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By Cooper Dinowitz ’17 & AK Alilonu ’16
• Track team sponsored by Heelys, Inc., glides to a first-place finish
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• Incoming freshman sports UCLA sweatshirt
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News in Briefs Course evaluation system reformed
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R ea l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
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May 2015 Edition Roman Numeral Forty
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The Wrangler
TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT: Survey Monkey depicted here, hoping students will go bananas over new survey. Students report high levels of satisfaction with the system, but declined to go ape over it so as to not offend the primate.
• Indecisive senior wears 5 shirts to College Day • Le Cordon Bleu willing to admit entire senior class
ALL THE WAY DOWN THERE: The Dr. Phil of surveys has arrived, and it’s asking all the right questions, except not. A faculty member commented that the survey “tells it like it be.” For his privacy, we will not release Mr. Birgenheir’s name.
• Fossilized Lenovo laptop discovered beneath Brophy Hall • New gym to include regulation four square court • Waka Flocka Flame proposes insightful domestic policy legislation as his first act in student council • Bopp rejects name for Innovation Commons as “not innovative enough” • Maynard sharpens pitchfork for Class of 2019 • Info Commons fish disillusioned by students lining up for books, hopes of new home dwindle
Is your friend ‘caping’?
Students armed for finals
By Max Basile ’17
Is your friend ‘caping’? Researchers here at The Wrangler have done extensive testing to narrow down the signs of someone who capes. First, let’s dissect the cape itself. Cape can be used as a verb, noun, adjective, helping verb, gerund, antecedent, interjection, article, and preposition. It comes from the Latin capario, capere, which means “to be really cool.”
the real question, is your bro ‘caping’? Symptoms of ‘caping’ can be anything from a wardrobe change, to an adjustment of vernacular. A red flag is wearing snapbacks that have dollar signs on them. One caper added, “You can find me in Fashion Square with my squad to my left, my parents to my right, swag on my shirt, and my cape on my back.”
The modern-day meaning itself is to wear a cape outside of any LARP atmosphere. The “noobs” (CapeGød. org) of ‘caping’ typically begin with a starter-cape which includes all of the cape-abilities at a very affordable price. Then, the more advanced capes can range anywhere from sixty dollars to one thousand dollars.
Since caping is still a very new trend, Dean Higgins has yet to make a decision on whether or not it should be allowed. Until then, the student body continues to wear capes every day.
Health Experts have also responded to this national phenomenon. “No capes,” says Edna Mode, PhD in Pointless Information. Others welcome the new trend, as the inventor, Swag Cool Guy, is being nominated for a Nobel Peace Sign. Now onto
The question has yet to be answered of whether or not ‘caping’ is actually a problem. All side-effects point to an overall increase of both swag and cool. The legality of ‘caping’ has yet to be settled in a court of law. Anti-cape groups plan on putting the issue on the 2016 ballot. Until then, cape on, capers.
By Cooper Dinowitz ’17
UP AND AWAY: Further proving how much he just “gets” the student body, alumnus Mick Ebeling ’88 has developed arms that study for you. Since the Arm’s release, self-acclaimed tryhards have gone into hiding, and are reported to be engaged in an intense “study sesh” in a locked room down at the Info Commons. Administration officials plan to allow it into finals, but refuse to reconsider their ban on the Apple Watch.
Types of college roommates
By Race Carter ’15
1. The Frat Star (Vineyard McSperrison): So basically Greek life is his life and he just wants to have a great time but like way more than you do, bro, like who do you know here? Jokes aside, the fraternity life is a blast and this guy will always be here to make it a fun campus environment for you. Check these guys out, but don’t let the occasional craziness get to you. 2. The Athlete (Whey Protein Savages): His gains far outweigh his brains, but not always; there are the rare scholar-athletes, but it’s usually 50/50. Either he’s the greatest, most humble, smartest and most athletic guy, or he’s just a body that can fulfill any coach’s dream. Both are necessary on a team to win championships, unless it’s like Brophy Swim — we pretty much just have it all here for swim, brains and brawn. 3. The Nerd (Textbook Terry): He lifts heavy objects…like books and book bags, and likes to visit crazy places…like the library for office hours with teachers. Good guy; don’t draft him for your pickup basketball team though if you’re looking for a star jock. 4. The Gamer (King of Warcraft): He plays video games until his eyes bleed. The Technology Department reveres him, and K13 wouldn’t know what to do without his electronic prowess. 5. The Normal Guy (Mr. Really Doesn’t Know): Seriously just here to learn and then have some fun and get out. Quite a relatable dude — he loves sports, music, and kicking it with his friends. The ultimate Man for Others, Coach Heideman would cry tears of joy. 6. The International Student (Say What?): Broken English but super mysterious and cool, unless he has no manners and then you’re like…OK. Think Argentinian or Chinese exchange students, so usually solid guys; you just need to really listen and have a dictionary on deck.
Things to do with your laptop • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
College roommates do’s and don’ts
By Race Carter ’15
Do: • Introduce yourself politely. Pretend it’s a Brophy interview. • Stay clean and organized. Remember you could’ve been JUG-ged a few months ago for that unkempt appearance. • Pushups. Galante said it. Actually, make that a deck of cards just in case — you know about that freshman fifteen nonsense. • Your homework, on occasion. • Not litter; care about the campus and the environment. For Mazier. • Talk about religion. But remember to be Open to Growth and Loving, too. • Go to a sports game, cheer harder than anyone, pass out, wake up and continue cheering. GO BRONCOS. • Enjoy meals with friends, hit up the cafeteria or Great Hall, and criticize the outrageous prices and low-quality food. Don’t: • Steal from your roommate. That’s like a Saturday JUG, almost like ditching school. Was it really worth it, seniors? • Make guttural noises and jump on your bed. Donlan would be proud, but your roommate would be frightened. • Wear a bathrobe and recite lines from Return of the Jedi while your roommate is studying. Remember, Middlemist is not your roommate, so the sci-fi may not always be appropriate. • Demonstrate your best Fisko guitar solo at two in the morning. PLEASE, just join the school band. • Not have a good time hanging out in your dorm room and just kickin’ it like any great Bronco does. Your dorm room should feel like the Student Activity Center (low-key plus you can eat and sleep there).
Editors AK Alilonu ’16 Alex Bhatt ’17 Chris Favela ’16 Trevor Lewis ’17 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2015
By Maanik Chotalla ’16 Keep it for sentimental value BONFIRE!!! Donate it to a freshman Donate it to a fresh man Pay people to take it away Slap an Apple logo sticker on it and hope no one notices Drop it off of a high-rise Drop it off of a slightly higher high-rise Use it to conduct an exorcism Dismantle it and turn it into a gamecube Wish you had an iPad (Just kidding, iPads blow chunks) Drive over it with your father’s Humvee Cat videos. Just gigabytes and gigabytes of cat videos. Will it blend? Leave it as a gift for the next hitchhiker Put a ring on it, but only if you like it Electronic recycling (JK lol)
Rejected senior pranks
By Max Basile ’17 1. Not show up to school second semester 2. “Reply All” to Daily Bulletin 3. Adopt cats named Archie and Waffles and let them roam around the campus 4. Fill up pool with sharks 5. Have a sit-in in the Great Hall to lower Michael’s prices 6. Host a roast of Mr. Danforth 7. Pretend to shadow entire freshman class 8. Flush all toilets simultaneously to trigger black hole 9. Get Technology Department to take down Meraki 10. “Xavier Corral” (Herd real broncos through Xavier) 11. Throw bouncy balls down the stairs of third floor of Eller 12. Swap out valedictorian speech with Oh, The Places You’ll Go! 13. Leave detailed instructions on how to cheat Turnitin for Class of 2019
JOIN The Wrangler! Have you ever chirped or have been chirped in the group chat? Can you seamlessly transition from the Shmoney to the Whip? Would you classify your flow as being “on point”? If you answered “yes” to any or all of these questions, then we would love to have you on The Wrangler! You have shown that you have experienced crtical, yet constructive opprobrium; meanwhile, you display proficiency in blending great, disctinct ideas together, all while maintaining a beautiful physiognomy. Over the summer, write your favorite thing about ‘Nado or any other Brophy experiences and send it to us at Wrangler@brophyprep.org!