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March 2016 Edition Roman Numeral Forty-Six
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The Wrangler
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News in Briefs Brophy v. Reese: Canine custody battle
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By Mark John Haak ‘18
• Mr. Hooten creates bracket to predict which students will create best bracket to determine which colleges will be in the March Madness tournament
THE GIANT PICTURE: Emotions ran high in the courtroom. Waffles was stealing everyone’s food during breaks and Archie was shying away every time anyone got close enough to question him. A final verdict remains unclear as the jury, made up of Disciplinary Review Board members, is yet to reach a decision.
• Admissions finds two new dogs to replace Archie and Waffles named Reggie and Pancakes • APUSH students score 2’s on AP exam after Mrs. Venberg leaves to train for the X Games • Sra. Freeman pushes for an English-free campus • Confused freshmen crash NetClassroom after requesting ten electives • Coach Molander to replace Carson Palmer following horrendous playoff loss • Brophy Ski Club returns from riding slopes during this year’s Summit • Mr. Fisko releases album called The Life of Jesus, puts OFJ in debt
Father Reese’s dogs, Waffles and Archie, are as integral to the Brophy experience as getting an ICU freshman year. As Father Reese prepares to leave Brophy, students and teachers alike have begun to wonder where the dogs will end up. Reese has said the dogs will come with him, but in an effort to keep these canines, the collective Brophy community has filed for a custody battle over Waffles and Archie. “One of the most momentous experiences I’ve had at Brophy was the first time Waffles ever stole a whole sandwich right out of my hand,” said Hafta Buylunch ’17. “It’s really one of the things that makes Brophy such a unique and amazing place.” Pickee Eater ’18 agreed, “Who else is going to eat the food I don’t want to eat?” Another student said, “Even though Archie runs away from me every time I go to pet him and Waf-
fles eats all the waffles I buy from Michael’s on late starts, it’d be a shame to see them go,” to which freshman Dazed N. Confused ’19 said, “Wait, I still don’t know which dog is which.” Father Reese has weighed in on the situation: “I’m totally confused. It’s a custody battle over my dogs. They’re literally going to court over my dogs. People call them ‘Father Reese’s Dogs’. It makes no sense.” Brophy’s students have acknowledged this, but claim that their leverage in the case comes from caring for and keeping the dogs alive by feeding them. “The one time I didn’t give him my sandwich, I saw him crawling around campus inches from death,” said Sam Aritan ’16. Court proceedings are scheduled to take place sometime in the next few weeks and are being organized by Mock Trial.
Red Army endorses Bernie Sanders
Things to give up for Lent
By Tristan Brown ‘16
By Max Basile ‘17
TO THE HEAVENS: Bernie Sanders reached out to the Red Army after being called a communist by his opponents. The Army’s endorsement has boosted the Democratic presidential candidate’s standing among the enemies of freedom, according to a fabricated poll published by a totalitarian governement. Pictured here is a Red Army rally supporting Bernie Sanders. Talks to change the Brophy mascot to Bernie Sanders will be taking place shortly.
As we continue the annual 40 days of Lent, The Wrangler has assembled some last-minute items for Brophy students to give up to show the Big J.C. just how much they really love him. • Eating: If Jesus could do it for 40 days so can you! • Breathing: One of the more challenging but probably doable. • Setting your alarm: The last thing the world needs is more noise pollution. • Doing your homework: Studies show that homework gets in the way of prayer 98% of the time. • Taking notes: A second spent taking notes could be a second spent reading the Bible. • Doing Coach Heideman’s pushups: Save your energy for Ignatius’s Spiritual Exercises. • Resisting the urge to belch during the Examen: This causes an unhealthy buildup of gas and sin. • Waiting for the bell to be dismissed: Only Jesus can dismiss you. • Dress code: Stick to fringe or tassels. • Staying awake in class: Most prophets received divine revelations in their sleep. • Carpool/Parking protocol: Jesus believed in a level playing field; first come, first served. • The student handbook: Only heed the Ten Commandments. • Reading anything that isn’t The Wrangler (or the Bible): What would Jesus do?
Mr. Klein leads Girl Scout cookie cartel By Nikolas Kirk ’19 Girl Scout cookies have slowly made their way onto Brophy’s campus. A recent investigation by Mr. Buchanan names Mr. Joseph Klein ’86 as leader of a cookie cartel headquartered on Brophy’s campus. Michael’s catering is beginning to retaliate. Michael’s has pushed Dean Higgins and Mr. Buchanan to end the cookie trading, and they have gone so far as to label Mr. Klein the “El Chapo” of cookies. Michael’s has also released its own versions of the Girl Scout cookies. They are priced at 5 dollars for a pair of cookies compared to Mr. Klein’s price of 4 dollars for one box. Mr. Buchanan detained Mr. Klein after the backlash from Michael’s and placed him in the Dean’s Office for questioning. However, Mr. Klein, in similar fashion to El Chapo, miraculously dug a tunnel underneath Brophy Hall and escaped. He even took pictures of the excavation to place in the yearbook.
“I don’t think the selling of cookies is bad. The problem I have is the lack of gender diversity in Mr. Klein’s group. A recent study showed 100 percent of Brophy’s population is male. Therefore, Mr. Klein is not selling to females and is not using females to sell cookies. This lack of gender equality is outlandish and must be fixed,” said Mr. Ryan Hubbell. Señor Richard Córdova said, “Cookies? C’mon, papá! No time for cookies, only Duolingo! Dos puntos to Señor Klein!”
Mr. Middlemist tried to use the news to teach his students literary terms. “He made us analyze the type of conflict it was,” said one student. “Then he tried to relate it to The Force Awakens like everything else he teaches.” As the conflict with Mr. Klein continues to draw out, cookies are still on sale for anyone who wants them. Choose wisely between Michael’s and Mr. Klein. YOU’RE LOOKING AT IT: After being considered “armed and dangerous,” Mr. Klein is detained by Dean Higgins and Mr. Buchanan to protect Brophy’s students and faculty. Mr. Klein continues to plead his innocence.
“I will get to work on this problem right away,” said Dean Higgins as he munched on Thin Mints. Other teachers have reacted to the conflict.
Michael’s commandeers pool, repurposes it as fish farm
CNN releases shocking Brophy poll By Tyler Conrad ’17
By Trevor Lewis ’17 With the Lenten season in full swing, the price of beef has reached its expected yearly low due to an over-abundant supply and low demand.
combination pool pump and filter. The trout, which are being fed a mix of protein mix and old fruitcakes, are reported by James Palate ’18 to “taste like fish.”
Michael’s, in an expected perennial public relations move, decided to bring back its special Lenten menu, which contains a myriad of faith-friendly products like fish tacos, fish on a stick, fish spheres, fried fry, and mystery fish.
Members of the Science Department are overjoyed at having the pool on campus, especially Ms. Mazier, who has already made plans to take her classes to the pool everyday for the remainder of Lent.
However, this year Michael’s surprised the whole community when the catering service announced its new “Farm-to kitchen-to heat lamp-to student” program.
But members of the swim team were not overjoyed to learn that practices would continue regardless. “I don’t care if it’s trout, minnows, sardines or great white sharks,” Mr. O’Neill shouted in a motivational tone to the perturbed swimmers, “You all are going to get in that pool and swim anyway.”
The only caveat to this new program became known to the Brophy community the morning following the announcement when staff arrived on campus and found the new pool totally transformed into an industrial trout farm. Refitted to accommodate the fish, the once prestigious water feature now boasts a population of 2,000 rainbow trout and a 4,000 gallons per hour
Join The Wrangler! Can you dab? Can you successfully incorporate the dab, the whip, and the nae-nae into one fluid motion? If you wasted your time answering these questions, then you should have enough time to write for The Wrangler! Submit to wrangler@brophybroncos.org.
The trout farm is to be kept for the remainder of the Lenten season, yet any commitment by Michael’s to keep the program going after the Easter holiday has not been made by the company.
Editors Mark John Haak ’18 Nikolas Kirk ’19 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2016
UP THERE: CNN has released a new poll showing Brophy’s demographics. The results left many outraged at the apparent lack of gender diversity, leaving some biased students to question its source, going as far as to say that the data may not actually be valid and female Brophy students may be lurking on campus, somewhere.