R ea l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
February 2016 Edition Roman Numeral Forty-Five
News in Briefs DJ Khaled’s keys to success for second semester
• Cornish College of the Arts found to be culprit of email hackings • Brophy Student Council second guesses having Steve Harvey as MC at Hoopcoming Half Court Contest • Hillary Clinton releases sympathetic press statement after student emails are hacked • Mr. Bopp begins program in Innovation Commons to 3-D print muscle tissue for next football season • Mr. B discovers mysterious underground tunnel leading to AJ’s, freshmen culprits found after interviews with Sean Penn • Coaches Molander and Denk start petition to put muscle milk in drinking fountains • New immersion trip takes students inside the nearest Chipotle to make them more accepting and open to E. coli
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The Wrangler By Kinner Patel ‘18 and Michael Murphy ‘18
Next year, The Wrangler thought it would be a great idea to offer the job of Brophy president to DJ Khaled, seeing as though he has the vision to lead Brophy. So here they are, DJ Khaled’s own “Grad at Graduation” goals for Brophy College Prep to unlock the doors to success this new year: 1. Always, always have the mindset of a champion when you youngins are grindin on that late night homework. This is a MAJOR KEY. Push through and know that all your sacrifices will pay off. 2. When workin’ with yo homies on those group projects, show some confidence in your work. When I’m working in studio, I gotta work with guys to make the best album. Mentality is a major key to success. 3. Don’t cheat fam-just don’t do it. Why? They don’t want you to work hard. They don’t want you to get sleep. But after, and believe me son, you’ll be riding through the journey of success without those who decided to give in to the pressure. But you won’t give in. 4. Food is an essential. I mean, you can never get enough of that turkey bacon and egg whites. MAJOR KEY alert: always take snack breaks in between your studies. Always. Food gives you the power to drive through and finish what you start. 5. Vibes. It’s all about the vibes. Where’s the best place to find em? Music. I recommend listening to your favorite tunes when grindin on your work. It gets you in the zone, man. Music=power through. 6. Give thanks to all your teachers at school, man. They put in so much work and wanna help you succeed. Thank ‘em every once in a while. Show some appreciation. Bless up. 7. Bad grade on an assignment? Not the score you were lookin for on test? These things happen man. They are just road blocks in your journey to success. Look past ‘em. Look into your future. 8. WE THE BEST. Brophy is the best high school in AZ, and everyone knows it. Have some school pride and go out to some events. Girls, games, glory-you get it all. This is a MAJOR KEY for high school success. Part of the journey is to have fun, man. To recap: We the best, don’t let them get to you, and bless up. And most important of all: They don’t want you to read The Wrangler.
Michael’s Catering faces E. coli outbreak
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WAY UP: The Wrangler has officially one-upped Student Council’s less food-themed Hoopcoming with it’s very own Soupcoming this month. Tickets and plastic spoons will be available in the SAC. Attractions will include soup-themed rides and concessions ranging from lentil to chicken noodle.
By Nik Kirk ’16
Michael’s Catering is facing yet another controversy. A recent report claims that Michael’s food is ridden with an E. coli outbreak. This is in similar fashion to the outbreak that Chipotle faced a couple months ago. There are several theories on how the outbreak occurred. One student is blaming Brophy’s upcoming science fair. “It was probably a freshman who didn’t do something right, like wash their hands,” said Cy Intist ’16. Another student is simply blaming Chipotle. “Some kid probably bought Chipotle and spread the bacteria to Michael’s food supply. I guess it was worth it though because Chipotle is pretty good,” said Elto Pihc ’18. Michael’s Catering is using the outbreak
to their advantage, however. They plan on using the E. coli to enter into the Brophy Science Fair. The science fair project will aim to show how E. coli might make their food taste better. Regardless of the outcomes of the bacterial outbreak, Michael’s Catering has seen no reduction in sales, just like Chipotle. Some students have taken the time to speak out about the outbreak. One student asked, “What is E. coli? I’m sure it can’t hurt too much to eat.” Mrs. Lenox later confirmed that student failed his test on bacterial cells. Era Wanu ’19 said, “Michael’s prices are just too good to pass up!” The outbreak has gone to show how prominent Michael’s and Chipotle are in our community, and that some things, including microscopic bacteria, cannot stop capitalism.
New theorem from science department revolutionizes fitness world
By Holden Gordon ’17 & Greyson Beck ’17
ters so the number actually fits on your calculator screen. On another note, yoga and hunting pants fanatic Mr. Widbin states, “That in order to maximize some things you must minimize others. In this case, that would be the popular craze: vegetarianism.” Represented by ‘Δv + Δf ’ this popular philosophy of fruit and vegetable consumption has led to the smallness that plagues the global population today. According to Dr. Tusell, “The ingestion of fruits and vegetables blocks primary muscle inducing hormones such as swollamine, hugorone, and liftaphrine.” This consumption of fruits and vegetables takes 3 2 away valuable growth from (1/2cpp · Δm )/(Δv + Δf). THIS HERE: Brophy’s top scientific minds collectively contract their cranial muscles muscles and deprives the human into a universe-shattering flex. of their gym-given GAINZ. But what do all these things mean? ient of the Nobel GAINZ Prize, advises to “mix Let’s start with ‘c,’ which represents it [protein powder] into drinks, sandwiches, or Through the tireless efforts of the Physics Dethe overall creatine intake which obviously is even use it to season various meats.” The third partment, humanity has been forever made an integral part of producing rapid GAINZ. and most important variable, ‘Δm,’ refers to “the huge, and it is only a matter of days before the Known GAINZologist Mr. Widbin strongly oscillations of the muscle tissue during physical GAINZ postulate becomes the GAINZ Law. So recommends a “straight injection into both the exhaustion, ” in the words of fitnessist Mr. Welty. join the movement and vote at www.IWantToleft and right biceps for optimal performance.” In layman’s terms, it is how much your muscle BeHuge.com to usher in a new era of sceintific Secondly, the ‘pp’ symbolizes protein powder swells during each workout. For the calculations consumption. The minimum intake for this vidiscovery with the GAINZ Law. of Δm, you may be tempted to measure it in metal substance is 3x your bodyweight per day. To ters; however, it is critical that you use kilomeachieve this simple goal, Dr. Tusell, recent recipIn a world where everything seems to be getting smaller, some things just don’t have to be that way. Or at least that’s what the Brophy Physics Department is saying this week, as they tout the discovery of something called the GAINZ Postulate. It all started when the devoted Cabela’s shopper Mr. Widbin was observing this year’s abnormally small applicants walking to their interviews. He then asked himself how he could be a man for others and help these soon-to-be freshmen, so he retreated to the Physics Department. After countless hours of work, the physics department discovered how to cure all smallness: the GAINZ postulate, or
Do’s and don’ts for Brophy interviews
By Max Basile ’17
With interviews underway, Brophy faculty is working tirelessly to pick out la creme dela creme for the Class of 2020. Therefore, the minds at The Wrangler have put our heads together and created a fool-proof list of the Do’s and the Don’ts of interviewing. We guarantee full satisfaction and admission should the hopeful lad heed our list. (*Disclaimer: we cannot guarantee full satisfaction and or admission.*) Do’s: • Greet your interviewer with a casual, but firm, “Suh Dude?” • Ask if it’s okay to take your shoes off. • If they deny the last request just do it anyways. • Don’t forget the socks too, if you’re wearing them.
Join The Wrangler! Hey, good looking! Instead of giving the bae flowers this Valentine’s Day, give her a copy of The Wrangler! Don’t have a girlfriend? Well, join The Wrangler and you can woo someone with some topical satire! Submit to wrangler@brophybroncos.org.
• Kick your feet up on the desk. • Eat your lunch if you haven’t already (they’ll understand). • Invite your parents to come in and film, record, or just be present. • Ask to use the restroom at least twice (plan strategically). • Use your inalienable right as a United States citizen to plead the Fifth should you wish to not answer any personal questions. • Avoid all eye contact. Find different spots in the room to stare at, and rotate between them randomly. • If all else fails, remember: silence is golden. Don’ts: • Show up on time. • Show up early; they hate that.
Editors Max Basile ’17 Alex Bhatt ’17 Cooper Dinowitz ’17 Nik Kirk ’19 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2016
• Hold in your gas (they want you to be comfortable). • Chew with your mouth closed if you eat your lunch. • Wait until you’re finished chewing before talking if you eat your lunch. • Offer to share your lunch with the interviewer. • Fight the urge to fall asleep should you get bored. • Wear shirts that aren’t Ed Hardy. • Forget to mention your criminal record (if you have one). • Lie: tell the interviewer if he or she smells bad. • Leave when you are dismissed (try sneaking out on a trip to the bathroom).