By: Jake Morey ’15 & Anand Swaminathan ’15 Following their loss to Chaparral basketball, several Brophy students have been accused of creating and circulating a caricature of the opposing mascot, the Firebird. Members of the Chaparral community have expressed outrage at the work which depicts not a Firebird, but the legendary bird Pokémon Moltres, committing an act of free-willed and placid flapping. “I see this Moltres as a blatant attack on my way of life, culture, and heritage,” explained Chaparral senior Scott Dale. “It’s a disgusting portrayal of Moltres, the notorious denizen of Mt. Ember and the widely considered weakest member of the legendary bird trio. A Zapados, perhaps even an Articuno, would have been more tasteful – but Moltres?! That just crossed the line. The Firebird is a cherished symbol at Chaparral, representing fearlessness and intensity – not some avian abomination that any amateur trainer could capture with just a pokeball.” Backlash from Chaparral students have taken a variety of forms. Most noticeable has been the recent parking protests, during which Chaparral students have torn across the North and South lots in a fleet of 2014 Mercedes, BMW, and Audi sedans and SUVs. In addition, threats have arisen to abduct Brophy students and imprison them in birdcages suspended around the Chaparral campus. “I think that the Moltres caricature is a product of the longstanding tensions between these two communities,” explained Mr. John Damaso ’97. “Our two schools have been jostling as rivals for many years now. But the image of a whimsical, lackadaiscally-fluttering Pokémon rather than a tenacious Firebird really sent things over the edge.”
A censored open letter to
GOTTA CENSOR ‘EM ALL: A sample of the Firebird caricature, exhibiting the garish coloring and willful indifference of legendary bird Pokémon Moltres.
However, an increasing amount of Chaparral students have condemned their peers’ actions. Citing the reactions as radical and unrepresentative of true Chaparral culture, these students have distanced themselves from the more drastic action. “Decrees like ‘turn up or transfer’ stem from a literal interpretation of the Book of Birdcage,” explained one Chaparral junior, “the majority of us condemn this backlash and embrace legendary birds of all elements.” Recent reports from both schools indicate that tensions are slowly easing, with radical Broncos and Firebirds alike increasingly quelled. Brophy senior Jesús Charlee ’15 summed up the situation: “I think we’ve learned to set aside our differences and realize that, at the end of the day, we at Brophy and Chap are all human beings. All we want is to buy our pastel polos, drive our luxury sedans, and wear our brand-named clothing in peace.”
Hoopcoming still present on campus
By: Race Carter ’15
By: AK Alilonu ’16 It’s been a while since Charlie Hebdo, but for those terrorists who didn’t get the message, I, on the behalf of the The Wrangler, would like to say something to anyone who opposes our constitutional exercise of the First Amendment: Please don’t hurt us. Let’s say we somehow hurt your feelings. You’re morally opposed to our new layout software or something. Save yourself the call you’d waste on a threat. If you come to the door of B202 wielding a scary-looking spoon, we will change our corrupt ways as soon as your impassioned shrieks tell us what we’re doing wrong. Don’t like us wasting paper? Digital-only editions, like that. Want us to waste more paper? As long as we get to see our families again, we will singlehandedly deforest the Amazon. Would you prefer we use a different font?
See what I did there? You won’t have to brandish a single sharp stylus to warn us. We will obey your orders for as long as possible between the time you leave and the time an equally or even more violent attacker demands we do the exact opposite of what you asked for.
ABOVE: The lingering effects of Hoopcoming 2015 are captured here. Unfortunately, the effects of Hoopcoming 2011 were unable to be published.
Printed on recycled Roundups
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Chaparral students outraged over release of Firebird caricature
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• “50 Shades of Grey” also found to be accurate forecast for Danforth’s hair color in next five years
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• ISIS/ISIL attacks reignite national debate on acronyms
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• American Sniper “admirable” but still unable to pull off 360 no-scope, reports unimpressed freshman from back of Health class
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• Amar’e Stoudemire fails to make freshman basketball team
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• Camelback Mountain renamed Machu Picchu at behest of Peruvian students
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• Jesus reportedly so embarrassed by Mary at recent Mother/Son Communion Breakfast
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• Second semester sophomore simply gives up for Lent
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• Seniors scramble to check emails as Northwestern Eastern Central University extends priority status deadlines just this once for just a few elite students
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News in Briefs
R e a l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
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February 2015 Edition Roman Numeral Thirty-Eight
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The Wrangler
One Ring found in canal
By: John Sittu ’15 & Trevor Lewis ’17
Students increasingly turning to Clapaholics Anonymous support group for “clap therapy” By: Anand Swaminathan ’15 & Bert Odinet ’18 OVER THERE: A student recently admitted to Clapaholics Anonymous struggles with a set of synchronized hand combinations (what insiders call “clapping”)
RING OF EXECUTIVE POWER: Gollum/Freshman English Teacher hybrid Mr. Scott Middlemist tries to intercept the president from taking hold of the Ring.
Buchanan busts Corwin for mint dealing By: John Sittu ’15 After a carefully conducted investigation, officials have formally accused Mrs. Deborah Corwin of masterminding an illegal mint ring. Corwin claims she just gave the kids what they wanted, and that her only compensation was “the smiles of the students.” But expert critical literary analysts like Thomas Danforth ’08 B.C. raise questions about her statements: “Smiles? In the dean’s office?” For years, reports have been coming in from unnamed students and faculty members of unholy increases in athletic performance and other sugar-rush-derived transgressions. Anawn Hummus ’17 of the sprint team said: “the boys on the track call her Sweet Tooth Debbs, and for as long as I can remember, those fresh-breathed junkies have been coming to her for their minty fix.” However, Mr. John Buchanan, Brophy security head and 5-time winner of the National Frat Boy Arm-Cross Award, did not believe the story. Dubbed “Stinky B” by the knoll seniors for his abstinence from mint, this semi-professional golf cart jockey is known for upholding a zero-tolerance policy on mint-dealing. “Ol’ Bucky is a loose-cannon cop who doesn’t
After years of clap dissonance at school events, several members of the Brophy community have recently been admitted to the Clapaholics Anonymous (CA) support group. This new initiative aims to rehabilitate “clappingly-challenged” students and help promote proper clapping technique. Students admitted to Clapaholics Anonymous report a variety of recurring symptoms, including “offbeat clapping,” “prolonged clapping,” “inappropriately-timed clapping,” and “obsession-with-being-thelast-one-to-clap clapping.” Many of these students’ clap-abuse problems were identified during mass days, with third party investigators called on campus to pinpoint the worst offenders. After coming up positive on their administered clap-tests, the students were offered the option of either seeking CA help or being dismissed from all future school events. The majority of students, though, chose to register with Clapaholics Anonymous – many reportedly on the hope that “Calvin Terrell would one day return to campus and they could once again be mesmerized by the intricacies of tin vs. aluminum.” Students in Clapaholics Anonymous enter into a strict regimen of rotating clap training programs. Mr. Paul Olson, who leads the operation, explained:
play by the rules – he’ll do anything to crack the case, and the Brophy administration knows it,” said Mrs. Theresa Angus. “He’s given us a glimpse of hope again.” Remarkably, a day after Buchanan’s assignment to the case, the administration issued a public statement saying that Corwin gave out “Lifesavers, a non-mint candy, and that selfish students bankrupted her because she bought them with only her own mon-
Editors Drew Burns ’18 Chris Favela ’16 Chief Editors Anand Swaminathan ’15 AK Alilonu ’16 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
So you think you’re funny, eh? Well, so do we! The Wrangler is seeking student contributors. Wrangler@brophybroncos.org
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A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2015
“We aim to provide these boys with a healthy balance of both mental and physical clap rehabilitation. We begin with weighted claps, and then refine their skills with an alternating metronome. Our most challenging work comes when we play live recordings of Paul Fisko and test the boys’ ability to clap in tune. The final step of the program is a complete mass-simulation; we want our students to not only excel in the technicalities of clapping, but also to be able to function in a very real, clap-filled world.” Although CA moderators have noticed a marked improvement in their students’ progress, they acknowledge the possibility of relapse. Said Fisko, “Our boys have come a long way, but I know that even one mistimed clap after ‘Glory to God in the Highest’ can send them spiraling back down toward chronic clap-abuse.” Meanwhile, members of Clapaholics Anonymous are looking to the upcoming Summit on Human Dignity to be the final test of their weeks-long rehabilitation. With the scheduled flurry of masses, keynote speeches, and school assemblies, CA students will determined whether they have attained permanent clap-discipline or will simply relapse back into their previous clapoholism.
ey.” The administration is sticking to this tenuous story and says they have moved Corwin up a few offices. They have already trained her replacement, Mrs. Yvette Mulligan. The morning of Corwin’s transfer, the AP described Buchanan as having “stood in the knoll, stroking his stache triumphantly, pleased with himself for having ended Corwin’s reign of terror and for being able to pull off wearing sunglasses on cloudy days.” Buchanan went viral after multiple bystanders caught him on video as he, with a single-handed deft swoop, peeled off his trademarked shades in a diagonal fashion and said “Looks like this school is finally in ‘mint’ condition.”
Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.