December 2015 Edition Roman Numeral Forty-Four
R e a l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
on ti di d fE e if ent Sn Sc ’n t h in tc rm ra pe Sc ep P
The Wrangler
‘Tis the season...
News in Briefs OFJ Fruitcake Drive comes to premature conclusion By Trevor Lewis ’17
• Giant hole in the ground next to gym confirmed to be a giant hole • Mazier launches campaign to save the coniferous pines • Brophy encourages students to rejoice during Advent by cancelling final exams • Ghost of Jigsaw Soul cameos in production of “A Christmas Carol” • Pool on top of the gym freezes, repurposed as ice rink, tickets start at 5 dollars • Senioritis outbreak hits underclassmen just in time for exams • Middlemist teaches last few classes dressed as Jedi • Campus expected to recieve three feet of sunshine over winter break • Security gaurds recover hard drive at the bottom of the canal, item found to contain plot to make all Michael’s food peppermint-flavored • Archie and Waffles drafted by Santa Claus to replace reindeer
With the holiday season just around the corner, so approaches the inevitable gifting of the dreaded delicacy appropriately named after the sum of its parts: Fruitcake.
creased exponentially as relieved students found a means of offloading their families’ fruitcakes. By the end of the second week, over 9,000 cakes were in the grateful hands of the OFJ.
Come every December since the days of Ancient Rome, the average middle class family will receive approximatly three to four fruitcakes, eating a grand total of none of them.
Members planned to move into the second phase, which involved the delivering of the cakes, but efforts were halted when they were paid a visit by the AZ Health Department.
“Don’t get me started on it,” Noel Chris ’17 commented on the taste of the cake. “It’s this thick, sticky abomination of unDemanding that evenly mixed flour all the fruitcakes NOT DOWN: Watch out for gifted and regifted fruitcakes this and just about every holiday season. be surrendered for spice imaginable, immediate detenwith these annoying tion and neutralin landfills to become lighter eldried fruit land-mines scattered ization, Officer Philly Dough ements such as lead, we’d take throughout the concrete loaf.” made it clear that fruitcake is them off their hands and distribAnother student described it as not only unfit for human conute them out to those in need of a “Worse than Middlemist’s Minesumption, but also that it would good meal.” craft project.” be inhuman to subject those with nothing to eat to this putrid Taking that idea and running Yet despite the stigma attached Christmas classic. with it, the very first P.O.T.C. to the unpopular Christmas con(Passing On The Cake) Drive was fection, it didn’t stop the Office of “It’s just terrible,” stated one stulaunched on December 3rd. Faith and Justice from hosting a dent. “They went through all this fruitcake drive this year alongwork trying to help other people, On the first day, the OFJ was surside the annual ELF Drive. but they got shut down. How were prised by the generosity of the they supposed to know fruitcake Brophy community, which man“Well, fruitcake is naturally very is a controlled substance?” One aged to pull in a whopping 200 caloric,” says Brian Pius ’16 of student best summarized the sitpounds, or 4 cakes. the OFJ, “so we thought instead uation when he proclaimed, “At of people throwing away their least they (the cakes) can never Suprisingly, participation incakes, allowing them to decay ruin our holidays ever again.”
Student’s letters to Santa By David Barnes ‘17 and Nikolas Kirk ’19
“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is an acceptance letter from the International University Academy of St. Cranius for the Chronically Intelligent.” - Pat Señor ‘16
“Santa, I want a date to prom.” - Haut Stoff ‘19
“Yo Saint Nick, all I want fo’ Christmas this year is for the upperclassmen to stop calling me freshman.” - Rich Young ‘18
“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is enough retweets on Twitter to
not have to take a final. Mr. Rutt already agreed to 1,000 retweets, and,
frankly, I have a really bad case of
senioritis. Here’s the thing, Santa: I actually need these retweets before
Christmas, so if you could expedite my gift to around today, that’d be
great. Oh, I also need the motivation
“Dear Santa, this year for Christmas could you please give us Senior Ditch Semester?” - Class of 2016
to complete college applications, so
if you could get me that too, that’d
be awesome. I promise I still believe in you!”
- Jack Frost ‘16
Santa moves toy-making operation to Innovation Commons By Martín Hans Eslava ’17 As of this morning, it has been confirmed that the Innovation Commons’ beloved aquarium has been unfortunately ransacked by penguins who have eaten all of the fish, while a lyme disease breakout has been caused by a mass migration of reindeer, says The Roundup’s Mr. Mulloy. Indeed, the Commons has recently been invaded by a horde of elves and their corpulent boss, Santa Claus, according to the sole survivor of the aquarium who fears for his life. Due to increasing fears that global warming will only precipitate the rapid melting of glaciers, Santa thought it prudent to relocate to a more temperate environment for the busy winter saying, “If Phoenix is good enough for snowbirds, it’s good enough for me!” Santa is nationally recognized as an avid supporter of climate change reform and appeared before the COP21 Council in Paris last week. Santa is also against the continued use of fossil fuels—ironic, considering he has no scruples buying from the coal industry.
tion.” Several elves have been subsequently laid off I GOT TO SIT ON SANTA’S LAP!” and are currently roaming the streets of Flagstaff for work. The OFJ has released a statement reiterating it In addition to damages done in the space, Santa will not hire elves for the ELF Drive. has also failed to enforce appropriate use of school WiFi, as elves have been found constantly bidding The following is a memorial remembering those sad on eBay and Craigslist for toys they were supposed little helpers who will now go vagabonding during to be making by hand. their Christmas. It reads: Despite all of these complications, Christmas is still Woe to the elf, on-schedule. All of our favorite gifts will be deliv Capricious little oaf; ered fresh off the 3D printers...if they manage to fix “Don’t make a union,” they say them on time. “Santa will sack you,” they say But it doesn’t matter LOOK DOWN IF YOU DARE: Despite initial You still have your dignity tension between Mr. Lewkowitz and Santa, the 3D In little green hats print master finally chose to indulge in the holiday And quaint red boots spirit. Ho ho ho...no? Woe to the elf
Among the many gifts being made nonstop in the Innovation Commons are handcrafted pieces of furniture made from the laser woodcutter, engraved counterfeit Apple watches, and several thousand copies of the infamous Pip-Boy—the “Personal Information Processor” from the “Fallout” series. DeThe Elf Workforce is comprised of several dozen of mand was so high for these pesky little contraptions the capricious creatures and a few rented freshmen that the 3D printers used to make them are now all who have nothing better to do. Although movies totally damaged—Santa must now reimburse Broand popular culture tell us that Santa’s workshop is phy in addition to replacing all of the robotics team’s a jolly and lighthearted place, our inside sources re- materials, which were used for making electronics. port that the work environment is somewhat hectic and tense. Among some of the complaints are that Mr. Bopp and Mr. Lewkowitz are mortified over the space is too cramped and the air conditioning the damage and mess caused by this latest hubbub. stops working for hours. When asked about specific damages, Mr. Bopp said, “The laser engraver was fuming with purple smoke According to Mr. McShane—cryptozoologist and when we found it, and most of the 3D printers were eggnog enthusiast—the elves have endeavored spewing out HUGE amounts of cheddar cheese.” to create a union and demand better conditions. Shortly after an attempt to do so, however, Santa’s Although also outraged, Mr. Lewkowitz added, agents abruptly shut down the operation and inter- “There are nails on the floor, live wires hanging rogated several suspects for instilling an “insurrec- from the ceiling, a couple of fires in trash cans, BUT
Brophy’s Christmas tree lighting goes full “Death Star” By Patrick Lee ’19 Tragedy struck Brophy last night, as the recently installed Christmas tree went up in flames during its lighting. Two weeks ago, the Student Council suggested that a 75-foot pine tree be installed in the Mall to celebrate the upcoming Christmas season. At first it was dismissed for a multitude of reasons, such as that it would be far too expensive, it couldn’t fit, and there’s absolutely no reason to do it. But, where there’s a will, there’s a way, and after only a couple of days, the idea was approved. A tree of this caliber would need more than just puny, Target-bought lights. Mr. Lewkowitz offered to use the resources in the Innovation Commons to construct the lights. This was when conflicts first arose. While trying to decide what to top the tree with, Mr. Middlemist suggested that they use a decorated Death Star in celebra-
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tion of the new “Star Wars” movie release this December. This harmless suggestion started a war between those for the Death Star topper and those against it. After much conflict, both sides came to a compromise. The highest bidder at Brophy’s silent auction would be placed atop the tree. The tree itself had caused some stir. Many students complained of it blocking off a central part of the Mall, causing them to be late for classes. Others feared for their safety. Kenneth Parcell ’18 said, “It always seems like it’s gonna fall over. And the birds constantly flying into it don’t really help.” On the night of the lighting, events started out peacefully. Everyone seemed to forget all the controversy surrounding the event. Mr. Fisko’s Boyz II Men IV Otherz began their rendition of
Editors David Barnes ’17 Martín Hans Eslava ’17 Trevor Lewis ’17 Andrew Smith ’17 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2015
“O Christmas Tree”. The tree lit up. For a couple seconds, there was peace. Then, the tree burst into flames. “The lights exploded, combusting the dry tree, and peace turned to panic,” says Kendell Arson ’16. “People ran from the burning tree, fearful and confused. Boyz II Men IV Otherz stopped singing ‘O Christmas Tree’ and started singing ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’. A bird flew into the tree, knocking it over.” Student Council discovered that the cause of the fire was none other than Mr. Middlemist’s Death Star. While wistfully holding his Death Star in front of the lit tree, Mr. Middlemist’s hand slipped and he accidentally pressed a button which caused the Death Star to go rogue. Unfortunately, it fired a laser directly at Mr. Lewkowitz’s tree and caused it to explode.