The Wrangler
October 2014 Recap Edition Roman Numeral Thirty-seven
News in Briefs Coach Galante desperately
seeking help from support group “Toe-Shoes Anonymous”
Change of seasons brings
exciting opportunity for students to reinvent wardrobe with Polo, Polo, and more Polo
High School Musical
reignites school’s collective childhood crush on Zac Efron
Coach Heideman deliber-
ately injures arm to impose sets of one-armed pushups on self Work-filled Fall Break
provides much needed rest from rigors of work-filled regular school schedule
Prospective families at
Open House amazed by dogs on campus, Jesuit education, impressive facilities, dogs on campus
New “Senior Synthesizer”
class introduced for students to reflect on bass levels in past four years Donlan stirs controversy
with how Ignatius would respond to ICEES
Mr. Walsh to offer three
million dollars cash to whoever can recover his beanie
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Existential crisis ensues as student can't choose between Pikachu and Charmander costumes By: AK Alilonu ’16
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Brophy junior Ash Ketzum '16 is currently facing a pivotal decision as to whether he should go as Pikachu or Charmander this Halloween.
possess the likeness of a burning tail. Mark me, might there be some sign in the life of the mysterious pyromancer from which we might derive the purpose to our lives? Could it be that the great lizard embodies "I mean, I always thought that carrying the summation of human progress? Be he Charmander's burning tail around on Hal- a light to the human race? Is he the mortal loween night would be a unique path tofoe of Smokey the Bear? Exactly how sick wards fulfilling St. Ignatius' call to 'set the are the burns that I will be able to deliver world on fire', but Pikachu is simply a clas- by following his example?" sic," he is reported to have said by his parents, before spiraling downward into an In recent days, Ketzum has begun to ever-deepening state of angst and malaise. question whether or not there is meaning His lack of decidedness, the geek claims, to it all anyway. He has been seen engaged stems from the philosophical implications in impassioned discussions with Brophy of choosing which Pokémon to masquerTheology teachers about the “benevelonce” ade as. of an all-knowing, all-powerful God who would be “cruel enough” to make a Pika"I am fully convinced that there has been chu and a Charmander and then force his no more perfect example of the liberty that creation to choose between the two. our Founding Fathers fought for than Pikachu. His cheeks are stained with the Friends and family of Ketzum report that blood of those who gave their lives to the the junior now spends his days aimlessly American cause. The enemies of freedom walking around in a circular Pokéball patare stricken by the beauty of his gaze, the tern during each spare moment he has. boldness of his sleek yellow coat. That and The most recent footage captures the boy the kilowatts of electricity he is somehow walking alone, lost in thought, and mutterable to spontaneously produce at will. Ac- ing to himself: “the embers, the thundertually, he could use all that to solve the stone, Nietzsche, God is dead…gotta catch energy crisis and other world problems, ‘em all…God-to catch ‘em all…” but instead chooses to work for the personal benefit of a fortunate few. It appears POKÉ-PICTURED TO THE RIGHT: he's more American than I imagined,” exKetzum must decide between these two plained the Brophy junior. pictured costumes for Halloween. As shown, the Charmander exudes a combiKetzum continued: “Alas, but who is like nation of youthful buoyancy and deadly unto Charmander? Be there another one of evolutionary potential. Meanwhile, the God's creations that can carry his flame? gleeful look of the Pikachu below belies a Only man has too been trusted with the beloved ferocity and electric might. sacred gift of fire, and even so, does not
The Wrangler’s Tips for Avoiding EBROLA By: Tommy Fournier ’15 & Trev Lewis ’17 & Maanik Chotalla ’16
School deploys Scuba Club after Loch Ness Monster sighting in canal By: Paul Bullington ’16 & Cole Malkoff ’15
1. Don’t share polos: No matter if your bro has the newest Ralph Lauren flex-fit athletic polo, don’t share it. Your bro has Ebrola, you get his sweat on you, now you have Ebrola.
2. Your polos can never be too tight. The less
room between your biceps and your sleeves, the less room the Ebrola has to sneak up into your brain and start forming coherent thoughts and prompting you to put down that lax spoon.
3. Spend more time around girls. Talking about shoe shopping ad nauseam has been proven to kill Ebrola. Though increasing your time spent around or near girls increases the chances of contracting matrimonameasles.
4. Try to refrain from Google hangouts, group
texts, and sporting events. All these events will strengthen your relationship with your 'bros' leaving you at an extremely high risk for infection.
5. Avoid people who use certain “Ebrola trigger
words.” Common triggers are, “bruh,” “brah,” “bro,” and, “brother.”
6. To keep your reputation as an Ebrola free man, Here are some unisex, Ebrola-safe alternative
words to use in place of the common trigger words mentioned above. From now on, refer to your bros as "comrade," "friend," “fraternal-relation-sharer,” "buddy," and "ghost toaster."
7. Look out for the people who flex when they look at mirrors. This indicates that the Ebrola has reached its highest point, and that there is no more hope for said bro.
8. Lick the swing set at your local park. Ebrola cannot infect someone who is already sick. 9. Substitute carpooling with your bros for public transportation. Crowded buses and Light Rail have too many possible hosts for Ebrola.
10. Replace the action movies your bros have seen for romantic comedies. The sappy feelings and cliché dialogue are proven to create an impenetrable barrier that separates you from bros and Ebrola.
THIS WAY: A shadowy, ominous beast of considerable stature is discernible from a distanced view of the canal CENTRAL AVENUE -- Brophy administrators were startled when a speedo-clad freshman barged into Romley Hall claiming he had seen a sea monster lurking in the Central Avenue canal. According to witness testimonies, the terrified first-year, freshly finished from a mile-run and Membean session, described the creature as a “shadowy leviathan, akin to Loch Ness Monster of the greater Scottish lands.” “What you have here is a classic case of mythical beast displacement,” explained Brophy biology teacher Mr. Patrick Kolb, who was consulted by school officials to explain the stirring sighting. He continued: “People don’t realize it, but over three thousand mythical beasts are displaced every year due to climate change and habitat destruction. It is also very possible that this monster is simply the genetic abomination of some mutated fish. With years of accumulated sweat, tears, vomit, and screams from Brophy students having to run the mile, I would entertain the possibility of some large-scale biological mutation.”
Though community members have not reached a consensus on the origins of this monster, most agree that the cesspool of darkness and dirt that is the canal on Central perfectly suits a creature of the Loch Ness Monster’s size and living habits. Wanting more information, however, school administrators deployed the newlyfounded Scuba Club to investigate the depths of the canal. The Scuba Club dove into the canal on the morning of October 27th, clad with high-tech gear to properly equip them against the dangers of having contact with the Central Avenue canal. Onlookers were surprised to find the divers promptly resurface within a half hour. “Yep, there’s definitely a monster down there!” exclaimed the president of the Scuba Club. “But by god, I don’t really care about that aquatic leviathan lurking in close proximity to our school; just please never make me touch this horrendous canal water again!”
Administration crack down on Twitter sparks refreshing new Tweetgames By: Race Carter ’15 & Anand Swaminathan ’15 After a noted effort by the administration to better monitor students’ Twitter activities, students have modified their tweet tones on social media. Conscious of the heightened level of supervision, students around school have taken a markedly more decorous approach to their tweets. “I used to be all about the golden ratio,” explained Junior Goodie Tushuze ’16, “and I’m not talking the Greek one; I’m talking an immaculate 1:10 follow to follower correlation, the type of numbers that would make you the envy of all your friends. But now that the administration has started to monitor our Twitters, my number one priority is to show my academic adjudicators the toned-down, sociallyacceptable, school-rules-following, A.M.D.G life that I live! I have nothing to worry about!” Students around campus have reported similar changes in priority. The administration has recounenced that recent Brophy Twitter Trends have included “#OpentoGrowth, #InfoCommonstudytime, and #Beltwearer.” TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT: Actual samples of recent Brophy student tweets are captured
Students still startled to receive emails from omnipresent, all-knowing “Sandra Dennard”
The Wrangler is now offering scholarships for seniors!
By: Anand Swaminathan ’15 Though students throughout Brophy have begun to acclimate to their new surroundings, many newcomers are still adjusting to a variety of specific school practices and traditions. In particular, many students claim to be continually flustered by constant email deliveries from the mysterious cyber entity known only as “Sandra Dennard.” Students around campus report a similar trend of events: they rise for the morning, prepare to start their day, arrive at Brophy, sit through their first class, and, without fail, then receive an email entitled “Daily Bulletin” consistently around the time interval of 9:00am to 9:02am. On these cryptic emails, witnesses testify, is a comprehensive list of activities, results, club meetings, and the always enjoyable birthday wishes. Freshman Max Gullibull ’18 offered his thoughts on this cyber enigma: “It’s like “Sandra Dennard” just understands me. No matter what day it is, Overlord Dennard supplies me with the information and news I need to proceed with my life. Oh, did I forget my friend’s birthday was today? Reminded. Oh, do I desperately need to know the location of the preliminary Freshman Wrestling team meeting? The information is there! It’s almost as if “Sandra Dennard” tracks my every move and helps me get through my day.”
By: Calvin Higgins ’15 & Anand Swaminathan ’15
LOOK UP HERE: Rumors indicate that the mysterious “Sandra Dennard” entity is a denizen of this Student Activities Center cavern this point, it just makes me feel special to see so much thought and care sent my way. Monday’s are always a special treat, because I get a ‘Weekly Bulletin’ as well, outlining the happenings of the upcoming week for me. Oh, great and powerful “Dennard,” I bow down to you!” New students around campus have been even more shocked to learn of the purview of “Dennard’s” power as they sometimes listen to a disembodied voice recite the contents of the “Daily Bulletin” over ubiquitously placed loudspeakers throughout campus. Reports indicate that the entity’s power has been augmented this year, as disembodied voices have even taken steps to command students to conclude their current period and make way to their following class.
Older students are also continually flustered and awed by the infinite scope of the “Dennard’s” power and wisdom.
Freshman Smawl Nooby ’18 offered some concluding thoughts: “We may never know who is behind the omniscient enigma that is ‘Sandra Sophomore Klax Thomas ’17 explained: “Yeah Dennard.’ Until then, we will live our lives as I might be a wise fool, but I would be lying if I mere witnesses to the all-knowing, all-powerful said I didn’t get a little adrenaline rush every time influence of the “Dennard,” humbly using the reI saw my Inbox light up with another email from mainder of our 5 minute periods to read its Daily “Sandra Dennard.” Even after one year Bulletin and wonder at its majesty…” Here and, though I’m basically like a senior at
With spiraling tuition costs and student loan rates, The Wrangler has decided to offer an alternative for high-achieving Brophy seniors who conveniently fall into distinct categories. Interested students should take a look at the scholarship criteria below and check the boxes that apply.
Fourth degree black-belt of German descent
Field hockey player studying to be mortician
Student who does not need financial assistance due to actual hardship and genuine disadvantage in life
Young orphaned billionaire hoping to avenge parents’ deaths through Crime-Fighting major Fourth generation janitor Converted Wiccan hoping to study botany Street urchin with passing interest in leading a social revolution
Please promptly deliver this completed form to the waste basket of your counselor!
Editors Anand Swaminathan ’15 Alec Gonzales ’15 Photography Editor Aneel Kang ’16 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Mentor in absenteeism Kim Jong Un
So you think you’re funny, eh? Well, so do we! The Wrangler is seeking student contributors. Wrangler@brophybroncos.org A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2014
Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.