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November 2015 Edition Roman Numeral Forty-Two
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The Wrangler
D R E
ABOUT .01 MM TO THE LEFT OF THIS TEXT: Kanye goes back on campaign promise, doesn’t let the Dean finish.
• Seniors complain most recent mass wasn’t “lit” enough, horrified to discover what that means • Fisko refuses to come out of dressing room when mics don’t work, saying, “If Jesus can’t hear me play, no one can” • Students afraid of what happens to their phones when they go to the bathroom • Michael’s charges $3.50 for leftover snow after Homecoming • Riots start as Breakfast Club runs out of Krispy Kreme Donuts • Football season reaches Pinnacle, ends on Pointe • Waffles to release tell-all book, “Eat People Food, Pray, Love.” • Fisko arrives in a sled piloted by turkeys, takes term “Turkey Drive” too far • Heideman reportedly visited by Ghost of Freshmen Past, gives ghost 500 push-ups
As candidates across the country gear up for the presidential election, Brophy is beginning to make preparations for an election of its own. Patrick Higgins’ position as Dean of Students has been challenged as superstar Kanye West announced his plans to run for Dean in 2018. “I like his music and all,” said junior South East ’17, “but I don’t know how he’ll match up to a JUG-master like Higgins.” To this, West said he is “harder, better, faster, and stronger” than Higgins. While some may doubt West’s ability to hold such a prominent position at a school like Brophy, experts say he’s more qualified than one may think. West has an extensive background
with the Society of Yeezus, more commonly known as the Yesuits. “I’m pretty sure Saint Ignatius and Yeezy were, like, friends, right?” said freshman Fail Yer ’19 who, freshman Scripture teacher Elizabeth Clarke confirmed, failed his summer reading quiz on Saint Ignatius. West has also demonstrated his knowledge about life at Brophy. When asked by an underclassman what the secret of Kairos is, West said, “No one knows what it means,” and proceeded to laugh with a group of nearby seniors. Aided by Parisian business partner and running-mate Jay-Z, West has big plans for Brophy should he get elected. Among these are to demolish
the Front Lawn to make space for a new West Lot for student parking. In light of the election, Brophy is also to be featured on an upcoming episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Despite these ambitions, Higgins is fighting back. In an effort to block West’s “propaganda,” Higgins has ordered K13 to block all music services on Brophy’s wifi. In a recent debate, Higgins argued that West should be ineligible for the election due to his “late registration”, but West interrupted, saying, “Imma let you finish,” but really just wanted to announce his new upcoming album, Yeezus Wept.
Mr. Middlemist misses month of school for new Star Wars trailer
By Nico Pacioni ’18 Mr. Scott Middlemist ’87 is barely clinging to life today in the St. John’s Hospital ICU after being found late last night in his Brophy classroom, having watched the new Star Wars trailer on loop over 13,000 times, equivalent to 12 parsecs. This tragic discovery sparked outrage in the student community, and some poorly informed students called for the ban of any trailers on campus, going as far as to protest the Brophy bus system. Other students voice their outrage, “I bet Mr. Middlemist is a great teacher,” said Troop Stormer ’18. “He nodded at me when I walked past him at break one time.” On the other side of the spectrum, students in Hon-
phisticated cardboard replica TIE fighter, complete with life support systems, waste recovery, and a full hydroponics lab. However, it didn’t end there. It took the crews almost two hours to free Middlemist’s head from his 1:2 scale Boba Fett helmet. Local ER Doctor Leo Spaceman is reported to have said, “My kids are not going to believe this,” obviously blown away by Middlemist’s condition. OPPOSITE OF BELOW: Middlemist gently fondles his legendary TIE fighter. ors English I were shocked to see the lack of JUGs assigned over Middlemist’s leave of absence, Darth Maul ’19 said “I thought the JUGs were part of
the curriculum.” It took the emergency crews over 8 hours to coax Middlemist out of his highly so-
Recent accusations from the Innovation Commons suggest that the laser cutter and 3-D printer found in the vicinity may have also been stolen, presumably to streamline the process of building the fighter.
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By Mark Haak ’18
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News in Briefs Kanye West announces plans to run for Dean in 2018
By Nico Pacioni ’18 and Mark Haak ’18
75% OF FUNDS GO TO YOUR LOCAL SATIRE NEWSPAPER
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Why is Mr. Widbin afraid of spooky, scary skeletons?
By Daniel Deglane ’16 him. He revealed that “Zach Widbin” is nothing but a refugee alias after he was caught wearing his old superhero outfit. “Yes, I do wear the old piece from time to time, just for old time’s sake,” Widbin was quoted saying. “The costume represents a part of me that will never truly be forgotten, and occasionally I put it on to be taken back to my glory days. Unfortunately, I wasn’t careful this time around, and now my secret is out.”
UP THERE, YA DINGUS: Zach Widbin in his glory days. The Brophy commuity was stunned last week to learn that Mr. Zach Widbin, a Physics teacher residing in Piper Hall, was revealed to be none other than Prince Adam, also known as the famous superhero He-Man. Adam is the ruler of Eternia, who transforms into He-Man by holding aloft his magic sword and yell-
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Editors Maanik Chotalla ’16 Joe Welty ’16 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
ing, “By the Power of Grayskull!” Blessed with astonishing strength and joined by courageous and comical allies, He-Man battles against his villainous archenemy, Skeletor, an equally Schwarzenegger-like humanoid with a skull for a head. But it seems that He-Man’s days of waging war against evil are past
After years of grueling, ceaseless fighting against an enemy that refused to surrender or even let down, Widbin revealed, he found himself tormented by the shadows of war and duly fled his realm, finally settling down in city of Phoenix, Arizona, where he promptly began a new life on a clean slate. But in spite of his new persona, featuring an elaborate disguise of eyeglasses and camouflage pants, he could not part with his luscious, royal locks, to which he admits to having a particular attachment.
When asked if there were any aspects of his former life that still feature prominently in his new career and home, the once-mighty warrior admitted to one thing: a paralyzing fear of human skeletons, spawned from the memory of Skeletor, making the Halloween season “an actual hell,” Widbin said with palpable uneasiness and a quivering voice. “I can’t so much as look at a skull without breaking down completely because it reminds me of him. I can still hear his demonic cackling, that—that ‘NYEEEAAA!’” But Widbin insists that his new life is treating him well and says he hopes nothing will change despite his secret identity having been revealed. “There will surely be more eyes on me, but I’m ready for it,” he stated confidently. And it sure seems so, as the former leader of the Masters of the Universe is allegedly refusing to explain to his ever-curious students the physics behind the “Power of Grayskull.”