R ea l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
News in Briefs Bopp leaves Brophy by ascending into sky • Senior returns to Grad@Grad Minecraft world, discovers postapocalyptic wasteland
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May 2016 Edition Roman Numeral L: Senior Edition
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The Wrangler
TO THE LEFT TO THE LEEEFT: Bopp captured beginning his slow (and marvelous) ascent into the sky to update Moses’ tablets from stone to iOS 10.
• “So, like, who announces Ms. Dennard’s birthday?” asks really sleepy sophomore • Seniors rebel against Senior Appreciation Day by ditching their day at home and attending all classes • Class of 2016 to receive diplomas containing secret code that when deciphered, finally explains what the Paschal Mystery was all along • Senior pledges to miss every class to prove existence of senioritis • Complaining about senioritis overtakes actual senioritis as largest annoyance on campus • Damaso pulls out penny from behind graduating senior’s ear as he walks across the stage, says “magic” to himself a twenty-third time • Senior wistfully remembers olden days when “there were books in the IC and flex was just study hall, the boys parked across Central, and the pool was just a glint in Mr. O’Neill’s eye.”
Upon completion of his time at Brophy College Preparatory, Mr. Jim Bopp outstretched his hands and slowly ascended into the clouds, sources confirm. Students at lunch were reportedly startled when the Assistant Principal for Technology and Instruction began to float up from the ground. Trying to catch a glimpse of the scene, a construction worker, mouth agape, accidentally demolished half of what was going to be the Dutch Gymnasium. “It is with a heavy heart that I now make my departure,” said Mr. Bopp, speaking from 10 feet and counting above the heads of onlookers, “but I do fear my time with you has come to an end. I bid you farewell.” When called to the scene, Mr. John Buchanan simply folded his arms and slowly nodded his head, deaf to calls to talk Mr. Bopp down from his increasing altitude.
“Sometimes, a man’s just gotta find his place in the sky,” he said, according to bystanders. As he slowly rose over the Great Hall, students and faculty alike, not wanting to miss out on the full experience, took out their respective smart devices, held them vertically, and captured shaky video of the event. They were joined by an amorphous, 3D-printed humanoid that sulked its way out from the nearby Innovation Commons. It claimed to be Mr. Bopp’s personal assistant and had been living between two bookshelves, feeding on hot glue and failed ambitions. “I thought I’d come out to see my Master one last time,” the revolting mass moaned to reporters. “I thought it was important to for me be there to thank him for all the great work he has accomplished during his time here. Also, capitalism is built on lies.”
Fr. Reese to choose next Brophy president on this season of The Bachelor By Maanik Chotalla ‘16
At press time, Mr. Noah Lewkowitz was beating the hellish monster back to whence it came with his bicycle. Towards the end of the lunch period, Mr. Bopp waved to a passing blimp. Spectators across America ceased their mundane activities and could only stare in awe at his marvellous ascent. It was at that point that iOS 10, a perfected operating system with no bugs, crashes or lags, became available on Apple products around the globe. Worldwide, humankind erupted in a great cheer, and witnesses confirmed Mr. Mike Elgines turned to Mr. Mark Pettit and cried, “Aw, come here, you,” before the two hugged and started weeping. Meanwhile, Mr. Bopp disappeared into the clouds, hidden from human eyes. He looked up, and a single tear streamed down his cheek as he made out in the distance the shining, ivy-covered gates of Creighton Prep.
The Wrangler’s joke obituaries By Joe Welty ‘16 Waffles Jokes Will become unfunny May 21st, 2016 A particular favorite to the Wrangler staff, it never truly made sense as a joke but was always a fun idea. These jokes have no known successor at the moment. Probably freshmen. Mr. Bop-It Will become unfunny May 21st, 2016 (Realistically speaking became unfunny in 2008) A joke that unfortunately created too late and never fully appreciated, Mr. Bop-It will live in our hearts forever. It will be succeeded by its great-great-grandfather, jokes about Danforth.
WHERE JESUS IS: Reese tells Bush that he’s going to have to go home to “go do some watercolors, or something.”
Daaaaaaamn Daniel Became unfunny the second it was born Please, everyone stop making this joke.
Massive student layoff expected May 21, 2016
The Wrangler’s joke obituaries (cont.)
By Chris Favela ’16
By Joe Welty ‘16
Rumors of a planned massive layoff have Brophy seniors on edge of their seats, seats in which they may no longer be permitted to sit in. The rumors recently gained popularity after a suspiciously long ceremony took place on the afternoon of the 29th of April. Students were asked to gather in the massive Robson Gymnasium, a gymnasium which has been known to comfortably accommodate the entirety of the Brophy student body. However, on this afternoon some peculiar arrangements were made: seniors were separated from the underclassmen and asked to sit in comfortably spaced steel chairs. This dark portent seems to foreshadow a larger imminent separation of students in the near future. Other factors have been noted which indicate that a large filter will consume the upper class of seniors. Take, for example, the recent influx of letters and emails to seniors inviting them to be part of a so-called “Project Grad.” When asked about these upcoming events, senior Tim Foilhat ’16 replied ,“I’ve watched Old Yeller, I know how these things go: they lure you behind the Crackerjax, and BAM! they smack
you over the head with a whack-a-mole hammer. Then they try to slap you with a fifteen dollar fee for not returning your copy of Old Yeller on time to your local Blockbuster.” Seniors have reportedly shown latestage symptoms of an ancient disease only known locally as Sr. Itis’ disease. Many believe outbreaks of the disease find their way onto Brophy’s campus on an annual basis, littering the walls of Brophy Hall with the framed, horrified faces of the infected.
STAFF EDITORIAL: est, transcends the traditional boundaries of humor and can prove a scathing attack on injustice, wickedness, and stupidity.
Because we’re not humorists. We’re satirists.
Plus, it’s just plain fun.
And, for the love of God, we’re not The Roundup. Of course, not to say that would be a bad thing. Because satire, at its fin-
It’s what you get when BLAM takes The Roundup’s hard facts to the furthest corners of the imagination. It’s this. It’s where we poke fun at faculty to their faces and not behind their
Editors AK Alilonu ’16 Joe Welty ’16
Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2016
iPad Jokes Became unfunny August of 2015 Born in 2012 out of necessity. You see, back in the olden times, everyone was given laptops. Being Brophy students, they destroyed all of them by sophomore year. Thus, the Class of 2016 and onward were given iPads, a tool that before then had been used by babies and cats. Now it is used by freshmen. Moving on up in the world, Apple! This joke is being succeeded by its child, jokes about 3D-printed monstrosities.
However, until further evidence can be provided that indicates that a secret society of faculty and staff is behind the emergence of this disease and is atJokes About Senioritis tempting to wipe the slate clean of the Dies every year, only to be reborn in the next senior class class of 2016, the senior class can only Writing an obituary for jokes about senioritis seems backwards, continue on with their busy scheduled but whatever. Thing’s like the phoenix. Jokes about senioritis will daily routine of furiously not studying be succeeded by its next of kin, next year’s jokes about senioritis. and forgetting assignments. We have only one comment for all the aspiring underAliens invade prom, faculty forces fight back classmen in this time of rampant discord and By Cameron Bray ’16 terror: Seeing strange lights above Brophy’s campus on prom night, students and Unlike Mr. Danforth, Mr. Middlemist residents around the Valley witnessed and Ms. Toshner took a much more stuthe spectacular invasion of Earth, as dious approach to preparation. aliens from the planet Epsilon Phi parachuted down to Opus Field. “We’ll survive this if we use the Force,” said Jedi Master Mr. Middlemist, study“It happened around 9:30 PM,” said ing the tactics the rebels used during the Hugh Mann ’17. “It was all very unex- Battle of Hoth. pected and frightening. At first, my date and I thought it was a meteor, a downed Meanwhile Ms. Toshner brushed up plane or, perhaps, even skydivers. But on her electrical engineering, which sadly, we were wrong. God, how we she said held the secret to defeating the were wrong.” aliens.
By Miguel Montañez-Aragon ’16
Hey. It’s us. The guys who write this stuff. Not because we get bored, or because we think it’s funny, or even because we think we’re funny.
The Roof Pool Became unfunny last year if we’re being honest Ah, the Roof Pool. Almost as old as jokes about Danforth, the Roof Pool can trace itself back to the creation of water at the Dawn of Time, when the first freshman crawled out of the sea and told all of the other freshmen, “Hey, I bet there is a pool on top of the rock over there.” It will be succeeded by its son, jokes about the new gym.
backs. It’s where we take every person on campus and get them to see the world a little differently, if just for a second. And when we’re done, these words won’t end up all crusty and old like those people from ancient Greek myths when they wish for immortality. None of that nonsense. Just this. It’s all we have. We hope you like it.
Dean Mr. Pat Higgins and Security Director Mr. John Buchanan buoyed students’ spirits when they assembled a task force of faculty members to prevent the annihilation of the human race. According to interviews done by Wrangler reporters, this task force included Mr. Scott Middlemist ’87, Mr. Tom Danforth ’78 and Ms. Breanne Toshner—known by their agent names as Red Five, B-78 Flying Danfortress and Alpha Wolf, respectively.
“I got it!” exclaimed Ms. Toshner, suddenly interrupting her meditation ‘neath the mighty wolf statue she keeps in her room. “I know how to defeat the aliens. We simply overload the aliens’ electrical systems, fry their life support and this battle is over.”
However, despite all the preparation done in advance, it would not be any of these agents’ skills that would save the day. Before this epic battle for the ages even began, an insidious human disease known as “senioritis” crept through the With little time to spare, these teachers alien ranks. prepared for the final battle between man and alienkind. Contaminated by this disease, alien soldiers all over Brophy’s campus and “Now is the time to exercise our Second around the world suddenly went limp Amendment rights as proud, God-fear- like sloths, and alien motherships ing, right-winging, bitter-clinging Amer- crashed faster than second-semester seicans,” Mr. Danforth said, clothed as a nior GPAs. traditional Massachusetts minuteman, arming himself with a musket for battle.