March 2016 Edition Roman Numeral Forty-Seven: Summit Edition
R ea l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
News in Briefs Is mimetic desire really worth clapping over?
on : ti ay ! r di E aw de it ke r m a u m tT om Su den ot t u n St ry T
The Wrangler By Max Basile ’17
• Sophomore mistakenly listens to racist music, thought “WAY” stood for “Warm Accepting Youth” • Mr. Hubbell screens students with questions for Summit speakers by Membean level • Mr. Agliano required to wear long sleeves as part of new guns safety policy • Mrs. Agliano snatches microphone away from student about to read the Second Amendment to gun safety speaker • Administration calls in police officers to find overzealous assembly applauders in assembly audience • Sheer number of emails from Mr. Fisko take student body by force • Mr. Ramsey asked to stay off campus during Summit for fear that his overwhelming virility would incite students towards hypermasculine violence • Fr. Baerwald recants earlier presentation, assures students mimetic desire only leads to conflict at Bellarmine College Preparatory
SHOCKING PHOTO TO PROVE LEGITIMATE THEORY: Here is a photo that was taken by a Wrangler private investigator during Fr. Baerwald’s presentation. The Wrangler assembled a team to scrutinize the “spontaneous” clapping that occurred during Father Baerwald’s keynote presentation. The following is a summary of its investigative report: The first thing we sought was the motive of the perpetrators. Why’d they do it? Did their mom give them Cocoa Puffs for breakfast when they specifically asked for Fruit Loops the night before? Did they forget to brush their teeth that morning? Were they just huge Father Baerwald fans? Anything was a possibility until we had solid evidence, so we began asking around school for more information.
clapping too! I love mimesis!” While admiring his sincerity, we still needed to dig deeper. One Wrangler Wreporter sat down with Dean Higgins, who believed the clapping was a protest that was started by all those who had received a JUG the previous week. Still not completely satisfied, we reached out to covert operations expert extraordinaire Mr. McShane. He concluded the clapping was not started by Brophy students, but instead by undercover government agents attempting to destroy Brophy after Mr. Bopp refused to turn over Brophy’s email server to the NSA. Though helpful, these interviews proved to be inconclusive.
We began by asking teachers what they thought of all the clapping. Mr. Broyles said, “I was
We eventually gathered a focus group of fifty confirmed clappers, and what we found out
about them was truly shocking: • Twenty-four of the fifty confirmed clappers did not know how to tie their shoes • Twenty-six clappers couldn’t tie a tie • Thirty-three clappers wished they had the first name, “Father” It didn’t take long for us to discover a “trend” amongst these clappers. Here they are: listening to a man with tied shoes, a tied tie, and the first name “Father” (sort of). The motive could be nothing other than mimetic desire. Now, what about the motive for all the others that joined in with the clapping? Easy. Just some plain old “monkey see, monkey do.” Case closed.
Proud 2nd Amendment-supporting students triggered by Hills’s address
By Trevor Lewis ’17
Upon the conclusion of Gerry Hills’s keynote address on gun violence, a few gaggles of grumbling Second Amendment-supporting students clumped together to seek solace, support, and justification for their beliefs. When Wrangler staff inquired as to why they were grumbling so much, Ita Etari ’16, who wishes to be identified as a “Liberty-loving Libertarian, pro-freedom son of a gun,” surmised his fellow students displeasure with his personal statement, “I walked into the gym today begrudgingly, expecting to hear a left-wing pro-gun-regulation, anti-fun person present me with facts and stats about how gun violence is destroying the greatest country on Earth. Instead, I heard logical statements presented in an appealing way
from a Republican.”
clusion of the Summit.
Etari went on to pin the source of he and his peers’ aggravation on “the fact that we actually agreed with some of the Hills’s points on gun regulation, even though we didn’t want to.”
Incumbent president, Dolan P. Jerumd ’16, of the Young Republicans Club, however, seemed to be more outraged at the coolly planned out gun talk than anyone. “Gerry Hills has divided the club completely. Now we’ve got two thirds of our group saying that gun legislation sounds like a good idea, while the other half says ‘Wait, this might not be such a good idea.’”
“I’d never thought I’d find myself agreeing with anyone from the gun regulation lobby,” Dominic Free ’18 affirmed. “I always thought it was just our right to bear arms for the fun of it. I didn’t know anything about the militia part of the 2nd Amendment.” While most avid gun supporters eventually came to terms with the presentation’s message or forgot about it entirely, some still remained vehemently opposed to it long after the con-
Summit-inspired freshman pledges to not fight in antigovernment guerrilla army
By AK Alilonu ’16
On Monday after the Summit on Human Dignity, Peece Maker ’19 said he has resolved to renounce all forms of violence, ranging from drug trafficking to ethnic cleansing. Claiming to have been influenced by the Summit, Maker believed this to be an appropriate response to the informative monthlong campaign. “You go and you hear about the systemic violence that rocks our world today,” said Maker, “and you think to yourself, ‘Wow. I don’t want to do any of that.’” Maker’s endeavor includes but is not limited to a complete abstinence from maiming small animals, ordering the assassination of political enemies, partaking in hate crimes, canibalism, and police brutality.
proximity have remained entirely free from the corrupting effects of violence. Maker says he can rest easy knowing that he has helped to create a culture in which he is not directly responsible for any violence that goes on in the world. As for the rest, it is simply out of his hands.
Freshmen then and now By Maanik Chotalla ’16
BEFORE SUMMIT
“Is there a chance I’d ever find myself in a position where I would be able to command a chemical attack on a civilian population?” Maker said. “Probably not. But, hey, if I do, you know that’s the last thing that would happen.” He said he wishes the planet’s remaining seven billion people would follow his example.
THIS GUY: In addition to devoting his life to not committing crimes against “He keeps this list,” says a close friend of humanity, Peece Maker Maker, Reese Innabull ’19, “and he recites it ’19 (pictured) has chosen to himself in class. It never made sense to me, to avoid violent media but I guess I can’t say it isn’t working, right?” and entertainment. His classmates have begun to notice.
Maker also refused to see any film or purchase any video game rated above PG or E.
AFTER SUMMIT
“Out of sight, out of mind, out of society,” Maker said.
RIGHT OVER HERE: Summit on violence causes massive transformation within aggressive freshman, literally transforms him into Mr. Fisko.
And, according to most reports, his strategy has worked. Both Maker and his immediate
Rejected Summit speakers
By Cooper Dinowitz ’17
Now that the 2016 Summit has come to a close, Wrangler executives have uncovered a top-secret file containing a list of rejected keynote speakers who almost came to Brophy this year. After researching experts on violence, the OFJ came up with a group that we are glad didn’t make the final cut. 1. The Terminator: Half man, half machine, this cybernetic killing machine knows a thing or two about violence. Existing only to “terminate,” this leather-clad bounty hunter from the future was deemed “too intimidating” by Mr. Hubbell, who also added that the Terminator was “not the right guy for public speaking.”
Join The Wrangler! Hey, you! Look at me! Don’t use this edition of The Wrangler to bring physical harm to your enemies. Instead, join us, and learn to hurt them with words.
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2. Quentin Tarantino: This master director, known for such films as Kill Bill and Reservoir Dogs would’ve made a great keynote speaker... However, his blood-drenched films and his glorification of violence might’ve been a little too intense for squeamish freshmen (and Danforth). 3. The Incredible Hulk: Big, green, and mean, the Hulk is one example of extreme violence. Whenever this guy gets mad, he literally turns into a green rage monster. Mr. Higgins denied the request of inviting Hulk when he said, “our insurance policy just can’t handle him.”
Editors AK Alilonu ’16 Max Basile ’17 Ivan Lashinsky ’18 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2016
4. Liam Neeson: When the title of the Summit, “Taken by Force” was announced, Liam Neeson was one of the first names circulating around campus. Though Neeson probably thought he would get to star in yet another Taken movie, he sadly was not able to use his very particular set of skills on the Brophy student body. Now, it’s off to the drawing board to figure out the theme for next year. If we could make a guess, it will most likely relate to the dangers of staying up past 12:00 a.m. taking APUSH notes.