News in Briefs
R ea l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
Rutt announces changes to JJP By Cameron M. Bray ’16
• 50 more proms scheduled for this summer, each to be based on a different James Bond movie
according to Mr. Rutt, will be this: Following the example of St. Ignatius who studied theology at the University of Paris, students will be required to spend 10 hours studying with and serving the French people.
• Robotics team made functioning droid army for Mr. Middlemist for May the Fourth
“Any student who fails to perform this vital task will be subject to rigorous taunting,” Mr. Rutt said, blowing raspberries from atop the ramparts of the impregnable OFJ castle. “Now, just go out there and do it, or I shall taunt you a second time.”
• Overzealous freshmen found wrapped in Snuggies trying to “survive” the Awards Assembly • Mistaken sophomores try to exhume Saint Ignatius to fulfill the Ignatian Encounter • Next year’s Awards Assembly to recognize all students; estimated to take the time of 10 AP Exams • Administration distraught by lack of senior pranks, tries to convince Class of 2016 to try • Jar Jar Binks to sign May the Fourth Lightsaber Battle Petition, legislation to suffer same fate as Death Star(s)
Archie v. Waffles: Civil War By Mark John Haak ’18 THE DIRECTION IN WHICH TRUMP WILL LEAD THIS COUNTRY: The decision of whether or not Michael’s should give treats has divided the community. Will treats be available? We don’t care, as long as it’s better than Batman v. Superman.
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May 2016 Edition Roman Numeral Forty-Nine
w ne ut! e t h i rc ’s H a re ti ey Sa ms a
The Wrangler
YOU KNOW WHERE THE PICTURE IS, BUD: A new feature of the reformed Junior Justice Project includes an activity book full of common Brophy scenes, each one featuring a cameo by the good saint himself. In addition, inspired by Ignatius Aiming to make the Junior Jusand the Jesuits’ example of travtice Project experience more eling to distant foreign lands to transformative for students, Mr. do missionary work, students Will Rutt ’08 revealed dramatic will be required to spend 10 new changes to the newly named hours preaching the Gospel at “Ignatian Encounter” program. exotic locations like Lux. Modeling the experience after St. “Not only do we want students Ignatius’s spiritual struggles with to serve as prophets and preachhis health and his injuries after ers in the strange foreign lands the Battle of Pamplona, students across the Grand Canal, but we will have to undertake severalso want them to share their al “spiritual challenges” of their knowledge and to return with own in order to complete their ships laden with colorful spices, Ignatian Encounter project, Mr. fine porcelain and precious silk,” Rutt said. Mr. Rutt said. “The Canal should be bustling with sea traffic from Per these challenges, students all the galleons and caravels will be required to (1) beg and crossing in and out of that mysfast in the streets of Midtown terious land.” Phoenix for 10 hours (2) spend 10 hours in a cave reflecting soleHowever, missionary work is not ly upon the “Spiritual Exercises” the most difficult of the chaland the Bible, deprived of iPlenges in the service category. hone, iPad and other electronic The most arduous challenge, devices.
Assistant Principal of Ministry Mr. Paul Fisko said that he was excited for the changes being made to the JJP program and that he looked forward to seeing students come to a better understanding about Ignatius. “It’s like a ‘Where’s Waldo’ book, only the book is life and St. Ignatius is Waldo,” Mr. Fisko said, his finger searching for the elusive man in the red-and-white stripes. “You just have to keep searching for Ignatius and you’ll find him—in many surprising ways. And I think with this program, we have given students the book whereby they can find Ignatius.” Sophomore Jess Suit ’18 said he was a big fan of Ignatius and that he also supported the new changes. “While the missionary work and the mingling with the French sounds difficult, the fasting will help me cut weight for wrestling next year,” he said. “Plus, with the money saved, I will finally be able to afford a bean and cheese burrito at Michael’s.”
Seniors steal Brophy Tower as senior prank By Mark John Haak ’18
TO THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE LEFT: Seniors use their last shreds of motivation to pull off this massive prank. The questions remain: where did they hide it and how soon will we start building a second Tower?
Anonymous guest turns prom upside down By Bert Odinet ‘18 A recent turn of events at Brophy’s Prom Royale has left both the Brophy and International Intelligence communities baffled. Events began the day before the dance, when a source described only as “someone very high up in the student government” sent instructions to set up an additional, private poker table separate from the others at the prom. Despite the mystery behind this request, the accommodations were made in preparation for Saturday’s event. As Prom entered full swing, a tall, athletic, and impeccably dressed senior descended via parachute through the doors of the Great Hall. Reports say he was greeted by a stunningly beautiful Xavier student shortly after. When asked, the young man gave his name only as “James,” answering our reporters in a slight British accent. He was a guest from the Connecticut Interfaith Academy. After his ID was checked by Mr. John Buchanan and his crack security team, they allowed him to the private table, where he shook hands with another senior guest. Witnesses claim the other senior guest had a conspicuous eye scar, a German accent, and was flanked by Hamilton football players. Our sources identified the mysterious figure as Vill Ain. Despite the extraordinary music and dancing, which continued throughout the night, the two young men remained intensely focused on the game. When Wrangler reporters inquired about the nature of the bets, they were told only that “undisclosed amounts of Freedom Pay and Varsity Shop credits are at stake.” The tensions increased as the two bled chips
from the other players, amassing enormous piles all to themselves. As midnight neared, the dealer placed two aces, a ten, a queen, and a four—all hearts—on the table. Onlookers reported seeing Vill grin as he pushed his entire pile into the center of the table. James, having already bet a considerable number of chips, went all in as well. Vill turned down the remaining two aces of hearts and reached for the chips, having scored a four of a kind. As he began celebrating, James calmly set his cards on the table. A king and jack of hearts: an unbeatable Royal Flush. Both parties stood and shook hands, though Vill, visibly distraught, seemed to grit his teeth as he did so. “He looked like he either really had to go to the bathroom or just did,” said No Z. Guy ’16 who watched the whole game. James was presented with a Freedom Pay card containing his winnings, which he slipped into his coat pocket. Afterwards, he and his date walked onto the dance floor, drinks in hand, to celebrate the win. A fight soon erupted, however, as Mr. Ain tried to steal the card. The fisticuffs moved into Michael’s kitchen, where James gained an advantage over his opponent by firing a shaken–not stirred–can of Izze into his eyes. He then proceeded to sprint out of the hall and towards the canal, where he hopped into a speedboat and raced off, outrunning even Mr. B’s new golf cart. An investigation into the matter was launched but quickly “suspended indefinitely” by the Student Council, leaving only awesome prom stories and a slightly damaged kitchen as evidence of James and his mysterious rival.
Dogs sent in to sniff out seniors’ motivation By Michael Murphy ‘18 LEFT: Police sent in dogs last Friday to combat the recent breakout of Senioritis. Among the casualities were Archie and Waffles who had lost motivation due to the fact they are not returning next year.
This edition of The Wrangler is dedicated to Jacob Karlovsky ’18, who, although his talent may have formerly gone unrecognized, is by far the greatest satirist to have ever walked our school’s now-hallowed halls. May he live long and have many children.
Join The Wrangler! Did you enjoy this year’s (lack of) May the 4th festivities? Also, how’s AP week going, bud? Sorry to ruin your day, but do you know what will cheer you up? If you join The Wrangler today! Submit to wrangler@brophybroncos.org.
Editors Max Basile ’17 Alex Bhatt ’17
Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2015
Sophomores plan to wage war on OFJ after Ignatian Encounter changes By Jacob Karlovsky, Esq. ‘18 Several weeks ago, the infamous Junior Justice Project was renamed the “Ignatian Encounter” by the Office of Faith and Justice. The service requirement had been changed from 50 hours to 40 hours, and now rising juniors will not be free to choose their own agency, as they must choose from a narrow list. The latter change has sparked much hate among the current sophomores, with some calling it “disastrous”, and others physically planning to wage a war on the OFJ. Mr. Will Rutt ’08 is completely aware of these plans, as he noticed a message on the wall of the Keating restroom reading: “the OFJ will O-F-pay. See what I did there?” He also discovered a note being passed around during the Transition Mass reading: “OFI = Office of Faith and Injustice.” Mr. Rutt is not surprised at all; he has informed everyone that he was very prepared for extreme responses. Mr. Rutt has responded by informing the current sophomore population that he “will not tolerate this behavior,” and that he “may bring about some new changes that will transform the Encounter into a much worse experience.” One student, Dan Gerus ’18, has received six Saturday JUGs in one month for his negative attitude toward the OFJ and for ditching each Summit event on violence. He has warned them that there will be a “massive revolt if the OFJ doesn’t revert to the Junior Justice Project,” and that the sophomore population may resort to “physical action” if demands are still not met. Ms. Sue Hornbeck of the OFJ has recently announced that every student involved in “this madness” must sit through two complete Awards Assembly screenings in the SAC every day after school until the end of the year. She has noted that she will not tolerate this “kindergarten-esque” behavior and that suspicious students will also have their iPads continuously monitored by the Innovation Commons until the situation is worked out. This “revolution” is the OFJ’s current main concern. They hinted that they may even make rising juniors complete a second Loyola Project if the response is still too harsh, and that even more punitive backup plans “are still fair game.” Will the war continue to progress, and will the OFJ implement these punishments? They are still waiting to find out.