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October 2016 Edition Roman Numeral Fifty-Two
The Wrangler R ea l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
By Alex Bhatt ‘17
• “The Dutch” delayed for another 5 years solely to provide content for The Wrangler • AP Gov students ready to take the Arizona Bar Exam after Constitution Test • Genetic testing of George the Cat proves that he is the reincarnation of Waffles • Brophy hires Back-toSchool-Blues band for Back to School Dance • Mr. Danforth still under scrutiny after withholding his medical records • Gym delayed due to new Dutch Bros in gym; added to 5th level • Big brothers in Brophy Dad’s Club adopt their little brothers • Students protest Heideman’s pushups by taking a knee during Morning Prayer • Freshmen still catching up on sleep from Frosh Retreat • Agliano vs. Kolb baby debate set for October 28th: Which baby is the cutest? • Attendance at Wednesday Mass triples from students still playing Pokemon Go in the Chapel • Student Council takes Homecoming to the next level; books Hogwarts for the location of the dance • Freshman found “mocked to death” after uttering the words, “What’s a Gryffindor?” • 50 students ready to dress as Kenneth Bone for Halloween
As students settle down from last week’s Homecoming festivities, a campus-wide outcry has emerged over the issue of “The Wall.” Since the start of the school year, utter havoc has wrecked the grass patch at the center of campus after the demolition of its borders. Two key spokespeople on both sides of the issue are Benjamin Ghazi ‘18 and D.J. Drumpf ‘19. Yes. These are your two choices. We’re going to have to deal with it. On the issue, it was Drumpf that came out swinging first. In a statement, Drumpf said, “They are walking over our beloved Brophy grass. They are bringing JUGs. They are bringing ICUs. They are the opposite of men for others. And some, I assume, are good Broncos.” Ghazi expressed his disgust at labeling all Broncos as JUG and ICU offenders and instead decided to take a more liberal
approach to the situation. Instead of focusing on the wall, he pushed for a raise of the Brophy-wide amount of homework to 15 hours/week. He also previously stated that he indeed used to have a detailed plan to rebuild the wall, but, due to extreme carelessness, lost those classified plans along with over thirty thousand other emails this past year. Recently, the two decided to have a civilized debate regarding the issue. Nevertheless, progress was stultified as Drumpf disregarded his intellectual competence throughout the night by enunciating the word wrong into his broken microphone. Moreover, Ghazi blatantly ignored his commitment to justice as he shimmied mid-debate, forcing the viewership of eighty million Broncos to witness the uncomfortable sight. After the debate, avid butt of The Wrangler jokes Mr. Tom Danforth remarked, “Thank God this
was merely over a wall within a small school in Arizona and not over the future of our country!”. The final event last week regarding the wall was not centered around Drumpf and Ghazi, but rather around what many believed to be their tiny glimmer of hope: a third party voice. This voice came with a slightly more moderate and appealing opinion; however, the poor soul, one Mr. Glib Ertarian, was quickly disregarded after failing to answer the questions “What is Brophy?” and “Who is your favorite faculty member on campus?” So, this is it. Do we “Build that wall” and “Make Brophy Great Again”? Or has Brophy always been great and it is now time to look forward to a brighter future? It seems that it will be up to you, the students, to save Brophy from itself.
If The Wrangler Created the Homecoming Dress Code By: Nikolas “Nik” Kirk ‘19
Items not allowed: • Ties and knots - this includes bow ties, regular ties, shoelaces, tongue ties, and garlic bread pieces • Socks that do not reach one inch below the knee • Clothing items that are not at least 75% cotton
Items allowed: • Buttons and seams all shirts must be one piece of fabric • Belts - pants MUST sag at least two inches below the waistline • Shoes - Saint Ignatius didn’t wear shoes while dancing to EDM, so neither should you
• C ompre ss i on shirts that are at least one size too small • S w e a t p a n t s (NOTE: sweatpants must be Under Armour as requested by Brophy Football)
• Dresses - just because the girls can’t look fabulous, doesn’t mean we can’t • Cloaks of invisibility • Anything that would normally result in a JUG
s!
News in Briefs “Build a wall” Movement Continues to Split Student Body
Reminescent Teachers Act as Stereotypical Old People; Remember “good ‘ole days”
First Baby Pictures of Newest Broncos By: Kyle Peeples ‘19
By: The Former Max Basile ‘17
With another school year well underway, we here at the Wrangler wanted to take the time to connect with our alumni teachers and hear their two cents on how Brophy was, and how it has since evolved. Before divulging the contents of these interactions, we must first advise our readers to reserve judgement towards these authentic, unembellished opinions. One of the more common critiques we heard is how soft the institution has become. “I remember my freshman year,” began Mr. Damaso ‘97, “the seniors used to get permission from our parents to force us out of bed at two in the morning. They brought us all to Steele Indian Park and put us through these ‘character-building’ drills for four hours. My favorite was the Rubik’s Cube game. Freshman got two minutes to solve a Rubik’s Cube blindfolded or be assailed via fire hose. Great stuff. All in the spirit of fun, of course.” “Then we’d have a ‘Hell Week,’” added Señor Schmidbauer ‘87, “where we (as seniors) would each ‘detain’ three Freshman and hold
them captive for an entire week.” Though, after much complaint from parents, and two seniors in ‘98 taking things “too far”–something about them acting “rashly” after receiving no reply to their ransom demands – this tradition has since evolved into Brophy’s Big Brother program. “Don’t even get me started on the pranks,” recalled Mr. Smith ‘96. “The seniors used to do this thing where nobody would show up the entire second semester. We showed them – not!” Mr. Danforth ‘78 and his “pals used to pull fast ones on good ‘ol Father Loyola. You probably know him as Saint Ignatius. The key was not to get caught messing with him, otherwise you’d catch one of his divine right-hooks.” Well. That is certainly enough “insight” for one day. I hope we all learned something. Remember, Broncos, to stay safe and always use protection – nobody wants a sunburn.
This one? : Mr. Kolb’s has already asked twelve students for a smart phone and three for a mini van.
The direction that isn’t left: Mr. Agliano’s new baby can already bench 150 and squat 175.
Frenzied Faculty Fall for Fantasy Football! By: Mark John Haak ‘18
This year, Brophy’s faculty created their own fantasy football league. “I never authorized the prize of free Michael’s for a year, but everyone seems pretty excited about it, so I’m just rolling with it,” said Principal Bob Ryan. Here are some of the teams that will be facing off against each other in the coming weeks: Mr. Damaso (The Trochees): Only chose players whose names followed a trochaic stress pattern. Mr. Danforth (The Yung Dems): Chose his players based on political affiliation. Mr. O’Neill (Al-jabar): Statistically analyzed every player by hand. Mr. Hester (Cowboys): Not only the Cowboys defense, but also every other one of their players.
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Mrs. Lenox (Bell-Curves): Every week she gets +30 points. Mr. Schmidbauer (Real Madrid): Somehow Ronaldo is his starting kicker. Mr. Birgenheir (The Whales): Like the Dolphins, but better. Mr. Molander (The Scooters): Drafted five quarterbacks, including himself. Mr. Donlan (REEEEH): His talking bag of gravy told him which players to draft. Mr. Middlemist (FANTASY): Has started Chewbacca at Tight End for the past three weeks
The Wrangler is now selling Ad Space! Due to being the biggest sellouts at Brophy, The Wrangler has decided to sell ad space in the coming editions! Please email NOtreal17@brophybroncos.org in order to buy some of this space, and look to this section in the coming months for hilarious, yet dubious advertisements!
Even Mr. Fisko got in the action by having students place bets on which teacher they thought would win, when in reality, he was just getting a head start on the Turkey Drive.
Editors
Michael Murphy ‘18 Max Basile ‘17
Moderators
Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2016
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