule includes Big Brothers/Little Brothers mid-quarter, postluncheon afternoon tea
Anarchy looking more and more appealing to student with a C- in government class
Football team destroys Bishop Gorman tapes on principle of “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
Real. Comfortable. News.
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Shark infestation of pool on gym roof prompts construction of new aquatic center
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By: Anand Swaminathan ’15 While many members of the Brophy community have greeted the inauguration of the new Brophy Aquatic center with tremendous enthusiasm, few people were aware of the conditions under which it was built. New reports from the Conference of Catholic Schools Pools indicate that the construction of a new pool was in fact not motivated by a desire for new facilities. Instead, the move was prompted by a shark infestation of a beloved spot on Brophy’s campus: the pool on the gym roof. “I was just going for another 3 a.m. swim atop Robson Gymnasium,” recounted Mr. Danforth ’68, “I was doing my usual routine: a 10 centimeter butterfly relay with myself, a test to see how long I could hold my breath (trying to beat my best of 3 seconds), and a splash fight with the moon. Then suddenly, I saw a huge shark fin emerge from the opposite end of the pool. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I jumped off the roof, ran to my Hummer, and lay huddled in the trunk until morning, too petrified to move a muscle.” The morning after Danforth’s encounter, the Brophy maintenance team was alerted of the disturbance and quickly rushed to the scene. By the time they arrived, the authorities were horrified to find a fullscale infestation of the pool, with hundreds of sharks patrolling both the shallow and deep areas of the water. First responders, such as Ms. Sherri Stephens, report “a scene of desolation,” with countless shark fins streaming through the pool, surrounded by a massive clutter of floaties, speedos, and a handful of Disney Princess Dive sticks. These items, it should be noted, were all later claimed by Mr. Danforth. Mr. John Buchanan explained the situation: “These weren’t just your run of the mill, friendly neighborhood sharks that were swimming through our waters.
Poll Responses: Is the world getting bigger or are freshmen getting smaller? By: Joe Welty ’16 and Anand Swaminathan ’15
SPOTTED: Sharks patrol the pool situated on Robson Gymnasium while the rest of the Brophy populace hides in fear
I’m talking great whites, I’m talking tigers, I’m talking hammerheads, I’m talking goshdarn Galapagos Bullhead sharks. Heck, I think I even glimpsed an elusive Cobblers Wobbegong shark! Clearly, something was wrong with our pool and it was not safe for our community.” Brophy science teachers are blaming the shark invasion on changes in nearby ecosystems, notably the pollution of the Brophy/Central Canal. According to this hypothesis, the rising level of student tears from begging not to run the mile has increased temperatures in the canal and, resultantly, spurred a mass migration of sharks to the pool on the gym roof. Many community members are also blaming the aquatic infiltration on the torrential rains which racked the greater Phoenix area. Mr. Brad Shear explained: “Some claim that the recent storm included a shark-filled tornado that deposited these fish onto the Robson Gymnasium roof. The idea of clouds raining sharks in Arizona has been deemed more plausible than the idea of clouds raining actual water.” Regardless of the cause, the Brophy administration was forced to react to the shark infestation and construct a new
pool on the plot of land bordering St. Francis Xavier Middle School and Xavier College Preparatory. The administration also took special precautions with the Freshman Swim Test and Big Brother/ Little Brother Brotherhood day, making sure to fully staff the new pool with 7,895 lifeguards on the lookout for rogue sharks. Mr. Ryan summed up the situation: “Obviously, the loss of the old pool will haunt our school for some time to come. In the meantime, however, it’s our job to enjoy full use of our new facilities. It is our goal as a school to make sure that every student knows how to swim, whether that be in shark-infested or pubescent boy -infested waters, by the time he graduates.” While the rest of the community has moved onto the new aquatic center, a small coalition of students and teachers has persisted in trying to rid the beloved pool of its shark intruders. The last attempt by this coalition, it is rumored, was to reinstate the services of the legendary “Harmonica Man,” in the hopes that his mysterious, yet righteous melodies would send the sharks back to depths
from which they had emerged.
Apocalypse looms as water falls from the sky, warns of biblical annihilation By: Anand Swaminathan ’15 As the greater Phoenix area was overtaken by record-setting rain and wind, many students and teachers at Brophy have begin to suspect that the recent downpour portends something more fearsome than just another storm. Particularly, several community members have started to worry that these tumultuous rains are an omen of a coming darkness. “It’s very clear to me, explained Theology teacher Tom Donlan, “that the torrential rain and flooding signifies that we have provoked the wrath of a much higher power. Raindrops? More like God’s teardrops at the ceaseless depravity of our modern civilization. Our culture of heathen immorality and pagan sinfulness has finally reached its limits. And, by God, are we going to pay for it…” Latest reports from the Brophy Maintenance Department indicate that the rains spurred massive water damage, fully flooding the front lawn, the baseball field, and even a conveniently located Olympic –pool sized cavern between Brophy and Xavier. Brophy maintenance workers report that the costs of repair will be large; though not as large, they claim, as the coming cost to “our souls.” In addition, many students were surprised to find that school had been canceled due to the unprecedented storm and flooding.
CHECK THIS OUT: Desolation incurred by ominous flooding of Brophy campus Below is an excerpt from the Dean’s Office message relayed to each family by phone: “Attention all Brophy students, we would like to inform you that school had been cancelled today due to the flooding around town. We ask that all students obey this disembodied voice, take two of every kind of animal, board a ship, and immediately flee the impending annihilation. Do remember, please, that if you are planning to anchor your ship in Brophy waters, you will need another student fleeing with you.”
Printed on recycled Roundups
Student Council drops ice bucket on entire “Frost Mixer,” spontaneously cures ALS By: Max Kufel ’15 The annual “Frosh Mixer” took place on August 22nd, bringing together the freshman classes of Brophy and Xavier so they could share a preliminary dance to start the year. This year, Brophy Student Council tweaked the name of the dance to “Frost Mixer,” to better accommodate the ice/winter theme, as explained by STUCO member Jeff Tytens ’16. Tytens stated: “We wanted this year to be different. In other words, we wanted to change the stigma of Frosh Mixer as a swamp-like soiree of pubescent perspiration, machine fog, and bitter tears from shattered innocence.
lights came on and then ‘BAM!’ All those sweatcovered freshmen were suddenly cooled off with a dose of thousands of gallons of ice and ice water slamming into their faces! Wow, what a way to raise awareness for the dance and ALS. Even better, I got like 10 retweets from the video!” Members of Student Council, however, failed to predict that this grandiose Ice Bucket Challenge would immediately cure all bouts of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) disease throughout the world. Thousands of patients worldwide were exhilarated to find that their debilitating illnesses had shockingly vanished, all spurred by the dropping of ice fragments onto unsuspecting heads. It should be noted, that these cured patients now suffer the side-effect of perpetual-bass-drop-longing-for-syndrome. Student Council members are still living in awe of their accomplishment, namely proving that a peer-pressure induced social media craze could actually produce something of real value and legitimate change.
Student Council members, however, reportedly did not feel that the “Frost Mixer” theme could properly be executed without also including an ode to the national phenomenon known as the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Resultantly, the Class of 2018 was treated to a swift surprise at the conclusion of the dance: a massive downpour of ice onto their unprotected craniums. A gargantuan bucket preemptively placed above the dance floor gave way to a cascading barrage of ice shards upon the already disoriented, hor- Another unseen consequence of the Frost Mixer Ice mone-crazed tweens. Student Council representative Bucket Challenge was that immediately after the Snoe Winthers ’15, recounted the episode: “The downpour, an assortment of global conflicts, includ-
The Wrangler’s guide to freshman year:
ing Israel and Gaza, Russia and Ukraine, the Ebola outbreak, and the Ferguson riots, all concluded peacefully in a triumphant display of global cooperation and peace. The population of polar bears around the world has taken a dramatic upturn, and grass throughout the planet is now being described by biologists as "more green". In a shocking turn of events, it was also recently discovered that Michael Jackson and Tupac are not only alive, but also days away from releasing an album together, entitled, "When Everyone Thinks You're Dead but You're Not: Thanks Ice Bucket Challenge!”
Rejected Red Army shirt designs By: AK Alilonu ’16
By: Jack Toolan ’17 and Anand Swaminathan ’15 Many freshman students begin their first year with unfortunate emotions such as anxiety, confusion, and/or confidence. The Wrangler has, as a result, compiled a comprehensive list of helpful tips on how to properly “frosh.” • When a teacher threatens to discipline you with a JUG or chiding comment, remember to use this magic phrase: "Do you know who my Dad is?!" • You will make friends to last a lifetime here. Make sure you greet them with a mischievous tickle and shy giggle every time you see them. • “Bro” is the most highly-esteemed term of endearment here. Make sure to beef up your lexicon with derivations of this word, such as: “Broseph,” “Brodood,” “Broguy,” “Broacquaintance,” “Bromad,” “Broenemy,” “BroguyIamindifferentto,” “Brobae.” • When you have exhausted all other lunch spots, try grabbing a bite smack dab in the middle of the basketball court. Having a rogue basketball knock your teeth out while you were preparing to sink those very teeth into a sandwich is always a special treat. • Things that belong on the ground: shoes, grapes, backpacks (in classrooms), carpet, also grapes. And did we mention grapes? • “Mass Dress” is an administration-imposed attempt to enforce conformity. Let them know who’s in charge by showing up to devotion days with offbrand polo's and not-Sperry’s. Warning: This one takes a lot of courage. • Question everything. Obtain a DNA test to determine whether that guy masquerading as your “big brother” is actually your brother. • The 2nd commandment is strictly enforced at all times. Except when you come across Coach Heideman. Be sure to pay your respects to the Lord of Brophy with a proper ritual of 25 push-ups and a prolonged recitation of the word “212” for five minutes straight. • Don’t be the total loser who does his work several days ahead of the deadline, studies adequately for all assessments, actively participates in class, learns self-discipline, masters time-management, obtains a competitive GPA, wins the love and admiration of his peers and teachers, graduates at the top of his class, matriculates into Harvard, launches a successful career, and establishes a reputation for himself. Mostly because this course of action is reserved for The Wrangler staff members only.
Editors Anand Swaminathan ’15 Alec Gonzales ’15 Photography Editor Aneel Kang ’16 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Eater of Non-Human Food Waffles the Dog
So you think you’re funny, eh? Well, so do we! The Wrangler is seeking student contributors. Wrangler@brophybroncos.org A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2014
Clubs to watch out for at Club Fair: By: Joe Welty ’16 and Anand Swaminathan ’15 -Club for Joining 20 Other Clubs at Club Fair and Only Showing Up to the First Meeting Club
-The Roundup (please watch out for this club so you can steal their stuff and mock their club members)
-Minecraft Club
-Club That was Merely Formed so That Mr. Ward Could Advertise That Brophy Has Over 100+ Student Clubs at New Parent Meetings Club
-Minecraft for Windows Club -Minecraft for iOS Club -Minecraft for Real Life Club
-Club That You Don’t Actually Know What It Does But It Has Cool Toys/ Gadgets so You’ll Join it Club
-Minecraft Club in Case of Intergalactic, Space-time Continuum Rift Club
-Club with Members so Overlysolicitous that You Will Write Your -Club for Those Who Deliberately Come Name Down just to Appease Them Club to School at 8:00am and Leave at 3:00pm Club -Club that genuinely sparks your interest and will occupy your time here at -Club That Set up its Station Right in Brophy in a thoughtful, devoted manFront of You and You’re About to Walk ner (a club that is perennially overratRight into it Club ed) -Club for Cynical Jerks Like the Author of this List Club
-The Wrangler (the most respected, read, and relished publication at Brophy College Preparatory. Often referred to as the Harvard-launcher, Presidentmaker, etc.)
Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.